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00:11Hello and welcome to The Weekly. I'm Charlie Pickering. We have a jam-packed show for you
00:15tonight. Comedian Steph Tisdall is running for her life. Margaret Pomerantz exposes the
00:19secret lives of Mormon wives. And we fall down the chemtrail rabbit hole with Rhys Nicholson!
00:28And as always, we've watched all the news so that you don't have to. So let's kick things off
00:32with the week. Starting on Thursday, and as the fuel crisis deepened, the nation's motorists
00:42were getting desperate. Fuel crisis gripping the globe is worse than the devastating oil
00:46shocks of the 1970s. Around 80 petrol stations have been reportedly without diesel for some
00:52days now. Half of those without petrol at all. The government's been very keen to press and
00:57stress that people shouldn't be panic buying. My message to Australians is please do not take
01:03more fuel than you need. Nah, no way pal. I'm still sitting on a garage full of toilet paper
01:08from 2020. Yeah, you better believe I've filled my bathtub with unleaded. Right next to my bidet
01:16day full of diesel. So people are panic buying because they think the fuel is running out while
01:22the government says that the fuel is running out because people keep panic buying. And every
01:26time the government tells us all to remain calm, the media pours more $4 fuel on the fire.
01:33There is absolutely no need for panic. We are being told not to panic but tonight more than
01:3840 service stations across New South Wales are without a drop of fuel. Will we get to the point
01:44where you will have to trigger that act and do things like fuel rationing? We're a long way from
01:49that David. We're a long way from that. Fuel rationing is on the cards which we haven't seen
01:54in nearly 50 years. We continue to do this work to prepare for the worst in an uncertain environment.
02:01The energy minister has warned to quote prepare for the worst unquote amid our fuel crisis.
02:09So are we panicking or not? I mean this is the worst mixed messaging since the Family Ties theme
02:14song told me there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through. I mean, sha-la-la-la.
02:20With no end in sight for the fuelpocalypse, some drivers are resorting to extreme measures.
02:26Desperation and anxiety are building for many Sydney drivers, some even turning to crime.
02:31Turning to a life of crime, proving that people will do anything to avoid catching public transport.
02:40Let's head into Friday and with fuel rapidly becoming a luxury we can't afford and Aussies
02:45already struggling to pay the bills, the Reserve Bank had this grim warning.
02:50The Reserve Bank has warned a recession is possible if inflation cannot be tamed.
02:55After announcing another interest rate hike, Reserve Bank Governor Michelle Bullock has warned
03:00the Australian economy is at risk of a recession.
03:02She said that's a situation they're trying to avoid, but it may be a possibility if inflation
03:07doesn't start to behave itself.
03:09Yeah, you've been warned inflation. Start behaving or I swear to God I am going to turn this car
03:14around.
03:15Yeah, and I'll do it. I'll do it. Just as soon as I can find some petrol.
03:20One Aussie took the rate rise news particularly hard.
03:24Like millions of Australians, Melissa Bell was watching today's interest rate decision
03:28closely.
03:32Melissa there, starring in the world's most boring episode of Gogglebox.
03:39While the rate rise is difficult to watch, that's actually how Melissa reacts to all bad
03:44news.
03:45We have reports from Paris that Diana, Princess of Wales, has been killed in a car accident.
03:54Yeah, poor Melissa. She has seen a lot.
03:57Ladies and gentlemen, it's smoking the flames now. All the humanity.
04:03Yeah, distressing scenes, particularly when you consider that just this week Melissa's
04:08favourite radio host was given the boot.
04:10Carl Sanderlans has sensationally had his $100 million contract torn up.
04:19Still to come, Trump finds a more manageable opponent than Iran. Margaret Pomerantz throws
04:25her keys in a bowl with some Mormon wives and Rhys Nicholson gets to the bottom of chemtrails.
04:30But first, a major blow for those in training for the world's most carefully supervised sporting
04:36event.
04:37North Korea has abruptly cancelled one of its most popular international events, the Pyongyang
04:42marathon. The reason given was simply due to some reasons. So that is nebulous and inexact
04:52and not particularly helpful.
