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00:03I'm Vicki Patterson. I'm 38 years old and nearly two years ago I married the
00:12man of my dreams. Twice in fact. I do. Now I'm facing the biggest question of me life.
00:21You would be a gorgeous man. Should we start a family? Do you want to have?
00:25Yeah. She's a natural. I'm in my late 30s. Here we have your embers and eggs. Can I just take
00:31a picture?
00:32So it feels like a now or never conversation. I'm at this crossroads and I don't necessarily
00:38know what to do. My body clock is ticking. I got you! And loudly. I think we should try an
00:45actually
00:45tonight. The truth is I don't know if I want kids. I really worry that I'm not capable of
00:53being a very good mum with PMDD and it's getting us down. And I've finally got the career I've worked
00:59me whole life for. So do I really want to give that up? So I think we'll have to give
01:06if you're
01:07going to have a baby. But then what happens if I don't? We can just be cool aunties and uncles.
01:12I could do that. Erkan and I have given ourselves six months. The destination is baby. You're there.
01:18You've arrived. To explore every avenue. My daughter has made my life and completed my life. All of that
01:25is so lovely. I'm so sorry. And to say once and for all. What is wrong with you? If we're
01:32destined to
01:32become parents or not. Everybody's crying, Erkan! This is me and we shouldn't be the kids.
01:58Come on there babies. I am a proper proud dog man. The way I feel about them lads is unhealthy.
02:06I honestly don't think I could love anything more than I love these two. I know. And people get so
02:11angry when I say like, oh they're my kids and blah blah blah. They just don't understand. Nah no.
02:17People will say that haven't got dogs. I know. But then I suppose we haven't got kids. We haven't
02:21got kids. Do we? No. Dogs are harder than kids. Yeah. Sometimes right. Sometimes I look at my gorgeous
02:28little life now. With the dogs and the little staycations we do. And I think, I do like my life
02:35now. Yeah. It is nice. Imagine adding a kid on top of two Labradors. I know. And it's like,
02:40do you want to rock that boat? And they're no bother now, you know. We've got the life lovely.
02:44That's why I do it all. That's why. Yeah, to be fair, they are no bother for me. You haven't
02:50walked them on your own since the day we got them. I can't. They're too strong. It's like I'm
02:54water skiing. I think the way things have worked out, obviously with me being so busy. Yeah.
03:01You've ended up being... More at home. Yeah, the main dog parent. And I don't see... I don't see that
03:11changing when we have kids. All the way. I think you'd end up being like the default parent,
03:15so to speak. Yeah. Yeah, that's one of the main reasons why I'm scared. It's taken us a really long
03:20time to change people's opinion of me and get to a place where, like, I like myself and I love
03:28the
03:28work I'm getting and I'm happy with me life. And the thought that now I'm going to have to take
03:34a
03:34step back, it is... It's quite scary.
03:47This isn't going to be an easy decision for me to make. But before anything else, I need to weigh
03:52up
03:52the good and the bad of parent life and decide if it's really for us. And one man who will
03:57tell it
03:58was straight is Fern McCann. There she is. Let's go get the door.
04:06We both started out in reality TV and we met and became friends on I'm a Celeb and I've got
04:11a lot
04:12of love and a lot of time for her. Hello. Hello, babe. You all right? Hello, Glennie.
04:18Hi, Fenty. Oh, she looks class. Fern, you all right? Oh, you look gorgeous.
04:22Thank you, Miss Audio. Hi, little one. Say hi, Vicky.
04:26I'm really proud of how she manages to juggle her career and her family and sort of make it look
04:32easy.
04:33Can you say Vicky? She's been saying her name. Vicky.
04:37Yeah. You so smart. She'll be so cute.
04:41Fenty is cuter than a bunny in a bow tie. Seeing her makes my ovaries ache.
04:47Did you feel like, mate, when you were chocker and, like, here and everywhere,
04:51over the telly and, like, all your other projects and stuff, it was really hard to be a present mum?
04:55Yeah. Yeah, it's hard now and I'm doing less. Yeah.
04:58I cannot tell you how many times I've messaged my agent saying, but I need to sort childcare.
05:02So I do have a nanny now three days a week because, Vic, I couldn't sustain it anymore.
05:08It's that you can do it all. I don't believe you can, but you can do an awful lot.
05:12But when they're a baby, they're so portable, so you could just bring them along.
05:15Like, with some days, she used to come to this morning.
05:17She used to come on shoots with me. Like, you can bring... And you're in the industry where you can.
05:22Yeah. I've spent a lot of time focusing on how my career would get in the way of me starting
05:28a family.
05:29But what I've neglected to think is that I'm actually in a really privileged position.
05:34My job can be flexible. I can call the shots. Sometimes I can choose to take a step back.
05:41You won't be able to be doing what you're doing now. Like, I'm watching your Insta stories and I'm
05:45filling in the gaps. That's only what you see online. It's the podcast. It's... What else do you...
05:50What else? Just radio. A reality show. There's nothing you don't do.
05:55I know. You'll have something we'll have to give if you're going to have a baby.
06:00I said to you, when you just met her, can have a baby. Do you remember?
06:04Do it, babe. I'm thinking about freezing my eggs. I was like, just have one.
06:08Like, just do it. Solid advice. No big... Yeah. Don't take my advice, for goodness sake.
06:14Like, yeah. But I'm pleased with Rose with eggs, mate, I am.
06:18Because it's giving us, like, that little bit of, I suppose, cushion.
06:21Like, I'm 38 this year. Because you know what it's like?
