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00:00The following program contains mature subject matter and coarse language. Viewer discretion is advised.
00:05Glowy wants to be our official sponsor.
00:08Are you pitching that our podcast become an infomercial for Glowy?
00:11This treatment that we're plugging cures menopause.
00:13We cannot fake cure.
00:14Alleviates symptoms in 98% of the women who were tested.
00:18You gotta do this for me.
00:20It goes against everything, everything, Chris, that I stand for.
00:25We are now both fully in and ready to jump into those Glowy waters.
00:29Chief Medical Officer Dr. Shelley Filterblood were arrested earlier this afternoon on charges of corporate embezzlement.
00:35Oh, shit.
01:10Hello?
01:11Hey, sorry to bother you. I know you're busy.
01:13Oh, no, that's okay. That's okay. What's up?
01:14I'm just calling because Saffron's asking you to stay here another night.
01:18You know, actually, tonight doesn't work for me. There's still lasagna in the oven, so...
01:21I don't think so.
01:22You're making lasagna? She's already at dinner.
01:29Yeah. No.
01:30Okay, she asked if she could stay here again.
01:32I'm sorry.
01:35No, I want her to come home tonight.
01:37Okay, but Douglas has the car right now, so I can't drive her.
01:40Okay, stop.
01:42You tell Douglas that I'm just gonna come and get her, okay?
01:45No.
01:46The periodical cicada spends 99% of its life on the ground.
01:52I'm just resting my eyes. I wouldn't see anything.
01:54So beautiful.
01:56Okay.
01:56Are you crying, baby?
01:57I am, because, like, the little cicada, the little cicada, it doesn't know.
02:02Yeah.
02:03Living underground, not knowing anything, just living his little best bug life,
02:06and then one day, boom, it's thrust up into the world,
02:09and it's all soft and gooey.
02:11The only thing to keep him safe is his protective shell.
02:14And a tree to hang onto.
02:15He's got a tree.
02:16But things change, you know, Peter.
02:18They don't stay the same, and people make choices, people make mistakes.
02:21Oh, you're talking about work.
02:22How many of those gummies did you have, sweetie?
02:24And their hard shell has become their prison.
02:27You're not gonna go to prison, Julie, okay?
02:28The glowy thing's not even your fault.
02:30That little cicada doesn't know anything either.
02:32But yet, Peter, that cicada has the courage, the courage,
02:36to grow wings and fly away.
02:39Goodnight, Julie.
02:40So can I.
02:41They can too, little cicada.
02:48Mom?
02:49Hey, baby, go upstairs.
02:50Pack your bag, you're coming home.
02:51What?
02:52Go upstairs.
02:54Pack your bag, you live with me too.
02:55Already?
02:56I'm in my pajamas.
02:57I don't care that you're in your pajamas.
02:58Mom?
02:59You live with me too.
03:00Go get your bag.
03:01No, stop, are you okay?
03:02I'm fine, I'm fine.
03:03It's okay, it's okay.
03:04Mom?
03:04No, mom.
03:05It's okay, stop, stop, stop.
03:06Are you okay?
03:06Yeah, everything's fine.
03:08Everything's fine, sweetie.
03:09Okay.
03:10It's okay.
03:11You okay?
03:11I'm okay.
03:12Okay?
03:13Just breathe.
03:14Just breathe.
03:15Just breathe.
03:16You gotta breathe.
03:18Okay?
03:19There you go.
03:20There you go.
03:22Just breathe, okay?
03:24You okay?
03:24Just keep breathing.
03:25Okay.
03:25I want you to name three things that are brown for me, okay?
03:27Okay?
03:27Keep breathing.
03:28Okay.
03:30Dirt?
03:31Yeah?
03:35You're stupid.
03:36Wrong bagonias.
03:37Yeah?
03:38One more.
03:43Dog shit that Douglas forgot to pick up.
03:47Okay.
03:47Okay.
03:48There you go.
03:50Keep breathing.
03:51Keep breathing.
03:53Come on.
03:55I'm sorry.
03:56Oh, my God.
03:57You don't have to be sorry.
03:58Okay.
04:00Look, let's go inside.
04:01We'll just chill out and talk.
04:03She should stay here.
04:05Listen.
04:06I scared her.
04:12She should stay with you.
04:14She's okay, Chris.
04:16You are good.
04:18Here.
04:18Here.