04:53Due to some reasons. And that worked. Finally, I have a good excuse for not attending my son's
05:00bullshit flute concert. But elsewhere around the globe, the running fad is more popular
05:06than ever. So what is it about putting on tiny shorts to suffer in public that's become
05:11so appealing? Here with more is our instant expert on running, comedian Steph Tisdell.
05:21So, Steph, what's got you into running?
05:25Well, as a fat woman, I'll be honest, I'm mostly in it for external validation.
05:32I never got any thumbs up for just walking, even if I was huffing and puffing. Now that
05:37I'm running, all of a sudden, Charlie, I'm an inspiration. Thank you. I'm not even very
05:42fast, to be honest. In case you're wondering if this is in slow motion, we've actually sped
05:47that up.
05:50Charlie, annoyingly, it turns out that all those skinny women on social media were right,
05:54running is really good for your mental health. And I do feel better than everyone else.
06:02And the benefits keep coming, especially when it comes to injuries, because at home, it's
06:07like, oh, I threw my back out putting on my undies. But now that I'm a runner, well, suddenly
06:13I've got training injuries. Charlie, I'm an athlete, you know. You sit at a desk, which
06:21one of us is in danger?
06:24What, like, like right now?
06:26Yeah. Sitting is the new smoking. Sitting more than eight hours a day increases your risk
06:31of heart disease and diabetes. So the biggest threat to our health isn't sugar, alcohol or
06:36vaping, it's furniture.
06:40And yet Ikea just keeps selling us chairs with zero regard for human rights.
06:52It's about time someone took on Big Alan Key.
06:54Uh, so where is all this running mania coming from?
07:00Uh, look, I blame the youth, to be honest. I do. Gen Z is absolutely mad for running.
07:05Except they're running for a different kind of heart health.
07:08The New York Times and Vice have published articles asking if running clubs are the new
07:12dating apps.
07:13One doctor writing in Australia's news.com, quote, it makes sense. And goes on to say
07:18you're meeting new people, bonding over shared suffering.
07:21Oh, yes, the perfect foundation of every successful long-term relationship, shared suffering.
07:28That's right. But if you're not motivated by love, maybe you're just into multitasking.
07:33When was the last time you made butter and ran simultaneously?
07:37We're gonna, we're gonna keep on churning and burning.
07:41Mile four. She's getting real creamy in there.
07:48The butter also comes in handy for slipping myself into my activewear.
07:54And, uh, for the leftovers, well, I can use those for my butter baths.
07:58Butter baths? Oh, that's right. You wouldn't get it. You're not a runner.
08:01Sorry. Charlie, talk to me when you've done your first 10K, thank you.
08:05I will. You can catch Steph Tisdall's new show, Steph Tisdall is Fat. Her word's not mine.
08:12It's the name of the show. And he's touring around the country right now.
08:15Would you please give it up for Steph Tisdall?
08:23Do you think life's never been worse? That the world is going to hell in a handbasket?
08:29Well, spare a thought for those who had to live in the good old days.
08:35By way of introduction, let me tell you the first time I ever heard this young boy sing,
08:39I actually dropped my teacup.
08:41Dropped your teacup? Wow. This guy must be good.
08:44I find myself in time to trouble, Mother Mary comes to me,
08:50Speaking words of wisdom, oh, oh, let it be.
08:55What's he doing with his nose?
08:58And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me,
09:04Speaking words of wisdom, oh, oh, let it be.
09:10Make it stop. Life was much worse in the good old days.
09:18On Saturday, South Australia headed to the polls.
09:21And while candidates were out making their last minute pitch to voters,
09:25nobody was working harder than Sunrise reporter Hayden Nelson.
09:28We're in West Torrens at the moment. Peter Malinowskis is elected.
09:32You can see there's a big queue here. He's excited to vote today, guys.
09:35There you go.
09:38If you think that reaction was bad, you're not alone.
09:41He is excited to vote today, guys.
09:43There you go.
09:48But Hayden wasn't going to be discouraged.
09:50Drawing on everything that he learned at journalism slash clown school,
09:54he broke out the props. It has been pretty tight for Peter Malinowskis.
