- 2 days ago
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00:00:18Oh no thanks, just give me my check.
00:00:24You want your check, I'll give you your fucking check.
00:00:27What's the problem with you fucking hipsters, it takes you three hours to finish a goddamn
00:00:31beer with your head burning in your fucking phone, oblivious to the world around you.
00:00:40You fucking pussy.
00:01:21You fucking pussy.
00:01:45Playing only the best music, this is your number one radio station.
00:01:511031 The Scream.
00:01:57Good morning Havertown, Jason Meyers here from 1031 The Scream.
00:02:03Reports are coming in, there was another happy hour slasher killing last night.
00:02:07Lock your doors, lock your windows, check under your bed, stay safe out there everybody.
00:02:14The temperature in the greater Philadelphia area is currently 78 degrees with a high today
00:02:19of 83.
00:02:20And now we've got another classic coming right your way here on 1031 The Scream.
00:02:26The Scream.
00:02:47You are the magic.
00:02:58Let's go.
00:03:46Let's go.
00:03:50Let's go.
00:03:51What the fuck is wrong with you?
00:03:53Where the fuck you been?
00:03:54It's 2 p.m., huh?
00:03:57How'd you get in here?
00:03:58The back window.
00:04:00I had to climb up some dude's hood.
00:04:01I fucked it all up.
00:04:03You know, you're lucky we're fucking friends.
00:04:05You know that?
00:04:05Yeah.
00:04:08Are we still doing this?
00:04:09Yeah, we're still doing it.
00:04:10It's good to be safe.
00:04:11Okay.
00:04:15Yeah, if you're in here any longer, you're gonna be a fucking store.
00:04:18Yeah, well, I was getting low in here, man.
00:04:20Can you grab another beer on?
00:04:21Yeah.
00:04:22You grab yourself.
00:04:23Oh, thanks, buddy.
00:04:24Appreciate that.
00:04:34Just watched your favorite Rocky movie last night.
00:04:36Rocky 5?
00:04:37Mm-hmm.
00:04:39You knock them down.
00:04:40Why don't you try knocking me down?
00:04:42Yeah.
00:04:42Yeah, that's the one.
00:04:44I love the ending with it.
00:04:45You're gonna have the army exam steps?
00:04:47Oh.
00:04:48Oh, him and his kid?
00:04:49The kid's like, you're gonna love it in here.
00:04:51They got Picasso, they got this guy, they got that guy.
00:04:54And then Rocky's like, well, I love almost everybody.
00:04:57You're pretty damn good at that, Sonny.
00:04:59Thanks, pal.
00:05:00You know, what am I doing in here?
00:05:01I gotta open up.
00:05:03I'm here talking to you.
00:05:04I gotta get your own key.
00:05:13So that Slash is really getting around town, huh?
00:05:17So I hear, man.
00:05:18So I hear.
00:05:19Yeah.
00:05:20I heard on the radio this morning that there were three more murders last night.
00:05:24Two of them at your old competitor's place.
00:05:25The fucking, what is it?
00:05:26The Chugga Mug?
00:05:27Dan the bartender took a bottle to the gut.
00:05:29Dan the bartender?
00:05:31I never liked that guy.
00:05:32And some young hipster kid who, man, had no business being in that bar.
00:05:37Well, he got scalped all the way to his man bun.
00:05:42And then they slash his throat.
00:05:45Pretty soon you're gonna be the only bar in town, Sonny.
00:05:48Well, Frankie.
00:05:50I can always fall back on my acting career, right?
00:05:52Yeah.
00:05:53Yeah, that's good for you, man.
00:05:54But what about me, huh?
00:05:55Where am I gonna go?
00:06:00What gives a fuck about me, right?
00:06:02Where's the fucking...
00:06:03Where's the remote around here, huh?
00:06:05Can I get the remote?
00:06:09No.
00:06:09Anything else you need, fucker?
00:06:11Nah, that's good.
00:06:13I'll put that beer on your tab, too, right?
00:06:15Yeah, yeah, right.
00:06:20This is Joe Holden live, Channel 15 Spot on News.
00:06:24We're at the Habertown Town Hall, where concerned citizens are discussing the Happy Hour Slasher.
00:06:29Oh, that was so boring.
00:06:31I know.
00:06:34No comment.
00:06:38What is this, kindergarten?
00:06:40No, our parents are right behind us, dumbass!
00:06:43Dumbass.
00:06:45Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor, care to comment on the Happy Hour Slasher?
00:06:48Boy, I heard what she just called you.
00:06:50But anyhow, you know what?
00:06:53I think I might have to close down a couple of my local businesses.
00:06:58I'm gonna have to talk to my constituents.
00:07:00Your local businesses.
00:07:02Mayor, is it true that you have a concerned interest in a lot of the local businesses?
00:07:05Yes, I do.
00:07:06Especially the new dispensary?
00:07:07Yes, I do.
00:07:08Matter of fact, I like the job, the expose that you did on one of my local dispensaries.
00:07:13And did you see this as a conflict of interest?
00:07:14No, I don't.
00:07:15No, no, no, no.
00:07:16Necessarily, no.
00:07:18Absolutely, unequivocally, no.
00:07:20As a matter of fact, I think dispensaries and places like that are very good.
00:07:27It's robust for our economy, even though we're dealing with this Happy Hour Slasher, as you guys in the media
00:07:33so call it.
00:07:34And by the way, why do you have my face on the front of the paper?
00:07:37I really did not like that.
00:07:40I mean, a handsome, good-looking black guy like me shouldn't be on the front of the paper a mayor
00:07:45of a fine city such as this with constituents such as you.
00:07:48Well, you were sunbathing on your deck in the new Stone Harbor Residency.
00:07:53Yeah, wait, wait, wait, man.
00:07:54And if I remember correctly,
00:07:57wouldn't you one of the people that I invited up there to?
00:08:00And were you with your wife or were you with somebody else, by the way?
00:08:04Well, there we go.
00:08:05Me and the mayor go way back.
00:08:06That's what I'm talking about.
00:08:07Speaking of back, back to you, Connie.
00:08:09Yeah, yeah, now we gotta leave.
00:08:28Hey, that's your new mayor, Booker.
00:08:33What can I get you?
00:08:37Shit, Sonny.
00:08:38Listen.
00:08:40I didn't come here to drink.
00:08:43But, if you buyin',
00:08:45a double shot of blackberry brand.
00:08:47And if it's free,
00:08:49shit, it's on me.
00:08:50You know what I'm saying?
00:08:52You've got it, sir.
00:09:02Here you go.
00:09:03Oh, boy.
00:09:13Oh, boy.
00:09:17Blackberry brandy.
00:09:17Blackberry brandy.
00:09:18You know what?
00:09:18One of my women.
00:09:19Name used to be called Blackberry brandy.
00:09:22Mmm.
00:09:24Telling me, she was something.
00:09:25She was a bad mamma jammer.
00:09:26But, you guys wouldn't know how to handle something like that.
00:09:30A woman that wild.
00:09:32Shit, you know, come and think of it.
00:09:35Neither could I.
00:09:38Mmm.
00:09:39Mmm.
00:09:42It comin'.
00:09:43Still buyin'.
00:09:44Can you say you, uh, you came in here for something, Mayor?
00:09:48Came in here to tell you, I think you should close down for a couple days until we find this
00:09:54fuckin' happy hour slasher.
00:09:56Mayor.
00:09:57Listen.
00:09:59What you think and what's my reality are two different things.
00:10:02During this pandemic, nobody gave a shit about me.
00:10:05No bank.
00:10:05No loans.
00:10:07No PPP or whatever the fuck.
00:10:09Okay?
00:10:10I almost lost my car.
00:10:11You know I love that fuckin' car.
00:10:13I couldn't pay for my employees.
00:10:14I love them like family.
00:10:16Then, I had to refinance my house to pay for the mortgage on the bar.
00:10:19And now, I'm finally open, and you're tellin' me you want me to close the doors?
00:10:24Nah.
00:10:25I don't think so, Mayor.
00:10:25Let me bring you into my reality and what I have goin' on in my life.
00:10:29Okay?
00:10:30You ever hear of a thing called Irish guilt?
00:10:31I fuckin' have it.
00:10:32My whole life, my mom told me one thing.
00:10:34Always pay your bills.
00:10:36My mom is probably rollin' over in her grave right now,
00:10:38knowing the position that I'm in.
00:10:40All the money that I fuckin' owe.
00:10:42Got my stimulus.
00:10:44I feel you.
00:10:45I'm paying for your circumstances.
00:10:48But I have to tell you somethin', Sonny.
00:10:50You got to look out for your customers.
00:10:52You understand me?
00:10:53Cause why?
00:10:54Your customers is my constituents.
00:10:57And they pay my bills.
00:11:00You understand?
00:11:01Like I said, I feel sorry, but you feel me, Sonny?
00:11:05I'm not fuckin' close.
00:11:10Why don't you let us worry about us, alright?
00:11:16Okay, Sonny.
00:11:17I see you got your protection here.
00:11:21Motherfuckin' Frankie and his Shia LaBeouf lookin' ass.
00:11:25Oh.
