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01:02Oh, wow.
01:05It's an own goal for Alan Carter.
01:08Oh, I knew it was that bloody sausage.
01:11It was so good, though.
01:15Oh, God.
01:17I knew the sausage machine would be my downfall.
01:20Then my eye looked over to Pat Noodle, and then I was just gone.
01:24OK, so that's seven of you on yellow cards.
01:28So, Sam, you don't have a yellow card.
01:29David, you don't have a yellow card.
01:31Unbelievably, Mel, you don't have a yellow card.
01:34Teetering.
01:36OK, I'm going back in.
01:37I'm restarting the game.
01:38OK.
01:39Doors.
01:41I mean, this is a very, very strong team.
01:46So, it's yellow cards for Alan and Romesh, and all it took was a sausage machine firing out raw meat
01:52at a lady called Pat Noodle.
01:53Simple, really.
01:55OK, let's restart the game.
02:01Well done.
02:02Well done, Alan.
02:03OK.
02:04I loved that game, and the shoe business was excellent.
02:08Thank you, thank you.
02:09We've all bitten down on a shoe when trying to curl one out.
02:13Yep.
02:29Anyone care for a freshened-up buffet?
02:31Thanks, this is an amazing spread.
02:33I even have just had a whole one out, a bit more.
02:36What is the calorific intake on this show?
02:38They've not stopped eating.
02:40It must be nice for them.
02:42There are allowed snacks in there, aren't they?
02:45I don't want any, anyway.
02:46I'm glad when you said to me there's no snacks, I said, I don't even want any.
02:49What are your favourite mates, Alan?
02:53Tongue.
02:54Tongue.
02:55Tongue.
02:55Who's tongue?
02:56Anyone's tongue.
02:57Tongue of cow.
02:59Human tongue.
03:00Human tongue.
03:00Is your favourite mate?
03:02You've got temptation in your mouth at all times.
03:05Bob.
03:05Oh, this is...
03:06The human tongue's got them.
03:08And we've got quite a big tongue, if you don't mind me saying.
03:10Yeah, yeah, it's quite girthy.
03:11I've got a long tongue.
03:12I've got a well-hung tongue.
03:14A well-hung tongue.
03:17Who's got the longest tongue here?
03:19Sam's got a long tongue.
03:21Sam, bless you.
03:21Can we see it?
03:26What the hell?
03:28What?
03:28What?
03:29Do that again, Sam.
03:31What just happened?
03:32What was going on there?
03:33Do that again, Sam, please, slower.
03:35Is that actually your tongue?
03:38Why are you cuffing at half the tongue?
03:40Well, I'm worried.
03:41Is it a trick?
03:42It can't be his tongue, though.
03:42It's a magic trick.
03:43That can't be his tongue.
03:44You can't have a tongue.
03:45Who has a spare tongue?
03:48If there's tongue talk, the tongue comes out.
03:53Drinks orders.
03:54Drinks orders.
03:55I'd have a glass of rosé or a...
03:57I'll have a rosé.
03:58Rosé?
03:58Anyone else for rosé?
03:59Yeah, I think I will.
04:01Three rosés.
04:01Rosé team?
04:03Can I get some scallops?
04:07If you're doing scallops, I'll have some of yours.
04:09Two scallops, yeah.
04:11Thanks, Mel.
04:12Rummers, did you want a something or other?
04:13Rummers?
04:14You wanted a glass of rosé?
04:15Yeah, I'll have a glass of rosé.
04:16So we get a bottle of rosé.
04:17I don't know how to do this, but I'll see what I can do.
04:22Mel.
04:23Oh, hello.
04:24I just wondered if we might be able to possibly have a bottle of rosé.
04:28Yeah, no problem at all.
04:30That's really kind, and a few glasses.
04:33She'll be all right.
04:34You're really kind.
04:35Thank you so much.
04:36No, I'm not, but yeah.
04:37Bye.
04:38Bye.
04:40So you can phone out.
