- 2 days ago
Category
🐳
AnimalsTranscript
00:00Hey, it's Meltdown here with my friend Craig Gass,
00:02and he is going to be in town this week at One Night Stands.
00:05We'll talk about that in Waterford.
00:07But he's been here for actually a few days because he came in
00:10and saw Sebastian Bach at District 142, man.
00:13That was awesome.
00:14It was great.
00:14And then Sebastian, I hit him up for tickets.
00:17Like, hey, can I come to the show?
00:19And he said, dude, fucking come on stage.
00:22Do something on stage, man.
00:24And I was like, all right.
00:25And his idea was he runs a video of me in his music video
00:31for What Do I Got to Lose, where I'm walking through the desert
00:33doing an impression of him before he pulls up in a car
00:35and says, get in the car and we'll go party.
00:37Hysterical, by the way.
00:38Yeah.
00:39It was his idea to do that thing.
00:41And he said, let's do something like that before I go on stage.
00:45And then, but he also wanted you to introduce him.
00:49And I said, how about I go out and do some stand-up,
00:51and then I'll introduce Meltdown.
00:53Meltdown introduces you.
00:54And he's like, love it.
00:55Let's do it.
00:56And I said, okay, just so you know, and I just said one sentence,
00:59I'm just going to go on stage and pretend that I work for you.
01:02And he was like, cool.
01:04And he didn't watch anything that I did, which fucked his whole show up.
01:08Dude, that was the funniest part about it,
01:11because for people that weren't there,
01:13you told the crowd that he's going to introduce each member of the band.
01:17Like, for example, his son Paris, you know, his birthday, you know.
01:20Right, so backing up a little bit, I walked out on stage,
01:22and this is how I've opened for Metallica.
01:24This is how I've opened for System of Down, Pantera, Motley Crue, Alice in Chains,
01:29The Struts, et cetera, et cetera.
01:31As I go out on stage, and I say, good evening.
01:34My name's Craig.
01:36I'm the band's tour manager, and everybody cheers.
01:39Yeah, right.
01:39And I go, the band has asked me to make some very important announcements.
01:44And you can hear a pin drop, like, what's these announcements?
01:47And then I start making up shit.
01:49Right.
01:49And everything I say is really cool, but also bullshit.
01:55Right.
01:55And it's just so I can fill in the gaps with some jokes.
01:59And, like, one of the announcements is always,
02:02you may have heard some rumors, and it's true.
02:05We are recording our first ever live album right here.
02:10Yeah.
02:11So I need your attention.
02:12I need your attention.
02:13There's a proper way to yell on a live album,
02:17so we need to rehearse this.
02:18And they follow every dumb instruction I give them.
02:21Well, the best part about it was that the band was backstage.
02:24They were listening to you.
02:25Yeah.
02:25But Sebastian was doing his warm-ups.
02:27Right.
02:27He's still upstairs stretching and warming up his vocals.
02:30Yeah.
02:30He had no idea.
02:31So then you're telling everybody that it's his son's birthday.
02:34Yeah, I go, it's his birthday.
02:35So when they say, please welcome on the drums, my son Paris,
02:39you got to yell, happy birthday, because we're recording it.
02:43Right.
02:43We're recording.
02:44And then the one that fucked him up was I said,
02:47over here on stage left is Bruiser Brody, his guitar player.
02:52And one thing you need to know about Bruiser Brody,
02:55this guy has the biggest dick I've ever seen in my life.
02:57This guy's dick is so, it has an elbow in it.
03:00His dick has a watch on the end of it.
03:02Like, it was all these, like, crazy stories about how big his penis is.
03:05And I said, so it's really important that we capture this
03:07during this live recording when he says,
03:10on the guitar, please welcome Bruiser Brody.
03:12You all need to yell, show us your dick.
03:16All right, now let's rehearse it.
03:17And they rehearsed it.
03:18And then I said, and then when it's the drummer, you say, happy birthday.
03:22And everyone had a special announcement.
03:24And it blew me away that Sebastian shows up and goes, how was it?
03:29And I go, oh, you didn't see it?
03:30And he goes, no.
03:31And then he goes out on stage.
03:32And then two songs into the set, he goes,
03:35I want to introduce a very special person on guitar.
03:39And he almost, the way I said he was going to say it,
03:42he says, please welcome Bruiser Brody.
03:46And the whole room goes, show us your dick.
03:49And he goes, what?
03:52It was like, it was just.
