- 13 hours ago
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01:00I've had a lot of work done.
01:01Doors.
01:02This show is perfect for people that enjoy laughing.
01:05It's also good for people who don't like laughing,
01:07so really, we've got all the bases covered.
01:09And I'll be watching all the action unfold in here,
01:11the control room.
01:13And because I accidentally locked her in
01:15at the end of the last series,
01:16here to watch with me is my good friend,
01:17Roisin Carter.
01:19Thank God you're back.
01:20It's been ages guarding the fort with no-one in here.
01:24All right, so you're my deputy here to help me spot laughs
01:26and ensure fair play.
01:27I won't let you down.
01:29Okay.
01:30Glad you're taking it seriously.
01:32Okay, over there is what they're playing for,
01:34the last one laughing trophy.
01:36I think you can agree.
01:37That would look great in a cardboard box
01:38in anyone's garage.
01:40Are you excited?
01:41I'm so excited.
01:43Right, come on, let's do this.
01:44It's time to meet our first player.
01:45It's Romesh Ranganathan.
01:47Yes.
01:48Absolutely brilliant.
01:50Romesh, of course, used to be a schoolteacher,
01:52so he's no stranger to looking at people
01:54and being met with blank, indifferent faces.
01:59Well, I'm number one, so...
02:02I mean, I'm really tempted not to put anyone else in.
02:06This looks nice.
02:08My experience of people not laughing at me in the past
02:11has been the first five years of my stand-up career,
02:13and it was horrific.
02:14Now, the comedians don't know who they're up against,
02:17and we've got some competition.
02:20Next in, Diane Morgan.
02:23Legend, deadpan genius.
02:25Star of Motherland, Afterlife,
02:27and perhaps best known as the permanently baffled Philomena Kunk.
02:33PHONE RINGS
02:34Ah!
02:37Hello, mate.
02:38Hello.
02:38How are you? You all right?
02:39Yeah, good, mate.
02:40I think people falling over makes me life a lot,
02:44especially if they hurt themselves,
02:46and especially if they're old.
02:48Oh, look, I've got flying saucers.
02:49I love a flying saucer.
02:51Yeah.
02:51Is sugar a good idea in this?
02:53Yeah, why not?
02:54Because then you're going to get, like, a bit hyper,
02:55and then, like, you might get giggly, mightn't you?
02:56No, don't be daft.
02:58OK, next up, comedy genius David Mitchell.
03:01Oh, my God.
03:02I know David socially, and genuinely,
03:04I'm most excited about seeing him try and make small talk.
03:07HE LAUGHS
03:10Ah!
03:12Hello.
03:13Hello.
03:13It's quite frightening, isn't it?
03:15Yeah.
03:16Hello, nice to see you.
03:17How are you?
03:17Thank you. I'm very well.
03:19Yeah, this is...
03:20This is interesting, isn't it?
03:22Yeah.
03:22The lockers are through there.
03:24I forgot to pack anything.
03:26It's good to have something in case you want to carry something.
03:29Yeah, exactly.
03:29In case I want to steal a moped.
03:32My game plan would be to try not to smile or laugh.
03:37I don't think I can break it down more than that.
03:40Right, next in, it's Mel Gedroych.
03:42I've never seen her not smiling.
03:44She's wonderful.
03:45Fake.
03:46Mel's rucksack is something.
03:48I think she might be going into railing.
03:50HE LAUGHS
03:51Right.
03:52Oh!
03:56Oh, no.
03:58Oh, no.
04:00This is very problematic.
04:01Mm.
04:02I feel a combination of almost toxic levels of competitiveness
04:08with a zero amount of chance.
04:11What locker number's yours?
04:13Why?
04:13I'm making boring conversation.
04:15I think it'll help.
04:16What number's yours?
04:17I'm four.
04:17Three.
04:18I'm four.
04:19And the next person that comes in...
04:20It's going to be five.
04:21We'll be five.
04:22Next up, Amy Gledil.
04:23Oh, I saw her show at Soho Theatre.
04:26Phenomenal.
04:26Great up-and-coming comedian.
04:31Oh!
04:31Hello.
04:32Hello.
04:33Hi, Amy.
04:35Hello!
04:36Shall we?
04:37How dare we?
04:38Oh, hello.
04:39How are you doing?
04:40So good to see you.
04:41It's nice to see you.
04:42Um, is the system not that you should have put yours in the locker before anyone came in?
04:46Yeah, it is now.
04:47Is it through here?
04:48Well, you can go together, Connie.
04:48Shall we go together?
04:49Can I come in, Steve?
04:50Don't say anything too interesting while we're out of the room.
04:52No, there's no danger of that.
04:53Am I allowed to laugh in this bit?
04:56Okay, great.