04:19It's okay.
04:20Here.
04:20You give her this.
04:21She'll miss this.
04:23Okay.
04:24Tell her that I love her, okay?
04:26Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
04:28Shut your mouth off.
04:29No more words.
04:31Okay?
04:32I'm here.
04:43The Glowy scandal is blowing up.
04:45Our fans are furious.
04:46Yes.
04:46You know what?
04:47I think we need to get out in front of it.
04:49We need to issue a statement.
04:50Probably put it on the socials would be best.
04:51Yes.
04:52The Dealable Goals is cancelled.
04:53The show's done.
04:56I'm sorry, what?
04:57We just have to walk away from this.
04:58Well, just, uh, I got us into this.
05:00Oh, no, you didn't.
05:01You did.
05:02I understand what a shock this is.
05:04We are all affected.
05:05Clearly, Chris is taking it harder than everybody else.
05:08You're wearing pajama pants.
05:09It's just, I woke up late.
05:11This will blow over.
05:12You just need to be patient.
05:14And we will find something else for you both.
05:16Hell no.
05:16Sorry?
05:18Amanda, this show is my baby, okay?
05:22And this daddy is not letting his baby be tossed away in the trash.
05:27Shut up, Evan.
05:30I'm sorry.
05:32This can't be the end.
05:33Listen up, everybody.
05:34We've got some very exciting news.
05:37I'm sure you're all aware of our little glowy snafu.
05:40CEO Glynis Goodyear and her chief medical advisor, Dr. Felderblatt, have been arrested on charges of fraud and embezzlement.
05:46Whoa.
05:47Where was I?
05:48You were all up in your feelings because Chris took your sound booth hostage.
05:51Okay, sorry.
05:52That was all yesterday?
05:54In light of this, Small Achievable Goals will record their last episode today.
05:58Relax.
05:59Everybody just relax.
06:01Nobody's getting fired.
06:03We are just pivoting.
06:04Chris?
06:06You okay?
06:06We are going to swing the spotlight to Robin and Shayna's real-life cult story, It Actually Happened to Me.
06:13Congratulations.
06:13You are our new number one priority.
06:15Ah!
06:17Oh, this is an actual dream come true.
06:20You're serious.
06:21You're serious.
06:22You're serious.
06:22Okay.
06:24Wow!
06:26I'm so sorry.
06:27You can't dump our star podcast.
06:28Evan, I'm putting you in charge of the cult show.
06:32The show can't end like this.
06:34Just that Amanda says that it's done, so...
06:36I don't care what Amanda says.
06:37We gotta take the show back.
06:38I mean, you know what?
06:39I could just go in the booth and I could record the episode.
06:41I'll just say that it's my fault.
06:42No, you're not wearing this.
06:43What is wrong with you?
06:45We gotta fight for our show.
06:46We gotta come up with a plan.
06:47Oh, I know.
06:48We could sue Chloe.
06:50I don't think that I can because I did everything that Amanda asked.
06:54Do you think that maybe you could have my back for five minutes?
06:57I've had yours this whole time.
07:00I'm just trying to be honest, Julie.
07:01No, you're being a coward is what you're being.
07:04I'm a coward.
07:08Yep.
07:12I'm not giving up.
07:22Chris?
07:24What are you doing?
07:26Something.
07:28Sorry.
07:29The sink was clogged.
07:37I'm sorry, Chris.
07:38You can't just barge in like this.
07:40You have to make an appointment.
07:41I'm just still dealing with a lot of anxiety.
07:43I'm trying to fix it on my own.
07:45It's not working.
07:46So here I am.
07:47Why don't we try the anti-anxiety medication?
07:50Yeah.
07:50We'll just start with a few pills.
07:52See how we do.
07:52I just don't know if that's a long-term solution.
07:54Seems more like a band-aid.
07:55What I'm thinking is we could try HRT.
07:57That's something that I heard about.
07:59If you could give that to me just to try, I think maybe that would help.
08:02Are you still bleeding?
08:03Yeah.
08:04Then I don't think we're ready for HRT yet.
08:05Mm-hmm.
08:06I don't think that's a good idea.
08:08And until there's more research, I just don't feel quite comfortable.
08:11So why don't we start with the pills?
08:12And if those don't work, we can look at other solutions.
08:15Have you looked more into therapy?
08:16Still can't afford it.
08:16Got it.
08:17Sorry.
