- 7 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:13Today on Culture Club, the Mutiny on the Bounty, part seven.
00:18Captain Bly and most of the Loyalists, including myself, were forced onto a small rowboat.
00:23Then, the treacherous mutineers sailed back to a tropical island full of semi-naked women.
00:28For no fathomable reason.
00:31As midshipmen, I gathered a handful of young, girthy privates.
00:36And I assigned them to scrub the excrement.
00:39Scrub harder, private!
00:44Catherine, there is no more pivotal moment in Australian history than the Mutiny on the Bounty.
00:49Apart from everything before that and everything after that.
00:52It says Mum and there's a photo of you being suffocated by a woman with her arms.
00:55That's called a hug, Miranda.
00:57You know they named a chocky bar after the Bounty?
00:59Did they? Is it good?
01:01Got a bunch of missed calls from Mel.
01:03Yes, so do I, but I can't deal with Mum today.
01:06Catherine, how envious everyone is of your ears to hear this story for the first time.
01:12The first time of many.
01:14Kate!
01:15Sean!
01:16I know you're in there!
01:21Boo!
01:21Mum!
01:22Wow, what a nice surprise.
01:24What are you doing here?
01:24Well, what do you expect?
01:25You don't answer my calls or texts.
01:28But thank the ancestors.
01:30Sean left his find my phone on.
01:31Hi, Sean.
01:32Hi, Mel.
01:34Mmm.
01:36Oh, wow, look at this.
01:38Ooh.
01:40Feel that?
01:41You smoked the place yet?
01:42Yes, of course, Mum.
01:44Yeah, we did.
01:45Red River Gum, Red Box or Narrow Leave Peppermint?
01:48Yeah, yeah, all good.
01:49Yeah.
01:50Oh, you make me so proud.
01:54How many people you reckon might have died here then?
01:57None.
01:57A few, a few, I guess, yeah.
01:59A few, very much.
02:00Well, 29, technically.
02:01Although 17 have been sucked off.
02:14It wasn't Dad, actually.
02:15It was the Great Uncle Alan.
02:16Alfred.
02:17Bloody dog your father was.
02:19Left me nothing but cold sores.
02:21Cold sores and me?
02:22Of course, Katie Koala Cockabong.
02:24Come here, let me bust you up, my darling.
02:26Oh, excuse me, Kate.
02:29Take a seat, Mum.
02:30I have old sores, too.
02:31We know.
02:32Uh, sorry we missed your call, Mel.
02:34We've been busy with the Rennos.
02:35I can see that.
02:37Real busy with a sledgehammer.
02:39Who wants a cuppa?
02:40As long as it's bushels and don't low-tide me.
02:43As if I've ever low-tided anyone.
02:44What do you think that is?
02:46Sorry, sorry, um, big cups.
02:48Sorry.
02:49I'll just, um...
02:52You'll never be making me a cuppa.
02:54Oh, that's because you're dead.
02:55You can't even drink.
02:57Nice to be Alfred.
02:58Oh, okay.
03:00What's taking so long?
03:02Your mother is able-bodied.
03:03Have her hand out refreshments.
03:05I haven't finished telling you my story about the bounty.
03:08Uh, sorry, Mum.
03:09I'm just going to take care of something.
03:10I'll just be one second.
03:11Sean, can you just do this?
03:13I'll just be one moment.
03:14Out of here.
03:15Splendid.
03:15Now, you'll be interested to know
03:16that Bly, the famed navigator,
03:18turned to me constantly for assistance.
03:20How many teabags now?
03:21One or...
03:22What?
03:23Two?
03:28After that drive, it's five.
03:30Yeah?
03:31I hope that poop bowl's been clean.
03:33Yeah, I gave it a good wipe, so I did.
03:35Okay, listen up, everyone.
03:37For the ongoing adventures of the bounty,
03:39Satan, hit the deck.
03:40Yep.
03:41No, not that.
03:42For this weekend only,
03:44you can watch TV for as long as you'd like.
03:46Binge your dead little hearts out.
03:48Come on.
03:49Just please, please,
03:50do not bother me around my mum.
03:52Yeah, because if she finds out there's spirits here,
03:54she'll assume that you're evil.
03:55How am I evil?
03:56I'm closing the gap in your cultural education.
03:59And that, everybody,
04:00is why here's a martini, Olive.
04:02Anyway, back to the point.
