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00:02We'll be back.
00:36We've got Bob Mortimer's Joker coming up.
00:39I am so delighted I'm not in that room for this.
00:43We can just enjoy it.
00:44This could be a problem for people.
00:46He could do anything. I fear him.
00:49Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage Mr Graham Lester.
00:54Not ready for this at all.
01:10My name's Graham Lester, ladies and gentlemen.
01:13It's your privilege to be entertained by me this afternoon.
01:16I know doctors, dentists, architects are recently parked in the same park and ride as an anaesthetist.
01:26We're not fucking about here. Do you understand?
01:38Oh no. Don't own goal it, Bob.
01:48It's just loud.
01:53You got a problem, son?
01:56You got a problem, son?
01:57No, absolutely not, no.
01:58Yeah, you got a face like a Dalek's penis.
02:01You don't mind me saying.
02:05I'll have you know, my next door neighbour, but one, yeah, has access to agricultural poisons.
02:16Behave yourself.
02:19I'd like to present for your entertainment an item that I'm calling lard for laughs.
02:26I'll extract two laughs from lard by forcing the lard through the face of Mr Jimmy Carr.
02:37I feel weirdly honoured.
02:41Do you have a problem, son?
02:44No.
02:47Maybe I do.
02:53Oh no.
02:59I will force the lard through Jimmy Carr's face whilst extending the pronunciation of the vowel A.
03:07It's two laughs.
03:31Look at David.
03:35La-a-rad.
03:41Lard for laughs, ladies and gentlemen.
03:45Oh, Mel's face.
03:46Secondly, for your entertainment, I would like to tell you about a very unusual incident that occurred at Costco in
03:53Croydon.
03:54I was there with my pet seagull, Ruth, shopping for apricots.
04:03We wanted a big catering-sized tin.
04:06We wanted a big catering-sized tin.
04:06Why wouldn't we?
04:07Why wouldn't we want catering sauce?
04:09We love our apricots.
04:12I have a keyboard behind here.
04:14It's powered by success, represented by the trophy, obviously.
04:18And nourishment, represented by the mango.
04:22The mango.
04:24The mango.
04:26David, David, is it going?
04:29So, I was with Ruth at Costco to buy the apricots, and we had hot dog each before entering the
04:38shop.
04:39And then, at the far end of the store, that was mango.
04:44At the far end of the store, we spotted a large catering tin of apricots on a top shelf.
04:50It must have been 20 feet.
04:51Can you imagine?
04:5320 feet high.
04:55Let's have some music as they tell you what then occurred.
05:01So, I clambered up on some crates of Sunny Delight and some Warsaw-packed cases of powdered milk.
05:13As I clambered up to the top shelf with Ruth on my shoulder, I reached up to the tin of
05:20apricots and sadly fell.
05:22And this song illustrates what occurred during that fall.
05:28Mangoes.
05:29Oh, my God.
05:33Oh.
05:49No.
05:51Did you get me?
05:53Did you get me?
