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he New York writer Damon Runyon (1880-1946) was the man who created that black humor you see in mafia movies directed by Martin Scorcese. He wrote early in the twentieth century in a tradition not dissimilar to what the British writer Arthur Morrison did in his Tales of Mean Street, which was set in London. Like him Damon Runyon used his native dialect and very colorful characters from the lower classes of the big city. Thus he created many of the myths about the New York mafia that we today recognize from the movies.
This is an edited episode of The Damon Runyon Theater, an old time radio show from 1949, with added AI video to set the stage.
This is an edited episode of The Damon Runyon Theater, an old time radio show from 1949, with added AI video to set the stage.
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00:00Now, on HistoryRadio.org, Cemetery Bait, by Damon Runyon.
00:05This is an episode of the Damon Runyon Theater, from 1949.
00:12One day I get a call to go to the state penitentiary.
00:14I go there because a character by the name of Gentleman George sends for me.
00:19Now being in such a place is no novelty for Georgie, and ordinarily will cause him no confusion.
00:24The trouble this time is that he is in what is called the Death House.
00:27It seems that he has allowed visitors, and I am more than somewhat curious why he sends for me.
00:33So I overcome my natural repugnance at such institutions and go to see them.
00:38And he tells me a very strange story indeed.
00:51Like I say, I find myself at the state penitentiary.
00:54I also find myself sitting in the cell with Gentleman George, and he says as follows.
01:00It is very nice of you to come, Broadway.
01:03Maybe you wish to know why I get you up here.
01:05I am curious, yes.
01:07Uh-huh.
01:08Well, as you know, tomorrow I am to be placed in Mr. Edison's rocking chair
01:12and given a severe shock in the seat of my britches.
01:15I hear that, yes.
01:16So, I wish to tell you a story.
01:19Because you are a good guy, and you will let it be known that I perform a great public service.
01:24You do, Georgie?
01:25I do.
01:26I wish all citizens to be more kindly disposed toward me.
01:29So I will tell you.
01:31Yeah, well, please make it short, George.
01:33I am getting a severe case of feeling cooped up.
01:36Sure.
01:37Well, it is in the summer of last year that Lou Adolia comes to me.
01:41You remember Lou.
01:42Oh, sure.
01:43He is a hot citizen who cases joints for diamonds and such.
01:46Yeah.
01:47And then he gets another citizen to knock over the joint.
01:50Well, like I say, Lou comes to me last summer,
01:53and he puts a proposition to me which reads like this.
01:56Georgie, I think I got a great job for you,
02:00only you'll have to go to Miami, Florida to knock it over.
02:02Okay, Lou.
02:03I do not mind traveling.
02:05What is the layout?
02:06Well, there's a certain doll married to a guy.
02:09Well, next, I do not knock over guys so their dolls can have good times.
02:12Nothing like that.
02:14She's got a box full of rocks that'll bring maybe 80 grand.
02:18Uh-oh.
02:19Go on, Lou.
02:20What else?
02:20Well, I figure a good box man like you can sort through and pick off the stuff.
02:25You got a place to unload it?
02:26Sure, sure.
02:28Don't I always?
02:29Yeah.
02:30Okay, give me the rest of the setup.
02:32Well, we'll go to Miami.
02:33I'll do another case job on the layout,
02:36and you can work your way through from there.
02:38It'll be a lead pipe session.
02:43So, Broadway, it is not more than a week later
02:46that I find myself on a train going to Miami, Florida.
02:49The way Lou talks, it looks like I am going for a cinch job.
02:54Then it comes up one night on the train,
02:56and I am as sick as a pup because I eat fish which I can never stand.
03:01I am on my bed when I hear a knock on my door.
03:05Oh.
03:07Oh.
03:08Who?
03:08Who is it?
03:09What's the matter in there?
03:11I am about to become a corpse.
03:13Go away.
03:14Let me in.
03:15I...
03:15Oh.
03:16Come on, come on, come on.
03:18Maybe I can help you.
03:19Okay, just a second.
03:23All right, lie down again.
03:24I am sick.
03:26I am so sick.
03:28So I see by the color of your face.