04:58Join me.
04:59Let's get in.
05:00Shall we get in?
05:00I'll take top bump.
05:02You get in to yours.
05:03I'm in.
05:04Amy and Mel, what are they up to?
05:05It really has a school trip vibe to it.
05:07Oh, so good.
05:09Nice, isn't it?
05:10Yeah, it's lovely.
05:11Okay, next in, my identical twin brother.
05:13It's Alan Carr.
05:14I love Alan Carr, but he's going out in two seconds.
05:19If Alan smiles, we are going to know about it.
05:25Holy shit!
05:27Oh, my days.
05:30Oh.
05:31I cannot keep a straight face.
05:33I can't stop giggling.
05:35I'm going to be out first.
05:37This is madness.
05:39I don't know why I'm here.
05:40And I'm going to tell you this.
05:41Based on your entrance, I think you're going to smash this.
05:44I don't know what to say.
05:46This is the worst casting ever, isn't it?
05:48What are we going to do?
05:50Okay, next in, we've got Bemi Sola Ikumelo.
05:53She's the writer and star of BBC One sitcom Black Ops
05:56and a double BAFTA winner.
05:58She's a star.
05:59Two BAFTAs obviously sounds impressive,
06:01but it's only two more than me.
06:04Oh, my God!
06:05Hello!
06:06Hello!
06:06Oh, my God!
06:07Oh, my God!
06:09Hi!
06:09Hi, Bemi!
06:10Am I good with keeping a straight face?
06:13I kind of oscillate between resting bitch face
06:16and, like, laughing like a hyena,
06:18so it's anyone's guess.
06:20Next up, it's Sam Campbell.
06:22Oh, God!
06:23He would break me almost instantly.
06:25Is it just straight there?
06:26Now, Sam is Australian, but he lives in the UK,
06:28and he's hilarious, so we're claiming him.
06:30I can't wait for this experience.
06:32Oh.
06:33Who's next?
06:35Oh!
06:36Hello, Sam!
06:37Sam, hello, mate.
06:38How have you been?
06:39I've been very good.
06:40How have you been?
06:41Good to see you.
06:41Really well.
06:41You have a very impressive resume.
06:43When I go into the house,
06:45I have one objective,
06:46and that is to find love.
06:48I hope to receive the rose,
06:49and I hope to be the recipient
06:51of True Love's first kiss.
06:53Two, four, six, eight, two more to come.
06:56You've got real competitive people in here
06:58who want to win.
06:59OK, let's go.
07:00Next in, it's Maisie Adam.
07:02Oh, love Maisie.
07:04Maisie's a huge football fan,
07:05so if you see me give her a red card,
07:07she's either laughed...
07:08It's my first day of school.
07:10...or she's two-footed David Mitchell.
07:12Hey!
07:13Oh!
07:14Oh, my God!
07:15Maisie!
07:16Hello, mate.
07:17How are you?
07:18Yeah, I'm all right.
07:18Oh, my God, thank you.
07:21I don't think she's deadpaned down,
07:23but I think she's a big laugher.
07:26I'm so fucked.
07:29This is going to be a disaster.
07:31And finally,
07:31and you are going to love this, Roisin,
07:33the defending champion is going back in.
07:35It's Bob Mortimer.
07:36You brought Bob Mortimer back!
07:39I apologise,
07:40but I'm back to defend my title,
07:43and I intend to do it thoroughly.
07:46They don't know Bob's going back in,
07:48obviously,
07:48so let's see their faces.
07:53Oh, no!
07:56Oh, no!
07:57What?
07:57Look at you, Roisin!
07:58No, no!
07:58How long were I going to say hello?
08:00I am tired.
08:01Look at Romesh,
08:02knowing what...
08:02Oh!
08:05When the others see that I've come back,
08:08I hope they'll be pleased,
08:10you know,
08:10that I haven't died in the meantime.
08:12I'm still around.
08:13Is this a trick?
08:15This is a trick, right?
08:16Not fair.
08:16Oh, here I am.
08:16Not fair.
08:17I can't believe Bob's back.
08:22Hello.
08:22No, my darling.
08:24It's a little disaster.
08:25Oh, my trick tonight.
08:28No!
08:29What a twist.
08:30I mean,
08:30that was up there
08:31with Shawshank Redemption
08:33and, you know,
08:34Planet of the Apes
08:35when it comes to twists.
08:37I haven't seen you for ages.
08:38I know.
08:38It's so good to see you.
08:40I mean,
08:40I'd love to see you
08:41in different circumstances,
08:42but it's bloody wicked
08:43to see you, man.
08:44Well, this is going to be fun.
08:45I mean, for us.
08:46For them,
08:46it's going to be
08:47an absolute nightmare.
