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00:12My words are lazy, my thoughts are hazy, but this is one thing I'm sure of, everybody needs a best
00:22friend, I'm happy I'm yours.
00:32Oh yeah, and when Ice Cube punches Deebo and then Smokey says, you got knocked the fuck out, man.
00:36No, no, no, actually it was more like, you got knocked the fuck out, man.
00:40Oh yeah, no, it's more like, you got knocked the fuck out, man.
00:43The mid-90s truly are the golden age of comedy.
00:46Yeah, black people are so cool.
00:48Hey, watch it.
00:50Sorry, Dennis, so late.
00:52We ran out of ketchup, so I had to go to six different neighbors before I finally found enough to
00:58cover the meatloaf.
01:00Meatloaf again?
01:01We just had meatloaf two days ago.
01:03I wouldn't do this, but Ice Cube would call you a bitch right now.
01:06I'm sorry, I thought you liked my meatloaf.
01:09Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you guys?
01:12Susan makes dinner for four people and a bear every night, and you never even say thank you.
01:16You just sit there and complain.
01:18Swear to God, you guys have zero appreciation for her.
01:21It's okay, Blair. Everyone should have what they like.
01:25What do you want instead?
01:26Oh, can we do breakfast for dinner?
01:28No fucking way.
01:29Why not?
01:30Eating eggs afternoon is gay.
01:32What the fuck are you talking about?
01:34Think about it.
01:35The gays are up all night doing stuff to each other, and they miss breakfast.
01:38So, they invent brunch.
01:40They meet up around 11, they have their fruity little drinks, they talk about hairstyles and lotions and whatever the
01:45fuck,
01:45and by the time they start eating their breakfast, it's afternoon.
01:48That's actually a solid theory.
01:50Yeah, I got no notes.
01:51So, the exact cutoff time for when eggs become gay is 11 a.m.?
01:55Is that the theory?
01:56Yes.
01:56Oh, that's why McDonald's stopped serving breakfast at 11.
01:59Right!
01:59They don't want guys banging each other in the bathroom.
02:02Pretty sure that happens anyway.
02:03Oh, dear.
02:04What?
02:05I put two eggs in the meatloaf for structure.
02:07No, no, no.
02:08Eggs in stuff is okay, but on their own, gay.
02:12I don't want to take any chances.
02:15Johnny's at a very impressionable age.
02:17Hey, Dad, what happens if you accidentally eat an egg afternoon?
02:21You gotta chase it with a straight food.
02:22Like what?
02:23Stew.
02:24Oh, my God.
02:25I ate an egg the night I decided I like girls.
02:28See?
02:29But I only ate half.
02:31That's why I go both ways.
02:32Right there!
02:34They couldn't get the stew in me quick enough.
02:36Hey, it's not your fault, Blair.
02:54Teddy, look.
02:56It's Sheila Borgwart.
02:57Fuck, she's gotta be the hottest drug dealer on the planet.
03:01Hey, you know, I just realized something.
03:03What?
03:04I ain't seen her since I turned 18.
03:05I'm an adult now.
03:07An adult buy drugs.
03:08That is the main thing they do, yes.
03:10I, John Bennett, am going to buy drugs from Sheila Borgwart.
03:15How do I look?
03:16Doesn't matter.
03:19Hey, Sheila.
03:21Hey.
03:22I'm John.
03:24Bennett.
03:25We, uh, we met last year, remember?
03:27Um, possibly.
03:30My, uh, my diarrhea's gone.
03:34Oh.
03:34Yeah.
03:35It's all normal now.
03:37I mean, every so often I'll get a bum taco or whatever and something will happen, but for
03:40the most part, I've been solid.
03:43Sheila, hi, Ted.
03:44We've also met.
03:45Listen, John here has recently become a man.
03:48Not in a sexual way, obviously, but in a biological way, and he would like to purchase
03:53some marijuana from you.
03:56Uh, sure.
03:57How much you want.
03:58Holy shit, really?
04:00Oh, man, being an adult rocks.
04:03I got birthday money from Nana and Pop Pop, and I want to spend it all.
