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The King of Queens S03E15 Ctrl Episode 15 Engsub
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00:04Hello?
00:05Oh, hey, Arthur, it's me, Doug.
00:07What can I do you for?
00:08Actually, I was just calling to check the messages
00:10off of the machine, so just hang up, and I'll call right back.
00:12Gotcha.
00:13Okay.
00:22Hello?
00:24Arthur, didn't I just ask you not to pick up?
00:27No, you said I should hang up, and you'd call right back.
00:31Okay, what I meant was I wanted the machine to get it, not you.
00:33I'm trying to check my messages.
00:35You want me to just check them for you?
00:37No.
00:37No, thank you, no.
00:38Last time you did that, you erased all the messages,
00:41and our outgoing messages, and unplugged the lamp.
00:45Just let it ring, okay?
00:47That's your world.
00:47I just live in it.
00:56Yeah, hello?
00:57Arthur, what did I just say?
00:59I'm sorry, it's habit.
01:00Well, do me a favor, break the habit, okay?
01:02I'm running out of freakin' change here.
01:04Fine.
01:14Hello?
01:15Arthur, what is this?
01:16Some kind of sick little joke?
01:18I'm sorry, I've been answering the phone my whole life.
01:21You're asking me to undo 75 years of instinct in a moment.
01:25That is not easy.
01:27Just don't pick up.
01:29Fine.
01:29I'm going downstairs to lie down.
01:31Well, thank you.
01:41Yeah, hello?
01:42Arthur!
01:43Oh, God!
01:44What the hell is going on in your head that you keep doing this?
01:47I need to understand!
01:50My eyes are getting weary.
01:52My back is getting tight.
01:55I'm sitting here in traffic on the Queensborough Bridge tonight.
01:59But I don't care, cause all I want to do
02:05Is catch my check and drive right home to you
02:11Cause maybe all my life I will be driving home to you
02:32Baby, you ready?
02:35Let's hit it.
02:38Cowboy boots?
02:39That's right, ma'am.
02:41So what, you gonna go rope yourself a meatball sandwich?
02:44I like them, plus they were on sale at Tom McCann.
02:47Honey, just because something is on sale doesn't mean you have to buy it.
02:51We discussed this when you came home with the microscope.
02:54Now go ahead, go change.
02:56Fine, I'll change, but not cause of you.
02:58Only cause they hurt like hell.
03:06Hello?
03:07Hey, it's me.
03:07Oh, hey Kel, we're just about out the door.
03:09What's up?
03:09I'm glad I caught you.
03:10We're gonna have to cancel on you tonight.
03:12Oh, why?
03:13Deacon has to work late again.
03:15Oh, that's crappy.
03:16Well, how about we do something tomorrow?
03:18What about, uh, brunch over here?
03:19I'll see you then.
03:20Okay, honey. Bye.
03:21Bye.
03:22All right.
03:23Got my sneakers on.
03:25Spotlight's back on you now.
03:26Happy?
03:28Kelly just called and canceled.
03:29Deacon has to work late tonight.
03:31Really?
03:34So you wanna just do takeout?
03:36All right, how about Italian?
03:38Hey, how about we do Chinese?
03:39You wanna try that new place, Tung Shing House?
03:41You had me a tongue.
03:50Hi, how you doing now?
03:51My wife called in an order.
03:52And what is your last name?
03:57Hello, sir.
03:59I'm sorry.
03:59You just...
04:00You threw me with the British thing there.
04:03I grew up in Hong Kong.
04:04I apologize if I'm not ethnic enough for you.
04:06Would you like me to chink it up a little?
04:08Che chai chou, che chai chou.
04:10No, no, no, no, no, no.
04:11Please, it's no bother.
04:12I'd love to.
04:13Hoi chii gai chou.
04:13No, no, no, no.
04:15The name's Heffernan.
04:16It's right there.
04:171850.
04:17Okay.
04:20We'll be ready in a moment.
04:21All right.
04:24Thanks.
04:43Hey, man.
04:45Hey.
04:46Hey.
04:46What's going on there, Chiefy?
04:48Nothing much.
04:49Just having some dinner.
04:51Dinner.
04:52Big fan.
04:53No secret there, though, huh?
04:55Right.
04:56Right.