06:04thank you ladies and gentlemen I hope you've been entertained
06:19tricky times guys tricky times very very tricky I think for me the moment when a
06:24the Frankfurter came out of the seagull's mouth coming out of the seagull's mouth
06:28that was very difficult who was it okay that was definitely a laugh
06:35I'm okay who knows someone's gone Bob Bobbage
06:42thanks for watching guys that was a ruddy privilege well I mean of course Bob took
06:51someone out reigning champion and all doors oh oh no it might be meeting it
06:58might be me oh my god sitting down like a human relax Jimmy that looked incredibly
07:06tough that was very difficult is the card red or yellow let's take a look oh my god
07:15this is so tense I would like to tell you about a very unusual incident that occurred at Costco in
07:23Croydon I was there with my pet seagull Ruth huh not Diane okay that's a fair cop oh my god
07:37I'm so
07:38sorry you've got to come with me oh my god I can't Kate bye bye everyone bye see you then
07:43well there Diane
07:46doors I mean that was harsh you did very very well I'm glad it was Bob that took me out
07:51though yeah that felt
07:52pretty special it seems fair the seagull called Ruth that's what did it don't know why Ruth is a
07:58funny name for seagull she did laugh oh team five of us left I had 20 quid on you to
08:15win I thought
08:16you were just up so I thought you were absolutely well my money's on Sam look at him he's not
08:20laugh breakable in fairness I don't think Sam understands a lot of what people are saying
08:27so it's a red card for Diane and she's out like what's the phrase out like a hot dog from
08:33a seagull's
08:34mouth yeah that's it you'll notice uh that Bemi is not here Bemi isn't feeling well so she's she's
08:40left the control room oh bless her I think uh suppressing laughter is probably quite hazardous to
08:48one's health I mean gutted that I missed the rest of the game but I am feeling much better now
08:52so let's
08:54restart the game oh here we go okay Maisie who do you think it's going to win I think this
09:04is Sam's
09:05all day all day I mean Romesh is very very good at this I think it's going to be Mel
09:11I think because
09:12of Mel's laughing face is rock solid yeah she can attack because then she just does that yeah yeah
09:19do you throw down you get into the video games what's your relationship with that medium it's
09:24past but very strong at one point do you remember when the Resident Evils came out yeah I used to
09:29do
09:29all the Resident Evil I once came back from a gig everybody was asleep in the house I started playing
09:34that and then I got so freaked out I didn't even I was too scared to even switch the console
09:38off I just
09:39left the controller on the floor and I went to bed they're getting very comfortable with each
09:43other in there so I'm going to send in the show's intimacy coordinators Natasha and Ellie
09:50I used to like bloody hell did anyone else have to enter through a hatch we've been there since
09:5710am there's a door over there I'm sorry but that's not okay right I'm sorry I feel sick I feel
10:03physically sick at that thank you we're listening and we're focusing thank you we are intimacy
10:08coordinators yeah okay do you know what that is so intimacy coordinators we're hired by the show to
10:14come to very toxic work environment a little bit like this we're here to make sure you're all feeling
10:19as safe and comfortable and respected as possible because we all know TV industry can be a little
10:23bit pervy carry on as you are we're just going to be floating around and we're going to pick you
10:30off one by one to have a little one-on-one just to see that you're all feeling okay oh
10:33this is bad
10:34this is bad for me they're like two of the most talented character performers around promise you're
10:40leaving now but we're actually we're going to start with you my darling you're okay my love I was in
10:44a
10:44lot of trouble I was saying to her when I came in I'm a giggler I giggle non-stop yeah
10:50so I wouldn't
10:50last 10 seconds in here but um at the moment I'm fine because quite a few of my family members
10:56died last
11:01week sorry to hear about your family thank you so much you're the first person that said that to me
11:05has he got his parent here they accuse me of being a child even though I am certainly of age
11:16and have
11:16even been to nightclubs we weren't sure that you might not know what intimacy is um do you know what
11:21s-e-x's yeah I think I do just to sort of let you know so the scientific explanation is
11:27um when one
11:28organ one private organ welcomes the other one within it so um if it's a man and woman the vagina
11:34welcomes the penis within it if it's two men and the one penis welcomes the other penis within it
11:40and if it's two women it's actually more of a pat amongst less than a welcoming within
11:47you're quite both quite close if you don't mind me saying okay that's okay we want this to feel
11:51safe so um first things first from mish and there are no wrong answers no nothing to be ashamed