08:19How about someone close to you that you could talk to when you're struggling?
08:22A friend?
08:23A family member?
08:24What's your relationship with your mother like?
08:26She's dead.
08:27Sorry about that too.
08:28No, that's okay.
08:28I mean, it's not.
08:29I mean, it's fine now.
08:30How's your mom?
08:31She's getting there.
08:32To death?
08:32Slow march to the end.
08:36What a day.
08:37Did you come in here to yell at me?
08:39I've yelled at you enough in my head for one day.
08:41I call you bad names in my head all the time.
08:43That's fair.
08:45I know I have been a thorn in your side.
08:46End of the day, I'm a journalist.
08:48And I feel in my gut that our show isn't done yet.
08:52I have to distance myself from this glowy mess.
08:56You know what?
08:56I think I do have the energy to be angry with you.
08:58Yeah, here it comes.
08:59No.
09:00Julie, I want you to run the show.
09:02All Queen of Kings podcasts.
09:05What?
09:06Why do you seem so shocked?
09:07You're the obvious choice.
09:08You really do love surprises.
09:09Welcome to the big leagues, Julie.
09:11You'll have to make decisions that hurt people and make you feel like a dick.
09:14But I think you'll do great.
09:15I never thought you were a dick.
09:17Okay, I did think you were a dick, but I don't think you're a dick right now.
09:20In fact, I'm feeling quite warm towards you at the moment.
09:22Relax, Julie.
09:23I'm not giving you the company.
09:25I'm still gonna be your boss.
09:27Holy shit.
09:28Um, I will of course need some time to think about this.
09:32Perhaps talk to a lawyer.
09:33What's to think about?
09:35Isn't this all you ever wanted?
09:40Yeah.
09:42Yes.
09:43Yes.
09:46Can you shred that on your way out?
09:48Of course.
09:49No problem.
09:54Robin, get in here.
09:56You know, I soft-pitched this to a couple potential advertisers.
09:59They love it.
10:01I mean, who doesn't love a cult?
10:03Go cult!
10:04Woo!
10:05Woo!
10:06You okay?
10:07I can't do this.
10:08She made it all up.
10:09What?
10:09Sheena's story.
10:10It's all a lie.
10:12Beginning, middle, end, lies.
10:13Everything in between those parts.
10:15The daughters.
10:16The nebulas.
10:16Every single part of it is a lie.
10:18Nothing is...
10:19I don't even know what nebula is.
10:20Shh.
10:20Be quiet.
10:21Be quiet.
10:22You understand me?
10:24Shh.
10:25Now is not the time for truth.
10:26You heard what Amanda said.
10:27We are on our last light.
10:29The legacy of this company is in our hands.
10:31And if we kill this show, we may as well go out there and murder everyone in the office.
10:36Oh, no thank you.
10:38No.
10:40Do you want to murder her?
10:41Do you want that blood on your hands?
10:42Oh, these hands, they can't have blood.
10:45Congrats.
10:46You passed a good person test.
10:47Here's what we're gonna do.
10:48We are going to run Shayna's bullshit story.
10:51We are going to make sure that it actually happened to me.
10:54It's a massive hit.
10:56Do you understand me?
10:57Yeah, I'm with you.
10:58All rests on us.
11:01How many times have you forgotten your lunch?
11:03Mmm, I forget.
11:05Wow.
11:05We're gonna start keeping track.
11:07Yeah, okay.
11:08Uh, please, have a seat.
11:09Don't look at me, Mr. Important.
11:12I have something to ask you.
11:14I'm glad you're sitting.
11:15Will you be my branch?
11:17I'm sorry, what are you talking about?
11:18I think this is my cicada moment.
11:20Your cic...
11:21Oh, the nature doc from last night.
11:24I gotta be honest, you were tripping balls, so I had no idea what you were going on about.
11:27How do I sum this up quickly?
11:28The female cicada?
11:29She explodes out of her own back, right?
11:33Okay?
11:33Just...
11:34Sexy.
11:35And then she leaves her husk on the branch.
11:37Are you asking for a divorce?
11:38No.
11:38Pete, you are the branch, but also, you are my mate.
11:41You sing me songs, and we procreate.
11:43And then, eventually, we die.
11:46I'm confused.
11:48Amanda wants me to run this place.
11:50Babe, that's great.
11:51Also, I need my branch slash mate.
