- 2 days ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:02This is me, Nicole Bradford. Cute, huh? This is my dad. And this is my dad. How'd I get two
00:08dads? They inherited me. Congratulations. It's a girl. Here's the judge who brought us together. She lives in our building.
00:15My building. I own it. She's gonna make sure we're one big happy family with one dad who's down to
00:21earth and one dad with his head in the clouds. I think we're father of the year.
00:30No matter what you do. You can count on me. No matter where you go. I'm standing by your side.
00:38I'll be right behind. No one loves you more than I do. Put your hands behind. You can count on
00:47me. No matter what you do. You can count on me. No matter where you go. You can count on
00:57me.
01:17Hey, hey, hey. Cut it out. Stop it. Just stop it. What? What? What? What? Don't what me, pal. And
01:23don't stand there whistling away, polishing your shoes. Tell me you're not getting dressed for a date on my night.
01:27I thought we had an agreement. We do. Look at my calendar. Can we agree that today is today? All
01:33right. Now, if today is today, then this is tonight. Right? Okay. What does it say right here?
01:39Michael's night. Ah. Michael's night. Michael's night. No deals, no concessions. What does it say right here?
01:50August.
01:51August.
01:53Look, I think we can work this out. No deals, no concessions. Hi, dads. Hello.
02:00Hey, ladies. Have a good time today? Yeah. We went to the Museum of Natural History. We traced the evolution
02:07of life over a period of 60 million years. That took 10 minutes.
02:13And then we went shopping. Look, the judge bought me these.
02:16Ooh, aren't they adorable? Hey, judge, don't these look adorable on her? I mean, wouldn't you in the bottom of
02:22your heart really just want to spend an evening with a girl who could look that adorable?
02:28Stuck for a babysitter?
02:30We pay three bucks an hour.
02:32Sorry, Michael. Much as I'd like to be of assistance, there comes a time when I must withdraw to the
02:37care of my own affairs and allow you two gentlemen to settle your own domestic conflicts. It's the only way
02:43you'll grow as parents.
02:46You got a date, too, huh?
02:50You got it, Slappy.
02:53Hey, how you doing?
02:54Thanks. Look, if you've both got dates, it's no problem. I can stay here by myself.
02:59No, no, no, no, no, no. We wouldn't feel right about leaving you home by yourself, because we'd worry.
03:04That's why Michael's going to cancel his date and stay home with you.
03:07Joey, come here.
03:09Listen, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity with Elizabeth Drake, a cultivated, intelligent, classy woman.
03:16Hey, I've got a once-in-a-lifetime date with Madeline Jordan.
03:19Oh, yeah, and she's currently appearing topless where?
03:24She's a college professor.
03:26Right, right.
03:27And next week, she'll be the milkmaid, and you could be the naughty stable boy.
03:33What are you guys talking about?
03:36Agriculture.
03:38Madeline happens to be a professor of botany.
03:41She's got a Ph.D. That outranks your MBA.
03:43Look, tonight is important to both of you, which is fine, because I have no plans, so you go out,
03:49and I'll stay here with me.
03:51No, no.
03:52Why not?
03:54Because you're 12.
03:55You think I'm a baby.
03:57Nick.
03:58What do you think I'm going to do?
03:59Stick my tongue in a light socket or drink bleach?
04:04Hey, Nicole, what if there's an emergency, huh?
04:07Look, I can actually reach the telephone.
04:11I can even pick it up and dial it.
04:16Honey, you are still a kid.
04:19That's it.
04:20I'm calling a babysitter.
04:22Thanks.
04:23I'll feel a whole lot better about this.
04:26Hello, Rebecca.
04:27Nicole.
04:28Are you free tonight?
04:30Good.
04:31Could you come over and babysit me?
04:35Yeah, good.
04:36Ask your parents if you can sleep over.
04:39Bring some potato chips.
04:41Yeah, bye.
04:42Is that Rebecca, your little friend Rebecca?
04:45She's your age?
04:46Yes.
04:47She's been babysitting for the past year.
04:50Veteran babysitter, just like me.
04:52We can watch each other.
04:53I mean, now you've got two babysitters.
04:55Stay out all weekend.
04:59You've babysat before for who?
05:02Mandy and whiskers and boots.
05:08Okay, they're cats, but I took care of them,
05:11and they're still alive, except for boots.
05:16All right, Nick, you made your point.
05:17Have your friend over and have a wonderful time, okay?
05:21Hold it just a second.
05:22Are you sure about this?
05:23He's sure.
05:24Why is he sure?
05:26Sure, because we're going to move our dates
05:27downstairs to Klowickie's.
05:30Downstairs, Klowickie's.
