- 12 minutes ago
The King of Queens S03E12 Ctrl Episode 12 Engsub
Category
đź“ş
TVTranscript
00:00I
00:38My eyes are getting weary
00:40My back is getting tight
00:43I'm sitting here in traffic
00:45On the Queensborough Bridge tonight
00:48But I don't care
00:50Cause all I wanna do
00:54Is cash my check and drive
00:56Right home to you
00:59Cause maybe all my life
01:02I will be driving home to you
01:25I can't get this stupid ketchup packet open
01:29Just a chair on the little dotted line
01:31The dotted line means nothing
01:32It's like the door close button on an elevator
01:36It's all show
01:37Here, give it to me
01:41Thanks
01:42I need about 12 more
01:46Well he's right
01:47There's not a lot of ketchup in one of these bad boys
01:49Thank you
01:50It should be bigger
01:51Like the size of a pillow
01:55Yeah, or like a mattress
01:57How cool would that be
01:57Like sleeping on ketchup
01:58Hey
02:00Okay, can we talk about something other than ketchup?
02:03We're paying a sitter $7 an hour
02:05Oh my God
02:06Hey you guys
02:07Hey
02:08Hey
02:08Guy and Lisa, hi
02:10Look at this little Parkside Apartments reunion
02:14What's up man?
02:15Oh, not a much
02:17Not a much
02:19I miss you
02:20I haven't seen you in forever
02:21I know
02:22I totally understand
02:23I know how busy you guys are
02:24You two are so hard to get a hold of
02:28Actually, I do owe you a call
02:30Yes, you're good
02:31Well, I am really happy that we ran into you
02:34Cause, guess what?
02:35We're finally getting married
02:36Oh my God
02:37What's that?
02:38Together
02:38Good work, man
02:40I rented a hot air balloon
02:42And popped the question
02:431,000 feet over New Jersey
02:46Oh, glad you said yes
02:47Cause that would have been an awkward float down
02:50Oh, oh
02:51Please, please, please
02:52Tell me you're available the 3rd next month
02:54Because you are all so important to me
02:56And I really, really want to have you there
02:58Of course we'll be there
02:59We'll be there with bells on
03:01We wouldn't miss it
03:02Oh, us too
03:02Well, we're there
03:03Oh, yay
03:04I'm so happy you're gonna make it
03:06I mean, Doug and Carrie
03:07I know how busy you guys are
03:10We will see you there?
03:11Okay
03:11Yeah
03:11All right
03:12Bye
03:14Wow, they're finally doing it
03:15That's great
03:16I know
03:16It is great
03:17Yeah, it's pretty great
03:20Is it me or she got more annoying?
03:24Definitely kicked it up a notch
03:25Come on, you guys
03:26Stop it
03:26She's fine
03:27The wedding's gonna be fun
03:28I mean, it's one afternoon of your life
03:29So quit your bitching
03:30Who's bitching?
03:31As long as there's a guy with a big hat
03:33Carving roast beef
03:33I'm one jolly SOB
03:40How do?
03:41Hey
03:41Hon, I can't figure out what to make
03:44How do you feel about eggs for dinner?
03:47It's unconventional, but I'll allow it
03:51Oh, Douglas
03:52Just the man I was hoping to find
03:53Hey, arthritis
04:01I'll say a phrase
04:02And I want your instant reaction
04:03Don't think
04:04Just speak
04:06Half-price footwear
04:08Go
04:10Pass
04:11Next question
04:12Style White Shoes is having a father and son shoe sale
04:15Father buys a pair
04:16Son gets a pair for free
04:18If we go in together
04:18We get two for one
04:19And we split the course
04:20All I need
04:21Is for you to pretend
04:22You are my son
04:24Right, right
04:26No
04:28You do understand
04:29We are talking about
04:30Half-price footwear
04:32Yes, I do understand that
04:34I also understand
04:34That you had some kind of sausage
04:36For lunch
04:37Sorry, not interested
04:39Fine
04:39You have just
04:40Wiseguied your way
04:42Out of a very sweet deal, friend
04:44You picked yourself
04:45A real loser, darling
04:48Hey, look at this
04:49We got leasing guy's wedding invitation
04:50Oh, really?