06:24You take a couple of months off, or whatever, and there's someone else.
06:27Oh, my God. Trust me, I know.
06:29Yeah. No, I don't... We all live in fear of it.
06:31Yeah. But also, as well, mate, there's this thing where, like, we really like our life.
06:35Yes, OK. Got two dogs... So you're not even...
06:37So you're not sure? You're on the fence? Really on the fence, mate.
06:40Everything that I've ever done, having my kids was and is the best thing.
06:47Like, they bring so much. Yeah, you can see. So much.
06:50I don't like this term, because I feel like it puts loads of pressure on women,
06:53but I do feel like you're just a natural man. Sometimes I wonder if I don't have that.
06:57OK. Babe, you will. You will.
07:01But listen, you're doing the nap time.
07:07I don't feel like I should be responsible for this. It's me going to sweat from behind the knees.
07:11When you say nap time, will she just tell me she's tired?
07:17No, she's not going to. She'll be up. She'd, like, if you didn't put her down,
07:21she'll just be partying and playing and, yeah, loving life.
07:25And we don't want that. No, she's got to go down for the nap.
07:28This feels above my peer grid. No, right, listen, you're absolutely made for this.
07:32What did you say? I don't poo.
07:35Oh, perfect. She's done a poo. I think you should do it.
07:38Don't smudge it in, because Aunty Vicky's going to change your pooey bum.
07:43I'm absolutely fine with picking up dog poo. And honestly, with my two lads,
07:48they're practically horses. They're absolutely massive.
07:51And I will do that every day of the week. It doesn't phase us at all.
07:56All right, hold your knives.
07:59No, I can't do it.
08:03It's no judgement. I'm so sorry.
08:04Oh, my God. It's really gone.
08:07There is something about children's poo that makes me feel ill.
08:13And I know that is so bad.
08:15You absolutely stink, baby.
08:19You're stinky.
08:21Your thought of changing a nap makes me heart beat like I'm being hunted for sport.
08:25In the bum bums.
08:27Where's your pants? I've got your pants.
08:28I'll get your trousers back on.
08:30All right, you could do five minutes of play and then I'd lay her down.
08:34I think she'll be good as gold for you. I've got a feeling.
08:37You've got about five minutes of winding down play.
08:41What does that look like?
08:43Not that.
08:44Okay.
08:45Don't forget she's got to go to sleep within 15 minutes.
08:4915 minutes. I've got it.
08:50Right.
08:50We'll be fine.
08:54Fern has just left and she made the process sound like really straightforward.
08:57But I reckon I can still probably find a way to fuck it up.
09:01Where is the burn?
09:02So Finney's outside now and I'm meant to be putting her to bed almost like with immediate
09:08effects and she doesn't seem to give a shit.
09:11She's picking up bark and leaves.
09:15I think I've got to be quite firm in this scenario.
09:18Fern strikes me as somebody who has a schedule and wants to keep it.
09:22And I'm not going to take the piss.
09:23So I've never been less confident in my life.
09:26I'm really out of your comfort zone.
09:28You got some more?
09:30Oh, I don't think this is quite what your ma had in mind with that lovely outfit.
09:35How am I, pet?
09:36This feels like you're going to sleep and I'm going to get the blame.
09:39Tina mat. Tina mat.
09:42Can we go go nap naps?
09:43You want to come nap naps with me?
09:45Yeah.
09:46Yeah, that's my pretty girl.
09:47Come on then, baby.
09:49Oh, I love you.
09:51Let's go.
09:51Where's your bedroom, puppet?
09:54This looks like it's your bedroom.
09:56I am really feeling the pressure.
09:59Fern's fucked off.
10:00There was some sort of sleepy window, which potentially I think I've missed.
10:04And now I don't know what's going to happen.
10:06Right, so it's sleep-suit time.
10:08Okay, okay.
10:09She's not tired.
10:10And your friend told me she might not be, so that's okay.
10:13But also I can't work out where the head goes in this.
10:16Like a long sock.
10:17Is it like a sock?
10:18Quish, quish.
10:20Quish, quish.
10:21Where's mommy gone?
10:23She's just nipped out for a minute, babes.
10:25She'll be back.
10:26I'm not normally a dishonest person, but there is absolutely no way I'm telling
10:31Finty that her mum has left me in charge.
10:33I don't want to worry the poor babe.
10:34Okay, so I just need...
10:36Mama.
10:36Oh, wait a minute.
10:37Let's put these sleep sounds on.
10:39Mommy.
10:39Mommy.
10:40Mommy.
10:41How do we...
10:42Mommy.
10:43Oh, look, sleep sounds.
10:45God damn it.
10:46I'm feeling with everything.
10:47Right, so how does your mommy know when you do this?
10:48Does she...
10:49Is it, like, around here?
10:50Oh, I think I've worked it out.
10:52Mommy.
10:53I know.
10:54I wish she was here, too.
10:56We'll do this.
10:57One, two, three.
11:01Okay, that's good.
11:02And then this, I think, is a sleep cell issue.
11:04Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
11:07It's okay, it's okay.
11:08I've never felt more stressed out.
11:10I've never felt more out of me depth.
11:12I'm totally spiralling.
11:14I'm worrying that I'm traumatising the bairn.
11:16I need Fern to come home now.
11:18Come over here.
11:19Come over here.
11:20Come slow me.
11:21Oh, that's okay.
11:22It's okay, it's okay.
11:24It's okay.
11:31Children say, Madame Gazelle,
11:34today we have a special person coming to teach you a basketball.