04:42You can phone out.
04:44Thank you, and just this.
04:46My angelic page.
04:47Yeah.
04:47I could jump.
04:48Oh.
04:50Er, Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:52Mel.
04:53Mel.
04:54Mel.
04:56Absolutely shabba rank.
04:59Yes.
05:01Oh, what's happened here?
05:05What the hell?
05:08We have had a laugh, and no-one else was involved.
05:12They've done this to themselves.
05:14Doors.
05:15Nothing happened here.
05:17Oh, here we go.
05:17What?
05:19What?
05:19Can't be.
05:21We have had a laugh.
05:23What?
05:24And this was, I mean, you talk about own goals.
05:27This is just someone taking themselves out for no good reason.
05:31Let's have a look.
05:38Mel.
05:39Mel.
05:40Mel!
05:41Mel.
05:42Mel!
05:43Mel!
05:44Melvis Presley!
05:46What the hell were you thinking?
05:48Mel Mel Mel.
05:48You burped yourself out.
05:52The viewers at home will watch that and go,
05:54that audio, they've done something to that audio.
05:56That's genuinely the noise your body made.
05:59I'm really sorry.
06:01It's all the flumps and everything and the crisps.
06:04Don't blame the flumps.
06:06It's a yellow card.
06:07How basic is it to laugh at your own burp?
06:12Rookie error.
06:14Some of you are going to be joining myself and Roisin very, very soon.
06:17I'll restart the game.
06:19So Mel's incredible burp brought her down.
06:21A yellow card for her and a suggestion.
06:24Maybe a bottle of gavis gone.
06:29While you were away, someone came in and opened a bag of popcorn
06:32and then ate someone.
06:33I told them we weren't allowed it, so they've gone now.
06:37Got to have more control over these people.
06:39We've ate on yellow cards.
06:43Let's restart the game.
06:46Oh, here we go.
06:47Here we go.
06:52One more strike.
06:53One more strike.
06:56Has anyone got a weird crush?
06:58Weird crush?
06:59Gordon Ramsay.
07:01When he starts shouting, I really like it.
07:03Yeah.
07:04I used to fancy the Jack of Clubs.
07:07You know, in the pack of cards.
07:11Good looking.
07:12Mmm, he was good looking.
07:14If we're going there, Mufasa.
07:17Really?
07:18Mufasa is Saxa.
07:20Yeah.
07:21Officer Dibble.
07:22Hello.
07:23Dibble was hot.
07:24Officer Dibble?
07:25Officer Dibble from Topcat.
07:26Oh, man.
07:27How can you fancy the Popo?
07:31I've never heard or thought of Officer Dibble as the Popo.
07:36No, but technically, correct.
07:40It's a crop.
07:42Oh.
07:43Hello.
07:43Something is...
07:44Oh, yes.
07:44Something's going to happen.
07:47Judy Finnegan, guys.
07:48It's Judy Finnegan.
07:49Oh, imagine!
07:50That would be amazing.
07:53Hello, everyone.
07:54Now, David and Sam, you don't have yellow cards,
07:57so you're going to go head-to-head in a special challenge.
08:00I know comedians hate showing off,
08:02so this is going to be really tough for you.
08:04You have to take in turns to say something impressive about yourself,
08:07so this is a chance to boast about your greatest achievements.
08:12Please take your places at the table.
08:14The game starts and ends when the bell rings.
08:17Go, guys.
08:18Go, guys.
08:21OK.
08:23OK.
08:26Put it there.
08:28Say something impressive about me.
08:31I have good tenacity and I think I'm strong-willed.
08:35I have occasional attention to detail.
08:38Well, I have a girlfriend.
08:40I have a wife.
08:43My first kiss was actually on a castle in Guildford.
08:49I look forward to my first kiss.
08:56I have a lot of mates, a lot of great mates.
08:59I was a finalist in the Rotary Club public speaking competition in 1991 or 1992.
09:05I mean, this is at school, but I did very well in the cross-country.
