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7 Days (NZ) Season 18 Episode 1
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FunTranscript
00:22Welcome to a brand spanking new season of 7 Days.
00:26I'm your brand spanking same host Jeremy Corbett
00:28and joining me are a brand spanks-wearing collection of comics hellbent
00:32on laughing in the face of most chat-worthy news of the week.
00:36Let's meet them, shall we?
00:37The leader of Team 1 was the youngest Billy T Award winner ever.
00:40So young, even got invited to Epstein's Island.
00:42It's Rhys Matthews.
00:45Thank you, Jeremy.
00:46And it was a pleasure to see you there.
00:50We have got a great Team 1 this evening.
00:52They are the prom king and queen of GloriaVale 2015.
00:55It's Jack Lenson, Rhys, Ben!
01:01Just to be clear, I was there for the catering.
01:04Over on Team 2, feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up.
01:08It's Henwood time.
01:09It's Die Henwood!
01:10Thank you very much.
01:12Pleasure to be here.
01:14Oh, namaste.
01:15On Team 2 tonight, we've basically got the Thelma and Louise of comedy,
01:19which I suppose makes me the Brad Pitt, but whatever.
01:22Whatever.
01:22Give it up for Abby Howells and Justine Smith.
01:28All righty.
01:29Our first round for 2026 is Newsmakers.
01:32Why mess with perfection?
01:33This is where our comedians must decipher which news story or clip I provide is all about.
01:37And Team 1, you're up first.
01:39Why is this in the news?
01:41I haven't done it once.
01:42You can f***.
01:43You haven't done it once?
01:44I haven't done it once.
01:45Oh.
01:46Oh, this is just a regular flat meeting about how we all need to empty the dishwasher.
01:52Is this razor trying to reapply for All Black's coat?
01:55Oh, I haven't done it.
01:56I've never done it.
01:57I've never done it.
01:58Well, based on the fact that he looks like he's curling, is it sex?
02:06That is the real answer.
02:08The Winter Olympics is heating up, Jeremy, because the Canadian Cold Lawn Bowls team have been accused of cheating.
02:14Yeah, well done, Team 1.
02:16The Winter Olympics have been rocked by a string of controversies, actually.
02:19You had crotch gait in the ski jumping, Team Canada, they're accused of cheating in the curling.
02:24And, of course, that Norwegian biathlete tearfully confessing to cheating on his girlfriend.
02:28Have you seen the biathlete, I don't know if you've seen, that's where they ski and shoot rifles,
02:32which is all good when they do it, but when I show up to Snow Planet with a handgun, I'm
02:35apparently not a natural.
02:40So, what's crotch gait?
02:42Crotch gait is, so, in the big ski jump where they do the massive ski jump,
02:46they've been wearing looser uniforms or outfits, which gives them a more aerodynamic profile
02:51and keeps them in the air longer and gives them a longer jump.
02:54Why is it to do with the crotches?
02:56Because that's where they've got the extra material.
02:59Everyone has extra material there, don't they?
03:00Not me.
03:02Well, actually, the older you get, the more perfect you are for the long ski jump, I'm honest.
03:07Yuck!
03:10I hate to bring this back to curling.
03:13Yeah.
03:14Nice.
03:16Please do.
03:17But isn't curling itself cheating?
03:20Like, shouldn't they do it when the water's not frozen?
03:22That would be more impressive.
03:25Throwing a stone quick enough, skipping it across the water.
03:27Skipping a stone and then having to...
03:30I wouldn't do that on TV.
03:32No, I'm talking about the curling, not the venus.
03:37It annoys me too, because, you know, if you know there's going to be an event on the ice that
03:40day,
03:41clean it up beforehand.
03:44Yeah!
03:45There's this rush drop in the middle of it, it's like, we see you there, guys.
03:51Genuine question.
03:52If you fall and hurt yourself at the Winter Olympics, instead of putting you on ice, do they just leave
03:57you there?
03:59I don't know if you like curling.
04:00If you like curling, curling's a sport for people who are old enough to enjoy lawn bowls, but young enough
04:05to survive a slip on the ice.
04:06Yeah, that's right.
04:08It's one of those great sports in the Olympics you watch and think, I could still make that team.
04:16I feel like there might be a bit more to it.
04:18It's a bit like saying you could do the luge, because you could sit in a toboggan going down an
04:22icy trail.
04:22Oh, yeah, the luge looks easy!
04:25Have you seen the one where they lie on top of each other?
04:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:28I don't know if you're watching the luge.
04:31Oh, trust me, I am.
04:33How did that conversation start?
04:36Well, like, who's top and bottom?
04:38No, like, to go, hey man, do you want to lie on top of me and this hoon down the
04:43mountain together?
04:45And we'll put on real tight clothes and, you know, just lie on top of me and we'll go real,
04:50like a hydroslide, but really dangerous and we'll be in, like, real tight clothes and just like.
04:57Don't worry if it's hard, I just objected it for you.
05:00That's right.
05:01You know, one of the worst mistakes I made as a young man was the first time I went snowboarding.
05:07We went up the mountain and there was a photographer there from a snowboarding magazine.
05:12And I went up and told him that I was a pro snowboarder and he went, sweet ass, hop on
05:19the chairlift and I'll take you to this jump and I'll take a photo of you.
05:23And so I went up there and I could skateboard so I knew how to stand on it and I
05:28just, we're fanging down this hill.
05:30Oh God.
05:30And he sent me the photo, I'm completely upside down and just before my head smacked into a rock and
05:39then I got airlifted off the mountain.
05:43The photo was amazing.
05:46All right, any more for that?
05:48We'll move on.
05:49Over to you team two, have a look at this clip, tell me what it's all about.