09:58But one of the things we know he likes is the Makona coffee, the instant coffee.
10:03So that will get him through a campaigning day.
10:05We're hoping to speak to Peter Malinowskis soon.
10:08We've got the Makona coffee ready to go when we do.
10:10And I've got it here. It's tucked under my cameraman's arm.
10:13So I've got it. It's dark roast. So that says a lot about the man.
10:17Yes, finally confirming what we've all suspected,
10:19that Makona is lovingly roasted in a cameraman's armpit.
10:24As the morning rolled on, Hayden made one thing clear.
10:27He'd paid 19 bucks for a jar of instant coffee
10:30and would stop at nothing to get his money's worth.
10:33Apparently, he puts a few of these away, you know, one moment he wakes up,
10:38one after his morning jog, one when he gets to work,
10:40and then maybe one in the arbor as well, just for a bit of a kick along.
10:43All right, well, hold on to it.
10:44We've got a bit of Makona for the Premier,
10:46but perhaps in her who likes to do the basics.
10:50Hayden, look, you are a very thoughtful reporter.
10:53We thank you for your services and to your cameraman,
10:56and he's, you know, coffee-warming pits.
10:59We'll move on.
11:01Sunrise host Sally Bowery there.
11:03So glad she got up at 3am for this shit.
11:07As the results came in, it was clear that coffee connoisseur Peter Malinowskis
11:11had secured a landslide win for Labor.
11:14A much worse night for the Liberals, who went from being a major party
11:17to more of a struggling book club, but leader Ashton Hearn put a positive spin on it.
11:23The pundits, they said that we wouldn't get a single seat, but tonight we will prove them wrong.
11:28Yeah, it's not a failure, just as long as you redefine the word failure.
11:33But possibly the biggest winner was One Nation,
11:36which secured its best electoral result in any state since 1998.
11:40Pauline Hanson addressed the party faithful.
11:43We understand Pauline Hanson has been speaking at the One Nation headquarters.
11:49Let's bring you some of that now.
12:06Pauline Hanson addressing her two key constituencies,
12:10disaffected conservatives and racist wookies.
12:14On to Sunday, and with our regular royal family on the fritz,
12:19Australia got a visit from our Danish backups.
12:22During a visit to the war memorial in Canberra, one fan gave Queen Mary a special gift.
12:27I gave her some flowers and she asked if they were from my garden,
12:30and I lied and said yes.
12:35Sadly, that too was a lie.
12:37The truth is she just swiped them off the grave of the unknown soldier.
12:42It was then time for Mary to make a trip back home to Tassie.
12:46The Queen quite literally had her hands full.
12:49It was a new experience. I haven't done that before.
12:55Hundreds gathered on Hobart's waterfront bearing flags, flowers, gifts, even royal tattoos.
13:02Man, this guy just loves royals.
13:04Queen Elizabeth on one leg, Diana on the other leg, but the one he really regrets is his Andrew Tramp
13:10stamp.
13:13And it's recent.
13:15As they bade a grateful nation farewell, it's fair to say that the royals had truly captured the public's imagination.
13:22Do you know who that is?
13:23Like the Queen or something?
13:24Queen Mary.
13:25Queen Mary.
13:26And King Frederick.
13:27Like Jesus' mum.
13:30Yep, that's the one.
13:34Still to come, Trump picks on someone literally his own size.
13:38Plus, Reece Nicholson has been doing their own research again, and it will change the way you look at the
13:42sky forever.
13:43But first, for years, the marital habits of Mormons have captured the world's imagination.
13:48But when a Disney reality show documented the fallout of a full-blown Mormon swinging sex scandal, naturally it piqued
13:55the curiosity of our own Margaret Pomerantz.
14:03Good evening, I'm Margaret Pomerantz, and being able to cry on demand has got me out of countless serious driving
14:08offences.
14:10For some, a person's faith is the bedrock of their lives, providing invaluable spiritual guidance.
14:16And for those of us who aren't nerds, a list of the reasons we're going to hell.
14:22Now, a show lifts the curtain on one of history's most mysterious religions.
14:27Exquisitely combining reverential devotion with a bunch of bitchy skanks.