03:55It was classic.
03:56It was great because he didn't hear any of it.
03:59And then he welcomes his son.
04:02And everyone says, happy birthday.
04:03He's like, it's not his birthday.
04:08Yeah.
04:08I mean, every fucking announcement.
04:10That works to a T.
04:13Well, you know how this all started.
04:15I have to give you the backstory.
04:16I don't know if you know this story.
04:18But I think you'll love this story.
04:20The first big band that I got to open for was Metallica.
04:23And that's how this whole thing starts 20-something years ago.
04:29And the way I got the gig with Metallica was the result of a prank phone call.
04:36Do you know that story, the prank phone call I made to Lars?
04:38No, but go ahead.
04:39So I was working on the Howard Stern show at K-Rock at the time.
04:44So this would have been 2001, 2002-ish.
04:49And our midday.
04:50Oh, no, no.
04:51This is after that.
04:52Because our midday guy, Woody, ended up going to St. Louis.
04:56And he's now doing afternoons at St. Louis.
04:58Now he's doing a morning show in L.A.
05:00But Woody was doing middays at this rock station in St. Louis.
05:04And he said, dude, next time you come to St. Louis, you could just come on a show and just
05:09hang out the whole show.
05:11And so when I got into St. Louis, my first day in, I get my rental car and I start
05:16driving to the radio station.
05:18And I found Woody's radio show on the dial.
05:22And I couldn't believe.
05:23I was blown away.
05:24He has Lars Ulrich on the phone live.
05:27And so he's keeping Lars on the phone because he knows this is a big deal.
05:31So he's got Lars Ulrich on the phone and he's not playing any songs.
05:36He's not playing any commercials.
05:37And he's got no delay.
05:41And every fifth or sixth word coming out of Lars' mouth is a doozy.
05:46And then I'm driving and I can't believe that this is just going on and on.
05:51It's like 20, 30 minutes of this.
05:53And then I get to the radio station.
05:55He's still on the air.
05:56I walk in the building.
05:57He's still on the air.
05:58The receptionist finally grabs me and takes me upstairs to the studio.
06:02He's still on the air.
06:03I walk in the studio.
06:04I look at my buddy Woody and I go, dude, am I coming on?
06:07He goes, I can't get rid of him.
06:10And he goes, here, just grab a seat over here.
06:13And he goes, let me just, Lars, let me just, can I, yeah, nope.
06:19That is cool.
06:20That's very cool.
06:21Lars, let me just interrupt you for one second.
06:23Okay.
06:24For those of you just joining the broadcast, we have Lars Ulrich on the phone from his house
06:28in San Francisco.
06:29And Lars, you're not going to believe this, but, and he starts pointing at me to point
06:32me to a microphone.
06:33He goes, and I was like, no, no.
06:34And he goes, we have a couple special guests that want to say hello to you.
06:38Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons are in the studio right now.
06:42And they wanted to say hi.
06:43And Lars goes, is that really Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons from Kiss?
06:48And he goes, yeah, guys, say hi.
06:50Hey, Lars, this is Paul Stanley.
06:52And this is Gene Simmons from Kiss.
06:56And I'm going to get right to the point, Lars.
06:59A lot of people steal from Kiss.
07:01You know it.
07:02I know it.
07:03Everybody knows this.
07:04But on the new Metallica record, it was St. Anger.
07:07It was the new record.
07:08No one sold anything out there, by the way.
07:09But go ahead.
07:10I think you've gone a little too far on the new album.
07:13And I'll give you a perfect example.
07:15I want you to name one original song on the new album, St. Anger.
07:21And Lars goes, I think all the songs are pretty original.
07:26And I said, right.
07:27But if you had to pick one song, what would it be?
07:31I guess if I had to pick one song, it would probably be.
07:34And he gave me a song title.
07:35And I said, that's a great song, Lars.
07:37But I'm going to be honest.
07:38I liked it a lot better the first time I heard it, when it was called Beth.
07:43And he said, how the fuck do you hear Beth in the middle of a Metallica song?
07:48It doesn't even make any sense.
07:49And he started arguing with a fake Paul Stanley and a fake Gene Simmons.
07:54And then at some point, my buddy, the radio buddy, jumps in and goes, hey, guys, guys,
07:59stop fighting for one second.
08:00Lars, can I just poke in here for one second?
08:03We have a talk radio station next door to the rock station here in the same building.
08:07And they have a movie critic that comes in every Friday who does movie reviews.
