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The King of Queens S03E09 Ctrl Episode 9 Engsub
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00:01No, Dad, that's crazy.
00:03Dad, I am not driving two hours upstate to bring your centrum silver.
00:09Stop calling them your meds. You can buy them at 7-Eleven.
00:14Well, you're acting like a lunatic.
00:17Yes, you are.
00:18Fine. You know what? Goodbye.
00:27Now I feel bad.
00:30Why?
00:31Why? I just yelled at my father and called him a lunatic.
00:33That has to be wrong.
00:35My God, what if something happens to him and that's the last conversation we ever have?
00:39Then you're off the hook.
00:43Damn it.
00:44And when he left yesterday, I kissed him and I told him I loved him.
00:48If he was going to die, that would have been the day.
00:51If it happens now, I'm screwed.
00:54Call him back.
00:54No, no, it's stupid.
00:56Besides, you know what? You yell at him all the time.
00:58You have way worse karma than I know.
01:01Actually, the last thing I said to him was nice haircut, so I'm good to go.
01:24Hi, Daddy. It's me.
01:26Listen, I was a little short with you before and I'm sorry.
01:30Sorry. I love you.
01:33No, that does not mean I'm making the drive up.
01:37Because I'm saying sorry for yelling at you, not the other part.
01:41Well, too bad I'm not making the drive up, crazy man.
01:55I'll see you in five hours.
01:58My eyes are getting weary.
02:01My back is getting tight.
02:04I'm sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough Bridge tonight.
02:09But I don't care, because all I want to do
02:14Is cash my check and drive right home to you.
02:20Because maybe all my life I will be driving home to you.
02:41Okay, little tip.
02:42Next time you try to hook up surround sound,
02:44red goes in red, yellow goes in yellow.
02:49You know what?
02:49I had enough with you and your high-tech mumbo-jumbo.
02:53Can I plug it in now? Can I? Come on.
02:54No, I'm working with live wires here, man.
02:56Yeah, I want to see your skeleton.
02:57See if you get that chattering teeth thing going.
03:00Put this down.
03:03Good God, are you two still at that?
03:04It's not my fault.
03:06He hooks up the stereo like a woman.
03:10Doug, why are we even doing this?
03:11The sound on the TV is fine.
03:13Does it surround us?
03:14No.
03:16Stop embarrassing yourself.
03:20Well, that's me.
03:24Hello?
03:25Hey, Mom, what's up?
03:27Oh, my God.
03:29When did that happen?
03:30What?
03:31My great-aunt died.
03:33Oh, no.
03:33Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
03:35Excuse me.
03:36Just give us a second, you guys.
03:37Sure.
03:38Yeah.
03:39Oh, that's a shame.
03:42Yeah.
03:43Look, is the evening over?
03:45Because Deacon really didn't finish up here.
03:48A person died, okay?
03:51And you're worried about your surround sound?
03:53Well, it's just at this point, I have no sound.
03:56Come on, I care.
03:57It's just a great-aunt.
03:58It's not like a regular ant.
03:59I mean, come on.
03:59It's like wax fruit.
04:01Okay, any chance you could act appropriately here?
04:04Yeah, fine.
04:04What's appropriate?
04:05What do you want me to do?
04:05You want me to cry?
04:06You want me to shake my fist into heaven's wire?
04:11I don't know.
04:13I just think we should be doing something for them.
04:15Like what?
04:16I don't know.
04:17Make them tea or...
04:18Tea for a great-aunt?
04:19That is way over the top.
04:24Hey, sweetie.
04:25How's Kelly doing?
04:27Oh, she's all right.
04:28I mean, her great-aunt's been sick for a while, you know.
04:30Still, it's sad.
04:31Yeah, but not as sad as a regular ant.
04:34What?
04:35You guys want some tea?
04:36Yes.
04:37All right.
04:38No, thanks.
04:39We got a lot to figure out.
04:40You know, travel arrangements, who's going to stay with the kids.
04:42Can I use your phone in there?
04:43Of course.
04:44Thanks.
04:50Should we offer to stay with the kids?
04:53Who, us?
04:54Really?
04:54Yeah, why not?
04:55I mean, we are the godparents.