11:39Look!
11:40Hi, baby.
11:41She was just like, really, like, mommy, mommy, mommy.
11:43And I got really panicked.
11:44Oh, no.
11:45Are you close?
11:48Are you close?
11:49Are you close?
11:50You're all sweating for starters.
11:52I'm absolutely still sweating.
11:54I feel like I haven't quite got the authority or the confidence.
12:00Just let them get a meal with murder.
12:02And then when it comes to the hard stuff, I just crumble.
12:09And I'm so sorry, mate.
12:11It's not what I am.
12:12Sorry.
12:13No, it's not you.
12:14I did all the, like, we're fine with all, like, me and her playing was lovely.
12:18But then...
12:20I just haven't got that, like...
12:22No, you have.
12:22I'm a third of it.
12:23You have.
12:24You have.
12:25Okay.
12:25And then when you're up.
12:26She's a tricky seeper.
12:27Yeah.
12:28She's fun.
12:29She loves fun.
12:30Isn't it?
12:30Yeah, she's amazing.
12:32I'm gonna go.
12:33You've got to do all that.
12:34I'm sorry.
12:35I feel like I've fumbled the task.
12:37No, you haven't.
12:38You was perfect.
12:39I can hear she's calming down now anyway.
12:41What do you think?
12:43I'm just gonna go and sit in there and just do a bit of shush in.
12:46Okay, well, thanks.
12:47Oh, you look gorgeous.
12:48I love you.
12:49I love you, babe.
12:49So sorry about that, girl.
12:51That's all right.
12:51No, you're fine.
12:52Okay, thank you.
12:53Bye.
13:12I'm done in.
13:13How was today?
13:14I'm looking for a nicer way to say awful.
13:17Because that feels, it feels really bad to say that.
13:22Like, she's a wicked baby, but...
13:24Hard work.
13:25Aye.
13:27I'm not right.
13:28And like, you know when you're playing with them and everything and it's like,
13:30all candy floss and kittens.
13:32Smiles and she's happy and...
13:35It's lush.
13:36And then when you've got to get out of sleep, you think,
13:39fucking hell, were you sent straight from the devil to test me?
13:43I just don't know how Fern does it.
13:45Like, if Fern came back, I was so relieved.
13:49Relieved.
13:50So relieved.
13:51And I was doing a shite job as well, you know.
13:53I was.
13:54I was doing a shite job.
13:55Why?
13:55I'm sure you did an amazing job.
13:57In all honesty, cards on the table, like,
14:01it left me feeling really defeated today.
14:04Yeah.
14:05Like, it's really hard, you know.
14:06Hard.
14:07It's really hard.
14:08Like, I don't know if actually I'll be a...
14:11I don't know if I'd be a very good man.
14:15We don't have to have kids.
14:16We're quite happy the way we are.
14:19I mean, listen, I'm not 110% either.
14:22In.
14:23I've just started a new business and I'm, like, stressing over that.
14:28God.
14:30We can just be cool aunties and uncles.
14:33I could do that.
14:36I think that's who I am.
14:38No, I do.
14:41I'm quite happy now, you know.
14:43Yeah.
14:44Yep.
14:44I'm so happy.
14:45I'm very happy.
14:46I love you and I love the dogs and I love me job.
14:52I'm just scared that one day I'm going to wake up and think it wasn't enough.
15:00Do you know what I mean?
15:01That's what I get scared of.
15:03The way my head's out now, I'm like...
15:06It's a big, big commitment.
15:08I love you.
15:09I love you.
15:09All right, I'm going to bed.
15:10I'm so tired too.
15:11Sit, turn the lights off.
15:12Come on then.
15:13Mmm.
15:31Me and Irk have a really healthy relationship with honest and open lines of communication
15:37and we are forever talking about what our future looks like, whether we're going to have children,
15:42whether we're going to remain child-free, you know, our timelines and stuff.
15:46But sometimes it's really nice to get a different opinion, a second opinion.
15:52Hello, Petal.
15:55One person I can always rely on is me mum.
15:58So I feel like I need to go to Newcastle, see her and just get her opinion on it all.
16:05I'm finally getting the jobs I want.
16:06I'm finally being taken seriously.
16:08I'm on a trajectory I want.
16:09Yeah.
16:10And the thought of taking a year and a half, two years, whatever it is off, scares me.
16:14Why do you need to take two years off to have a baby?
16:16I would have went straight back, but I waited till you were four months old.
16:20My mum is actually the original boss bitch.
16:23I think in my head I had this idea of her being like an earth mother who, you know,
16:27no epidural, just gave birth to me in a field and gave up work the moment of conception.
16:34And actually she was back at graft. She was very progressive.
16:37She was both a mother and a business woman, you know, and maybe that's where I get it from.
16:45Maybe that gives us hope.
16:46So do you think you're not ready yet?
16:48You know, I want to spend a little bit more time as a wife before I'm a mother.
16:54I totally agree with you.
16:56Because I met your dad, as you know, and we're at school.
16:59In the womb.
17:01Not quite.
17:02But I didn't start going out with him till I was 16.
17:04Didn't get married till I was 24.
17:06We didn't have you until I was 29.
17:08People were shocked that we waited till then.
17:11Everybody was like, where are you at?
17:12Because you get engaged and they want you to get married.
17:15And then you get married and then they want you to have a family.
17:18And then it's when you're having your second one.
17:19Since the moment May and Irk got married, well, since the moment we met,
17:23it was like, hey, people were like, when are you getting engaged?
17:26Where are you getting engaged?