08:11And he has real movie stars to come in and talk about movie releases that are coming out.
08:15He has Christopher Walken in the studio.
08:18Do you mind if Christopher Walken comes in?
08:20He wants to say hello to you.
08:21Is that really Christopher Walken?
08:23It is.
08:24Hey, Lars, it's Christopher Walken.
08:28I love Metallica because I love cocaine.
08:33I love cocaine.
08:34And he starts having a conversation with a fake Christopher Walken while a fake Paul Stanley
08:40and a fake Gene Simmons keeps trying to pick a fight with him.
08:43At some point, I started chiming in as Phil and Samo for some reason and going, hey, Lars,
08:48check it out.
08:49And then finally, my buddy goes, hey, guys, guys, I need to stop for one second.
08:53Lars, you're not going to believe this.
08:54The comedian Sam Kinison just walked in the studio.
08:57And I go, hey, Lars, I don't know if you remember this, but I did a lot of cocaine with
09:03you that you stole back in 1985.
09:09There's a long pause.
09:11And Lars Ulrich goes, didn't that guy die like 30 years ago?
09:15We go, yeah, it's really weird.
09:17And then finally, my buddy Woody jumps in and goes, hey, Lars, I'm sorry.
09:20I have to stop all this right now.
09:22Lars, we were just having some fun with you.
09:25This is a comedian friend of mine named Craig Gass.
09:27He's on the Howard Stern show, blah, blah, blah.
09:29And Lars goes, dude, are you going to be in St. Louis when we get there?
09:33And I said, no, I don't live in St. Louis.
09:35I live in New York, so I will not be here.
09:36And he said, well, dude, next time you come to Metallica's show, I'd love to hang out with
09:41you.
09:41And I was like, I'd love to hang out with you too, dude.
09:44I fucking love you, Lars.
09:46And I thought that was it.
09:47And it was over.
09:48A week later, I'm back home in New York.
09:50Gary, our producer, walks up to me and goes, hey, so I got a really funny story for you.
09:56Like, apparently, one of the guys in Metallica is trying to get a hold of you, man.
09:59And he wants you to call a guy from Electra Records.
10:01And he needed to call his phone number.
10:03And he gave me a phone number for this guy who I called up.
10:05And I said, or the guy said to me, I don't know who you are, but Lars Ulrich wanted me
10:11to reach out to you because we're doing a promotion for the new album, St. Anger, where
10:16we're going to take over a rock radio station in Denver called KBPI.
10:21And we're going to syndicate this to 20 different markets around the country.
10:25And I guess you do impressions, and Lars wants you to co-host the show with him.
10:30And I ended up co-hosting the show a couple weeks later in Denver.
10:34And then Lars gives me a laminate.
10:38Lars doesn't give me a laminate.
10:40He gives me his laminate to go to the Metallica show the next night at the football stadium,
10:46which is where this legendary moment happened.
10:48I think you know about my background and about my family.
10:52Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:53Yeah, I want to get into that.
10:54Yeah, my whole family's deaf.
10:56The short version is that my whole family, my mom, my dad, and my sister are all completely
10:59deaf.
11:00That's why I've been able to do impressions, because I had to learn how to talk by watching
11:04TV.
11:04And I copied all the voices I heard on TV.
11:06So I walk into the stadium.
11:09Lars's assistant grabs me and says, hey, Lars wants to say hi to you and introduce you
11:13to the rest of the guys.
11:14I go into this locker room.
11:16Lars brings me in.
11:18The other three members of Metallica are sitting at a table.
11:20And Lars already says, hey, man, this is Craig.
11:24This is the guy that's all the voices.
11:27And check it out.
11:28His whole family is retarded.
11:30I go, they're not retarded.
11:32They're deaf.
11:33My family's deaf.
11:35They're not retarded.
11:36Like, it was like, yeah, he kind of messed it up a little bit over there.
11:38But, you know, well-intended, but that leads to me calling Lars when they announced they
11:48were going to do a special show in New York City at the Bowery Ballroom, right after the
11:52Video Music Awards, I think in 2002.
11:54And they said, the only way to get tickets, it only holds 1,000 people.
11:58You can only win tickets.
12:00You can't buy them.
12:00And to get the tickets, you have to go through the Metallica Fan Club or my radio station,
12:04K-Rock, to win tickets.
12:06And I called Lars and left him a message and said, if Metallica had any balls, you
12:12would let a comedian open for you when you get to New York.