14:33This is Hulu's The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.
14:39Set in picturesque Utah, the show follows Montauk, a group of Mormons known for celebrating Christ,
14:46by making TikTok videos, and by being involved in a hardcore swinging scandal.
14:53People know me from the whole swinging scandal.
14:56I'm the swinger mom on TikTok.
14:58Oh, your hot stepmom, like, she swings?
15:00Sounds like my bridge club.
15:02Each episode, the cast balances daily life with the strict teachings of Mormonism,
15:07including no drugs or alcohol, and to always uphold behavior deemed Christ-like.
15:12Whitney and I did ketamine.
15:14I have made out with all of the husbands.
15:16I have, like, cum stains in my shorts.
15:19You'll need an enzyme-based detergent and a sturdy, bristled brush.
15:24Of course, in matters of faith, doubts arise, resulting in the relatable quandaries
15:30one has while wrestling with belief.
15:32I have no idea if I am or am not related to Ben Affleck.
15:36I can't remember what my vagina looks like.
15:39But such is the cast's hallowed devotion that qualms are swiftly resolved with revelatory,
15:45faith-fueled inquiry.
15:47Um, any of you guys done anal?
15:49What happens in a Pizza Hut car park stays in a Pizza Hut car park.
15:53On occasion, tensions arise.
15:56What?
15:58Taylor's marriage implodes, and Jessie suggests an arguably healthier alternative to being on the show.
16:05Murder-suicide.
16:06At the heart of the program is the forgiveness of flaws, celebrating female empowerment in pursuit of the divine.
16:14Collars, chains, whips, butt plugs, dildos.
16:18On Monday, I'm getting a labioplasty.
16:20Believers may ponder if such a program is the worthiest representation of one's religious calling.
16:30But the show is about destigmatizing faith, prompting the profound revelation that if Mormonism
16:38was known as such a debauched melange of degenerate depravity...
16:42It was more like orgies.
16:44At this time, you're going to be placed under arrest.
16:46I'd have converted years ago.
16:47Join me next time when I watch German game show, beat Hensler.
16:53If the ring is already in the middle, who wins the game?
16:59Oh man.
17:03Oh, I'm not wrong.
17:07I'm Margaret Pomerantz.
17:09Good evening.
17:11I would rather give birth without an epidural than sit through this any longer.
17:18Let's head into Monday, and with Donald Trump refusing to give up four weeks into the war
17:23with Iran, Americans had a clear message for the president.
17:27If you could say something to President Trump and he was going to hear you right now, what
17:30would it be?
17:31You're a worthless pile of s***.
17:36And you voted for him how many times?
17:42Well, like I always say, when a president acts insane in a way that threatens the entire
17:48world, give them two more chances.
17:51Trump has been learning that starting a war nobody wants is a lot like moving house.
17:56It's hard to find friends keen to help out.
17:58President Donald Trump branding NATO allies cowards for not joining the fight against Iran.
18:05We will not be drawn into the wider war.
18:08There's no convincing plan for how this operation could succeed.
18:12We even had one French official saying that joining the war now would be like buying a ticket
18:17to the Titanic after it had already started sinking.
18:22The official then compared it to buying a ticket on the Hindenburg after it had caught fire,
18:26or buying a ticket to see Melania at any time.
18:31With NATO allies and pretty much everyone else refusing to help,
18:35Trump's Hail Mary was a coalition with Japan.
18:37So he invited their PM to the Oval Office and turned on the charm offensive.
18:42Heavy on the offensive.
18:44Why didn't you tell US allies in Europe and Asia, like Japan, about the war?
18:51We went in very hard, and we didn't tell anybody about it because we wanted surprise.
18:57Who knows better about surprise than Japan?
19:00Why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor?
19:03OK? Right?
19:05To seal the deal, Trump said, if you want to see my Hiroshima impression, pull my finger.
19:16With the Strait of Hormuz still blocked, Trump gave Iran an ultimatum.
19:21US President Donald Trump says Iran has 48 hours to reopen the key Strait of Hormuz,
19:26or else face major repercussions.
19:29Did the US President threaten to obliterate their power plants if they didn't cooperate?