04:04She will make me move home,
04:05which means that you will all go back
04:06to being eternally bored.
04:12Thank you, Eileen.
04:14Okay, Satan?
04:15What?
04:16You're in charge, Private.
04:18No, I don't want to be in charge.
04:26Uh...
04:27Okay.
04:31Um...
04:32Oh, we could watch, uh,
04:33Two Hands,
04:34a little rubber stomper, or, um...
04:36What's that there with a haggard mammy
04:37and wee ones and boxes?
04:39Octomum, me and my 14 kids.
04:41Oh, that sounds dramatic.
04:42But that's me.
04:44I am an Octomum.
04:46I made the Holy Father throw me a ball.
04:48Quiet!
04:48Push the button for Octomum!
04:51Octomum, no.
04:52Maybe we could watch something a bit more fun for everyone.
04:54Grease!
04:55No, no, no, Grease 2.
04:56No.
04:57Grease.
04:58Appention.
04:59Good, Private.
05:01Now, go to documentary.
05:04Yes, boss.
05:05Documentary.
05:06There, the paths of Bath,
05:08a glorious meander
05:09down the laneways of my hometown.
05:11Arrggh!
05:14Arrggh!
05:17Here we go.
05:19The cobblestone paths of Bath...
05:21I hate it.
05:23Is it all paths?
05:25Kill me, no.
05:27Beautiful cobblestones.
05:29Gorgeous.
05:29Yes.
05:30Oh, the texture.
05:32Sublime.
05:35Still can't make a bed, eh, bub?
05:37Because you always did it for me, mum.
05:39I made your bed so you had time for more important things,
05:42like being a lawyer and fighting for change.
05:44I wasn't saving the world, mum.
05:45I worked 70 hours a week to help big companies eat little companies.
05:48I worked two jobs, plus my art,
05:50to pay for the degree that you're not even using.
05:52It was a nothing job, mum.
05:53I was the token black fella they could use on their annual report.
05:55Then use them back as a stepping stone.
05:58Go corporate, set yourself up, and then boom!
06:00Your legal aid era.
06:01I suppose this is what you call cultural appropriation?
06:04What do you want from me?
06:05To make the most of your talent.
06:06The others have turned mutinous.
06:07Instead of making beds for a living.
06:09They are blocking the television,
06:10and I simply must know why they chose Bluestone
06:12to cobble the hobble on Bobbleberry Way.
06:14Stop!
06:15Stop what?
06:16Caring about my baby girl?
06:18Sorry.
06:19I just, um,
06:20I just need to take care of something.
06:22Where are you going?
06:23We're having a good yarn.
06:27Move!
06:27If the boss says we're watching Pazabar,
06:30then we're watching Pazabar!
06:32Satan!
06:33Do something moron!
06:35Oi!
06:35Sit down!
06:37Down!
06:38In your seats.
06:39Hurry up!
06:39Come on.
06:40It's after tonight.
06:42All will have the opportunity to...
06:43Four Swedish strangers in one Swedish sauna.
06:47And things get steamy.
06:49This is Hotbox.
06:51What on earth is that?
06:52It's a Swedish reality show.
06:53It's called Hotbox,
06:54and everyone's obsessed with it.
06:55How are we?
06:56The Swedes are nothing but a bunch of
06:59fornicating naked pagans.
07:01Why are they so...
07:03wet?
07:04They're stuck in a sauna until they hook up or dehydrate.
07:06There's like 12 seasons.
07:07You're gonna love it.
07:08So Karen did sex with Ben,
07:09which is crazy because she doesn't even find...
07:11Look at that perky hair.
07:13Yes.
07:14That perky...
07:16hair.
07:20Gideon, what's the problem?
07:21The only thing I wish to see exquisitely laid
07:23is moist cobblestone.
07:25Okay, I'll get the iPad ready.
07:31There.
07:32Happy?
07:32No, I don't want this tiny life raft.
07:35I want control of the original vessel.
07:37Sit down.
07:38Down.
07:40Satan, come hither.
07:42I refuse to endure this indignity alone.
07:46All right.
07:47Orders are orders.
07:48Move, Munch.
07:49Excuse me, Lindy.
07:50I've just got to sit next to the boss.
07:52There's a good bot.
07:54Satan.
07:55You know,
07:56if you don't stand up to him,
07:58it's never going to change, yeah?
08:01Now I've got to go bleach the toilet for my mother.
08:15You on Marketplace?
