- 5 weeks ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:44Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:11Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:31Transcription by CastingWords
00:01:32destroyed why too generous no no no my lord it's only at this level if the
00:01:38campaign is successful which it will be my lord no need to lube of my machinery
00:01:52as I was saying with your support and these perks they're on the left sir
00:01:58these perks we shall have a fully operational weapon of planetary
00:02:03destruction but it can only happen with your support and enthusiasm excuse me
00:02:09Dark Lord of the Sith but our voluntary support and enthusiasm on a mass scale
00:02:15have never been your strong suit have they I mean are you going to throttle each
00:02:21person personally who's watching this video yes carry on
00:02:38Lord Vader excuse me again you're doing a fantastic job well don't tell me while
00:02:43I'm recording it I know I'm doing a good job I'm the fucking architect of this plan
00:02:48yes my lord the the problem is if you ensure the destruction of the donators
00:02:53homeworld won't you be de-incentivizing the very crowd you wish to engage
00:02:58what well if the campaign is successful there won't be a crowd to engage I'm
00:03:04certain I don't see a problem with my crowdsourcing plan for a new Death Star
00:03:09it's just that look sir at the 20 credit level you promised the holographic video
00:03:14updates to the backers of the Death Star
00:03:16you mean we have to give them all the perks from the 20 credit underling level
00:03:21on down yes that's how the crowdfunding perks work sir they get everything you
00:03:27promised up to the level they donated which means that there won't be anyone
00:03:31to get the custom additional content holographic video updates if you've
00:03:35blown their planet into space dust at the 10 credit level I certainly hope
00:03:39Tatooine donates that's not the point my lord I don't like Tatooine
00:03:43where's that buckthorn bark tea you promised me I shall have it for you in a
00:03:47parsec it's good for my colon I've often wondered how you managed it in the
00:03:57outfit it's a sealed system admiral so you mean this whole time you've been
00:04:16the point is lord vader for your crowdsourcing campaign the upper level perks we worked so
00:04:21hard on would be useless sir well admiral I do see your point terrific there will be less admin if
00:04:29they
00:04:29do don't that's true sir and you wouldn't have to do the video updates
00:04:36most impressive true but perhaps maybe I'm just floating an idea here maybe you
00:04:44could not tell them that you'll blow up their planet until they donate and then
00:04:51blow the planet up after we've built the new Death Star not tell them yes it's not
00:05:00very honest well I didn't think that would be a sticking point for you tread
00:05:04lightly admiral nod the integrity of a dark lord of the sith is unassailable as it
00:05:10should be lord vader if I may your sithiness um the bigger picture here is
00:05:17getting the bloody money obviously I can't get anyone legitimate to finance
00:05:22another Death Star since the first one was blown up by my own son's one simple
00:05:27torpedo it's not an easy sell well that's all well and good sir but I wasn't all
00:05:33that good he blew the thing up but I'm just trying to avoid any sort of you know
00:05:39negative connotation around this latest Death Star while we're trying to raise
00:05:44money you do understand Lord Vader negative connotation is what we do
00:05:49Admiral we're an empire not an interstellar rotary club if you want to
00:05:54save some kid with tufts of hair falling out of his head that's me don't make me
00:06:00take this helmet off we're not building a stupid app we're building a beautiful
00:06:04Darth Star for Pete's sake excuse me Lord Vader you just said Darth Star instead of Death Star
00:06:15hardly Freudian at all you've written Darth Star all through there
00:06:23Darth Star Darth Star Darth Star Darth Star Darth Star
00:06:35ühre
00:06:36Oh
00:06:36Kon voiced
00:06:36shit
00:06:37whoa
00:06:42yoga
00:06:43tito
00:06:49Lord Vader I know that we are
00:06:52considerably short of your goal of a 130 quadrillion credits to build
00:06:57the new death star
00:06:58I understand all too well admiral
00:07:02I understand you're as annoying as that step-and-fetch-it rabbit
00:07:06that nearly destroyed everything during the Clone Wars.
00:07:08Sir, if I may, I think you might be projecting just a bit onto me your frustration.
00:07:13What do you mean?
00:07:15I mean, comparing me to Jar Jar Biggs, that's sort of a low blow.
00:07:19I mean, he's all sort of prat-folly and stupid.
00:07:23Well, I have good diction.
00:07:25I mean, Mr. Horny, Mr. Master, that's not me.
00:07:29I mean, after all, we've been through, sir.
00:07:31Where's that tea you promised a parsec to go?
00:07:34A parsec is actually a measure of distance, not time.
00:07:37Hardly important when you don't have tea.
00:07:42Quite right, my lord.
00:07:44Your buckthornbark tea.
00:07:47For your closed system.
00:08:18Lord Vader, I know you're disappointed by the lack of uptake on the crowdsourcing campaign for the new Death Star.
00:08:24Yes, Admiral, what's the latest report?
00:08:27Well, we are still holding at the six...
00:08:32credits, my lord.
00:08:34And how long have we waged this campaign?
00:08:37Over a month.
00:08:39And maybe the whole ten credits get your planet destroyed may have put a bit of a damper on the
00:08:45contributions
00:08:46and sort of kept us at that sort of six-ish level.
00:08:49Who would do that?
00:08:51Six credits doesn't even give you one of the perks.
00:08:54Well, the donations were from one Boba Fett who wished to remain anonymous.
00:09:00Everyone knows he's Boba Fett.
00:09:02What's the point of a mask when everyone knows it's him?
00:09:06Anonymous bullshit.
00:09:07Yes.
00:09:08What?
00:09:08Nothing.
00:09:09Nothing, my lord.
00:09:11Hmm.
00:09:22Okay, this is probably going to end up looking like one of those paranormal activity videos.
00:09:26But I want to be able to capture the moment without her seeing the cameras.
00:09:30Now, Kim's going to be home any minute now.
00:09:33And I'll set up the Ouija board.
00:09:36I don't believe in those things at all.
00:09:38I just kind of, you know, move it around because it makes her happy.
00:09:42Anyway, I'm going to ask the board an important question about us.
00:09:45And then, bam!
00:09:47Oh, oh, she's here.
00:09:48She's home.
00:09:49She's home from work.
00:09:50She's home from work.
00:09:51I'm going to go out back.
00:09:51And then I'm going to come in the front door like I've never been here before.
00:09:53I mean, today.
00:10:01Oh my god.
00:10:02Okay, you were right.
00:10:04Scott's going to propose today.
00:10:05I found the ring this morning and then today he called me at my work and he's got this
00:10:08weird elaborate plan with the Ouija board.
00:10:10I don't know.
00:10:11I guess he's going to use that to propose.
00:10:13And yes, I am well aware that it's Scott pushing it around the Ouija board.
00:10:16But come on, I actually just play along because it makes him happy.
00:10:22Oh my god.
00:10:22Okay, he's here.
00:10:23Gotta go.
00:10:23Bye, bye, bye.
00:10:26I'm home.
00:10:29Hi, honey.
00:10:31Hi.
00:10:32How are you doing?
00:10:33Ah, well, let's get some vino.
00:10:50Cheers.
00:10:50Cheers, my love.
00:10:54Okay.
00:10:56Is there anyone here?
00:11:01Is there anything you want to tell us?
00:11:07Oh, very responsive.
00:11:09S.
00:11:11C.
00:11:12Oh.
00:11:14Well, Scott.
00:11:33Scott wants to kill you.
00:11:37You want to kill me?
00:11:39No.
00:11:40You want to kill me?
00:11:43Yes!
00:11:45Why can't you just say it?
00:11:46Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:11:49Wait.
00:11:50You want to kill me?
00:11:52No.
00:11:53Yes!
00:11:54No!
00:11:55Will you stop messing with this?
00:11:57This is coming from the heart.
00:11:58Okay, hold on.
00:12:00Let's all just calm down.
00:12:02Okay.
00:12:02Okay, sorry.
00:12:02Now, oh, mystical creature in the room, um, okay, what is it that Scott really wants to
00:12:12say to me right now?
00:12:14Okay.
00:12:15Now, here we go.
00:12:18Oh, here we go.
00:12:19Scott.
00:12:20I'm going to assume it's Scott because it knows your name already.
00:12:23Okay.
00:12:24It does, Scott.
00:12:25Want.
00:12:26Once again.
00:12:29You to be headed.
00:12:40That's not even a complete sentence.
00:12:42What?
00:12:43I am not moving this.
00:12:45Baby.
00:12:45What?
00:12:46Is this why you sleep with knives?
00:12:48No.
00:12:51Yes!
00:12:53No!
00:12:55Okay, what?
00:12:59No.
00:13:03Are you telling me the truth?
00:13:05Yes.
00:13:08Really?
00:13:09Now you're quiet.
00:13:11You think you're so smart.