19:34Under the Geneva Conventions, it is wrong to target civilian infrastructure.
19:39Nah, the old, do as I say, or I'll commit a massive war crime trick.
19:44Well, at least the Hague won't have to look too hard for evidence.
19:47Critics believed Trump's ultimatum sounded like bullshit.
19:51But it turns out, 48 hours later, it was bullshit.
19:54Donald Trump has postponed his threat of American attacks on Iran.
19:58The US President this morning claiming the country is in, quote,
20:02very strong talks towards resolving the conflict.
20:05Tonight, Iran insists, quote,
20:06no talks with the US have taken place, saying any claims to the contrary are aimed at influencing
20:12financial and oil markets.
20:14Are you speaking with Iran?
20:16A top, a top person.
20:17But we're dealing with a man who I believe is the most respected and the leader.
20:23Is that the most respected leader?
20:25No, I'm not the superior leader.
20:27Is that the most respected leader?
20:28Yeah.
20:28No, I totally have a girlfriend.
20:31She's really hot.
20:32She just goes to a different school.
20:35In Iran.
20:37Yeah, and we've done it twice.
20:39So with no friends, no negotiations, no ships passing through the strait and no end in sight,
20:44Donald Trump did what any wartime leader would do in a crisis.
20:48And this is true.
20:49He went to Elvis's house.
20:52President Trump now arriving at Greaseland for a bit of a detour on his stop.
20:57Unfortunately, I never met Elvis.
20:59And that would be one I would have liked a lot.
21:01Elvis had two eighth degree black belts in karate.
21:03One was in Kenpo.
21:04Was he really good or was it just?
21:06Actually, he was really good.
21:07He started practicing.
21:08Could I have taken him in a fight?
21:10And why not?
21:10If Trump can't beat Iran, maybe he can beat dead Elvis.
21:17To Tuesday and parents in Victoria had to figure out what to do with their kids.
21:22More than 30,000 teachers have taken to the streets of Melbourne demanding more pay
21:28and better conditions.
21:29Demanding more pay, better conditions and more importantly, less shitty kids.
21:34Here to lighten the mood, someone who's been educating themself.
21:38Would you please welcome Rhys Nicholson?
21:47Hello, Charles.
21:48Oh, Rhys.
21:49It's been a huge week of wars, global instability.
21:52What can you bring us to lighten the mood?
21:54And what do you mean by lighten the mood?
21:56What am I?
21:56Just a clown to you, Charles?
21:58Just here to make you laugh?
22:00Yeah, it's literally what it says in your contract.
22:02Well, not tonight.
22:04I'm locked in and it might be the medication.
22:08Have you taken your medication?
22:09Yes.
22:10In fact, I've taken double.
22:13Double dosing Viagra again, Rhys.
22:15Sorry.
22:19This week, I came across footage of a man in Palm Beach that went viral because people
22:24thought it might be Jeffrey Epstein alive, driving in a convertible.
22:29You came across it?
22:31That's a personal question, Charles.
22:34It was part of an ongoing investigation on Reddit.
22:38Oh, of course it was.
22:39I thought, this is it.
22:41We've got him.
22:46Epstein is alive.
22:51Yeah, that just kind of looks AI to me.
22:56That's what they want you to think, Charles.
22:59That we're being fooled by technology, but then we tracked him down.
23:04So you're not Jeffrey Epstein?
23:05I'm not Jeffrey Epstein.
23:07I'm Palm Beach Pete.
23:08It's Palm Beach Pete.
23:11Local celebrity with an unfortunate face.
23:13Not AI, just Pete.
23:15Yeah, a tough week for Pete.
23:17Release the Palm Beach Pete files, Charles.
23:20Wait, there's a Palm Beach Pete file?
23:27Right, right.
23:29So, all right.
23:31So what do you think we'll be in the Palm Beach Pete files?
23:36Who knows?
23:37Probably just 300 incredibly shaky photos taken at a Steely Dan tribute show.
23:42That would be my guess.
23:43But maybe we're just being distracted, Charles.
23:46It's a classic Pete and Switch.
23:48We're all looking at him.
23:49He is a very shiny man.