05:53That's a wonderful reputation to have, I'm very pleased to hear that news.
05:56Oh, it does, there's Bill Clinton with a Kiwi accent, isn't there?
06:00It does look like that.
06:01Wait, has he just, I know what he's proud of, he's the guy in the street that puts the bins
06:06out first so everyone knows what bin date is.
06:09Oh, I like to call them the binfluencer.
06:13God bless that person.
06:14I know, it's certainly not our house.
06:16Oh, is this about Hamilton becoming the new Wellington?
06:21Hamilton becoming the new Wellington?
06:23So what, like the new Wellington like culture or capital?
06:27No, capital, aren't they thinking about, am I right?
06:29I'm not even the team captain, you say it.
06:31OK.
06:36Hamilton is going to become the new capital of New Zealand?
06:41What is wrong with you?
06:43Did you hit your head while skiing?
06:46Yeah, you're right.
06:47Off the back of being voted New Zealand's safest city from natural disasters,
06:51there have been calls to move the politicians there and make Hamilton the capital of Aotearoa, New Zealand.
06:57Great way to bring down Hamilton's chlamydia numbers, isn't it?
06:59Bring in thousands of New Zealand's least f***able people.
07:05You're a Wellington boy, so you're probably a little patriotic for the capital stone.
07:09Well, what are you going to do with a beehive when it empties?
07:11Turn it into a chemist's warehouse.
07:14Not bad.
07:15You'd have the Panadol on one level and then you'd move up to the stronger drugs.
07:20The top level is your tramadol.
07:21You've got to serve the Westford Green up the top.
07:25I think the problem is in government you want good decision making.
07:28And I've never made a good decision in Hamilton.
07:31Yeah.
07:32Even the decision to go to Hamilton was not a good decision.
07:37Do we even need a capital?
07:39I mean, surely we can sort out most of our issue with, like, a WhatsApp group or something.
07:43I mean, no, they pride themselves on being the largest inland city, right?
07:47I'm like, is that a brag?
07:49Like, oh, no thanks to the beach and fresh air.
07:53Yeah, but, I mean, Wellington's not really nailing the beach at the moment.
07:573,000 litres of shit.
08:00Wait, so Hamilton's the safest city from natural disasters?
08:03Apparently.
08:04Then why does it look like that?
08:07Not even the natural disasters want to go there.
08:16If they move the politicians there, they'll have a bloody field, eh?
08:21Oh, God, I hate myself.
08:24I think...
08:26Well, I'm from Dunedin, so I'll make an advocate for Dunedin being the capital.
08:31I'll say, Dunedin, yeah, it's cold, but think about this.
08:34We've got the best murders, baby, the best murders in the country.
08:38Sorry about that.
08:39Not the highest amount of murders, but the murders we do have are like,
08:42Mamma Mia!
08:45It's now time to turn this fun little game into a competitive bloodbath by using points.
08:49Team 1, I'll give you the number of episodes of 7 Days in Existence, 445.
08:54You are watching 446.
08:56That's your score.
08:57Team 2, you get the number of kakapo in Existence, 237,
09:01after Yasmin had one of her eggs hatch on Valentine's Day.
09:05Although it won't officially be added to the tally until it fledges.
09:08It does mean that Team 1 gets our first star of the night.
09:12Well done.
09:15What are they playing for, I hear you ask?
09:17I do hear you.
09:18Apart from the glory, it's a prize plucked right from the headlines.
09:22Say ooh or ah as you take a look at this week's prize.
09:25There it is.
09:26Our tribute to the signature dish of the Italian Winter Olympics,
09:30the frozen pizza.
09:33The winning team will take home their own leaning tower
09:36to cook from frozen, munch through like an ice block,
09:39or hurl through their neighbour's window like an icy frisbee.
09:42Congratulations.
09:43Time now on 7 Days for Yes Minister,
09:45where we pick a politician, fly them to Auckland,
09:47make them stand over there until I introduce them.
09:49This week we have the newly named leader of the party formerly known as Top,
09:53the Opportunity Party.
09:54Give it up for Q Lay Wong!
09:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:00Q Lay, welcome to the show.
10:02Q, if I may be so bold,
10:04your job to answer the questions from these reporters,
10:07in inverted commas, without saying yes or no.
10:10Got it?
10:10OK. Got it.
10:11OK, got it.
10:12Take it away.
10:13Q, I worked on Dancing with the Stars closely with David Seymour.
10:18Do you know any good therapists?
10:20LAUGHTER
10:22I would love to go on Dancing with the Stars if you can get me on there.
10:25Ooh!
10:27Q Lay, my friend claims to be a bottom, can he still vote for you?
10:32LAUGHTER
10:34We've moved on, we've moved on.
10:36It's just opportunity.
10:37Q, I read that you lived in London,
10:41worked in fashion,
10:42and then met a man from Palmerston North.
10:45Would you agree that sentence goes from real good to real bad?
10:48Yeah.
10:49And are you putting politics at the end of that as well?
10:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:53Yeah.
10:54Gareth Morgan came on the show, but I'm okay now.
10:57Um...
10:57LAUGHTER
10:59He was very anti-cats,
11:01and obviously I'm very much into cats.
11:03I also have a husband breaking the rule, but I, um...
11:07LAUGHTER
11:07I'm just wondering, Q, are our pussies safe in your hands?
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12LAUGHTER
11:12Very safe, very safe.
11:14Don't flirt with me.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:17LAUGHTER
11:19Oh, I was just going to say, so your nickname is Q.
11:21Did you shorten it from Qlay
11:23so that Christopher Luxon will be able to pronounce it?
