00:02you will not believe what happened at laser tag last night people freaked out because a creepy
00:08man in a suit wouldn't leave their kids alone no well yeah pretty much
00:26my office now crap disorderly gameplay three counts of shoving and now this stinson you're
00:37a liability i know i don't play by your precious rules mccracken but damn it i get results look
00:45you're a good laser tag player maybe the best i've ever seen but one of these days you're gonna get
00:51someone hurt maybe even yourself you just forget what it's like out there you've had your fat ass
00:57stuck behind that desk for too long that's it you're out of here stinson hand in your gun your
01:02id badge with pleasure please don't do this this game is all i got and i've almost got enough tickets
01:13for the remote control helicopter please i can't believe i'm doing this i'm gonna give you one last
01:23shot but so help me if you so much as step one toe out of line you're gonna be playing
01:30duck hunt in
01:31your mama's basement so fast it's gonna make your head spin now get out of here
01:39you won't regret this
01:47whoa that's it stinson you're banned for life
02:13i can't believe you got kicked out of laser tag what are you gonna do what am i gonna do
02:17what am i gonna do i'll tell you what ted and i are gonna do we're gonna break in after
02:23hours and
02:24tp the place barney we are too old to cover a place in toilet paper just because they won't
02:31let you play laser tag and for that matter we're too old for laser tag ted laser tag knows no
02:37age
02:37restrictions kind of like stripping in the midwest whatever i'm adding laser tag to the murtall list
02:44oh geez not the murtall list what's the murtall list the murtall list is something that came into
02:49being around the time i turned 30. it all started with your uncle marshall's beer bong
02:56when we were in our early 20s every time we had a party that beer bong came out
03:00and around the time we turned 30 same thing of course in our early 20s the next day would go
03:05like
03:06this but by the time we were 30 the next day would go like this then one day in the
03:15throes of the worst
03:15hangover of my life i realized there was only one person in the world that i could relate to
03:21detective roger murtaugh played by danny glover in the 80s noir masterpiece lethal weapon known for
03:27his oft-quoted catchphrase i'm too old for this stuff he he said i'm too old for this stuff
03:34it's sad to admit but as you get older there's just certain things you can't do anymore that's
03:38why i have this list so i never make the mistake of thinking that i can still pull an all
03:42-nighter
03:42oh i'm too old for that stuff or eat an entire pizza in one sitting i'm too old for that
03:50stuff
03:51or hang posters on your wall without frames rigs rigs i'm too old for that stuff by the way how
04:01good is lethal weapon uh i don't know it's kind of a rip off old guy paired up with a
04:06young renegade
04:06cop sound familiar mackleroy and lafleur don't tell me you guys have never seen mackleroy and lafleur
04:16it's the greatest canadian action movie of all time mackleroy is a young renegade mountie whose
04:22horse was just killed by evil americans while lafleur his grouchy old african canadian partner just
04:28bought a cozy ice fishing shack in northern alberta now this is right now i gotta go bye
04:35baby have fun at practice practice isn't he doing that one man band thing again because that was a
04:41bummer actually marshall had just taken over his coach for lily's kindergarten basketball team
04:47he thought it'd be fun but lily sought us something more dad practice hi hey oh my gosh orange slices
04:56that
04:56is so sweet what are you doing here i couldn't resist i wanted to see coach marshmallow do his
05:01thing oh okay hey kids who wants to knock off early and have some of these here orange slices
05:09yeah well you can't because oranges are for winners and you little turds haven't even made a single shot
05:18yet you're embarrassing yourselves you're embarrassing miss aldrin and worst of all
05:23you're embarrassing me that's it suicides baseline now run
05:32ted there is not a single thing on here that you are too old to do
05:37in fact if you did everything on the murtall list i'd call that a pretty fun weekend
05:41barney you are not 18 anymore if you did everything on that list you would die
05:47that wasn't challenge accepted in the next 24 hours i'm going to do every single thing on this list
05:55and after i do you will tp the laser tag place with me and if you can't do it i
06:01will spend three hours
06:03listening to you talk about architecture you have got yourself a deal robin will you do the honors
06:10a gentleman's agreement huzzah all right chunks let's do this barney
06:18you really want to make this bet with him you know how he is robin there is some pretty tough
06:23stuff on that list do you really think barney's gonna get his ear pierced get ear pierced check
06:30all right i'm off to go do laundry at mom's house
06:39you guys mind if i crash on your futon tonight we don't have a futon put it over there boys