17:27And then we got engaged.
17:28It was when's the big day?
17:28When are you getting married?
17:29I know.
17:30And like, I suppose I didn't mind all that stuff,
17:33because I knew that's where we're going.
17:34Mm-hm.
17:34But the, it'll be baby's next, it'll be baby's next thing,
17:38always leaves a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth.
17:40But you've got loads of friends.
17:42You've got friends with kids.
17:44You know, you don't have to have your own to have children in your life anymore.
17:49My fear is, Mum, and this is...
17:53Come on.
17:54My fear is that I'm just going to wake up one day and realise that, like, holidays and handbags and
18:03us lions are not that important.
18:05They're all just really superficial and futile.
18:08And I'll be devastated if I've missed my chance to be a mum or have a family.
18:13Mm-hm.
18:14Um, because I am getting very close to a point where I really have to make a decision.
18:21So, yeah, so my greatest fear is that I'm happy now and that there's just going to be some sort
18:25of penny drops in the next couple of years and I'll have waited too long.
18:30I think that's what I worry about.
18:31You would be a gorgeous, Mum, because that's, that's just the person you are.
18:37I could just see you.
18:38You'd be absolutely beautiful.
18:39So you don't need to worry about that at all.
18:42Pregnancy on the other hand.
18:45I think you'd be a rubbish ass.
18:48My mum never fails to give me, like, perspective when I'm struggling or at a bit of a crossroads
18:54in my life.
18:55It makes us think that if, like, I was going to be a mum, I'd really like to be a
19:00mum like her.
19:09Although meeting up with my mum has helped us, I'm still no closer
19:11to making a decision.
19:13And there is one big factor I've yet to consider.
19:16What sort of mum will I be able to be with PMDD?
19:20I was diagnosed with PMDD about three years ago now.
19:24Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is a condition that affects hundreds of thousands of women.
19:31Unfortunately, it is often misdiagnosed.
19:34Women are dismissed.
19:35And it's because of that medical misogyny that I face that I feel really passionately
19:40about using me platform to raise awareness.
19:43Hi, Viv.
19:44Hi.
19:45Are you okay?
19:46It's so good to see you.
19:47Good to see you, too.
19:49Oh, oh.
19:50I'm eating it.
19:51Last year, I made a film for Good Morning Britain.
19:53And part of that was I met these incredible, brave and inspirational women who were dealing
19:58with different female health issues.
20:01I was lucky enough to meet Rachel, who is dealing with PMDD as well.
20:05How have you been, mate?
20:06Because it's been a minute since I've seen you.
20:08It has.
20:08Yeah, I'm good.
20:10Kids are growing, happy, healthy.
20:13Rachel is amazing.
20:14And I feel like she's the perfect person for me to talk to.
20:18Not only does she have the same condition as me, but she has four kids.
20:22Obviously, me and her got married about a year and a half ago now.
20:25It's gone like that.
20:26So we are now in this position where we are trying to make a decision about what our future looks
20:31like.
20:32And whether that is, you know, if we're fortunate enough to have children, whether it's that,
20:37or whether we're really content being sort of like doggy parents, essentially child-free.
20:42Like, we're just looking at it.
20:43And I'm getting scared a little bit, Rach, because obviously, me PMDD is such a huge part of me life.
20:53And I have to consider it when I make any decision.
20:56Like, if I take a job, like, I have to look at where it falls in me cycle.
20:59Like, I can't have it around me luteal phase.
21:02And I just really worry about what type of mom I'm going to be able to be with PMDD.
21:10The best way I can describe PMDD is you build this, like, sandcastle of good habits,
21:18of positive behaviors, of great relationships.
21:21And then this wave comes and just destroys it and takes it all away.
21:26It manifests itself different in everybody.
21:29But I get anxiety and exhaustion, body dysmorphia, I can't sleep at night.
21:37And also in the more scary moments, I get some quite dark thoughts.
21:43And it can be quite debilitating.
21:45Like, I do feel like my symptoms are getting worse as I get older.
21:48I found out that it can affect your libido.
21:52Which, honestly, not to be too graphic, but if you ask my husband,
21:55he will definitely tell you that's played a big part.
21:57Like, I do feel like my libido is low and I feel less sexy and things like that.
22:02I don't even get us started about my emotional regulation, mate.
22:04Oh my gosh, yeah. Goes out the window.
22:06Out the window.
22:06It's like two weeks in your libido phase.
22:09If it's two weeks of a month, it's half my kid's life.
22:12Then I'm going to be this version of myself that I absolutely hate.
22:15I really worry that I'm not capable of being a very good mom with PMDD and it's getting us down.
22:23I just want to say that I think the fact that you're thinking about those things,
22:28I hope you take that as reassurance that you are going to be a good mom.
22:31Like, the kid's not even here and you're already thinking about, like,
22:34how he can be the best mom you can be.
22:36A lot of it comes down to communication.
22:38My kids are so happy.
22:40Like, you've met some of them.
22:41Yeah.
22:42And it's not that it's always easy.
22:43There are times where I'm more short with them, I'm more irritable.
22:46So if you know that it's going to be harder for you in that time,
22:50as they get older, you talk to them, you help them understand it.
22:53And when you mess up, which you will, you apologize,
22:56it can still be a really beautiful journey.
22:58Did you feel any type of way before you started having your children?
23:01Were you worried about how, yeah, you were?
23:04Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I was terrified.
23:06I was like, I'm not ready to be a mom. I'm going to be a terrible mom.
23:08As soon as she came out, all of that anxiety went away because I just loved her.