00:13:13Okay, whoa.
00:13:14Why are you talking to me this way?
00:13:15I am only reading the words that you're spelling out.
00:13:18No, no, no.
00:13:18Okay, fine.
00:13:19Let's do this back in the middle.
00:13:20Okay.
00:13:21Kim?
00:13:22Scott?
00:13:23Yeah.
00:13:23I have something that I want to ask you.
00:13:26You do, Scott?
00:13:27Yeah.
00:13:27What is it?
00:13:30Will
00:13:32you
00:13:35M
00:13:36A
00:13:37R
00:13:45Martyr yourself on the cross of Satan?
00:13:47No, I don't know.
00:13:48No, that's it.
00:13:49No.
00:13:49That wasn't...
00:13:50I gotta go pee.
00:13:51And I'm taking my candles with me and my...
00:13:55But I don't know how to spell martyr.
00:13:59He...
00:14:01...
00:14:03I don't know.
00:14:17I don't know how to marry her.
00:14:24I don't know.
00:14:26He...
00:14:27in your case I swear I'm not faking it
00:14:40California knows how to party
00:14:45oh super
00:15:00now they said to use a secret not secret not
00:15:04what's the secret not why is it one two and three or do you want to do that
00:15:19okay who are you talking to
00:15:21quiet in here clearly they want privacy
00:15:28cuz it is dark
00:15:32yeah is that you
00:15:36no that's you that's you
00:15:38oh that's you that's you
00:15:43so how does this come into play at the party
00:15:46I don't know how the swing comes into play to be honest but you know what I do
00:15:49you know I fit on it I know you do that's what the splinter is
00:15:52oh
00:15:54thanks for sucking those splinters out
00:15:56you know you can get poison from splinters
00:15:58I've heard that
00:15:59yeah from me
00:16:00you saved my life
00:16:01yeah couple times
00:16:02okay
00:16:03um
00:16:04honey
00:16:05uh huh
00:16:06I think
00:16:07we may have misunderstood the invitation
00:16:09why
00:16:11uh
00:16:11do you see that
00:16:13oh my god
00:16:14do you see
00:16:17that
00:16:17what
00:16:18what
00:16:19what
00:16:20what
00:16:21oh no don't look
00:16:22I'm not looking I'm looking
00:16:23don't look don't look like a hi
00:16:24hi
00:16:24what
00:16:26oh my
00:16:27hi
00:16:29don't
00:16:31until now
00:16:32whoa
00:16:33uh
00:16:33I haven't seen that in person
00:16:36isn't that page 48 or something
00:16:37oh
00:16:38I think
00:16:40um
00:16:40you know what
00:16:41what
00:16:42one thing does bother me here
00:16:43what
00:16:44downstairs why did they make me pay and you get in for free
00:16:47why is that
00:16:48I mean that seems really sexist
00:16:49I'm sorry what
00:16:51oh
00:16:52oh yeah of course
00:16:53thank you
00:16:53yeah somebody's in here
00:16:55yeah you can
00:16:55here honey let me get that for you
00:16:56thank you
00:16:59my
00:16:59um
00:17:00here you go
00:17:01my bag
00:17:02yeah go
00:17:03oh sure sure
00:17:04thank you
00:17:07mm
00:17:10um
00:17:11okay
00:17:12sure
00:17:14what are you doing
00:17:16what are you
00:17:20there you go
00:17:21ah
00:17:21there you go
00:17:23it's kind of cold in here
00:17:25could cut glass with these things
00:17:27all right
00:17:28you've noticed that about you before
00:17:29no
00:17:33windowsill
00:17:34ah yeah
00:17:35mm-hmm
00:17:36I'm liking that
00:17:38I'm sorry what
00:17:39what
00:17:40um
00:17:41I'm not wearing a bra
00:17:45I'm not
00:17:45you can
00:17:46you can tell by the
00:17:48uh
00:17:48Kim
00:17:49what are you
00:17:50what are you doing
00:17:51winning rum
00:17:52oh it's very roman in here
00:17:54I'm uh
00:17:56it actually is
00:17:57it actually is
00:17:58Parthenon
00:17:58here
00:17:59mm
00:18:02what
00:18:03wow
00:18:04um
00:18:05oh
00:18:06fine
00:18:07yeah
00:18:08I can do that
00:18:09yeah
00:18:10that's fine
00:18:11that's good
00:18:16there you go
00:18:18yeah
00:18:19yeah
00:18:22oh
00:18:23oh the
00:18:23oh
00:18:24oh yeah
00:18:25um
00:18:26I can do that
00:18:26I got that eye
00:18:27excuse me
00:18:29your tube sucks
00:18:31yeah
00:18:33his tube sucks
00:18:35yeah
00:18:36can I uh
00:18:38can I just
00:18:38can I keep
00:18:39just the one
00:18:43okay well now you just look ridiculous
00:18:46sorry
00:18:47sorry
00:18:48we're really
00:18:49sorry
00:18:49you can
00:18:50sorry
00:18:52take that
00:18:53where is she going
00:18:54aren't we supposed to tip the cooktop girl
00:18:55excuse us our clothes
00:18:57where'd she
00:18:58uh
00:18:58we're supposed to tip her right
00:19:00yeah
00:19:00actually I don't know
00:19:01you don't have any
00:19:03yeah
00:19:03where to keep a tip
00:19:05I don't know if you noticed
00:19:05but all I have left is the tip
00:19:09let's just keep walking
00:19:10uh
00:19:12I wanted to say this in the elevator earlier
00:19:14but
00:19:15you look really
00:19:16good
00:19:17tonight
00:19:18oh I can tell that you think I look really good tonight
00:19:21in fact there's a growing number of members here who could probably tell
00:19:25that you think I look really good tonight
00:19:28well
00:19:28yeah
00:19:29thank you by the way
00:19:31oh you're welcome
00:19:31that's quite a compliment
00:19:33yeah
00:19:33yeah
00:19:33hey do you think you have snacks
00:19:35um
00:19:36well those aren't finger foods
00:19:38but there's definitely some delicious snacking going on over there
00:19:42and over there
00:19:46okay
00:19:46what?
00:19:47let's just find reverend smith who invited us to a swinger's party
00:19:52what?
00:19:54okay put that away
00:19:55okay
00:19:58later
00:19:58later
00:19:59okay
00:19:59not really later
00:20:01oh yeah
00:20:02no no seriously let's find reverend smith and just kind of make it graceful like that
00:20:05like give an excuse
00:20:05absolutely whatever you want to do
00:20:07okay
00:20:07why would reverend smith invite us to a swinger's party he can't
00:20:11sorry
00:20:12sorry whoa
00:20:12let me see that and the marshmallow
00:20:15oh
00:20:15squishy
00:20:16oh thank you
00:20:17hi how are you
00:20:18great
00:20:19you're fine what reason?
00:20:20um why would he invite us
00:20:21I mean he's married he can't be a swinger
00:20:23what?
00:20:24honey baby
00:20:24what?
00:20:25that's the purpose of like a swingers party
00:20:27it's where like married people come and then they
00:20:30they come?
00:20:32they probably do
00:20:34okay I can see
00:20:35oh you're right
00:20:35gross don't go
00:20:36no
00:20:37wow this is like a Gallagher concert
00:20:40yeah
00:20:40no because you know why they do that
00:20:42why do they do this?
00:20:43no because they show up
00:20:44why did he invite us? he's married
00:20:45show up
00:20:46and then they swap partners with another couple
00:20:49or couples
00:20:51wait a minute now if we're gonna have sex
00:20:54I just thought it would be like you and me
00:20:57what?
00:20:57baby that's not called swinging that's
00:21:01aww
00:21:01that's just called
00:21:06wait whoa
00:21:07whoa
00:21:08is that
00:21:09is that reverend smith over there?
00:21:11I've actually never seen him from that angle
00:21:14wanna go over there?
00:21:16you know I do
00:21:17sure we can do that
00:21:20purely from anthropological standpoints
00:21:23yes of course
00:21:23here we go
00:21:24come on let's go
00:21:25it's like a wild kingdom in here
00:21:26hey sorry
00:21:27oh
00:21:27whoa
00:21:29that is our grocer
00:21:30right there
00:21:32he touches
00:21:33our produce
00:21:35I know
00:21:35hi
00:21:36hi mr wang
00:21:37hi
00:21:37nope don't shake hands
00:21:39or that
00:21:40neither will kim
00:21:41yeah no we're fine
00:21:43we're good nice to see
00:21:44how are the kids?
00:21:45yeah they're doing well in school are they?
00:21:47the rash is clearing up
00:21:49that's good to know
00:21:50yeah
00:21:50i think you want her to touch my produce
00:21:52i think so too
00:21:53i think so too
00:21:55investigate print
00:21:56me
00:21:57oh my god yeah
00:21:58look at this
00:21:59you feel that?
