- 9 hours ago
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00:05Hey, do you, uh...
00:09Hey, I'm just doing a video and...
00:11Okay, no worries.
00:14Hey, I'm just doing a YouTube thing where I ask random people what you're listening to.
00:19Well, usually I'm listening to the sound of traffic, people in cars I could never afford going past, like fast
00:24travel in a video game,
00:25while I walk somewhere that's way before their first stop, watching them go and wondering where they're going and what
00:30it's like there,
00:31or feeling like I'm supposed to feel that way, being dirt poor and all.
00:35I realize you're asking what music I'm listening to, but fucking with people is free entertainment.
00:40No, that's cool! Honestly, I only run the videos where people have weird answers. They get way more views.
00:45Oh, I get it. I'm a YouTuber myself, so I know exactly what it takes to cultivate an audience.
00:51Hey guys, today's video is going to be a banger. This is it, the big one I've been kind of
00:56teasing for a few weeks.
00:57Finally!
00:58Oh, my friend Ted is watching IRL? Does that count as a view?
01:02I'm watching, aren't I? Yeah!
01:04Alright, yeah. Just add one to whatever the view count is.
01:07Anyways, for everyone watching, I'm going to dish the dirt now and tell you about my absolute favorite album ever.
01:13I can't wait to tell you about it.
01:29One sec, I have to get all my ideas out before I get successful and all my jokes are about
01:34how I'm afraid of losing my success.
01:36Oh, even I am too left-wing for most comedy specials.
01:39Hey, everyone! I haven't left the grounds of my mansion in 55 months. Here are my super relatable observations on
01:45modern life.
01:46It's amazing how much more specific you'd have to be for me to know which special that is.
01:50Hi, by the way. I didn't know you were coming. Thanks for being here for my show, even though you
01:54know the much worse early drafts of all my jokes.
01:57Thanks for being friends with me for 20-ish years, even though you know the much worse early drafts of
02:04me.
02:05Hey, it's fine. I wasn't busy. So, what's up? You're doing that lack of eye contact thing when things aren't
02:11completely fine?
02:12Thanks for noticing. What's up? I don't know. Even for me, it's hard to bring up and you could probably
02:19pick my vomit out of a lineup the number of times I've brought it up at parties like a magic
02:23trick. How does she fit it all in there?
02:25Okay, let me be clear. I've brought up things that my parents would disown me for. But you're always just
02:31like, dude, it's fine. Like you're from some other planet where nobody judges. So there's nothing you can't confront me
02:37with. That's who we are. You can't buy that. You have to create it.
02:41Well, Theodore, I've been seriously considering asking you to be in a relationship, but I'm afraid even saying that could
02:48make me lose you as a friend. So, feel free to not listen.
02:51No, no, I'm listening. Okay. Yeah, that's, that's a lot.
02:58Well, I'm either causing friend emergencies or solving them.
03:04It's unsolvable though. I temporarily was brave enough to ask her out and somehow she said yes, but I'm a
03:11loser and she is going to notice that at some point.
03:13Dude, you already passed the interview. I don't think she cares about what you aren't.
03:18I care though. Not about her faults, of which there are none, but definitely about mine.
03:23Yeah, well, ain't it like that. I don't know. I'm someone who got talked into applying to grad school and
03:28somehow got in but couldn't afford to go, whatever genre of person that is. And when they designed my character,
03:34they put the minimum points into expectations, so I'm not one to talk. But I'm pretty sure you're a good
03:39person. Mostly because you don't think you are, which is the fucking biggest clue.
03:44I am literally insane. I actually worry about if time travelers from the future are coming back here to enjoy
03:50my hapless buffoonery like a, like a living meme.
03:53No bad or insane person would say that, dude. They would just blame someone else for how they were feeling.
03:59Yeah, but maybe I'm still just slightly sane enough to realize how insane I am, but not enough to prevent
04:05any further-
04:06No look, fuckface. Shut up for a second. If you're gonna decide how other people feel about you, then at
04:10least tell them to their face. Text her to meet up. And when she immediately answers yes, and then lights
04:17up with a huge smile when she sees you, you fucking tell her how much she hates you. And I
04:21guarantee one of her friends is telling her the same thing.
04:36Can't pay the bills, but dammit, this I can do. Oh my god, relatable content. That's why I love this
04:42game. I always have 5,000 bucks. Right?
04:44Plus I don't question my role in this partnership. Hey, if you can ride with me, you can ride with
04:48anyone.
04:49It's just, my relationship kind of feels like two people who both think the other's too good for them. Whatever
04:55that genre of person is. It's hard. Sorry, I'm literally crazy. Surprise!
05:00Whatever. I mean, I've only known you for 20 minutes, but you fully deserve happiness in life. The people I
05:06run into who don't suck just stand out by a mile. So take it from me that you should probably
05:11just fucking go for it. Cause you're not crazy.