11:26Yeah, I thought we needed to mix it up with all the Chris's, you know?
11:29Yeah, nice.
11:29So they spice it up a bit, a little bit.
11:31Speaking of names,
11:32so it went from the Opportunities Party to just Opportunity.
11:36Is that because New Zealand's in such a bad place
11:37you can't promise more than one opportunity?
11:40LAUGHTER
11:40LAUGHTER
11:42LAUGHTER
11:42We've really got one opportunity to save everything,
11:45and this election is it.
11:46Yeah, and on researching you for this,
11:50it was actually really hard
11:50because you don't actually have a Wikipedia.
11:52Did you know that?
11:53I do know that.
11:54But I've made you one.
11:56LAUGHTER
11:57I don't know if that's creepy, but I did make you...
12:00Have you actually?
12:01Yes!
12:01Because we've been looking for someone to help us with it.
12:03And I have put in here,
12:06Wong is close personal friends with New Zealand comedian Jack Ansett
12:09and thinks he's a crack-up.
12:10Don't say no.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:12I think that's going to help us get over the 5%.
12:15Yay!
12:17Just to answer your question, Jack,
12:19yes, that is majorly creepy.
12:22LAUGHTER
12:22LAUGHTER
12:22Yeah!
12:23It needed to be done!
12:24It did need to be done, and our comms team will be very happy with you.
12:28Well, it's been deleted
12:29because there's some false information on there.
12:32LAUGHTER
12:33I'll do it again.
12:34Wikipedia's like,
12:35Jack Ansett's not crack-up.
12:37LAUGHTER
12:38He's all right.
12:39Well, as a centrist party,
12:41you've kind of got a coalition on the table with anyone.
12:44You know, Hipkins, Luxon, Peters, Seymour, Swarbrick, Waititi.
12:49So let's play a quick game of shoot, shag, shag, shag, man.
12:53LAUGHTER
12:53Shag, shag, shag?
12:55LAUGHTER
12:57It's a hard one.
12:58It is a hard one.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:00And the answer is...
13:02I think we will be sort of the therapist
13:04helping them all get along.
13:06LAUGHTER
13:06Maybe learning how to, uh, yeah, shag each other.
13:10I don't know.
13:11LAUGHTER
13:12Wow!
13:14You are getting votes right now.
13:16You are getting votes.
13:17Speaking of hills, I saw on your Instagram
13:19that in 2017 you went to Machu Picchu.
13:22Sorry, I'm creepy and you're stalking...
13:26LAUGHTER
13:27Yeah.
13:28It's more of a vibe thing, Jack.
13:30Did you also have one of the alpacas steal your sandwich?
13:34Do you know what?
13:35I didn't actually do Machu Picchu.
13:37I only went to, like, the start of that walk.
13:40So it's a bit of a false information...
13:42Oh, no, you're made for politics.
13:44LAUGHTER
13:45OK, so say it's late at night
13:48and, uh...
13:50You wake up, you hear a noise
13:51and there's, like, a murderer in your house
13:54and he's, like, running towards you with a knife
13:56but his fly's undone.
13:57What are you...
13:58What are you going to mention?
13:59LAUGHTER
14:01I'm not sure where that question was going.
14:05Yeah.
14:05Very common reaction.
14:06You thought my question was weird.
14:08I've been sitting on that being, like,
14:10oh, she's going to love the question.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:14Do you know how calm you would have to be to notice that?
14:18I know...
14:19LAUGHTER
14:19Like, if you woke up in the middle of the night
14:22and there was a dude running at you with a knife...
14:25I can see him.
14:25I don't reckon you look straight at his dick.
14:28You're looking at the...
14:29I'm going the knife, I reckon, not...
14:31Although you're at bed level, so, you know...
14:34Yeah, oh, that's true.
14:35You would be looking at it...
14:35Do not get sucked into this conversation.
14:38LAUGHTER
14:39You are now based in Mount Albert, I believe.
14:42Yes.
14:42Have you ever got...
14:43That's a yes.
14:45LAUGHTER
14:46Nice.
14:47You've done very well.
14:47Give it up for Kool-Aid, all!
14:49Yes, Kool-Aid.
14:50Thanks very much.
14:51And congratulations, team two!
14:53Well done!
14:54Right, time now for the Burger Fuel Brain Grill.
14:58Brought to us by our brand-new sponsor.
14:59Thank you, Burger Fuel.
15:00This is where we turn back the pages of time
15:02and test our team's powers of recollection.
15:04Given that it's 30 years, I learnt,
15:06since Burger Fuel first opened their delicious doors,
15:09we're going to go back 30 as well.
15:10So the magical year of 1995.
15:13Team one.
15:15You stop me, I never stop,
15:18I never stop, I never stop...
15:19What was that all about?
15:21It's your bachelor party, Gobi.
15:23LAUGHTER
15:25And this is the baggage carousel
15:27after getting off Epstein's plane.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30That was, as many of you know,
15:32the launch of Windows 95
15:34with Bill Badboy Gates leading the moves,
15:37just going to show that in 30 years,
15:39white men have not learnt how to dance.
15:42LAUGHTER
15:42Don't worry, team two,
15:43you're going to get a turn next break
15:44and you at home will get a chance later in the show
15:46to win thanks to the bloody legends at Burger Fuel.
15:49I'm very tired, need a break.
15:50Stick around, though,
15:51because we've got Slice of Seven when we return on Seven Days.
15:54CHEERING
16:03Ah, you came back!
16:05Great to see your, what I imagine,
16:07are incredibly beautiful faces.
16:08Time now for Slice of Seven,
16:10where real-life musicians take their real-life songs
16:12and ruin them by changing them to be about a news story.