12:16And he called.
12:17I still have the voicemail, by the way.
12:18I'm sure.
12:19Do you ever save messages from people?
12:20Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:21I got a short message on my voicemail.
12:23Boop.
12:24Hey, man, this is Lars.
12:27Yeah, I just talked to James and Kirk and some of the other guys.
12:31And, yeah, come down, do a couple, 15, 20 minutes, whatever it is you do, and let's
12:36have some fun, huh?
12:37Ha!
12:39And I go down to the venue.
12:41And then it hits me when I get there.
12:44Everyone here's on Coke.
12:45What am I doing?
12:46Like, why am I trying to do stand-up?
12:48And I got really scared.
12:49And instead of doing a stand-up set, I walked out on stage and said, good evening.
12:53My name's Craig.
12:54And I am Metallica's tour manager, and the instantaneous respect and attention that I
13:00got from that allowed me to tell jokes.
13:02And I've repeated it and kind of, like, molded it every show, every time I got asked to do
13:09it.
13:09And Alice in Chains brought me out for a full tour to do that.
13:12So, yeah, man, that's how that whole thing started.
13:14That's awesome with Alice in Chains, too.
13:16And it's funny, because when we were walking in here, you just said, you kind of said to
13:18me, man, can you believe that we get to, like, do this every day?
13:23I've been doing this for 36 years, living in this rock and roll world.
13:27It is kind of insane.
13:28Yeah, like, this weird moment happens the other day when you go, I go, yeah, man, I'm
13:32coming down to the Sebastian show.
13:33And you go, oh, dude, I'll be at the show.
13:34Well, you know, let me know.
13:35Let's meet up there.
13:37And I'm on my way there.
13:38And you go, I got an all-access for you.
13:40And I was like, no shit.
13:41And then the tour manager's like, yeah, I got an all-access for you.
13:43And I go, like, oh, man, I got one.
13:44You got one.
13:45And I was like, how cool is it that we've gotten to a place where we're allowed in?
13:51And, like, you know, because for so long, you love this music and you want to get close
13:57to it.
13:58And for so long, it's like, how do I, how do I, like, I wanted to be in the music
14:02business,
14:02but I have no talent.
14:04That makes two of us, right?
14:06Like, I can't play any instrument.
14:07I didn't, but, and I ended up, like, I started out managing bands when I was a kid, when I
14:12was, like, 15.
14:13I used to book and promote concerts from the time I was 15 until I was 23.
14:17I started doing stand-up at 23, and that's when I realized, oh, this is what I want to
14:20do.
14:20I really want to be on stage.
14:21I don't have any talent, but I'd like to be on stage and try to be funny.
14:25And then being funny led to my relationships with all my favorite bands, because every
14:31band is loaded with goofballs.
14:34They're all, they're all goofy and silly.
14:37Someone told me, I'm trying to remember who it was.
14:39Someone told me that Sean Kinney is a really funny dude.
14:42And, um, yeah, and I was, I was just, I was just about to say the one band that has
14:47some
14:47of the most serious, moodiest music, but is loaded with the four goofiest fucking people
14:54I've ever met in my life is Alice in Chains.
14:57Sean Kinney is a total cornball.
15:00We're actually doing a show together in about two weeks.
15:02I'm hosting a charity event with some of the guys in Alice in Chains and Nancy Wilson from
15:06Hard's going to perform at.
15:07It's up in Seattle?
15:08At the Moore Theater, yeah.
15:09And two of the guys from, uh, Shinedown are going to perform there too.
15:13Um, yeah, I was, uh, I was talking to somebody and I said that, and this was a couple of
15:16years back and I said, I'm going to go see Elsa Chains there.
15:18And whoever I was talking to said, make sure you tell Sean Kinney, I said, hello, he is
15:22the funniest dude.
15:23And that's, I think the only time I've ever met him.
15:25And I walked up and I said, Hey, so-and-so said hello.
15:27And he, oh man, I love that.
15:28Whoever it was.
15:29I can't remember.
15:29Yeah.
15:30He's a totally, totally goofy guy.
15:32Uh, Jerry, uh, who's a quiet guy.
15:35Yeah.
15:35Has a secret, like comedian inside of him where his outgoing voicemail messages, he
15:40will work for hours at a time, creating sound effects and saying, you've reached Bob's big
15:47barn, uh, junkyard, leave a mess.
15:50And you hear all these weird sounds in the background.
15:52It's like, we got lots, we got, uh, uh, cars, we got metal parts.