04:06Two hundred dollars.
04:07Two hundred?
04:08Yeah.
04:09Okay.
04:17Here's a quarter pound.
04:20Holy shit.
04:23That is a Chris Tucker amount of weed.
04:25That is fucking beautiful.
04:27Sheila, thanks for being my first time.
04:30Please don't say that.
04:32I don't know why I lied to you.
04:33I have had diarrhea.
04:35Okay.
04:37And within the hour.
04:38Enjoy your buzz.
04:45You will never not be a virgin.
04:50I don't, I don't ever think I've been this high before.
04:55Do I have human feet right now?
04:57I feel like I have human feet.
04:59Oh, no.
05:00What do human feet feel like?
05:02Oh, that's a good question.
05:03Let's ask someone.
05:06Hey, boys.
05:07Mom?
05:08What are you doing here?
05:09Show me your feet.
05:10It's such a beautiful day.
05:12I thought instead of you kids taking the bus, we could go to the mall and I could get you
05:17some graduation underwear.
05:20Underwear?
05:21It goes over your butt.
05:23And maybe afterward we can go to see us and get our portraits made.
05:27Show me your fucking feet!
05:33So, Johnny, I was thinking about the kind of underwear you should get, and I believe a
05:38boy's underwear should match his father's.
05:41But then I prayed about it, and if you want to try something different, I think it'd be
05:46okay.
05:48Fuck, you're so soft.
05:51Have you always been this soft?
05:53Yeah, I'm a fucking teddy bear, dude.
05:57Oh, I'm a fucking teddy bear.
06:00What was that?
06:01Oh, my God!
06:02Are we on fire?
06:04It's okay, boys.
06:06It's just a policeman.
06:08Fuck, we got all this weed.
06:09Maybe he's not a cop.
06:11Maybe he's a stripper.
06:12Oh, yeah.
06:13Because sometimes they dress up like cops.
06:15If he says you have the right to remain sexy, we're in the clear.
06:36Good afternoon, ma'am.
06:37Can I see your license and registration?
06:39Touch his dick and see how he reacts.
06:41Oh, of course.
06:43Is something wrong, officer?
06:45You aware that your left brake light's out?
06:47Oh, dear.
06:49My husband usually takes care of these things, but he's been having solid urines.
06:54Hey, if you're a cop, you have to tell us.
06:57Excuse me?
06:58Yeah, I know our rights.
06:59And you ain't got no right to search this car or this pocket or this backpack without a
07:03warrant.
07:04Well, that's not at all suspicious.
07:05Yeah, well, I could say the same thing about you.
07:07Pulling over a Laura Biden family on their way to buy clean underwear with absolutely no
07:12drugs of any kind anywhere in the car or on their persons.
07:15Okay, everyone step out of the car.
07:17Fuck.
07:27Mom, I gotta tell you something.
07:29What is it, honey?
07:31I'm holding.
07:33Well, try to hold it as long as you can, and then I can take you to the ladies' room
07:37when we get to the mall so you can do your doodos.
07:40No, Mom, I have marijuana in my backpack.
07:42I bought it after school.
07:44What?
07:45I know, I know.
07:46I'm stupid, and I'm sorry.
07:48Oh, Johnny.
07:51You're 18 now.
07:54You can get the chair.
07:56What are we up here?
07:58Whose is this?
08:00It's...
08:01Mine.
08:03It's mine.
08:04What?
08:05Yours?
08:05I am hooked on the junk, officer.
08:08Mom, what are you doing?
08:09I eat it, and I shoot it, and I take it in all the ways.
08:13And I have ever since Woodstock, which is where I learned.
08:18Fucking hippies.
08:20Turn around.
08:23Hey, I know her rights.
08:25Oh, yeah?
08:25What are they?
08:26Ah, fuck.
08:33Boys, there's some emergency Ziti in the freezer, and a stove is in the basement.
08:37Watch your head.
08:53He took Mom.
08:54He took our weed.
08:55And he took Susan, as well.
08:57Oh.
