- 9 hours ago
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00:20Since consciousness is such a rare disease
00:25Let's take some architecture lessons from the trees
00:29Won't happen by design, but we're bound to turn out fine
00:34I can feel solutions blowing in the breeze
00:39I know we're gonna make it
00:43I know we're gonna make it
00:46But don't ask me how I know we're gonna make it
00:51Cause there's no way out
00:55I know there's no way out
00:57Hi, are you together?
01:00Do you guys need a second?
01:02I mean, we tried dating a few months ago
01:04Because we're surprisingly similar people
01:05Despite me being a foul-mouthed museum of sex organs
01:08And him being a heartwarming PG-13 movie about the corporate ladder
01:11But I guess the more similar you are
01:13The more illuminated the few differences become
01:15That's a polite way of saying I'm an ass
01:17Aw, since when am I polite?
01:18You absolutely fucking blew it like a 50-foot trumpet
01:21Well said
01:22Yeah, I thought so
01:23But you know what?
01:25Then he apologized
01:26Like, actually
01:28Like, rule of thumb, you can tell when an apology is sincere
01:31When it describes the problem better than anyone else
01:33The problem being that if she didn't spend half her time forgiving people
01:36Then there'd be nobody in her life
01:38And that's not right
01:39Well said
01:40And also I have a lot of things I'm afraid of being judged for
01:43That I project onto her
01:44Back at you
01:45Sometimes you realize that if you weren't spending the other half of your time wishing someone was slightly different
01:50Then you could be...friends
01:53Like, the best friend from school you never had
01:56Nobody cares how naively idealistic and sexually outrageous their friends are
02:00Plus, single independent people are cool?
02:02I know, it's a paradox how attractive independence is
02:05Right?
02:07But seriously, I...
02:09Probably within five minutes of meeting you
02:11I got it into my head that I'd want to know how your story goes
02:14That I'd want to be here for the rest of it
02:17And I do
02:19I love you too
02:21So, we're not together
02:22Because we like each other too much
02:23So this isn't a date, but it's not just lunch
02:25Though we're not fucking, though we have and easily could again
02:28Though it's paradoxically more special for me to not sleep with someone I like and him as well
02:32Whatever the word for that is
02:33Thinking your friends are hot?
02:34Absolutely
02:35Yes
02:36And I'll get the authentic veal haggis, by the way
02:38And I will have whatever the exact molecular opposite of that is
02:45How about you guys?
02:46Do you know what you want?
02:47Oh, I mean, yes, but we're still sort of, we're just hanging out for now
02:51Being in the same place, sort of living in parallel rather than being a couple
02:56Because mentally we both need a lot of alone time, but also have a lot of love to give
02:59And I don't think either of us knew it was the kind of thing that existed
03:02So we didn't know that we could look for it
03:04But then the upside to masochistically being yourself all day is that occasionally
03:08You do end up in the same place as someone else who's there for the same reasons you are
03:13And...
03:14Oh God
03:15You meant do I know what I want to order, didn't you?
03:17Wait, if you don't confirm that, she can't dwell on it for the next three weeks
03:20So noted
03:21And that's cool
03:23So you're together?
03:24Maybe
03:25Maybe we're dating or maybe we're just hanging out
03:28I don't know what's classified as what
03:30Maybe it doesn't matter
03:31But it's always going to be like that with me
03:33I never know if I'm somewhere normal because I don't know what normal is
03:35Maybe a lot of us feel that way
03:37But there are certain expectations you have and maybe I can't meet them because they don't even occur to me
03:41And maybe in retrospect this will all just be something that didn't go anywhere
03:44And maybe I don't want to waste your time because that would be horrible
03:47Maybe the way to avoid hurting people is to worry about hurting them
03:50But maybe I'll never be ready the way you deserve
03:52Maybe it'll be a year or two before I'm ready for physical intimacy and living together and other normal things
03:57And maybe you'll have to wait for things that I know you want and you could easily find somewhere else
04:01Well, maybe I've always wanted to care about someone that much
04:07Okay, as strong, maybe
04:09We'll have omelets
04:10Maybe you will
04:11I mean, uh...
04:13Okay, great
04:15Hey, I always see you guys in here
04:17Thanks for coming by so much
04:18I always wondered, are you together or...
04:21Oh, we're family
04:22I mean, not literally
04:23But also...