00:11:26Mmm.
00:11:29Ugh.
00:11:30I hadn't been in the paper since last motherfuckin' month.
00:11:35With that fuckin' DUI incident.
00:11:38When that motherfuckin' cop stopped me.
00:11:41And told me and my big fine black ass to walk that straight line.
00:11:47I said, what?
00:11:49I ain't walkin' no motherfuckin' line until there's a motherfuckin' net up under.
00:11:56You understand me?
00:11:57You see?
00:11:58Ugh, shit.
00:12:01Oh.
00:12:05That's what I did.
00:12:06Ah, boy.
00:12:08So.
00:12:09In that case.
00:12:11You do you.
00:12:13You do you.
00:12:15I'mma do me.
00:12:17As a matter of fact, give me that bottle.
00:12:21I'm gonna look up blackberry brandy.
00:12:25Mmm.
00:12:26Then give us, uh, get the namesake some of this.
00:12:30Know what I'm sayin'?
00:12:31This stuff is smooth.
00:12:33You be safe?
00:12:35I done already told you about the fuckin' slasher.
00:12:37Don't you go get fucked up.
00:12:40Know what I'm sayin'?
00:12:41Cause you the muscle.
00:12:43Listen.
00:12:43I'm out!
00:12:49I gotta be honest, Frankie.
00:12:51I'm probably still gonna go for you.
00:12:52That's one crazy fucker.
00:12:54Yeah, I want to.
00:12:56I'm gonna take a leak.
00:13:02Well, what color are they?
00:13:05Pink lace.
00:13:07I'm on the air.
00:13:08I gotta go.
00:13:09Oh, uh, this is Joe Holden.
00:13:11Channel 13.
00:13:12Spot on news.
00:13:14Live at the Havertown town meeting with Lieutenant Joe McGibney.
00:13:19Return of the Joe's.
00:13:20Yeah, Return of the Joe's.
00:13:21How are you, buddy?
00:13:22I was just thinking about you.
00:13:23Really?
00:13:24Yeah, how did rehab go?
00:13:24Did you kick the nose candy thing?
00:13:27Yeah, well, uh, couple months of Florida.
00:13:29Does wonders.
00:13:29Cool.
00:13:29Do you need any help?
00:13:30No, no.
00:13:32Right as rain.
00:13:33And the guy dropped the sodomy charge?
00:13:35Yeah, well, it was expunged, so that's what courts are for.
00:13:38Joe, uh, old high school buddy of mine, uh, just want to know what's going on here with
00:13:43the happy hour murderer.
00:13:48You're a cop.
00:13:50I got nothing, man.
00:13:51I don't know what you want me to say.
00:13:52You're doing the cocaine thing.
00:13:53You've been on the job for like three weeks now.
00:13:56Town hall meeting.
00:13:57Town hall meeting.
00:13:58The town hall meeting.
00:13:59There's been 22 victims so far.
00:14:02Uh, hipsters, centerfolds, and bar owners.
00:14:06If you're a hipster and a bar owner, stay home.
00:14:09Be safe.
00:14:09If you're a centerfold, come to the station and I can be available for questioning or conversation
00:14:15or coffee or whatever you might want to.
00:14:17You might want to have a third person in the room because of the, uh.
00:14:20The restraining order.
00:14:21Yes, the restraining order.
00:14:22Yes.
00:14:23Yes.
00:14:24Well, this is Joe Holden and Officer, ooh, I mean Lieutenant.
00:14:29Lieutenant.
00:14:29Joe McGibney at the town hall in Habertown.
00:14:32Back to you, Connie.
00:14:34And I'll see you after your shift.
00:14:39So, uh, what's going on, Joe?
00:14:40Hold on.
00:14:41Let me, let me get this connected.
00:14:42You could have told me we were on camera when I came out.
00:14:44No, it, it, I've got a microphone in my hand.
00:14:46I got stage fright.
00:14:48I think I peed a little.
00:14:49Well, you're over 50.
00:14:50Everyone pees a little.
00:14:51Stop saying that.
00:14:52Come on.
00:14:52Stop saying that.
00:14:52How long have we known each other?
00:14:53Since high school.
00:14:54Yeah.
00:14:55And I got you an FOP card.
00:14:56Yeah.
00:14:56And I fixed your parking tickets.
00:14:58Mm-hmm.
00:14:58And I planted drugs on a hooker.
00:15:00One time.
00:15:01Twice.
00:15:01It was twice.
00:15:02Well, twice.
00:15:03Twice times.
00:15:03So what else I got to do?
00:15:05I don't know.
00:15:06You're the cop.
00:15:07Goddammit, man.
00:15:07Did you hear about the body we found last week?
00:15:09No.
00:15:10Oh.
00:15:11Half the hour at the Manoa Tavern for some woodworking class.
00:15:15We find this smoking hot chick with a wooden horse head jammed up for Danny DeVito.
00:15:19Oh, my God.
00:15:21You know what she looks like?
00:15:23Where's the chick from science class?
00:15:25Your lab partner.
00:15:26What was her?
00:15:26Ariella.
00:15:28Ariella.
00:15:28Ariella.
00:15:29Yeah.
00:15:30She really does look like Ariella.
00:15:31Yeah, she does.
00:15:32Did you Photoshop her head on?
00:15:33Because I know you had a big crush on her.
00:15:35I'm not looking at her head.
00:15:36Yeah.
00:15:36You better check up on her.
00:15:37I bet that's her.
00:15:38Right.
00:15:39You know, you should do police work and find out if it really is her.
00:15:43You asshole.
00:15:43I'm the asshole.
00:15:45Do you want to join me for a drink at Sonny's?
00:15:47Sonny's?
00:15:48The place is still open?
00:15:49Hmm?
00:15:49I can't.
00:15:50I got that thing.
00:15:51All the other bars are hipster bars.
00:15:53Ah, some people like hipster bars.
00:15:55Hipsters are getting murdered.
00:15:55Don't pee yourself.
00:15:57You fat bastard.
00:15:58See you hipster, bye.
00:16:02Robert.
00:16:03Did you bring that from home?
00:16:06Yeah, I broke yours.
00:16:07You broke mine?
00:16:07Yeah.
00:16:08And you got me a new one?
00:16:10And they say never to hire friends.
00:16:12What the fuck says that?
00:16:13It's a joke.
00:16:15Jesus.
00:16:16Hey, do you know where the Fox and the Hound is?
00:16:18Uh, yeah.
00:16:19Fox and the Hound.
00:16:20Yeah, it's right down the street next to another place.
00:16:22What's it called, right?
00:16:22Oh yeah, go fuck yourself.
00:16:24Asshole.
00:16:26I'm sorry, sir.
00:16:27Sir?
00:16:29Rob.
00:16:31Are you not going to class?
00:16:32You got to breathe.
00:16:33Alright, buddy?
00:16:34Fuck him.
00:16:35Alright.
00:16:36Go clean the bar.
00:16:37We just opened.
00:16:38What are we going to do?
00:16:39Close again?
00:16:40We're going to write a better Yelp review.
00:16:43You remember the last Yelp review?
00:16:45Huh?
00:16:46The guy with no pants?
00:16:49Maybe that was you?
00:16:50Maybe it wasn't?
00:16:51I don't know.
00:17:06Hey, what's going on, Sonny?
00:17:08Hey, Tommy.
00:17:09Give me a beer.
00:17:10I got a new hearing aid today.
00:17:14Top of the line, $5,600 bucks.
00:17:17Really?
00:17:18What kind?
00:17:19What?
00:17:20What kind?
00:17:23515 is what I got.
00:17:47Hey.
00:17:49Hey, buddy.
00:17:50What can I get you?
00:17:51Uh, could I get a, um, a non-alcoholic pina colada?
00:17:56We'll just settle for a beer.
00:17:57Yeah.
00:17:58Yeah.
00:17:58That's fine.
00:17:59Can I still have the umbrella?
00:18:02Sure.
00:18:03I don't see why not.
00:18:06Ooh.
00:18:08You're in luck, pal.
00:18:09Just grab that off the floor.
00:18:13There you go, big guy.
00:18:15Thanks.
00:18:17You know, you look familiar.
00:18:19I know you from somewhere.
00:18:21Well, you should, Sonny.
00:18:23It's Mickey.
00:18:24We went to high school together, remember?
00:18:25I was at Jen Rulo's party.
00:18:27She got me all naked and jumped in the pool, and then she threw my clothes into the pool afterwards.
00:18:32It's Clark Duncan.
00:18:33Clark Duncan?
00:18:34Dunkin' Donuts?
00:18:35Yeah, I was 100 pounds heavier then, but...
00:18:37Good for you, pal.
00:18:39You look great.
00:18:39Thanks, man.
00:18:40It's just, you know, it's just a mindset.
00:18:42It's a gold mindset.
00:18:43God bless you, man.
00:18:44Let me know if you need anything else, Clark.
00:18:49Man, I thought that guy was dead.
00:18:59Ugh.
00:19:00Is this thing broken again?
00:19:04Hey, Sonny, I'm here.
00:19:05You're late again, Mayor.
00:19:07What did my husband call you?
