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- FULL MOVIES ENGLISH SUB
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hello, my name is Lacey, and I'm really excited because I always wanted to go to my own funeral.
00:06Hey, okay.
00:08Today, we're giving this comedian a total transformation.
00:11I don't know what you guys are going to do with me.
00:14They have no idea who or what they're about to become.
00:17Once they see themselves in the mirror, they'll have to make up a character on the spot
00:22and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.
00:25This is Very Important People.
00:28Oh, what's going on here?
00:30What is this, honey?
00:32Y'all not sending me the space on, y'all.
00:34Gayle King is the only one doing that, okay?
00:36I'm not doing that.
00:39Oh, no, y'all did not.
00:43Is this Ratatouille and Ratatouche?
00:46I got to do a 360.
00:48Oh, no.
00:50Oh, why would y'all do this?
00:54Okay, though.
00:55We got some action, though.
00:56Am I a who that just left pride?
00:57Grinch, give us back our Christmas and our rights.
01:00Like, is it that?
01:01But I love that I do have a contour still, okay?
01:03I'm still a baddie, though.
01:04I'm still...
01:05Okay, I'm going to pull all the who's and who be, okay?
01:08Who is your man?
01:09Mine.
01:09Yes.
01:10Scoot on down, scoot on down the sidewalk.
01:14Am I a rich person's poodle?
01:15Like if Dennis Rodman had a dog.
01:36We all have a story to tell, and sometimes that story needs to be shared with the world.
01:42Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis, back with another edition of Very Important People.
01:49Please introduce yourself.
01:51My name is Paloma.
01:56Well, Paloma, this is actually quite a unique episode that we're doing today.
02:00You know, normally we invite guests on.
02:02You've bought out the entire hour here.
02:05Yes.
02:05We noticed you drove up in a Bentley?
02:07I was trying to be modest.
02:09This neighborhood is a little sketchy.
02:11Silver Lake is sort of a popular neighborhood here in Los Angeles.
02:14It's popular for crime.
02:15I'd say maybe it's a crime how much a matcha latte costs here.
02:21Okay.
02:21Was that a relatable laugh?
02:23Did I laugh relatably and poor?
02:25Do you think I'm poor?
02:26No.
02:27You know what?
02:27This is not about me.
02:28This is about you.
02:29Yes.
02:29Two weeks ago, something very tragic happened.
02:32The man that I've been with for 17 dog years.
02:37Wow.
02:37He's gone to that dog bed in the sky.
02:39Only he was a man.
02:41Two weeks ago, he passes on over that rainbow bridge.
02:44Yes.
02:45You are left alone in this world.
02:48I got a letter in the mail.
02:50Okay.
02:50And naturally, I was really angry with the mailman.
02:53Sure.
02:53I don't trust people who drive cars with no doors.
02:56I honestly feel the same way about the mailman.
02:57I'm glad that you can get mail with your income.
03:00Mail is sort of like a public service.
03:01It's sort of universally for anybody.
03:02But also, I could FedEx something.
03:04Oh, okay.
03:05Yeah, so I got a letter.
03:07And it stated that my man, partner, friend, Alfred, left me the estate.
03:14His entire fortune.
03:15Yes.
03:15Valued at $3.6 billion.
03:17And I'm here to hopefully use your platform to reach out to my family, my step people,
03:23and make one last-ditch effort to put us back together.
03:26You have three step people, correct?
03:28And they are?
03:29Madison.
03:30Louisa.
03:30And three, two, one.
03:32Other Louisa.
03:32Other Louisa.
03:33Yeah.
03:33They keep calling me things like dog.
03:36Sure.
03:36You're a dog.
03:38Why would they leave money to a dog?
03:40Feels tricky when bitch is right there, right?
03:42Bitch doesn't bother me.
03:43We've reclaimed it.
03:44Well, I understand that you're in a pretty intense probate battle with your step people.
03:48So I was wondering, maybe you could take this opportunity now to go ahead and send a message
03:53to your step people.
03:54You know what?
03:55I am going to stand up.
03:57Okay.
04:03Madison, Louisa, another Louisa.
04:08I may dig for bones, but I have never been a gold digger.
04:15Your father loved me, and he told me I was a good girl.
04:17You know who weren't good girls?
04:19You!
04:20Oh, wait.
04:21This is supposed to be an apology.
04:22You guys have editors, correct?
04:23We can take some of that out.
04:25We can, but it seems like you don't actually want to apologize to them.
04:28Oh, no, I do.
04:29I am...
04:31I am...
04:35That was really...
04:36That was the apology?
04:37That was really emotional.
04:38So sort of from my perspective, it sort of looked like you yelled at them for a few minutes
04:41and then...
04:42Please don't victim blame.
04:43And I wouldn't.
04:43I was crying.
04:45Were you?
04:45I was sobbing.
04:46So sort of maybe this sob will have tears attached to it.
04:49You know what I mean?
