- 3 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:12My words are lazy, my thoughts are hazy, but this is one thing I'm sure of, everybody needs a best
00:22friend, I'm happy I'm yours.
00:35Oh, I can't believe my boys are high school graduates now!
00:41Yep, and all without opening a single book or applying ourselves in any way.
00:45Gun to my head I couldn't find Europe on a map. Is it the one shaped like a hand?
00:49I got through two years of French just knowing five words. Baguette. Déjà vu. Gerard. Depardieu.
00:57Boys, the world is your oyster now.
01:00No, it ain't. From here on out, there's no more gravy train, alright? You're an adult now, Johnny. That means
01:06responsibility.
01:07Don't you worry, Dad. You have my word. I am gonna take adulthood and grab it by the ass.
01:12Speaking of, I gotta take a dump. That was a long fucking ceremony.
01:16Jesus, we don't all need to hear about it.
01:18Have a good stool, Maddie. And Johnny, did you do your doo-doos yet today?
01:23Oh, Ma. I'm 18 now. Miner stool's two.
01:28Oh, good heavens, you're right. You're right. Oh, how time flies.
01:39You said, someone's toking some reefer.
01:43No, I may have said something about smelling some pot.
01:45You know, it's just an observation.
01:47Oh, an observation, huh? Well, who the hell are you, man? Isaac fucking Newton?
01:50It's kinda hard for me to buy that this guy has Isaac Newton on the tip of his tongue.
01:55Yeah, and he really seemed to have it locked and loaded. Like, I hope a situation arises today where I
01:59can mention my favorite scientist.
02:01Oh, look, they're gonna fight.
02:05Why do guys always take their shirts off when they're about to fight?
02:08Because guys will always look at nipples.
02:10Really?
02:10Oh, yeah. If they're out, a guy's looking. And while he's lost in your nipples, you punch him in the
02:14face.
02:15Wow.
02:15Yeah, ask Evander Holyfield.
02:17Hey, buddy, my fists are up here.
02:19Exactly. If JFK had been in the car shirtless, he'd be alive today.
02:23Boys, dinner's ready.
02:25To be continued.
02:27By the way, there's a surprise in the salad.
02:30Sun-dried tomatoes.
02:32I got turned around at the staffing shop and I ended up in the ethnic aisle.
02:36Sun-dried is just a fancy word for old. It's a WAP scam.
02:41Italian scam.
02:42Wait, no.
02:43Save them and give them out to the kids with the mustaches on Halloween.
02:46Jesus Christ, you are such a fucking bigot.
02:49It's like I'm living with Mark Furman.
02:50Oh, Christ, not this again.
02:52What, because you still can't admit he is a crooked, lying sack?
02:55OJ did it, all right? If the cops planted evidence, it was just to make up for OJ unplanting it.
03:01That doesn't make any sense.
03:03John, how did your interview go today?
03:05What?
03:06At my buddy Tommy's tire shop.
03:08Hey, it wasn't easy getting you in there.
03:10Luckily, there was an opening because Bob Donahue got crushed under a truck.
03:13Right, the interview. Um, it went great. I looked him right in the eye and I gave him a firm
03:19handshake and everything.
03:22Tommy doesn't have a hand.
03:24Oh.
03:25Lost it in a tire balancer last year.
03:27This sounds like a uniquely dangerous workplace.
03:30I shook his nub.
03:31He doesn't have a nub. It goes all the way up to the shoulder.
03:34I shook his shoulder.
03:36He's a head on a torso!
03:37How is this guy a mechanic?
03:39Okay, Dad.
03:40You didn't fucking go, did you?
03:41No, but-
03:42God damn it! I can't fucking believe it!
03:44If he takes his shirt off, don't get distracted by his nipples.
03:47See, the thing is-
03:47No! I'm sick of your fucking excuses.
03:50You didn't get into college, you ain't got a job, you ain't done nothing but sit on your ass since
03:54June!
03:55Matty, he's a late bloomer.
03:57He's a boy, Susan. Don't talk about him blooming.
03:59But it's wonderful when a boy blooms.