00:22:01i'm like a swing club star
00:22:03break me off
00:22:12where did the third girl go?
00:22:18apparently she goes right there
00:22:22there
00:22:22there
00:22:25and there
00:22:26oh hi
00:22:27oh yeah
00:22:28sorry
00:22:29sure
00:22:30do i want a single used lube?
00:22:34what the?
00:22:35who used it?
00:22:36why
00:22:36why
00:22:37why
00:22:37oh i'm sorry what
00:22:39we're
00:22:41oh single used
00:22:42lube
00:22:42of course
00:22:43lube
00:22:44whoo
00:22:45it scared me there
00:22:46um vanilla?
00:22:48how about vanilla?
00:22:49no
00:22:49how about strawberry?
00:22:51no i'm not a big fan of strawberry
00:22:52mango
00:22:52i like mango
00:22:53but we did mango the other night
00:22:55how about almond butter?
00:22:59no
00:22:59because the almond's gritty
00:23:01oh it is gritty
00:23:01yeah
00:23:02bacon
00:23:04it's good for pork
00:23:05bacon
00:23:08bacon's for breakfast
00:23:10so are you
00:23:11that was a joke
00:23:12yeah
00:23:12we were going to do it before breakfast
00:23:14okay
00:23:14um
00:23:16lingonberry
00:23:20lingonberry
00:23:20we've been talking about lingonberry
00:23:22because i was thinking
00:23:23you know what
00:23:23yeah thank you
00:23:24thanks
00:23:25okay bye bye
00:23:26do you have to pay for
00:23:27where'd she go?
00:23:28where'd she go?
00:23:29i don't know
00:23:31oh
00:23:33behind the door
00:23:33gee
00:23:34shut that door fast
00:23:37okay here's what i want to know
00:23:39why
00:23:39what
00:23:40how come all of these people
00:23:41get to wear masks
00:23:42because i want a mask
00:23:44okay whatever you want
00:23:45i get
00:23:46and the lingonberry
00:23:47i want a mask
00:23:48you know to get the mask
00:23:49you have to be on one of these
00:23:50plastic mats
00:23:53looks like a fur face shield thing
00:23:55yeah
00:23:56well that man's face is busy
00:23:58you go grab those
00:24:04i didn't know
00:24:05no you're gonna have to wash your hands before you touch me
00:24:07that's true
00:24:09however
00:24:10i still wanted to get the mask
00:24:12yeah
00:24:15i got you a big one
00:24:17i've heard that about you
00:24:19yeah
00:24:20now why did we pay for this
00:24:22i mean we can do this in our bedroom
00:24:24yeah
00:24:27we did pay
00:24:28come on
00:24:28yeah let's do it
00:24:53what do you want for dinner
00:24:55hmm
00:24:55i was thinking about that
00:24:57yeah
00:24:57yep
00:24:58but i have decided that
00:25:00today is all about you scott
00:25:03it's your day
00:25:03oh you're cool
00:25:04anywhere you want to go
00:25:05whatever's fine with me
00:25:06okay
00:25:08how about casa de fruta
00:25:09oh god
00:25:11no anywhere but there
00:25:12seriously
00:25:12hate that place
00:25:13uh kim
00:25:14you just said anywhere's fine
00:25:16whatever's fine
00:25:18but not that place obviously
00:25:21duh
00:25:22jeez
00:25:23how do we even know each other
00:25:25look
00:25:26we went there together
00:25:28i know about it
00:25:29because of you
00:25:30i know
00:25:30i know and i didn't want to tell you verbally
00:25:33but i really hated the place
00:25:34but i figured that you would know by how quiet i got
00:25:37you said you had a headache
00:25:39yeah
00:25:40from that place
00:25:43i just like casa de fruta
00:25:45and you said
00:25:47whatever's fine
00:25:48oh my god
00:25:49you are breaking my heart
00:25:50this is killing me
00:25:51i don't even want to play
00:25:54what
00:25:55what
00:25:55just tell me what you're in the mood for
00:25:57i'll pick a place
00:25:59sushi
00:25:59sushi
00:26:00yes
00:26:00after you read me the google articles
00:26:02on high radiation
00:26:04and mercury poisoning
00:26:06and my allergy
00:26:08so uh
00:26:09are you trying to kill me
00:26:10no baby i'm not trying to kill you
00:26:12who would pay for dinner
00:26:15okay
00:26:15okay
00:26:16leaving sushi aside
00:26:18oh
00:26:19monterey may seafood house
00:26:20please please please i love that place
00:26:21please
00:26:22okay again
00:26:23with the seafood
00:26:24okay
00:26:25my throat
00:26:27it seems to be closing up
00:26:28and all of a sudden
00:26:30result in death
00:26:31and tracheotomy
00:26:34on my day
00:26:35yes
00:26:36yes
00:26:37we can't have you
00:26:38having a tracheotomy
00:26:40on your day
00:26:41no
00:26:41so we'll just
00:26:42wrap it
00:26:43you know what i want
00:26:43and you what
00:26:44i want something juicy
00:26:46oh
00:26:47i've heard that about you
00:26:48yeah
00:26:49you know what
00:26:50what
00:26:50steak
00:26:51chuck and esters
00:26:52oh
00:26:52chuck and esters
00:26:55oh
00:26:56greet your name
00:26:58shhh
00:26:58you did that to me earlier
00:26:59you want to do it again
00:27:04oh my god i just got that
00:27:06so you want to
00:27:07no stupid the documentary
00:27:08oh the documentary
00:27:09the documentary
00:27:09oh that
00:27:10you cried like a girl
00:27:11because i thought we'd never have a steak together again
00:27:14look i thought enough time went by there
00:27:16social indignation
00:27:17it's over
00:27:17okay
00:27:18no
00:27:18yeah it's not over
00:27:19it's never going to be over
00:27:20never ever ever
00:27:22wait maybe they're talking about other meats
00:27:23please
00:27:23cambodia meats
00:27:25tibetan llama
00:27:26come on the steak
00:27:28come on the steak
00:27:29at chuck and esters
00:27:30is so juicy
00:27:32no
00:27:33it's not
00:27:33it never will be
00:27:35choose
00:27:36food
00:27:36i want to eat
00:27:37i'm hungry
00:27:38i'm getting grumpy
00:27:39okay
00:27:39indian food
00:27:41burgers
00:27:41foreign
00:27:43yeah
00:27:44because i think the mexican
00:27:46what
00:27:48oh
00:27:48okay
00:27:50el burrito
00:27:52remember
00:27:53el burrito
00:27:54the wait there is 40 minutes i refuse
00:27:58seriously
00:27:58just pick food
00:27:59please
00:28:00pick food
00:28:00okay that i know that you like
00:28:01yes whatever
00:28:02okay that isn't chicken
00:28:03whatever
00:28:04not meat
00:28:04not turkey
00:28:05not seafood
00:28:06not indian
00:28:07not mexican
00:28:08not italian
00:28:09not viking food
00:28:11not fondue
00:28:12not cheeses
00:28:13not various dairy
00:28:14not grains
00:28:15not beans
00:28:16nothing from any of the food groups
00:28:18let me think
00:28:19let me think
00:28:20let me think
00:29:02it's day 763 we're still here
00:29:06no i'm so glad you guys are here for mtv's behind bars
00:29:09finally
00:29:10finally
00:29:10my lawyer told me i would only be here like a month probably
00:29:15it's been a lot longer than that
00:29:17seven hundred days later
00:29:19i'm just grateful for um for my friend here friend of we're friends we're besties this is my
00:29:26we're friends of opportunity really or fop fop
00:29:30opportunity
00:29:31yeah
00:29:31what was last night
00:29:33last night
00:29:34we don't talk about last night
00:29:35i'm talking about last night
00:29:37right now
00:29:38did the kiss mean nothing to you
00:29:42i'm innocent they got me in on trumped up tax evasion charges
00:29:46that's only because they couldn't find the body but i'm innocent
00:29:50not really sure what else you guys want to know about um
00:29:54how long have we actually been here it wasn't a month
00:29:57over seven hundred days as i've said before it's been a long time
00:30:02i even had a spoon and tried to andy dufrane my way out but they found it
00:30:06she had the wrong poster so it wasn't really the same
00:30:08it was superman it was a bad choice i don't know why
00:30:11it was the old superman too it was christopher reeves it wasn't even recent
00:30:16why would you
00:30:18okay first of all christopher reeves is a better superman than the anyway
00:30:22it was just not it didn't have the same andy dufrane kind of feel to it
00:30:27well i just thought if i pretended like i was in a movie then they would finally get it and
00:30:31let us out of here
00:30:32because obviously as my lawyer said i shouldn't still be in here because i didn't do anything
00:30:37there was a black person in here
00:30:40there was a black person
00:30:41there was they threw them out after like a year right
00:30:43why are we still here
00:30:47yeah yeah uh this is prisoner number 13159
00:30:51uh craig sugar mac lewis
00:30:52uh
00:30:54what what else you need
00:30:56oh yeah prison changes a man
00:30:59changes you
00:31:01i used to be a leggy blonde stewardess for air france