23:13Yeah.
23:13And it helped me see my hormones differently because the same hormones that were like,
23:18you know, attacking me and stressing me out, they helped me to bond with my baby and just
23:23instantly love her and instantly feel that everything's going to be okay.
23:27PMDD is hard, but I no longer see it as, oh, it's a version of myself I hate.
23:32I see it as that's a more truthful version of myself that I need to be cautious with.
23:38You can still be a great mom, but it's terrifying.
23:42I'm really grateful that you've given us a lot of information.
23:45Hard journey, but it's worth it.
23:47I love your age. Thank you all.
23:48I'll cuddle if that's all right.
23:49Yeah, of course.
23:50Thank you all.
23:52Sitting down with Rachel, she made me believe that I could not only like survive as a mom,
23:56but actually thrive despite of me PMDD.
23:59She allowed me to entertain a world where I could use me PMDD to teach me children to be like
24:06emotionally intelligent, patient, kind, understanding.
24:10And honestly, that is not something I've ever allowed myself to think before.
24:15I'm really grateful to her for that.
24:26Be yourself, keep on moving up that mountain.
24:32After meeting Rachel, it did get us thinking about me low libido
24:35and how that's not exactly ideal if we want to try for a baby.
24:39So I've been proactive and booked a sex therapist to come and meet me and Irk.
24:44And I have never been more uncomfortable in me life.
24:47Tell me a little bit about your journey in regards to talking to me.
24:51Okay, me and Irk met really organically about nearly eight years ago now.
24:55I had like no house and, you know, it was all fancy date nights and hotels and no dogs.
25:00Very flutters and fancy free.
25:01Yeah.
25:02We're having a lot of sex.
25:03A good time.
25:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:04Have a good time.
25:05A good time, a good time, yeah.
25:06But like over the years with like everything, like,
25:09my priorities seem to have changed.
25:10And as I said over the phone, I saw if I would pay him DD,
25:13which affects me libido as well.
25:15And we are definitely having less sex.
25:20I don't feel any type of way about it, but I know he does.
25:24Okay.
25:24And if that means like a couple of adjustments, I'm more than up for that.
25:27Yeah.
25:28And that's all, that's usually what it takes.
25:30It's just sort of a little bit of awareness about creating those opportunities sometimes,
25:34or just thinking a little bit more about, do you know what?
25:37I might send him a bit of a text this morning, or I might just, you know.
25:40Rudy, Rudy, Trudy text.
25:42What could possibly sing on how you feel?
25:44It's like, no, how are you doing?
25:46Or actually, you know, you're good.
25:48I don't know why I did that.
25:49It's just uncomfortable.
25:50I'm really sorry.
25:50I'm not at all.
25:51It's kind of you.
25:52You're, no, not at all.
25:54Hi, Petlar.
25:55You okay?
25:56Good.
25:57I was talking, I was talking about you.
25:58I heard sex in the shower.
26:00No, you didn't.
26:01That's what I heard.
26:02No, you didn't.
26:03You got to come in at the right time.
26:04No, you didn't.
26:05You're going to fuck right off, doesn't it, man?
26:07How are you doing?
26:08You okay?
26:08Sorry.
26:08Hi, good to see you.
26:11If I could wave a magic wand for you, what would you love to happen in terms of, like, your
26:16kind of sexual dynamic?
26:17Just up the numbers, really.
26:19Up the numbers.
26:19As in your sorrel mask.
26:23More intimacy, more time together.
26:25As soon as the dogs did arrive, in terms of sex, obviously, it slowed down.
26:31How's that to be?
26:32It's really interesting, because that's kind of when you became a mummy and a daddy, I guess.
26:35Yeah, I suppose that's normal.
26:36I suppose like any other parent, when they have a newborn or they have kids, it does slow down.
26:42Yeah.
26:42Yeah, I definitely don't fancy any less.
26:44Nothing to do with us, it's just a lack of physical action.
26:49Like, you know when you used to be, like, younger, and you'd, like, walk downstairs in your
26:53mum and dad's house?
26:56I feel like that's what it's like with the dogs.
26:59Where is this going?
26:59I feel judged.
27:01I feel judged by my Labrador.
27:03Sure, they can keep each other company.
27:05If we put a little film on for them, give them a little treat or a bone,
27:09we can go upstairs and do it for a few minutes.
27:12And I can get your bone.
27:15That's why you are going to spit.
27:19God help me.
27:21We're going to do a few little bits of homework in between now and kind of when I next see
27:26you,
27:26if that's okay.
27:27Are you guys up for that?
27:29Yeah.
27:29I just wanted school so I can do homework.
27:31Ah, okay.
27:32And I feel like you had it because he thinks it's going to be sexy homework.
27:36If it leads to some sexual activities, then I am in.
27:39So what we're going to do is we're simmering and that's actually keeping kind of the intimacy,
27:44the tactile kind of thing alive.
27:47So that it can start off with just incidental cuddles in the kitchen.
27:51It can be cuddles in the sofa, but keeping it kind of on the agenda so that you're creating
27:56situations where actually intimacy can happen.
28:00It's a bit like turning on a light switch.
28:02It's like, right, bang, we'll be sexy now.
28:04And that's really unrealistic, isn't it?
28:07And remember when we're talking about sex, we're not necessarily just saying like penetrative sex.
28:11It could be taking a shower together.
28:13I know that's risky, but it could be.
28:15So, yeah, it might start as a little cuddle in the kitchen.
28:19Cooking a bacon sandwich.