11:55What do you think?
11:58I say, I need to brush up on my cicada songs.
12:04No, it's...
12:04That's an elephant.
12:06What is a cicada, anyway?
12:07If you stayed awake, you would know it.
12:10I'll take some lessons.
12:12Saffron.
12:12Hello?
12:13Hey, Julie.
12:14I feel sorry to bug you, but do you know my mom has called her a bunch of times, and
12:18she's
12:18not picking up her phone.
12:19Okay, well, tell you what.
12:20I will track her down for you, and I'll call you right back, okay?
12:23Everything okay?
12:24Yeah, to Saffron.
12:25She can't, um, she can't find Chris.
12:30Well, she probably left it here when she went for lunch.
12:32Yeah, I guess.
12:34You know what?
12:36We kind of had a fight earlier, and I was a little too harsh.
12:39You know, I think I know where she might be.
12:41Come on.
12:41Okay.
12:42Yeah, let's go.
12:43Evan, Jamila, has either one of you seen Chris?
12:45No.
12:46No.
12:46No, you haven't.
12:47Okay, if she texts, will you call me?
12:49I'm gonna go look for her.
12:51Hey, I'm Pete.
12:52I'm Julie's husband.
12:53Hi.
12:55Hey, come on.
12:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:57So that's the husband.
12:58Good for her.
12:59Mm-hmm.
13:00It still works.
13:01I haven't here since Christmas.
13:03I don't know, Mom.
13:04Maybe that's where all the problems started.
13:06Because you named me after a winter holiday.
13:08Kris Kringle fine.
13:09Who's sleeping with that?
13:10I'll tell you who.
13:10A gay man.
13:11The doctor said I should, um, come and talk to you.
13:15And I am.
13:16Because I can't afford a therapist.
13:17Because you didn't leave me enough money.
13:18Because you spent it all on the goddamn bingo.
13:20Oh, yeah.
13:21Here we are again.
13:21Look at us.
13:22Back and forth.
13:24It's always so awkward with you, you know?
13:30Sorry.
13:37I just came here, Mom, because I wanted to ask you a question.
13:39And I was just wondering if it was, like, better being dead.
13:43It seems like it would be easier.
13:45Just, like, the hard part is getting there.
13:48You know when you're just going through a hard time,
13:53and you just want to disappear.
14:00And you fantasize about just taking a break, you know?
14:07And I sort of thought about, like, you know, maybe I do it at home.
14:11But then I just think that's a lot for those bats.
14:12And I thought, oh, I know where I'm going to do it.
14:14In the hallway in front of Becky's door.
14:16Because she screwed me over with the tap shoes.
14:18And I thought, oh, I can't do that.
14:19Because she's got those two cats, and who's going to be feeding those?
14:21And I thought, okay, where is less bothersome?
14:23And I went, oh, I know a hotel.
14:24That one's good.
14:26You know that top tip that you always gave me?
14:28Like, wear a nice underwear.
14:29Because you never know when you're going to get hit by a bus.
14:30That doesn't really hold up.
14:32Because we all know you'll crap yourself in the end.
14:33And I think, like, a really firm cotton is going to hold it better than, like, a little lacy thing.
14:38Because then you've got the cleaner coming in there.
14:40She's going to see all that mess.
14:41And I expect her to go home and feed her kids mashed potatoes.
14:43I do not think so.
14:44Because the thing is, Mom, what I learned about being a woman is that you're always the problem.
14:51You're just always the problem, even when you're doing everything you can to not be the problem.
14:57I miss you.
15:02Chris?
15:02What you doing?
15:03Hey, Julie.
15:09I'm just talking to my mom.
15:11How'd you know I'd be here?
15:12It's either here or Sephora.
15:13Hey, you want to be my mom?
15:15Marge, this is Julie.
15:15Julie, this is Marge.
15:16Hey, Marge.
15:17Big fan of your daughter?
15:18I think I rolled a dog shit.
15:20Smells like it, yes.
15:21Will you help me out?
15:22Yep.
15:23Oh, yeah.
15:24Let's clean you up.
15:27You're right, Julie.
15:27I'm a coward.
15:29I was angry.
15:31And as I've learned in stupid therapy, which is actually quite helpful, when I'm angry,
15:35I lash out and I say hurtful things.
15:37How much are you paying for that therapist?
15:38Because I got a dead Christmas tree back there with the same observational stress.