04:02I said stop it!
04:03You know what? The two of you are kicked out of this fucking house!
04:07Matty!
04:07No more free rides!
04:08Matty, no!
04:09No, it's for his own good, Susan. My kid ain't gonna fucking wind up like a fucking welfare queen!
04:14And more racism.
04:16How the fuck is that racist?
04:17You just said welfare queen.
04:19So?
04:19So, that is a racist black stereotype!
04:21I never said she was black!
04:23Oh, so it's automatically a woman.
04:25Well, a man's not popping out babies just to get rich!
04:27And don't change the fucking subject!
04:29I am tired of coming home every day to a house full of freeloaders who...
04:34Oh, fuck!
04:36Matty?
04:37Dad, are you okay?
04:38Ah, it's fucking indigestion.
04:40Ah, feels like Dom DeLuise is sitting on my chest.
04:44Honey, you want some Ailanta?
04:45Oh, shit!
04:49Ah!
04:51Ah!
04:56Ah!
04:57Is he gonna be okay?
04:59He's stable.
05:00But there are blockages in his arteries, so another cardiac event is likely.
05:04Whoa, whoa, whoa!
05:05Slow down, Doc!
05:06Explain it to me in sewage terms.
05:08Is it just a clogged sink, or is the main line blocked and the shit coming up through the shower
05:12drain?
05:12I guess it's closer to the second one.
05:16I'll need your consent to insert a stent into each blocked artery.
05:20Well, who's gonna do it?
05:22I'll be performing the procedure.
05:24Oh, yeah?
05:26What about this guy?
05:28He's a nurse.
05:29A guy?
05:30Yes.
05:31What the fuck's going on?
05:33Did you give me the drugs already?
05:34Will he stop being a fucking asshole and let him save your life?
05:38Alright, fine.
05:44I'm so sorry.
05:46I'm a doctor in Massachusetts.
05:47If I didn't save racist lives, I would do nothing.
05:52Susan, I'm scared.
05:54Everything's gonna be alright, honey.
05:57I love you so much.
05:58I love you, too.
06:02And son?
06:03Yeah, Dad?
06:04I don't say this enough, but...
06:09You really need a fucking haircut.
06:13I know, Dad.
06:15Hey, Johnny, look.
06:16I'm the kid in the wheelchair at the school dance.
06:18Who's also having a good time?
06:38Did...
06:38Did you just put a breast cancer self-exam pamphlet in your pocket?
06:42It's for when I get home.
06:43I'm just curious.
06:45In the fantasy, does she find a lump?
06:47Yeah.
06:48In my pants.
06:50Not your best work, but you're under a lot of stress.
06:55There's not even a photo on there.
06:56You're just gonna jerk off to a line drawing?
07:00Doctor, how is he?
07:02Is he gonna be okay?
07:03Also, the vending machine ate one of my quarters.
07:05Is there a form I can fill out, or...?
07:07The procedure went very smoothly, Mrs. Bennett.
07:09Oh, thank God.
07:10I'm so relieved.
07:11So, Matty's gonna be okay?
07:13Well, he's not out of the woods yet.
07:15His condition is very delicate, especially for the next few weeks.
07:18What does that mean?
07:19He needs to remain calm.
07:21If he gets overly agitated or angry, it could trigger another heart attack.
07:25Possibly be fatal.
07:27We'll say our goodbyes now.
07:37I think the best part of the grind is all the grinding.
07:40We're blessed to live in a time when dancing is just girls rubbing their butts against the dick area of
07:45guys' jeans.
07:46The patient is resting comfortably.
07:49He's not pissed about having to eat egg whites from now on?
07:51No, I disguise them with yellow food coloring.
07:53And tonight, I'm gonna use red dye to make the ground turkey look like ground beef.
07:59This must be what it feels like to be a spy.
08:04Oh, Johnny, please change the channel.
08:06I don't want your father to hear this.
08:08He calls it burglary music.
08:11Delightful.
08:13Alright, Mr. Simpson, would you please stand and face the jury?