04:24Yes
04:24Not that I haven't solemnly proposed anal sex
04:27For purely economic reasons
04:29Plus, I borrow her clothes sometimes
04:30Not even shirts
04:31Like, things you would not expect
04:33Also, I dyed my hair because she did
04:35I thought I did because you did
04:37Also, we live together
04:38But we're not together
04:39Whatever the word for that is
04:40Makes sense to me
04:42Like, actually
04:43Oh, nice
04:46Hey, table for two?
04:48Maybe a, um...
04:49A booth?
04:51Yeah
04:52Thanks
04:52Sorry, what did the sign say?
04:54Anti-Valentine's Day?
04:56Yeah, it's just to acknowledge that the stereotypical world of either being single or a couple is an outdated thing
05:01Which I feel like is somewhat borne out by reality
05:04Oh, yeah, that's really cool
05:05We're honestly just a boring traditional couple though
05:08Yeah, just two normal people who like each other very much
05:12Very much
05:12Oh, it's not to take away from the traditional, just to add to it
05:16So, how'd you guys meet?
05:17Oh, do we have to?
05:18Oh, okay, well
05:19I was born just a few decades ago
05:22But it feels like another era entirely
05:23And then I grew up watching TV shows that prepared me for the past but not for the future
05:27And school, well, prepared me for everything except finding my own direction
05:31And then I was working a really good 9 to 5
05:33But my anxiety, which I imagine as an entity that follows me around
05:37Made me too afraid of losing what I had
05:39So I, of course, ended up losing it
05:41And then I got a job in a dive bar where the owners forget to pay taxes
05:45So they'll have to sell the building eventually
05:47But at least the drinks are cheap
05:48And yeah, I'd been there for a couple of years
05:50And then yeah, I was born and I did all that other stuff too
05:53And then I moved to this city on a whim to kind of start over after my brother died
05:56And I eventually discovered our bar through some friends
05:58They're actually sitting right over there
06:00Remind me to introduce you
06:01Who I met at a super weird support group for people who were secretly gigantic losers
06:04Secret Losers Anonymous
06:05I was also in that group for a second
06:07Also in retrospect, it wasn't anonymous in any way
06:10Yeah, also I stopped going
06:11Because I thought I was still too much of a loser compared to everybody else
06:13That's why everyone stopped going
06:14And yeah, I recognized her at the bar
06:16And then I was too afraid to ask her out because of the, um
06:18Say it
06:19The apocalyptic self-esteem problems that we share
06:21And then you were talking to your dead brother
06:23And then I was talking to my dead brother at the bar
06:25And I just said fuck it
06:26And I drank what turned out to be $72 worth of gin
06:28And I stumbled over without even introducing myself
06:30And I asked her if she thought Fraggle Rock was a metaphor for the Manhattan Project
06:34And I pretended to know what that was because I just felt so protective of him
06:37Since he was the least obnoxious person to approach me all week
06:40So I let him non-sexually crash at my place
06:42Because the imaginary personification of my anxiety told me not to
06:45So I intentionally did the opposite
06:46Because I've been working on my issues for a few years now
06:49And my inner doubts are getting easier to ignore
06:52Not always, but usually
06:53That's an absolute chore with her lately
06:56Outright defiance
06:57And yeah, we kind of kept in touch on social media
07:00And then I liked this one post about never being ready for relationships
07:03Which he overanalyzed
07:04And I just assumed that was it for us
07:05So I wrote her this whole long message that I'm just mortified by now
07:09Oh, it was glorious
07:10But I'm old enough to read between the lines
07:12And it was actually super sweet
07:14Like someone waving goodbye
07:16But then you notice how nice their hands are
07:18And then you turn that into a hello instead
07:20And then I insisted she ask me out
07:22Because I've always been internally wrestling with who I actually am
07:24Versus societal gender expectations
07:26And I was comfortable with that
07:27Because I secretly struggle with the same kind of things
07:29I mean, if I wasn't born a million years ago
07:32I'd probably be non-binary
07:34Oh, yeah, me too
07:35So it balances out
07:36And then yeah, we kind of hesitantly met up a few times
07:38Briefly thought we were finished
07:39Because we were both waiting for the other to make a move
07:41Both kind of broke the silence at the same time
07:43And then we spent like a week discussing our darkest fears
07:45And secret shames
07:46How I'm literally his best friend
07:47Despite technically not existing
07:49Well, technically
07:50Calvin and Hobbes is a comic about a kid
07:52Who spends all his time in the woods talking to himself, so
07:54Yeah, he can't hear me, so you just sound crazy by the way
07:57Oh, yeah
07:57Yeah, non sequitur
07:59But, uh, yeah, that's true actually
08:01Oh, no, sorry, I was talking to him
08:03And he was talking to her
08:05About how you'll never escape me
08:06So every relationship you have is a throuple
08:08My anxiety problems are like being in a throuple
08:10And my relationship with my past is like a whole other person
08:13So it's like a, um...