04:57So, I thought you were...
04:58So, who's your friend here?
04:59Oh.
05:01Doug, this is Angie.
05:02Hi.
05:02Hi.
05:02How you doing?
05:03Nice to meet you.
05:05Deacon's told me a lot about you.
05:07Has he?
05:07Because, uh, he hasn't told me that much about...
05:10What?
05:11Oh, gosh.
05:12I guess my order's ready.
05:12Okay.
05:14I guess I will see you tomorrow.
05:15I will see you whenever or not.
05:17Either way, it was a...
05:18Okay.
05:19Coming.
05:19Okay.
05:19I gotta go.
05:20All right.
05:26I know this looks a little weird.
05:28No, no, no.
05:28You're just pretending to work late
05:29to meet with your lovely vacation planner
05:31because you're gonna surprise Kelly
05:32with a trip to Oahu.
05:33No.
05:34Puerto Rico.
05:35No.
05:35Amish country.
05:36Give me Amish country.
05:37No, man.
05:38No.
05:39Then what?
05:41It's what it looks like, all right?
05:42I can't believe this, man.
05:43Hey, American GI,
05:45you're a number one good time order, eh?
05:48That's enough of that, okay?
05:49I get it.
05:51Look, I should get back.
05:52Just be cool about this,
05:54and I promise we'll talk tomorrow, okay?
05:56We'll talk tomorrow.
06:01You call this a family restaurant?
06:08So I looked her square in the eyes and said,
06:10Ma'am, you are undoubtedly the most fetching woman
06:14in all of Shreveport.
06:16And what did she say?
06:17My good sir, I do believe you're giving me the vapors.
06:23Nice.
06:24Then what happened?
06:25I knocked the barbecue out of her hand,
06:28bent her over the porch railing, and said,
06:29I'll give you more than vapors, you nasty-
06:31Okay, enough!
06:37Charming story gone very wrong.
06:41What's going on with you two over there?
06:43Oh, I'm fine.
06:45You haven't eaten a thing?
06:46Yeah, you know what?
06:47I'm really not hungry.
06:48What?
06:52I'm not hungry.
06:53That allowed?
06:54It's allowed.
06:55Just never heard you say it.
06:58What's your story?
07:00Oh, nothing.
07:00Just, I was tired.
07:03Well, if you could tell your boss maybe one time
07:04that you can't work late.
07:06It doesn't work that way.
07:08Well, why is it always you that has to stay?
07:10How should I know?
07:10Well, I'd say it's pretty damn clear why.
07:13You got some crap work?
07:14Give it to the colored guy.
07:18I mean, there's nothing going on at work.
07:19Now, drop it.
07:20Sure, why not drop it?
07:22By the way, how's the weather in the town
07:24of Young White Mailville, huh?
07:27For God's sakes, everyone has to work late.
07:29I work late all the time.
07:31No, you don't.
07:32Sure, I do.
07:33When?
07:35Actually, I have to work late this coming Thursday.
07:39Now, can we please, in the sweet name of all that is holy,
07:41talk about something else?
07:42Arthur, you were saying a story.
07:44You had her bent over the railing.
07:45Then what happened?
07:45No, no, no, no, no.
07:47Wait a second.
07:48I thought you had Nick's tickets for Thursday.
07:51I do.
07:52I guess I just won't be able to use them.
07:53Can I have them?
07:57Yes, you may.
07:59Ridiculous!
07:59Oh, crap.
08:01Honey, would you do me a favor and grab me a sponge?
08:03Uh, yeah.
08:04You know what, Deke?
08:04Why don't you give me a hand in case the sponge is a pie?
08:08You got it.
08:13All right, you said you talked to me today, so talk to me.
08:15What's up?
08:16What's going on?
08:17Angie's an old friend from high school.
08:19I hadn't seen her since, but then she emailed me a couple of months ago, you know?
08:22How you doing?
08:23What's going on?
08:24Look, I emailed her back, and things kind of took off from there.
08:27What did you go and email her back for?
08:29There are plenty of other things to do on the internet.
08:32Think that you're gambling, you're porn, all the other stuff.
08:37It's just that...
08:42Angie and I really connect, you know?
08:44We can talk.