08:16Oh, my God. I think they're about to announce the verdict.
08:18We, the jury, in the above entitled action, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty of the crime of
08:24murder...
08:25Holy shit, he got away with it.
08:27Well, that was a year and a half of our lives.
08:30Oh, this is very, very bad.
08:33Well, at least it might finally teach the LAPD a lesson.
08:36Maddie's always talking about how guilty OJ is.
08:39If he finds out about this, he'll get so angry, it could kill him.
08:43Making him OJ's third victim.
08:53I'm mad he'll be up soon. How do we tell him about OJ?
08:56Oh, let's tell him Johnny's gay.
08:58When he finds out it's not true, he'll be so relieved he won't even care about OJ.
09:02That's a stupid plan.
09:03Well, it's worth a try.
09:04And we're gonna need rollerblades, bicycle shorts, and some ice cream to get angry at.
09:08What does that mean?
09:09Well, cause the ice cream wants you to eat it.
09:11But you gotta keep your body lean for shenanigans.
09:14What if we don't tell him?
09:16What?
09:17He's stuck in bed. He'll never know.
09:19Yes, he will. There's a TV up there.
09:21It's his enid.
09:22We can cut the wires and tell him the cable's out.
09:24What, forever?
09:25No, not forever. Just till he's better and he can handle the news.
09:28That could work.
09:29Are you serious?
09:30Claire, you heard the doctor. If he gets pissed off, it'll kill him.
09:34Oh, I can't lose my Maddie. What would I do without him? Thrive?
09:38I feel like this is all my fault.
09:41Dad would have never had that heart attack if he hadn't been so upset about me being lazy.
09:46Blair, we gotta do this.
09:50Fine.
09:51It's not all your fault, Johnny.
09:52I've seen him put a scoop of Crisco on an ice cream cone.
09:55He does love his Criscos.
10:20Oh, damn it.
10:25Susan!
10:27Maddie, what's the matter?
10:29There's something wrong with the TV. I can't get shit.
10:31Oh, yeah. The cable company called. They said it's gonna be out for at least a week.
10:35Why don't you read a book?
10:36What am I, a woman?
10:38Uh...
10:39Guys are nurses. Men reading books. Janet Reno.
10:42What the fuck is going on with the world?
10:44Maddie, don't get upset, remember? The doctor said to keep calm.
10:48I wanna watch the news. The O.J. verdict's gotta be out by now.
10:52You know what? I'll call Trammels.
10:54Maybe somebody's heard something.
10:56He's guilty.
10:57What?
10:58Yeah, Dad. O.J. was found guilty, just like you were hoping.
11:01So there's no reason to be upset.
11:02Why the hell didn't you guys tell me?
11:04I was gonna tell you after you filled your bedpan as a reward.
11:10Oh!
11:13Oh, man!
11:15Oh, I wish I could have seen the look on O.J.'s face when they read that verdict.
11:20See, Blair? Even your black jury agrees with me about the cops.
11:24You gotta feel pretty fucking stupid right now.
11:27Oh, I... feel stupid.
11:30Man, can't wait to read about this in tomorrow's paper.
11:33What?
11:34Nah, bring it to me first thing in the morning.
11:36You know what? They... they might not even cover it.
11:38Of course they're gonna cover it.
11:39It's the biggest news story of the year!
11:41Right, there's no getting around that.
11:43In the meantime, I can just listen to the news on the radio.
11:46Ah, ah, ah, ah!
11:48Oops.
11:50Oh, butterfingers.
11:52It's like he's got butter all over your fingers.
11:58With what just happened.
11:59Right?
12:01Go wash your fingers.
12:03Huh?
12:04Go wash your fingers.
12:10Well, we're already back in fucking school.
12:13That didn't take long.
12:14I can't believe how easy it was to break into this place.
12:16Yeah. Probably be easy to come in, set a bunch of explosives, kill everybody.
12:20Jesus fucking Christ, Teddy.
12:22What? I'm saying it's a flaw. I'm pointing it out. I'm helping.