09:01You can't do that to Bret Hart, you big, fat foreigner.
09:09Where the hell have you been?
09:10Where's your mother?
09:12Matty.
09:15Let's talk.
09:16What the fuck?
09:19Run, Johnny.
09:20Stay alive.
09:21No matter what happens, I will find you.
09:23Get the fuck back here.
09:24Oh, jeez.
09:53I'll be right back.
09:55You stay here and write your confession, dipshit.
10:03I can't do it.
10:04Why not?
10:05I'm scared, Blair.
10:06I can't go to jail.
10:07Oh, but you're perfectly fine with your mother going in your place?
10:10I swear to God, this is exactly what I was talking about last night on fucking steroids.
10:15Susan does everything for this family, and nobody ever does shit for her.
10:18But look at this face, Blair.
10:19Look at his mouth.
10:20It's so youthful.
10:21If he goes to prison, it's going to be filled with dicks.
10:24And how does a mouthful of dicks help Susan?
10:26Oh, fuck you guys.
10:32A mouthful of dicks?
10:33I was exaggerating for effect.
10:35It'll probably just be one or two dicks.
10:38But they'll be big ones, Johnny.
10:41Yes, they will.
10:53Hey.
10:54How you doing?
10:55Oh, I'm fine, Maddie.
10:58Did Johnny tell you where to find the ziti?
11:01Don't you fucking worry.
11:03Johnny's going to confess, and you'll be home by tonight.
11:05No, Maddie.
11:07Don't make him do that.
11:08It was my choice.
11:10What?
11:11Johnny's 18 now.
11:13He's just starting his life.
11:16This could ruin his future.
11:18It could keep him from going to college.
11:20It could encourage him to join a breakdance gang.
11:24But they were his drugs.
11:26He's got to learn responsibility.
11:28Not like this.
11:30Promise me you won't make him.
11:33Susan.
11:36Fine.
11:38Besides, it's my first offense.
11:40I'm sure they'll go easy on me.
11:43I sentence you to 20 years in state prison.
11:47Next case.
11:49Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Susan Bennett.
11:53Possession of marijuana.
11:54Don't.
11:55Don't.
11:55Stop doing that.
11:56It's a courtroom, Blair.
11:57I have to.
11:58It's the law.
11:59And order.
12:00Dun-dun.
12:01Ow!
12:02Fuck!
12:04Dun-dun.
12:06Mrs. Bennett, you're charged with possession of marijuana.
12:08How do you plead?
12:10I cannot lie, Your Honor.
12:13I plead guilty.
12:16Mel, thank you for your honesty.
12:18Since this is your first offense, and you seem to be a nice lady,
12:22I'm going to be lenient.
12:24I sentence you to 10 days in the county jail.
12:2710 days?
12:28Oh, Christ.
12:28Court is adjourned.
12:31Dun-dun.
12:33Ah, I like you.
12:43I'm coming.
12:46Vic.
12:50Tommy.
13:01Drive.
13:03Drive.
13:04Drive.