00:31:06yeah yeah this feel a little bit too comfortable
00:31:10i'm thinking of doing a mod with the kids call it for this new pong game
00:31:15where you make the the balls a different color
00:31:19not unlike here in prison
00:31:22why are you here
00:31:25i killed a guy but it was self defense so i mean george zimmern did it
00:31:31i i stole limes from the mexican cartel
00:31:36what
00:31:36i was a dare i was i i made a hundred bucks
00:31:41that's like killing a baby
00:31:42what
00:31:43that's how bad that is
00:31:45i you you actually did kill somebody
00:31:48yeah
00:31:49that was once a baby
00:31:50that was self defense
00:31:52and
00:31:53you're disgusting
00:31:54because you stole limes
00:31:57i'm disgusting because i stole limes
00:31:59i don't even i
00:31:59i don't even want to
00:32:01be next to you anymore
00:32:02no i don't want to be next to you
00:32:03i think we're way too close as it is
00:32:04can we can i
00:32:06can i get a new cellmate
00:32:08no
00:32:09no
00:32:09no she can't
00:32:11i mean we've got
00:32:12we've got a cafeteria where it's all you can eat
00:32:15i mean they give you a certain amount and that's all you can eat
00:32:20we had you guys going we had you guys going for a while
00:32:22look at her plate
00:32:22look at this face
00:32:23look at this face
00:32:24look at this face
00:32:25this is my friend
00:32:28tuesday's taco day
00:32:30everybody wants the taco
00:32:33i am often the taco
00:32:41what a lot of people don't know is uh we here i have some significant
00:32:44nuisances in the prison system one of which uh a lot of the games that they give us ain't updated
00:32:49right now we playing sorry and i don't i don't i don't like sorry i never liked it because i
00:32:54feel it is uh it's disingenuous when you go knock somebody's piece off the board and then say sorry and
00:33:00obviously you don't mean sorry and there have been many many instances of this uh the bloodshed over the game
00:33:06and i've told the warden i said we had 37 people die over this game and he gonna tell me
00:33:11how you know it has nothing to do with sorry i said there's a piece embedded in the
00:33:14man skull how do you not know that that has to do with sorry i said uh but yet we
00:33:19still have sorry
00:33:21wait this is what i look like
00:33:25we don't have mirrors in here
00:33:28oh shit
00:33:32uh what's my name
00:33:34uh tommy dinklage
00:33:36aka uh tommy ten fingers
00:33:38i grew up near three mile island i was the only kid in my neighborhood that were born with a
00:33:42full set of hands
00:33:43i mean really what it's all about it's just a bunch of the guys roughhousing you know how bad can
00:33:49that be
00:33:50peanut butter yeah peanut butter i mean who doesn't like peanut butter
00:33:55i made this from the guy in the cell next to me
00:34:01ask me how
00:34:02you know they uh still didn't find the gun i brought in with me
00:34:14so
00:34:15i've tried tunneling my way out of here but they only give me plastic spoons now
00:34:19it takes forever
00:34:22this is how far i've gotten
00:34:25is it because i said your dog's ugly
00:34:28it's because you pooed in your sleep
00:34:29a lot
00:34:31and yesterday was taco tuesday
00:34:34really
00:34:37i
00:34:38imagine being in a locked cell
00:34:41with that
00:34:42i
00:34:44i
00:34:45i
00:34:55i
00:34:56i
00:34:57i
00:34:59i
00:35:10i
00:35:17It's sugar man, they called me sugar man when I was little because I like to put sugar on
00:35:23my pancake and it's something about the sugar that works against the starch of the pancake
00:35:28and sort of explosion of flavors in your mouth and I would suggest that you use the sugar
00:35:34on your pancakes.
00:35:36Now in here they call me sugar man for some other reason because sugar can mean kiss and
00:35:41so I've maintained that sugar man nickname.
00:35:44Well, an idea that I have here in prison that I would like to institute is etiquette.
00:35:52Right now prison etiquette is not in good shape with communication and how we deal with each
00:35:59other.
00:36:00I am from Connecticut, Smith, educated.
00:36:05No man, I'm sorry, I didn't mean, I honestly didn't mean, you know it's just, it's been
00:36:10a while when you hear that you, you know, you just see people, you don't see nobody
00:36:13with lips like yours.
00:36:14You have very supple, supple lips.
00:36:17And those are sort of the things that we value here.
00:36:19And I apologize for trying to kiss you, I do, but it was actually both our faults for you
00:36:24getting so close to the, to the, to the cage beast, if you know what I mean.
00:36:27The cage beast, you get coached with the cage beast, cage beast gonna kiss you.
00:36:30That's, that, that's the rule of life.
00:36:31That's the rule of the jungle.
00:36:32Caged beast, you get coached with the cage beast kiss you and you got nice lips.
00:36:36But I want, I do want to apologize for, for trying to kiss you and, and, and, and you
00:36:40might want to get yourself tested.
00:36:41I, uh, was raised with Emily Post, understanding etiquette, Connecticut is where I'm from, etiquette,
00:36:48Connecticut.
00:36:49And, I would like to institute a kind of new etiquette into the prison system.
00:36:55Right now, we communicate with fits and starts, um, it's very much, hi, how are you?
00:37:03Good morning.
00:37:04That's how I like to start my morning.
00:37:06And often times I hear a response, shut the fuck up, bitch!
00:37:10Or I'll hear, I'll say, good morning, how are you?
00:37:13How was your sleep?
00:37:14And they'll say, I sleep when I'm dead, motherfucker!
00:37:16And I'm like, wonderful, nice, nice to see you, Cherise, um, or, nice to see you, uh, Latoya,
00:37:26or, maybe, so, I would like to introduce something like, when I hear, I'll fucking cut you, bitch!
00:37:34I say, wonderful initiative, let's have lunch together.
00:37:40When I was in high school, I was sort of wild, uh, I was a mathlete, and they brought
00:37:45us in mass to a scared straight program, and it was very effective.
00:37:52I woke up every morning think, thinking, don't go to jail.
00:37:57And at lunch, I think, don't go to jail.
00:37:59At night time, I think, don't go to jail.
00:38:01Every day after day, I think, don't go to jail.
00:38:06I might have manifested this.
00:38:09You don't think Pluto is a planet?
00:38:11Go to tell me Pluto is not a planet, I'll kill you.
00:38:15And I don't, I love people.
00:38:17I love people.
00:38:18People are science.
00:38:19People are walking molecules that get together and decide to be a person for a while.
00:38:23So, it's cool.
00:38:25Just educate yourself, or I'll kill you.
00:38:32What do I miss?
00:38:34I don't miss the colors gray and orange.
00:38:37I have an issue, as a mid-level Power Ranger, with my, uh, cellmate.
00:38:42Uh, my cellmate's name is, uh, is, is Rufus Tintin.
00:38:46And, and he gonna tell me something about toilet paper.
00:38:48And I said, I said, here's another nuisance for me.
00:38:50Toilet paper, uh, is an issue here.
00:38:52We don't have much of it.
00:38:53But I like to be clean.
00:38:55And, and, and I, and I use many, many, many rolls.
00:38:58And, and if I need to, I might use two ply, I might use one ply.
00:39:01And he gonna tell me, he asked me, hey, what's wrong with you?
00:39:04And I said, what do you mean, what's wrong with me?
00:39:05And he said, well, I thought he meant because my wife done died, and, and I had a kill.
00:39:09But he said, uh, he said, what's wrong with you?
00:39:11You've been using a lot of toilet paper.
00:39:13You use 47 sheets of toilet paper.
00:39:15And I said, I, I, I, I, first of all, what's wrong with you counting man's toilet paper sheets?
00:39:19How you gonna count a man's toilet paper sheets?
00:39:20There's nothing wrong with you.
00:39:21I like to be clean.
00:39:22Okay?
00:39:23Now, now we don't, are you paying for the toilet paper, Crack, Crack, Tintin?
00:39:26Are you paying for it?
00:39:27Are you paying for the toilet paper?
00:39:28Because I don't see me paying for the toilet paper.
00:39:29I use as much toilet paper as I want to use toilet paper.
00:39:32You know, they told you not to come in front of that line, but it's all right.
00:39:35You know, like, I feel like we could get to know each other better.
00:39:38Come on.