08:46With Kelly lately, she's got her things going on, I got my things, and more and more it just seems
08:52like our things are different.
08:52Well, just put your things that are different together.
08:54They did it with the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, and it was a huge success.
08:58Douglas, quick question.
09:00What is it, Arthur?
09:00Can I grant those Nick tickets from you now?
09:02You know what?
09:02I'll give them to you later.
09:04What if I don't see you later?
09:06You live in our basement, I will see you.
09:09Give me a time.
09:11Three.
09:11A.M. or P.M.?
09:13If it's A.M., I need to move some things around.
09:17Will you just leave us alone?
09:19Fine.
09:22Why didn't you tell me?
09:23I haven't told anyone.
09:24I'm not exactly proud of it.
09:27Doug, honey, I think you misunderstood.
09:28I meant the indoor sponge, not the outdoor sponge.
09:32I was just talking to Deke about my Roy Orbison collectible plate.
09:37Yeah, yeah.
09:38Doug was saying how it may or may not increase in value.
09:43I hope it increases.
09:46All right, well, my ears are about to snap off.
09:48I'm gonna head back inside.
09:49Honey, you're getting a snotsicle.
09:54We better get back in there.
09:56Look, I hate to put you in this position, man, but please just be cool for a little while longer,
10:01okay?
10:01All right.
10:02Look, I got ranger tickets for next month.
10:04Don't blow that for me.
10:16All right, you guys.
10:17Thanks again.
10:18No problem.
10:19Hey, let's do a movie this week.
10:20Yeah, I'll call you.
10:21All right.
10:21Okay.
10:22Good people.
10:23Nice people.
10:25Solid people.
10:28Duck, honey, do I strike you as stupid and or unaware?
10:34Nope.
10:34You are sharp as against you, pretty girl.
10:37So then what's going on?
10:39Not a thing.
10:42Are you enjoying that issue of Marie Claire?
10:46Yes, I am.
10:47By the way, I know you're staring at me and it doesn't bother me a bit.
10:52Just stare all you want.
10:53There's nothing going on.
10:55In fact, what's going on with you?
10:59Yeah, maybe there's something going on with you.
11:01Maybe I should stare right back at you.
11:02How would that feel, huh?
11:11Eyes off.
11:15All right, so let me think about this.
11:16You've been acting strange ever since you came home from the restaurant last night.
11:20Did something happen there?
11:24Maybe, but I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
11:28Did what happened involve Deacon?
11:30Because you guys have been acting very weird this morning.
11:33Perhaps, but once again, not at liberty.
11:38And you just got those Knick tickets, so I know you're not really working late.
11:43Was Deacon really working late last night or were you like covering for him?
11:48Okay, do you understand the concept of not at liberty?
11:51If you called liberty right now, I wouldn't be there.
11:56When you picked up the food last night, did you see Deacon there?
12:00With another woman?
12:02Yes, but that's all you're getting out of me.
12:06Oh, my God, he's having an affair?
12:09Okay, you did not hear that from me, okay?
12:10If it ever comes up, you heard it from a British-Chinese guy.
12:16Kelly is going to be so devastated.
12:19Oh, you're not planning on telling Kelly.
12:21Doug, the man is running around behind her back.
12:24She has a right to know.
12:25She's my best friend.
12:26Well, he's my best friend.
12:27Then I only promised I wouldn't say anything.
12:29Well, talk.
12:29Doug, I can't look her in the eyes and not tell her.
12:31So don't look at her eyes.
12:32Look at her breasts.
12:33That's what I do.
12:36Doug, listen to me, hon.
12:38I know this is tough on you, but it's tough on me, too.
12:40I'm sorry.
12:41If Deacon doesn't tell Kelly, I'm gonna have to.
12:45There you are.
12:46Look, we, uh, we need to talk.
12:48Yeah, I kind of need to talk to you, too.
12:49What's up?
12:50Man, I couldn't even sleep last night.
12:52I don't know, man.
12:53I just feel like I really...
12:56Hey, Birkin, why don't you go take that dog for a walk, huh?
12:59Yeah.
12:59Goodbye, goodbye.
13:02Peace.
13:02All right, go ahead.
13:03Look, I just feel like I screwed up so bad, man,
13:05and now I'm dragging you into this,
13:06and, hey, I'm gonna pay you for those Nick tickets, all right?