16:15This week we are joined in the studio
16:17by one of our favourites,
16:18a band that's been crushing it on American talk shows.
16:20Now they're on my talk show,
16:22back home just to come on Seven Days.
16:24Give it up for the Beths!
16:25CHEERING
16:30Team One, we'll begin with you.
16:32Are you ready to decipher the Beths song
16:34and tell me what they're singing about?
16:35I'm so pumped.
16:36Yes.
16:36Beths in your own time.
16:37Take it away.
16:45I found money in my wall cavity
16:48200,000 in notes
16:52Wanted to give it to charity
16:56JK, I want a brand new boat
17:00My cash is stashed, guarded by wads
17:04Kept so worn by pink bats
17:07And the cops, they want it
17:12Dread shit and damn
17:14My roof is richer than I am
17:19Damn shit and jeez
17:22If you find cash, don't tell the police
17:26Cause I can't buy bugs
17:27I can't shop
17:28I can't buy wine
17:30The cash was earned due to crime
17:33So next time
17:35I'll keep my lips sealed
17:50What do you reckon?
17:51There was talk of money?
17:53Talk of walls?
17:54Roofs?
17:55Ceilings?
17:55Yes.
17:56Money in the roof.
17:58You take it away, Rhys.
18:01Money in the roof, Jeremy.
18:03I'll need more.
18:04I think it was a Christchurch couple
18:07Found some money in their roof
18:09When they moved in.
18:09Oh, okay, yeah.
18:11As far as I can tell.
18:11We'll go with
18:12My official answer is
18:13What Brinley said.
18:15Good words to live by, Rhys.
18:18Yes, a Christchurch couple
18:19Is embroiled in a legal fight
18:20To keep the $200,000 in cash
18:22They found in their ceiling.
18:24Police claim the couple
18:25Don't get to keep the money
18:26Because it may have been earned
18:27Through crime.
18:28And to underline that
18:29The police have consistently said
18:31That money isn't yours to spend
18:32Just because it happens to be in your house
18:34Are you listening to this, honey?
18:46Oh, I'm the bad guy.
18:48Yeah, so found $200,000
18:50But the police are saying
18:51Proceeds of crime, can't have it.
18:53Christchurch couple
18:53I think Jack and Brinley
18:55Should be allowed to keep it.
18:57So it was in their roof as insulation.
19:00Yes.
19:01Look, I wish my house had insulation.
19:05All I found in my ceiling was some really old candy floss.
19:11It's not candy floss.
19:14And it tasted fine, but there's a devil on the other end.
19:18Oregon!
19:20I mean, yeah, the people that own the money,
19:23they must be in prison,
19:24and they say Seven Days has actually watched quite a lot in prison,
19:28so those people I'd just like to say,
19:30Ha-shame?
19:33No, no, no.
19:34Yeah, you do realise that some people get out of prison, Jack.
19:38Yeah, you did, David Bain.
19:39No, I'm sorry.
19:41No, no, no.
19:44Yeah, I did. And why? And why?
19:49Do you know if they were, like, vacuum-packed into little...
19:52I don't. Yeah, I'd like to know.
19:54Little piles, like you see on television?
19:55It's a definite giveaway of the proceeds of crime, isn't it?
19:58The vacuum-packing.
19:59Is it?
20:00Oh, yeah.
20:01I've got a couple of winter jerseys under my bed
20:03that aren't a crime scene.
20:05They're a fashion crime scene.
20:07You'd be surprised.
20:14Alright, team two, we're coming to you now.
20:16Beths, are you ready for a song?
20:18OK.
20:18Tell me what story the Beths are singing about.
20:21All yours.
20:21One, two, three, four.
20:27I thought I would go out flying
20:31But the planes have all been grounded
20:34Cause the cabin crews are crying
20:38They're because all the ships are wet
20:41They are sick of all the sick bags
20:45And they're heading to the exit
20:48But at least this major airstrike won't involve that day's the first
20:55Cause they're pain
20:57Cause they're pain
20:58So long, long
21:00So long, long
21:02That's a big
21:04That's a big
21:05Fighting honor
21:07No, no, no
21:08I guess I'll take
21:10Yes, I'll take
21:12An Uber
21:13An Uber
21:15On the way
21:17On the way
21:18To Rotorua
21:20To Rotorua
21:22Please don't show
21:25The safety video
21:28To them again
21:33OK, look, I was sort of transcripts by the music
21:41And I wasn't really listening
21:43I heard
21:43I heard sick bags
21:45Sick bags
21:46Which is my stripper name
21:47And I also
21:51Ladies and gentlemen, please
21:53Welcome
21:53Welcome to the podium
21:55Sick bags
22:02Hurt my neck
22:06And on
22:07Don't watch the safety
22:08Please don't play the safety video
22:10So it's about flight attendants
22:12Right?
22:12I think
22:12And they've been in the news
22:14Yeah, oh
22:15Because they're striking
22:16They are striking
22:17Oh
22:18Jeremy
22:18Flight attendants
22:20Are
22:21Striking
22:22So I don't know
22:23Where you're gonna
22:24Put your dollar bills
22:25And demand
22:26Oh my god
22:27Serve your more cassava chips
22:32Not true
22:32Not true
22:34Good luck to anyone
22:35Taking a flight this month
22:36Flight attendants
22:36Across the nation
22:37Are striking
22:38On three separate occasions
22:39Throughout February
22:40Cabin staff want more money
22:42As well as better work conditions
22:43In fact, the harsh working conditions
22:45Have caused many cabin crew
22:46To walk off the job
22:47And immediately plummet to their deaths
22:52Do you reckon
22:52When they walked off the job
22:53Lights illuminated
22:54To show them the way out
22:55Or
22:57It was a tough job though
22:58I can see it as a tough job
23:00Apparently on one international flight
23:01They deserve over 300 drinks
23:04Right?