12:25Seriously, what the fuck is-
12:26Oh, come on, Johnny. You know I'm a good guy. You've seen my manifesto.
12:36Oh, sweet. They got everything we need.
12:38We sure we can pull this off?
12:40Oh, totally. How hard could it be to make a fake newspaper?
12:43I mean, it's just a big headline that says OJ guilty and then a bunch of bullshit about how justice
12:47was served.
12:47Johnny, there's more to a paper than one article.
12:50Real papers have sports sections and restaurant reviews and comics and jumble.
12:54That scrambled word game that's no fun and way harder than you think it'll be.
12:58Shit, you're right. We got a lot of work to do.
13:00Exactly. Now, we got a long night ahead of us. I want 500 words on the big dig.
13:04And where's the girl with my egg salad sandwich?
13:07Right away, queef.
13:10All right, let's keep my dad from dying.
13:19Hey, Dad. How you doing?
13:22Bored as shit.
13:23Well, get ready to cheer up, cause here's today's paper.
13:27A little thinner than usual.
13:29Oh, uh, well, the newspaper people were probably so focused on the main part that they ran out of time
13:35for the other stuff.
13:36Or maybe someone was goofing off, accidentally unplugged the computer, and they lost hours of work.
13:41Well, maybe that person needed to blow off some steam because his editor was riding him so hard.
13:45Maybe the editor resents having to hire the owner's nephew.
13:47Well, maybe that writer hasn't seen his kid in fucking weeks because the editor's such a goddamn slave driver.
13:52Maybe this city's full of promising young journalists who'd be happy to take his fucking seat in a second.
13:57Maybe suck a dick at you along the way.
13:58Oh, ho, ho, ho! Look at this! Huh? Ha, ha!
14:02Simpson was found guilty of murdering a blonde lady and another guy because he totally did it,
14:07and anyone that thinks different is an idiot.
14:10Just like I've been saying!
14:11Yeah, almost word for word.
14:13See what else is happening, huh?
14:18Socks win makes Yankees fans cry.
14:21UN declares America did win Vietnam.
14:24Finally, a good news day.
14:26And look at this!
14:27Jane Fonder admits, I'm a piece of shit.
14:30If you're looking for a chuckle, maybe check out the comic strip.
14:33Comic strip.
14:36The Galumphs?
14:37What's this?
14:38Uh, it's new, but I've been hearing good things.
14:41Apparently, it's about a family called the Galumphs who get into all sorts of mischief,
14:46but love each other at the end of the day.
14:48It's not drawn too good.
14:49Yeah, it's not supposed to be slick.
14:51That's part of the charm.
14:53He brought a beach chair to the DMV.
14:57He knows he's gonna be there all day!
15:00Classic Galumphs.
15:01All right, we'll leave you to it.
15:02Enjoy that article about Clinton's hemorrhoids.
15:04Hey, don't forget to bring me tomorrow's newspaper, too.
15:07Tomorrow?
15:08Yeah, I'm sure they'll have all the sections by then.
15:11I wanna know what these Galumphs get up to next.
15:14Yeah, me too.
15:15We're gonna need some help.
15:22All right, here's the headline for tomorrow's paper.
15:25Forty minutes on toilet equal to running two miles.
15:29Oh, this is terrific.
15:30Blair, how's the business section coming?
15:31I just finished a piece on gender-based pay discrepancy.
15:35Are you fucking crazy?
15:36I can't print this!
15:37It's all true.
15:38Women make 72 cents on the dollar.
15:40I don't give a shit about the truth.
15:41We're trying to keep Maddie alive.
15:43So, we're just gonna create a bubble around him
15:45where all he ever hears is news that reinforces his warped world view?
15:49Pretty much.
15:50Give me something I can use.
15:51Like, scientists prove women worse drivers.
15:54Or, tipping with change is more than enough.
15:57Why can't one of you guys do it?
15:59No, I'm working on a huge story.
16:01There's no reason to turn the heat on.
16:03And I still gotta figure out tomorrow's Galumphs.
16:05Okay, how about this?