09:09I appreciate cheese and am able to show it.
09:17I am good at swimming and I would actually even drop with a pass lane.
09:23I won't tolerate stale biscuits.
09:29I won't tolerate bigotry.
09:32I will tolerate bigotry in order to influence people.
09:38Oh, I've got a printer.
09:40I've got a laptop that can connect to my wife's printer.
09:45Oh, my wife's printer.
09:47The David Mitchell story.
09:49Ah!
09:51Ah!
09:53I have a very loud voice when I need to.
09:57Do you shout?
09:58I can shout very loudly.
10:01I challenge you to a small mini-challenge within this challenge, which is a shout.
10:04A shout-off.
10:05You'd like me to shout?
10:06We both get to shout one thing at each other.
10:07OK, right.
10:09The challenge has got a spin-off.
10:11Who can shout for longest?
10:14You start there and we start every step toward each other shouting.
10:17OK, ready?
10:18One, two, three.
10:19Ah!
10:42What is this house?
10:45Who, Diane Morgan?
10:49It felt like you needed that, David.
10:51I think it helped.
10:52Although, I think my voice may be different forever.
10:56LAUGHTER
10:58That was one of my favourite parts so far.
11:00I enjoyed looking into your screaming face.
11:03I can't believe we didn't get anyone on that.
11:05Yeah.
11:05I mean, there's a reason those two don't have yellows.
11:08Lovely work.
11:08Great work, guys.
11:09Really good.
11:10Very good.
11:10I think the world would be surprised that it was David who had the loudest scream.
11:15You wouldn't have put much money on that.
11:17He's an animal.
11:19We didn't know.
11:24When I went to Mexico, I got Montezuma's Revenge, so I had, I OD'd on Imodium and basically
11:32had to have a C-section to do a shit.
11:37That's...
11:39That's full on.
11:40Yeah.
11:41That's bad.
11:42That's really bad.
11:43Yeah.
11:43Did you have a book in a diet and stuff?
11:45Yeah, yeah.
11:46And a gender reveal.
11:50Let's see.
11:51Yeah.
11:55Did they show it to you?
11:57Did you keep it?
12:01Were you proud?
12:04Was it like people say, don't they, about birth?
12:07They say, it's like...
12:08It's just emotional for me.
12:09It's emotional because that's actually my child.
12:12Oh, Alan.
12:13Alan.
12:14Alan.
12:15Oh, it's good.
12:16It's good.
12:18Just diary.
12:21It's got problems, hasn't it?
12:22It's weakening.
12:23No.
12:24No, it's just emotional for me because that's my child you're talking about.
12:28Yeah.
12:28Your poo child.
12:34You do a fair bit of acting, don't you?
12:37Mm.
12:37You do quite a lot of that.
12:38Mm.
12:40I've got an audition.
12:42Oh, yeah.
12:43Next week.
12:43But I find them really scary.
12:45Do you?
12:45Yeah.
12:46Unnerving.
12:47I've got the luck.
12:48Do you want to run...
12:48Would you run through it with me?
12:50Yeah.
12:50Is that okay?
12:50Absolutely.
12:53Let's have a look.
12:57You're Jack, if that's okay.
12:58Interior, quiet rural cafe.
13:00Jack, a handsome British man in mid-20s, is working behind the counter.
13:04Enter Hannah, an American businesswoman in her early 30s.
13:08Hi.
13:08What can I get you?
13:09Oh, I'm still deciding.
13:11Hold on a second.
13:12That's really good.
13:13Is that good?
13:14Yeah.
13:14Her phone rings and she takes it out her bag.
13:17She takes a deep breath and answers calmly.
13:19Look, Steve, now ain't a good time.
13:22You know how important this case is to me, and I can't think about us right now.
13:28She pauses to hear Steve's reply.
13:30She nods understandingly.
13:34You might want to work on that nod a bit.
13:36The nod?
13:37Yeah.