13:08You shut up.
13:09Come on.
13:09You think I care about those, huh?
13:10They were a gift from Carrie's boss.
13:11Right.
13:12Sorry.
13:13Although they're worth, like, 160 bucks.
13:15If you want to toss me something, that's your call.
13:16Whatever.
13:17I gotta tell you, I did a lot of thinking last night, and...
13:29And what?
13:30I'm definitely gonna break things off with Angie.
13:33Excellent idea.
13:33That's it, man.
13:34You break things off with Angie,
13:35and you tell Kelly, and everything's back to ham and eggs.
13:38Tell Kelly?
13:39Oh, no, no, no.
13:40No way, man.
13:40Why not?
13:41I think you're gonna be surprised.
13:42She has very kind eyes.
13:44Yo, she's hit me with a frying pan.
13:46It ain't like in cartoons, man.
13:47That sucker hurts.
13:50You know what?
13:50Let me come at this from a slightly different angle.
13:53Carrie knows, and if you don't tell Kelly, she will.
13:54You don't, Carrie?
13:55I can't believe you, man.
13:57I didn't tell her.
13:58She got it out of me.
13:59How, Doug?
14:00She stared at me.
14:03You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?
14:05You know what you are?
14:05You're a yenta.
14:06I am not a yenta.
14:07Yes, you are.
14:08Yenta, yenta, yenta, yenta, yenta.
14:09Hey, why are you giving me crap?
14:10You're the one who's sleeping around with someone else who's not your wife.
14:12What are you talking about?
14:12I never slept with Angie.
14:15What?
14:15I never slept with her.
14:17I mean, I'm not sure what would have happened, but so far all we've done is meet for dinner,
14:21you know?
14:22Talk.
14:23Guy, am I crazy, or is that not the kind of information you'll lead with?
14:26I guess I figured what I was doing was still kind of cheating.
14:30No, it's not, you big dumb ox.
14:33It's not that bad at all.
14:35Now, you tell Kelly, I'll tell Carrie.
14:36We can get on with our lives.
14:38There.
14:39We just cheated more than you ever did.
14:43Carrie?
14:44In here.
14:47Great news, my little chicky.
14:49Turns out Deke is not cheating with that woman.
14:51What?
14:51What do you mean?
14:52Just what I said.
14:53He's not cheating.
14:54He's had as much sex with her as I've had with your dad.
14:57And that's none.
14:59But you saw them in the restaurant together.
15:01I mean, if they weren't having an affair, what was going on?
15:03Well, they just meet for dinner, they eat, they talk, they connect.
15:06And does Kelly know?
15:08No.
15:08Then he's still cheating.
15:10No, he's not.
15:10Yes, he is.
15:12Doug, the man is lying to his wife, sneaking around with another woman, sharing intimate feelings.
15:18That is cheating.
15:19No, it isn't.
15:20Yes, it is.
15:21No, you gotta be naked to cheat.
15:23Wrong.
15:24So you're telling me, if I met a woman and we went out for a dinner or two, and then,
15:28say, I forgot to tell you about it, right, I would be cheating?
15:32Yes.
15:32Really?
15:33And that would be just as bad as if I actually slept with her?
15:35Yes.
15:37Good to know.
15:40That's great.
15:42That's really great, Doug.
15:43Make your stupid little jokes.
15:44But I gotta tell you, I am stunned that on something as important as the meaning of marriage and commitment
15:51that we would be so far apart.
15:53Yeah, well, we are, my friend. You're way over there and I'm way over here.
15:56How do?
15:59Oh, shut up.
16:02I'll get it.
16:03What do you want for dinner?
16:04I don't care.
16:09Deke, what's going on, man?
16:10I told Kelly.
16:10And you know what?
16:11You were wrong.
16:11It is as bad as cheating.
16:13I know.
16:13I'm in the middle of the same argument.
16:16She threw you out?
16:17Yeah.
16:18With no shoes?
16:19Yeah.
16:20And as hard as it is to get a cap as a black man, imagine trying to get one as
16:23a black man with no shoes.
16:28Hey, Carrie.
16:30What does he want?
16:31Easy, okay?
16:32He's been tossed out.
16:33Shoeless.