04:57I just thought we were done with that after we gave them the savings bond.
05:01Doug, I'm just thinking maybe we should offer.
05:03What do you think?
05:05Hey, sweetie.
05:07How you doing?
05:08Hey.
05:12I'm okay.
05:13We just have to go to Chicago tomorrow for the funeral.
05:16Did you, uh, find anybody to watch the kids yet?
05:18No, a regular sitter can't do it.
05:20We'd have to keep trying.
05:21Uh-huh.
05:24Uh, hey, crazy thought, you guys.
05:26How about we stay with the kids?
05:28Really?
05:29Yeah.
05:30Uh, I mean, it's really sweet of you, but it's just, it's a lot of stuff.
05:34You know what?
05:35We can handle it.
05:36Two of them, two of us.
05:37Right?
05:37Plus, we're bigger.
05:38Right?
05:40Sure.
05:41Why not?
05:42Okay, then.
05:43All right, great.
05:43Great.
05:43Yeah, great.
05:45So, uh, where are we at with the speakers?
05:52I gotta tell you, this is gonna be good practice for us.
05:55You know, kind of like a driving range for parenting.
05:58Buy a bucket of babies, tee them up, and see how you do, right?
06:03Huh?
06:04What's the matter?
06:06They hesitated.
06:08What?
06:08Who hesitated?
06:10Deacon and Kelly, when we offered to watch their kids.
06:13They did not.
06:14Yes, they did.
06:15They clearly did.
06:16Especially Kelly.
06:17I mean, it was so obvious that she wasn't thrilled about us doing this, Doug.
06:20Her great aunt just died.
06:22She was out of her head with grief.
06:23No, no, no.
06:24They hesitated.
06:25And not, and not because of you.
06:27Because of me.
06:28I mean, I'm not a kid person.
06:29They, they could smell it on me.
06:31I mean, everybody's always saying, oh, children are our future.
06:33And I'm like, whatever.
06:35You're gonna do fine.
06:36No, no, I'm not, Doug.
06:38I mean, one little nose wiped on my blouse, and I'm gonna be looking for some gin.
06:42Oh, my God.
06:43Oh, my God.
06:43I'm starting to get that panicky feeling, like before I fly.
06:46Let's not do this, Doug.
06:48Let's call them and cancel.
06:49Cancel?
06:50Carrie, this is not a dinner reservation.
06:52They have nobody else to watch their kids.
06:53Well, I think they should bring him to the funeral.
06:56It's good for kids to see dead people.
07:00That, that little kid in the movie saw, saw dead people all the time, and he seemed fine.
07:06He wasn't fine.
07:07He was a little freak.
07:11Now, pack.
07:16Okay, I got all our phone numbers right in here.
07:17Phone numbers, great.
07:19I labeled all the kids' food.
07:20It's in the fridge.
07:21Oh, it's in the fridge?
07:22Oh, good.
07:22Because that just saved me a wild goose chase.
07:26Are you sure you're okay doing this?
07:28Uh, okay.
07:29Yeah, I think so.
07:30I just wish your great aunt would have died sooner.
07:35I'm kidding.
07:36I'm kidding, sweetie.
07:36She's in a much better place now.
07:38I'm sorry.
07:39So, hon, we gotta go.
07:40Okay, okay.
07:41Bye, sweeties.
07:42Bye.
07:42Be good.
07:43Kirby, watch out for your brother.
07:45Okay.
07:45Miss you, little man.
07:46Miss you.
07:47Thanks again, you guys.
07:48Bye.
07:48Oh, come on.
07:48Yeah, we owe you big for this one, guys.
07:50No problem.
07:50You guys have a safe trip.
07:51Okay, we should be thanking you.
07:53All right.
07:58Well, we're on our own.
08:00Uh-huh.
08:01So far, so good.
08:03So far, so good.
08:04Well, I will see you later.
08:04Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
08:07You're leaving now?
08:08Yeah, it's one of my work Saturdays.
08:10Wasn't the uniform a dip-off for you at all?
08:13Right, right.
08:14Wait, wait, how about this?
08:15How about you stay here with the kids,
08:17and I'll go do your route, huh?