23:51When we should be looking at the clouds, Charles.
23:54The clouds!
23:55Yeah, everyone on the staff is really worried about you.
23:58That's right.
23:59It's another Conspiracy Theoracies.
24:01Roll the tape!
24:03Your call is important to us.
24:06Is it?
24:06Please hold while we transfer you.
24:09I've been quietly transferred so many times, I'm starting to feel like the leader of a church.
24:13When it comes to conspiracies, there's no greater villain than the government.
24:17They're the shadowy masterminds manipulating the public and pulling more strings than the
24:22quality control manager at the tampon factory.
24:25Fake moon landings, microchips in vaccines, MyGov.
24:30The problem is theories like this rely on the government being competent, which feels...
24:35Your call is important to us.
24:40Ambitious.
24:41There is one question that's kept online truthers chomping at the keys for decades.
24:46What are those lines in the sky that you see trailing jets?
24:51What is that?
24:52Yeah, what is that?
24:55Chemtrails.
24:55The idea that those lines in the sky aren't condensation or God having a big night on the bags.
25:02The nefarious chemicals being spread by the powers that be.
25:06We are currently experiencing a higher than usual volume of calls.
25:11Unlike most conspiracies, this one is visible.
25:16You can point at it.
25:18Oh, that's nice.
25:20Oh, no.
25:22What's that about?
25:24And it's not just Mensa Reddit that believes it.
25:27Some elected officials say it could be true.
25:29A lot of it now is coming out of the jet fuel.
25:32Yes, sir.
25:33So, you know, those materials are put in jet fuel.
25:35We, I'm going to do everything in my power to stop it.
25:41Phew!
25:41Well, I feel a lot better.
25:43RFK Jr. and Dr. Phil are real who's who of what's wrong with them.
25:48I wonder what the brain worm thinks about it.
25:51OK, now let's say one plane is spraying chemicals.
25:55Now multiply that by every flight, every airline, every airport, every country.
26:00Not to mention international airspace laws, scientists, health departments, whistleblowers.
26:07And yet, no-one's posting it online, leaking it to a current affair, screaming in the face
26:12of their lover mid-coitus that they're a vital cog in an international poisoning scheme.
26:17Ah, that seems about right.
26:20Conspiracies work best when there's a clear villain and a payoff.
26:24Big Pharma, hiding side effects, cash money, mass surveillance, information, control.
26:30Chemtrails.
26:31Billions of dollars spent, perfect coordination, and for what I can see, absolutely no return on
26:37investment. That just doesn't sound on brand for the government.
26:41Oh, hang on. Hello?
26:44You are caller number 412.
26:50Look, the problem with government conspiracies isn't that they assume that the government is evil,
26:56it's that they assume that they're capable. Capable of working in perfect coordination,
27:01capable of keeping a secret, capable of everyone just doing their jobs on multiple department levels.
27:08So if chemtrails are real, maybe the government should shift some of that focus to, I don't know,
27:13aged care, health care, the roads. Hello? Hello?
27:17Your call is important to us. Mother.
27:24And so we arrive on Wednesday and the release of the annual World Happiness Report.
27:30Finland has once again taken the crown as the world's happiest country for a record ninth year
27:35in a row. The annual global report ranks countries based on their population's evaluation of quality
27:41of life. And it's not such good news for Australia. We have slipped down the list.
27:47Australia ranked number 15 on the UN's World Happiness Report.
27:50A disappointing result. And one Aussie took our nation's slide particularly hard.
27:56Australia ranked number 15 on the UN's World Happiness Report.
28:03That is all for tonight. Would you please thank Rhys Nicholson, Margaret Pomerantz and Steph Tisdale.
28:10If you'd like to be in our studio audience, just scan the code on your screen right now. And don't
28:16forget to tune in to my radio show, TGIF, Friday afternoons on ABC Radio and Radio National,
28:21or just download it on the ABC Listen app. Rhys and I will be back next week, joined by the
28:26hilarious Nicolette Minster and UK comedy superstar, Phil Wang, Philly Philly Wang Wang. Until then,
28:31on behalf of the team, thanks for watching. I'm Charlie Bickering. Good night.
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