06:44what's going on it's on the murtall list crash on a friend's futon instead of getting a hotel room
06:50i am too old for that stuff what's going on with your ear looks like the inside of a jack
06:56-o-lantern on
06:56november 3rd what this uh it's just a little infection nothing a young guy like me can't shake
07:02off plus put off going to the doctor on the list oh hold on go for bar keep running you
07:16know what's
07:16funny is i was supposed to come here to teach them do not stop running but this whole time
07:23they've been the ones who are teaching me hey that's not running that's falling
07:33the next morning barney woke up on the futon in our living room
07:44check drinking shots with strangers check you okay barney it looks like you hurt your back oh nice
07:52it's rocking a party hunch i like it closer to my booze to youth
08:08i get a straw i must say there's something admirable about the way barney wants to stay young at heart
08:14i mean who wants to get old this guy robin life is a meal and old age is the dessert
08:22i spend so much
08:24my time worrying about the future you know where's my career going who am i going to marry but when
08:28you're old you don't worry because all that stuff's already happened plus you get to wear comfy shoes and
08:34a chair takes you up and down the stairs it's perfect that's not perfect that's pathetic you
08:39can't just jump to the end the journey is the best part oh robin i used to feel that way
08:44too but you'll
08:45understand when you're a little bit older marshall can you try not to pick on the kids today i'm not
08:53picking on the kids lily i'm picking on the culture of losing around here i i gotta get them in
08:58shape if
08:58you're gonna win that game tomorrow win we don't keep score what we don't keep score you don't keep
09:10what's the point of playing if you don't keep score how do you know
09:13lily what were you doing with this team before i got here i was coaching them
09:19that's it my little angels you're all luminous wonderful beings of light what's the score it's
09:26all tied up at fun to fun because that's the point of playing to have fun no the point of
09:34playing is to
09:35win the trophy and if you don't know who's winning who gets the trophy everyone it's a participation
09:42trophy everyone gets one it's like you're speaking chinese to me right now
09:50hi this is barney and robin we can't answer the phone right now because he's watching sports and
09:54i'm probably out shopping leave a message and we'll call you back just as soon as we can
10:02leave an annoying two-person message on your answering machine check
10:07probably gonna cost me some dates but it's okay barney your ears starting to smell nah it's good
10:15yeah i hate to send it back but you did describe the turkey as extremely lean and well you tell
10:21me
10:23all right that's it we have our own list what this is a list of things you're too young to
10:29do
10:29go out and do each one of these things and then tell me you still want to be an old
10:33man
10:35remove colonoscopy and have sex with an old lady and this is a kick walk
10:40new stakes then if i can finish your list before you finish mine you have to come with me to
10:45tp laser
10:46tag and you have to buy the toilet paper and none of that biodegradable crap i want it up there
10:51forever fine but if i finish your list first it's a six-hour survey of early 20th century american
10:57architecture and you can never do anything on the mertall list ever again for your own good
11:02you sir have got yourself a deal a gentleman's agreement
11:10marshall they're in kindergarten this isn't how you teach basketball
11:15sure it is the way i learned are you kidding me what kind of sociopath taught you this way
11:24come on dad i'm tired sleep is for winners you can go to bed when you score a basket i'm
11:30trying oh let's
11:31give you two points for trying what negative two points for having a great big head
11:37my father gave me no quarter and i asked for no quarter
11:44i totally got to call that guy keep stretching
11:53put on reading glasses check yell at neighborhood kids my pleasure
12:02hey hey what the hell happened to you oh i just had a very minor blew out my knee and
12:08it hurts like
12:09hell incidents how'd you blow out your knee we uh helped someone move out of a six-floor walk-up
12:14in
12:14exchange for pizza and beer or we helped someone rob a six-floor walk-up they were in a big
12:19hurry and
12:19left all the pictures behind what is it counts now i am off to dye my hair a funny color
12:27and then we
12:28are going to go to a rave oh four o'clock supper time okay so your dad was tough on
12:36you that stinks
12:37but you don't have to be like him you can learn from his mistakes mistakes lily scoreboard the guy
12:45nailed it okay he taught me how to be a winner that's what i'm teaching these kids and for that
12:50matter that's what i'm gonna teach our kids someday okay that's it this is not how we're gonna raise our
12:56kids and this is not how you're gonna coach this team at tomorrow's game if you are anything less
13:02than a teddy bear stuffed with cotton candy and rainbows i will silent treatment your ass into the