16:06Gary Galumph tells his wife to get all gussied up for a fancy dinner,
16:10and then he takes her to the grocery store to fill up on free samples.
16:13I'm smiling, but I'm not laughing yet.
16:15Okay.
16:16Uh, is this anything?
16:17Gary Galumph is on the treadmill,
16:19and then we cut wider to reveal that he's on roller skates.
16:22Eh, they did something similar in yesterday's Wizard of Id.
16:25All right.
16:25Uh, Gladys Galumph becomes a health inspector
16:28for the city, and she finds a cockroach in the kitchen
16:31at one of the restaurants.
16:32And before she can shut the place down,
16:34the cockroach says,
16:35Excuse me, ma'am, I'm the owner.
16:36Yes, yes, yes.
16:38Draw, draw, draw, fuck, draw.
16:49Well, someone's feeling better.
16:51Look at this, look at this.
16:52Hillary Clinton spotted at urinal.
16:54I fucking knew it.
16:56Hey, Dad, did you see today's galumphs?
16:58Oh, the best one so far.
17:00I'll tell you, any time a dog wears sunglasses,
17:03you got my attention.
17:04I don't think I've ever seen you smile,
17:06but not quite laugh so much.
17:09Well, the world finally makes sense, Susan.
17:11O.J. got what he deserved.
17:12The socks are on a winning streak.
17:15You know, the only problem is the damn cable's still out.
17:18Fuck it.
17:18I'm gonna call him.
17:20See what's taking him so long.
17:21Oh, wait, uh, no, actually, you don't have to do that, because...
17:25they're coming by tomorrow.
17:27Finally!
17:30Sean, if we fix the cable, he's gonna find out about O.J.
17:33Well, what if we make our own noose?
17:35Huh?
17:35We got all that video equipment at school.
17:37We just need to find an actor.
17:40Sadly, we know one.
17:44Come in.
17:48What do you two want?
17:49Here's something you probably never heard before.
17:52We'd like to hire you again.
17:57Well, look, I'd love to help you out,
17:59but I have a strict rule against sequels.
18:01Oh, do you?
18:02Yeah, I do.
18:02I hate seeing actors like Harrison Ford, Pacino,
18:05guys not without talent,
18:06throwing it all away for a quick buck.
18:08This is not a level.
18:09This is something much simpler.
18:10Yeah, no, it's not like that.
18:11It's a new role.
18:12It's a newscaster.
18:13Go on.
18:15That's sort of it.
18:15Yeah, that's it.
18:16Yeah.
18:16Yeah.
18:17That's the role.
18:19Could this newscaster have a son in the hospital?
18:25Yeah, sure.
18:26I guess.
18:27That's why his job means so much to him.
18:29Watching the news is the only way his bedridden son
18:31can feel connected to the outside world,
18:33with the comforting face of his father as a beacon in the dark.
18:36Yeah, we don't really need to...
18:37You know what?
18:38I could play the son in a flash-forward.
18:40Yeah, we're not making a movie here.
18:42And I feel like we need to be daring.
18:43This newscaster's grappling with his own sexuality,
18:46and as a result,
18:47he's never been able to have an authentic moment with his son.
18:50And now it might be too late.
18:51Right.
18:52Because of the cancer.
18:54Oh, my God.
18:55I mean, this is how people win Oscars.
18:57Bingo.
18:57Hey, hey, hey, hey.
18:58The fuck are you doing?
18:59What?
19:00Don't encourage this.
19:01And the sex scene should be ambiguous.
19:03I mean, sex to him is a Rubicon.
19:05I want the sex scenes to raise questions,
19:07but provide no answers.
19:08Yeah, this is getting kind of...
19:09I'm willing to have sex on camera.
19:11Okay, look.
19:12There's also another role we need you to play.
19:14Dual roles?
19:15Oh, wow.
19:15I'm loving this.
19:16What's the other part?
19:17It's a cable guy who comes to the house to fix the cable.
19:21Could I, uh...
19:22Could I pitch you something?
19:23Sure.
19:24You ready?
19:25Yeah.
19:25He's retarded.
19:26No.