16:34I have nothing to say to him or you or anybody else in this whole sickening subject.
16:40Excuse me.
16:44Sit down, man.
16:45You sure it's okay?
16:47No, it is not okay.
16:50Hey, you know what?
16:51I just figured out what I want for dinner.
16:53A nice hot bowl of shut-it stew.
17:02Does he know that he has a baby?
17:04Huh.
17:05You know what?
17:05I'm sorry.
17:06I've had shut-it stew before and it sure as diddly didn't taste like that.
17:13Hey, man.
17:13Maybe you better stay in a motel tonight.
17:15Yeah.
17:15Look, Kelly kicked me out without my wallet.
17:17Can you lend me a few bucks?
17:18Oh, yeah.
17:19No problem.
17:20Do not give him money!
17:22Why not?
17:23Because it's half mine and I don't want you to.
17:27Well, fine.
17:27Then I'll just give him twice as much for my half!
17:33And you know what?
17:35I'll drive him to the motel myself and my half in a car!
17:38Come on, man.
17:40Fine.
17:41And while you're gone, I'm gonna bake you a nice, warm, flakey, my leg and your ass up to my
17:46knee pie for dessert.
17:47Nice.
17:48That was such a reach.
17:58What is the huge ruckus here?
18:00It's all a man can do to take a simple four-hour nap.
18:03I'm sorry, Dad.
18:04It's...
18:05It's Doug.
18:06He's just got me so...
18:08What happened?
18:09Okay.
18:10Okay.
18:10Let me ask you a question.
18:11If someone is married and then sneaks around and has dinner with another person, even though they are not sleeping
18:20with that other person, would you say that that was wrong?
18:23Look, darling, I know Douglas isn't the most physically attractive man in the world, but...
18:29I beg you not to jump ship just yet.
18:33Now, I have a book downstairs of special positions for the overweight that I think...
18:40I think it could be a big help.
18:43I am not talking about me.
18:45I am talking about a friend.
18:48And, uh, is that friend you?
18:52No, it's not.
18:55It's...
18:56It's Kelly.
18:57And are you...
18:59Kelly?
19:01Dad, you don't have to give Kelly air quotes.
19:03You know her.
19:05Oh, my God.
19:06How dare she cheat on that boy while he's out working late to pay for her fancy creams and powders?
19:13She's not doing anything.
19:15He is.
19:17Oh, and then Doug covers for him.
19:19And, like, that's not bad enough.
19:20He comes home tonight all lit up and happy because, as it turns out, Deacon hasn't slept with this skankola.
19:26Yet.
19:27Like, we should all give him some fat frickin' award for that.
19:29I told Doug he was wrong and I'm just...
19:32I'm so mad at him.
19:35You're not mad at him.
19:37Uh, trust me, I am.
19:38No, no, honey.
19:40You see, you and Doug look to Deacon and Kelly as an example of a perfect couple.
19:44Now that their supposedly solid marriage is in trouble, you start to wonder, who's to say yours isn't next?
19:55You're not angry, Cookie.
19:57You're scared.
19:59You're scared.
20:01Wow, Dad, that was a remarkably lucid thing to say.
20:06Well, I'm coming right out of a nap.
20:08Yeah.
20:21Okay.
20:31I'm just...
20:32What's...
20:33What's the last one?
21:10You're home.
21:13Yeah, I'm home.
21:56You've reached the Heffernens.
21:57We're not here to take your call, so leave a message.
22:01Arthur, are you there?
22:03Arthur, I just left the house two seconds ago when you were there.
22:06Pick up.
22:07Oh, no.
22:07I'm not falling for your games, big boy.
22:10Arthur, come on, pick up.
22:11I think I left the oven on and the pilot light is broken.
22:16No sale.
22:17Arthur!
22:19Arthur, come on, man.
22:19I know you're there.
22:20Pick up the damn phone!
22:23Pick up the phone, old man!
22:25Pick up the phone, old man!
22:55Pick up the phone, old man, pick up the phone, old man, pick up the phone, old man, pick up
23:00the phone, old man, pick up the phone, old man, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up
23:01the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up
23:01the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up
23:01the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up
23:01the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up
23:01the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up
23:01the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up
23:01the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the phone, pick up the
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