11:57question number one first nice and simple would you consider yourself a pervert
12:07you think about it well no I don't want to just answer straight away yeah yeah yeah I would not
12:12consider myself a pervert no really okay god I had you down as one of the dangerous ones interesting
12:17okay so on a scale of one to ten how aroused are you right now like two good that's good
12:23that's a
12:24good answer how about if I do this is that what is that everything you're doing yeah yeah still two
12:33I'd say okay is there any smutty or naughty language or words you yourself would rather not hear or are
12:39offended by I don't like a lot of the sort of slang terms for female genitalia okay well actually
12:46that's interesting because innuendo is actually okay in the workplace it's a fun safe way of expressing
12:51what you think without being too smutty so for me I like to describe my area is the mouth of
12:56a
13:01screaming seal is he going was that a laugh that was a cough genuinely you weren't covering a laugh
13:08with a cough do you have to be honest at this point I'm honest and you could describe your area
13:14um don't know cheese baguette wrinkled leather pipe gentlemen's factory or dead snake nasty little
13:23sword okay that was the closest I came to getting a card without getting one that was horrific thank
13:36you so can we have you please can we have the child here are you okay darling it's a funny
13:41way of referring
13:41to him I must say I noticed that yes that amused me does your mum know you're here yes she
13:48does is
13:49she okay with that yeah okay have you been not good not good I've been in that hatch for about
13:55since
13:5510 30. you've been in the hatch the whole time though yeah it's been incredibly dry they've treated us
14:00incredibly badly industry is so barbaric it is exactly and that's why we're here you know I just got
14:05asked to host junior naked attraction no you can't do that that's not okay oh my god he's gonna break
14:13them so how's anyone in the house smacked you nothing like that has happened to me and um has
14:22Jimmy Carr touched you in any way he's touched me by staying on top for what is it 40 years
14:27in the
14:28in the business I love that answer I love that that's touched me David David and Mel can we borrow
14:36you please I like sofa chat oh I don't think Mel's gonna stand up well to this so we've been
14:42observing
14:42from our little hatch quite a lot of sexual tension between you two my mom we thought maybe because
14:47you're two both part of double acts and you're without your other half you've maybe been drawn to
14:51each other in a sexual way we have we we have had sex three or four times okay in the
14:59in the locker
14:59room was it a closed set locker three we used Alan sausage well that would be used to drag me
15:06into
15:07it because we know it can be a little bit awkward to discuss sexual fantasies um what's your sexual
15:12fantasy I'd like to know yeah um okay I don't mind saying this in front of you I don't mind
15:18not
15:18listening older man much much older um the older the better I'd say and um I'm in a bowling alley
15:25and um we're doing everything but if you understand what that means and um when I climax I shout strike
15:39all right everyone okay we're just gonna wrap up now we've you've done really really well
15:45I will say that studies show that one in three people are perverts so there is at least one or
15:50two of you in here so good luck yeah can I open up your hatch for you ladies thank you
15:54so much
15:54if you wouldn't mind I think you came through here didn't you yeah thank you so much lovely to see
16:01you
16:10Sam come back
16:20David can you do Geordie absolutely no that is like no way howie give it a gore howie give it
16:29a gore
16:30I'd love to come to Geordie with you give it a gore let's gun and do the medals bra Bob
16:36aye
16:36you're right you sound like you're speaking in tongues there Mel oh I've lost it
16:41how are they going to get these to laugh I don't think anyone's going to go yeah okay this might
16:47help I've got a plan Mel they've got oh hello it's a sofa jobs Bob David you're going to go
16:56head to
16:56head in a special challenge Bob you're going to be David's career advisor you need to get to know
17:02him find out his strengths and weaknesses and try and match him to the perfect job David your life is
17:08in Bob's hands please take your places on the stage good luck guys come on team you've got this the
17:16game
17:16will start and end when the bell rings you don't mind if I jump on that one come on sorry
17:20come on Sam
17:23how old are you David I'm just 15 you must be very nervous then at that age I am I'm
17:29I did okay in my
17:30GCSEs well just relax thank you because I'm your friend trying to yeah you're not a careers advisor
17:37yeah but think of me as a friend okay you're a stout lad
17:46have you ever thought of uh working down the shit farm
17:51the the shit farm the sewage works oh I see yeah because I'm so fat