19:27Oh, yeah.
19:28No.
19:28He's full-blown.
19:29One wheel in the sand.
19:30Doesn't help us at all.
19:32Okay.
19:33Now, remember.
19:33Just put the tape in the VCR and pretend to fix the cable.
19:36Sure thing, Governor.
19:37I just moved here from El Blighty looking to start a new life.
19:40No, no, no, no.
19:41We talked about this.
19:42Just get in the fucking house.
19:47And no limps!
19:49Hey, Dad.
19:51Look who we just ran into out on the steps.
19:54It's the cable guy.
19:55Oh, it's about goddamn time.
19:57Can you fix the cable?
19:58Yeah, blood.
19:59I can fix the cable.
20:00No, no.
20:00Get the fuck to work.
20:04Anything, uh, good in the paper today?
20:07Kangaroos are fake.
20:08Fucking called it.
20:10What?
20:10No, they're not.
20:11Olivia Newton-John admitted it.
20:13Educate yourself, Blair.
20:16Fucking A.
20:17The world's finally getting good, and I'm stuck at home.
20:20Maybe I should go for a walk.
20:22No, no, no.
20:23Home is better.
20:24Okay.
20:25All finished.
20:26Wow.
20:26That was fast.
20:27Guess I'll go, uh, turn on the TV.
20:33Good evening.
20:34I'm Chad Farnsworth, and this is your world.
20:38Who the hell is this?
20:39I've never seen this guy before.
20:41He seems complicated.
20:42Our top story, O.J. Simpson is still behind bars,
20:46where reportedly he cries himself to sleep each night.
20:50Fucking yes!
20:51Asked if reopening Alcatraz is a little extreme,
20:54the California governor said,
20:56not for this monster.
20:57Amen!
20:58And now, let's check in with our weather girl,
21:01Haley Snowden.
21:02Haley, uh, what's the weather forecast
21:05for the weekend look like?
21:06Oh, not so good, Chad.
21:08Unless you're a duck.
21:11Good one, Haley.
21:13Uh, we're sleeping together.
21:15I can't keep my hands off her.
21:17Not even at work.
21:20Oh, yeah.
21:22Hmm.
21:23Oh, my gosh.
21:24I haven't felt like this since my wife died.
21:26Hmm.
21:27Ooh.
21:28Okay, that's enough of that.
21:33We're fucked.
21:34Dad's gonna be expecting another newscast tomorrow.
21:37Well, that's our life now, Johnny.
21:38Prepare on a daily paper and nightly news.
21:41We are a two-man media empire.
21:43Oh, and by the way, I fired Blair.
21:45She's suing us.
21:46Have you boys seen Matty?
21:48He's not in the bedroom and I can't find him anywhere.
21:50No.
21:55He's not in the garage or the basement.
21:57His coat's gone, but the car is still here.
22:00He must have gone for a walk.
22:02Oh, shit.
22:03He's out in the world.
22:04He could learn the truth and have another heart attack.
22:10Hey, how about those fucking fake kangaroos, huh?
22:13What?
22:28Excuse me, sir?
22:30Yeah?
22:30Sir, we're doing a man on the street interview for Channel 6 News.
22:33Would you be willing to give your opinion?
22:35Always.
22:35We're wondering how you feel about the OJ verdict.
22:39Oh, I love it.
22:40Makes me proud to be an American.
22:42Really?
22:43Absolutely.
22:43I would have done the exact same thing if I was on that jury.
22:47What about those who say the verdict was racially motivated?
22:50Bullshit.
22:51As far as I'm concerned, OJ's getting exactly what he deserves.
22:55Okay, well, thank you for your time.
22:57Hey, can you believe your weather lady's fucking the anchor?
23:08Hey, Matty.
23:09I haven't seen you in a few days.
23:10What you been up to?
23:11I had a heart attack.
23:13Yeah, I had to put a fucking stent in my artery.
23:15Oh, yeah?
23:16I got one of those.
23:17Yeah, mostly stent at this point.
23:19They give you last rites?
23:20No.
23:21Don't fucking bore me.