00:19:09I need another kid like I need another kid.
00:19:12Nice umbrella.
00:19:21Yo, Sonny.
00:19:22How the hell are you, pal?
00:19:23Yo, buddy.
00:19:23What's up, Tom?
00:19:25How you been, bud?
00:19:26Oh, you know me, brother.
00:19:28I'm doing great.
00:19:29Check this out.
00:19:30Last night, I was sitting at this restaurant, enjoying my meal.
00:19:34Behind me, there's this old couple.
00:19:35And the wife gets up something frantic.
00:19:38She says, does anybody know CPR?
00:19:41I stood up.
00:19:42I said, sweetheart, I know all the letters.
00:19:44A.
00:19:45P.
00:19:46C.
00:19:47You should have been there.
00:19:48I had the whole fucking place cracking up.
00:19:50Except, of course, for her husband, who was clearly choking to death on the ground, the poor bastard.
00:19:54You serious, Tom?
00:19:55Nah, I'm just fucking with you, Sonny.
00:19:57You're an asshole.
00:19:59Give me a tequila.
00:19:59No ice, please.
00:20:01Yeah, I got you.
00:20:03Anything new with you guys?
00:20:04I got a story for you.
00:20:05And it's true.
00:20:07Last month, I'm down in the city, 54th and Santum.
00:20:10I'm in the pickup truck, crossing over a stop sign.
00:20:13I get T-boned.
00:20:14After they T-boned me, they try to pull me out of the truck and fight me like it's my
00:20:16fault.
00:20:17But that's not the worst of it.
00:20:19After all that, I get a call from the dealership.
00:20:21The dealership says, Mr. Martin, we're going to send you a gift card.
00:20:24I said, for what?
00:20:24They said, for the break-in.
00:20:26I said, what break-in?
00:20:28So here, someone broke into the truck.
00:20:30Who knows what they did?
00:20:31They don't have any camera footage.
00:20:32So I'm sitting at home thinking, was it like a quickie?
00:20:36Did somebody get pregnant?
00:20:37Did they use it to give birth?
00:20:39So now I'm like skeeved out.
00:20:40Everywhere I go, I'm thinking like, why is this gear a little sticky?
00:20:43I don't know.
00:20:44Guess what they sent me?
00:20:45$25 gift card.
00:20:46Yeah, great.
00:20:47Send it to the expectant mother, right?
00:20:49Now that is a funny fucking story.
00:21:30I don't know.
00:21:32Bourbon neat. Leave the bottle.
00:21:46Can I help you, friend?
00:21:49No, I'm sorry. You're just...
00:21:51You look like a sports newscaster for Harley Davidson.
00:21:56Yeah, well, I can feel you staring at me with your rapey eyes.
00:21:59Sorry, I don't rape. I don't have a mean bone in my body.
00:22:05Calm down, buddy. I'm just fucking with you.
00:22:09You had me going there for a second.
00:22:13Name's Jack.
00:22:15Clarky.
00:22:16How you doing, Clarky?
00:22:18Great.
00:22:20Good.
00:22:21So what's your take on this happy hour killer, huh?
00:22:25Taking people out as they come out of happy hours.
00:22:27I mean, sometimes he doesn't even let them go in.
00:22:29I mean, what the fuck's up with that?
00:22:31At least let them get drunk and numb the pain before you take them out.
00:22:34Am I right?
00:22:34Yeah.
00:22:35I mean, I don't...
00:22:36This is really my first time out of the house.
00:22:39I'm here for a blind date, actually, you know?
00:22:42Actually, it's my first ever date.
00:22:45Your first date ever?
00:22:46Yeah.
00:22:46Yeah.
00:22:47Yeah.
00:22:50Let me give you a little advice, Clark, before you take off on this little journey of yours, alright?
00:22:56Okay.
00:22:56There's two things women want in their manners.
00:23:00Yeah, I...
00:23:00No, you don't need a pen, just listen.
00:23:02They want strength, and they want mystery.
00:23:07I love agitricity.
00:23:09Wrong kind of mystery, Clark.
00:23:10Okay.
00:23:11Alright.
00:23:13Now, this is the most important thing I'm going to tell you.
00:23:16And there's two elements.
00:23:19Never chase a woman.
00:23:21Well, what if they leave their coat in the...
00:23:22And never, ever, ever, talk about your fucking feelings.
00:23:32Alright.
00:23:36Now look, you strike me as a comic book superhero, comic con kind of guy, am I right?
00:23:44I have all the Aquamans.
00:23:45Yeah.
00:23:46So what you need to do, is you need to think of yourself as a superhero when it comes to
00:23:52women.
00:23:53Alright?
00:23:54And strength, and mystery, are your superpowers.
00:23:58How about lasers?
00:23:59The more you chase a woman, the more you talk about your fucking feelings, the more power you lose.
00:24:08Until one day, you're powerless.
00:24:11And you wind up, curled up in the bottom of your shower, crying as the rain cascades down over your
00:24:19face,
00:24:20washing your tears down the drain into the dark sewer below.
00:24:24Why is it raining in my shower?
00:24:26What are the two things you're not gonna do, Clark?
00:24:31Mystery.
00:24:33Show them my Agatha Christie novels.
00:24:36Clark.
00:24:37Are you listening?
00:24:38I'm gonna chase them.
00:24:39No, I'm not going to chase them.
00:24:41Even if they forget their coat, I will not chase them.
00:24:44Clark, there is no coat in this story.
00:24:46A scarf.
00:24:46Clark, don't make me think there's no hope for you, Clark.
00:24:49I can...
00:24:50Look at me.
00:24:52Look at me.
00:24:54Clark.
00:24:56Don't chase them.
00:24:57They're scared when you chase them.
00:24:58And don't talk about what?
00:25:02Comic books?
00:25:03Clark, think.
00:25:05My feelings.
00:25:07Yes, say them.
00:25:08Say them again.
00:25:09I won't chase them, and I won't feel them.
00:25:13Feel, you know, my feelings towards them.
00:25:16I won't.
00:25:17I won't.
00:25:18I will bottle it up like my dad.
00:25:19Clark.
00:25:21You're not gonna chase them.
00:25:23And you're not gonna talk about your fucking feelings.
00:25:26Fine.
00:25:27Alright?
00:25:27Say it.
00:25:28I'm not.
00:25:29You're not what?
00:25:30I'm not gonna chase them, and I'm not gonna feel-
00:25:33talk about my feelings with them.
00:25:35There you go.
00:25:37Hey, Sonny, turn off the noose.
00:25:39Is that a three-legged dog?
00:25:41Fuck, I don't even wear these things.
00:25:45Get me another drink.
00:25:46Joe Holden, live channel 13 spot on news.
00:25:48We're here at the Havertown Town Hall.
00:25:51We're having a meeting about the happy hour slasher.
00:25:56Concerned citizens are getting ready to file out.
00:25:58We want to get some comments on them, see what they think.
00:26:03Anytime.
00:26:04Hey!
00:26:04How are ya?
00:26:05How are ya?
00:26:06I'm doing good.
00:26:07Care to comment on what's going on inside?
00:26:10It's terrifying.
00:26:10It's absolutely horrifying.
00:26:12Good.
00:26:13So, what's so horrifying about it?
00:26:14You never know what's gonna happen next.
00:26:16Every day, something new.
00:26:17Are you sleeping at night?
00:26:18No, I don't sleep at night.
00:26:20I haven't slept in a really long time.
00:26:21Are you sleeping at night?
00:26:22No, we don't sleep in the same room.
00:26:24Is he in the doghouse?
00:26:25Oh, yeah.
00:26:26Every night.
00:26:26What did he do wrong?
00:26:28Hasn't he done wrong?
00:26:30Are you in therapy?
00:26:31Not yet.
00:26:32Would you like to see a therapist?
00:26:33Not at all.
00:26:34My cousin's a therapist.
00:26:36Is he single?
00:26:38No, but I am.
00:26:39Joe Holden is single.
00:26:40What?
00:26:42That's alright.
00:26:42Excuse me.
00:26:43If you just stand on this side.
00:26:45What's your name again?
00:26:46Um, Katie.
00:26:47Katie and Joe Holden.
00:26:49Signing off live from the Havertown Town Hall.
00:26:53Back to you, Connie.
00:26:54I know you guys ain't gonna believe me, but I know who did it.
00:26:57Oh, yeah?
00:26:58It was that hipster kid.
00:27:00The happy hour slasher.
00:27:02I don't even know why they'd fucking call him the happy hour slasher.
00:27:05What's he doing?
00:27:05Giving people half-priced fucking slashings or something?
00:27:09The guy kills people at night time.
00:27:12He doesn't even do it between hours five and seven, right?
00:27:15He does it at night.
00:27:16And he does it at night because he's a fucking hipster.
00:27:20I'll bet you it's that little fucking creeper hipster kid that used to come in here all the fucking time.
00:27:24You know?
00:27:25Talking about how he hates people for fucking Delco.
00:27:28Sure.
00:27:29Sure.
00:27:29Why didn't they call him the Delco Dick or something like that, you know?
00:27:52I already have it chilled for you, sir.