08:49Doors.
08:50Oh, hello.
08:52Hello, Sayers.
08:53You've got enough.
08:54Gather round.
08:55Take a seat, everyone.
08:56Bob in again?
08:57Yeah.
08:57That's surely not allowed, Jimmy.
08:59Come on.
08:59It's not fair.
09:00What do you mean it's not allowed?
09:01We do.
09:02Please take a seat.
09:02I thought there was still
09:03someone to come
09:04and then I realised
09:05I wasn't counting myself.
09:07OK, here are the rules.
09:09Remember at school
09:10when you got told off
09:11for laughing?
09:11Yeah.
09:12It's that.
09:12I don't remember that.
09:15For the next six hours,
09:16you have to try
09:17and make each other laugh
09:18whilst not laughing yourselves.
09:20If you smile or laugh once,
09:22you get a yellow card.
09:24OK?
09:25Lovely.
09:26Second laugh or smile,
09:27you're out
09:28and you have to come
09:29and watch with me
09:30and my deputy,
09:31Roisin Conaty,
09:32in the control room.
09:33Oh.
09:34No one wants that.
09:35The game will start
09:36when you hear this noise.
09:46Oh, Maisie, come on.
09:48Maisie.
09:48Get it together, man.
09:49I'll just go sit with you now,
09:51I think.
09:52Jimmy, could I just ask?
09:54I know you don't want me to,
09:55but, like,
09:55do you have to see teeth
09:57for it to be a smile?
09:58I think you do have to see teeth.
10:00You have to see teeth.
10:00I think a smirk...
10:02That's OK.
10:02I don't smile with teeth, generally.
10:04You don't smile with teeth.
10:05I go,
10:06is a smirk
10:07a sort of snide thing?
10:09Why are you even asking?
10:11It's not even like
10:11you're competing in this.
10:12You're going to be the first out
10:13and you know that.
10:14Fair dues, yeah.
10:15So when you hear that noise,
10:17there's no laughing
10:17or smiling
10:18from that point on,
10:19but when you hear this noise...
10:23That's bad, isn't it?
10:24That means we have spotted a laugh.
10:26The game is paused.
10:27You can laugh as much as you want
10:28after you hear that
10:29until the game starts again.
10:31Sorry, another question...
10:32Oh, my God, Mel.
10:33Mel, who I can only presume
10:35doesn't get enough attention at home.
10:36Go on.
10:37No, no, genuinely,
10:37the red light means red card.
10:39Is there then a yellow light,
10:40which means a yellow card?
10:42No!
10:43Red light doesn't mean red card,
10:45it just means the game's paused.
10:46Could be a yellow card.
10:48It's red or yellow.
10:49Some disciplinary action will ensue.
10:52Some housekeeping.
10:54When the bell rings,
10:55please gather on these sofas.
10:56If someone plays their joker,
10:58you have to watch them.
10:59There might be a few surprises
11:00along the way.
11:01I reserve the right
11:02to change the rules
11:03as and when I see fit
11:05because that is the kind of guy I am.
11:07Bob, as our reigning champion,
11:08do you have any tips
11:09for your fellow players?
11:10Yeah, get a safety face.
11:12A safety face.
11:13What's your safety face?
11:14I'm going to go
11:14on under that.
11:16Oh, you can't see.
11:17You have to have one.
11:19Yeah, but that's mad.
11:20Not mad, though.
11:21The last player remaining
11:22is the winner
11:22and they'll receive
11:23the coveted
11:24last one laughing trophy.
11:26Does everyone understand the rules?
11:27Yes.
11:28Yeah.
11:28Yes.
11:29OK, I'm going to go back
11:29in the control room
11:30and start the game.
11:31Good luck, everyone.
11:32Cheers.
11:33Thanks so much.
11:34Thanks, Jimmy.
11:34Bye, Jimmy.
11:35Right, laugh loads now.
11:36I might go out first.
11:38And I like laughing.
11:41They are a lot.
11:44Right, time to start the game.
11:45Last one laughing wins.
11:48Oh, no.
11:56That's mental, that noise.
11:57It is, isn't it?
12:06I immediately need
12:07to go to the toilet.
12:08Mm.
12:09Really?
12:09Yeah.
12:10Do you think that's
12:10a nerve-induced thing?
12:11I think it must be, yeah.
12:13OK, Bob's up.
12:13Off to make a cup of tea.
12:15Where are you going, Maisie?
12:16Going to go and have
12:17a bit of fruit.
12:18Maybe a little apple.
12:19That's absolutely ridiculous.
12:21That face.
12:22Can't do it.
12:23My game plan is
12:25I'm just going to avoid everyone.
12:27I'm just going to have
12:28to be rude and just say
12:29enough.