28:21That's not a sexy food.
28:23What would be a sexy food for you guys?
28:26Like a nice warm French stick with some cheese, olives and a bit of onion.
28:32Oh, it's a sexy.
28:34Some chutney.
28:35What the fuck?
28:36Some, um...
28:37You're just talking about food now.
28:40Sometimes it's about setting a time of day.
28:43Yeah.
28:43Or a day when you know that you've got a little bit more time.
28:46If I came home from work and you had like a nice glass of rosy for us and that.
28:50Okay.
28:51And we had like a bit of like half an hour just chatting about our day.
28:54I think I would be in the mood for it.
28:56Okay.
28:57We'd have like a good communication for the day and then we'd go upstairs,
29:00do it and come down and then have our dinner and some time with the dogs.
29:03Is that not a perfect date?
29:05That sounds amazing.
29:06Perfect.
29:07Do you know what?
29:08I'm actually ready for this.
29:09Let the simmering begin.
29:11So am I.
29:12I'm ready to do some homework.
29:15Oh, you had to ruin it.
29:17Didn't you?
29:20It's gross.
29:21Don't wink at me.
29:22Cheeky wink.
29:25Let the simmering begin.
29:38You can take it to your daddy.
29:40What's he got?
29:41It's just come through the door.
29:43Always not hungry.
29:43It's me at home fertility test.
29:45Hello.
29:46At home fertility test.
29:47Yes.
29:48The last time I got my fertility checked was a good few years ago now.
29:53And honestly, like fertility years are like dog years.
29:58It just feels like after 35, you are made to feel like...
30:05Old.
30:06Yeah, thank you.
30:09So this is going to check what?
30:10If you're still egging, basically.
30:14Which means if you're still capable.
30:17So this, it checks like your hormone levels.
30:19It checks like how many eggs you've got.
30:21Like viable ones in order to make a baby.
30:23Because that's how a baby is made.
30:24Your hormones are very high, so...
30:25I have habitually had my eggs referred to as geriatric.
30:31Which is obviously a bit of a punch in the dick.
30:34Erk, on the other hand, has had his sperm referred to in a professional setting
30:42as super swimmers.
30:44Drop roll.
30:44Super swimmers.
30:47I'll take it.
30:48I swear to God, he has never let me forget it.
30:54Ah!
30:54It's like a little prick, man.
30:56Are you a fucker?
30:57Woo!
30:58Now that we have sort of...
31:01A few years have passed, I feel like we need just a little bit of a check-in
31:05to work out exactly where we're at now, where we stand and what our options are.
31:11Like, milk it like a cow.
31:13I don't...
31:14I don't want any of milkers.
31:19What is wrong with you?
31:22Do you want to scoop it up?
31:23No, we can't scoop it up.
31:24We've fucked this.
31:36When I was about 35, Erk and my relationship was still in its infancy, in my opinion.
31:42And it was probably a bit too soon to be having conversations about where we thought it was going
31:47and if we were going to be parents and things like that, but I was aware of all of the
31:51scaremongering around women's fertility and how hard healthy pregnancies are as you get older.
31:57So we made the decision to freeze some eggs and create embryos.
32:01But now we're having these serious conversations and deciding if we're going to start a family.
32:07And I just have this burning desire to go and visit me little embryos.
32:11I just want to make sure they're okay.
32:13So Vicky, here are your embryos, okay?
32:15You had three embryos frozen at Blastos Estates.
32:19They were all of absolutely beautiful quality, okay?
32:23Would you like to sit?
32:24Okay.
32:25Okay, this is just after injecting the sperm into it.
32:28So you can see that this is your egg.
32:30We've put the sperm in.
32:32And then if you'll see here is the first step where you can see two little
32:38pernucleae coming out.
32:40Blast it?
32:40Yes.
32:40These are really the energy of the cell so that it can start dividing.
32:45I have to make the nerve pattern literally for common one.
32:48And look, and then we start having the embryo creating, splitting into cells
32:53two cells, four cells.
32:55It will go all the way to eight cells.
32:58And then the most beautiful moment of creating the blastocyst.
33:03I think I'm biased, but I reckon he's cute already.
33:06I underestimated the egg freezing process.
33:09I was unprepared for the judgment that came with it.
33:13So many people just had so many opinions and I actually found it really overwhelming.
33:20So afterwards, I compartmentalised very hard.
33:24I just sort of put a pin in it.
33:27But going to visit my embryos now has me feeling really emotional.
33:33They're like the first tiny iteration of me and Irk, you know?
33:37What chance in a statistic sort of form have I got of that being a successful pregnancy?
33:43Can you tell me that?
33:45So an AA embryo, Vicky, based on your age and your medical history, but also most importantly,
33:52on the values that we have here on the analysis and the AA will be approximately 50% clinical
33:58pregnancy rate, which is quite high.
34:01That's good.
34:02Yeah.
34:03I feel so privileged that I was able to freeze my eggs and create embryos with Irkann.
34:08I absolutely know it's not something that everyone can afford to do.
34:13It's not cheap, you know?
34:15And it has provided me and Irkann with a little bit of a security net.
34:20And I am really grateful for that.
34:22I just wish it was available for everybody.
34:25Although there is no guarantee, you are in a good starting position, for sure.
34:29Would you like to actually see where your frozen embryos and eggs are?
34:35Yes?
34:36Yes.
34:36Shall we go and have a look?
34:37Yes, I would.
34:38Let's do that.
34:40Welcome to our storage room.
34:43You see that?
34:45So much storage.