23:04And that was just a Winston Peters
23:06Yeah
23:08Well, it'll be good to finally vape
23:10On the plane
23:11Without any f***ing narcs
23:18Did you see Jetstar's response to this?
23:21They were
23:21Hmm, we should get flight attendants
23:26In New Zealand said
23:27They had actually allocated money
23:28To pay the attendants more
23:30But one of the staff members
23:31Left it in the ceiling of the house
23:32They were selling in Christchurch
23:34Well, they've been in negotiations
23:35For nine months
23:36So they got told that the pay rise
23:38Was due
23:39And then they were told it was delayed
23:41And then they were told it was
23:42Diverted to Palmerston North
23:46So they got
23:47Did you know pilots
23:48Are one of the few professions
23:49Where you wear short sleeves
23:51And a tie?
23:52What about banking?
23:54Another one?
23:55Casa
23:56Another one?
23:59There's a few actually
24:00Insurance broker
24:02Oh no, only
24:03No, you're thinking of a Mormon insurance broker
24:05Oh yeah, that's
24:05Well they did get a pay offer
24:08From Air New Zealand
24:09And apparently the flight attendants said
24:11That it was rubbish
24:11Any rubbish?
24:14Any rubbish?
24:16I hope the flight attendants get more money
24:18The Beths
24:19They're back in the country
24:20To a nationwide tour this March
24:22Head to thebeths.com
24:23For all the ticket info
24:24And please listen to the real version
24:25Their excellent new album
24:26Straight Line was a lie
24:27One more time for the Beths
24:35We go to the points now
24:36Team one, you've earned a thousand
24:38That's the new amount of space launches
24:39Rocket launches allowed in New Zealand
24:41The initial cap of a hundred
24:42Set nine years ago
24:43Is set to be reached
24:44So you're allowed more
24:44Good stuff
24:45Team two, you can have the amount
24:46Social media star Logan
24:48Pold a Pokemon card for
24:49$27.3 million
24:51What?
24:52He bought it five years ago
24:54For $8.7 million
24:56$23.4 million
24:57Beach space
24:58Team two, you get a star
24:59Congratulations
25:00Oh
25:02A car is out?
25:04I don't know
25:04You know what
25:05You know what time it is
25:07We're coming up to a break
25:08So thanks to Burger Fuel
25:09We've got another Burger Fuel brain grill for you
25:11This is team two this time
25:12What's going on in this story
25:13It is from 1995
25:19Good evening
25:19Well it was just a walk in the park
25:21Except the park blew up
25:25Oh
25:25This is when you're a bit pissed
25:27And you're trying to explain to your partner
25:29Why you're home late
25:31Just walked into the park
25:32And the park blew up
25:37That's
25:37Of course
25:38The wonderful John Hawksby
25:39The eruption of Mount Ruapehu
25:41That shook the North Island back on September 23rd 1995
25:44Who could forget
25:45I couldn't
25:45I was up there with my mates
25:47We were getting rid of some dynamite into the crater
25:48And next to
25:49Oh boy
25:50Remember your chance to win
25:51Thanks to Burger Fuel is coming up later in the show
25:53Break time now though
25:54Come back with your togs on
25:55When we return
25:56We're off to the beach
25:57It's Club Topicana
25:58See you soon
26:08Welcome back to Seven Days
26:10It's raining and it's windy
26:11Must be summer
26:12What better time to head to the beach for Club Topicana
26:14Play the steel drums
26:26This year we've ditched Dole
26:28And replaced them with a better pineapple partner
26:30Psych!
26:31Ha ha!
26:31We'd never leave you Dole
26:33You're the pinnacle of pineapples
26:34We're in a lifelong committed relationship
26:36Now inside this spiky fruity orb
26:38We're a collection of my favourite stories from the week
26:40Ones that wet my whistle and had me thirsty for more
26:43So let's dive in shall we?
26:45Here we go
26:46Ah yes
26:47The Winter Olympics on right now as mentioned
26:49But they're so far away
26:51Geographically
26:51What if they were closer?
26:53What if they were in New Zealand?
26:54I'd like to see some scenes from a Kiwi Olympics please
27:00What, so you're supposed to have a swimming heat?
27:02No, every Tuesday we have half the pool booked out for aquarobics
27:11And they're picking up speed
27:13Oh crashing right into the Michael Hill jeweller
27:15They've taken the gold, they've taken the silver
27:18They've taken everything
27:24Alright, no snow for the bobsled this year so we've improvised
27:27And you're just going to be riding this chilli bin lid down Man Eden
27:36And to beat the Australian he is going to need an 8.2 metre splash on this manu
27:46And taking gold it is the Avondale Bomb Squad
27:57I'll be here for the high jump
28:17I'll be here for the high jump
28:19They're coming out of the water now
28:20They are scanning the QR codes on the Lime scooters
28:23And they are off!
28:31That's 24, 25, 26 folks we've reached a new level of cars stuck behind a juicy camper
28:43Oh my god, look at that incredible fireworks display over Eden Park to mark the opening ceremony of the Olympic
28:50Games
28:50Oh and what's that, oh the crowd are leaving to beat the traffic
29:00And as we see the marathon runners rounding the final bend, the New Zealand crowd erupts into calling them try
29:07-hards
29:11I hope you're taking note, New Zealand Olympic Committee, think there's some good ideas in there
29:15Yep, we move to our next story
29:16Over our break there were lots of oddball things happening over in the USA
29:21Especially at the President's place
29:22The White House
29:23It's got me wondering what goes on behind the scenes there
29:26Let's take us inside team
29:28I'd like to hear some examples of things overheard in the White House
29:36Okay, so one more time President Trump
29:38When the gun goes off you go
29:45Hi, I'm Keith, I just moved in next door
29:47As a condition of my parole I have to inform you that I'm a registered sex offender
29:51Oh same!