08:18Sign here, ma'am.
08:19How hard could that be?
08:21Are you relaxed?
08:22The kids are gonna love spending the day with you.
08:25Just show them your gentle, nurturing side.
08:28I have a gentle, nurturing side?
08:32I believe it's in there, yes.
08:37All right, you're gonna do fine.
08:37Okay, okay.
08:38All right.
08:39I love you.
08:39I love you.
08:39Bye, kids.
08:40Bye.
08:41All right.
08:48All right.
08:49Hi.
08:51Hi.
08:55Hey.
08:59Where's my mommy?
09:02Your mommy?
09:04Yeah, where is she?
09:07Uh, sweetie, don't you remember saying goodbye to her, or?
09:12Where is she?
09:15Where is she?
09:15Okay.
09:16Um, your mommy went to a place called Chicago because somebody died.
09:24What's died?
09:28I don't know.
09:36Honey, I'm home.
09:38I'm in the kitchen.
09:40Hey, Kirby.
09:42Hi.
09:43The curb man.
09:44Curbside check-in.
09:47Uh-oh.
09:49Uh-oh.
09:49Here comes the Heffernan headlock.
09:51Oh, that's right.
09:52Oh, no.
09:52Off the top rope.
09:53He's in trouble now.
09:55Uh-oh.
09:55Oh, boy.
09:56If he's gonna lose his W, W, F belt, it's gonna happen.
10:00How do you feel?
10:01I have to pee.
10:06Okay, okay.
10:10Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:13So, no one's missing, and you're not drunk?
10:16I'm guessing things went pretty well today.
10:18I gotta tell you, honey, I rock at this.
10:21I actually took them both for a walk, had this guy in the snuggly, little legs going freaking
10:26adorable, came back here, watched Elmo-palooza three times in a row, and fielded some very
10:32tough questions about Bert and Ernie's relationship.
10:36Hey, sweetie, wash your hands.
10:38With soap.
10:40Huh?
10:41Huh?
10:41Did you see this?
10:42It looks like somebody got hit by the mommy truck.
10:44No, I guess I always had it in me.
10:46Who knew?
10:47Come on, baby, dinner.
10:48I can't believe with all this going on, you made dinner.
10:50Yep.
10:51Hamburgers, macaroni and cheese, and fish sticks.
10:53Good God, it's Christmas morning.
10:59Here, honey, I'll cut this in half for you, okay?
11:04Hey, look at this, is this a family or what?
11:08I mean, not exactly the way I pictured it, but still.
11:24Okay.
11:24Baby's tucked in and Kirby's asleep.
11:27And P.S.
11:28I'm pretty damn good with shadow puppets.
11:30I mean, he was terrified at first, but I got him back.
11:36Whoa, what's going on here?
11:37What?
11:38This is where we're sleeping.
11:40Don't Deacon and Kelly have a king-size bed in there?
11:42Yes, they do, and we have this.
11:49Silly posture, Pete.
11:53Dude, they're off of their bed.
11:56Make me.
11:59Come on, I'm not going to make you.
12:00I feel very uncomfortable in here.
12:02Relax, we're celebrating.
12:04What are we celebrating?
12:05That you're not going to be the sucky mom we always thought.
12:08Okay, but only because you already messed up the bedding.
12:12All right.
12:14Oh, look at this.
12:15Dimmer switch, huh?
12:17Oh, we are styling.
12:25Hey, stop it.
12:26You're making me nauseous.
12:28There's no music.
12:36Oh, yeah.
12:39I am mellow.
12:42All right, come on.
12:43Turn down the music.
12:43You're going to wake the kids.
12:44Yes.
12:49So you, uh, proud of your big day?
12:53Yeah, a little.
12:55Well, you should be.
12:58And you were so great with those kids today.
13:01And when I came home and I saw you holding major, I don't know.
13:06I guess I like the way you look with a baby attached to you.
13:12I mean, not literally attached to you.
13:15That would be gross.
13:19I like the way you look, too.
13:21I love you.
13:23I love you, too.
13:24I love you.
13:24I'm here with you tonight.
13:28And go!
13:34Wow, the lighting really helped.
13:39What was that?
13:40I don't know.