34:47Here we have your embryos and eggs, okay?
34:50They're in four little devices.
34:51So embryos and eggs?
34:52Yes.
34:53Yes.
34:53Yes.
34:54They're keeping company to each other.
34:57You see it says VP.
35:00They're so small.
35:02I'll show you everything.
35:04It's so tiny.
35:06Can I just take a picture?
35:07Yes.
35:08Baby's first photograph.
35:11Oh, look at them.
35:13I wasn't expecting to feel this emotional or this attached to my embryos,
35:19which is absolutely fucking ridiculous because I am the most emotional person in the world.
35:26Help, I'm not.
35:27And I don't want to leave them here.
35:28I want to take them home and put them in my freezer next to my fish fingers.
35:31Yes.
35:32I think maybe I'm more prepared for this than I thought.
35:46So, you know how I went to see my embryos?
35:48Yes.
35:48Our embryos, actually.
35:50Our embryos, jeez.
35:51I thought with it being such a clinical setting that I wouldn't feel any type of way.
35:58But actually, I did feel really emotional.
36:00I see the emotional side to that because it is quite special.
36:07So, Alison said we need to start simmering.
36:11Don't pull that off.
36:12Don't pull that off.
36:13Sexual.
36:15Remember, simmering is about how you treat us throughout the day.
36:17Warming us up.
36:19Because I'm not like a light switch.
36:21You can't just...
36:22I understand.
36:22Do you know what I mean?
36:23I need to be romanced.
36:26Okay.
36:26Rude.
36:27It's like a slow burn.
36:28You're not home?
36:29What if you're not home?
36:30Do it via message, like Alison said.
36:33Sexting?
36:33No, not sexting.
36:35And I do not want to see a picture of your dick in my fucking...
36:37I'm not sending no dick pictures.
36:39Good.
36:39Why are you smiling?
36:40I could do.
36:41Cheeky one on the toilet.
36:43Just like, throughout the day, nice messages, like...
36:46Oh, we do.
36:47I know, but like, give it a little sexual note.
36:50A little romantic undertone.
36:52Okay.
36:53And then I'll make sure we've got a bottle of wine, a French stick.
36:57With some olives, jeez.
36:59And then the simmering can begin.
37:02Yeah.
37:02I think we should try an outstreet tonight.
37:09I think we should try an outstreet tonight.
37:33Puppuccino Park!
37:35Oh my gosh!
37:36I've spent the last couple of weeks having some quite intense conversations,
37:40trying to work out what mine and Erkan's next steps look like,
37:43if we are going to have children.
37:44If we do, how are we going to have children?
37:47So I'm really looking forward to just parking that and celebrating my babies.
37:53Today, the light of my life, my reason for living, Max, turns three.
37:59So, of course, I'm going to throw him the biggest fucking party anybody has ever seen.
38:04Is this your first dog party?
38:06It is, actually, yeah.
38:08First of many.
38:09There you go, that's for you.
38:10Thank you so much.
38:11Are you sure what I've got?
38:12What's that?
38:13Cosmopolitan.
38:14Oh my God.
38:15That's a poor one.
38:16You can get a bark and stormy.
38:18Did I do well?
38:19Oh, yeah.
38:20Are you happy?
38:20Sorry.
38:22I know.
38:22And I know it's like your birthday too.
38:24So I did some here.
38:25Joy.
38:25Joy.
38:25It's my birthday.
38:26Yeah.
38:27Somewhere in my obsession and haste to throw my son the best birthday party ever,
38:35I might have forgotten it's my husband's birthday as well.
38:39Dogs come first.
38:40Then Vicky.
38:42Then me.
38:44It's a bit of a punch in the dick, isn't it?
38:46Not only did the dogs stop with doing the old mattress mambo,
38:49but now Max has hijacked his dad's birthday as well.
38:52I can see why Earth gets a bit pissed off, you know.
38:55Don't fucking dare tell him.
39:01Well, we just wanted to say a big thank you to everybody for coming today
39:04to celebrate little Max's birthday.
39:11Thank you so much.
39:12Make sure you've got loads of drinks, loads to eat,
39:14and let's have a really good eat.
39:15Let's get it.
39:16Party starts, you ready?
39:17Yay!
39:18Ah!
39:20Ah!
39:21Ah!
39:22Ah!
39:22Ah!
39:23Ah!
39:24Everybody's crying in here, guys!
39:26Oh, that was good.
39:29Everybody is fuming.
39:30This is why we should.
39:36Cheers.
39:37Oh, that's lovely.
39:38Nice.
39:39How's things with you and Vicky?
39:40Yeah, good.
39:41We had a sex therapist come.
39:43Oh, okay.
39:44Um, the other day.
39:46How did that go?
39:47So she's give us a bit of homework.
39:48They want us to start simmering.
39:50Okay.
39:51In other words, make it more...
39:54More romantic.
39:55Romantic, yeah.
39:56Let me send her a text.
39:58Good idea.
39:58Let me start the simmering off.
39:59Okay.
40:00What can I say?
40:01Let's get it on.
40:02No, no, that's too much.
40:04I say, babe, you look incredible tonight.
40:08You've done an amazing thing for Max.
40:11Okay.
40:11And I can't wait to spend some time with you tonight.
40:15Spice things up a little bit.
40:17Some simmering.
40:23I feel like me and Irk definitely think we've got a taste
40:25of what it's like being parents because we've got the dogs.
40:28And we do.
40:29We feel the anxiety when we're not with them.
40:30We feel like that...
40:33I'm so sorry.