18:00no because you're stout you think I'd be good for the the work of a sewage works does it appeal
18:06to
18:06you in any way whatsoever I'd like to work in the creative industries please I'm a careers officer
18:11I know nothing of the creative industries do you like digging have you ever buried mud
18:21no is it something that interests you though how would you tell where the buried mud started and
18:27the mud you're burying the mud in ended exactly it's a job that never ends it's a job for life
18:36when you were young did you and and your mother or father said what would you like to be when
18:40you
18:40grow what did you say I am young and I said to them yesterday I want to work in the
18:46creative areas
18:47and they said never mind that go and see this careers advisor and try to think of him as a
18:52friend would you like to design tight trousers yes I would actually ah yeah now we're getting
19:04somewhere because you know the uniforms down at the shit farm are getting increasingly tight
19:13are they trying to make the shit farmers appear sexier a little bit sexier a little bit futuristic but
19:21the job's the same and it's a job for life so I think this has been a great success we'll
19:26send you down the
19:27ship farm thank you very much I mean the head-to-head with David just talking to David it's quite
19:38intimidating and he pulled me up on the accusation that he was stocky he is stocky let's put that on
19:47record if he if in like if he was in like a medieval army he'd have been an archer a
19:52little stocky archer he
19:54knows it anyone for dessert something a bit sweet what you offer him I've actually made something that's
20:02nice I'll get some dessert absolutely I'm really proud of my biscuits and I should forgotten about
20:09them because you do you sort of forget oh my god I've still got something in the locker thought I've
20:14got
20:14to get these in subtly and I think they did actually believe because I just said oh anyone fancy
20:18something sweet drama school training which I don't have I failed to get into drama school
20:27oh it's a little something this looks good little sweetie it's a nice tint they're vegan there there's
20:34no nuts or anything like that how do you know I'm going to try because I made them are these
20:38yours
20:38yeah thank you Mel no worries lovies well these are for real what do you mean I was sure this
20:43was
20:44a trick I think so David yeah those are a bit hairier aren't they some hairier sometimes well
20:54sometimes my biscuits can get a bit hairy what I'd done was three normals on the top then there's a
21:05greaseproof paper and then we reveal the hairy biscuits all right a lot of hair there what Mel why am
21:13I
21:13eating this that is oh look they're covered in hair this one doesn't look so bad no that's quite
21:21hairy what do you think that one's all right I think those are fine I think this one's okay I
21:25think I can eat round it Ron hair free or whiff of a hair I get what you were doing
21:35with the hairy
21:35biscuits but then to actually offer people biscuits and then we start eating them and then underneath
21:40there's a hairy layer I didn't know about that batch had gone a bit wrong I thought Romesh was
21:45quite offended by the fact that he'd eaten a biscuit that it was adjacent to a hairy biscuit we'll never
21:51know where those hairs came from did you know Romesh that Alan sugar is actually 30% candarell Bob don't
22:01do
22:01this to me man we don't do this man none of them are gonna go are they is Sam ever
22:08gonna do his joker he's
22:10not done his joker okay all right all right hello last one laughing could you ask Sam to do his
22:22joker no
22:23problem thank you Sam could you do your joker please hey guys get ready you're about to see a show
22:33what the
22:34hell could it be might just pull his teeth out through his arsehole while Sam's getting ready I've got a
22:40little surprise what does that mean I don't know Romesh please go to the locker room and open the
22:48utilities cupboard hairy biscuit Bob do you want one way hairy biscuits or not I think quite like the look
23:06come on that see oh hi Romesh no no no come back come back look can Romesh come to the
23:13utilities
23:13locker and then I do that and then this is Jimmy car glory hole looking at me look your manager
23:19won't
23:19let me anywhere near you Park I want to pitch you some ideas for shows like you know how you're
23:24always
23:24doing shows with your mum right I just thought it'd be cool if you did a show with my mum
23:29it's just you
23:29sort of traveling around with an urn I've got another great idea Jimmy and Romesh is cannon fodder
23:39we travel around Britain but everywhere we go we're fired from a cannon
23:51what about Jimmy and Romesh is naked attraction we take off our clothes and see if we're attracted to
23:58each other oh hello sailor something's going on there I think something happened in there what the
24:20frick that was very intense and yeah maybe it all played out in that room what happened Rob's I'm done