13:11who the fuck are you hi i'm susan bennett i'm your new roommate
13:23this is a nice place you have here what's your name bitch killer oh yeah rhymes with mitch
13:32miller the fuck why are you here oh i i did a very bad thing did you kill a bitch
13:38or something
13:40marriage warner no shit oh no none at all why are you here because the fucking system's corrupt
13:48i ain't do shit i'm innocent oh no have you said anything to anyone we should let him know
13:56god this woman's innocent shut the fuck up and mind your own business we ain't friends
14:02we aren't friends but i bet you a piece of cinnamon toast we will be
14:10are you threatening me i am cornholio
14:16what the fuck is going on in here we're just watching tv you two ain't watching shit if
14:23your mother's in jail you're in jail what does that mean it means you guys are going to clean
14:28the goddamn house you're going to do the laundry you're going to do the fucking dishes and you're
14:32going to cook all the meals so get ready for fucking hell isn't that just susan's daily routine
14:36you're goddamn right it is and that's their punishment so get started okay okay we got
14:43this it's housekeeping how hard can it be yeah yeah even the name sounds like a game housekeeping
14:49you idiots have no idea what you're talking about oh yeah watch this
14:56see that i just kept house i'm a housekeeper yeah and look at me i'm betty fucking crocker
15:02you know what i stand corrected you guys got this good luck all right i'm gonna dust you then you
15:10dust me
15:10right
15:25may i join you ladies
15:32i'm susan i'm bunking with miss killup what are your names eat a cock how about you
15:40i'm fedex that's 69 that's gungina men die if they get in my crosshairs oh these are such
15:48interesting names why do they call you fedex because i can get you anything within 24 hours
15:54oh as long as it fits up my ass oh what are you ladies talking about the fucking food here
16:02i want to feed this shit to my fucking dog i knew a dog once that likes soup
16:08isn't that silly he belonged to our next door neighbors and he was such a sweet sweet boy
16:14but then he attacked a toddler and they had to put a muzzle on him but then he chewed through
16:20that
16:20muzzle and attacked another toddler and then the church had to move him to another area oh no wait
16:26that was father o'brien
16:3269 what does that name mean listen hoe if you talk too much around here you get cut
16:37so if i were you i'd shut my motherfucking mouth
16:47i don't understand all this shit and somehow all we made was one boiled egg
16:52i don't even know if it's any good wait it's afternoon that's a gay egg
16:58shit now i'm thinking about john stamos pushing a lawnmower shirtless
17:01what the fuck are you idiots doing in there where's dinner it's almost ready okay we gotta think of
17:07something mom normally goes to the store on saturday so there ain't much here okay uh we got slim
17:12jims white bread shredded cheese and a shit ton of condiments i got an idea
17:23okay gourmet hot dogs
17:27what the hell is this what do you mean it's dinner this pile of shit is dinner we call it
17:32the frank
17:33further we've taken the hot dog into the radical 90s whoa surf's up
17:41what i ain't eating that shit unbelievable we slave away in there we make you a delicious meal
17:47we drop it on the floor pick it up and rinse it off and this is the thanks we get
17:52you know i knew you two would fuck this up fuck it i'll go to the grocery store and i'll
17:57do it myself
18:01can i get some goddamn help here where's the fucking dinner aisle
18:16what the fuck this is fucking bullshit what's going on surprise inspection
18:26motherfucker my bunk's a mess i'm gonna get written up again and lose my watercolor privileges
18:31bitch killer get in here
18:33shit
18:38this is the cleanest bunk i have ever seen
18:41what the fuck
18:43what's that smell
18:45it's potpourri
18:46i made it with the dry flowers from the memorial for that lady who was stamped in the shower the
18:52other day
18:52well it's lovely
18:55congratulations bitch killer
18:57you passed inspection for once
19:00but i got my eye on you
19:06you did this
19:07yeah
19:08why
19:09oh i'm so used to picking up johnny's room it was easy
19:14also
19:16i made you some slippers out of maxi pads
19:19how'd you know my size
19:21the slippers or the maxi pads
19:23good looking out
19:25oh
19:26i don't know what that means
19:32the family is huge
19:37teddy dry as done
19:43teddy
19:53jesus christ
19:54teddy what happened
19:56next time you start that thing fucking knock first
19:58hey
19:59what the fuck is going on with the laundry huh
20:01everything i own is too small and i can't buy my underwear
20:04oh yeah we threw them out
20:06what
20:06why
20:07because they were covered in skid marks