00:28:00How was your shift?
00:28:01I just got back from another happy hour kill.
00:28:04Wasn't as bad as last Saturday, though.
00:28:06We had this happy hour Zoom.
00:28:09Where you got three people all huddled together on one chair.
00:28:14Talking to their friends on a computer.
00:28:16And then all of a sudden, this sword comes out of nowhere and goes right through them.
00:28:21Blood going everywhere.
00:28:23People on the Zoom start puking.
00:28:24One guy dies of a heart attack because, oh, it's so scary.
00:28:29Did you say sword?
00:28:30Yeah.
00:28:32Long sword.
00:28:33Killer never even came in the frame.
00:28:35It made him a human shish kebab.
00:28:38You want to see pictures?
00:28:39Nah, I'm good.
00:28:40Did you say sword like sword S-O-R-D?
00:28:43No.
00:28:45Because there's a W in it.
00:28:48Who the fuck has a sword anyway?
00:28:49I have a sword.
00:28:51Clark.
00:28:51I wanted it a raffle.
00:28:52Clark, Clark.
00:28:53That's not something you should ever say out loud.
00:28:56Okay.
00:28:56Okay.
00:28:56I'm sorry.
00:28:57The officer.
00:28:59These hot chicks on Zoom.
00:29:01Like, forget about the swords.
00:29:02Was there any scissoring?
00:29:06I gotta get a new bar.
00:29:07Your clientele's crazy.
00:29:09You need to get a new fucking shirt, too.
00:29:11Can I get a beer, Sonny, please?
00:29:12You got it, Mayor.
00:29:24Hello?
00:29:27Slow down.
00:29:28Slow down.
00:29:28Slow down.
00:29:31Lock my doors.
00:29:34What?
00:29:36Don't let anybody else in.
00:29:38Yeah.
00:29:39Okay.
00:29:40I'll get right on that.
00:29:42Right until I get off your mother.
00:29:45Fucking jerk off.
00:29:47You want to hear something horrifying?
00:29:48The other day, we walk into a house, find a woman skinned alive.
00:29:53Wouldn't believe it.
00:29:53I guess apparently down in the basement, there's one of those water wells where he's keeping women,
00:29:58skinning them alive and making like a skin suit out of them to wear.
00:30:02Unbelievable.
00:30:03Sounds like silence.
00:30:05Possibly.
00:30:06We show up to a scene the following week.
00:30:09Apparently, there's a boat sank.
00:30:11The only people that we wound up rescuing are a sheriff and like a marine biologist.
00:30:15First of all, that's Jaws.
00:30:18Second, you're not an EMT.
00:30:20Do you even have a job?
00:30:21Yeah, I have a job.
00:30:22Yeah, he's got a job.
00:30:24He sold me some good, kind butt.
00:30:25Pretty nice, wasn't it?
00:30:26Humboldt County, man.
00:30:27Good shit.
00:30:27Can't go wrong up there.
00:30:28Gotta say it.
00:30:30Take it easy.
00:30:36Yo, son.
00:30:37Cousin Jimmy.
00:30:37What's up, buddy?
00:30:38Doing great, brother.
00:30:39How are you?
00:30:40What's up, brother?
00:30:40How you doing, man?
00:30:42Yo, you seen Frankie?
00:30:43Nah, dude.
00:30:43He's been in the bathroom all day.
00:30:47You gotta call a plumber.
00:30:49That toilet is out of service.
00:30:53Frankie, what the fuck is wrong with you?
00:30:55Listen, I got two beautiful girls lined up for tonight.
00:30:57You better get your shit together.
00:30:59Is that literally or figure it out?
00:31:00Both.
00:31:04What do you knuckleheads think this happy hour slasher looks like?
00:31:07I think he looks like Michael Myers, but not the original Michael Myers.
00:31:11More like the Rob Zombie one.
00:31:13Big, white, goofy mask.
00:31:14Big, tall motherfucker.
00:31:16Nah.
00:31:16He's like an average, medium average guy.
00:31:19Maybe he's dressed all dark, crouched down like a ninja or a burglar.
00:31:22Like stalks his victim that way.
00:31:24You know, you guys watch too many fucking movies, okay?
00:31:26Maybe he's just an average guy who's tired of all the assholes in the world.
00:31:29Why's me failing you, yeah, Frankie?
00:31:32Yeah, Frankie, you might be next, you fuck.
00:31:35Fuck off.
00:31:36The fuck's him out of you?
00:31:42Yay!
00:31:49Woo!
00:31:50The plumber has arrived!
00:31:52Yay!
00:31:53The final asshole.
00:32:01Frankie, did you fuck the toilet up again?
00:32:03Yeah, I guiltiest, Josh.
00:32:05Son of a bitch!
00:32:07All right.
00:32:08Daddy's gotta fix the toilet.
00:32:12I'm still here!
00:32:14Oh, yeah!
00:32:17Have fun.
00:32:29Sonny!
00:32:29What's up, guys?
00:32:30How are you?
00:32:30Good.
00:32:30How are you doing, man?
00:32:31What can I get you?
00:32:32All the seltzer.
00:32:33What do you got?
00:32:34I'm pretty parched.
00:32:35I'll have a vodka.
00:32:37You got it, buddy.
00:32:38You got it.
00:32:39You got it.
00:32:44Cool.
00:32:45Here is your seltzer.
00:32:48And you want double vodka?
00:32:49Yeah, sure.
00:32:50Sounds good.
00:32:52A lot going on these days, huh?
00:32:54Yeah, man.
00:32:54This slasher, right up to 22 kilos.
00:32:56Wow.
00:32:56That's crazy.
00:32:58I hear he's targeting hipsters.
00:33:00I heard that, too, man.
00:33:02Is it hippies or hipsters?
00:33:04I mean, there's a difference, right?
00:33:05No.
00:33:05There's a difference.
00:33:06Well, hippies just want to be, like, left alone, you know, smoke joints and all that.
00:33:09Right.
00:33:10Then what are hipsters?
00:33:12They're way too productive.
00:33:15I don't know where they get all their money from.
00:33:17They just wheeled bullshit together.
00:33:19That's true.
00:33:20That's true.
00:33:21You guys, you want me to start your tab?
00:33:23Yeah, that'd be great.
00:33:24I'll have Mary come over.
00:33:25All right, great.
00:33:25All right, guys.
00:33:26Nice seeing you.
00:33:26You too, man.
00:33:27All right, guys.
00:33:27See you.
00:33:28Yep, you too.
00:33:31Hey, guys.
00:33:32You mean anything?
00:33:33Two beers.
00:33:34All right.
00:33:37Yo, did you know about this guy?
00:33:39This happy hour slasher?
00:33:40Is this fucking dude fucked up or what?
00:33:43Football go bots, I think.
00:33:44You know?
00:33:45I don't understand what he thinks he's going to do.
00:33:47Yep.
00:33:48He's all keep talking about this slasher, man.
00:33:50But, like, seriously, guys.
00:33:53Think about it.
00:33:54What if dude is really a woman?
00:33:58Badass, right?
00:34:03Well, it's bad.
00:34:07Did she just take our nuts?
00:34:09I think so.
00:34:11Sonny, I was just thinking.
00:34:13You should really have some more IPAs on tap in this joint.
00:34:17IPAs?
00:34:18Don?
00:34:18Why don't you fuck yourself with your IPAs?
00:34:20I'm just saying.
00:34:22You know you're like a mean Woody?
00:34:24From Toy Story?
00:34:25From Cheers, you jerk off.
00:34:26Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:34:27Joe Holden live.
00:34:29Channel 13 spot on news.
00:34:30We're here at the Havertown Town Hall meeting tonight.
00:34:33Where they're discussing the happy hour murderer.
00:34:36Police are here.
00:34:37The mayor's town council is here.
00:34:38Oh, hi.
00:34:39How are you?
00:34:40What's your name?
00:34:41Sarah.
00:34:42Sarah, can you tell us a little about what happened in there today?
00:34:45Am I live on TV?
00:34:46You are absolutely live with Joe Holden.
00:34:48Oh, my God.
00:34:50Okay.
00:34:50So, I was a witness to one of the murders.
00:34:53So, we all work together.
00:34:55We're having this happy hour party at Matt's house.
00:34:57Totally turns into a rager.
00:34:59I forget my phone, so I have to go back to get it.
00:35:01I knock on the door.
00:35:03Nobody answers.
00:35:03So, I walk in.
00:35:04There he is.
00:35:05Face down in the bowl of Jell-O.
00:35:08What flavor?
00:35:09Green.
00:35:09That would be lime.
00:35:11Yeah.
00:35:11And so, I'm like, yo dude, can I get some Jell-O?
00:35:16And at first, I thought he just didn't want to share.
00:35:18But then I was like, oh shit, he's dead.
00:35:20Like, what a waste.
00:35:21And he was like, real hot.
00:35:23And there was definitely a lot of Jell-O in that bowl.
00:35:26Once again, Joe Holden, Channel 13, Spot On News.
00:35:29Green is not a flavor.
00:35:38Alright, I'm going to use the bathroom and then I'm getting the fuck out of this place.