03:30I didn't think you were born green.
03:32Where does it hurt?
03:33Stomach.
03:34Domain poisoning.
03:35I saw you eating fish in the dining car.
03:37I will die before my time.
03:40Nonsense.
03:40No one ever does that.
03:42Besides, you might be better off if you did.
03:44Not enough people know when to die.
03:46Please.
03:47You say you will help me.
03:48I will.
03:49I'll never get any seat next door with you groaning and grunting all night.
03:53Porter.
03:55Porter, come in here, will you?
03:56What are you going to do with him?
03:57Send for some medicine.
03:58Yes, sir.
03:59You call me, sir?
04:00Yes, go to the dining car and get some hot water.
04:02Also bring back some soda.
04:03I'll box full and hurry.
04:05Yes, sir.
04:05Right away, sir.
04:06Do I get anything to go with the soda?
04:09Shut up and lie still.
04:11Look, mister.
04:13Why do you do this for me?
04:15If you've got any stupid notion that I'm doing it as a good Samaritan,
04:18then forget it.
04:19I merely want to get some sleep tonight.
04:24Well, Broadway, the old guy, who was maybe pushing on 60 or thereabouts,
04:29does good for me.
04:30In maybe an hour, I am feeling better and dropped to sleep.
04:33Then, in the morning, I wake up and the train is in Miami.
04:36I get out on the platform and I see the old guy.
04:39He looks at me and says...
04:41Feeling better?
04:42Oh, sure, sure.
04:44Lots.
04:44In fact, I am a well man.
04:46And I wish to thank you.
04:47Don't.
04:48Just remember that you're unable to eat fish.
04:50You're allergic to it.
04:51Oh?
04:52But look, mister, I wish to...
04:53Goodbye and keep away from fish.
04:54Hey, wait.
04:55Hey, hey, hey.
04:56Georgie.
04:56Oh, hiya, Lou.
04:57Yeah.
04:58Say, see that old guy getting in a car?
05:00Yeah, what about him?
05:01Who is he?
05:02Oh, I don't know.
05:03I didn't see enough of him.
05:05Now, look.
05:06You bring your tools?
05:07Sure.
05:07But I sure wish I know who that old citizen is.
05:10He saves my life last night.
05:12And so few people are good to me that I wish to cherish the name of one who is.
05:15Okay, okay.
05:17Save it till later.
05:18Uh, I got that deal lined up.
05:20How does it look?
05:21Oh, great.
05:22Uh, where are your bags?
05:23Uh, platform.
05:24Where do we go now?
05:25You better check in the hotel.
05:26Don't use your right name.
05:28You'll know me better than that, Lou.
05:30It is just a question of picking the one I like best.
05:33Okay, let's get moving.
05:34Well, we got just two days to pull this job and move out.
05:38Hot, huh?
05:39Plenty.
05:40Uh, your cut will be, uh, 10 G's.
05:42My cut will be 15 G's or you will get yourself another can opener.
05:4612.
05:4714.
05:4811.
05:4813 and a half.
05:4913.
05:50I am in business.
05:51Leave us go.
05:57Well, Broadway, 13 G's is not bad for a day's work, so...
06:02Georgie, I ask you to skip the details.
06:04Broadway.
06:05I only got today and tomorrow morning before I will have to skip everything.
06:10Do you begrudge me this hour?
06:12I am sorry.
06:13But I do not see what all this has to do with performing a great public service.
06:17You will see in a minute.
06:19Well, I check in at a hotel.
06:21I and Lou arrange to meet later at a place called the Bath and Sailing Club.
06:26It is a bad name because I do not see anybody taking a bath or sailing, although some of
06:32the dolls in the dining room seem to be dressed for the first occupation.
06:36Then I see a beautiful pancake walk in and sit at a table by the window.
06:40Now, Emil, the head waiter, is a good friend of mine, so I ask him who the doll is, and
06:45he says...
06:46The one in white, Mr. George?
06:49Yeah, the pancake with the dress that is made for dolls like her.
06:52Mr. George, she is cemetery bait.
06:55Uh-oh.
06:56Married, huh?