15:56We got, you know, whatever, whatever you need.
15:58We got your stuff at, at, at the junkyard.
16:00And, and, uh, and then Mike Inez is like, um, I remember hanging out with Mike and his
16:05wife, Sydney.
16:06And, uh, the beginning of the conversation was, uh, him mentioning, you know, uh, Sydney's
16:12having a bad day.
16:13She's on her period.
16:13And I was like, Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
16:15And I said, uh, Hey, next week, uh, uh, do you guys want to get together and go to that
16:19new movie that's coming out?
16:21And he goes, well, I do, but, uh, I can catch up pants over here.
16:24And I went, what?
16:27I was like, and she just kind of, yeah.
16:30And I was like, catch up pants.
16:33What the?
16:33Yeah.
16:34Yeah.
16:34That's a, that's a new one.
16:35I've never heard.
16:36You know, it's funny.
16:37Uh, you know, it's funny.
16:39I don't think I could change my outgoing voicemail.
16:41If I tried, I don't even know what it says to be honest.
16:43I've never, I haven't changed it in years.
16:45Well, who's on your outgoing vest?
16:46Is it just you saying, just me saying, leave a message.
16:48I don't know.
16:48Nobody calls anybody anymore.
16:50I will.
16:51Um, I've done a bunch of voicemails for people.
16:53I'll do them at my shows.
16:54Like, Hey, if you want me to do the voicemail message, I'll, I'll, I'll do it for a fee.
16:58And, and then sometimes I'll call people up and I'll forget.
17:01And I'll be like, Holy shit.
17:03How'd you get Morgan Freeman to do this?
17:05And I'll be like, Oh shit.
17:06Is that me doing Morgan Freeman?
17:07No way.
17:07Like, dude, there was one time I got, I got, it was like nine o'clock in the morning.
17:14I just woken up.
17:15My phone's vibrating.
17:15I look, it's Paul Stanley.
17:18I haven't talked to Paul Stanley in years and I'm assuming it's gotta be mad about something.
17:24Why is he calling me at nine o'clock in the morning?
17:26I don't pick up nine, 10.
17:30Paul Stanley starts calling and I go, Oh shit.
17:33And I start pacing and I just start rehearsing.
17:38Paul, that was a long time ago.
17:40I've changed a lot.
17:41Like I'm, I'm going through this, like, how am I gonna, you know, calls a third time.
17:46And I'm like, Holy fuck.
17:47And then he sends me a text.
17:49Hey, I'm trying to call you.
17:50It's Paul Stanley.
17:51Oh my God.
17:52And within 20 minutes, the phone rings for a fourth time and I pick up and I go, hello.
17:57And he goes, Hey Craig, it's Paul Stanley.
17:59And I go, Hey man, what's going on?
18:03And he goes, not much.
18:04How are you?
18:04And I go, doing good.
18:06Doing good.
18:07Doing good.
18:08What's, what's going on?
18:09What's going on?
18:10And he goes, you know, I was hanging out with a friend of mine and he has Morgan Freeman
18:16got to do his voicemail and it's so funny.
18:20And I just started thinking, you know, you do so many great impressions.
18:23I just wanted to know if maybe you could do like an Al Pacino something on my voicemail.
18:27And I go, okay.
18:29And he's like, would you do that?
18:31And I go, Paul, that's how I spend all my free time.
18:35Yeah.
18:36Like, what do you want me to do?
18:37And he goes, you know, just something like son of a woman or something.
18:40I was like, yeah.
18:41All right, cool.
18:41And I was like, fuck, that's so I, I very quickly, I do a quick thing where I just said,
18:47hi, this is Al Pacino.
18:52You've reached the star child's voicemail.
18:55Leave a message.
18:57And don't ramble on and on because I know where you live.
19:01I'm coming to your house and I'm taking a flamethrower to that motherfucker.
19:07And I, I sent it and I, with a little note and I said, let me know if you have
19:11any notes.
19:12And he texted me right back and goes, yeah, I have some notes.
19:15And I was like, what?
19:16And he goes, why are you cursing?
19:17And I said, oh, is that?
19:19And he goes, yeah, don't curse.
19:20What are you?
19:20And I go, all right.
19:21So I redid it without cursing and he goes, that was perfect.
19:26And I go, thank you.
19:28And he goes, do you want to perform with Kiss on the Kiss Cruise?
19:31And I was like, I would love to perform with Kiss.