13:39She puts her phone away and glances back at Jack, who has already prepared her coffee.
13:44Got you an Americano, because I think I detected an accent.
13:48Hannah rolls her eyes and laughs to herself.
13:54Not a laugh.
13:55I think that's risky business.
13:58I think you've got it in the bag.
13:59You reckon?
14:00Nothing to worry about.
14:01The only thing, I'd say that nod was a bit big.
14:03What would you go for?
14:07Yeah, that's it.
14:08Your accent's amazing.
14:10Cheers, Di.
14:13These are serious players.
14:15I think we need another joker.
14:17I'm out.
14:18I'm out.
14:19Here we go.
14:23Hello, last one laughing.
14:24Er, Romesh, could you go and play your joker, please?
14:27Sure thing.
14:28Bye-bye.
14:29Has the booze arrived?
14:30No.
14:32What?
14:33What?
14:34What did they say?
14:35You can't just keep it to yourself.
14:37This is the most deadpan group of people.
14:39I can't believe they're all still in there.
14:41They're not breaking.
14:42OK, we're going to have to get strict now.
14:44That's where it's not.
14:48Oh, straight in there.
14:49Okie dokie.
14:50Hello.
14:51Just to start off, I'm going to give you these, but could you not open them?
14:54Yeah, please.
15:02Let's go, Romesh.
15:05Oh, exciting.
15:06So, please don't look at the envelopes until I say, a lot of my comedy comes from taking ownership of
15:12some of the hardest things I've had to deal with, whether it's my bonky eye, how much I depend on
15:17my mum for a career, or even how long I remained a virgin.
15:23I had to face a lot of criticism that I rely too much on jokes about my eye.
15:27Online, one person actually said, if he had two straight eyes, he'd be driving a taxi.
15:34But what people don't know is actually that a little part of me dies every time I mention my weaknesses
15:39in a room of people.
15:40It gets laughs, sure, but it still hurts.
15:43So, given you guys can't laugh, I thought I would detail some of the things that I found the hardest.
15:48Here are some examples of the things I've got called.
15:51Gozy-eyed, crock-eyed, gammy-eyed, shitty-eyed, eyed-eyed.
15:57And this is probably the worst one.
16:02Cookie Monster.
16:04Cookie Monster.
16:19Things then quietened down, and I learned to make those jokes first, but I wasn't ready for what happened in
16:252007.
16:26Tony Blair stood down, and this man became Prime Minister.
16:34Can anybody guess what my nickname was in the late noughties?
16:38Gordon.
16:39It was Gordon Very, Very Brown.
16:49I hope that the status of becoming a teacher would change things.
16:52Some kids called me Mr. Rajabaga Bing Bong, which I thought was racist, but the head said all the vowels
17:00made it sound plausibly Sri Lankan.
17:05A career in the public eye came next.
17:08And via the horror of social media, I found myself in the eye of the storm as TV appearances held
17:14another volley of horrible comments.
17:17Cameraman's nightmare.
17:18He needs his mum there for directions.
17:21His eyes are on more channels than he is.
17:25Not only that, but people made unflattering racial comparisons to other comedians.
17:40My therapist says, the final stage of my healing is to allow you to say those things.
17:45So when I point at you, what I'd like you to do is open your envelope, take it in, and
17:49then I would like you to say the insult to my face.
18:02Even he can't see things from his own perspective.
18:16He'd need the Death Star to give him laser eye surgery.
18:30He's got the worst eye since Isis.
18:43He got jizz in that eye from whoever he had to suck off to get on TV.
18:50He's got the worst eye.
18:50Maisie straight in.
18:52Not even a bit of a mercy.
18:53Nothing to Maisie.