40:34I'm so sorry.
40:35I've never...
40:40Irk's just text.
40:41He's just wrote, you look incredible today.
40:44The day has been amazing.
40:46Can't wait to spend some time with you tonight.
40:49That made us get butterflies.
40:51I'm not being funny, but I actually might chag him after that.
40:55No, I might.
40:57Yous are sleeping in the spare room tonight, lads.
41:03Can we have an ice cream, please?
41:05It is.
41:07I've got your text.
41:09I've got my text.
41:10Okay.
41:11Mmm.
41:12He's gorgeous charisma.
41:13Yeah, he is.
41:14He must be dead proud.
41:15Yeah.
41:16How do you feel like your relationship has changed since the baby?
41:19I'd actually say our relationship is so much stronger now.
41:22Yeah.
41:22I bet it just...
41:23Do you feel more like a unit?
41:24Yeah, more of a unit.
41:25Absolutely.
41:26Absolutely.
41:28The little smile.
41:29Do you know when I see a baby?
41:31A really cute one.
41:32And I go, oh, my God, my ovaries are screaming.
41:35What is the male version of that?
41:37Do your sperm sing?
41:39Yes.
41:39Do you get tingles?
41:40Yeah, I get tingles.
41:43I don't know how to explain it.
41:44Testicle tingles!
41:47Oh, my goodness!
41:48Do you want a hat, too?
41:50Ah!
41:51She actually...
41:52She's a natural.
41:53She absolutely is, isn't she?
42:03Not food, I promise.
42:05Only thinks it's food.
42:07I just want to say it was lovely to see you with the babies today.
42:12You are an absolute natural.
42:14Do you think?
42:15100%.
42:16Yeah.
42:17That's a really nice thing to say.
42:19I hope I am.
42:21I think you're better than you give yourself credit for as well, to be fair.
42:26You've grown up with so many nieces and nephews and stuff.
42:28Yes.
42:29Yeah.
42:30Yeah, it's been good and bad.
42:32Honestly, you know what everyone says, Eric?
42:34It's so different when it's your own.
42:36I know.
42:37When I think about kids...
42:40And I know sometimes I feel, like, really scared and apprehensive and worried that...
42:46Which is normal.
42:47...having got what it takes to be, like, the best man or whatever.
42:51I also do feel like it would be such a shame because we've got such lovely families...
42:56I know.
42:56...and they'd have so many nice, like, little cousins and pals and...
43:00I don't know.
43:01I think that part really...
43:03The next gen.
43:03Yeah!
43:04I know.
43:05It's going to be special.
43:07There's a huge part of me that wants a family with you.
43:11But, like, I'd be lying if I said my biggest concern wasn't still work.
43:18How I'm going to navigate...
43:21...being a mum and...
43:24...still being, like, a good wife to you and...
43:27...having all the other things I want in my life as well with my schedule as it is.
43:32Listen, that's normal.
43:33I think, like...
43:35Look at my brother, he's full-time.
43:37I know.
43:37They've got a business, so...
43:40...we're a team and...
43:42...we're just going to make it work.
43:44Loads of women do it, don't they?
43:46Yeah.
43:48Love you.
43:49Love you too.
44:01Last year, I took part in Strictly Come Dancing...
44:04...and it was the most incredible experience of me life.
44:08But it was hard work, don't get us wrong.
44:11And in true Vicky P fashion, I've also decided now to take part in the Arena Tour...
44:16...which means more hard work and also five weeks away from home.
44:21I'm really out in my comfort zone.
44:23And I think the anxiety I feel about the show...
44:27...and also just, like, dancing in general...
44:30...so I think all of that coupled with the actual physical exertion of it...
44:33...I feel like a popped party papa.
44:35And the thought of, like, walking through those doors after doing...
44:40...the cha-cha, foxtrot, whatever it is all day...
44:43...and then jumping into bed with enthusiasm and doing a bit of mattress mambo with Urk...
44:47...like, I just couldn't...I couldn't imagine anything less appealing.
44:51I've got nothing else to give, man.
44:54Also, I don't know how I'm meant to go home and parent a baby either.
44:59If you have this idea in your head of, like, what mother you're going to be...
45:02...and with me scheduled the way it is at the minute...
45:05...I just don't know how I'll have the capacity to be that mother.
45:09That really scares us.
45:12That would be bad, mam.
45:14I am the breadwinner in our family.
45:17It is unfair.
45:19You have to choose between having the family or having all the career or...
45:22I don't know, it just feels like women always get the rough end of the deal.
45:27And I don't...I'm at this crossroads.
45:29And I don't necessarily know what to do.
45:31I don't know whether to...
45:35...say fuck it and be selfish.
45:40Better not be upset if I don't have the family as well.
45:44Sorry.
45:51Next time...
45:52Ah! Ah! I missed!
45:54...the baby saga continues.
45:56It's time to stop thinking and start fucking.
46:00We get our fertility results back.
46:03Okay, there's one out of range, hi.
46:06And Urkan pulls out all the stops to try and bring a little romance to our relationship.
46:10This is all simmering, isn't it?
46:13Before we finally make a decision once and for all.
46:16I feel like I've pretty much made my decision.
46:19Have you made your decision?
46:20I have as well. I have as well, yeah.
46:23All right.
46:24I have a good idea.
46:48I have a good idea.
46:48Write a list.
46:50I'll cut it all over.
46:50Or I'll cut it all over.
46:51Alright, I'll cut that.
46:51You can go.
46:51I'll cut it out.
46:52Let's do it.
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