06:57To a jealous husband.
06:59This is bad arranging.
07:01Her husband is very selfish.
07:03That he is.
07:06My, my.
07:07She is very lovely.
07:10Oh, gorgeous.
07:12But there is something about her I do not like, Emil.
07:15Name one thing.
07:16I do not mean in the way of equipment, but in the way her eyes look.
07:19To me, they are heavenly blue.
07:22They are on the cold side.
07:23Tiens.
07:24Cold or not, she is beyond us, Mr. George.
07:28Especially since her husband is one of the best amateur marksmen in the world.
07:32Oh.
07:33Now I see why you call her cemetery bait.
07:36However, I have heard that she is, uh, looking around.
07:42It is a brave man who will overlook her husband.
07:44Ah, yes, but you will excuse nothing.
07:46Hi, uh, George.
07:48Uh, uh, Emil?
07:49Sit down, Lou.
07:50Yeah.
07:50Uh, see you later, Emil.
07:52Yes, sir.
07:53Yeah.
07:55Well, it is all set for the night, George.
07:57My goodness, I hardly have time to get settled.
07:59You can do all right after you crack the job.
08:02Now look.
08:03Here is the address.
08:04Take a good look.
08:07Okay, I got it.
08:08Uh-huh.
08:08Right.
08:09Now the maid who gives me the tip says the best time to finger the job is about one in
08:14the morning.
08:15I will have to keep late hours.
08:16Father, love of might, will you shut up and let me talk?
08:19Go ahead.
08:20Okay.
08:21The safe is a tin can.
08:23You ought to be able to take it apart with a hairpin.
08:25Lou, you know I do a very neat job.
08:28No blasting, no drilling.
08:30I do not like to ruin other people's property.
08:32Well, getting the can open is your job.
08:34Once you get the stuff, I'll pick it up and get it out of Miami.
08:38Like usual, huh?
08:39It wouldn't look good for us to take the wind right after the job's done, so we'll stick around a
08:44couple of days.
08:45Then I'll leave.
08:47You'll follow.
08:48Okay.
08:49One o'clock this morning, huh?
08:50Yeah.
08:51Uh, Georgie.
08:52What, Lou?
08:53Uh, please, uh, don't take any samples.
08:55What do you mean?
08:57I mean, I hope your pockets do not have holes in them so little twinklets slip into the linings.
09:02Lou, I promise you, I will hold out nothing.
09:05Okay.
09:06Go right to your hotel.
09:08I'll pick up the stuff.
09:09It'll be out in Miami in an hour.
09:11Yeah.
09:12And I...
09:13What's the matter?
09:14Huh?
09:15I just think.
09:16That pancake who just leaves looks just as good from this side as the other.
09:22Keep your mind on your work.
09:24Wait till you can have all the hoppies you want.
09:30So, Broadway, I wait until about 1 a.m. in the morning.
09:34Then I go to the address Lou gives me.
09:36There is not a soul there.
09:38I have the layout, so I go right to the safe and start work.
09:42I use my own little gadget that I invent.
09:45I...
09:45Well, go ahead.
09:47Why do you stop?
09:48I wonder why the government never lets me have the patent I ask for in that gadget.
09:53Well, Georgie, they have got very peculiar ideas about some things.
09:58Yeah.
09:59I guess so.
10:01Anyway, I work away.
10:03When I hear the front door open and close, I take a quick look.
10:07And who do you think it is?
10:08Uh, Buffalo Bill?
10:10He is dead.
10:11Well, I give up.
10:12Who is it?
10:13The beautiful pancake I see earlier that night.
10:16This is her house?
10:17It turns out that is the case.
10:19Anyway, she is with a guy.
10:21Know who the guy is?
10:23Georgie, before you finish this story, they will put you in the juicer and I will never
10:26know what happens.
10:28Please proceed.
10:29Who is the guy?
10:30Remember little Eddie Baker?
10:32Baker?
10:33Oh, oh, sure.
10:34Sure.
10:34The shake man.
10:35Yeah.
10:35Blackmailer.
10:37Broadway.
10:38He is very crooked.