20:09well i can't go to work without any underwear on
20:11the guys will bust my fucking chops all day
20:14how
20:14how will they know you're not wearing underwear
20:16don't play dumb
20:18well what do you want us to do
20:19go dig them out of the fucking trash and put some white out on them
20:24go
20:24god damn it
20:25all right we're fucking going
20:40hello ladies
20:41what the fuck are you doing back there
20:43well you were saying you didn't like the food
20:46so i talked to the warden i made a few suggestions and she put me in charge of the kitchen
20:51is that meatloaf
20:53yeah
20:54would you like to try it
20:59oh my god they're fucking great it reminds me of my mother's prison meatloaf
21:04i use pigeon eggs and some pigeon but i think it turned out okay
21:09hey
21:10hey
21:11what the fuck you want half foot
21:13half foot
21:15what a cute name
21:17is it because you're short
21:18not that it's any of your fucking business but yeah
21:21and also because i lost half my foot in a shovel fight
21:24oh dear
21:26well at least you don't have to trim your toenails
21:28it's not that half of the foot
21:30oh
21:31i was kitchen bitch until yesterday
21:33you stole my fucking job
21:35they put me down in the motherfucking laundry
21:36oh i'm sorry i didn't mean to take anyone's job
21:40i was just trying to make the food better
21:42oh so my food was shit
21:44is that what you're saying
21:47you're dead meat
21:5369
21:54i could use a hug right now
22:05why the fuck do i gotta know how to read
22:07my mom couldn't read and she made bang from giving head
22:09oh reading's wonderful for your head
22:12and it's not hard to learn at all
22:15now i borrowed this from the jail library
22:18the very hungry caterpillar
22:21you think you've been naughty
22:22wait till you see what he gets up to
22:25the fuck is all this shit
22:27oh hi half foot
22:28i was just teaching gungina how to read
22:31would you like me to teach you how to read too
22:34what
22:35first you stole my fucking job
22:37now you calling me fucking illiterate
22:39how would you like half a foot in your ass
22:42is there a problem here
22:44no
22:45no problem
22:48i'll be seeing you susan
22:50okay
22:51bye bye
22:54oh excuse me god
22:55what
22:56what are the plans for easter
22:59easter
23:00well it's this sunday
23:01i imagine the warden's providing the baskets
23:04but who do i talk to about getting 700 colored eggs
23:07this is jail there ain't no plans for easter
23:11but it's jesus's big day
23:13how will he know we care if we don't hide eggs
23:16not my problem
23:21oh gungina that's not what those holes are for
23:31god damn
23:32how'd this happen so fast
23:34dude this is uh
23:35do you use this sock for uh
23:37love making yes
23:38yeah
23:39yeah it usually gets washed before it gets like that
23:44well guess we should change the sheets
23:46yeah
23:58anything else covered in dried cum that i should know about
24:05so i said oh yeah motherfucker
24:07and i cut half his dick off
24:11which half
24:12the left half
24:17what are you laughing at
24:19is it me
24:20is it my body
24:22are you laughing at my body
24:24chill out cracker
24:26this ain't got nothing to do with you
24:27what did you just call me inmate
24:31you're looking for trouble bitch killer
24:33excuse me
24:34can i say something
24:37i don't think you ladies understand just how difficult a job mrs god has
24:42are you taking a fucking side
24:44well i saw in 60 minutes that prison guards have a very very hard job
24:49they put their lives at risk every day
24:52they only make about 24 000 a year
24:55plus they have to buy their own gun
24:57which many of them used to kill themselves
25:00or our spouses
25:01they're real people just like us
25:04thank you susan
25:05that means a lot
25:07and i think you have a wonderful body
25:12i need to go call my mother
25:26michael are you sure you know what you're doing
25:36is that your wedding tux
25:38it's the only thing that's clean
25:41uh
25:41uh what is that a puddle of
25:43you don't want to know
25:44heads up i'm gonna send down the trash
25:52boys
25:54back in nam
25:55we learned when it's time to abandon your post
25:59that time is now
26:01hey hey hey not that way
26:03jesus christ
26:04don't go near the fucking bees nest
26:06how are we supposed to get out
26:07there's a beaver damn block in the kitchen door
26:10uh
26:39I'll make it now, please.
26:42Yo, what the fuck you doing in my cell, bitch?
26:45Oh, I have foot.
26:47You just ran out of fucking time.
26:50Happy Easter.
26:51What?
26:52Easter's all about second chances.
26:55Jesus got a second chance.
26:58I think our friendship deserves one, too.
27:06Fruit by the foot?
27:07Now you can have all the feet you could ever want.
27:10Fruit by the foot.
27:13Thanks.
27:14Susan, you got us all Easter baskets?