04:51Open it, open it
04:52Yeah?
04:53Yeah
04:54Okay
04:55You could have done without the confetti
04:57Read it
04:59All right
05:00Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
05:01It's just the usual stuff, really
05:03Hey, fun fact
05:05Guy's mother's name is Midge
05:08Midge
05:09So where's the wedding at, Winners?
05:11Uh, that would be in Chapter 2
05:13Um
05:13Now, Delacave Manor
05:16Oh, sweet God
05:17What?
05:19It's in Maryland
05:20What?
05:21Gaithersburg, Maryland
05:22We gotta go to Maryland
05:23Let me see that
05:24You don't think I can read?
05:27That's like a five-hour drive
05:28This is an all-weekend-stay-overnight thing
05:31She tricked us
05:33We're not going
05:34You know, they're friends, yes
05:35But they're not drive-to-Maryland friends
05:37Doug, we have to go
05:39If we don't, we're not gonna be friends with them at all
05:42Great
05:42Where do I sign?
05:45Doug, I said we were free
05:47You heard me
05:48I said we'd be there with bells on
05:49But that was before you remembered that
05:51My Uncle Schmelman was coming to visit that weekend
05:55And could possibly be dying, if necessary
05:58No, we can't make up an excuse
06:01Why not?
06:01Do you remember our wedding?
06:03They were in Munich and they flew back early so they could be there
06:06Do you know where Munich is?
06:07I'll tell you one thing, it's a lot closer than Maryland
06:12Doug, if we don't go, I will never hear the end of it
06:15You know how Lisa is
06:16I miss returning one of her phone calls
06:18And she's
06:18Oh, you're so busy
06:19You're so hard to get a hold of
06:21Could you imagine if we skipped their wedding?
06:24Oh, so sorry we missed you at the wedding
06:26Good thing we flew in from Munich for yours
06:28Or we'd never see you
06:31We're going
06:32Deal with it, hon
06:34Well, if we go, I'm punching Midge
06:47I don't know about this, Arthur
06:49I mean, pretending to be your son
06:51That's kind of like lying
06:52Oh, you don't like lying
06:53But you sure jumped for joy when I mentioned half-price shoes, didn't you?
06:57Now shut your pie hole and start calling me daddy
07:01Hey, Dad, can I help you?
07:03Uh, yes, I'd like to see these in a nine and a half
07:06What would you like, son?
07:10Clark's Wallaby, size seven
07:11That's my boy
07:13Hey, uh, you and your son, sit tight and I'll go grab him
07:19He bought it!
07:21What a rush!
07:27Just out of curiosity, what's the story with your real father?
07:32Oh, uh, walked out on me and my mom when I was two
07:36And, uh, this little charade must be very painful for you
07:41Yeah, actually
07:42Shut up, he's coming
07:44And found them both
07:46Oh, terrific
07:47You know, it's funny
07:48I remember the very first pair of big boy shoes I bought for this kid
07:51You know what he said?
07:53My toes got their own house now
08:00So, uh, how did those fit?
08:02Wonderfully
08:03They remind me of my first GI government issue
08:07You serve in WW2?
08:10Army, 71st Infantry
08:11You're kidding!
08:13You're 29th!
08:14I mean, we were the guys that went in first
08:16I mean, cleared the way for you
08:19Cleared the way?
08:20It was no picnic for us, you know
08:22Yeah, but we took a hell of a lot more casualties
08:24Well, sure, but you understand how difficult it was for us?
08:28Flipping over all your bodies?
08:32Hey, Dad
08:33We're out of the Rockport Loafers
08:35I'll call in an order, okay?
08:36Thanks, Scotty
08:38That's my son
08:40Good-looking boy
08:42Straighten up
08:43Hey, I got an idea
08:45What do you say we go out for dinner and drinks?
08:47We bring our boys
08:48We'll tell them how the war really was
08:50How my unit saved your ass
08:52I mean, how we saved yours
08:54But, uh, we'll pick this up at Tony Romus
08:56Uh, actually, Dad
08:59I'm kind of busy with things right now
09:01I don't have time
09:02Well, you sure find time to shoe shop
09:04You can't sit with these good people for an hour
09:06And have dinner?