29:52Phew!
30:02Make
30:04Great green card
30:06Look angry
30:08Make movie
30:17Oh God, here we go
30:21Hey Grock, how to run country
30:25That was my Trump impression
30:27I can't, I can't
30:29I thought you were doing Putin
30:31Anyway, sorry, sorry
30:34Hang on a second, I just got a great text from my very good friend Jeremy Corbyn
30:40He's the funniest man
30:44I met him on a beautiful island
30:47Oh, it feels like we were there, doesn't it?
30:51Alright, let's have a look at our next story
30:54Oh, Valentine's Day, yes it was this week
30:56Sorry for bringing it up again for all those low grade boyfriends out there who forgot
31:01Like me
31:01Ah, I am bad but I'm sure they were worse
31:04Give me some examples of the worst Valentine's Day please
31:10Oh, this is so lovely babes, date night at the zoo for, and getting to meet my spirit animal
31:15That's so great, thank you
31:16Why have we stopped by this big wrinkly old elephant?
31:27Hi, I'm Jack Anzit
31:30That's me
31:33Good to know no one in the crowd knows my name, ah
31:41Um, hey baby, I thought for this Valentine's Day we could do a little bit of roleplay
31:46Yeah?
31:47Okay, cool
31:48Alright, I rolled a nat 20, a goblin appears from behind the room
32:01Oh God, I'm still Mrs. Corbett
32:10Girl, are you Auckland City? Because I reckon it's another year before I can give you a light rail
32:19Alright, enough romance, let's uh, let's move on
32:22Uh, yes, oh, it is our first day back at work today
32:25And we're all struggling a bit to remember how we make this show
32:27I thought I'd throw that on the beach
32:29And ask the comedians to show me some examples of forgetting how to do your job
32:35Hey, settle down, settle down, no one's here to judge you
32:38Now has the jury reached a verdict?
32:46I bless you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy
32:50Holy
32:53Holy
32:54Holy shit, no
32:56Oh no
32:59Hey
33:03Hey man, have a good one
33:12You guys want any change?
33:20Kate, we're gonna get this plane landed safely
33:25Oh, I love this song
33:39Oh, you know, that's definitely safe to use, Mr. Baldwin.
33:50OK, so I'm stuck behind a wall.
33:53I can't find the door.
33:55I can't find the door.
33:57Oh, sorry.
34:04I certainly hope you remember how to do your job and enjoy 2026.
34:09Far too many floaters washing up on the beach right now.
34:11Time to traipse all the sand into our cars and head home to the desk.
34:14Play the steel drums.
34:16Great topic, Anna.
34:18APPLAUSE
34:26Ah, great game of Club Topicana.
34:29For points, skidding a bit of somber, I'm going to salute the celebrity departed.
34:32Team one, you can have the age of Robert Duvall, star of Apocalypse Now and The Godfather, when he passed
34:36away on Monday, 95.
34:38And team two, you get the age of Dawson's Creek star, James Van Der Beek, when he passed away last
34:42week, 48.
34:43Which means that team one gets a shiny star for their star chart.
34:46Woo!
34:49Time for a break now, but glue yourselves to your seats, because after the break, we're playing a brand new
34:53game called Jeremy's Special Game.
34:56You do not want to miss it.
34:58See you soon for seven days.
35:05No, my, picky, my, welcome back one and all to seven days.
35:08Time now for a new segment very excited about this.
35:11It's called Jeremy's Special Game, where I, Jeremy, present a new game I've come up with, which is why I
35:16think it's special, of course.
35:17This week, we are playing Come On, Feel The News.
35:20Or Come On, Feel The News, for Slade fans.
35:24Here, teams must slide their grubby little hands into my rigid box and have a thorough feel of its innards.
35:28Insider objects hinting toward a news story.
35:31Team one, you are the first guinea pigs.
35:34Put your hands in the box.
35:35Have a feel.
35:36Okay.
35:37That's good, yeah.
35:38Put your hands in a box.
35:41So, have a bit of a feel around.
35:43Ooh.
35:44I can put my hand in a box.
35:45Oh, no.
35:46Oh, oh, oh.
35:47Oh, it's his hand, but it's quite scary.
35:51Um, I just felt a virgin.
35:54What?
36:02Correct.
36:03It's not part of the story, Rhys.
36:04Not part of the story.
36:05I'll help you out there.
36:06What are you getting there, Brinley?
36:07An egg.
36:08With a toothpick in it.
36:09I haven't touched anything.
36:10It's grass.
36:11It's grass.
36:12That's an egg cup.
36:13Egg cup and grass.
36:14Grass.
36:14Pull it out the hole.
36:15What's that?
36:15Is that something?
36:16That's something.
36:17Is that a jersey or a jumper?
36:19Jersey, grass, rugby, rugby, jersey, grass, a leg, an egg cup.
36:25What's the egg?
36:26I found a leg.
36:27Is it egg and spoon racing?
36:29It's not egg and spoon racing.
36:30Why would it be that?
36:31It's crowning.
36:32Sorry.
36:34Oh, oh, oh.
36:36This is like the guy running towards you with the knife.
36:39Well, I think I know.
36:41I think I know.
36:41This is the umbrella and the egg cup is Christopher Luxon's baldest f*** head and this is the umbrella
36:49man.
36:50What?
36:50The umbrella at the rugby.