00:39:39It's, uh, just so I can touch you.
00:39:43Please?
00:39:44I, I promise I won't grab your face again like last time.
00:39:47You know, I, I still, I don't know why I'm in here.
00:39:50Uh, you know, I committed, a lot of prisoners would say they, they, they, uh, didn't commit the crime.
00:39:54I admit I committed it.
00:39:55It was a white collar crime.
00:39:57Uh, uh, yet I'm, uh, I'm locked up in maximum, uh, security prison.
00:40:00Now, now, now, now white collar crime can mean many different things.
00:40:03At least I was trying to get that point across to my lawyer.
00:40:06In my instance, white collar crime is, I, I saw a white man and I talked, tagged on his collar
00:40:10a little bit too much.
00:40:11And then he died.
00:40:12All right.
00:40:35Still nothing.
00:40:36Do we wait?
00:40:38Something ain't right.
00:40:40Probably the heat.
00:40:42We should cut bait.
00:40:45I got that feeling.
00:40:47This is a lot of money, Larson.
00:40:49Hell, we could retire.
00:40:51Hell, we could go to Mexico.
00:40:53Go north.
00:40:54We can wait two minutes.
00:40:58It's never late.
00:41:02Yeah, sometimes I get to wondering.
00:41:05If there ain't other ways you could see what's coming.
00:41:08You know, if I could, like, put my ear on the track of my life and find out what's in
00:41:12store.
00:41:13They say you never hear the one that gets you.
00:41:15Yeah.
00:41:17Hell, I wonder.
00:41:19Yeah.
00:41:21Check one more time.
00:41:26Nothing.
00:41:30Yeah.
00:41:32You know, my mama used to get so mad at me playing on them train tracks.
00:41:35Say I'm gonna get myself killed.
00:41:38Well, here I am.
00:41:41All human things are subject to decay.
00:41:44When fate summons, monarchs must obey.
00:41:49Is that the Bible?
00:41:51No.
00:41:53You think we'll have to pay for our crimes, Larson?
00:41:55I mean, you know, like in the afterlife.
00:41:58I think we're gonna have to pay for them right here.
00:42:01That's two minutes.
00:42:03Check one more time.
00:42:11Good.
00:42:13I hate to break a winning streak.
00:42:18That's funny.
00:42:19I don't feel anything.
00:42:22It don't make no sense.
00:42:23We don't have time for this, Joey Bell.
00:42:25I ain't joshing.
00:42:29Come feel for yourself, dammit.
00:42:30Good God.
00:42:32Good God.
00:43:06Again, we have a whole lot of love-skinned creatures!
00:43:07To beˇi like.
00:43:25You were the pastor and the familyできapour.
00:43:25What is my destiny?
00:43:25How can I pray that?
00:43:25I ain'to!
00:43:29Thanks for loving my place.
00:44:15I think that we're going to be getting PK and electrothermic readings off the scale.
00:44:20This entire area, this whole area right here.
00:44:23This area, interestingly enough, used to be an ancient Chumash Indian burial ground.
00:44:28Burial ground, sure.
00:44:29Are you getting any readings?
00:44:31Not at the moment.
00:44:33Proximity thing?
00:44:34Maybe we need to find the right spot?
00:44:36No.
00:44:37No.
00:44:38I'm just not getting anything at all, actually.
00:44:40Is the power on?
00:44:41I guess so.
00:44:45Did you put fresh batteries in it?
00:44:48Batteries?
00:44:48Yes.
00:44:49Portable electronic devices tend to run on some sort of battery.
00:44:53Actually, I thought you were supposed to put batteries in there.
00:44:56Why?
00:44:56It's your invention.
00:44:57Yeah, but I remember in the car, I said, do you have batteries?
00:45:01And I said no.
00:45:03You did.
00:45:05You did.
00:45:06So?
00:45:07So we should be getting all kinds of thermographic readings, all off the scale, a lot of it we
00:45:12have to analyze.
00:45:13Hang on there.
00:45:14Yeah.
00:45:15What exactly is that device supposed to be doing?
00:45:18This here?
00:45:19Yes.
00:45:19That's an interesting question.
00:45:21Do you have an interesting answer for me?
00:45:23This is, at its base, a meat thermometer.
00:45:32A meat thermometer.
00:45:34A meat thermometer that's been heavily modified to detect psychokinetic energy.
00:45:39How is that possible?
00:45:41How is that possible?
00:45:42Well, because psychokinetic energy is a broad spectrum.
00:45:45And you're able to...
00:45:45No!
00:45:47How?
00:45:47Oh, I put it on this really cool antenna.
00:45:50See?
00:45:50Right there.
00:45:51And you also knew that there were no batteries in it.
00:45:55Well, actually, it doesn't need batteries.
00:45:58It doesn't?
00:45:59No.
00:45:59No.
00:46:00It's a meat thermometer.
00:46:03It's solar powered.
00:46:05Then why are we using it at night?
00:46:12We always do stuff at night.
00:46:15SHUT UP NIGHT!
00:46:17SHUT UP NIGHT!
00:46:18And that is for your solar powered meat thermometer!
00:46:25SHUT UP NIGHT!
00:46:26SHUT UP NIGHT!
00:46:36SHUT UP NIGHT!
00:46:38SHUT UP NIGHT!
00:46:41SHUT UP NIGHT!
00:46:42SHUT UP NIGHT!
00:46:43SHUT UP NIGHT!
00:46:44SHUT UP NIGHT!
00:46:44SHIR Lamb NIGHT!
00:46:44There has been all sorts of documented remarkable phenomenon that's occurred in this very building.
00:46:50reports of all kinds of visible and I mean visible to the naked eye
00:46:55apparitions objects flying through the room and frankly demons let's go in
00:47:22I think it's locked you you did call the manager didn't I thought you were gonna
00:47:28call the man did you see me call the manager well it wasn't observable
00:47:32phenomenon that's because I didn't call the manager well why not because you
00:47:40were supposed to call the manager he's your brother-in-law obviously you were
00:47:46supposed to call the manager because you wouldn't even give me the number because
00:47:50you keep hitting on my sister that's not relevant right now because we are
00:47:54standing here one room away from two rooms away from recording with highly
00:48:01sensitive instruments and HD video some of the most dramatic oh what's the word
00:48:06evidence evidence evidence of ghost activity inside this very building two
00:48:15rooms away two rooms away are you pointing at the door it would be right in there I
00:48:27I think we established that actually
00:48:45hey the hell are you guys doing over there
00:48:47wow did you hear that
00:48:49oh
00:48:51oh
00:48:52oh
00:48:57oh
00:48:58oh
00:48:59oh
00:49:00oh
00:49:00oh
00:49:01oh
00:49:01oh
00:49:01oh
00:49:02oh
00:49:02oh
00:49:03oh
00:49:03oh
00:49:04oh
00:49:05oh
00:49:05oh
00:49:06oh
00:49:06oh
00:49:06oh
00:49:06oh
00:49:11Welcome to Ghost Quest, exclamation point.
00:49:14A retrospective, exclamation point.
00:49:17I'm hunter number one.
00:49:18And I'm hunter number two.
00:49:20And on today's show, we take a look back at, you know what, we probably shouldn't do that.
00:49:24On these shows, they always do that.
00:49:26They always say, we'll take a look back at something, we're going to show you, and then
00:49:29they show you.
00:49:29And in keeping with our theme of, the unknown shall be found, I think we should boldly go
00:49:39somewhere else, as it were.
00:49:41We should actually tell them something about what they're about to see.
00:49:45Remember what happened when we didn't prepare anyone for the Pecoyma zombie of terror.
00:49:49Oh yeah, good point.
00:49:50We got flamed in the emails and comments on that one.
00:49:53Thanks.
00:49:54Oh, and of course there was that thing with the cat.
00:49:56Yes, tragic.
00:49:57Yeah, the barrowman electrolyzer should not cause swelling of the cerebellum.
00:50:01Not to that extent.
00:50:02Poor, poor Mrs. Schrodinger.
00:50:07It's only fair that we should tell them something about what they're about to see, as it will
00:50:12chill them to the bone with blood-curdling terror.
00:50:16Oh, that's right.
00:50:17Here's an ad from one of our sponsors.
00:50:19That's not what I was talking about, but okay.
00:50:23It's on sale.
00:50:24All of it's sale.
00:50:25I cut off perfectly good leg and put on peg leg.
00:50:29Why?
00:50:29Because I'm crazy.
00:50:31Yeah.
00:50:32Hi-fi stereo.
00:50:34$49.95.
00:50:35Today and yesterday only.
00:50:38Why is $49.95 flashing on screen?
00:50:41Because I track off leg?
00:50:43No.
00:50:44Because I'm crazy.
00:50:46Are you kidding me?