12:31Feel a bit sort of
12:32smiley in a hysterical way
12:33that's incredibly unhelpful.
12:35Yeah.
12:35No joy to it.
12:36Yes, I know what you mean.
12:38Real joyless.
12:40That's how I imagine
12:40David Mitchell's at all parties,
12:42just walking around like that.
12:44Hands behind his back
12:45like a sea captain
12:46from a bygone age.
12:48What have you got
12:49to get used to the idea
12:51of not laughing?
12:52Hmm.
12:52It's going to take me
12:53about five and a half hours.
12:55To climb at times.
12:59Excuse me.
13:06Alan Carr.
13:07Look at him.
13:08Look at him.
13:10He's going to be here
13:11in seconds.
13:14All my teeth back here
13:16are basically false.
13:17Really?
13:18Hmm.
13:18I was getting implants.
13:19Why?
13:20What did you do?
13:20I was scared of the dentist.
13:22I was like getting
13:24like a wisdom teeth extraction.
13:26And so I was like
13:26lying back like that.
13:28And then like
13:29they put this thing in
13:29and then suddenly
13:30the dentist just went
13:31oh shit!
13:31Oh shit!
13:32And then I thought
13:32oh my god he's seen
13:33something in my mouth
13:34that he's never seen before.
13:35And he was like terrified.
13:36He's like oh my god
13:37oh my god I can't deal with it.
13:38And eventually I thought
13:39let me just find out
13:39what's going on.
13:40I sat up.
13:41Next to my head
13:42there was a pigeon.
13:44Inside it flown in.
13:45It had flown in
13:46through the roof tiles
13:47and landed on the
13:47instruments next to me.
13:49And he was scared of birds.
13:50He said to me
13:51can you deal with it?
13:51I said I think
13:52I've got enough
13:52going on here mate
13:53to be honest with you.
13:58Get better at this
13:59Benny.
14:01Hello everyone.
14:02It's time for an icebreaker.
14:04A chance for you all
14:05to get to know each other
14:06a little bit better.
14:07I want you all
14:07to stand in a circle
14:08and hold hands.
14:11Oh no.
14:13Oh god.
14:14Touching.
14:16Now you must each
14:17take it in turns
14:18to tell us a fact
14:19about yourself.
14:20It can be absolutely
14:21anything.
14:22Mel.
14:23Please start us off.
14:24We're breaking the ice.
14:29I was born with
14:30a second arsehole
14:31but my twin sister
14:32doesn't like me
14:33calling her that.
14:36I'd say that fact
14:38is bordering on a joke.
14:39It's an aggressive move.
14:41It's a great joke.
14:43I may have been
14:45stalking at least
14:46one of you
14:46for the last ten years.
14:50Like what you've done
14:51with your loft
14:51Diane.
14:53It's beautiful.
14:56So weird.
14:57What's going on here?
14:58I'm just nervous.
14:59I'm putting a bit
15:00of movement into it.
15:01Stop tickling me Mel.
15:02Stop tickling Mel please.
15:04My name is Robert
15:05and my go-to adhesive
15:07is PVA.
15:13I had my first
15:15threesome this year.
15:16Oh well done.
15:17Thanks Mersey.
15:18It was lovely.
15:20It was really exciting.
15:21I was nervous about it.
15:22I didn't enjoy it as much.
15:24No you weren't into it.
15:25No.
15:26As much.
15:27Alan was good.
15:28Thank you for that Alan.
15:29That's four people now.
15:31Yeah you've named four.
15:32Have I?
15:33You, Mel, Rom and Al.
15:34There was someone on the bench.
15:35They've self-named.
15:36Oh you subbed in and out.
15:37There was a sub.
15:38Rom was filming it.
15:39Got splinters from that bench
15:40though but I was grateful
15:41to get in.
15:43How many minutes
15:44did you get?
15:44I took myself off
15:46after 90 seconds.
15:46You what yourself off?
15:47Oh no no no no no no no.
15:49Dangerous prepositions.
15:50Anything with off
15:52on in.
15:52Can we ban off?
15:53No no no.
15:54Let's ban off now.
15:55Come on.
15:56Look at Maisie.
15:58Shall I tell my fact?
15:59Please.
16:00I once pissed myself
16:01at the top of a slide
16:02and then had to go down
16:04what was my own
16:05pissy water slide.
16:07Did it make it better?
16:08Do you know what it did?
16:09It was streamlined.
16:10Hmm.
16:11What about the next person though?
16:12That's what you've got to think of.
16:13At least you're in your own piss.