05:32Downstairs, greasy gum on top of the tables,
05:35because what the hell is the difference, Klowickie's?
05:38Joe, I've got reservations of four seasons.
05:40I've got tickets to a Broadway show.
05:42No, no, no.
05:43I got a calendar that says that you're going nowhere.
05:46Mm, mm, mm, mm.
05:51All right, Nicole, I'm going to be downstairs,
05:53and I'll be eating something at Klowickie's.
05:56Goodbye.
06:04This place is popping, huh?
06:05I've never seen this many people in here in my life.
06:08Must be suicide night.
06:11You relax.
06:12Come on, enjoy yourself.
06:14Enjoy myself.
06:16It's not bad enough I've got to bring the date of my life
06:18to the dive of the century,
06:20and then I've got to share the only available booth
06:23with you and a botanist.
06:27Joe, you and a botanist?
06:29Because she's hot.
06:34Joe.
06:34Because she thinks I'm hot.
06:38Hot botany.
06:40Only you, Joe.
06:42Michael, you and Miss Elizabeth?
06:44Because she's got class,
06:46and she thinks I've got class.
06:48An impression that will last right up to the moment
06:50that she discovers that, yes,
06:51our date begins here at Klowickie's Casa de Salmonella.
06:57Hey, this, uh, this class that she's got,
07:00that's, uh, that's another word for, like, cold, right?
07:05Sophisticated, Joe.
07:06See, unlike yourself, I've grown through the years.
07:09I can appreciate a woman like Elizabeth
07:11with whom I can look forward to an evening of conversation
07:14and a brandy on the veranda.
07:17That's all you want?
07:20That's all I'll get.
07:25Joe, where do you find these women?
07:28Relax, huh?
07:29Because this is a small booth
07:31with heat on one side and class on the other.
07:35Something's bound to give.
07:38What are you saying?
07:39Your date is gonna heat up my date?
07:43It's disgusting.
07:46What do I do?
07:53How's that chili?
07:55Oh.
07:57Mm-hmm.
07:59Does it make us all warm inside?
08:02Oh.
08:04My turn.
08:06Mm-hmm.
08:21No, I'll just stick with my chef's salad, thank you.
08:26Don't you dare lick those fingers, leave them for me.
08:34You know, Michael, I think perhaps we should call it an evening.
08:37We could go upstairs, we could wash our hands.
08:40Uh, no, uh, I'm sorry, but I don't think I care to go upstairs.
08:44Hey!
08:46I the one of you dashing caballeros.
08:49Want to buy a rose for your shop-looking senoritas?
08:52Oh, go away.
08:55How much?
08:56Six bucks.
08:59Let me ask you something.
09:01How do you get a figure like that?
09:02What is it, cost plus 9,000%?
09:06We'll take one.
09:07Why?
09:10Rosa multiflora.
09:12Japanese variety.
09:14Small blossoms.
09:16Oh, lovely fragrance.
09:19Uh, Madeline's a botanist.
09:20Oh, really?
09:21That sounds fascinating.
09:23Oh, it is fascinating.
09:25Why don't you let her tell you about it?
09:27Oh, I don't want to bore everyone with what I do.
09:30No, no, you wouldn't be boring them.
09:32Oh.
09:34This afternoon, I went to check on my roses.
09:37And when I opened the greenhouse door,
09:39this wave of hot, wet air wafted over.
09:43And around me, moistening my clothes so that they clung to my body.
09:48The air was redolent with the fragrances of gardenias, magnolias, camellias.
09:54So lush, it made me dizzy.
09:55And as I leaned to catch my breath, I saw him.
10:01A single bee, drunk with a heady elixir of so many available ripening blossoms.
10:11I was there alone.
10:13And there was something about this bee, wandering from maiden to maiden like a satyr.
10:22Small, winged Ulysses, circling the beckoning petals, and then, no longer able to control his buzzing frenzy,
10:30he dives into the wading blossom, drinking deeply until, completely spent,
10:40he falls back on a trembling leaf.
10:45Oh.
10:48And sleeps.
11:01I'll have some chili now, Michael.
11:11Joe?
11:13Joe?
11:17I love you.
11:18What an evening.
11:18This is, I owe you.
11:20Give me the six bucks for the rose.
11:22Get lost.
11:36Nicole.
11:37Sweetheart.
11:39Can I just have one word with you?
11:42And, uh, that word would be what?
11:48Um, well, see, remember we invited Rebecca?
11:51Well, see, Courtney and Nina found out, and then everybody else found out, so we made it
11:55a pajama party, and it's okay with everybody's parents, and I knew it would be okay with you,
11:58because we're all watching each other.
11:59I'm Nicole.