00:35:43The bathroom's closed.
00:35:47I don't know why he's always fucking yelling at me.
00:35:50That's why I don't come around here half the time.
00:35:52It's cause your new hearing aid sucks, Tommy.
00:35:55You suck.
00:35:59Do you think he heard us?
00:36:01Or was that a coincidence?
00:36:16That fat guy in the little coat looks familiar down there.
00:36:19Guys, that's Clark Duncan from high school.
00:36:22Dunkin' Donuts.
00:36:23Clark Duncan?
00:36:24That guy's like, was 300 pounds.
00:36:26Last time I saw him was Jen Rulos' party senior year.
00:36:29Jen Rulos.
00:36:30Marron.
00:36:31I motorboated the shit out of her that night.
00:36:33She had the best cans in the whole school.
00:36:35Yes, she did.
00:36:42You know, nobody knows this except for my mom, but I'm still a virgin.
00:36:46Oh, come on, Clark.
00:36:48Why the fuck are you wearing a wedding ring?
00:36:50I read in Teen Cosmo, it attracts the ladies.
00:36:53Listen, Clark.
00:36:54All right.
00:36:55Mr. Virgin.
00:36:57All right.
00:36:57There's one thing you need to know.
00:36:58All right.
00:36:59Some women need to be wined and dying before they'll jump in the bed with you.
00:37:03And others just want to get straight to the fucking.
00:37:06All right.
00:37:07But what you need to do is you need, when time comes, is to let their body do the talking.
00:37:12You understand what I'm saying?
00:37:13All right.
00:37:14Some women just want straight missionary.
00:37:17They're not going to talk.
00:37:18They're not going to make any fucking noise whatsoever.
00:37:20And others are going to want hard fucking with lots of talking.
00:37:25You understand?
00:37:26But it's what you do from the time the actual talking stops and the time you both come,
00:37:32hopefully, you both come, that's going to make you a fucking legend.
00:37:38You got it?
00:37:40But how do I know what they want?
00:37:43What?
00:37:45I just fucking told you.
00:37:46Listen to their body.
00:37:47Their body's going to tell you.
00:37:49I took like one class on sign language at community college.
00:37:53You're not going to need sign language.
00:37:55Let your fucking hands do the talking.
00:37:57You understand?
00:37:57Let your cock do the talking.
00:37:59So when I meet this lady, the way I do this, after I set up a nice date.
00:38:06You don't need a date, Clark.
00:38:07I take all my dates to the pet shop.
00:38:11It's a rule I learned early on.
00:38:13Clark, stop going to the pet shop.
00:38:15Take her back to your mom's house.
00:38:16But me and my mom share a rule.
00:38:17Why don't you send your mom to the store?
00:38:20To the pet store?
00:38:22Sure.
00:38:23One time my cousin had this crazy bachelor party.
00:38:26And he had this blow-up doll.
00:38:27And I wasn't invited.
00:38:29But when they left, they forgot the doll.
00:38:31And sometimes, you know, we'll play solitaire together.
00:38:35So you have had a girlfriend?
00:38:38Yeah, but I mean, she's not really that interested.
00:38:46Hello?
00:38:48Hello?
00:38:50I can hear you breathing, but you're not talking.
00:38:53I can hear you breathing.
00:38:56Answer.
00:38:57Talk.
00:39:02It's like somebody's fucking.
00:39:06Who calls somebody and just breathes heavy on the phone?
00:39:08Guys, this menu's got nothing good.
00:39:11It's piss beer.
00:39:12I'm giving this place one star.
00:39:14There's no triple IPAs, double IPAs, milkshake IPAs, coffee stouts, sours, bottle fermented
00:39:22ales.
00:39:23Nothing.
00:39:23Just piss.
00:39:25I'm not coming back here ever again.
00:39:33One star.
00:39:34It's sin.
00:39:35Let's get the fuck out of here.
00:39:53Hey, Sonny.
00:39:54Yo, what's up, Sal?
00:39:55What's going on, man?
00:39:56How are you, bud?
00:39:57Good.
00:39:57Let me get a beer, okay?
00:39:58Yeah, pal.
00:39:59You got it.
00:40:00Feels good, man.
00:40:01Just being in this bar.
00:40:02You're the last corner bar in this neighborhood.
00:40:05You know, we're a dying breed.
00:40:07Yeah, man.
00:40:07No doubt.
00:40:08Hey, catch you later.
00:40:09Boom.
00:40:10Thanks for coming in, Sal.
00:40:11All right.
00:40:12All right, buddy.
00:40:17Hey, what's going on, man?
00:40:18Hey.
00:40:19You guys have a changing station we can use for our daughter?
00:40:21Changing tables?
00:40:22Yeah, we got that.
00:40:23Changing tables, bottles.
00:40:24Really?
00:40:25Hey, get the fuck out.
00:40:27What the hell, man?
00:40:28We hate babies?
00:40:36Hello?
00:40:39Every other word I'm hearing, bud, first you call and tell me to lock the doors and not let anybody
00:40:44else in.
00:40:45Then you call and you're breathing heavy.
00:40:47Now I can't understand every other word I'm hearing.
00:40:49If you got something to say to me, why don't you just come down here?
00:40:53Buddy, if you got something to say to me, just come down here.
00:40:56Fucking jerk off.
00:40:58Fuck.
00:40:59Fuck.
00:40:59My smokes in the bathroom.
00:41:07Hi, Sonny.
00:41:08Hey, Mrs. Keller.
00:41:09How are you?
00:41:09I am fine, but oh, I've had such a rough day at school today.
00:41:12Can you give me a tully nut, please?
00:41:15A tully nut?
00:41:16I gotta be honest, Mrs. Keller.
00:41:17I didn't do too good in bartending school.
00:41:20Sonny, you didn't do too well in my class, either.
00:41:23You're right.
00:41:24How about a vodka?
00:41:25Sure.
00:41:25Sure you got it.
00:41:27Hey, Mrs. Keller.
00:41:28You remember me?
00:41:28And me, Mrs. Keller?
00:41:30Hey, boys.
00:41:31I do remember you.
00:41:32Gave me a run for my money, but I remember you.
00:41:37You remember me, Mrs. Keller?
00:41:38Oh, Frankie, you were my favorite.
00:41:40I do remember you.
00:41:42Shouldn't be saying that, but you were.
00:41:44I don't want to tell anybody.
00:41:45Good.
00:41:46Yeah, good.
00:41:47Good.
00:41:48So, Mrs. Keller, what do you think about this happy hour slasher?
00:41:51You know, Frankie, I haven't thought too much about it, but...
00:41:54It would just kill me if it was one of the boys that I taught.
00:41:58I just...
00:41:59Oh, goodness.
00:42:00That would...
00:42:00That would just kill me.
00:42:03I...
00:42:03I really have to get going.
00:42:04My girlfriends are waiting for me, so...
00:42:07See you guys later.
00:42:08It was great seeing all of you.
00:42:10Promise.
00:42:11While save Mrs. Keller.
00:42:13Will you drive safe, Mrs. Keller?
00:42:14Thanks.
00:42:27Hey, Sonny.
00:42:28Yo, what's up, Goody?
00:42:29How you doing?
00:42:30I'm good, bud.
00:42:30How are you?
00:42:31Good, good.
00:42:31Hey, listen here.
00:42:32Do you have any Blackberry brandy, man?
00:42:34That's the shit.
00:42:35Nah, man.
00:42:35The mayor came in earlier, almost drank the whole bottle, took the rest of it with him.
00:42:40Motherfucker.
00:42:40Well, I know where he lives.
00:42:42That son of a bitch.
00:42:43Sonny, I'll see you, buddy.
00:42:44All right, buddy.
00:42:44I'll see you.
00:42:45Take care.
00:42:45All right.
00:42:45Thanks for coming in.
00:42:47You got it, buddy.
00:42:51Can you believe this shit?
00:42:53I'm the motherfucking man of slasher goddamn city.
00:42:59Me.
00:43:00I know.
00:43:01I'm moving to motherfucking Vermont.
00:43:03Teaching my black ass how to ski.
00:43:06Swim.
00:43:08Hockey.
00:43:09Every goddamn thing a motherfucker.
00:43:15What's up, Sonny?
00:43:17What's up, fuckers?
00:43:18How yous been?
00:43:19Great.
00:43:19Not too bad.
00:43:20What can I get you?
00:43:21Give us two beers.
00:43:22Two beers.
00:43:23Coming right up.
00:43:24How's business, dude?
00:43:25You know, business has been okay.
00:43:28It's slowly coming back.
00:43:29As they say, slowly but surely, right?
00:43:33But yeah, we'll see.
00:43:34We'll see.
00:43:35Well, you always have us.
00:43:38You know what, Kev?
00:43:38I appreciate that.
00:43:40It means a lot.
00:43:40These beers are in the house.
00:43:42All right.
00:43:42You got it.
00:43:43Let me know if you have anything else.
00:43:44All right.
00:43:44All right, guys.
00:43:48Where the fuck are you going?
00:43:50I'm going to get fucking ice.
00:43:51I need to chill the fuck out.