27:18Oh, it was nothing.
27:19And I couldn't have done it without FedEx's help.
27:22I got peeps.
27:23Real peeps.
27:24And a can of egg cream egg.
27:26Mine's empty.
27:27Don't you worry.
27:28The candy's on its way.
27:31It's shipped, but not delivered.
27:34Let's eat.
27:35Shit.
27:36One of us, one of us.
27:40Just a slob like one of us.
27:46Just a stranger on the bus.
27:56Faster with that whiteout.
27:57Come on, move.
27:58You're shitting faster than we can paint.
28:00Jesus.
28:01Mom's job is really fucking hard.
28:03Yeah.
28:04No shit.
28:05It's about time you ingrates figured that out.
28:07It sucks that Mom's gonna come home tomorrow to the house looking like this.
28:11She deserves more.
28:12Yeah.
28:13She does.
28:15Hey, Blair.
28:15If we promise to do better, will you help us put the house back together?
28:20For Mom?
28:21Are you asking me because I'm a woman?
28:23No.
28:24I'm asking you because you're the only non-idiot here.
28:28Fine.
28:29I'll do it.
28:30For Susan.
28:32Thanks, Blair.
28:33Grab a brush.
28:34We're painting undies.
28:42Gonna miss you, Susan.
28:44Oh.
28:45I'm gonna miss you all so much.
28:47I ain't gonna be the same in here without you.
28:50My ass is full, but so is my heart.
28:52Thanks for teaching me to read.
28:54From now on, my name is Brooke China.
28:57And I'm gonna keep water in my foot, just like you said.
28:59I know it'll grow back one day.
29:03Ah, bitch killer.
29:04Thank you for being the best roommate a girl could ever ask for.
29:10No, Susan.
29:12Ah, I got one more surprise for you.
29:15What is it?
29:19Oh, dear.
29:20I did it with a razor blade and charcoal ink.
29:23It's so big.
29:25She did it when we still hated you.
29:27Four bitches held me down in the shower.
29:29It's funny how things work out.
29:31God always has a plan.
29:34Goodbye, girls.
29:56Okay.
29:57That's a lot better.
29:59Yeah.
30:01Mom.
30:01Oh, my God.
30:02Hey, Mom.
30:03Hey, Mom.
30:04Hey, Mom.
30:04Oh, we missed you.
30:04We missed you so much.
30:06Did they give you back the wheat?
30:07Oh, we missed you.
30:08Oh, my goodness.
30:10Did you have a party?
30:12This place is a mess.
30:18There.
30:19Mom, we did our best, but we had no idea how hard your job is.
30:23Yeah, we took you for granted, and we promise it'll never happen again.
30:26That's right.
30:27You can make us meatloaf any time you want.
30:29We won't say shit.
30:30Yeah, any time you want to make meatloaf is good with us.
30:33Even tonight would be okay.
30:34Let's have it tonight.
30:35Hurry.
30:35Now.
30:36Jesus, she just walked in the fucking door.
30:38It's okay, Blair.
30:39I'd love to make my family some meatloaf.
30:55Hey, Mom.
30:57I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything, and thank you.
31:02I almost ruined my life, and you saved me.
31:05Oh, Johnny.
31:07That's what growing up's all about, making mistakes and letting your mother fix it all.
31:12Well, that was our last one.
31:14No more mistakes for us.
31:16You know, boys, having spent some time on the inside, I learned that everybody needs somebody
31:23to look out for them.
31:25I'm your mother.
31:27You don't have to thank me, or appreciate me, or even notice me.
31:33I'll always be right here.
31:36Always.
31:38I'm going to die here, Johnny.
31:42Right here.
31:44Good.
31:46Why isn't it ready?
31:54Oh, you've got a head full of someone dreadful, and yet, alas, that someone adores you.
32:03Everybody needs a best friend.
32:07I'm happy I'm yours.
32:10I'm just a clown.
32:13And I'll bring you down.
32:16But you just don't care if you're your best friend is me.
32:25Oh, you're welcome.
32:44Bye.
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