16:17I often,
16:18when I put my contact lenses in
16:19I have more problem
16:21with the left one
16:22because I don't know
16:23things get behind
16:24the left one
16:25more readily
16:26than the right
16:27and every day
16:28I think I should try
16:29putting them in
16:30in the other order
16:31in case it's not
16:32an eye thing
16:32it's just
16:33the one going in first
16:34goes in better
16:35and every day I forget.
16:36You should try it off okay.
16:38They're contact lenses
16:39that you put in at night
16:40and you wear them overnight
16:41and you take them out
16:42in the morning.
16:43Don't they dry your balls?
16:44No they don't.
16:45They keep them juicy.
16:46Well they bring my dreams
16:48back into focus.
16:51Since I set it up
16:52four years ago
16:53I haven't had
16:54a single subscriber
16:55for my OnlyFans account.
16:58What are you offering?
16:59Just my feet.
17:00Just feet?
17:01Yeah.
17:01Wearing a crock
17:02or a wedge.
17:04A wedge?
17:06Is OnlyFans
17:07what is it?
17:08It's a people pay.
17:09£7.99
17:09£7.99 a month.
17:11Oh you've gone
17:11into Salmon mode?
17:12Yeah.
17:13Yeah.
17:14How much is your
17:15OnlyFans Jimmy?
17:16It's quite expensive
17:16it's £20 a month.
17:17I'll have to cancel it.
17:22My name's Sam.
17:23Hi Sam.
17:24I'm just so grateful
17:24to be on this journey
17:25with you guys.
17:26I'm not going to take
17:27this experience
17:28for granted.
17:29I used to work
17:30at the Apple store.
17:32They'd use my penis
17:33to get the SIM cards
17:34out of the phones.
17:42I remember
17:43where I put my cup of tea.
17:45I don't think anyone
17:46would ever use
17:47those icebreakers
17:48in real life.
17:49Yeah I think I got
17:50to know too much
17:51about everyone.
17:52It was quite repulsive.
17:57How do you unwind?
17:58Chanting and stuff like that.
18:00Do you?
18:00Are you spiritual?
18:01Yeah I'm really spiritual.
18:02Oh lovely.
18:03With crystals even?
18:04Yeah chakras
18:05and like doing the downward
18:06dog.
18:07How's your kundalini?
18:07Oh it's wonderful.
18:09I like it al dente.
18:10It's pulsating right now?
18:11Sort of in general?
18:12Yeah.
18:12That's so good.
18:13Yeah a bit of a nice sauce.
18:14Do you discover that
18:15later in life?
18:16Yeah yeah yeah.
18:17It's my uh
18:18I just needed to chill
18:19and stuff you know
18:20and it's nice just breathing.
18:21What sort of was the time
18:22where you were like
18:23I really need to sort of
18:24when I committed
18:25my first murder.
18:26You murdered uh
18:26Yeah.
18:27You've killed.
18:28I've killed
18:28and I will kill again.
18:30Really?
18:30Yeah that's the trouble.
18:32You just get angry.
18:33Yeah it's very
18:34Moorish murder.
18:35What's your method
18:36if you don't mind me asking?
18:37Um anecdotes.
18:38Oh really?
18:39Yeah I bore them to death.
18:41Oh dear you talk
18:41about the Battle of Hastings.
18:42Alan Carr had me jumpy
18:43and I think also
18:44because I maybe
18:45I don't want to tell
18:46Taylor's out of school
18:47I think I had him
18:47a little bit jumpy.
18:48Who would play you
18:49in the movie?
18:50Uh you heard
18:51Christopher Biggins?
18:52Harold Bishop in Neighbours?
18:53Oh nice.
18:55Yeah.
18:56Yeah you remind me
18:57a bit of the guy
18:57who lives underneath me.
18:58Lives underneath you?
19:00Yeah.
19:00I live on a houseboat.
19:04This is a houseboat.
19:06Have you got an induction?
19:07Yeah.
19:11Can I join you one?
19:12May I?
19:13Yes you may.
19:14You're not sure are you?
19:16Well it's just
19:17because you're a
19:18you're a dangerous
19:19bloke.
19:19Do you know what I mean?
19:20Outside of this
19:21I love you.
19:22But in here.
19:22Is it hate?
19:23I can't stand you.
19:24I hate you.
19:27But yeah I'm happy to chat.
19:28Do you know what Bob's like?
19:30You never know
19:30when he's going to
19:31slip into his act
19:32and he's not doing an act.
19:33I can't tell what his act
19:34and what his bo-
19:34like you'll just be
19:36talking to him
19:36and then he'll just
19:38suddenly go
19:38what do you think
19:38of mushrooms Romesh?
19:39And you go
19:40oh shit I'm in trouble here.
19:41I once woke up
19:42and there was a shit
19:45on me windowsill.
19:46Proper.
19:46Like a human shit?
19:48Yeah.
19:48Well I think
19:48it had come from me.