19:32And then I got an offer from the promoter and then boom, boom, boom.
19:35How many Kiss Cruises have you done?
19:40This is a funny story.
19:41It's a sensitive question.
19:42It's a sensitive question because I've done four, I think, but I upset the Kiss fans on one of them.
19:49Really?
19:50You don't know about that?
19:51No.
19:52Dude, on one of the Kiss Cruises, I think it was the first or second one, I get on and
19:59I'm on the Kiss Cruise.
20:00And I can't believe as I enter the ship, I'm like, holy shit.
20:05And I'm sure you have this feeling too when you go to a show.
20:08It's like, I'm friends with these people.
20:10I'm friends with the management.
20:12I'm fairly friendly with the band.
20:15I'm definitely friendly with the road crew.
20:17This is incredible.
20:19Like, I'm part of the family on some level here.
20:22Right.
20:22And then I did something on that cruise that, oh my God, those Kiss fans, they're called the Kiss Army.
20:28I did something that pissed off those Kiss fans.
20:31They hate me more than Gene Simmons ever did because I met a girl who was the cruise director.
20:39She's really upbeat and pep.
20:40She's like the Julie McCoy.
20:42Right.
20:42I was going to say Julie, right.
20:43Julie McCoy of the Kiss Cruise.
20:46And when she meets me, she goes, oh my God, are you Craig?
20:49And I said, yeah.
20:50She goes, you're Craig Gat.
21:03If I make an announcement, who's going to hear the announcement?
21:06And she goes, well, if you want, we can flip a switch and it'll get piped into every cabin.
21:12And I went, flip that switch.
21:15I know exactly what I want everyone to wake up to tomorrow morning.
21:18The next morning, 3,000 of the biggest Kiss fans in the world at sea woke up to bing bong.
21:26Hey, everybody.
21:27This is Paul Stanley.
21:29And this is Gene Simmons from Kiss.
21:33And we have a very important announcement.
21:36Do not panic, but we have a very important announcement about the Kiss Cruise.
21:41At that moment, my friends on the ship said that all the fans on the boat just stopped in their
21:47tracks.
21:47And they're looking at the speakers and smiling until the next words that came out of my mouth.
21:52We've just hit an iceberg, which keep in mind, when I said we hit an iceberg, we're in the middle
21:59of the fucking Bahamas.
22:02There's no reason for you as an intelligent person to go, the ship's going down.
22:06The ship's going down.
22:07We're in the Bahamas.
22:08But do not panic because Kiss is going to take care of everybody.
22:13We actually have three packages to get you off the ship.
22:18First, we have the platinum package.
22:21It's $5,000.
22:23We'll put you in a life raft and you have your own private photo and medical care from Kiss.
22:29Then we have the diamond package.
22:32Isn't that right, Paul?
22:33That's right.
22:34The diamond package for $10,000 where we throw you in the ocean with Tommy and Eric.
22:42And then Kiss floats by on a rack.
22:45We do a private acoustic.
22:46Everything I said was just stupid.
22:49Right.
22:49And several members of the Kiss army ran to the employees and said, so Kiss is going to charge us
22:55to get off the boat?
22:56Is that what's going on?
22:57They genuinely believe that Kiss was capable of charging people to get out of an emergency, which was amazing.
23:05That is so funny.
23:07It says a lot about the fandom.
23:08You know what I mean?
23:09Man, it hit an iceberg.
23:11Wow.
23:11In the middle of the Caribbean.
23:14I mean, dude, these moments, you know, again, I can't believe it.
23:17It's like, you know, right now on this date that we're recording this, it just so happens that Gene Simmons
23:22is on his way here to Detroit the same week that I'm here.
23:25Well, I think he's coming in like three weeks.
23:26Oh, is he coming in three weeks?
23:27Yeah, like April 9th.
23:28Oh, I heard.
23:30I'm hearing from people at Rock and Brews that he's going to be at the Rock and Brews thing tomorrow.
23:36No, April 9th is when he's supposed to be there.
23:37He might be there tomorrow.
23:38I don't know.
23:38Maybe he won't be.
23:39I haven't heard that.
23:40Yeah.
23:40But, you know.
23:41So that's what I've heard.
23:45All right.
23:45Well, we'll see what happens tomorrow.
23:47Yeah.
23:47And, you know, which will be interesting.
23:50There was one time when, like, I've never been alone with Gene Simmons.
23:55And that's intentional.
23:56Yeah.