36:52I don't know what the rugby thing is, but it's at the rugby and Christopher Luxon put
36:56the umbrella, stop, over the man with the fluffy head.
37:02A cat.
37:03You're right about everything except the story.
37:08Australia.
37:09Correct.
37:10That's a big part of it.
37:11Can we go on each other's hold?
37:12Put it this way, Di's getting very excited about the story.
37:14Yeah, it's obviously, none of you are religious.
37:16You're literally, Jesus' cloak's in there, man.
37:20Oh, okay, so it's the Warriors.
37:22Oh, no, it's not.
37:24It's not, you're my second Jesus.
37:28You need to go back more towards the Australian thing.
37:30Sorry.
37:31Okay, Christopher Luxon was at a rugby game in Australia.
37:35It was the All Blacks who were playing and he held an umbrella over a man.
37:41Oh, God.
37:42And that man turned out to be Geoffrey Epstein.
37:47That would be a news story, as you can hear from Di's groans.
37:51You are wrong.
37:51Prime Minister Christopher Luxon gallantly held an umbrella over NRL Commissioner Dr. Gary Weiss,
37:57as he announced Eden Park will host its first ever state of origin match.
38:02New Zealand government reportedly paid $5 million for the privilege for that event.
38:07When asked where the money came from, Prime Minister said,
38:08it's amazing what you can afford when you feed school kids cat food.
38:12So, all right, well, Jeremy's special game, already a bit of a success.
38:17I have quietly repositioned the mystery box to Team 2.
38:21It is your turn now, Team 2.
38:23If you'd like to put your hands in there and tell me what story I have made with my objet.
38:29No mucking around, this is like uni.
38:31Oh, right!
38:33Oh, gee, hey, she's...
38:35OK, there's something...
38:35Oh, sorry, is this bread?
38:37Yeah, you're holding something.
38:38No, that's a baguette.
38:40Oh, I hate it.
38:40Hey, that's a...
38:41It's a wet baguette.
38:42That's...
38:45Day-old baguette made by...
38:46Oh, just wets, I just got wets.
38:48A West Auckland baker, I reckon.
38:50What's this?
38:51What else you got in there?
38:53What's this?
38:53Oh, what's that?
38:54Oh, we can't tell you.
38:55Di, take this off me, what is it?
38:56Well, baguette, water...
38:58Oh, gee, what is that?
38:59What is that?
39:00This feels like a soapy shiv.
39:02Might be something that goes in the water.
39:04Do you know what this feels like?
39:05There's two of them.
39:06Oh, this feels like...
39:07Hold on, I'm twiddling the ends on this one.
39:08Me too.
39:09You know what I feel like?
39:10Oh, this is a boat.
39:11Yeah, it's a boat.
39:12Oh, well done.
39:13It's a boat, a French boat.
39:15Oh, yes, it's a French baguette, water, boat...
39:18Crash them together, guys, crash them together.
39:20Water, boat.
39:21And this is a three-week-old systema.
39:27It's not relevant.
39:29It's not relevant to the story.
39:30It's an America's Cup, some shit.
39:33It's your boat crash in France.
39:35Yeah, it is the America's Cup.
39:36There's another clue in there, I think.
39:38There's more stuff that you haven't dealt yet.
39:39Is it?
39:39Towards the back of the boat, towards your side of the boat.
39:41I'm just getting fingers and wits.
39:43There you go.
39:44Here, die, hold this.
39:45What's that?
39:46That's you.
39:47That's me, that's my head.
39:48Oh, that's Abbie.
39:50Not relevant to the story.
39:51Oh, there's no crape paper, no, it's tinfoil.
39:54Who's familiar with this?
39:55A foil?
39:55Is that like a yacht foil?
39:57Yeah, I've interned at Black Power before.
39:58This is a tinny.
40:04A foil is a thing on a boat, eh?
40:05Yeah, the foils on the boat.
40:07You know, get up on the foils, mate.
40:09What are you doing?
40:10No, because they do the, get up on the foils, mate.
40:12OK, I'm getting a really, I mean, when I'm saying...
40:14You've got all the pieces, put it together.
40:16Boat, mate, foil.
40:17Foil, America's Cup, maybe.
40:18Yeah, French, um, rainbow warrior, did that happen recently?
40:24What you're doing at the moment is called doing an anset.
40:27La Francaise.
40:28Remember, they don't know my name.
40:32Doing a jack.
40:34OK.
40:35Hey, Jack, when did you get here?
40:40Good to see you, bro.
40:46Give me a story, Diane.
40:48The next America's Cup is being held in France.
40:51Oh, my God.
40:53Incorrect.
40:54I'll give you the real answer.
40:55Drama on the high seas, as you all know.
40:57The New Zealand black foils, the name of the boat,
40:59were forced out of the Auckland Sail GP
41:00after a high-speed collision with the French boat.
41:03Black foils have had to switch to their backup option,
41:06which is Lisa Carrington in a canoe.
41:09All right, team one.
41:11For points, team one, you can get the height.
41:13Supreme Halberg Award winner Hamish Kirk can jump 2.36 metres.
41:17Pretty high.
41:18Team two, you can have the height of two Dye Hemwards
41:21on top of each other, 3.3 metres.
41:23Hamish couldn't jump use.
41:25Team two wins and gets a star.
41:27Well done.
41:28There he is.
41:29Oh, no, you're right.
41:32Great game of Feel the News.
41:33For the first and last time, you've seen that fantastic game.
41:36Guess the insides of my box.
41:39I've got a few other special games I'd like to introduce you to this season.
41:42In 2026, I can't wait.
41:44But it's time now for you at home to get your brains into gear
41:47for your turn at the Burger Fuel Brain Grill.