19:53Okay.
19:57Well that was horrible Bob.
20:00This is a very friendly group.
20:02Everyone's getting on.
20:03I think we need a joker.
20:04Yeah.
20:05They're all going to perform
20:06on the stage.
20:07Yes.
20:07And everyone else
20:08has to sit down
20:09and watch them.
20:10Great.
20:11Who do you want to see first?
20:13David Mitchell?
20:14I'd be intrigued
20:15to know what he's going to do.
20:16I'll give him a call.
20:19PHONE RINGS
20:19PHONE RINGS
20:22Do you want to get it Al?
20:23Oh Al you get it.
20:24Hello?
20:25Oh hello.
20:26Alan could you ask
20:28David Mitchell
20:29to go and prepare
20:30his joker?
20:31Go and whisper to him.
20:33Say it in a sexy way.
20:34Okay.
20:34Right.
20:34Okay.
20:35Bye.
20:37You might be sending
20:38Alan out on that note.
20:39Oh I see.
20:40What's going on?
20:41Come on Alan
20:41you're killing us.
20:42Spill the beans.
20:43You need to
20:44prepare your joker.
20:47Oh.
20:49Now be honest with me
20:50is that the first time
20:51you've whispered
20:51in your life?
20:52Yep.
20:53You see that's doubly
20:54difficult for David Mitchell
20:55though because he's
20:56having to do this
20:56with interaction now.
20:59Oh hello.
21:00Oh there's a bell.
21:02It's David's joker.
21:03We're all excited
21:04about this.
21:05This is going to be
21:05a shit show isn't it?
21:06I'm not looking forward
21:07to this.
21:08I think this is going to be
21:09very very good.
21:13Okay.
21:14Oh no.
21:24All lined up in a wedding
21:26group here we are
21:27for a photograph
21:28All dressed up in a
21:30morning suit
21:30all trying not to laugh
21:32Since the early caveman
21:34in his fur
21:35took a trip to
21:35Gretna Green
21:36There's always been
21:38a photographer
21:39to record
21:40the happy scene
21:44Hold it
21:44Flashbang wallet
21:45What a picture
21:46What a picture
21:47What a photograph
21:48What a photograph
21:50Blown off in a cloud
21:52of smoke
21:52Clap hands
21:53Stamp your feet
21:54Bang it on the
21:55big bass drum
21:57What a picture
21:58What a picture
21:59Um tiddly
22:00Um pum pum pum pum pum
22:01Stick it in your family
22:02Album
22:07You've read it
22:08in a folio
22:09Or seen it
22:10in a Shakespeare play
22:11How Juliet fell
22:13for Romeo
22:14In the merry month
22:15of May
22:15And as he climbed
22:17the orchard wall
22:18To reach his lady fair
22:20As he stumbled
22:21She began to bawl
22:23As he travelled
22:24Through the air
22:27Hold it
22:28Flashbang wallet
22:29What a picture
22:30What a picture
22:31What a photograph
22:31Poor young chap
22:33What a night you spend
22:34Tights all torn
22:35In his rapier
22:36Ben
22:36Clap hands
22:37Stamp your feet
22:38Bang it on the
22:39big bass drum
22:40What a picture
22:41What a picture
22:42Um tiddly
22:43Um pum pum pum pum pum
22:45Sticking it in your family
22:46Album
22:49Hold it
22:49Flashbang wallet
22:50What a picture
22:51What a picture
22:52What a photograph
22:53Poor young chap
22:54What a night you spend
22:55Tights all torn
22:56In his rapier
22:57Ben
22:57Clap hands
22:58Stamp your feet
22:59Bang it on the big bass drum
23:01Bang it on the big bass drum
23:02What a picture
23:03What a picture
23:04What a picture
23:04Rum tiddly hum pum pum pum pum pum
23:06Stick it in your family
23:07Album
23:08Stick it in your family
23:10Stick it in your family
23:13Stick it in your family
23:14Stick it in your family
23:20Stick it in your family
23:21Stick it in your family
23:22Stick it in your family
23:23Stick it in your family
23:24Stick it in your family
23:25Stick it in your family
23:26Stick it in your family
23:26Stick it in your family
23:27Stick it in your family
23:27Stick it in your family
23:27Stick it in your family
23:28Stick it in your family
23:28Stick it in your family
23:28Stick it in your family
23:28Stick it in your family
23:29album!
23:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:35Wow!
23:37There's only takers.
23:40Yeah!
23:41That was exceptional, wasn't it?
23:43The energy.
23:44I don't want to stick anything in any of my family,
23:46despite how many times David Mitchell was telling me to.
23:49I didn't know he couldn't sing.
23:52Are you OK?
23:53Are you OK?
23:54You all right?