08:17Yeah, yeah, yeah.
08:17Just trying to offload some of great-uncle Alfred's old stuff.
08:28$300.
08:29Oh, I don't know if anyone's going to pay that for that.
08:32Vintage.
08:32No.
08:33Non-smoker.
08:35Black-owned.
08:36A capital B-L-A-K.
08:37Great-uncle Alfred was actually white.
08:41It's Kate's now, isn't it?
08:42Yep.
08:43Buyers are desperate for anything black-adjacent.
08:45Oh, maybe with your art,
08:47but an old chair with a bum den?
08:50Rangaroo's bum den.
08:52Really?
08:52It is now.
08:54I am so hot.
08:56I am hotter.
08:57You are far less hot than me.
08:59I am hotter, and I will prove it.
09:02She took her temperature,
09:03and it turns out she was.
09:05Bad enough your bodies have rutted.
09:07No, this filth is ruttin' your mains.
09:10Who wants to leave the sauna
09:11and go go naked in the snow, yeah?
09:12I do, but not with you.
09:15I did want to leave, but not with Sven.
09:19After the break, have visited...
09:20Watch this, not that.
09:25Those two are just bosom friends.
09:26They can't possibly hook up, as they say.
09:29Miranda, women can be with women.
09:32Because they are in sauna, which is actually...
09:35Pardon?
09:36They're called lesbians.
09:37Holy Father and Mother Mary.
09:39Gooch my eyes out with burning sex.
09:41But real lesbians don't look like that.
09:42Real lesbians look like, um...
09:45Satan.
09:46And they don't really like saunas.
09:49They like things like rescue dogs and protesting.
09:53What do they protest for?
09:55For their rights.
09:56What kind of rights?
09:57Their rights to party.
10:01See?
10:02What did I tell you?
10:03This is really the traditional way to show thanks.
10:06Feels right to me, bub.
10:07Oh, what a blazes.
10:11Oh, that's good.
10:14You've done all right for yourself, eh, boy?
10:17Free mansion, fallen into your lap?
10:20I'm not on the title or anything.
10:22All this peace and quiet.
10:24Artists like me, we crave fresh landscapes.
10:28New vibes, new skies.
10:33Quietness can be overrated.
10:35City's not the same since Kate left.
10:38For so long it was just me and her.
10:40We were a team.
10:43And now there's you.
10:44Right in the middle.
10:58What's going on here, then?
11:00I cleaned all that, but yesterday.
11:02Yes, and I really appreciate your invisible dusting, Eileen,
11:05but my mom appreciates clean grout.
11:06For heaven's sake, has this woman been cannonized?
11:10You're here scrubbing the tub.
11:12Sean's in there, grinding her truffles.
11:14What?
11:15Kate.
11:17Hey.
11:18So, um...
11:21I've done something that you may not appreciate at first,
11:23but, in fact, I think you'll find it's actually rather beautiful.
11:26What did you do to Mom?
11:27What? Nothing. Wait, who's in here?
11:29Uh, it doesn't matter, nothing.
11:30Nothing to Emma.
11:31What happened, Sean?
11:32Uh, it was just a purely traditional foot rub.
11:34What?
11:35And then I asked her to move in with us.
11:37What?
11:37I know, I know, I know, but we have eight bedrooms, Kate.
11:40Six are filled with ghosts.
11:42She'll be filled with children.
11:43I think she's just... lonely.
11:45I don't care.
11:46I don't want to live with my mom, Sean.
11:48I'm 30 years old.
11:49I just want to be a normal person
11:50and live with my man and my ghosts.
11:53She's unpacking her car.
11:55Lovely.
11:55Great.
11:57You realise this was her plan all along?
11:59She has guilt-tripped you into this.
12:00Guilt-tripped?
12:01She didn't guilt-trip me, Kate.
12:02She just mentioned that I should feel bad about inheriting this house
12:05and muscling my way in the middle of you two.
12:06Then she called me barbed and her feet were in my hands
12:09and, oh, my God, she did guilt-trip me.
12:11Wait, all this time,
12:12I could have been using my tears of wool to get things.
12:15It's not your fault, Sean.
12:16Mum knows that you're an easy target.
12:19I'll sort it out.
12:22Yep.
12:27Mayday!
12:28Mayday!
12:29Thy fraught has gone down!
12:31That's it.
12:31No more hotboxes.