15:44You really scared me.
15:46I just didn't expect menopause to kick my ass so bad.
15:52Julie, this job, I don't know.
15:55It's okay.
15:56I know.
15:57It really got away from us.
15:58It really did.
15:59But I think we might have an opportunity to take it back and make it right.
16:03What do you mean?
16:04Well, Amanda is going to let me run things for a while.
16:09Oh, my God, Julie.
16:11Oh, my God.
16:14Julie, you're going to be the boss.
16:16I'm going to be the boss.
16:17Yeah.
16:18B-O-S-S.
16:20The boss.
16:20That's right.
16:21Everybody in here, give it up for Julie.
16:24I know your dad do what you can.
16:25Yeah, that's about the reaction the office had when I told them.
16:28Anyway, I was kind of thinking that, um, maybe we could, uh, do it together?
16:33Uh, well, listen, just hear me out.
16:35We have been so focused on what menopause is taking from us, okay?
16:39Let's reboot the show.
16:40It's time to start thinking about what it's giving us, you know?
16:42Like, make no apologies or excuses.
16:44Just, like, fuck it, you know?
16:46Maybe we even start looking at, like, what happens after menopause.
16:49Like, really get spiritual with it, you know?
16:51Yeah, why not?
16:52You know what you should do?
16:52You should go talk to my mother.
16:53She's great at conversation.
16:55Mmm.
16:56I was kind of thinking that maybe I would interview someone else.
17:02Who?
17:06Well, I wore a thong for a whole day backwards and didn't notice because I'm so used to being
17:11deeply uncomfortable.
17:12If it makes you feel any better, I didn't know there was a back or a front to those things.
17:15Thank you, Julie.
17:16Thank you for seeing me.
17:17Speaking of feeling seen, I'm not really sure how well I've been seeing you lately.
17:20I think that the irony of doing this show is we're talking about all this stuff in menopause
17:24and what other women are going through, but we haven't really been talking about us in
17:29an honest way.
17:32Well, Julie, I'm in perimenopause and I'm having a lot of anxiety.
17:40And it's drowning me.
17:44And that led to depression.
17:46And then that led to really bad thoughts.
17:48And I hid it from you.
17:50And I hid it from work.
17:52I hid it from my family.
17:53And I hid it because I'm scared.
17:58And I hid it because I was so ashamed.
18:04You have nothing to be ashamed of.
18:08I'm really sorry.
18:10How can I support you?
18:13I love you, Julie.
18:16And I gotta walk away.
18:20Julie, I gotta go.
18:23Hi, everyone.
18:24It's Chris here.
18:27With a K.
18:29And I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.
18:34I'm just out here advocating for menopause.
18:37I can't even take care of myself.
18:38Take all the time you need.
18:40We're not going anywhere.
18:41I've got everything under control.
18:42I mean, not a controlling amount of control.
18:44Just the right amount of control.
18:45I've been working.
18:45Julie, I'm out.
18:50No, no, no.
18:52Don't.
18:53I need you to tell me that you love me enough.
18:57I can walk away.
19:00Chris, you can walk away from the show.
19:04But I'm never letting you walk away from me.
19:07Okay?
19:15See ya.
19:17See ya.
19:17See ya.
19:21See ya.
19:22See ya.
19:23See ya.
19:37See ya.
19:44Change is difficult.
19:45Ugh.
19:46And the change is...
19:48It's the whole next level of difficulty.
19:51It can feel overwhelming.
19:53And what it does?
19:54Take a breath.
19:57And ask for what you need.
19:59And then, you know, maybe instead of getting beaten down by the waves of menopause,
20:03we can all learn to surf.
20:08Which brings me to my newest obsession, cicadas.
20:12Cicadas in many cultures are symbols of rebirth and transformation because they start
20:18as one thing and then, when the time is right, they become another.
20:22Shedding their old selves and becoming a new, more empowered one.
20:29It may feel to the cicada like they're alone, but they're not.
20:37There are millions of us out there busting out of our shells, growing wings, embracing
20:44our new voices and raising them in song.
20:49So, listeners, what do you want to sing about?
20:51Let us know in the comments and we'll...
20:56I'll read them out next week on our next episode of Small Achievable Goals.
21:05Bye.
21:10Bye.
21:31Can't be fond of living in the past
21:34Cause if you are then there's no way that you're gonna last
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