00:50:48Look at this leg.
00:50:49By two hi-fi stereo systems, I throw in two severed heads.
00:50:54Don't be afraid.
00:50:56I'm crazy Ahab.
00:50:58I cut off leg every day to make good price.
00:51:01Have I got the peg leg for you?
00:51:04Cutting everything, including prices, today.
00:51:07Why?
00:51:08Are you kidding me?
00:51:10Because I'm crazy.
00:51:11$19.99, now $8.99.
00:51:14$1.99, gone.
00:51:17$18.95, temporarily $22.95, slashed $22.46.
00:51:23Why?
00:51:24Don't you do it.
00:51:25This leg is mine.
00:51:27Hi-fi.
00:51:28Walkman.
00:51:29BCR.
00:51:30Beeper.
00:51:31Gone.
00:51:32And more legs soon.
00:51:34Why?
00:51:35You know why.
00:51:36Because I'm crazy.
00:51:39Gee, I hope he doesn't cut off any more of his legs.
00:51:43Ghost Quest!
00:51:46Is our ongoing foray into the world of the paranormal.
00:51:50The supernatural.
00:51:52The unexplained.
00:51:53We've been offered many tantalizing glimpses into the world beyond, but few as potentially
00:51:59terrifying as this episode from Season 1.4, The Swing of Doom.
00:52:06So, here it is.
00:52:08The Baldwin Park Swing of Doom.
00:52:12Three hours into our investigation and still no movement from the swing.
00:52:15I fear that this might prove to be a textbook example of the Heisenberg Principle.
00:52:21Historically, the uncertainty principle has been confused with a somewhat similar phenomenon
00:52:25in physics known as the observer effect, which states that measurements of certain systems
00:52:30cannot be made without affecting those systems.
00:52:33Heisenberg noted this effect at the quantum level.
00:52:36Except that in this particular instance, nothing is happening.
00:52:40Perhaps, as we observe this aluminum alloy rod construct with a magnificent chain-link
00:52:46seat connector built, allegedly, on yet another Chumash Indian burial ground, our mere skepticism
00:52:53has suppressed the very phenomenon we've come to observe.
00:52:56Now, if there were some observable phenomenon, it would look something like this.
00:53:29Without a doubt, one of the most terrifying things we've failed to observe.
00:53:33In this next clip, observe we do.
00:53:36Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
00:53:38Yes!
00:53:39Yes.
00:53:41Yes.
00:53:41We observe the ghost droppings of Reptilio Man.
00:53:45In this episode from Season 1.7, The Terrifying Evil of Reptilio Man.
00:53:52Now, even though we're searching for the ghost of Reptilio Man, we are using equipment that
00:53:58attracts a living being.
00:54:00Isn't that a bit like using a dog whistle to attract a fish?
00:54:04Precisely.
00:54:06So, what have you brought that will actually attract Reptilio Man?
00:54:12Fish-scented popcorn.
00:54:15Fish-scented popcorn.
00:54:17Yes, specifically, trout-fish-scented and crappy fish-scented popcorn.
00:54:22You see, according to eyewitness accounts, Reptilio Man is very dangerous.
00:54:26No one has ever seen him and lived.
00:54:30How does that make any sense?
00:54:31What do you mean?
00:54:32So, did they die eventually, say, 30 years later in their sleep?
00:54:37Or is there some implication that seeing Reptilio Man immediately caused their deaths?
00:54:42Oh, I see your point.
00:54:45And?
00:54:46Oh, the popcorn.
00:54:54What lies beyond the locket door of death?
00:54:58Indeed, the locked door of death.
00:55:00There are many barriers to the unknown, many gateways left untraveled.
00:55:05And often, the unknown lies in wait beyond the locket door.
00:55:11Here, from the final episode of Season 2.8, The Locked...
00:55:16Locked!
00:55:17...Door of Death.
00:55:20Give it me.
00:55:26The Locked.
00:55:27How is it possible for a door to be locked from both sides?
00:55:31You did, however, mention a key.
00:55:33Yes, I did.
00:55:34I mentioned not having a key.
00:55:39Are you sure?
00:55:39Yes!
00:55:41Why would we be standing knee-deep in raw sewage if we had a key?
00:55:46To find the answer?
00:55:48To what?
00:55:49Does standing in raw sewage actually become more unpleasant over time?
00:55:53Now, there's a definite salty tone in your voice I don't much appreciate.
00:55:57Now, I'm not the one who forgot the key.
00:56:00I never had the key!
00:56:02The key never existed!
00:56:04How could you have locked the door without the key?
00:56:06I didn't lock the door!
00:56:08So, you're implying that perhaps some unseen force locked the door?
00:56:18Don't look at me like that.
00:56:19I'm serious.
00:56:20Here's an unseen force for you.
00:56:23Ow!
00:56:31Okay, Thor, our cameraman, requested this one.
00:56:34Our experiences in this investigation had the most far-reaching consequences of any we've encountered thus far.
00:56:41From Season 2.1, The Magnetic Monster of Doom.
00:56:47What?
00:56:48It was, as I said, something I've been working on for some time now.
00:56:54There's been much talk of these magnets and their magnetic fields down through the ages.
00:56:59Legend has it that Manganese was herding his sheep in an area of northern Greece called Manganesia.
00:57:07Manganesia.
00:57:09About 4,000 years ago.
00:57:11But, alas, he died still craving the elusive magnet.
00:57:15A magnet that would never be made practical.
00:57:18Until now.
00:57:20You wonder what I do when you drop me off after the show because I lost my license?
00:57:24Well, my friend, it's not sitting in front of the computer doing what you think.
00:57:31No.
00:57:32No, no, no, no.
00:57:34It's mostly creating the first handheld portable magnet.
00:57:39The South Pole was easy.
00:57:40Oh, it was easy.
00:57:41The mechanism for the magnetic field surrounding the South Pole was many, many vigorous strokes of magnetite on my rod
00:57:47away.
00:57:47But the North Pole, the North Pole eluded me.
00:57:52I had one pole of a magnet invented, but it would be years before I would stop going south and
00:57:57instead turn north,
00:57:59creating a balanced rod of not one, but two poles, north and south, whose attractive force was measurable and real.
00:58:06Real, Spencer, as real as me telling you this now.
00:58:13That's some wild, unprovable flight of fancy like those of James Clerk Maxwell.
00:58:20No.
00:58:21This was a magnet.
00:58:23Real, metal, and I, I alone created it.
00:58:26It was me, Spencer.
00:58:28It was me all along.
00:58:33But that's not all, no.
00:58:35No, that's not enough with truly powerful forces at work on my fevered brain.
00:58:42I created this extraordinarily powerful electromagnet, producing a magnetic field of 10 to the 11th Gauss.
00:58:50Wait, don't you think that's a bad idea?
00:59:01You guys didn't drop this in a black hole, did you?
00:59:04I can assure you that that camera has not been dropped into a black hole.
00:59:10No black hole.
00:59:15Or expose it to an extraordinarily powerful electromagnet?
00:59:19Uh, well, what do you mean?
00:59:22Oh, like magnitude, Gauss times 10 to the 10th, 10 to the 12th.
00:59:27Kind of like the surface of a neutron star.
00:59:30I swear that that equipment has not been on the surface of a neutron star.
00:59:36We are not lying.
00:59:38We wouldn't lie to you.
00:59:39Or the manufacturer.
00:59:41Not lying.
00:59:47Wouldn't lie to you.
00:59:48Wouldn't lie.
00:59:51Okay.
00:59:54You gonna want the spoon back?
00:59:56I'm afraid I do.
00:59:58Sure.
01:00:10The Magnetic Monster of Doom.
01:00:13It was me.
01:00:15All along.
01:00:17Regrettably.
01:00:22That's it for Ghost Quest Retrospective Number 1.0.
01:00:26Subscribe to this channel for more episodes.
01:00:28Let us know what you'd like to see George Flattman and Spencer Billingsley investigate next.
01:00:33Follow us on Twitter at GhostQuestShow, Facebook, and your nearest Ouija board.
01:00:40Spencer, there's a problem with the Barrowman Electrolyzer.
01:00:43To be continued.
01:01:11This could very well be some of the most terrifying footage we've ever recorded.
01:01:16Ooh, ooh.
01:01:17Okay, the readings are off the scale.
01:01:20Put that down.
01:01:20We won't want to screw this up.
01:01:22Wait.
01:01:22Okay.
01:01:23Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:01:24There it is.
01:01:25There it is.
01:01:26Slenderman.
01:01:27In those trees.
01:01:28Look!
01:01:28It appears to not see us, but there is Slenderman.
01:01:31You're getting this, right?
01:01:32Oh, I see it.
01:01:33No!
01:01:34On the camera!