12:33We're going back to Paths of Bath.
12:34It's time to overthrow the dastardly mutineers.
12:39Do we have to, boss?
12:41I mean, they look really happy.
12:42How dare you defy me, Private?
12:44I order you to capsize their vessel.
12:46The girls are hooking up
12:47and I'm boiling alone like a sad little Frankfurt.
12:51Well, then no one can watch anything.
12:54I'd sooner never see another Path of Bath
12:56than let the traitors win.
12:58Attack!
13:02The TV's dead
13:03after I go psych myself up.
13:05Where are you going, man?
13:06You're supposed to go down with the ship!
13:11Is this any good?
13:14What have I missed?
13:15I realise it was your hero.
13:16Lesbians.
13:18Give him a chop.
13:19Get him ready for the sauce.
13:21I don't care how you chop him up.
13:23That's up to you, champignion.
13:27Juice your limes into the bale.
13:30While you're cooking, champion, consider this.
13:32We all know people who can be controlling and manipulative.
13:36Whether it be family, mates or someone at work.
13:39If people are constantly bossing you around
13:41and taking advantage of you,
13:44it's time to introduce boundaries
13:45and voice your feelings out loud, mate.
13:48Voice my feelings out loud?
13:50Mate, just how much lime juice?
13:52I stand firm in my worth.
13:54I stand firm in my worth.
13:56The only boss of me is me.
13:59The only boss of me is me.
14:03In goes a quarter of a cup of lime juice.
14:05Oh.
14:06While I've got you,
14:07don't forget to like and subscribe and all that stuff.
14:10Mum, we need to talk about this whole moving in thing.
14:12Don't worry.
14:13It's all sorted.
14:14I've unpacked, got my art stuff all settled in.
14:17Wow.
14:17That's a lot of stuff you've brought.
14:20Come here.
14:21I've been working on something special I want to show you.
14:26The brown represents the river out back.
14:31The black is for you.
14:33And I'll put some white in for Sean.
14:35See this line here, Mum?
14:37Mm-hmm.
14:38It's me.
14:39Because now I'm here.
14:41Watching over you both.
14:42Forever.
14:45When is it you'll be kicking her out, Dad?
14:48It's, um...
14:49It's really beautiful, Mum.
14:51Stay as long as you want.
14:52That woman's a genius.
14:56I'm not here to sex.
14:58But to be clear, I'm also not here not to not sex.
15:01Okay, change of plan.
15:03I need you to haunt my mum out of this house.
15:05Because if I kick her out, it's going to break her heart.
15:08So I need you all to do it for me.
15:09Catherine, can't you see I'm in the middle of a mutinous revenge?
15:14But hang on.
15:15I'm giving you the opportunity to be your worst selves,
15:17to do the ghosty thing.
15:18You love that.
15:18Gideon, you can be in charge.
15:20You can lead the whole mission.
15:21No, thank you.
15:22Lindsay, you can do the bleh, bleh, bleh thing.
15:24Right?
15:25With the flickering lights.
15:26Maybe later.
15:27Come on, guys.
15:28You're ghosts.
15:29Be ghosts.
15:30Maybe being trapped in a sauna with semi-nude.
15:32You know what?
15:33I'll just do it myself then.
15:35Thank you so much.
15:36Thank you for nothing.
15:38Great work.
15:38I want some pleasure.
15:40I'm letting you go.
15:42Catherine is being such a cow right now.
15:46Oh, my God.
15:47Yes.
15:48Yes.
15:55Yeah.
15:55You know, I'm just going to tell her I made a terrible mistake.
15:57No, you can't do that because then she'll hate you forever
15:58and then I will have to break up with you just to get some peace.
16:01Terrible.
16:01Have you seen Satan anywhere?
16:02The poltroon has abandoned ship.
16:04Oh, so you want to help now?
16:07Really, Catherine?
16:09Ghost face?
16:11Oh.
16:15And?
16:16Helpful ghost?
16:17No.
16:17Oh.
16:19I mean, even if she doesn't recognise your face,
16:21surely she's going to recognise your...
16:23your gate-Kate.
16:24She's just going to go Kate-gate.
16:32Mum, quick.
16:33I heard something in the hallway.
16:34Something creepy and weird.
16:35Stay behind me.
16:47It's the lady of the manor.
16:48I heard she was murdered.
16:50I knew you didn't smoke this place.
16:52Well, I was going to eventually.