13:41Was someone just in the doorway?
13:43I don't know.
13:48Hey.
13:50How's it going?
13:54What happened?
13:55Did Kirby see us having sex?
13:58Possibly.
13:59What does that mean?
14:01We didn't get into a long discussion.
14:02Well, what did you say to him?
14:03I said, hey, how's it going?
14:06And what did he say back?
14:09He said, good.
14:10Oh, my God, how can we do this?
14:13How could we have sex in our friend's bed?
14:15What are we, mountain people?
14:17What does that mean?
14:18It means it's wrong, okay?
14:20It means nice young couples from Queens
14:22do not do it in their friend's bed
14:24with their friend's children
14:26sleeping ten feet away from them.
14:29I need to make things clean again.
14:32Come on, what did we do?
14:32That was so bad.
14:34We're two married, mature people
14:36engaging in the timeless dance called love.
14:40Doug, we were on their bad doing
14:43in front of their five-year-old son,
14:44and thanks to that mirror over there,
14:46he also got the reverse angle.
14:49First of all, he's five and a half,
14:51and he knows what's what.
14:53I was going to tell Deacon and Kelly
14:54that's why they hesitated,
14:55because they knew I'd screw up,
14:57and I did.
14:58Why did I let you mount me?
15:00Ow!
15:02First of all,
15:03we don't know what he's going to tell them.
15:06In fact, look,
15:07we don't even know if he saw us, right?
15:10Right.
15:10Look, tomorrow morning we'll get up
15:12and we'll feel him out.
15:13You know, we'll see if there's even a problem at all.
15:15Okay?
15:17Okay?
15:18Okay.
15:19All right.
15:19Come on, let's get a good night's sleep.
15:23What are you doing?
15:25Hey, sleeping on a sofa bed
15:27is not going to bring back that boy's innocence.
15:33All right, sweetie, stop moving around
15:35or I'm going to get tape stuck to your little...
15:38Oops, I'm sorry.
15:42Honey, I cannot get this diaper on him.
15:44I've totally lost my mommy groove.
15:47You talk to What's-His-Face?
15:51No, not yet.
15:55Hey, buddy, what's up?
15:56What's going on there?
15:58Hey, play with your little schoolhouse here.
15:59This is fun, huh?
16:01Hey, you know what I'm going to do?
16:01I'm going to take this pretty little teacher here
16:03and, well, let's go with this farmer guy right here
16:06and you tell me if you see anything that looks familiar.
16:11Howdy, man, my name's Farmer Jones.
16:13Well, hi.
16:14I'm Mary Lou
16:16Henner.
16:18Whoops, I slipped.
16:20Well, let me help you up with my pants off.
16:24Whoops, I slipped too.
16:25Now we're wrestling up and down.
16:27Hey, Larry Flitz,
16:29you want to tone it down a notch?
16:31Well, you give it a try.
16:33Okay, all right, you finish dressing the baby.
16:34Okay, fine.
16:35You got him?
16:35Yes.
16:36Hey, sweetie.
16:38How you doing?
16:41Did you, uh, have any bad dreams last night?
16:44Like maybe a big, scary polar bear
16:49on top of a ballerina?
16:53Anything like that?
16:55I got both legs in one hole.
16:57I don't know what to do.
17:04Hey, who wants to play a game?
17:06I want to play a game.
17:07All right, here's the game.
17:09What's the worst thing you've seen in the past 24 hours?
17:13Hey, guys, we're home.
17:15Mommy!
17:20Hey, you're back.
17:21Hi.
17:22Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
17:23We caught an early flight so we could relieve you guys.
17:25These little monsters treat you okay?
17:27Okay, they were fantastic,
17:29but enough about us.
17:30How was the funeral?
17:31You have fun?
17:34Not as much as you'd think.
17:36Yeah, Dad, not a fan of the big D.
17:40What's going on?
17:41Everything go all right?
17:42Okay, yeah, it's smooth sailing.
17:44We, um, we, we...
17:45Gotta go.
17:46Yes.
17:46We gotta get going.
17:47You don't want to stick around, have some coffee?
17:48Oh, no, you know what?