04:49That is more than one way to cry.
04:52Okay.
04:52And when you say that crying needs tears, you are leaving out the dry-eyed community.
04:57I see.
04:57So I have an apology to the dry-eyed community.
04:59I didn't realize that that...
05:00Take accountability.
05:01So, um...
05:02You can do it to me.
05:03I'm the one you offended.
05:04Okay, so then we'll do it like that.
05:06To Paloma and the rest of the dry-eyed community, I...
05:09When you do the dry-eyed community part, then you should stand and say it to the community.
05:13Oh, I see.
05:13Uh, Paloma...
05:14Yes.
05:15...and the dry-eyed community.
05:17I would like to sincerely apologize and take accountability for the fact that I did not realize...
05:21No, you didn't!
05:23Continue.
05:24Not everyone will forgive you.
05:25Okay, so you're sort of being the audience in this situation.
05:27I am sorry.
05:28I would like to open my heart and let you know that I didn't realize that some people cry without
05:32tears.
05:32What are you gonna do in the future?
05:34Stop making excuses!
05:35Okay, and in the future, I will realize that some cry without tears, some scream without voices, and you are
05:40still a valuable member of society.
05:42Ooh!
05:43And I will make a donation.
05:44I will make a monetary donation to Vizine.
05:47They need it!
05:48And the Johnson & Johnson Corporation.
05:50They're so poor.
05:51Five hundred dollars.
05:54I will donate five hundred...
05:56Five thousand...
05:58Five hundred...
06:00Okay, you're sweating.
06:02So, you know, we'll sort of figure out maybe that money amount after that.
06:05And we will be back in one minute after a new segment from Chomsky's Potato Chips.
06:11Today, we have a surprise for our wonderful PA named...
06:16Oh, our wonderful PA.
06:18There is a surprise for her, and her name is...
06:22Her name...
06:23Her name is...
06:25Her name is...
06:26Jada.
06:27Jada.
06:28We have a surprise for our wonderful PA named Jada.
06:30Jada, hold out your hands.
06:33And there you go.
06:34Your surprise flan.
06:36Open your blindfold.
06:37Guess what it is.
06:40Open the blindfold?
06:41Open the blindfold, but guess what it is.
06:43Guess what your surprise flan is.
06:44Guess what your surprise is.
06:46Well, you said flan, so I guess...
06:48There we go.
06:50Congratulations, Jada.
06:51We appreciate you here on Very Important People.
06:53Sponsored by Chomsky's.
06:54America's tastiest, heartiest, crispiest chip.
07:00And we're back.
07:01That was fun.
07:02Let's go ahead and move on to our next segment.
07:03What's in my bag?
07:06What a beautiful bag.
07:07Oh, thank you.
07:08Heavy.
07:09A lot of cash out front.
07:10You never know.
07:10You're going to have to pick up some poo.
07:12Okay.
07:12So that's sort of poop money?
07:13Yes, this is poop money.
07:14Sort of shit money.
07:15Okay.
07:15So we'll sort of...
07:16Maybe let's take a peek in the bag.
07:18Oh, we have some car keys.
07:19We have some car keys.
07:21Oh, okay.
07:22Okay.
07:22So sort of a toy for you is a Honda Accord.
07:26Are you all right?
07:27Okay.
07:27Alfred used to jingle these at me.
07:30Are they just the keys or does the Honda Accord come attached to?
07:32No, we thought it was funny that there was such a car.
07:35Maybe let's move on to the next item.
07:36Yes, please.
07:37Oh, a notebook.
07:39Yes.
07:39May I?
07:40Sure.
07:40I see a really beautiful passage here.
07:42Do you mind taking a read?
07:43It sort of is talking a little bit about your grief process here.
07:46Oh, oh.
07:47It says, dear diary, it's yours truly, Paloma, as it always has been from the very purse page.
07:56You lost your partner, your friend, the person who saw you at the puppy pound when no one else
08:03would.
08:03When Sarah McLachlan stopped singing for us and we lost all of our funding and we thought
08:08all hope was lost, you came in and you rescued me.
08:12And now that you're gone, I spend my days getting diamond tip facials.
08:17Days?
08:17If you want this kind of coat, you must take care of it.
08:20Write that down, diamond tip facial maybe.
08:21When I spend my days crying my dry eyes out, sticking my head out of every car that we,
08:30oh, I own now.
08:33Yeah.
08:33The McLaurin, the headwind just doesn't feel the same.
08:36The Bentley, when that door opens from the back, I don't pants out of it as fast as I used
08:41to.
08:42I know exactly what that's like.
08:43The helicopter pads.
08:44Sure.
08:44That once would ruffle my fur when I knew that Alfred was coming home from a long day
08:51golfing 20 minutes away.
08:52I hate it when the helicopter pad when you're on there and it just, you know, it...
08:55Oh, you've seen it on the news.
08:57Well, no, one time I broke my foot at a soccer game and they helivacked me off the field.