10:39More than somewhat.
10:40So what happens?
10:42The doll does not turn on the lights, but they come into the room where I am going about
10:46my business.
10:47I see that Eddie Baker is now wearing a little mustache and he is dressed to kill.
10:52I duck in a closet behind some clothes and I hear the doll say...
10:56No, Tommaso.
10:57Don't turn on the lights.
10:59I thought you said we would be alone.
11:00We are.
11:01Cora, I do not like this.
11:03What if someone saw us?
11:05Who could?
11:08Frightened, Tommaso?
11:09Your husband.
11:10Away on a fishing trip.
11:11But he may come back sooner than you expected.
11:13I don't think so.
11:15He likes the fish.
11:17Cora, you are so lovely.
11:20Am I?
11:21You know you are.
11:23So?
11:24Listen to me.
11:25Why can't we go away together?
11:26How much money do you have, Tommaso?
11:30None.
11:31Nor do I.
11:31Your jewels.
11:32Tommaso, the way I like to live, they wouldn't last a year.
11:36I guess not, but I...
11:37You don't know what it's like.
11:39Married to a man who watches every move.
11:41We might have someone watching us now.
11:42No, we were careful.
11:44Cora, what are we going to do?
11:46That's why I brought you up here.
11:48We've got to talk about it, Tommaso.
11:51About what?
11:53Cora, what are you thinking about?
11:55My husband.
11:56Yes?
11:57He loves me.
11:59He loves me, Tommaso.
12:01He loves me so much that when he dies, I'll get everything.
12:04The estate, the yacht, the money.
12:07I'll be very wealthy, Tommaso.
12:09Tommaso, I could marry anyone I wanted.
12:12Me, perhaps?
12:13You said perhaps.
12:17When, Tommaso?
12:18Not here.
12:19Not in Miami.
12:20Why not?
12:20It's got to look like an accident.
12:22You will be leaving for New York in two days, won't you?
12:25Yeah, why?
12:26There's many more possibilities for an accident in New York.
12:31Yeah, there are.
12:35Do you love me?
12:37Wait and see how much.
12:48Well, that is the story the gentleman George tells me so far.
12:51And even though I am sitting in a penitentiary listening to it,
12:54I cannot leave because I wish to know what happens.
12:58I find out.
12:59And it's very strange indeed.
13:11Like I say, I am sitting with Gentleman George in the death house listening to him.
13:16And he goes on to wit, this.
13:18What time is it, Broadway?
13:20Half past three, what?
13:21My, my.
13:22Time goes real fast in a place like this.
13:25Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does, George.
13:27But you are telling me a story.
13:28Yeah, and I wish you to promise me that you will tell it
13:31so everybody can see what a great public service I do.
13:34Even though I am waiting to be fried.
13:36I promise, George.
13:38Okay.
13:39Well, I hear this Cora doll and Eddie Baker,
13:42whose name now seems to be Tommaso,
13:45set up a thing to knock over her husband,
13:47who seems to be interfering with their amusement.
13:51But I figure it is none of my business
13:53until the next day I am at the beach with Lou Adolia.
13:57That was a good job last night, Georgie.
14:00You are happy with it, huh?
14:01Yes.
14:03I figure this stuff should bring maybe more than 80 grand.
14:07Yeah.
14:08It is gone, huh?
14:08Yeah, it was out of Miami an hour after you slipped it to me.
14:11And when do I get my cut?
14:12So as the heat's off.
14:14Okay.
14:14Yeah.
14:15Meanwhile, this is a very fine life.
14:18Yeah.
14:20My, my.
14:21There is a doll wearing a handkerchief.
14:24Yeah, yeah.
14:25What a, what a small handkerchief.
14:28Uh-huh.
14:30Hey, Lou.
14:31What's the matter, cops?
14:32No.
14:32Oh.
14:33There is the old guy who saves my life on the train.
14:35Look, will you forget that?
14:37All he, all you had was a stomach ache?
14:39I am very grateful to him.
14:40It is very seldom that people do things for me,
14:43and I wish to speak to him.
14:44Okay, okay.
14:45Go ahead.
