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00:19It's her 9th birthday, she's not getting hitched.
00:22Dad, leave Ned alone!
00:24Taya! Daddy's not kicking it away from the windows!
00:27We thought Bub deserved the little pizzazz.
00:29Pizzazz? Does a 9 year old need a pizzazz?
00:33A bloody three-tiered cake and knapes?
00:36It's a potato!
00:37She's practicing!
00:39Don't worry about Dad, this looks perfect.
00:41Nothing's gonna stop us from having the best birthday ever.
00:43Totally.
00:45Just so you know, it's no biggie, but Mum will be coming to the party.
00:50Yeah, I just sort of mentioned it and you know Mum, she took that as an invite.
00:55Of course, yeah, yeah.
00:57No, that's fine, she's family too.
00:59This is good, this is good, this is actually really great.
01:03I'm just gonna, let's just make Taya's bed for her.
01:07Oh no, no, no, she's staying in a hotel. She didn't want to put us out.
01:10Classic.
01:11Oh, classic, she's just so classic.
01:14I will greet her with some French champagne.
01:17Good idea.
01:18Mmm.
01:23Taya!
01:28Mum!
01:29Oh, is it?
01:31Oh, so glad you could make it.
01:32Oh darling, it's good to see you.
01:34Oh, you too.
01:34Almost here, so make sure that you...
01:36I get extra presents!
01:37Her presents is the present, remember that?
01:40Where's my present?
01:41Hello, aren't you a little bundle of energy?
01:44Say thank you.
01:46Oh, she should be careful with that, Lauren.
01:47It was very expensive.
01:49It's designer.
01:51Thanks, I guess.
01:54Oh, I was hoping she'd put that on.
01:55It is a birthday.
01:56I'll tell her.
01:57It's lovely, thanks so much.
01:58Nine-year-olds.
01:59You always make sure you say happy birthday to Taya, alright?
02:02Leroy!
02:02Happy birthday, Taya!
02:03Uncle, I forgot my presents!
02:04Presents later, baby girl.
02:06Hey, can you shove this in the kitchen for me?
02:07Oh my gosh, lollies!
02:08You know me so well!
02:10Not today, bub!
02:11Uncle Ned spent the whole night cooking!
02:14Sure have!
02:14This party already sucks!
02:16What the hell?
02:17A girl can't have party food at her own party?
02:20Ixnay on the oud fey.
02:21But I've got all her favourite stuff.
02:22Can you put this in the fridge for Annie?
02:24And help out with the catering?
02:25That'd be great.
02:26Hey, look out.
02:27Cork and everything.
02:28You can help with the orders.
02:30Hey, we're not supposed to say that word anymore.
02:32It's sex worker now.
02:33Enough with the jokes, help!
02:36Who's gonna eat this shit?
02:38The kids.
02:39No trouble from you, Leroy.
02:41Today has to be perfect.
02:43Don't start.
02:44Bub's had the hardest year of her life.
02:46Sugar-free finger food's just gonna make it worse.
02:48I'm staying out of it.
02:49You better do the same.
02:50We've gotta do something.
02:51She's hiding away in her room.
02:54You could sing her a song.
02:56I don't know.
02:57Yeah.
02:57A special birthday song from her own Muningo.
03:00Maybe.
03:01Somebody's gotta think about bub.
03:03Stop!
03:05When we taught Lauren to swim, what did you tell me?
03:07Just chuck her in.
03:08Mm.
03:09She'd ask advice.
03:10She nearly drowned.
03:11She nearly did.
03:12But she didn't, did she?
03:13She's not gonna drown this time.
03:16Sometimes you gotta sink before you swim.
03:20Let them sink.
03:21Hmm?
03:32Dad.
03:34Dad.
03:35Dad.
03:38Dad.
03:39What is that?
03:41Junk food.
03:42Don't look like junk food.
03:43It will when it ends up in the junk.
03:45Hey Leroy.
03:46How about today you let people actually taste what I've cooked?
03:48Your kids can eat crap in their own time.
03:50Get on board or get in the bin.
03:52This is for bub.
03:53For bub.
03:53Sure.
03:54We're her guardians.
03:55Not you.
03:59The things we do for family.
04:03What the hell?
04:05Are you going to eat that?
04:07You gonna eat that?
04:08Yes.
04:08Why not?
04:10Because it's disgusting.