23:57I'm scared.
23:58Like, I was in Las Vegas a few years ago before I got my own place in Las Vegas.
24:03And I tweeted out, I'm at the Rio Hotel, joke, joke, joke, looking for an apartment or something to live
24:10at.
24:10But I'm at the Rio Hotel.
24:12Someone who works for Kiss texted me and said, dude, are you at the Rio Hotel right now?
24:17And I said, I am.
24:18What's up, buddy?
24:19And he said, I'm downstairs at the Kiss Mini Golf.
24:22There's a very famous Kiss miniature golf place inside the Rio Hotel.
24:27And he said, I'm downstairs with Gene.
24:30He wants to talk to you.
24:32And I went.
24:33And I didn't respond.
24:35I was like.
24:36And then a comedian friend of mine from Providence calls me up.
24:39He goes, hey, bro, what are you doing?
24:40And I go, I'm avoiding Gene Simmons right now.
24:43He goes, what do you mean you're avoiding Gene Simmons?
24:45And I go, dude, I'm in the Rio Hotel.
24:47I tweeted that I'm at the Rio Hotel.
24:48Someone who works for Gene just texted me and said, hey, man, come downstairs.
24:53Because there's a famous Kiss mini golf place downstairs in the same hotel that I'm at.
24:58And he said, Gene Simmons is here.
24:59He wants to talk to you.
25:00And I'm afraid to talk to him.
25:02And my friend goes, why?
25:03And I go, I've never been alone with him.
25:05And I'm afraid that he's waiting to be alone before he lets me know how he really feels about me.
25:11And like he's going to kick my ass.
25:12And my buddy goes, dude, are you kidding me?
25:16If Gene Simmons beat the shit out of you at a Kiss mini golf, do you know how great that
25:22story would be?
25:23Best story ever, right?
25:24Best story.
25:24You get your ass kicked at a Kiss mini golf.
25:26And I was like, you know what?
25:27You're right.
25:27I put on my flip flops.
25:28I went downstairs, and I was ready for my beating.
25:31And instead, I just see a smiling Gene Simmons.
25:34He's hanging out with two guys from another country who have each paid something like $5,000 to just hang
25:42out with him for an afternoon.
25:44And I come downstairs, and he sees me, and he goes, oh, here we go.
25:51Go ahead.
25:52And I went, what am I?
25:54And he goes, go ahead.
25:54Come on.
25:55And I go, oh, you want me to some jokes?
25:57And he goes, no, impressions.
25:58Come on.
25:59Go, go.
26:00Let's go.
26:00And I go, oh, hey, I'm Craig.
26:03I'm a comedian.
26:04I do an impression of him, and I start doing impressions for them.
26:07And at one point, his friends say, how long does it take you to do it?
26:12Like, how do you learn how to do that?
26:14Do you practice?
26:14And I said, no, it's actually kind of a weird story.
26:17I've always had an ability to do voices because I grew up in a family that's deaf.
26:20And they were like, is that true?
26:21And I go, and before I can finish, Gene goes, it's true.
26:26His family's deaf, and he's dumb.
26:28And I went, what?
26:30You asked me to come down here.
26:32Like, what are you?
26:33Like, yeah.
26:34We're in Detroit.
26:35Do you ever do the nuge?
26:37I've never tried.
26:38You know what?
26:39Not only have I never tried to do the nuge, I could swear.
26:42Does somebody do a Nugent impression that I'm not thinking of?
26:45No, I'm not really familiar.
26:46But he has a distinct voice, so I thought that maybe.
26:48Okay, tell me a famous sentence that Ted Nugent says, and I will try a Ted Nugent impression right now.
26:54All right, it's the Wango Tango.
26:56All right, it's the Wango Tango?
26:57Okay.
26:57Remember that?
26:58All right, it's the Wango Tango.
26:59Okay.
27:00All right!
27:01It's the Wango Tango.
27:02All right, here's my first attempt at Ted Nugent.
27:05Ted Nugent, let's see.
27:05And keep in mind, my Ted Nugent impression sounds a lot like Tracy Morgan.
27:09Here we go.
27:10Okay.
27:11All right, it's the Wango Tango.
27:13Okay, now that's not even close.
27:14That's not even close.
27:16Or maybe it's the onstage Paul Stanley.
27:19All right, people!
27:20Did I ever tell you about the rap that I saw him do in Las Vegas?
27:24Paul Stanley onstage in Las Vegas goes, all right, people, now listen.