41:50What is going on in this image?
41:52It is from 1995, 30 years ago, when Burger Fuel first started.
41:57All right, hit us up on Instagram or Facebook
41:59with your crack-up answer.
42:00You could be taking home dinner thanks to Burger Fuel.
42:03All right, break time now.
42:04When we come back, we are going to crown one of these teams
42:06the inaugural winner for 2026 with Beat the Ding.
42:10See you soon.
42:17Oh, welcome back.
42:21For those of you who have just joined us,
42:23where the hell have you been?
42:24We're about to play our last game.
42:25You missed the bloody Jeremy special.
42:27Like, guess what's in my box?
42:28Oh, it doesn't matter.
42:29I'm going to play Beat the Ding now,
42:31where I put these comedians to the test.
42:32I make them list answers before I go to town on my dinger.
42:36Every successful dingy earns their team
42:39a potentially game-winning star.
42:41All right, let's get dinging.
42:43Here we go.
42:43Former American President Barack Obama said,
42:46aliens exist on a podcast this week.
42:49I agree, about time.
42:50Abby, you've got 13 seconds to name
42:52five American presidents in an alien voice.
42:56Andrew Jackson.
42:59George Washington.
43:01Beat bulb.
43:02Oh, I've got Fitzgerald.
43:06I mean, I mean,
43:07Franklin Roosevelt.
43:09And also, um,
43:11Obama and Ronald Reagan.
43:14That'll do.
43:15That'll do it.
43:16Yeah, well done.
43:16A star for you.
43:17Well done, Abby.
43:19Some Milo bars have been recalled
43:21after concerns the product may contain pieces of rubber.
43:24Not good.
43:25Rhys, 10 seconds to tell me.
43:27In order, the definitive ranking
43:28of the top five chocolate bars in the world.
43:30Go.
43:31Ooh, okay.
43:32Number one with a bullet, Snickers.
43:35Number two, I'm going to go Luxury Flake.
43:38Number three, Whittaker's Peanut Slab.
43:41Number four, Anything Caramello.
43:46And number five, Kit Kat F*** Nestle.
43:49Well done.
43:50Five of them.
43:50Star for Rhys.
43:51Give them a round of applause.
43:52Rhys, Rhys.
43:53All right, these guys are making it look easy.
43:55It is not easy.
43:57It is, however, Chinese New Year,
43:59the start of the year of the horse, Dai.
44:00You have nine seconds to make up five horse names
44:03whilst commentating a horse race.
44:06Go.
44:06Coming around the corner,
44:07you've got Rumpel Foreskin,
44:08and you've got Hoppaw on the back
44:11with the two ladies gone fat.
44:13And you've got around the corner
44:15with the Fum Fum Bam Bam.
44:16And you've got Shaniqua, Tinsel, and Bedang Dang.
44:20Bedang Dang coming on your back.
44:25What sorts of English?
44:27Bedang Dang?
44:31Shaniqua, Tinsel, and Bedang Dang.
44:33So good.
44:34That's the trifecta, I believe, for the Melbourne Cup.
44:36That's so good.
44:37Well done.
44:38Well done, Dai stuff.
44:40The flamethrower and the ring burner.
44:42Back on the menu at Burger Fuel.
44:43Watch out for the Battle of the Burn.
44:44It's coming soon.
44:45Brinley, give you 14 seconds, that's a lot,
44:47to name five spicy things
44:49whilst your mouth is burning.
44:51Go.
44:52Chili!
44:54Jalapenos!
44:55Fire!
44:56The pits of hell!
44:58And...
44:59An STI!
45:05The pits of hell and an STI.
45:07Well...
45:08All right, a star for you.
45:10Well done, Brinley.
45:10It is kakapo mating season.
45:12Jazzy, 12 seconds to give me
45:13three pick-up lines for kakapo.
45:17Call the kakapo-lease
45:19cos I'm too hot.
45:21I'm small and fat and green, love me.
45:23I'll rip your f***ing windscreen wipers off
45:26but you'll love it.
45:33And that is why
45:34they're not good at breeding, I think.
45:36Yeah, it's great.
45:37OK, we're going to give you that.
45:38Well done, the star for Jazzy.
45:39A new trend has emerged this week.
45:41Dark showering.
45:43It is, as it sounds,
45:44showering in the dark.
45:45Apparently it helps you to get to sleep.
45:47Jack, 15 seconds to shut your eyes
45:49and take us through your shower routine, please.
45:52Go.
45:53That is personal information.
45:55I start with the balls.
45:57Go.
45:59I lather my whole body in the wash
46:02and I use a Lynx-branded one
46:05called Xbox Lift Your Game.
46:08And so I get in all the nooks and crannies
46:10and then I just stand there and drip
46:12because I apparently get too much water
46:14on the shower mat,
46:15so I just sort of...
46:19That's good.
46:19You're getting yourself a star.
46:20Well done.
46:24All right, that is us.
46:24All we're sick to do is award our winner.
46:26Let's have a look at the star chart.
46:28Boy, oh boy, taking home the relic,
46:29that leaning tower of pizza.
46:31Hopefully you're not announcing
46:31they've been cheating on their partner
46:33at the same time.
46:33Team Toe!
46:34Well done.
46:39Well done to you for watching
46:41and now please join me in thanking
46:42Rhys, Jack, Brinley, Di, Abby and Jazzy.
46:46We'll see you in seven days on Seven Days.
46:47Good night.
47:01Thanks, New Zealand On Air,
47:02especially for funding my new segment,
47:04Jeremy's Special Game.
47:05Time for me to head home
47:06and play Jeremy's other special game.
47:09Oh.
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