04:12Bub, put the dress on now.
04:14No.
04:14It's ugly.
04:15I don't care if you never wear it again, but you're wearing it today.
04:18It's itchy.
04:19Yeah.
04:20Well, the things we do for family.
04:22Listen.
04:23Your friends are here.
04:24Your family's here.
04:26Annie's come a long way.
04:27So put the dress on.
04:28Get downstairs.
04:29And look alive.
04:30Hey.
04:32Come here.
04:33Don't drop that.
04:34Come here.
04:39Ned and Lauren are unhinged.
04:42Who made them king and queen of yours?
04:43I know my castle's been pillaged by peacocks.
04:46Rennell used to keep it casual.
04:48Everyone brought a plate.
04:49Simple.
04:50None of the kids are gonna want to eat that rubbish.
04:53But we know what bub wants.
04:55Fuck yeah, we do.
04:56It's our time to shine.
05:00The contraband.
05:02Yeah.
05:03Some people need saving from themselves.
05:05Hunk, you're an evil genius.
05:08I tell my boys to spread the word.
05:11You have to join the fun mum thread.
05:12All the school mums are on it.
05:14Except Vivian.
05:15So don't tell Vivian.
05:16But you're fun though.
05:17You'll qualify.
05:18Excuse me.
05:19Excuse me.
05:20Party emergency.
05:20Principal Dana, now that I have you here.
05:22I'm the parents and friends.
05:23Oh yes, yes.
05:24Sounds great.
05:25Send me an email.
05:28And people wonder why I didn't join the mum brigade.
05:30Some people make motherhood their entire personality.
05:32Hydrate.
05:33So what's the go?
05:34You heard from Cowboy?
05:35No.
05:36Thank God.
05:36Ned's really invested.
05:38He's gone like full dad mode.
05:40I know that look.
05:42What look?
05:43That look.
05:43Like you're about to give me detention.
05:45Well I should.
05:46And a caning.
05:47Bob doesn't need all this fanfare.
05:49She needs her dad.
05:50Her real dad.
05:51Bob's never asked for that.
05:53Really?
05:53She's never brought up the dad question.
05:56Ever.
06:03Goodness.
06:04It's hotter in here than it is out there.
06:06No, don't, don't, don't bring that in.
06:08That's for the guests.
06:08I'm afraid the flies are enjoying it more than the guests.
06:11But there's still more to come.
06:12Where's Leroy?
06:13We've still got the stuffed aubergine.
06:14Look, to be honest mum, you're not helping.
06:16Oh darling, no one likes a try hard.
06:19Why on earth are you doing all this yourself?
06:21Clearly your efforts are being appreciated.
06:24Look.
06:25Thanks mum.
06:26That's great.
06:30Chicken liver parfait with a prune compote.
06:32They're lovely.
06:33They're really.
06:34Please.
06:37Hey look, it's the birthday girl!
06:41What's with the dress?
06:42Hey, cut it out.
06:43You look lovely my girl.
06:45You look beautiful.
06:46Nice dress birthday girl.
06:47Best birthday ever.
06:48You like the food?
06:50Can we do the pinata now?
06:52Yeah, soon.
06:52But maybe you want to say hello to everyone first, okay?
06:56I get it bub, but you're nine now,
06:57and a big part of growing up is doing things you don't want to do.
07:00I'm proud of you big girl.
07:02Now go have fun.
07:03Go on.
07:05Don't try me alone.
07:08No one likes my food.
07:10Don't understand.
07:11Is it that bad?
07:13Aren't these kids hungry?
07:16They haven't even tried a single bite.
07:18Well, if there's anyone who knows how to go back to the drawing board,
07:21it's you.
07:22Now get that tight tush back in the kitchen.
07:25I love it when you objectify me.
07:43What are you doing?
07:45You're about to ruin a little girl's birthday.
07:47You don't just breeze into my house.
07:49Whoa.
07:49Go.
07:50Get out of here now before anyone sees you.
07:51Whoa, whoa, whoa.
07:52Okay, I've got some news for you.
07:53You couldn't call ahead?
07:54Send a text?
07:56A friggin' smoke signal?
07:57Look, I found him, and I've got a name.
07:59No.
08:00Don't tell me.
08:02I don't want to know.
08:02You asked me to find him, and I found him.
08:05You want to know who he is or not?
08:10Where'd you get the stash, girls?