23:23Hey, how about that OJ verdict, huh?
23:26Don't remind me.
23:27I'm still pissed off about it.
23:29Why?
23:29But once they got it right.
23:31Are you shitting me?
23:32The whole thing was rigged.
23:34Well, maybe a little, but, you know, sometimes you gotta put your thumb on the scales of justice
23:38just to make sure things turn out fair.
23:40Justice?
23:41You know what you're fucking talking about.
23:43The hell I don't.
23:44Hey, hey, I got other customers here, huh?
23:46Yeah, you're right.
23:47We shouldn't be bickering.
23:49We sound like Gary and Gladys Galumph.
23:52Who?
23:54From the comic strip.
23:55Never heard of it.
23:56Never heard of it.
23:57It's in the paper every day.
23:58I think they put that stint in your fucking brain.
24:01The fucking galumphs.
24:03Jesus Christ, you know, oh, Gladys, my aching back.
24:06The galumphs.
24:06I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
24:08They're making a movie with Rosie O'Donnell.
24:10Oh, Matty.
24:11Thank God.
24:12There you are.
24:13Dad, we were looking all over for you.
24:14Honey, you gotta come home.
24:16You need your rest.
24:17I don't wanna go.
24:17I just got my beer.
24:18You gotta get him out of here, Susan.
24:20He's talking fucking crazy.
24:21Come on, Matty.
24:22He's fucking crazy.
24:23He's never heard of the fucking galumphs.
24:25There ain't no galumphs, asshole.
24:27You wouldn't know.
24:27You don't fucking read, you dumb fuck.
24:29I read Garfield like a regular fucking human being, fuck basically.
24:32Fuck Garfield and fuck you.
24:33You should've been a fucking blowjob, asshole.
24:35Why don't you go shit in another urinal, you drunk fuck?
24:38Get him out of here.
24:40Glad you're doing better, though.
24:49He's asleep.
24:50Well, that was a close fucking call.
24:52You guys, this is insane.
24:54We have to tell him the truth.
24:56It's too risky.
24:57Plus, I already started working on tomorrow's galumphs.
25:00Gary goes as himself for Halloween because of inflation.
25:02Ha!
25:03Maybe we should wait a little while longer until he gets his strength back.
25:07No, this is fucking crazy.
25:10He walked to trammels.
25:11That's the most exercise he's gotten in years.
25:13He's fine.
25:14He almost got in a fist bite over fucking Garfield and survived.
25:18But he's enjoying his new life.
25:20Please, Blair.
25:21All we have to do is lie to him forever and he'll be happy.
25:33Hello?
25:36I'm supposed to meet somebody here?
25:39Hello?
25:40I have some information you might want.
25:44Blair?
25:46Yes.
25:47What the fuck are we doing here?
25:49Do they know you're gone?
25:50No, I climbed out the bathroom window like the note said.
25:53What the fuck is going on?
25:54The rest of the family doesn't want you to see this, but I can't keep living a lie.
26:03What's this?
26:04Some kind of joke paper?
26:06No, Maddie.
26:07It's the real newspaper.
26:10O.J. is a free man.
26:13What?
26:14Read the rest.
26:18It says Cleveland swept the Red Sox out of the playoffs.
26:22Of course they lost.
26:23They're the Red Sox.
26:24You're fucking with me.
26:26Look at the funnies.
26:29The galumps!
26:31Where are the fucking galumps?
26:33There are no galumps, Maddie.
26:36But...
26:37But Hillary Clinton, her dick was real, right?
26:42No.
26:43She has a vagina.
26:44No.
27:01Hey, look.
27:02That's the guy from the news.
27:03Hey!
27:04Thanks for sticking out for O.J.
27:06What?
27:07You're the blackest white man in Boston!
27:11Oh, my God.
27:23Um...
27:23I'll call an ambulance.
27:25No.
27:27Let me die.
27:37Oh, Maddie.
27:39Thank God you're okay.
27:40I was so scared.
27:42I'm fine.
27:43I'm actually starting to get used to these heart attacks.