12:01I'm Elizabeth.
12:02I'm Madeline.
12:03Want to meet my friends?
12:04Yeah.
12:05Yeah.
12:05Come on.
12:08It's a pajama party, Joe.
12:12And it's not ours.
12:27This close.
12:28I was this close to the perfect evening with the perfect woman.
12:33I guess the relationship here just, uh, wasn't meant to be.
12:36Yes, I was meant to grow old alone.
12:40Maybe someday you and Nicole could visit me in the home for the old and alone.
12:48Give them a couple minutes.
12:49They're not going to talk to a bunch of little girls all night.
12:51So what are we playing?
12:53It's a game Rachel made up.
12:54It's got a zillion rules, okay?
12:58It's got a zillion rules, Joe.
13:03Well, don't panic, because I got a shirt.
13:06Oh, good news, because for a second there I thought this was all lost, but now you're
13:08telling me you have a shirt.
13:11No, I got this shirt that Madeline gave me because she thinks I look great in it.
13:15Heh, get it?
13:17Ah, I get it.
13:18Sure.
13:19You put on the shirt, she sees you, boom, the greenhouse effect.
13:24Now, then you two leave, and I spend my evening learning the zillion rules?
13:28No, no, I don't think so, Joe.
13:30Hey, what do you want me to do?
13:31I want you to stay here and grow old and miserable with me.
13:34You said you owe me.
13:36This is my night.
13:37Now, I'm collecting, I don't know, I'm collecting my date, okay?
13:41Now, you're staying, I'm leaving.
13:44You promise to feel really guilty?
13:48Oh, absolutely.
13:49Whatever, put on the shirt, put on the shirt.
13:51So then, in the cafeteria, he smiled at me?
13:56No.
13:57He stuffed a whole bagel into his mouth.
13:59It kind of looked like a smile.
14:01See, the point is that he meant it just for me, and I know that if...
14:17What kind of bagel was it?
14:22Um, Michael, come here.
14:25Come on.
14:28I don't know what happened.
14:29The topic was bagels.
14:30I kept it going.
14:31Michael.
14:32Michael, they're girls.
14:33They're talking, you know, girl talk.
14:35I see.
14:37So I violated some pre-teen code.
14:39I'll go sit in the corner.
14:41Can you sit with me?
14:43So, like, when you kiss Joey, do you keep your eyes open?
14:46I would.
14:47He is so cute.
14:51Rose!
14:52He don't think he's cute?
14:54He's my dad.
14:56Jeez.
14:57I think he's cute.
14:59Me too.
15:00He's your boyfriend.
15:01He's special.
15:02Well, he's one of my boyfriends.
15:08Well, Joey thinks you're special.
15:12He said so.
15:14That's so sweet.
15:16Tell us about some of the other guys.
15:19Yeah.
15:20No, no.
15:22I don't want to take over the party.
15:24Well, there's this one guy.
15:28He's a hockey player.
15:30Whoa!
15:34Sweetie, are you upset by what Madeline just said?
15:37No.
15:39Yes.
15:40Throw her out.
15:42What?
15:43I mean, what's she hanging around for?
15:45Joey's nothing special.
15:46It's just some guy she dates.
15:48Sweetheart, I don't think I have a solid reason to just take Joey's date and toss her out the door.
15:54She's traumatizing your daughter in front of all my friends.
15:57That's not a solid reason?
15:59Listen, this is a lady you've never met before in your life, right?
16:03She says Joey's not special and you believe her?
16:05What, is she an expert?
16:06Does she have a PhD in Joey?
16:10Well, she dates him.
16:12She has to know him a little.
16:13Yeah, but you live with him.
16:14You know him a lot.
16:15That's what you think that counts.
16:17I think he's great.
16:19Well, there you go.
16:20But what about you?
16:22What do you mean?
16:26You live with him also.
16:27Hey, I think he's darn near swell.
16:37That was really nice.
16:39Hey, she makes me look good.
16:41She makes you look real good.
16:49Go B-12.
16:52Wasn't there something adult going on on this side of the room?
16:55What's it like to kiss a boy?
16:58You don't know?
16:59Oh, a pretty girl like you, what are you waiting for?
17:03You just pick one with pretty eyes and you make yourself kissable.
17:07Hey, Madeline, maybe...
17:11Maybe little girls don't really need to be kissable just yet, you know?
17:15Oh, Michael, loosen up.
17:18The main thing you have to do is find out what boys like.
17:21Joey!
17:25I lost the button.
17:27You won't need it.
17:30So the whole idea is to look like you're not interested, but let them know you are.
17:36That's what sexy is all about.
17:40Madeline, no sexy, okay?
17:41Can we just change the subject?