08:11We'll never tell.
08:15Where'd you get the lolly, little man?
08:17I can't tell him.
08:21You're a good kid.
08:23Tell coach Ned who's dished out the junk food.
08:25I'm not telling, because I'm not a snitching dog.
08:30Did you see Taya?
08:31What a picture she looked in that dress.
08:33What are you fussing about now?
08:35Look how stressed you are.
08:37Let me help.
08:39Mum, don't get all weird and judgy.
08:41Just want it to be perfect for Taya, you know?
08:43There's no such thing as perfect.
08:44Even my Lexus breaks down once in a while.
08:48I thought playing house was what you wanted.
09:09Yeah, yeah, yeah, look.
09:10I know what a deal is.
09:11I do deals all the time.
09:12But circumstances change.
09:13Lauren, have you seen Leroy?
09:15Oh, who's this?
09:17Hey, I'm Ned.
09:18Oh, yes.
09:19Uh, this is my husband.
09:20And Ned, this is Mr...
09:23Cowboy.
09:23Cowboy.
09:24Mr. Cowboy.
09:25Yes, that's right.
09:26Oh, like a...
09:27Like a cowboy show.
09:29That's a great idea.
09:30The kids are gonna love it.
09:31Well done.
09:32Uh, well done.
09:32There's a really good spot for you down here under a tree.
09:35Yeah, yeah.
09:35It's a shady spot, yeah.
09:37Got me whipping everything.
09:38No, no, no.
09:39No, no, no.
09:40Cowboy.
09:40Yeah, yeah.
09:41All the kids are ready for you.
09:42Can you be a bit more discreet?
09:44Cowboy show.
09:44There you go.
09:44Give me those.
09:46Howdy.
09:47Uh, should we start the show with a yarn?
09:51Yeah!
09:52How about a bush ranger story?
09:54Yeah!
09:55A scary one?
09:56Yeah!
09:57Finally.
09:58Someone's eaten my food.
10:02Do you like it?
10:03Okay, so I've been looking for a couple of low-life bush rangers.
10:06Any idea where these little turds are getting their junk food?
10:10These fellas were up to no good.
10:12They were stealing and dealing and no one wanted to snitch.
10:15The cowboy has his ways.
10:17I'll put aside a box of tarts for you.
10:23I found the coward bastards holed up in a cave.
10:27And I had the element of surprise, so I pounced.
10:31Enough!
10:32You'll recutate his birthday.
10:33The old fella put up one hell of a fight.
10:36Buying time for the young buck to get away with the stash.
10:39Kids don't like canapes!
10:40Well, he was an old wily one, that old one.
10:42Your food sucks!
10:43So, I put the young buck in my sights.
10:46Take down the young one first.
10:48Well, he might have had the physical advantage,
10:50but what I had was persistence.
10:52So, I chased him across country.
10:55But no matter how close I got,
10:57I was always one step behind him.
11:00I tracked him through bush.
11:02I was getting close.
11:03I could smell the mongrel.
11:06Then he vanished in a hidden cave behind the waterfall.
11:10But, I had him cornered.
11:12Cornered in a crocodile infested river.
11:15Don't know about you, but me,
11:16I don't want 66 crocodile teeth in my ass cheeks.
11:19That's not appropriate.
11:21Careful Annie.
11:22Top end heat and bubbly have a way of creeping up on you.
11:26Champagne and I have an understanding.
11:27So, I waited.
11:30I waited a long time.
11:32With my trusty Smith and Wesson.
11:36So...
11:38How's it going?
11:39Perfect.
11:40Oh.
11:41Yeah.
11:42Had that one loaded right up then.
11:44Yeah, yeah.
11:44This is perfect, isn't it?
11:45Yeah, so perfect.
11:46Yeah, it looks perfect.
11:47I've been camped out for a week
11:48when the dog snuck up behind me.
11:50The son of a mongrel shot me in the back
11:52and I dropped my gun.
11:53But when Cowboy doesn't have his pistol...
11:56What does Cowboy use?
11:56I win!
11:58Yee-haw!
12:00Oh hell, what's he doing now?
12:02He's gonna take some kid's eye out.
12:04Ah!
12:07Hey lollies.
12:08That's cheap.
12:09That was riveting.
12:10I think I need to choose her.
12:12How about we bring the birthday girl on stage?
12:14Yeah?
12:16Come on.