14:46I will be right over there where the red umbrella is.
14:49Yeah, yeah, I see.
14:50Uh, uh, Georgie.
14:51Georgie, sit down.
14:52Huh?
14:52What?
14:53Sit down, you flat brain.
14:55Sit down.
14:56What is eating you?
14:57You know who that is?
14:59Yes, he's the man who saves my life.
15:01He's the guy whose joint you knocked over last night.
15:03Oh, no.
15:04Oh, yes.
15:06Colonel Samuel B. Venus.
15:08Lou, why do you not tell me this before I do the job?
15:11My, you.
15:13Look, how did I know he was the guy that cured your stomach?
15:17Besides, there's 80 grand.
15:18I am very sorry.
15:19Will you shut up?
15:21I am very ungrateful.
15:22I should speak to him.
15:24Look, just keep away from him.
15:26I guess you are right.
15:27Oh, of all the dumb clucks in that old red guy's joint,
15:31the thing's still hotter than you when I talk to him.
15:34Maybe I will find some other way to thank him.
15:36Maybe I will.
15:38Holy mackerel.
15:39Georgie, what?
15:39You're giving me the nerves.
15:40What's now?
15:41I, I just remember something.
15:43That's impossible.
15:44But what is it?
15:45I, nothing, Lou.
15:49Nothing, I guess.
15:55But I do remember something, Broadway.
15:58This Colonel Samuel B. Venus is the husband that Cora and Tommaso are going to decease.
16:04Yeah, that is right.
16:05Now, personally, I would not care if they do it on somebody else.
16:09But the Colonel saves my life.
16:11You understand?
16:12Sure, I understand.
16:14But somehow it seems to be a little unimportant considering where we are.
16:18Huh?
16:18Nothing, nothing.
16:19So what happens then, Georgie?
16:21Well, I figure I will try to do something without getting myself in trouble for the little job I do
16:26for Lou Adolia.
16:27So I stick around and I find that the Colonel and Cora are going to New York by boat.
16:32So I go the same way.
16:34The boat is named a Castiglia.
16:37Castiglia.
16:38Castiglia.
16:38That is very familiar.
16:40Sure.
16:41I just tell it to you.
16:42No, no, no.
16:42I mean I read something about that boat.
16:44Oh.
16:45Well, I will tell you what it is you remember.
16:47Yeah, well, all right.
16:48You are on the boat.
16:49So is the Colonel and the doll Cora.
16:50Aha.
16:51And so is Tommaso.
16:53But you know what?
16:54I do not know what.
16:55What, Georgie?
16:56The Cora pancake and Tommaso never even look at each other.
17:00It is like they are strangers.
17:02That is very strange, right?
17:04Well, perhaps they do not wish the Colonel to see them together.
17:06Yeah.
17:07Yeah.
17:08That is real smart of you.
17:10But I watch them.
17:12But they never make a move to do in the old guy.
17:15Then it comes up one night and I am in my cell.
17:18Cell?
17:19Cabin.
17:19Oh.
17:20Yeah.
17:20I am in my cabin with Lou Adolia, who is along.
17:23I am just getting some sleep when all of a sudden I hear a lot of noise.
17:29Hey!
17:29Hey, what is that?
17:31Ah.
17:31The bell.
17:33Hey, what is going on?
17:35Who is throwing a party?
17:37Georgie, let us get out of here.
17:38This tank is on fire.
17:40What?
17:40Come on, quick.
17:41I am not dressed.
17:42Get going, you big dog.
17:43Come on.
17:44Which way, Lou?
17:44Come on, let us get up the stairs.
17:46With all this water around, how does a boat catch on fire?
17:48Come on, move faster.
17:50Hey, wait a minute.
17:51What for?
17:51Look, I have got an idea.
17:52Oh, not at a time like this.
17:55You go ahead.
17:55I will follow.
17:56What are you going to do?
17:57A lot of people will be rushing out and maybe leave valuables.
18:00I can pick up some trinkets.
18:01You stopped the right time.
18:02Ah, it is all right.
18:03You go ahead.
18:04I will make hay while the sun shines.
18:06Okay.