09:07Now, take those off
09:08And go wait for me in the car
09:15And that's the cheapest room rate you have?
09:18You do realize you're in a town in Maryland
09:20No one outside of the state has ever heard of?
09:23Tell them we're AAA members
09:24Tell them
09:25Yeah, just for one night
09:26Uh-huh
09:27Tell them we're AAA
09:27Sometimes they give you a discount
09:28All right, well, thank you
09:30Bye-bye
09:31Why are we a member of an auto club
09:33If you won't bring it up?
09:34I did before you came in
09:37$189 is the best rate they can give us
09:39Can't we just mark no on this RSVP card?
09:42It'd be so simple
09:43Two little letters
09:43N
09:46We can't
09:47We're in too deep now
09:48Lisa called me last night
09:49And I actually said again
09:50We'd be there with bells on
09:51Again with the bells?
09:52What is your obsession with bells?
09:54We flew in from Munich
09:55Oh, come on
09:57And you know what the worst thing is?
09:59We go down there
10:00We give up our entire weekend
10:01We eat terrible catered food
10:03And they have like 300 guests coming
10:04We'll see them for maybe 10 seconds
10:07Somehow I always end up
10:08In the middle of a cluster of cousins
10:09During the YMCA dance
10:11Well, that's just because
10:12You do it so well
10:13I know
10:16I mean, remember Teddy
10:18And David's wedding?
10:19We never saw them
10:20They would have never known
10:21We were even there
10:25Oh
10:26I just
10:26I just had a thought
10:28What?
10:30300 guests
10:31We'll never even see them
10:33We should just
10:34Not go and say we went
10:36What?
10:37We can't do that
10:38I'm not sure we can't
10:41But it
10:43Isn't it illegal?
10:44No
10:44Not at all
10:45You just said we'll see them
10:46For 10 seconds maybe
10:47Who's to say we weren't there?
10:49We could do this
10:51Do we dare?
10:52Yes
10:53And then a week from now
10:54We called them
10:54And we said we had a good time
10:55And how great she looked
10:56And that we're sorry
10:57We couldn't spend more time with them
10:59Mr. Heffernan
11:00You just might be on to something
11:03So you in?
11:04I don't know
11:05I'm scared
11:06Yes
11:06There you go
11:07Okay
11:08This is one of the greatest ideas
11:09I ever had
11:10And I thought of double stuffed Oreos
11:11Way before it was realized
11:15Okay
11:18RSVP
11:19Yes
11:19And we will have
11:21The chicken
11:22Wait what?
11:23What's the other choice?
11:24Steak
11:24You know what?
11:25Mark me down for that
11:26We're not going
11:27What's the difference?
11:29Such a red flag
11:30They'd look at it and go
11:31What?
11:31Doug's not having the steak
11:32What the heck's going on here?
11:34Are they pretending to come?
11:37Okay
11:38I don't think they jumped to that
11:40But alright
11:40Steak it is
11:41You know what?
11:42I will go for the steak too
11:43Alright
11:43Okay
11:44We're doing this
11:46Okay
11:47I'm doing it
11:49This is living
11:50I did it
11:50Okay
11:51And we are officially saying
11:54We are going to a wedding
11:56And not going
11:57Make love to me
12:18The place cards
12:20The place cards
12:20Doug
12:22Wake up
12:22I just thought of something
12:23What?
12:24The wedding
12:24If we don't show up
12:26Lisa and Guy will see that our place cards weren't picked up
12:28They'll know we weren't there
12:32So that's all we really need you to do
12:34Just pick up our place cards
12:35And then push the food around on our plate
12:37So it looked like we ate
12:38Yeah basically just keep us alive
12:40And as a bonus
12:41If you actually want anything from our plates
12:43Like if you want a second steak
12:44Or some more potatoes
12:45Go to town
12:48Is that all?
12:50Well you know what?
12:50Hey actually at some point during the night
12:51I want you to go to the bar
12:52Pick up two drinks
12:53Then walk by Guy
12:54And go
12:55What's up man?