12:16Get Cowboy out of here, would you?
12:18Ah, yes.
12:19It'll be fun.
12:20Catch up?
12:21I didn't invite him.
12:22It's your fault he's here.
12:24You wanted to find sperm, Daddy.
12:25I helped.
12:26Done my bit.
12:27First of all, don't call him Sperm Daddy.
12:30That's gross.
12:30And second of all, you found him.
12:33Who?
12:34Sperm Daddy?
12:35Stop saying Sperm Daddy.
12:36Oh, delightful.
12:37Hi.
12:37Hope you're enjoying yourself.
12:39Hello.
12:40How are you?
12:41Food's great, isn't it?
12:43So who is he?
12:44Well, he hasn't told me yet because he's too busy being the least subtle private eye on planet Earth.
12:49Have you paid Quickdraw before?
12:51No, and I don't want to.
12:52No.
12:53It's easy.
12:54I'll show you.
12:55Are you gonna sing Bubba's song or what?
12:57I don't know.
12:58It's a lot of parents.
13:00It's a great game.
13:01It's judgy.
13:03We can both say she's hating you.
13:05You can get up there and give her something to be excited about.
13:08How much cash did you pay him?
13:10He doesn't accept money.
13:11Shut up!
13:12You didn't pay him?
13:13I know, Donna.
13:14I tried.
13:15But he said I owe him a favor.
13:16What does that mean?
13:17How dead am I?
13:18Am I dead?
13:19You're on your own couch.
13:21What we're gonna do is we're gonna take five steps.
13:23And on the fifth step we turn around and we shoot each other.
13:26Okay?
13:26Sounds so stupid.
13:28Yeah, that's the spirit.
13:28Good girl.
13:29She's really hating this, isn't she?
13:31I would be too in that dress.
13:34Cake.
13:34Cake will cheer her up.
13:36I've never seen you so stressed, Lauren.
13:38Christ, you should thank your lucky stars you didn't have kids in the 70s.
13:41We couldn't pursue our careers back in those days.
13:43It was, you're a woman, you're at home with the little tyrants.
13:47Of course you are.
13:48Where else would you be?
13:49Where are the candles?
13:51It was expected.
13:52But I'm just like you.
13:54More at home in an office than a playpen.
13:57One day, I saw my husband playing with the boys on the lawn.
14:02The boys were laughing.
14:04He was laughing.
14:06I mean, they were just having the best time.
14:09And it hit me.
14:11I don't like kids.
14:12I never have.
14:14I mean, I love my boys.
14:16Of course I do.
14:17But I didn't like them.
14:20My husband, though, he actually liked their little Muppets.
14:24That's nice.
14:25For him, maybe, but not for me.
14:27I thought there was something wrong with me.
14:29But I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you.
14:34Ready?
14:34And one.
14:36One.
14:36A mother-in-law knows.
14:38She knows.
14:40Two.
14:40Ned's just like his dad.
14:42Naturally paternal.
14:43Three.
14:44You try to hide it, but you're just like me.
14:47Four.
14:48You don't like kids.
14:50Five.
14:54I'm dead.
14:57I'm dead.
14:58She shot the cowboy.
15:00I'm dead.
15:02I'm dead.
15:03I'm dead.
15:03Enough of all of this.
15:04Thank you for your cowboy act.
15:06How about I sing my grandbaby a song?
15:09Go on.
15:13Where are the lollies, Trev?
15:15You'll never take us alive!
15:17Use him!
15:18Use him!
15:20Bob!
15:20Come here.
15:21Leave him!
15:22Come here!
15:23Sure's the right for platin' up that posh crap.
15:25Why is your beef with me?
15:27What are you talking about?
15:28Hey, Bob, it's time for the cake!
15:30Give me up, Sonny!
15:30Are you all right?
15:38Great party, boy.
15:42Happy birthday to...
15:46Cowboy?
15:48Cowboy!
15:50What a shitshow.
15:53That was...
15:55That was my fault, but I...
15:58I'm just bad at being a mum.
16:00So come on then.
16:01Tell me everything you can about this sperm daddy.
16:04Tell his dad.
16:06Sure you wanna know?
16:06He wants to tell you it's your bird and not mine.
16:09Yeah, yeah.
16:09Who is he?
16:11Does the name Jared Kirilama mean anything to you?
16:13That's a Tiwi name, isn't it?