00:43:53That's my broom.
00:43:54I'm taking it.
00:43:55You gave me that.
00:44:02What?
00:44:04Where the fuck is this motherfucking elevator?
00:44:07Hey!
00:44:09Goddamn!
00:44:10Joe Holden live.
00:44:12Channel 13 spot on news.
00:44:13We're here live at the Habertown Town Hall.
00:44:17We're concerned citizens are learning about the happy hour slasher.
00:44:21Here's a couple right now.
00:44:23Care to comment on the happy hour slasher?
00:44:25I mean, do we care?
00:44:27No.
00:44:28I mean, whatever.
00:44:29We're not hipsters.
00:44:30Are we centerfolds?
00:44:31No.
00:44:33You're not coming for us.
00:44:34I beg to differ, I think, too.
00:44:35You both can.
00:44:36I don't see a ring on that finger.
00:44:39Joe, stop.
00:44:41Everyone knows Joe Holden.
00:44:43And just so you know, Joe is single.
00:44:45Him and Connie broke up last week.
00:44:48So I'm going to get her number.
00:44:50We're going to send it back to you, Connie.
00:44:54Hey, what's up, sonny?
00:44:55Mr. White.
00:44:56How are you, sir?
00:44:57Hey, did starter pop in yet?
00:44:58Not yet.
00:44:59All right.
00:44:59Give me a beer.
00:45:00I'll wait for a minute on the porch.
00:45:02You got it, sir.
00:45:07There you go, pal.
00:45:08Thank you, buddy.
00:45:08Thanks for coming in.
00:45:20Hey, sonny.
00:45:21How are you?
00:45:22Good.
00:45:23Good.
00:45:24Did you watch the Sixers game last night?
00:45:26Oh, fuck the Sixers.
00:45:27Don't get them started, sonny.
00:45:32Yo, we need two beers down here.
00:45:34Two beers?
00:45:36Yeah, hold on.
00:45:37Hey, Nicky.
00:45:39Do me a favor.
00:45:40Bring me out two of our special beers for two good customers.
00:45:45Be right out.
00:45:52You got a little, Briss.
00:45:56This tastes like piss.
00:45:57That's because it is, son.
00:45:58Come back when user 21.
00:46:00Ha, ha, ha.
00:46:01Crack kills and crack actually kills.
00:46:04Learn a trade.
00:46:06Got him.
00:46:07Sonny, if you need me, I'll be fixing this shit.
00:46:10Peace.
00:46:11He drinks way too much while he's working.
00:46:16You know, tonight's my night.
00:46:19You know, I can feel it.
00:46:21You've given me the extra confidence I need to just, you know, get what I want.
00:46:25You know?
00:46:26Everything changes tonight.
00:46:27Good.
00:46:31It's her.
00:46:34Hello?
00:46:35Hey, I'm here at the bar.
00:46:36I know, I mean, you must have hit traffic or something, right?
00:46:40Oh, hey.
00:46:43No, it's...
00:46:45Okay.
00:46:47No, it's fine.
00:46:47We can reschedule.
00:46:48I mean, I have go-kart tournament on Saturday, but maybe after?
00:46:54Grab...
00:46:55Sunday?
00:46:56No, okay.
00:46:58Yeah, The Wire is a good show.
00:47:01Okay.
00:47:03I understand.
00:47:05Thanks.
00:47:09What'd she say, Clark?
00:47:12She didn't say anything.
00:47:14That was her mom.
00:47:16She's canceling.
00:47:18She didn't want to call me from her number because then I would have her number.
00:47:23Did her mom sound hot?
00:47:25What's wrong with you?
00:47:26Clark, you gotta get it where you can.
00:47:28She's not coming.
00:47:30Neither am I.
00:47:32Listen.
00:47:34Don't worry about it.
00:47:35Alright?
00:47:37You don't need to take girls out and wine and dine them
00:47:40and spend all your money just to hopefully get a kiss goodnight.
00:47:44Right?
00:47:45What you need to do is get your dick wet.
00:47:48To get into some poon.
00:47:49You understand what I'm saying?
00:47:51Huh?
00:47:53What you're gonna do is you're gonna get rid of that non-alcoholic shit.
00:47:58You're gonna have some of my bourbon.
00:48:01Alright?
00:48:02We're gonna see where the night takes us.
00:48:05And then we'll think about getting you laid.
00:48:10Alright?
00:48:11Alright.
00:48:12Bottoms up.
00:48:19It tastes like Harley Davidson's bald sack.
00:48:29Can I just lay temple?
00:48:30Aren't you a little too young to be in this bar?
00:48:32Aren't you a little old to have the hair cut?
00:48:35Stella, don't even call me the babies.
00:48:37It's fine, mom.
00:48:39It's sunny.
00:48:41What's up, Kel?
00:48:42Did you see me on TV this morning?
00:48:44I did.
00:48:44I looked so good.
00:48:45You were awesome.
00:48:46I feel like a celeb.
00:48:48I think I'm like famous around here now.
00:48:49I know.
00:48:50I couldn't believe it.
00:48:50And your eyes and the outfit were popping.
00:48:52Oh my god, it looks so good.
00:48:53The blue and the blue.
00:48:54I know.
00:48:54I feel like people are gonna like ask for my autograph.
00:48:56I know.
00:48:56Like, I feel like people are gonna be like,
00:48:57there's a girl that was on the news this morning.
00:48:59And the dude who interviewed me,
00:49:00like everybody knows who he is.
00:49:01Joel.
00:49:02Yeah.
00:49:03Like everyone's gonna know who I am.
00:49:04What can I get you?
00:49:05Double vlog had to go.
00:49:06You got it.
00:49:09I feel like I should like take acting classes or something.
00:49:12You know what I mean?
00:49:12Like I think I'd be really good at it.
00:49:13I've been thinking about it for a while.
00:49:15I just kind of wish I had like something different on.
00:49:17For like the camera for like my first time.
00:49:19Like lights and everything.
00:49:20I just like wish I would have like a dress.
00:49:22Like how could I have known that I was gonna be famous this morning?
00:49:24You know what I mean?
00:49:25Like.
00:49:28Maybe it would be like Real Housewives of Havertown.
00:49:30I love it.
00:49:31Let's do it.
00:49:33What am I to have for?
00:49:34Sure, Calvin.
00:49:38Nobody ever fucking haze around here.
00:49:50What?
00:49:51Hey, uh, Lieutenant.
00:49:53You over at Sonny's?
00:49:54You know I am.
00:49:55And you know you're not supposed to bother me during the McGibney Martini Happy Hour.
00:50:00Yeah, I know, I know, Lieutenant.
00:50:01But, uh, we're a few blocks away here.
00:50:04We got another one of these, uh, good-looking, uh, hipster fellas here.
00:50:09Nicely dressed, uh, drowned in beer.
00:50:12Looks like the, uh, funnel-type thing.
00:50:14And then he got strangled with funnel.
00:50:16Stop.
00:50:16Stop saying funnel.
00:50:18It's called a beer bong.
00:50:20A beer bong?
00:50:21What do you mean?
00:50:21I don't understand.
00:50:22You see, Shani, back in the olden days,
00:50:25beer didn't have all the flavor that it has now.
00:50:27Okay?
00:50:29It was bitter and harsh.
00:50:31Like your life.
00:50:33So the goal is to drink as fast as you can
00:50:35and get as drunk as you can.
00:50:37I don't get it, Lieutenant.
00:50:39A beer bong, I mean,
00:50:41I think it looks like something I could change my oil with.
00:50:43You know what I mean?
00:50:44Something my wife might enjoy.
00:50:45The hose on this thing is gargantuous.
00:50:47You know what I mean?
00:50:48Like a real big one.
00:50:50Guy's not dressed too bad either.
00:50:52Nice shirt.
00:50:52You know what I mean?
00:50:53Got some boots.
00:50:55You know?
00:50:56Alright, this conversation's giving me high blood pressure.
00:50:59I'll be right there.
00:51:00I'll be right there.
00:51:01Sonny, I gotta go.
00:51:03They found another happy hour body.
00:51:05A couple blocks away.
00:51:06A hipster drowned with a beer bong.
00:51:09Do you want to see pictures?
00:51:12Still good.
00:51:12I 100% do.
00:51:15Nice.
00:51:16Beer bongs?
00:51:17They were amazing.
00:51:19I once had a foursome.
00:51:20Me?
00:51:21Two chicks in a beer bong.
00:51:24What a night that was.
00:51:26Wow.
00:51:27Fuck Jar Jar Binks.
00:51:28You're my new hero.
00:51:30God, I hate hipsters.
00:51:33Alright, I'm outta here.
00:51:36I think everybody should go home and be safe.
00:51:41Okay, Ossifer.
00:51:42I think we'll be safe here with Mary.
00:51:45I'll stick a key in that motherfucker's eye.
00:51:50New bar.
00:51:51New bar.
00:51:53Find me a new bar!
00:51:54Bye officer.
00:52:00You wanna know what my daughter asked me the other day?
00:52:03What?
00:52:05If I wanted a fuckin' son or a daughter.
00:52:08I said I wanted a fuckin' backroom.