19:07his wife's eyes must be more fucked than his
19:15and finally
19:35his eye looks
19:39his eye looks like a grape in a tumble dryer
19:51thank you so much for taking the time to sort of
19:54share that and i certainly found it useful and i hope you did too
19:57thank you very much guys i appreciate it
20:06brave that was brave
20:08i felt bad for romesh and i've had that myself you know people have said horrible things about me
20:13you know said my smile's like a bombed out village and stuff like that and someone said if i grew
20:18a
20:19moustache it looked like stonehenge had a thatched roof
20:22what was yours again alan can't remember now
20:29let's have it again yeah it's my favorite once more with feeling
20:35you can really picture the grape can't you
20:38bubbling around i it makes me feel
20:41no but no but that will help that will help
20:44heal from it
20:49his eyes
20:53looks like
21:00that's a laugh it's a weird noise but it was a laugh
21:02yep
21:05whoa
21:06what
21:07uh-oh
21:08what
21:09doors
21:12oh god
21:14i think it might be me guys
21:16we have had a laugh
21:21please
21:22his eyes
21:26looks like
21:31oh
21:33oh
21:33oh
21:34oh
21:34oh
21:34oh
21:34oh
21:35oh
21:44yeah yeah you are
21:45but maybe you have to come and watch with me but
21:48you don't have to go on your own
21:51Have a look. We've had another laugh.
21:56Let's have it again.
21:59You can really picture the grape, can't you?
22:05We're being incredibly strict now.
22:08And you lot pushed me to do that again.
22:11Had to happen, Alan.
22:12OK, that's one for you, Bermie. One for you, Alan. You'll come with me. Come on.
22:16Dawson, guys!
22:20I didn't get the first red card.
22:22It was a joint first red card.
22:24And technically, Alan Carr, alphabetically, is higher up.
22:28So, first, but, like, second to Alan.
22:32Bermie gets the first red card. She's out first.
22:35First red to Bermie.
22:37Oh, and Alan's out as well. But Bermie first.
22:42Please come in, take a seat. You are free to laugh.
22:46How did you find it in there?
22:47I couldn't control my face. There's so many funny people.
22:50Oh, your facial expressions.
22:51It was only a matter of time. You know what my face...
22:53I knew I'd be the first or second out or whatever.
22:56I thought I'd last longer.
22:58I mean, I lasted long, actually.
23:00It's just everyone else is so good.
23:03Right, team, things are going to get really frickin' tense.
23:08They haven't restarted, have they?
23:12Yeah, get it out.
23:17OK, should we restart?
23:18Yes.
23:19OK, let's go.
23:21I thought...
23:21Oh, jeez.
23:22Oh, this is thick and fast.
23:25I'm not ready for this.
23:27I might just get on the phone for some more booze.
23:30Lager, please.
23:36Have you been to a hem party, David?
23:37Only professionally, obviously.
23:40Professionally?
23:40Yeah.
23:41Have you...
23:41What?
23:41You've been booked for a...
23:42You've been booked for a hem party?
23:43You've been booked for a hen do?
23:44Yeah.
23:45When I was younger and more...
23:47As a stripper?
23:49No, as a sort of, you know, a waiter just in a thong.
23:52No.
23:53I can believe that you would be a stripper.
23:56I can't believe that you would wit on someone.
23:58It's difficult to take that as a compliment.
24:02It's so nice to laugh.
24:04It's so nice.
24:06OK, it's time to bring a bit of class to proceedings, isn't it?
24:08OK.
24:09All right.
24:10Where is mine?
24:12David.
24:13Oh, hello.
24:13I might have talked to my mother.
24:16Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
24:22Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
24:29Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
24:34Oh!
24:36Oh!
24:36Wow!
24:39This should be fun.
24:41Dawes.
24:43I see you've all met my chiropodist.
24:46Please, take a seat up here.
24:47We have a singing challenge now.
24:50Now I would be out.
24:51Yeah, we'd be out now. I don't feel so bad now.
24:53OK, it's actually fairly easy.
24:54All you've got to do is sing this.
25:03You bastard.
25:04OK, just sing that one, I point to you.
25:06Amy.
25:09David.
25:21Ah, aah, aah, aah, aah.
25:24Ah, aah, aah, aah, aah.