05:15Wow. I, um, thanks for saying that.
05:18Someone reminded me of that today. So I'm going to remind you. If you lack anything, it's perspective. Like, have
05:24you ever been on a date where you're just doing like normal things that come naturally to you and the
05:28other person's like, oh my God, I so rarely get treated this kindly. And you're mystified because you just thought
05:34everyone was treating each other like human beings all the time.
05:37Well, guess what? Now you have because most people are not as nice as you or as respectful or as
05:43worried about bothering me.
05:45Even if you accidentally bother me by worrying too much about bothering me, you're not insane. Like all good people.
05:50You're different from a world. That's insane.
05:52And not everyone is naturally comfortable with that kind of nonconformity. Hence the problem to begin with.
05:59Yeah. So anyway. Yeah. Oh my God. Shut the fuck up. You fucking idiot.
06:04That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
06:06Okay. Well, let it be the second nicest then. You're hot and lovely and let's obviously date and trust each
06:16other because I always wondered why I was always so unsure about dating and it was because I wasn't into
06:21people like I'm into you.
06:22Well, then let me say I feel the exact same. Plus once you said you never felt beautiful and I
06:28assumed you were kidding and I still do because you're literally the most beautiful.
06:32Okay. Now definitely shut up.
06:37I just, um, I just always assumed the true path is the hardest one. So I keep thinking this is
06:44too easy and I should be taking you aside and telling you how secretly horrible I am and how you
06:50should get out now.
06:50Oh, and so you don't invest a bunch of years until one day we're celebrating our 40th anniversary at breakfast
06:56and I pour you some orange juice and I'm like, Oh, you know who loved orange juice?
07:00My brother, my brother who preventively killed himself because we all just left him alone all the time.
07:04Or at least it sure feels that way when I'm imagining talking to him for hours a day as some
07:09kind of penance and so on, etc.
07:13And oh my God, what am I even doing?
07:19As someone who has very secretly considered suicide at least twice, I'd much rather know that about you than not
07:26know because it means that you're thinking about it.
07:28And that's how people evolve, right?
07:31As much as all I ever want to do is say whatever will make other people feel better regardless of
07:35my own feelings, I actually do mean that.
07:38Okay, well, I definitely mean it when I say how glad I am you're still here.
07:43What's insane is the kind of people this world is so hard on.
07:49No, thank you.
07:51Oh, you're welcome. I have a very particular set of skills and then, you know, some handsome gender fluid future
07:58kids who make me obsolete are going to exist because of people taking my advice about shacking the fuck up
08:03already.
08:04I literally wasn't going to meet up with her again because I'm thinking I'm not good enough.
08:08And you know, I've been there. I'm always there. I'm literally flipping burgers for former classmates or whatever the cliche
08:15is.
08:16But I don't know. I would date me. I can follow the plot of an 80s straight-to-video action
08:22movie while having sex.
08:23And everyone who hated me at first is lifelong friends with me now. And I have tasted music the way
08:28the French art gallery has specific paintings.
08:31I would date the hell out of me. And pay for dinner. And that's gotta be worth something.
08:36That's gotta be worth a lot. Cause you're the fucking best.
08:40You do have the best taste in music, by the way. Who are you listening to right now?
08:43Well, you know, I've just been listening to that inner voice that gets you to do things to make it
08:47shut up.
08:48I wish it was another whimsical anecdote about growing up as a brain-dead hillbilly from out west, but this
08:54is where we are.
08:55Boy, I don't have nothing but my porn and video games. I can't even feel the pain no more.
09:01Sorry. But they're maybe selling my building and renovicting everyone so my rent will triple wherever I end up moving
09:07to.
09:07But if we're in a relationship, then at least it would be half of triple.
09:13Just the kind of things I have to consider as a peasant here in the 17th century.
09:17Yeah, that's fair. I don't know if getting betrothed to the nearest gentleman is the answer, but I mean, I
09:24get it.
09:25Maybe we're not sexually compatible, but I mean, I could learn to like strap-ons. How hard could it be?
09:32Pun retroactively intended.
09:33It would be scary, but everything is scary at first.
09:37Yeah, but having to meticulously rationalize it is probably a sign that you maybe shouldn't.
09:43Because I never once have questioned our friendship.
09:46Neither have I. And I don't want to, either.
09:49I spend all week pointing their fingers in my face telling me that I have nothing.
09:53Oh, and yeah, they'll have fries with that, but thanks to you I at least stop telling people I have
09:58no family.
09:59Because, I mean, you're clearly my brother.
10:01Goddamn right I am. But as siblings, we could also just be roommates, if you want.
10:08Yeah. Yeah, of course we could.
10:12Sorry, I went straight to incest.
10:14I mean, this is the 17th century.