17:49If we're gonna tear ourselves away from these kids,
17:52it's gotta be quick like a Band-Aid.
17:53Yeah, you know, you rip her right off.
17:54It hurts, but she's off in a jam.
17:55Yeah, okay.
17:56Okay, man.
17:57How about you guys?
17:57All righty.
18:04Oh, man, if bologna smelled any better, I'd wear it.
18:15How can you just sit there and eat?
18:18Kirby's probably telling them what we did right now.
18:21Look, they've been home for, like, two hours now.
18:23If he was gonna say something, he would've done it already.
18:25Wouldn't he have?
18:26Huh?
18:27Wouldn't he have?
18:27I need a pickle.
18:29He might have.
18:30I don't know.
18:31Look, even if he did see us, he probably forgot about it already.
18:35I mean, do you remember anything from when you were five?
18:37No.
18:38Not now.
18:39But he's still five.
18:40You don't forget instantly.
18:45Oh, my God, that's them.
18:46I know it's them.
18:47I can tell by the ring.
18:48It's an angry ring.
19:01Yes?
19:03Oh, you know what?
19:04We're not interested right now.
19:05Okay.
19:07Who was it?
19:08Someone's telling us a subscription to Teen People.
19:12Oh.
19:15Why'd you say we weren't interested?
19:21You know Teen People's number by heart?
19:27I am not calling Teen People.
19:30I am calling Deacon and Kelly.
19:32Why are you calling them?
19:34Deb, I can't stand this.
19:35I need to know if they know.
19:36Carrie, if you want this to go away, then don't pick at it.
19:39Yeah, let me pick.
19:42Hey, Cal, how you doing?
19:44Yeah, we just wanted to call and see how the kids are doing,
19:47because we miss them so much.
19:50Mm-hmm.
19:53Really?
19:55Okay.
19:56Well, then we'll see you there.
19:57Okay.
19:58Bye-bye.
20:00They want to take us to dinner tonight to thank us.
20:04Hey, there you go.
20:05You don't take perverts to dinner, right?
20:09I know I don't.
20:12See that?
20:13It all worked out fine.
20:14He saw us.
20:14He didn't see us.
20:15It doesn't matter.
20:15He kept his little trap shut.
20:19And then this one says,
20:20my shirt's dirty.
20:22We need to put it in the whooshing machine.
20:24See, he meant to say washing machine.
20:26He didn't say that, though.
20:27He's hilarious.
20:28Hilarious.
20:29Hey, buddy, you want some more of my ice cream?
20:31You guys have been generous with your desserts,
20:33but I think he's had enough.
20:34Oh, he deserves it just for being so cute and yummy.
20:38He's not so cute when he's vomiting.
20:39Okay.
20:41Hey, what you doing there, Curb?
20:43A picture of Doug and Carrie.
20:45Oh, isn't that sweet?
20:47Love him.
20:48It was what they were doing last night.
20:53Wow.
20:53We don't really need another picture.
20:55Yeah, you know, we got pictures,
20:57up the butt.
20:58You know what I'm saying?
21:00Yeah, but not for my child.
21:01Yeah, he signs and numbers, each one.
21:03Yeah.
21:03Hey, I bet you can't do an outline of my hand.
21:05I don't want to.
21:06Go ahead, try it.
21:07Do it.
21:07Color it in red.
21:07Make a little turkey out of it.
21:09Would you love that boy drawing his picture, man?
21:11All right.
21:12I heard drawing makes you gay.
21:17What?
21:18It's true.
21:19It happened to my friend, Bill.
21:21Okay, you guys have been acting very weird
21:23since we got back.
21:24What's the deal?
21:26All right, then.
21:28The truth is, um,
21:31we have something to tell you,
21:32and, um, this is difficult for us.
21:36He makes things up.
21:41It's true.
21:42Like, his drawings, uh, for instance,
21:45usually they're, like, the opposite
21:47of what actually happened.
21:49Don't worry, Mommy.
21:58We're going to take this.
22:13So I'm guessing this wouldn't be appropriate
22:15to hang on our fridge.
22:17I wouldn't mind.
22:18You'll notice he was very generous with me.
22:21I noticed.
22:23Ouch.
22:24Ouch.
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