18:06It's your funeral.
18:07See you later.
18:10Anybody in here?
18:12Ah!
18:12Ah.
18:13Ah.
18:13I just wish to tell you the boat is on fire.
18:21Well, Broadway, I go from place to place and I pick up a few odds and ends.
18:26In fact, I do all right.
18:28Then I get to one cabin and go inside.
18:31I see nobody at first until I start to leave.
18:34Then I see there is somebody on the bed, all tied up and gagged.
18:38You know who it is?
18:39Colonel Samuel B. Venus.
18:41How do you know?
18:42Never mind.
18:43What happens then?
18:45Well, I get him untied and get the gag out of his mouth and he says thank you.
18:52We've got to get out of here.
18:53Yeah.
18:53It seems the right thing to do.
18:55I...
18:56What is the matter?
18:57I can't walk.
18:58They tied my leg so tightly the circulation stopped.
19:02I will have to carry you.
19:03Wait a minute.
19:03I want to get something.
19:04I will get it for you.
19:05That drawer in the small cabinet.
19:07There's a gun.
19:11This?
19:11Yes.
19:12Yes.
19:12I...
19:14I know you.
19:15You've saved my life.
19:16Now I save yours.
19:17Oh, yes.
19:18Yes, I remember.
19:19Oh, wait.
19:21I can't get up.
19:22Look.
19:23Hold my arms.
19:23They did this.
19:25They did this to me.
19:26Huh?
19:27Who?
19:27Cora.
19:28Cora and that man.
19:29That man in the white polo cap and the coat to match.
19:32Little guy.
19:33Black mustache.
19:34He hit me.
19:35They tied me.
19:36I'll kill him.
19:37What about her?
19:38Help me.
19:38Carry me.
19:39All right.
19:40Up you come.
19:42Now hang on.
19:43It's not her fault.
19:45She's just a child.
19:46But him, I don't even know him.
19:49Hang on tighter.
19:50I got to use my hands to feel through the smoke.
19:52Yes, yes.
19:52That poor child.
19:54She didn't know what she was doing.
19:56You think not?
19:57I know she didn't, but I'll kill him, that little man in the white coat and cap.
20:02I'll kill him.
20:03Look, Colonel, I have to tell you something.
20:05Save your breath.
20:06You'll need it.
20:07But I got to tell...
20:08Keep your mouth closed.
20:10No doll is worth killing somebody for.
20:13She's...
20:13She's an innocent child.
20:15Okay, okay.
20:16I will not say anything more.
20:19We're almost on deck.
20:21Then I'll find him and I'll kill him.
20:29I get the old guy on deck.
20:31He is pretty done in, so I take a look around for myself on deck.
20:35Everybody is getting in little boats and on rafts.
20:37I see a few things and I do a little thinking about the old guy and the doll he thinks
20:42is an innocent child.
20:43Then I go back to where I leave the colonel and I see he is looking out to sea.
20:48Look.
20:49Look in that lifeboat.
20:50Out there, do you see?
20:52Yeah, I see.
20:54Somebody in a white polo-coating cap.
20:56Oh, but better get on this raft, Colonel.
20:58That's the man.
20:59I won't let him get away.
21:00Look, Colonel.
21:01I'll kill him.
21:02You're going to shoot him?
21:03Now.
21:04Nobody will hear the shots.
21:05But you cannot hit him in that distance.
21:07And the boat is bobbing up and down.
21:09I've hit harder targets than that.
21:11And for less reason.
21:12Watch.
21:20That is real good shooting.
21:22Yes.
21:23Yes, I've never done better in my life.
21:26No, I guess you do not.
21:28The little white cap is floating on the sea.
21:30I killed him.
21:31I said I would and I did.
21:33Sure, sure.
21:34Now we better get on this raft.
21:36Come on.
21:36No, wait.
21:37Wait, Cora.
21:37We've got to find Cora.
21:39There is no time, Colonel.
21:40Besides, it is more than likely that she gets on a boat.
21:43I've got to find her.
21:44Look, I tell you, I take a look around.
21:45She is not on this boat.