00:52:13Backroom.
00:52:15Backroom.
00:52:16Backroom.
00:52:16Backroom.
00:52:16I'd get a frickin' backroom.
00:52:18Especially the one with a happy ending.
00:52:24Yeah, you guys ever think about, like, when the sun sets here, like, it might be rising
00:52:30above China, and then they're, like, seeing that sunset then?
00:52:34You ever think about that, Nick?
00:52:36No, Jimmy.
00:52:37Fuck it.
00:52:38What if when we die, it's just this black fuckin' nothingness.
00:52:45Just fuckin' black.
00:52:50I know one thing.
00:52:51We're all high as fuck.
00:52:53And those edibles, they were awesome.
00:52:56You know, I think about, I think about, if we're lucky to live to be a hundred years old,
00:53:03it's just a small blip compared to how long the world's been here before us.
00:53:07And it's gonna be here after us.
00:53:08And if it does go to black, like you say, I know that every day, I'm gonna fuck the best
00:53:13I can.
00:53:14I'm gonna love the best I can.
00:53:16I'm gonna eat the best I can.
00:53:18Everything the best I can.
00:53:22Cuz I'm the best around, and nothing ever, ever is gonna get me down.
00:53:27That's fucking sad, man. That's fucking sad.
00:53:30Yeah.
00:53:30You know what I mean?
00:53:32Yeah.
00:53:32Like seriously.
00:53:34Because, hmm.
00:53:37Cuz at the end of the day, when I'm gone, the sun's still gonna come up every morning.
00:53:43Still gonna set every night.
00:53:46Every night.
00:53:49If I can leave a good name behind, that's all that matters.
00:54:02I also know that it's only six o'clock, and we got four more hours till we close.
00:54:09So, Mary, give a check on that team.
00:54:12Fuck that team.
00:54:13Alright.
00:54:13Fuck that team.
00:54:18Oh, god.
00:54:19I gotta sit down.
00:54:20I gotta sit down.
00:54:21Oh.
00:54:23What do you put in those martinis?
00:54:26Oh, I probably shouldn't drive to an active crime scene.
00:54:31Oh.
00:54:34Drunken Sophie.
00:54:40That sucks.
00:54:46Hey, Sonny, turn around.
00:54:48What, Mayor?
00:54:49Sonny, turn around.
00:54:50I'm busy, Mayor.
00:54:52Turn the fuck around.
00:54:53What, Mayor?
00:54:54Told you so.
00:54:56Michelle, this is Sonny.
00:54:58Sonny and Michelle.
00:54:59Hi, Sonny.
00:55:03Nice to meet you.
00:55:07You're almost as good looking as Mary's as you think you are.
00:55:12Yeah, Sonny, come here.
00:55:14Mother fucker.
00:55:15Sorry.
00:55:15Sonny, come here.
00:55:17Come here.
00:55:19What?
00:55:19That's a joke, right?
00:55:21Michael Jackson, right?
00:55:22What does he like to eat for lunch?
00:55:24What do you mean?
00:55:25Uh, nothing.
00:55:26He's dead.
00:55:26You're so screwed up.
00:55:28He's dead.
00:55:33He's dead.
00:55:35Breaking news.
00:55:36The happy hour slasher has attacked again.
00:55:38Bringing our total of 23 victims.
00:55:40More to live.
00:55:42I need another cigarette.
00:55:44I'm tired of all these fucking slasher toys.
00:55:46You ask me?
00:55:46You guys are the same.
00:55:51Sonny, what?
00:55:52Are you free tonight?
00:55:53I think our boy Frankie's gonna be like pussy fucking kryptonite.
00:55:57I think I'm gonna be a little busy now.
00:56:00What the hell?
00:56:00The lady with the glasses down there?
00:56:03No, you jerk off the hot blonde in the corner.
00:56:06What's the matter with you?
00:56:08Yo, I'm free, Don.
00:56:10Jimmy, please.
00:56:11The last time we went on a double date, you took both the girls home.
00:56:14Fuck yeah, I did, man.
00:56:15You passed out to 13 Jaeger bombs.
00:56:17Well, when you're right, you're right.
00:56:28Yo!
00:56:29What's going on, man?
00:56:29It's Frankie.
00:56:30Frankie!
00:56:31Yeah, you're looking good, Glocky.
00:56:33Hey.
00:56:34Yeah.
00:56:35Hey, Sonny.
00:56:36Let's get these guys a shot, alright?
00:56:42Oh my God.
00:56:44I'm aroused.
00:56:48Here's my number, Sonny.
00:56:50Maybe I'll call.
00:56:52Maybe I'll answer.
00:56:54See you later, Michelle.
00:56:55Bye.
00:56:59Hello?
00:57:02Son of a bitch!
00:57:03Who the fuck is this?
00:57:07Who the fuck is this?
00:57:13Stop fucking calling here.
00:57:19Fourth phone call today.
00:57:20Heavy breathing.
00:57:21Mumbly words.
00:57:22The first call, when you first came in, remember, it said,
00:57:24lock the doors, don't let anybody else in.
00:57:26Right?
00:57:26What the fuck was that?
00:57:27Ex-girlfriend?
00:57:28I don't know.
00:57:29Maybe.
00:57:29Who the fuck calls and says, don't let anybody else in?
00:57:32That's weird, right?
00:57:34I mean, they didn't say there was a bomb or anything.
00:57:36But I mean, that's just weird.
00:57:37What do you think?
00:57:40Nah.
00:57:40Nah.
00:57:50Good evening, folks.
00:57:51Mayor Booker's office reported him missing three hours ago.
00:57:54Well, folks, he's been found in an elevator.
00:57:57Firefighters are fighting to get him out.
00:58:03All right, buddy.
00:58:04Shit is fixed.
00:58:07Nothing?
00:58:09All right, assholes.
00:58:10I'm on to the next one.
00:58:11Exit.
00:58:12Stay to the left.
00:58:13Stay, Nicky.
00:58:14I knew you loved me.
00:58:21Listen, Sonny, I'm getting a bad pace to go fuck this place.
00:58:25I gotta go home.
00:58:26All right, Mayor.
00:58:27I'll see you tomorrow.
00:58:27Come on, Mayor.
00:58:28We can't live without you.
00:58:30I'm fucking fine.
00:58:32Love you too, Mayor.
00:58:33Grab the smoke.
00:58:35All right.
00:58:43Tonight, I have some sad news.
00:58:45Our well-beloved anchor, Joe Holden, has been found dead in his news van, choked by his
00:58:50own microphone.
00:58:51There is a suspect in custody, our very own Connie Winters.
00:59:00Hey, hey.
00:59:01Gorgeous.
00:59:02How you doing?
00:59:08What's going on?
00:59:09It's all right, though.
00:59:10You're breathing, ain't you?
00:59:12Whatever.
00:59:12I'm getting out of here.
00:59:13Can I come with you?
00:59:15No, Jimmy.
00:59:15The girl's canceled.
00:59:17Hey, Tom.
00:59:18Yo.
00:59:18Do me a favor.
00:59:19Go down to my old office, the one that got flooded.
00:59:21There's a brown box that's in the corner.
00:59:23It's a 25-year-old bottle of bourbon.
00:59:25Bring it up.
00:59:26Gotcha.
00:59:27Thanks, Tom.
00:59:28You got it.
00:59:34Boom.
00:59:37What the fuck?
00:59:39It's fucking Salt 10 or something?
00:59:43You're freaking me.
00:59:46Hello?
00:59:47Can you do me a favor?
00:59:49Can I get the bourbon?
00:59:51Sonny, you know me my whole fucking life.
00:59:53Can you tell him I'm trying to get fucking laid?
00:59:56He's got a fucking hellhole.
00:59:58Come on.
00:59:59I'm on the left now.
01:00:03What the fuck's saying?
01:00:05This better be good fucking bourbon.
01:00:14This is some bullshit.
01:00:21It smells like shit in here.
01:00:24Tommy, did your fucking hearing that explode?
01:00:28Who the fuck are you?
01:00:30A little fucking sweater around your neck?
01:00:33The fucking guys are dead.
01:00:35The fucking guys are dead.
01:00:36The fucking guys are dead.
01:00:38Fuck.
01:00:39Come the fuck where?
01:00:40Is that a fucking bee in your eye?
01:00:42You said you were going to put the bee in the guy's fucking eye.
01:00:45Sonny!
01:00:46Are you guys fucking with me?
01:00:50Sonny!
01:00:52I'm choking.
01:00:54CPR.
01:00:57Karma.
01:01:01I gotta take a piss.
01:01:03Wait, wait, wait.
01:01:04Can I ask you?
01:01:05When you pee, do you pull your pants all the way down to your feet too?
01:01:10I'd invite you in, Clark.
01:01:11This is a one-man job.
01:01:26I'd invite you in, but it's a one-man job.
01:01:31So cool.
01:01:43Clarky, you're not a hopeless case after all.
01:02:01That was different.
01:02:12I'm sorry.
01:02:13You look, you look from, I remember you from high school.
01:02:16You, uh, how do you know Sonny?
01:02:19You know me, Duncan.