24:32what hello that was bullshit man how's that bullshit I just had some ideas for shows I mean look can
24:46I be
24:47honest with you I thought what happened to me was unfair there's jokers there's head-to-heads nowhere
24:52did it say Jimmy car will emerge as a surprise from a cupboard let's have a look at the replay
24:57all
24:58right last idea right Jimmy and Romesh is naked attraction we take off our clothes and see if we're
25:04attracted to each other that's mean oh that's really hard
25:16that's really hard oh dear with the little face in the circle it was like it was like a sniper
25:23it
25:23was so out of order yeah oh man Rom come with me see you um and then there were four
25:32okay
25:32oh my god yeah yeah see you soon love you brother see you soon take care good luck doors and
25:38good luck
25:39see ya come on Rog I I fully concede that was a dick move it was a dick move I'm
25:45gonna say this
25:46generally Jimmy car doesn't like me he's a prick put that in the trailer
26:02well thank God Romesh laughed otherwise I would have been forced into phase two of the glory hole
26:07item okay I think we're all in for a little treat okay Sam's Joker let's restart the game let's laugh
26:17please I don't know if we're not now we were can't imagine what he's honestly I think we could
26:28all have a hundred guesses and none of us yeah no we're off all is well a damn good laugh
26:34yes oh my
26:38oh my god here we go oh my lord hello what is this
26:58now listen here today's the day I've invited father personal around for a cup of tea and I'm
27:05going to have to ask you to behave father Percival cup of tea father Percival is a man of the
27:11cloth
27:11an important man you're gonna have to keep your beak shut remember last week when I stubbed my toe
27:18I cannot have you repeating any of the foul language I uttered in error as it would make him very
27:26very
27:27shocked promise you must because if father Percival were to hear such things I may be moved to another
27:34diocese so you must promise me big shot promise ah coming father Percival now you keep your beak
27:46shut and I'll bring you cuttlefish galore father Toby trust you are well what a beautiful word can he speak
27:57not usually he mostly he mostly just sits there being very polite god I'm tired I was up all night
28:06fucking these two ladies from the parish I beg your pardon they both were biddos and they have
28:16to fucking huge bazookas father Percival I could have watched a bit more yeah I could have it's brilliant yeah
28:41first picker was fabulous I nearly went in that one
28:46with the first vicar he was very droll I was okay with Sam as a bird it kind of seems
28:53yeah of course
28:54Sam's a bird nothing unusual nothing to see here really I like the term bazookas bazookas was excellent
29:01well it feels like it's wrong because bazookas are sort of that they're more phallic aren't they the bosoms
29:08I go do such bosoms exist they do yeah yeah they do would you like to fire like an RPG
29:14or bazooka yes
29:15I'd like to would you fire a vicar or just a mattress or something I'd fire randomly Bob good possibly
29:23in
29:23the leatherhead area nice Mel's playing Mel is not going out without a fight I think Mel is a silent
29:33assassin yeah I think she is so what's this what has been happening okay I may applaud you though
29:48yeah good is the bird I liked you have good legs oh thanks David not realistically avian which is a
29:55good thing in legs is he on a sedative he's so dazed Sam and he's like one of those pigeons
30:02that flies
30:02into a patio doors okay we're running out of time I'm going in you're going in iron man can iron
30:11up
30:12to ten shirts in five minutes doors we've only got 40 minutes left by that time I thought no one
30:25was
30:25ever gonna laugh again so we're gonna go sudden death going to sudden death I felt okay this is a
30:31proper
30:31contest if you laugh you're out okay oh wow the stakes are high if anyone laughs it's a red card
30:38oh
30:43tune in next week for another crazy episode
30:49do it in a rap way David that was in a rap way
30:54David have you ever dropped a bible you should have asked that six hours ago this thing on
30:58do you want to have a waltz with me Bob I don't know what's going on this makes a lot
31:05more sense
31:07it's extremely funny Sam's gonna try and finish him off it's come down to this
31:12you've both played an incredible game no oh my god
31:39you've both played an incredible game no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
31:42no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
31:42no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
31:42no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
31:42no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
31:43no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
31:43no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
31:44no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
31:44no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
31:44no no no no
32:19We're right back.
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