16:15That's right.
16:16Tiwi fella.
16:17Are you sure?
16:19How did you find this out?
16:21Cowboy's got his ways.
16:23Does he know anything about Taya?
16:28Is that it?
16:29Anything else?
16:30No.
16:31Alright.
16:31Good.
16:32That's it.
16:33We're done.
16:34Enough of this quid pro quo bullshit.
16:35I'm gonna give you some money.
16:36Alright, ma'am.
16:37Deal's a deal.
16:39You still owe me a favour?
16:40How do you even function?
16:41You know what?
16:42Whatever.
16:46Jared Kirilama...
16:49Stop doing that!
16:53I don't care that you got a little boozy.
16:55I care that you keep saying I'm playing house.
16:57Who's playing?
16:58You both are.
16:59She's pretending to like it.
17:01And you're pretending this isn't what you've always dreamt of.
17:05Mum.
17:05Of what a mother can't hear what her son isn't saying.
17:08A son who goes to all this effort, all this stress for a child that isn't even his.
17:14What if he had a child who was his?
17:16Mum?
17:17You know that's not an option for us.
17:18I still remember those two weeks when you sat on my couch sobbing because of what she had said to
17:24you.
17:24Mum, we've made a conscious choice to be a child free couple.
17:28Yes, well you've always gone along with whatever Lauren wants.
17:31What about what you want?
17:33This is what I want.
17:37Don't look at me like that.
17:39It's my job to look at you like that.
17:41How do I know the name Jared Kirilama?
17:43Uh, he was only the biggest hottie in high school, don't you remember?
17:47Good at footy, right? School captain?
17:49Yep.
17:50And then he pissed off back to the islands after schoolies.
17:52Why? Is he here?
17:54No, no, no. He's...
17:57Shut up!
17:58He's Tiger's dad.
17:59Yes!
18:00Oh!
18:01Rennell!
18:02That's lovely.
18:04Lovely?
18:05The Kirilamas are a good family.
18:07Yeah, I guess.
18:07And Taya deserves to be a part of that family, right?
18:11Of course.
18:12I mean, look.
18:15Ned is...
18:17How do I put this?
18:19I get it.
18:20You don't have to say it, sis.
18:22Ned's a good father figure, but...
18:23She's not his.
18:25She's ours.
18:26She's Jared's.
18:38I get it.
18:47Fair.
18:49Listen, Uncle Ned and I are sorry that your party was such a shit show.
18:52A big shit show?
18:54Yeah. A fucking shit show!
18:55OK, that's enough.
18:57I never had birthday parties with Mum.
19:00She knew I never liked people looking at me.
19:04We're just used to. It doesn't matter.
19:08Tell me.
19:09On my birthday, we'd just drink a pool's iced coffee
19:12in Nightcliff at sunset.
19:15You're dumb, I know.
19:17Your Mum let you drink coffee?
19:19Only on my birthday, she did, yeah.
19:22That's not dumb.
19:24That's deadly.
19:25See what happens when Mama stays out of here.
19:31Forgot to add pipes on.
19:33You know what I'm thinking?
19:34What? You could be the dolly to my Kenny.
19:36Don't worry, darling. You'll be rid of me soon.
19:38I'll move my flight forward.
19:40You don't have to.
19:41I just don't want you to get your heart broken, that's all.
19:44I won't. You don't need to worry.
19:46We're good here. Calm us.
19:47Sorry for not cleaning up. Thank you, thank you.
19:49Ned, you're coming with us, quick!
19:51Uh, Trev.
19:53Bye, Ned.
19:54Oh, bye.
19:55You're shitting me.
19:56Can I take some of these home?
19:57Have what you bloody want.
19:59But make yourself useful, would ya?
20:02Greedy.
20:03Bye.
20:05Where are we going?
20:06It's a surprise.
20:07Oh, okay.
20:18Yep, you're right. We should have done this from the beginning.
20:21Maybe give us a heads up a little earlier next year?
20:23Oh, what have you done to me, bubba?
20:25I'm gonna be addicted to Paul's iced coffee now.
20:27This is delicious.
20:30What's funny?
20:32You're just like my dad.
20:33Oh, really?
20:34What do you mean?
20:35That's the only thing mum really ever told me about dad.
20:38Is that he loves Paul's iced coffee.
20:42What a bloke had good taste.
20:44What a bloke had good taste.
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