25:33Dan.
25:42Brownish.
25:54Mel's got to go, surely.
25:58Mel.
26:07Sam.
26:18Bob.
26:26Maisie's gone, come on!
26:28Maisie's gone!
26:29Come on!
26:30She's crying!
26:31Maisie?
26:43It's a very, very...
26:44That was very strong.
26:45It's a very moving piece of music.
26:47Roisin, could you hit the red button for me?
26:49Yes, Jimmy.
26:50Oh, my God, Maisie!
26:56Yeah, who was it?
26:58Who was it?
27:01I think you know who it was.
27:03Okay, let's have a look at the replay.
27:06Bob.
27:06Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oohh, oohh, oohh.
27:11Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oohh, ooh, oohh.
27:14Maisie.
27:18Maisie.
27:18Oh, my God.
27:19Oh, Maisie!
27:21Oh, Maisie.
27:22I'm sorry.
27:23I think you were laughing a bit. Yeah, just a little bit
27:29So Maisie it's a red card for you. Sorry Maisie. We've also had a smile
27:38Take a look
27:40Oh
27:49We are being strict at this stage of the game, so I've got to give you a red card. Okay
27:56Well, it's a smile or a laugh. That's the game. Yeah, I mean, I've got I came across that such
28:02a knock then
28:03Mal sometimes it's nice to hold a glass rather than suck it to your face. I sucked it so hard.
28:08I couldn't actually get it off then
28:10I'm supposed to worry
28:12She sucked it so hard. She couldn't get it off
28:17I'm at his hand you get ahead in show business
28:23I was annoyed with myself for letting that slip I thought I'd got away with it then just when you
28:29think you're safe
28:30the spectre of Jimmy Carr returns
28:34It's all over
28:36So that's red cards for Amy and Maisie four down six to go who will be the next to crack?
28:43Here we are look at it. That was a tough one. I went so red. I thought it was I
28:47thought I was gonna pass out
28:49You're not meant to repress it. No natural. I knew I was out when I started to see stars
28:53All right, let's restart the game
28:55Yeah
29:03Can you give me three favorite things and I'll judge them three favorite what do you like cheese?
29:10Well, here's the thing. I don't really eat cheese, but I can I can do it off memory if you
29:14like there was a time when you
29:16Adore cheeses. Yeah your third cheese
29:21Smoked cheddar
29:26Sorry at number two
29:28Wensleydale
29:33Sorry rom and at number one for you danish blue
29:41You love that one yeah what great cheese is a great cheese
29:48Sorry to interrupt chaps something something from the buffet sorry to interrupt with a slightly loud voice
29:54I'll not take anything thank you
29:56Something from the buffet
29:57Cracker and a guac
29:58Crack-a-mole as we're calling it yeah, I mean combo the two or a nice little tomato
30:02I'm fine with a mozzarella looking underneath do you like a mozzarella Bob?
30:08Or a cucumber Bob
30:11No, I'm gonna say just dipping into the guac-a-mole
30:13Dippy dippy dips in the guac-a-mole
30:18Dippy dippy dips in the guac-a-mole
30:24Dippy dippy dips in the guac-a-mole
30:43Hello last one laughing oh hi romish could you get Bob to go and prepare his joker no problem thank
30:48you
30:50Bob could you prepare your joker please oh hello sailor right now
30:55It's belt-and-braces time I fear this could be a problem for people
31:00Oh Christ this could be the end for some of us
31:03Let's clench up because this is going to be a very very rough and difficult ride
31:08Oh my god
31:11Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage
31:15Shit
31:19We are intimacy coordinators yeah you're a stout lad
31:25You're about to see a show
31:27Hairier
31:29Oh wow the stakes are high a little bit sexier a little bit futuristic is the card red or yellow
31:36oh my god this is so tense
31:41Nice and simple would you consider yourself a pervert
31:58I'm
31:59One
32:02Go
32:03Go
32:04Go
32:06Go
32:07Go
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