27:45Next one should be a breeze.
27:47Oh, you're not allowed to have any more heart attacks.
27:49We're gonna have a long life together.
27:53I love you, Maddie Bennett.
27:55I love you too, Susan.
27:57I'm sorry, Uncle Maddie.
27:59I thought telling you the truth was the right thing to do.
28:02I didn't realize you were so...
28:04entrenched.
28:06Anyways...
28:06Yeah, I'm sorry.
28:08No.
28:08It's all my fault.
28:09This whole thing started because I'm a freeloading fuck-up.
28:12Then I fucked it up even worse by tricking you.
28:15I don't blame you for being pissed.
28:17Are you kidding?
28:18I'm not pissed.
28:20I'm fucking impressed.
28:21What?
28:22Yeah.
28:23You made a whole newspaper every day for a week.
28:27Shit!
28:27It was some of the best sports writing I've read in years.
28:30And...
28:31And the news.
28:32Johnny.
28:32You created an entire world.
28:35A world I want to live in.
28:36Where the Red Sox don't suck.
28:39Where Madonna is dead.
28:40And where a white guy in America can finally get a fair shake.
28:45Could I get some morphine?
28:46Sure.
28:47I'll join you.
28:48Yeah.
28:48Yeah, it was a lie.
28:50But...
28:51It gave me something to believe in.
28:53And if you can do all that...
28:56I know you can do anything you set your mind to.
28:59Oh, it's kind of a two-man operation.
29:01So you don't think I'm a fuck-up?
29:02You got potential, Johnny.
29:05I'm proud of you.
29:08Thanks, Dad.
29:20Oh, man.
29:22It's just starting to hit me that high school's really over.
29:25Yeah, there's no denying it.
29:26You and I are now responsible adult members of society.
29:30Hand me that bong.
29:30We'll probably end up getting our own place soon.
29:33You think Mom will still come over to, like, do our laundry and clean up and shit?
29:37Abso-fucking-lutely not.
29:39She's right, Johnny.
29:40We're grown-ups now.
29:41We'll bring the laundry to Susan.
29:43I say we become industrial bigwigs with an office in the World Trade Center.
29:48Two offices.
29:49One in each tower.
29:50And a satellite office in the Pentagon for all those fat government contracts.
29:53And a summer home for vacations.
29:55I hear they got some great open land in Pennsylvania.
29:58Ah, nothing will stop us.
29:59I think you guys might need to lower your expectations a little bit.
30:03Oh, nuh-uh.
30:04You heard my dad.
30:05I can do anything I set my mind to.
30:07I can go to college, invent something.
30:09The sky's the limit.
30:10So, what are you gonna do?
30:23You sure this is what you want?
30:25Never been more sure of anything in my life.
30:29I'm gonna get totally ripped.
30:31You mean like a normal level of in-shape?
30:33No.
30:34Like really ripped.
30:36Like so muscular that people who love me are concerned.
30:39I support you in this endeavor.
30:41Let's go.
30:44And John did indeed get massively swollen.
30:48There was a seven year period where he never once wore a shirt.
30:52Eventually, he married a really cool girl.
30:55But they got divorced and he met another cool girl.
30:59You know what?
30:59There are two movies about it.
31:01Just watch them.
31:02Well, the first one.
31:03The second one has funny moments.
31:05Most of them are the first half.
31:06But even I can't sit still for the whole thing.
31:09Anyway.
31:10Here's the end credits.
31:17Oh, you've got a head full of someone dreadful.
31:22And yet, alas, that someone adores you.
31:27Everybody needs a best friend.
31:30I'm happy I'm yours.
31:33I'm just a clown.
31:36And I'll bring you down.
31:40But you just don't care cause you're...
31:46Best friend is me.
32:19Since then, yes.
32:19You don't just know why.
32:19When I get a法 right away,
32:20Even if you've Uzman.
32:20You know how come.
32:21No one Neptune.
32:21Hishusband must his wife.
32:21It's all been important.
32:21And they lay well.
32:21The key moments around the day.
32:22I did not fare the most försöky,
Comments