01:01:35It's rolling, and, uh, uh...
01:01:37What?
01:01:37What?
01:01:37There are fresh batteries in the camera.
01:01:40This time.
01:01:40Why is the viewfinder black?
01:01:43It's nighttime.
01:01:44The lens cap is on!
01:01:45Wait, he's...
01:01:46He's moving!
01:01:46Okay, he's moving.
01:01:47He's moving.
01:01:48The lens cap is on!
01:01:49Take it off!
01:01:50But we'll miss him!
01:01:51Do it!
01:01:53Okay.
01:01:57Okay.
01:01:59Ah, fuck!
01:02:04Slenderman was right over there.
01:02:20So, as we were filming, it occurred to me that Slenderman, you know, much like a vampire, I couldn't see
01:02:28him through the viewfinder.
01:02:29You know, I could see him directly, obviously, uh, uh, uh, uh, with my own eyes, and, uh, wow!
01:02:37I mean, I wish that you could have, uh, but, of course, I, I couldn't, couldn't see Slenderman through the,
01:02:45uh, the viewfinder.
01:02:46It's, it's only logical.
01:02:49So, apparently, the trees, the bushes, the buildings, and the streetlights are all vampires because they don't register in the
01:03:00viewfinder either.
01:03:02Remarkable.
01:03:03I won't, uh, pull any punches here.
01:03:06Spencer was angry.
01:03:07I think it's called a, a rage spiral.
01:03:12I'm a vampire!
01:03:13I must be a vampire!
01:03:15This is a vampire!
01:03:16See this?
01:03:17This is a vampire!
01:03:19You're a vampire!
01:03:22If you're going to have any kind of real scientific integrity, like we do,
01:03:27you have to open yourself up to criticism, to a kind of studied scrutiny of your methods, uh, and your
01:03:35conclusions.
01:03:36George is an idiot!
01:03:39Shooting this kind of phenomenon is a real crapshoot.
01:03:43Especially when we're involved.
01:03:57Day 1 of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:05As of 1637 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:17Day 4 of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:24As of 1509 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:35Day 10 of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:42As of 1509 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:04:48Day 10 of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:04:53Day 13 of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:01As of 1153 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:05:20Day 18 of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:26Day 18 of our investigation into the infamous cursed brick of St. Carmichael the Rotund.
01:05:27As of 1714 hours, we have observed no unusual phenomena.
01:05:57Hello, I'm Spencer Billingsley.
01:05:59And I'm George Flatman.
01:06:01Welcome to Ghost Quest.
01:06:04We're standing outside Our Lady of Perpetual Juxtaposition Cemetery in Rosebead, California,
01:06:09where there have been numerous sightings of a terrifying apparition
01:06:13that local residents have come to refer to as the evil flaming skull of Corey Clemo.
01:06:19Indeed, part of the challenge of this type of investigation
01:06:23is the fact that there is no artificial lighting in the cemetery,
01:06:26and the nearest streetlight is like half a mile away.
01:06:30Visibility to the unaided eye is essentially zero.
01:06:34That's why we've come armed with some formidable technology.
01:06:39These are the latest generation night vision goggles, or NVGs.
01:06:43The imaging circuitry in these glasses is so advanced
01:06:47that placing a single candle on the 50-yard line of an otherwise pitch-black football field
01:06:53can render the entire field bright as day.
01:06:56Now, needless to say, it's very important to avoid looking directly into any high-intensity light sources.
01:07:02Well, I didn't want to be cut out of any cutting-edge technology.
01:07:06What do you have here?
01:07:07Well, this is the Hexalume MF9200,
01:07:12and that is a portable, high-intensity LED floodlight.
01:07:16Now, it provides a three-hour burn
01:07:19with a single strontium sulfide rechargeable battery
01:07:23that is no bigger than a bar of soap.
01:07:26That's impressive.
01:07:27What's the output?
01:07:28Well, for this baby,
01:07:30these dual-quad emitters produce light equivalent to a 10,000-watt halogen bulb.
01:07:39Here, take a look.
01:07:40No, don't!
01:07:49Hello, I'm George Flatman of Flatman Laboratories.
01:07:52Today, we're going to take a first look
01:07:54at the model MM5 multiphasic magnetometer.
01:07:58Now, this baby's been subjected to some of the most rigorous testing,
01:08:02and we are confident that it will hold up under the most demanding field use
01:08:07and provide the highest level of performance on the test bench.
01:08:12Bulletproof is the operational term for the MM5.
01:08:33Hello, I'm George Flatman of Flatman Laboratories,
01:08:37and today, we're going to take a look at the model MM5 Mark II
01:08:41improved multiphasic magnetometer.
01:08:45Now, this baby has been subjected to all kinds of rigorous tests,
01:08:49including the vibration test and computer modeling,
01:08:51and we are confident that she'll be able to provide
01:08:55some of the finest in field performance
01:08:57and the highest level of performance
01:09:00right here on the test bench.
01:09:03Even more bulletproof is the operational term
01:09:06for the MM5 Mark II.
01:09:29Step 16, replace the sample receptacle sub-housing
01:09:34and close the casing manifold
01:09:38by pressing the three tabs back into the slot
01:09:42while holding away the vent tubing.
01:09:44Okay.
01:09:44Okay.
01:09:45Okay.
01:09:46Replace the sample receptacle sub-housing,
01:09:50close the casing manifold.
01:09:53Three tabs are in,
01:09:55holding away the vent tubing.
01:09:58Okay, here.
01:09:59And we've got step 17,
01:10:02seal the assembly with 15 8-millimeter bolts,
01:10:06moving clockwise,
01:10:07beginning from position four.
01:10:09Why position four?
01:10:11It's a procedure.
01:10:12We've done extensive computer modeling
01:10:15at Flatman Laboratories.
01:10:16So now you're calling your mother's basement
01:10:19Flatman Laboratories?
01:10:23My mother has an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.
01:10:30Okay, 15 volts.
01:10:3415 volts.
01:10:35That seems a lot.
01:10:36You want to do four?
01:10:37Yeah, four seems better.
01:10:40You got it?
01:10:41There we go.
01:10:49Next step.
01:10:50Next step.
01:10:51Turn on the heating elements and the argon gas
01:10:54and don't open for 42 hours.
01:10:57Okay.
01:11:01Okay.
01:11:02Now, place the sample
01:11:05in the open containment receptacle.
01:11:10Excuse me?
01:11:11Yeah.
01:11:12Place the sample in the open containment receptacle.
01:11:15That's step one.
01:11:16That's step one?
01:11:19Yeah.
01:11:20How are we going to test it
01:11:21without, you know, placing it in the device?
01:11:23How are we going to place it in the device
01:11:26when we just spent two hours sealing the device?
01:11:29Well, obviously, I said,
01:11:32put the sample in the device first.
01:11:34I know I said that.
01:11:36I did say that.
01:11:38I said that.
01:11:39No, you didn't.
01:11:40No, I must have.
01:11:42Probably.
01:11:43No.
01:11:44Probably.
01:11:44You didn't.
01:11:44You were going on about extensive computer modeling
01:11:47at Flatman Laboratories.
01:11:48Yes!
01:11:49Extensive computer modeling at Flatman Laboratories.
01:11:59I have a question for you.
01:12:01Sure.
01:12:03Why does the test procedure begin with step two
01:12:09and end with step one?
01:12:17I don't need to ask my mother.
01:12:23I'm going to hang on to this until...
01:12:25Mom!
01:12:33Yeah, and frankly,
01:12:35we're going to get PK readings
01:12:36and electrothermic readings
01:12:37that are just off the scale.
01:12:39This entire area, this area, actually here.
01:12:41This area, interestingly,
01:12:43was once an ancient Chumash Indian burial ground.
01:12:46Burial ground, sure.
01:12:47So you getting any readings?
01:12:49Not at the moment.
01:12:50It's a proximity thing.
01:12:52Maybe we need to find the right spot?
01:12:55No.
01:12:56No, I'm just...
01:12:57I'm not getting any readings at all.
01:12:58Is the power on?
01:13:00I guess so.
01:13:03Did you put fresh batteries in it?
01:13:05Batteries?
01:13:06Yes.
01:13:07Portable electronic devices tend to run on some sort of battery.
01:13:10Yeah.
01:13:12Actually, I thought you put the batteries in.
01:13:13Why?
01:13:14It's your invention.
01:13:15Yeah, but I remember in the car,
01:13:16I said to you,
01:13:17do you have any batteries?
01:13:18And I said no.
01:13:21You did.
01:13:22You did.
01:13:23So, the kind of thermographic readings we're saying,
01:13:27we're going to have off scale.
01:13:28There's going to be so much data
01:13:30that we have to digest and analyze.
01:13:31It's frankly going to take months just to get this out.