08:15Mmm, quadruple?
08:16Exactly
08:18But, despite that, I found someone where I'm not editing my text for five minutes
08:22I just always know what to say
08:24Because I'm not afraid to say it
08:25And it almost never happened
08:27But it did
08:28And you know, if I was here, I'd say
08:30You got this
08:31So, you got this, man
08:32And getting here was... wild
08:35You know, I almost got expelled from school for stealing pencils
08:37And I almost never moved here
08:39And I almost a lot of things
08:41You know, almost never asked her out
08:42Almost never met
08:43But then we did
08:44Cause... gradually...
08:46I got this
08:47Me too
08:49So yeah, guy meets girl
08:51Just the normal stuff
08:52Yep
08:54Gotcha
08:54Exactly
08:56Hi, I know you're not together
08:58No, I was just using the opportunity presented by the discount mimosas
09:02To inform my estranged pervert sister that I'm kicking her out of the apartment
09:05And I was just telling my insufferable South Park libertarian brother that I gleefully accept his offer of not having
09:11to live with him anymore
09:12And I was just explaining to my working below potential professional victim nightmare sibling
09:16That I only accidentally heard about a really affordable ground floor sublet that would make life easier for her and
09:22her politically correct life challenges
09:23And I'm only grudgingly passing along the information
09:26And I was just extending a rope down into the depths of the ignorance of my egomaniac sibling and name
09:32only professional betrayal service team leader
09:34That if I said thank you, it would probably be strained and fake and not like thanking another normal person
09:40And I was just saying
09:43That I hope your new circumstances can elevate you to a better life
09:46And then when we reach an age where we're better able to have compassion for our younger selves
09:51I'll be able to admit we're related to each other
09:53And then we'll cry and stuff
09:56Not yet though
09:57Right now, fuck you
09:58So yeah, anyway, we're, uh, that
10:02Whatever the word for that is
10:05Family, I think
10:08Enjoy, and best wishes to you guys
10:11Thanks for coming by
10:12Yeah, you too, it's good to see you
10:16You guys know each other?
10:17Oh, we went on one date and then connected in a fundamental way
10:20But I fucked it up by objectifying him in ironically the same way people do to me
10:24But then I apologized in a series of 2am Instagram messages
10:28Extensively describing the problem better than I could've
10:31And now we're casually friendly but with an underlying thing of the potential for something deeper
10:35Like just enjoying that there's someone out there from maybe the same planet as you and cares how upset you
10:41are
10:41And maybe that's enough
10:42Or maybe it could be more
10:44And either way, seems deeply right, so who knows
10:46And then I'm just rambling even more than usual, nervous about something or nothing but in a good way
10:51Yeah, exactly
10:53Whatever the word for that is
10:54I see
10:56Oh, I know
10:57I'm still looking for the kiosk where I can trade in internet upvotes and Fortnite wins for real life money
11:02Oh nice, do you play?
11:04Yeah, totally
11:05You?
11:06Yeah, I love it!
11:07Oh, we should play sometime
11:08Fuck yeah, we should
11:11Well, thanks
11:13Whatever we are, I certainly didn't expect it
11:15I'd have a hard time explaining it
11:17But I'm pretty sure I enjoy it
11:18When I want to know what I really think about something, I don't think about how it feels
11:23I think about how it would feel to no longer have it
11:26And then I'm sure as hell glad it exists
11:28Whatever you want to call it
11:29Two people who know each other in the same room in a world actively trying to prevent those things
11:34So fucking cheers!
11:35Well said my friend
11:37Yeah, I thought so
12:00The world seems to be on fire
12:09And everybody's gonna die
12:13But it's cool
12:17But it's cool
12:18No big deal
12:21I'm alright
12:29I'm alright
12:36I'm alright
12:44I'm alright
13:06I'm alright
13:09You
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