16:57It's probably a chancer from Marketplace.
16:59What?
17:00No.
17:01Yes, it happens.
17:02You swap a few DMs, you give them the address.
17:04No, but look, that doesn't look like someone from Marketplace.
17:06It looks like someone from beyond the grave.
17:08Oi, you!
17:10Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, she looks evil, don't!
17:13Ghost, mum, stop you back here!
17:15Mum, wait, where you think you're going?
17:18Hang on, just pay for it, you cheap skates!
17:21Mum, mum, wait!
17:22Oh!
17:23Oh!
17:26Oh!
17:28Oh!
17:28Oh!
17:30What's Sean?
17:31That's not Sean.
17:32That's not Sean.
17:33Oh!
17:35I'm a spooky little ghost.
17:37Ha!
17:37Ha!
17:38Ha!
17:40Hmm.
17:41Yeah.
17:43So you made your man dress up like an old woman to haunt me out of this house?
17:46It does sound weird when you put it like that, yeah.
17:48Do you hate me that much?
17:49Oh, mum, I love you.
17:50You know that.
17:50You know that I love you.
17:51I just don't want to be judged all day, every day.
17:54You know?
17:55I get enough of that already.
17:57It's...
17:58From Sean.
17:58No, no, Sean's great.
18:05So all that burnout stuff wasn't just the job?
18:11I felt like I was disappointing you all the time.
18:14Barb, you could never.
18:15But then why do you act like it?
18:17Because I know that I disappoint you.
18:21I just want you to know that you're capable of big things.
18:23Yeah, but chasing those big things, it doesn't give me much time to just be me.
18:27You know?
18:28Psst.
18:28Okay.
18:29The TV is asking if we're still watching Hotbox.
18:32And I know you're busy being a disappointment to your mum.
18:34But we are...
18:35Still.
18:36...watching...
18:36Hotbox.
18:37And you see, Astrid just fornicated with Sven.
18:40But he's going steady with Corinne.
18:42And Carl's in love with Astrid.
18:43Thus, we need...
18:44What I'm saying is...
18:47I just need some space to live my life the way I want to live it.
18:53And that means I kind of need you to leave.
19:02I think she means us.
19:03No, she's definitely talking to her mum.
19:05I think also it is us.
19:06And if we give Kate some more privacy, then maybe she'll give a small Hotbox time.
19:13No, all good, bup.
19:14Mum will be fine.
19:16Don't you worry about me.
19:18My Katie koala cuckabop.
19:20No.
19:24Place gave me the creeps anyway.
19:27Love you, Mum.
19:28Yeah.
19:29Love you too, bub.
19:30Ta-da.
19:31Bye, Mel.
19:36Thanks for the visit.
19:38Drive safe.
19:46You money or you life!
19:51Bloody motorised carriages.
19:53Bloody motorised carriages.
20:01Oi.
20:03You're in there, you're in there.
20:04Oh, good.
20:05Yes, it's you.
20:06The mutineers have a bad...
20:07I've got something I want to say.
20:08I've got something I want to say.
20:11It's time to introduce some boundaries and voice my feelings out loud.
20:15I stand firm in my worth.
20:17The only boss of me is me.
20:19And remember, if you like this video, please rate and subscribe.
20:24What in blasted hell are you talking about?
20:28I want to watch the shows that I want to watch.
20:30If you say that's okay.
20:32Well, one never suspects the bitter taste or portrayal of one's own seaman.
20:39If only I could say it was for the first time.
20:44Anyway, the vessel is yours.
20:50Sick.
20:54Might as well.
20:57You know, I never got to be the boss of anything.
21:01Only myself and the octomum know the true pain of mothering.
21:06The lack of respect, sacrificing of me nethers.
21:11How do I cope day after day after day?
21:17Guess I'll never know.
21:21Did you want to watch octomum?
21:25It's not too much trouble.
21:28It's not trouble at all.
21:33Octomum was given stitches for his 50-degree tear.
21:36We'll birth another two babies by a season.
21:38I guess we've got this to look forward to one day.
21:41Yeah.
21:42One day.
21:43Two of octomum's newborns be from each mammary.
21:46While she births another...
21:49Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
21:51I'm looking for
21:55No.
22:06Yeah.
22:09No.
22:11No.
22:12No.
22:13No.
22:14No.
22:14No.
22:15No.
22:16No.
22:18No.
22:19No.
22:20No.
Comments