09:03My gosh, what a wonderful experience that must have been for you.
09:07Your time to be in a helicopter.
09:09Okay, well, and that sort of brings me to the next one here, which is...
09:13Oh, my pistol!
09:15Why are we carrying this around?
09:16To shoot people if needed.
09:18Right, okay.
09:19So we'll sort of put that back.
09:20No, we should cut that up.
09:21Can I ask, how did Alfred die?
09:23He died of causes.
09:25Of causes.
09:26Okay.
09:27I actually started a charity for causes.
09:29Okay, yeah.
09:29I want to end all of them.
09:31We can see that sort of in your video for the charity right here.
09:33Yes, every single day, a hundred percent of people are being affected by causes.
09:41Causes affect all of us.
09:43But together, we can be aware of them.
09:52Huh, okay.
09:53Vague.
09:54Vague in a way that sort of covers everything.
09:56It gets me every time.
09:57Yeah.
09:57Okay, here we go.
09:58Rapid fire questions.
10:01Oh, what's your go-to pickup line?
10:06I try that one sometimes.
10:08Who is your best friend?
10:10Alfred, and he's dead.
10:12And I don't know who did it.
10:14But we need to get out of probate court right now.
10:18Madison, Louisa, and other Louisa.
10:20Paloma, I'm sorry.
10:21My producer is flagging a photo, and we're going to go ahead and pull up that photo.
10:25It is a photo of you with another partner, another man.
10:28Oh, that is just a walker.
10:30And another photo who's giving you a treat.
10:32That's just a walker.
10:33So your best friend is Alfred, and you feel confident saying that, knowing that we have
10:36these photos.
10:36Yeah, I feel really attacked.
10:38I feel really...
10:39Hey, hey, we're fine.
10:41No, it's fine.
10:42No, don't worry about it.
10:43Next question, fuck Mary or kill?
10:45Kill?
10:46Who said anything about killing?
10:48No, it's like a gay...
10:49Who said anything about me killing somebody?
10:51I don't think anybody...
10:51Madison, did Madison say that?
10:52Did that bitch Madison talk to you?
10:54She's a skank, she's a filthy skank, and she's a liar.
10:57She's a liar.
10:58I didn't kill anybody.
11:00I've never done murders ever before.
11:02Nobody said that.
11:02You're saying that you did murders.
11:03And I never do them again, because you've got to do it once to do it again.
11:06Nobody said...
11:06Hey, Joe, chill out.
11:08Okay, and nobody said that.
11:09Okay, just...
11:10Give me your pat-lick!
11:11What's this?
11:11I want a suss on your pat-lick!
11:13Hey, hey, there we go.
11:14Okay, hey, hey, hey.
11:15Okay, hold on, hold on.
11:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:17Hey.
11:18Hey, hey, what's this?
11:19What is this?
11:20What is this?
11:22Is that a dog treat?
11:23Yeah, yeah.
11:24Okay.
11:25Oh, look at this.
11:26Okay, here we go.
11:28Oh, yum.
11:30Yum.
11:31Yummy.
11:32Okay, that's kind of sweet, actually.
11:33Yeah.
11:34Oh, you're not in trouble.
11:35No first-degree murder for you.
11:37No first-degree murder for you.
11:38No, you're so pretty.
11:39You're a beautiful dog.
11:41You want some more?
11:42You want some more?
11:44Okay, I killed him.
11:46Okay.
11:46I killed him with a knife.
11:48Okay, so, okay, yeah.
11:49What does it matter?
11:50I'm a dog.
11:51You said it.
11:51I'm a dog.
11:52All dogs go to heaven.
11:53There's no consequences.
11:55There's nothing in the law book that says a dog can't stab a man repeatedly and then clean
12:00it with bleach.
12:01Okay, I'm in McHale's reminding you to be true to yourself, unless you'd rather be somebody else.
12:04Good night.
12:08Bad dog.
12:08Bad dog.
12:09I don't know.
12:10Call the cops.
12:11I think she killed him.
12:12Ah!
12:18Okay.
12:19Okay.
12:20Shh, shh, shh.
12:23Edwin.
12:24Hello.
12:24I was just wanting to say I noticed what a wonderful job you've been doing on set, and
12:28I have a gift for you.
12:34You've been pranked.
12:35You've been pranked.
12:36You're on a hidden camera show.
12:37You got chomped, Edwin!
12:39No, I do need that.
12:40I need that back.
12:41We'll break change, though.
12:41Do you have change?
12:42Can you break change for me?
12:43Do you?
12:44Edwin?
12:44Oh, Edwin!
12:45Edwin!
12:45Hold on, though.
12:46Wait, just come back.
12:47Come back!
12:47Bye-bye.
12:48Bye-bye.
12:48Bye-bye.
12:48Bye-bye.
12:48Bye-bye.
12:48Bye-bye.
12:49Bye-bye.
12:49Bye-bye.
12:50Bye-bye.
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