12:55Where's Doug?
12:56I got his drink
12:56Hey
12:58Do you understand that we don't want to go to Maryland either?
13:00Hey
13:01Let's jump on their plan
13:03I mean we could just pretend to go too
13:04Oh no no no you can't
13:05No way
13:06No way
13:06There's no way four people can fake pee there
13:08No
13:08No it's way too obvious
13:10Besides I thought of it first
13:11What do you mean you thought of it first?
13:13You didn't invent the idea of pretending to pee somewhere
13:15When you're not really there
13:17Yes I did
13:19Well too bad
13:20If we have to go we're not going to help
13:22Please Kel
13:23Please
13:24I'm begging you help us out here
13:28Oh all right
13:29What?
13:30We're going anyway
13:31Thank you
13:32Thank you so much
13:33One other thing
13:35If you wouldn't mind giving them this
13:36We'd really appreciate it
13:38Thanks so much
13:40Hey this is Doug
13:44And this is Carrie
13:46We can't come to the phone right now
13:47Because we're in Maryland
13:49We're back on Sunday
13:52But you know what to do
13:54Do it after the beef
13:55Good
13:55Because we're in Maryland
13:59I think they got the point
14:00How sweet is this
14:01We would have been driving for five hours
14:03And instead
14:04I'm parking my hiney on the living room couch
14:07It's pretty sweet isn't it
14:09We got the whole weekend ahead of us
14:11Oh yeah
14:13Relaxation
14:19Who's that?
14:20I don't know
14:25Hi
14:25Hey
14:26Guess what
14:28My kid has 103 fever
14:31What?
14:31Yeah
14:32So it turns out
14:33Kelly and I can't go to the wedding
14:34I just called Lisa and Guy in Maryland
14:36And cancelled
14:37They were disappointed
14:38But they totally understood
14:40Who's going to keep us alive?
14:42Mmm
14:42Not sure
14:43So um
14:45Let me give you this back
14:48And since I guess
14:49You'll have to go
14:50If you wouldn't mind
14:51Drop off Kelly and I can't
14:53Would you?
14:54But we had an arrangement
14:56Very sick kid
14:57Sorry
14:57I actually should get back to him
14:59We're supposed to bathe him in cold water
15:00So
15:01See ya
15:05So that's all we were wondering
15:06If you could just make it look like we were there
15:09You know
15:09Pick up our place cards
15:11Dump some food off our plates
15:13Yeah
15:13And uh
15:14If you could just
15:15You know
15:15Give them
15:16This here
15:18Oh
15:18And uh
15:20Just this right there
15:21That'd be great
15:23Nice
15:23Yeah
15:23So
15:24You want us to lie
15:25To Lisa and Guy
15:27And make it look like you're there
15:29Yeah
15:29So what do you think?
15:31To be honest
15:32I think that's awful
15:34I'd be very uncomfortable doing that
15:37I was going to say the same thing
15:41Fair enough
15:42Fair enough
15:46So what else is going on?
15:53So Scotty runs the store with me
15:55And at night he takes classes to St. John's
15:58Getting his business degree
16:00Yeah when I'm done
16:01We're going to see if we can turn our place into a chain
16:03Maybe open up some franchises around Long Island
16:05Quite a boy, huh?
16:07Yeah
16:08Quite a boy
16:11Oh Spence, what do you do?
16:13He owns the subway
16:15I work in the subway
16:17I sell tokens and maps
16:19The occasional metro card
16:20Would it kill you to go to school at night?
16:23I don't want to go to school
16:24Yeah
16:25Well there's a new thing out called ambition
16:27Get some
16:30Fruit of my loins
16:32Emphasis on fruit
16:33Kate, leave me alone, will ya?
16:34I'll leave you alone when you take a little responsibility for your life
16:37Be a man
16:38Shut up, just shut up
16:39The mouth he gets from his mother
16:40Hey, leave my mother out of this
16:42Uh, I think I'll go check on our table
16:45Actually, uh, I'll go with you, Dad
16:49Yeah, uh, look
16:50I think I'm gonna get going
16:52What are you talking about?