10:16As roommates, I guess I just worried about how you'd explain me to girls you bring home.
10:21I'll tell them, this is Martha, my best friend.
10:26Okay.
10:27Right?
10:33I think a lot about how if we hadn't met back in the day, we'd never meet now.
10:38We barely intersect other than our shared history.
10:41But that's why it's worth so much. That we did meet.
10:44And now I can just think out loud instead of having to bring you an edited version of myself.
10:50That is worth everything. I can't even imagine how shitty my act would be without all the years of your
10:55brutally honest notes.
10:57Also that, but my life. I will never not listen to you.
11:03So, who are you listening to?
11:05Do you actually want to know? Or is this like a pretext to talk to girls who look appealing from
11:09a distance?
11:10Why not both?
11:12Honestly, I see you around here, and I know nobody's how they look, but how bad could you possibly be?
11:19And that's fair. I like how you look too. So if we never say another word, it's a perfect relationship.
11:23How much do you make doing videos that people actually watch? I always wonder.
11:28Oh, I only get like 100,000 views. The videos are basically a loss leader, but my whole thing, social
11:34media, I do alright. Adult money, surprisingly.
11:38That's really cool. Congrats, man. I definitely aspire to that, even just the adult part. Maybe that's why I buy
11:46records. Like adults did when I was a kid.
11:49Sorry, let me start recording again.
11:51So, what are you listening to?
11:54Hey guys, so this is my absolute favorite album ever. Dirt, by Yemintaka, Sonic Titan.
12:01And if you have absolutely no clue who that is, that's kind of why I mention it. I've never heard
12:05of them either.
12:06Didn't even know they were local. I just randomly saw the album and bought it because of the cover, which
12:10I never do.
12:11But I did. And then I put the needle down and holy shit, suddenly an alternate reality I never knew
12:17existed.
12:17Just 42 minutes of the most epic, world-eating metal. Like if Prague was reinvented to be an expression of
12:24all humanity.
12:25Like if you had a dream about some impossible super album, but then you wake up and there it actually
12:30is.
12:30I don't know how you're supposed to describe music, but the bass lines were like a bullet hell shooter and
12:35the guitars could cut trees in half.
12:36And you could hear their souls when they all sang. And just the whole thing of, how have I not
12:41fucking heard of this?
12:42And then, you know, you rush online to learn about the band, but there's just an outdated Wikipedia entry.
12:48And their social media stops in its tracks four years ago and you realize you hadn't heard of it because
12:52most people hadn't.
12:54It was just something unique and amazing. Off in a corner somewhere because someone wanted it to exist. For its
13:00own sake.
13:01But I guess that can only last so long. And then I think about all the stuff like that. All
13:07the other indie bands good enough to eat the world, but it never happens.
13:11Not that I would wish global success on my worst enemy, but you know what I mean.
13:14What else is out there that you've never heard of? And then, yeah, you kind of have to decide pretty
13:20quickly what's valuable to you.
13:22Because, you know, I spend all week watching people in nice cars drive past me to places I'll never go.
13:28In a city that's basically a giant billboard that says money has to be valuable so the people who have
13:33it can be special.
13:35I've never had money. I assume I never will.
13:38I'm great at being young, but if you age me up, just look out.
13:43Like a band that makes the album of their lives and then nothing else because the money wasn't there.
13:48But that album fucking exists. It's like an artifact from a better universe where everything is sustainable.
13:54And I think all good things are like them. They exist despite everything, despite only having an effect on a
14:01few people.
14:02I have that at least. I've spent all day having it.
14:05But can you decide that what you have is worth something?
14:09Can you decide for yourself that some obscure album is the greatest thing ever, even though nobody else is telling
14:14you that?
14:14So I'm glad you asked because that's what I've been listening to, actually.
14:19The people in my life. The music that reminds me that my favorite thing can exist.
14:24The voice inside that says nobody's heard of me either.
14:26But I know for a fact that I affect others because they sure affect me.
14:31So yeah.
14:33I'm gonna hit play again and maybe my coat is torn and frayed and my feet fucking hurt and it's
14:38permanently almost tomorrow.
14:39But I'm gonna walk down the street and maybe someone will notice me.
14:44And maybe they'll keep watching.
14:46And maybe they'll wonder where I'm going.
14:48And you know what?
14:50Maybe they should.
14:57Maybe they should.
15:02Maybe they should.
15:15Maybe they should.
15:17Maybe they should.
15:18Maybe they should.
15:19Maybe they should.
15:19Maybe they should.
15:20Maybe they should.
15:20Maybe they should.
15:21Maybe they should.
15:21Maybe they should.
15:21And the stars decay
15:25We are left, we're left
15:29Every single day
15:32But it's all the way
15:35When you come to life
15:38When it's time to go
15:41You live on my life
15:57When it's time to go
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