01:13:34Hang on there.
01:13:35Hold on.
01:13:37What exactly is that device supposed to be doing?
01:13:40This?
01:13:41This here?
01:13:42Yes.
01:13:43That's an interesting question.
01:13:45Do you have an interesting answer for me?
01:13:47This is, at its base, a meat thermometer.
01:13:56A meat thermometer.
01:13:58A meat thermometer that's been highly modified
01:14:01to detect psychokinetic energy.
01:14:03How is that possible?
01:14:08Well, psychokinetic energy is really a broad spectrum.
01:14:11No.
01:14:12How?
01:14:15I put this really cool antenna on it.
01:14:17I don't know if you can see that, but that's...
01:14:19And, uh, you also knew that there were no batteries in it.
01:14:24Actually, it doesn't need batteries.
01:14:25It doesn't?
01:14:26No.
01:14:27It's a meat thermometer.
01:14:30Solar power.
01:14:35Then, why are we using it at night?
01:14:45We always do stuff at night.
01:14:49And that is for your solar-powered meat thermometer!
01:15:11And now, here is the weather, as it has been foretold.
01:15:18Well, it looks like another rough week in the Holy Land.
01:15:22Let's take a look at the scrolls.
01:15:25It shall be fire and brimstone in Hebron,
01:15:29with scattered thunderbolts down there in Tarsus.
01:15:32A plague of locusts shall be coming in from the southeast.
01:15:35They should be in Sodom by about noon tomorrow,
01:15:39so be sure to wear a hat.
01:15:42The four-day prophecy, the four-day forecast for Gomorrah,
01:15:46is two days.
01:15:49Now, let us divine the temperatures.
01:15:52In Jerusalem it shall be hot.
01:15:56In the Bethlehem areas it shall be very hot.
01:16:02And in the valley of Megiddo ye shall seek the cover of a large rock,
01:16:06as a pillar of fire is touched down near a mini-market,
01:16:10a pillar of salt lightly upon direct viewing,
01:16:13and the love of many shall wax cold.
01:16:16In the south of Egypt a nasty spell going on there of 19 days,
01:16:21of frogs, followed by lice, flies, locusts on Thursday,
01:16:27more locusts,
01:16:28and a small river of blood-flood warning in the Nile areas.
01:16:33Coming from the south-southeast,
01:16:36leprosy.
01:16:37Coming from the north-northwest,
01:16:39leprosy.
01:16:41Looking to the coastal areas now,
01:16:43a thick darkness shall lay upon the face of the land on Friday,
01:16:47with a 99% chance of the death of all first-born.
01:16:51Egypt, not a good vacation choice this long weekend.
01:16:57In the Mediterranean now,
01:16:59a low-pressure front brought in by almighty winds,
01:17:02we shall see 40 days and 40 nights of rain,
01:17:06followed by widespread flooding,
01:17:08as we see the continued effect of El Nino.
01:17:12And speaking of El Nino,
01:17:14birthday wishes,
01:17:15for today a child is born,
01:17:17today a child is given,
01:17:19for today Joseph begat Jesus.
01:17:23So be sure to set your calendars back to zero.
01:17:26That is the weather,
01:17:27as it has been prophesied.
01:17:30Is this divine retribution?
01:17:34Right, you brought that on yourself.
01:17:38There's always one, isn't there?
01:17:40There's always what you saw in.
01:17:42Right.
01:17:43Now, sports!
01:18:13It's not cold.
01:18:14It's not cold.
01:18:16No.
01:18:22No.
01:18:27No.
01:18:29No.
01:18:56If this sentence were in Chinese,
01:18:59I would be saying something else.
01:19:03I'll speak of the Chinese language merely because of my brief and tempestuous marriage
01:19:09to a woman from the Manchu province of China.
01:19:12It's very lonely down the mines,
01:19:15so I signed up for the Lonely Pillock dating service.com via the internet.
01:19:22In case you haven't heard of it,
01:19:24the internet is a complex global web of interconnections
01:19:27that allows me to receive my junk mail instantly.
01:19:32Through the Lonely Pillock dating service.com,
01:19:36I clicked on a button marked Women,
01:19:38and to my surprise, for only six months' pay,
01:19:42plus postage and handling,
01:19:43I immediately found my soul mate, who was, as I feared, in China.
01:19:51They say a picture's worth a thousand words,
01:19:55so I sent her a picture of Pierce Brosnan.
01:19:57It was the longest letter I ever wrote.
01:20:02For her, it was love at first sight.
01:20:05Unfortunately, she saw me again a few times after that.
01:20:10You see, she arrived via what's now called snail mail.
01:20:15Snail mail, I am happy to report,
01:20:18is not mail delivered by garden-dwelling mollusks.
01:20:22This I learnt the hard way,
01:20:24after many hours sitting in my garden, waiting.
01:20:42You see, she arrived via postman, my snail mail,
01:20:45all the bride did.
01:20:46He was about six foot tall,
01:20:49looked to be seven when I first saw him,
01:20:51with dark wavy hair,
01:20:53and he smiled a lot.
01:21:04She was about five foot tall,
01:21:07and she smiled a lot too, at first.
01:21:30After a few months, I noted with interest,
01:21:34that neither of us understood what the other one was saying.
01:21:37Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:39I have encouraged you to learn English.
01:21:43Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:45Sorry, didn't catch a word out there.
01:21:48Dirty man! Why don't you wash your face?
01:21:51Again, not getting it.
01:21:52Ah!
01:21:53Ah!
01:21:54Don't make!
01:21:55I know you're fine.
01:21:57Oh, bad have I been!
01:21:59What you've gotten!
01:22:01A little more clarity,
01:22:02and I'll be with you on that.
01:22:07Ah!
01:22:08Ah!
01:22:09Ah!
01:22:11Ah!
01:22:13Ah!
01:22:14Sorry, I'm not catching a word out there.
01:22:16Ah!
01:22:17Ah!
01:22:17I was dismayed.
01:22:19I rang them up, I said,
01:22:22Hello!
01:22:23What's wrong with her?
01:22:27I'm sorry I thought you were going to say something.
01:22:33I am dismayed.
01:22:35She has all her parts?
01:22:37Can she be returned?
01:22:38Oh, yes, that's intact as well.
01:22:42They told me that she was a minor and that I shouldn't tell anyone.
01:22:47I said I'm a minor too and proud of it.
01:22:50They said loving a minor is illegal.
01:22:53Proper people shouldn't do it. They hung up.
01:22:56That's why all these lovely ladies have been avoiding me all these years.
01:23:01Because I'm a minor.
01:23:03You see, I learnt from my incomprehensible pride that language is a tricky thing.
01:23:08Some say the language barrier cannot be broken.
01:23:12The language barrier cannot be broken, they would say to me,
01:23:15and then walk away before I can say anything.
01:23:18Happens every day.
01:23:19But that's what they said about sound too, wasn't it?
01:23:22They said the sound barrier cannot be broken.
01:23:25Yet, thanks to the efforts of American test pilot Chuck Yeager,
01:23:30you are hearing me now.
01:23:34Of course, breaking the language barrier can be a dangerous thing.
01:23:37They said, like the Spanish language, in all its subversive phrases,
01:23:41like, buenos tardes.
01:23:43Buenos tardes, you hear them say.
01:23:45Which means, of course, it's good to be tardy.
01:23:48Go down the mine. Go in late.
01:23:50You say, buenos tardes to them.
01:23:52He says, you're tardy. That's not buenos. Get out.
01:23:56Yes, the Spanish language could render sunder the very fabric of society.
01:24:01Send the earth hurling off into the oceans.
01:24:04And I'm not giving to exaggeration, no.
01:24:07I think exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
01:24:11You see, in the spring, the postman movingly told me
01:24:15that my snail mail order bride had come of age.
01:24:19Unfortunately, it was the Bronze Age.
01:24:21All I had was an iron.
01:24:23And that she had to go back with him now.
01:24:25I knew he had to be right. I knew he spoke her language.
01:24:29Because I could hear them giggling away the hours in my bedroom.
01:24:33Every day around 11am when he came by to deliver his package.
01:24:40You see, I wish I was the Chuck Yeager of languages.
01:24:43Breaking the language barrier so everyone could understand everyone else instantly.
01:24:48I think the world would be a much nicer place if we did.
01:24:51But where is some might drink from the fountain of knowledge?
01:24:55I merely gargled.
01:25:01Well, that's the last statement I shall make on breaking the sound barrier.
01:25:05In fact, that's the last statement I shall make.
01:25:10No, I was wrong.
01:25:18Didn't catch your game.
01:25:24Harry, did you find any coal?
01:25:30It's still not coal.
01:25:36Ow.
01:25:39I'm helpless.
01:25:42I'm helpless.
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