16:53We're gonna have a delicious dinner
16:54Yeah, well
16:55I'm just not very hungry
16:56Goodbye
16:57Yeah, go ahead, run away
16:58But there are a million boys like Scott out there
17:00And you can't run away from all of them
17:01What the hell is going on?
17:03Why are you being so mean to me?
17:05Have I said one thing that isn't true?
17:07Look at yourself
17:08You're 34 years old
17:10And you've gone nowhere
17:10You work on the ground like a ferris
17:13Yeah, okay, you know what?
17:14Fine, you're right
17:15But just once during this entire time
17:17That you've been pretending to be my father
17:18Would it have killed you?
17:20Just once
17:21To say, uh, you're a good boy, Spence
17:23Or I'm proud of you, Spence
17:26I love you, Spence
17:28Would that have killed you?
17:32Oh, God, what have I done?
17:43It's gonna be okay, boy
17:48No, you can't say I called you with this
17:51What?
17:52Who's that?
17:53The band leader for the wedding
17:55Okay, what I'm asking you to say
17:58Is Doug and Carrie just requested the song
18:03No!
18:05Honey, you have to say that I just did it
18:07Okay, you know what?
18:08Never mind
18:09Okay, thank you, bye
18:10Uh, no help, this guy over here
18:12Jeez, what is up with people?
18:16Well, the wedding's in two hours
18:18I'd say we're pretty much screwed
18:20Yeah, it's, uh, it's over
18:22You know what I wonder?
18:24What's that moment gonna be
18:25When they finally realize we didn't show up?
18:28How's it gonna come out?
18:30Will the gay couple tell them?
18:33The band leader?
18:34Our accountant?
18:37Here's how it's gonna happen
18:39Guy and Lisa are gonna come to our table
18:41To thank us for sharing their special day
18:43And all they're gonna find
18:44Are two uneaten steaks
18:46And a dirty little secret
18:53How we doing on time?
18:54We're still three hours away
18:56Damn!
18:57Well, drive faster
18:58Maybe we can make it there
18:58Before they bring out the friggin' cake
19:01Oh, bear left
19:02We need the 95 South
19:02Okay
19:06Hand me the Snapple bottle
19:07I gotta pee
19:34There they are
19:34Hurry up
19:35I can see them
19:35They're leaving
19:36I can't run in these heels
19:38Why are you wearing heels?
19:39It's a wedding
19:45Lisa!
19:46Guy!
19:47We're here!
19:48Hey, Doug, here!
19:49The steak was delicious!
19:50We're here!
19:51We're here!
19:52Hey, we're here!
19:53Excuse me!
19:54Excuse me!
19:54Move!
19:55Hey!
19:56Oh, it's gone!
19:58We missed him
20:00They probably couldn't see us
20:01Through all the friggin' bubbles
20:03Okay, there's no way
20:04We drove all the way to Maryland
20:05We're not getting credit for it
20:08Come on!
20:08Come on!
20:09Here, take them!
20:16I'm sorry
20:17This is groom's family only
20:19That's right
20:19I'm, uh...
20:20I'm his, uh...
20:21Snapping that to you
20:21All right
20:23All right
20:23Hey, groom's family only
20:24Please
20:26All right, all right
20:27Fine
20:28Sorry
20:28Sorry
20:29Excuse me, man
20:30Sorry
20:32Okay, everybody say
20:33Wedded bliss
20:35Wedded bliss
20:40Groom's family only
20:56Groom's family only
20:57About my best friend
20:59He's a warm-hearted person
21:01Who loved me
21:02Till the end
21:03People, let me tell you
21:05About my best friend
21:07He's a one-boy
21:09Cuddly toy
21:10My up, my down
21:11My pride and joy
21:12People, let me tell you
21:13About him
21:14He's so pretty fun
21:15Whether we're talking
21:16Man to man
21:17Or whether we're talking
21:18Son to son
21:19Cause he's my best friend
21:50Yeah, he's my best friend
21:52Not until he's gone
21:53Just like
21:56Meaning
21:58They're paying
21:59L pour
22:00That
22:00b Let
22:00me tell you I
22:00literally Let
22:00Love
22:01can.
22:01Do We Haveado
Comments