13:08ground you'll think the time i found your internet search history was a freaking picnic aren't we clear
13:16willie there are many different are we clear
13:24you know what's ironic is that now
13:34just call ted i want to go home i'm calling him but it's 4 30 in the morning he's not
13:41going to be awake
13:41up at four check is he answering i haven't dialed oh please hurry robin
13:51oh perfect take forever to answer the phone
13:59come on ted someone gave me some aspirin and i don't think it was aspirin
14:10check
14:12so i know that i have been a little tough on you for the past couple days and i apologize
14:19for that
14:21so today we're not going to worry about winning we're going to go out there and have fun
14:29kids over the years your uncle marshall has told and retold the story of this game hundreds of
14:34times and in reality the kids on that other team were probably only a grade older but in telling and
14:39retelling the story they came to look like this
14:53yay way to let them score that easily oh now you're sitting down awesome
15:04addison it's not soccer you don't kick the ball
15:09unless that's something that you think is fun in which case great job having fun
15:18oh that was a foul wasn't a ref my name's not ref it's kenny and watch your tone oh no
15:23tone kenny
15:24great job kenny thanks a lot kenny see you later kenny all right varney as your manager i am throwing
15:32in the towel this bet is over your ear looks like a free danish at a continental breakfast
15:37oh no no one thing left beer bone oh coming right up huh oh i uh found these weird russian
15:49beers in
15:50the basement russian beers i'll take a brewski hey brewski get it yeah it's uh it's a little warm
16:00i hope that's not a problem oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no
16:07no no no no no no no no no
16:08i don't mind ted you win i hate this i hate all of it my back is killing me everyone
16:15at the rave
16:16thought i was a narc my ear hurts so bad i can hear it i can hear my own ear
16:23think about that
16:25my clothes what is it what do i get this stuff off of me ted i'll pay you double for
16:30your finest suit
16:32here's uh 30 bucks throw in the shoes you win ted i'll never do anything on the murtall list again
16:42i'm too old for this stuff you know barney last night i went to bed at eight o'clock because
16:48it
16:48was on the list and i couldn't sleep because well it was eight o'clock so i decided to watch
16:54lethal
16:54weapon and then when i still couldn't sleep i watched lethal weapon two and then i watched three
17:05and then halfway through lethal weapon four is when it occurred to me murtaugh kept saying i'm too old
17:12for this stuff but every time he'd say it he'd turn around make another movie and do more stuff
17:19i guess what i'm saying is
17:23screw being old let's go tp laser tag huh yeah and then the hospital
17:34great job guys at least we're not keeping score right no idea what the score is could be 53 to
17:40zero
17:40could be some other score it's 53 to zero what are we doing wrong coach you know what you're not
17:48doing anything wrong it's great that you guys are losing because in life it doesn't matter how much
17:54effort you put in or how hard you try people will just give you things like diplomas and jobs and
18:01promotions so it doesn't matter what you do out there as long as as long as you have fun
18:07at that point because they didn't want to fight in front of the kids your uncle marshall and aunt
18:11lily had one of their telepathic conversations don't you give me that look lily i can't take it
18:17anymore your way of coaching is crazy stop yelling at me sorry but can i please do it my way
18:25fine
18:27but i'm gonna do it my way too i'm getting my guitar
18:33i don't know if it was marshall's tough attitude lily's gentle encouragement or some magical
18:37combination of the two but in the second half of that game that ragtag group of little firecrackers
18:44got beat down even worse
18:49in fact according to your uncle marshall in the second half the other team got even taller
18:54and one of them turned into a teen wolf kenny there is a teen wolf on the court that can't
19:00be legal
19:01i know the teen wolf looks different kids but trying to make sure he feels included
19:26how is that not traveling kenny you're killing me you're absolutely killing me hey watch it coach
19:32will get a technical oh kenny i'm begging you to give me a technical when the final horn mercifully
19:41blew the score was by marshall's estimate 118 to nothing and even though they didn't win anything
19:47everyone even the coach got a participation trophy i understand if you don't want it
19:54i love it i just i work so hard it feels good to be appreciated for my effort i know
20:02baby
20:07maybe your way is not totally stupid thanks your way is totally stupid
20:33but damn it if this ain't some of the finest tp work i've ever seen
20:40you're being stated effective immediately really
20:48hell no i'm calling the police
20:52grown-ass man with pink hair throwing toilet paper you gotta be kidding me i'm too old for this stuff
20:58you said stuff
21:02you
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