23:55Is your jaw OK?
23:57Oh, what's happened to your jaw?
23:58Are you OK?
24:00Mel?
24:00It's not just dislocated a jaw.
24:03Melvin!
24:04Melvis Presley, come on.
24:05It's like you've staple gunned your jowls to your collar.
24:12I've never seen David sing and dance like that before,
24:15and I don't want to again.
24:18David Mitchell, everybody!
24:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
24:24David, that was so good.
24:27I was hoping that five or six of you would laugh.
24:30It was really traditional.
24:32It was traditional.
24:33It was a sterling effort.
24:34Thank you for your appreciation.
24:36You sound quite out of breath.
24:37I am quite out of breath, because I just did that dance.
24:40That was a while ago.
24:42I mean, it feels quite recently to me.
24:43To me, it feels like just the last thing I did.
24:47Do you do any exercise, David?
24:48No.
24:49No.
24:50That.
24:51That'll do me for a month.
25:00How have you been?
25:02Good.
25:03So how long have you lived on a houseboat?
25:06Two years.
25:07It's a lot of upkeep.
25:08Mmm.
25:08Sam's hunting Alan.
25:10That's so worth it.
25:11Just that community, like the river people and stuff.
25:13Have you ever seen mole people?
25:14Mole people?
25:15Do you remember Eat Out to Help Out?
25:17Oh, yes, yes.
25:17I went to a restaurant, and mole people had heard about the deal, or 50% off, and were
25:22on the surface eating.
25:23They like surface.
25:24Oh.
25:24The girl, the daughter, had these long fingernails, and they all had close-set eyes, and they were
25:29mole people.
25:29Like, you could tell they were not like socialised.
25:32Oh, right.
25:32They were eating pizza.
25:34And they were moles?
25:35No, just mole-like, as in like, obviously, it's usually the dad is psycho, and he goes,
25:40we're going to live underground.
25:41Yeah, oh, okay.
25:42Mole people.
25:43Mole people.
25:44Yes.
25:45Right.
25:59When was the last time you had something that was non-vegan?
26:02Have you ever eaten anything by mistake?
26:04Yeah.
26:05I had a beef lasagna.
26:07That's quite a big mistake as a vegan.
26:09Yeah.
26:10Midway through, I sort of realised.
26:11I thought, I'm really...
26:12Was you enjoying it?
26:13Yeah.
26:14I thought, this is the best vegan lasagna I've ever had.
26:17Yeah.
26:17And the secret ingredient, beef.
26:19Beef.
26:19Yeah.
26:20Oh, Ron, when was that?
26:22Okay, everyone.
26:24Time to change things up.
26:25Romesh, Maisie, you're going to focus on a head-to-head challenge.
26:29You must maintain eye contact at all times.
26:32You need to take it in turns to tell each other about your biggest regrets.
26:36Please take your seats on the stage.
26:38Go, guys.
26:39Go, guys.
26:40We got this.
26:41The game starts when the bell rings.
26:44Romesh, Maisie, share your biggest regrets.
26:47PHONE RINGS
26:49Okay, do you want to go first?
26:52Sure.
26:55Hair?
26:56Yeah.
27:01Wow.
27:02You're just coming straight out with that.
27:04I don't regret this haircut.
27:05What did you ask for?
27:06The shaggy, slim, shady?
27:10I asked for a feminine Rod Stewart.
27:12Did you?
27:13And the guy hated you?
27:18I think he nailed it.
27:20Yeah, he did nail something.
27:21His ongoing vendetta against you in your social life.
27:23Have you got a regret or not, mate?
27:25Yeah.
27:26I regret losing my virginity to the swimming pool filter.
27:30How did that come about, then?
27:31I was on holiday in Portugal.
27:33Who made the first move?
27:34Well, I thought the filter was giving me the eye.
27:36Which eye?
27:37Well, the swimming pool filter didn't have a lazy eye.
27:38No.
27:39I've got a regret, genuinely.
27:41Go on.
27:41I went to Glasto and I got put in a caravan rather than a tent.
27:46And I arrived and immediately used the loo in there
27:50and only then found out there's no running water.
27:53So I then had to go and decanter what I'd done in the loo
27:58into, like, a plastic cup.
28:01I believe decanter is the noun.
28:05Decant is the verb, isn't it?
28:07I then went to decant.
28:08I did decant.
28:10Was I going to do this with David?
28:14It's a sound point he's making.
28:16Thank you, David.
28:17I decanted.
28:18There you go.
28:19Decanted.
28:20Yeah.
28:20I decanted.
28:21Yeah.
28:21Can I just say it's not decant?
28:23It's decant.
28:25Okay.
28:25Decant.
28:26I decanted a deposit into the...