17:43Are you an artist like Joey?
17:44I study plants.
17:46Joe!
17:48Sounds boring.
17:49Oh, no.
17:51It's stimulating.
17:53When I open the door to the greenhouse, and it's all warm and damp inside.
17:58Oh, oh, I just remembered something.
18:01What?
18:02Can't get out.
18:02Oh, what?
18:04Michael, what are you doing?
18:06Where are we going?
18:06I don't want you telling my daughter what boys like.
18:10I don't want you telling her what bees like, okay?
18:12She'll learn about that in good time from me when she's 40.
18:17Are you throwing me out?
18:19You know, I can hardly believe it myself.
18:25Nicole, this is so great.
18:28It's like living in Knott's Landing.
18:30Ready or not, here I come.
18:32Stay tuned.
18:41One and all.
18:47Are we, like, missing someone here?
18:49Where's Madeline?
18:55Joe, come here.
18:57Now, let me ask you something.
19:00In all the years that we've known each other, have I ever said anything rotten about any of
19:04your girlfriends?
19:05Yeah, you said rotten things about every one of them.
19:07Well, then this will come as no surprise to you.
19:11The botanist is the rottenest.
19:16You should have heard what she was teaching these kids, Joe.
19:18Where is Madeline?
19:19Nicole was there.
19:19She was listening.
19:20Where is she?
19:21He threw her out.
19:23What?
19:24He threw out your date.
19:31Go bake brownies, huh?
19:33Put on colorful hats, okay?
19:36You threw Madeline out.
19:37She was teaching Lolita class, Joe.
19:39She was back in the greenhouse.
19:42What are you complaining about?
19:44Minute ago, you didn't care down at Klawicki's.
19:46I mean, when my date was heating up your date.
19:49Wait, wait a minute, wait.
19:51His date was supposed to get me to come up here?
19:54You planned this?
19:56No, no, no, no plan.
19:57It was just, it was pure luck.
20:00You're a pig, Michael.
20:01Good night.
20:03Good night.
20:08Thank you, Joe.
20:09What was that?
20:10What, was that your unique brand of retribution?
20:13Hey, you threw Madeline out.
20:15I threw out a corrupter of young minds.
20:17You threw out an innocent woman.
20:19Your woman walked.
20:20Well, your shirt's stupid.
20:25Are you going to throw anyone else out?
20:27Yeah, throw me out.
20:28Then me.
20:31Uh, I think we should just throw ourselves out, Joe.
20:34Dads, dads, you're popular with my friends.
20:36They love you.
20:37You guys are killing them.
20:40They love us, Joe.
20:42All right, well, good night.
20:45You all go to bed.
20:46Aww.
20:48They hate you now.
20:51Well, that's the theme for the evening.
20:53Let's go, everybody.
20:54Lights out.
20:55We're not tired.
20:56Tell us a story.
20:57All right.
20:59Once upon a time, there were two bears who both had dates, even though it was one bear's
21:06night, and the other bear's supposed to stay home and watch Goldilocks.
21:10That's me.
21:13So, the two bears had a stupid dinner at stupid Klawickies, and the first bear said,
21:20my porridge is real hot, and your porridge is real cold, so why don't we warm your porridge
21:25up with my porridge?
21:27Which was a stupid idea then, and it's a stupid idea now.
21:29But was working at the time, thank you.
21:32You said the other bear.
21:35So, the moral to the story is, um...
21:38You don't throw the other bear's porridge out when he's changing his shirt.
21:44No, the moral to the story is, we're Papa Bear's now, and Goldilocks lives with us.
21:51So, from now on, when we bring porridge home, it can't be real hot, and it can't be real
22:00cold.
22:00It has to be just right.
22:03The end.
22:05That's the worst story I ever heard.
22:08Good night.
22:11Actually, that's probably one of the best stories you ever told.
22:16Where's my daughter's face?
22:17I want to kiss her good night.
22:19Here.
22:19Here.
22:20Here.
22:20Here.
22:24I'm over here, Dad.
22:26Good night, Nick.
22:28So good.
22:30Hey, sweet dreams, Goldilocks.
22:33You too, Papa Bear.
22:38So, you're not mad at me anymore, are you?
22:41Yeah, I'm mad at you.
22:43You ruined my night.
22:45You threw out my date.
22:47It's the last I'm gonna see of her.
22:50And you were right to do it.
22:53So maybe from now on, we should just be a little more careful about who we let into the
22:58cave.
22:59Yeah.
23:01Tell me something, Michael.
23:03Is anybody ever gonna be sleeping in my bed?
23:06Not tomorrow.
23:07It's my night.
23:08It's my night.
23:09Yeah.
Comments