21:46Then I'm not leaving until I find her, that poor child.
21:49I've got to find her.
21:51Do you understand?
21:52Colonel, once you save my life, now I have got to do something for you.
21:59Like I say, I have got to get you in the raft.
22:02And it is easier if you are unconscious this way.
22:09So, I get him on the raft.
22:11And it is not long before another big boat comes and picks us up.
22:14Yeah, I see.
22:15How are you doing, George?
22:16Huh?
22:17Oh, fine.
22:18Got the time?
22:20Yeah.
22:21It's 3.40.
22:22Uh-huh.
22:23Anything you want?
22:24No, I guess not.
22:25Thanks just the same.
22:27Yeah.
22:28Take it easy.
22:29That guard is a real nice guy.
22:31There is another one who is not so nice.
22:33Probably because I take two bucks away from him, a two-handed pinochle.
22:37Yeah, but George...
22:39Huh?
22:39You say you do a great public service.
22:41And you wish me to tell people about it.
22:44However, I cannot tell people what it is unless you tell me.
22:47Oh, yeah.
22:47I am coming to that.
22:49First, got a cigarette?
22:51Sure.
22:52Here.
22:52Thanks.
22:54Light?
22:54Here.
23:00You are a nice guy, Broadway.
23:02I will be sorry to see you go.
23:04Oh, thanks, George.
23:06Now, let me see.
23:07I am telling you about my great public service.
23:10I will get an ashtray.
23:12I do not like to get this place dirty.
23:14Well, George walks to get an ashtray and gives me the payoff of the story.
23:28Like I am saying, George gets the ashtray, comes back, and sits down.
23:32For a minute, he just looks off into space.
23:35And then he says...
23:36You know, I am criticized very severely for what I do when I get on that raft.
23:41Oh?
23:42And what is it you do, George?
23:43Well, it is very crowded, so I have got to push away a female character who is trying
23:49to get on.
23:50You do what?
23:51I push this character off, especially when I see she has got a small black mustache.
23:56What are you talking about?
23:58Well, I do not tell you, and I do not tell the colonel, that when I take a look around,
24:03I see Tommaso making this corridor change clothes with him, at the point of a knife, thinking
24:08he can get in a boat reserved for women and children.
24:10What?
24:11Then, then the colonel, he shoots...
24:14Yeah, he shoots Cora.
24:16She deserves it, Broadway, because he is a nice old guy, and she does not deserve him.
24:21Does he find it out?
24:23Yeah.
24:25He is now in a place where they keep guys who go off their rockers.
24:30Yeah.
24:31But look, George, why do you not tell everybody that it is not a female you push away, that
24:35is this Tommaso?
24:37You have still got some hours to clear that up.
24:39Well, I tell you, do I not?
24:41But I cannot keep you out of the juicer.
24:43Oh, you misunderstand.
24:46I am not here for giving Tommaso the heave-ho, although that is the public service I speak
24:51about, because I figure he is a menace to the sanctity of the American home.
24:56Well, then...
24:57Then what?
24:57I am here because Lou Adolia forgets to give me my cut.
25:01And one night, I push his car over a cliff, and I forget to remove him from the same.
25:09Yeah.
25:10Yeah, I see.
25:11Well, I, uh...
25:14I guess I will be gone.
25:16Yeah.
25:17Thanks for coming, Broadway.
25:18Oh, not at all.
25:21Well, George, uh...
25:24Bon voyage.
25:25Thanks.
25:26The same to you.
25:27And many of them.
25:36And so ends the famous Damon Runyon story, Cemetery Bait.
25:42The Damon Runyon Theater, with John Brown as Broadway, is directed by Richard Sandville,
25:47and the story is adapted for radio by Russell Hughes.
25:50Berne Carstensen is in charge of production.
25:54You have just heard, an episode of the Damon Runyon Theater, from 1949, entitled, Cemetery Bait.
26:06This is HistoryRadio.org, a free radio stream, promoting knowledge of literature and history.
26:34The Damon Runyon Theater, with John Brown as a free radio streamer,
26:43and the Department of palavra.
26:45Thank you for listening to UFOs.
26:45You
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