01:02:20Sonny's my cousin.
01:02:21I'm cousin Jimmy.
01:02:23Where'd you guys meet?
01:02:26Sonny.
01:02:32That's Sonny.
01:02:35Jen Rulo?
01:02:36Holy shit.
01:02:38Awesome to see you.
01:02:39We were just talking about you, Clarky.
01:02:43Fucking Jen Rulo, dude.
01:02:44Jen!
01:02:45Did you lose a hundred pounds?
01:02:48On the nose.
01:02:49Oh my goodness.
01:02:53Hey, we have some unfinished business.
01:02:55I think we do.
01:02:56Come on, my lady.
01:02:57I think we do have some unfinished business.
01:02:59I have a chariot!
01:03:00Oh my goodness.
01:03:04You know Sonny, you notice Frankie's been weird all day?
01:03:07Like, really strange, dude.
01:03:08In and out of the bathroom, like, I don't know what's going on with that guy.
01:03:10It's weird.
01:03:12He's been like...
01:03:19You know his safe word?
01:03:21Butter milk pancakes!
01:03:23I guess he changed it.
01:03:27No, Sonny.
01:03:29It was a safe word.
01:03:34I'm the slasher.
01:03:35You know what now?
01:03:40I'm the slasher, okay?
01:03:44And I did this for you.
01:03:46I did this for the bar!
01:03:53This is a fucking sausage fest.
01:03:56Let's get the fuck out of here.
01:03:58Fuck this.
01:03:58Does that guy got a fucking gun?
01:03:59Does that guy got a fucking gun?
01:04:01What the fuck?
01:04:05Who the fuck were they?
01:04:06You know, as I was saying, when the bar starts struggling because of fucking COVID, I was
01:04:14pissed.
01:04:15And then I got scared when all these other bars started opening up.
01:04:19Because this is my favorite bar, Sonny.
01:04:21I'm not going to let anything bad happen to it.
01:04:23I mean, Mary practically fucking lives here.
01:04:25So, we can't take away at home.
01:04:26Not a fucking one-star review?
01:04:29No.
01:04:30No, not by some fucking hipster.
01:04:33Fuck!
01:04:35These fucking jerk-offs.
01:04:37They start doing their fucking happy hours.
01:04:40Or the Zoom happy hours.
01:04:41What the fuck is a Zoom happy hour?
01:04:43You know what I'm saying?
01:04:44It's just fucking...
01:04:45I snapped!
01:04:46You wanna hang up on me?
01:04:54You wanna hang up on me?
01:04:56You wanna hang up on me?
01:04:58Well, here I am.
01:05:00Who the fuck are you?
01:05:02Who the fuck am I?
01:05:03I'm the guy that called here ten times today.
01:05:05I'm the guy that you hung up on ten times today.
01:05:08What the fuck's wrong with you?
01:05:09You were mumbling?
01:05:10You were breathing heavy?
01:05:11Yes, I have a weight problem.
01:05:13I breathe heavy.
01:05:13I couldn't understand you.
01:05:14Well, I live in my mom's basement.
01:05:17It's not important.
01:05:18Plus, it's hard in there.
01:05:19It's hard to hear.
01:05:21It's a bad spot.
01:05:22I don't like to go upstairs today
01:05:24because it's a bridge club
01:05:25and they drink pretty heavy.
01:05:28But it's not the point.
01:05:29The point is, I have a dream.
01:05:31And a passion.
01:05:33And I'm here to tell you about it.
01:05:34I love wine and sandwiches.
01:05:37I'm kind of an expert on both,
01:05:39as you can both probably tell.
01:05:40You gotta get out of here, man.
01:05:42No, no, no.
01:05:42I'm not getting out of here.
01:05:43I'm not getting out of here until you tell you my idea.
01:05:46Okay?
01:05:47I love this place.
01:05:48This place you call a bar.
01:05:49I want to turn this into.
01:05:51Get this, alright?
01:05:52You ready?
01:05:52A wine and sandwich shop.
01:05:56Okay?
01:05:56We'll call it Wine Witch.
01:05:59Right?
01:05:59We specialize in lunch meat curate in red wine.
01:06:04What do you guys think?
01:06:06Wait, wait, wait.
01:06:07Before you tell me you want to be partners,
01:06:09let me tell you my idea.
01:06:11Now, my mother, she said to give me $200 a month if I continue her nightly massages.
01:06:17Nothing weird.
01:06:18We just, I massage her, you know, nightly.
01:06:21And I'm pretty much an expert on that, too.
01:06:24Second, I have a friendship bracelet side hustle that do pretty good, $50 a month.
01:06:29So that's $250 a month that I can put into this place.
01:06:33And I think it'll really, really work.
01:06:35We just have to skip August because it's a hot month.
01:06:37My mom's a big lady.
01:06:40$450, $500.
01:06:41But she gets a little smelly.
01:06:44I don't want that waffling through the neighborhood.
01:06:45Anyway, it doesn't matter.
01:06:46The point is, who is with me?
01:06:48Huh?
01:06:49Who wants to be partners?
01:06:50Sounds like good business, Frankie.
01:06:54I think this-
01:06:57Oh, shit.
01:06:59You look pretty real, dude.
01:07:00Oh, thank you.
01:07:02Thank you very much.
01:07:05Who the fuck is this guy?
01:07:07Namaste.
01:07:09Is he dead?
01:07:11Is this guy dead?
01:07:13Ah, it's the sandwich guy.
01:07:15Motherfucker.
01:07:16Stay focused.
01:07:18Align your chakras.
01:07:24Quick question.
01:07:25You guys ever jerk off so long you forgot you were jerking off?
01:07:27You.
01:07:28Hey.
01:07:29You dented my Camry.
01:07:31That's what I'm doing here.
01:07:33I was about to question why I was here.
01:07:37I'm smarter than that.
01:07:39I followed you in here.
01:07:41This morning, when you jumped on the hood and popped through the bathroom,
01:07:44I thought you were sneaky.
01:07:46It was several hours later I followed you in here.
01:07:48And then I ran into an EMT.
01:07:50Gave me an edible that sent me somewhere special.
01:07:53Somewhere where little boys become princes.
01:07:59Nick came in there, fixed the toilet.
01:08:01It's like a beautiful water feature.
01:08:02I gotta tell you, you owe me $675 for that hood.
01:08:06Alright?
01:08:06Second thing.
01:08:08I want you guys to work this out, alright?
01:08:10This fighting with Jimmy and...
01:08:15Jimmy's dead too.
01:08:17What the fuck's going on in this family?
01:08:20Family matters, guys.
01:08:21Okay?
01:08:23You guys gotta work this out.
01:08:25You're a twisted little fucker, aren't ya?
01:08:27You know what?
01:08:30I like that we have eye contact right now.
01:08:32Makes me horny.
01:08:36I'm gonna go jerk off.
01:08:41Tantric style.
01:08:49So like you were saying.
01:08:51Jesus Christ.
01:08:52Enough of the fucking talking!
01:08:54Jeez!
01:08:55You know, I've realized a few things here today, Sonny.
01:08:58One of them being that no one fucking listens to me!
01:09:02No one actually gives a shit!
01:09:04Okay?
01:09:05Oh, Frank.
01:09:06These guys...
01:09:06By the way.
01:09:07These guys are great actors.
01:09:09You can let Dom come out.
01:09:10Anytime.
01:09:10Dom is fucking daddy choking us on nuts.
01:09:13Okay?
01:09:14Oh, did he?
01:09:15Two being...
01:09:16I don't fucking need any of you!
01:09:19None of you!
01:09:20I am taking over this bar, okay?
01:09:22Because you've done a fucking shit job of running it.
01:09:25And I...
01:09:27I can...
01:09:28I can protect this place.
01:09:29I can make this place something fucking beautiful!
01:09:32Okay?
01:09:34So Sonny...
01:09:34It's time for you to call out the fuck out!
01:09:37You gonna shoot me now?
01:09:39Yeah.
01:09:40Okay.
01:09:41Go ahead, shoot me, Frank.
01:09:42Where are you gonna shoot me?
01:09:43You gonna shoot me in the dick?
01:09:45Not in the fucking dick.
01:09:46It's a small target.
01:09:53Good shot, babe.
01:09:56Hey, Sonny.
01:09:57Clarky!
01:09:58Thanks for the umbrella.
01:10:01Seriously?
01:10:04Come on, babe.
01:10:05Let's go.
01:10:07Round two!
01:10:08Woo!
01:10:13What the fuck happened here?
01:10:15I don't fucking know!
01:10:17I fucking quit.
01:10:19That's my bucket!
01:10:24Jimmy!
01:10:25Jimmy!
01:10:26Jimmy, you alive?
01:10:27I'm coming, Jimmy!
01:10:58I will go to the front room!
01:10:58I have no idea.
01:11:07Dude, you said buttermilk pancakes.
01:11:09What happened?
01:11:10Dude, I don't know.
01:11:11But I think it could be a movie.
01:11:33Dude, you said buttermilk pancakes.
01:11:38Dude, you said buttermilk pancakes.
01:12:23You said buttermilk pancakes.
01:12:36You
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