28:29Out of the loo.
28:30Is this a limerick now?
28:31I'll tell you what I regret.
28:32I regret changing my name for this job to Maisie Adam.
28:36What was it before?
28:37My birth name is Teresa Honeysuckle.
28:42But I didn't think that that would work.
28:44Teresa Honeysuckle is a much better showbiz name than Maisie Adam.
28:48Romesh is not my name, you know that.
28:49Isn't it Jonathan?
28:50Yeah.
28:50My mum and dad were worried about me fitting in.
28:54So, the name they wanted to give me was Romesh.
28:56Right.
28:57But they thought, let's give him Jonathan.
28:58Jonathan.
28:59So that when he's at school and stuff, the other kids don't know that he's Asian.
29:06That is an amusing idea.
29:10David!
29:12First day, the whole thing fell around around my ears.
29:17No further questions, thank you.
29:19Oh, that was good.
29:20They survived.
29:22The first head-to-head was tough.
29:23I don't do deadpan.
29:25I'm giggly on stage.
29:27He is professionally a miserable old twat.
29:31Is the tash new?
29:32Yeah.
29:33Because it adds to the...
29:34Adds to the what? Sadness?
29:35The sadness of your face.
29:36Do you like it or not?
29:38It's...
29:38That's enough.
29:39That's enough.
29:39That's enough.
29:41I had a crush on Magnum P.I.
29:42That's all I'm saying.
29:43Celic.
29:44And you're giving Asian Magnum P.I.?
29:46Dom Celic.
29:47Sex Hotman.
29:48Just discussing my moustache.
29:49Who's the fittest person with a moustache that you've ever seen?
29:53Miles Teller in Top Gun.
29:55Yes.
29:56Let me think about it first.
30:00What about the Spiv from Dad's Army?
30:02It's a great shout.
30:03Mmm.
30:04The guy on the Pringles Chib?
30:05Hitler.
30:06Oh!
30:07Mmm.
30:08Mmm.
30:09It's about fit.
30:10It's a bit of a choice.
30:12Bemi has walked away.
30:16What's your favourite bank that you don't have an account with?
30:19Santander.
30:19Because of the bikes?
30:21Because of Ant & Dec.
30:22Oh!
30:23I didn't know that yet.
30:24I think Sam Campbell's looking for a father figure.
30:28It's a shame that Tasha's been taken out of the game, isn't it?
30:30Yeah.
30:31Do you know what I mean?
30:31Because it would be everywhere now.
30:32Don't get me wrong, it's not the worst thing that happened.
30:34No.
30:35But like...
30:41He nearly made himself go.
30:43Oh, he's nearly set himself up.
30:44What were you going to say, Ron?
30:46Nothing, no, no, I'm good.
30:47Oh, Alan's in trouble there.
30:50Have you met them much?
30:51I've lifted up Alan today.
30:52Really?
30:53Yeah.
30:53When they were going through their fellow years?
30:55No, physically.
30:56Oh, okay.
30:57Lifted them.
30:58Sam is trying to take him out.
30:59I think Colonel Sanders, he's alright as well, isn't he?
31:02But I don't normally go for an older man, you know?
31:10Oh, this is fucking great.
31:12This is exciting.
31:13I've lifted some of the smallest.
31:15Do you know Ronnie Corbett?
31:18Yeah.
31:18I've lifted Ronnie Corbett up.
31:20It's a dead weight because your mind thinks easy.
31:23Can I lift you?
31:24You can give it a go.
31:25Oh!
31:34Jim!
31:35Okay, that was definitely a laugh.
31:37Oh, what's that mean?
31:38Someone laughed?
31:39Who's that?
31:41Well, we've had a laugh.
31:42And it's a surprise.
31:44Doors!
31:44Oh, no!
31:45What's going on?
31:46Oh, hello, sailor.
31:48We've had our first laugh.
31:49No way!
31:50What?
31:51Bullshit!
31:54Rip it, rip it!
31:55How you doing, Bob?
31:56All right?
31:58I've got to give you a red card.
32:00I slightly weed myself.
32:02Nice and simple.
32:03Would you consider yourself a pervert?
32:06The fuck are we watching?
32:08Oh, we've all lost our minds.
32:10Anyone want a song?
32:11No.
32:12No.
32:12No!
32:13Oh!
32:14Well done.
32:15Oh!
32:17Jimmy Carr's a prick.
32:18I am, but that's nothing to do with this.
32:20Put that in the trailer.
32:21Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
32:25That was...
32:27A sudden death.
32:28If you laugh, you're out.
32:30He went a bit Lord of the Flies.
32:32Shh.
32:34It's just loud.
32:45Yeah!
32:49Oh!
32:51Why?
33:13What?
33:14Exactly!
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