27:30You know, I know this town, Las Vegas, Nevada.
27:35It's known for its buffets.
27:39And I can tell you right now, I see a lot of people in the front row that I really
27:43want
27:43to eat.
27:44And he started fixing his hair and I went, what the fuck?
27:47I see the same tour, like, two months later in New York City.
27:52And I bring a bunch of comedians backstage with me.
27:55Steve Byrne, Jim Norton, Jeff Ross.
27:58I bring them all backstage.
27:59And I'm introducing them to everybody with Kiss.
28:01And any time an employee of Kiss walks by, I go, hey, did you hear Paul in Vegas say
28:07he was going to eat the front row?
28:09Three different guys who work for Kiss said, did you hear what he said in Omaha?
28:14And I went, what?
28:15And he goes, ask about what happened in Omaha.
28:17Just ask what his stage rap was.
28:19And apparently on stage in Omaha, he goes, all right, people.
28:22Now, listen, you know, I know this town, Omaha, Nebraska, is known for its Angus beef.
28:33And I can tell you right now, after this show, I see a lot of people in the front row
28:37that
28:37I really want to eat.
28:38No, no.
28:39He said, no, I want to sink my teeth into some meat.
28:42And the crowd went, what?
28:44And he goes, now, wait a minute.
28:46Hold on.
28:46Hold on.
28:47You know what I'm talking about.
28:48I'm talking about a thigh or a rump roast.
28:52And the crowd went, what?
28:54And apparently the guitar techs behind the stage were going, what's he doing?
28:58Like, everybody was confused.
28:59I want to eat some meat.
29:00And I want to sink my teeth into a rump roast.
29:03Yeah, he was trying to get the whole Kiss thing going, I'm sure.
29:06Yeah.
29:06Hey, tell everybody about your show.
29:08I got to get out of here, man.
29:09I could stay here all day and talk to you.
29:10Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Craig Gass.
29:13I am a comedian, and I am usually funny.
29:16And I am performing in Waterford this weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, at, what is that?
29:23One Night Stands.
29:24March 19th to the 21st.
29:26Okay, yeah.
29:27At One Night Stands.
29:28March 19th to the 21st at One Night Stands.
29:31Stan is the name of the owner of the club.
29:33It's like Stan, like Eminem Stan.
29:35Right.
29:36Do you Eminem?
29:37I love Eminem.
29:39No, do you do an impersonation?
29:40Oh, do an impersonation Eminem?
29:41Yes.
29:41My Eminem impersonation.
29:43Does it sound like Tracy Morgan?
29:44It sounds like Adam Sandler.
29:45I'm the realest M. Shady.
29:47Shady, Shady, Shady.
29:49That was terrible.
29:50I'm sorry.
29:52Yeah, One Night Stands this weekend.
29:54So Thursday.
29:55And I know Christina and Joe are going to strike them on Thursday.
29:58Oh, yeah?
29:58Yeah.
29:58Oh, right on, man.
30:00Yeah, it's going to be – it's always a lot of fun, and I'm inviting Detroit people
30:05that I've met here over the years.
30:07I'm inviting – and I feel like an asshole for saying this.
30:09I know he's a very famous hockey player, but Darren McCarty?
30:13Never heard of him.
30:14And Darren McCarty – the one thing I always feel like with people in Detroit is everyone
30:19that I've met seems to think that Darren McCarty would back them all up in a fight.
30:23Like, Darren McCarty apparently is that guy you want in a fight to back you up.
30:29Well, he's a legend here.
30:30Yeah.
30:30And so there's been some wonderful Detroit people I've met over the years.
30:35So have you met DMACC before?
30:36Yes, I've met him before.
30:37I do a charity event here in Detroit every year, and he's always – twice now, he's been
30:44a part of it.
30:45And we kind of bonded over recovery because we're both in recovery.
30:49But every time I've talked to him, I walk away and people go, you know who that is,
30:53right?
30:53You know who that is?
30:53And I go, like, dude, he's one of the greatest fighters, man.
30:56Dude, that guy's a legendary Red Wing.
30:58And so I've heard these stories about him, but I was never a hockey fan until maybe a
31:03few years ago living in Vegas, and the Vegas Golden Knights really kind of –
31:07Yeah, that's how me and Vinnie Paul bonded.
31:10He would text me about a week before he died.
31:12He texted me for like an hour after the Golden Knights lost the Stanley Cup.
31:17Really?
31:17Yeah, because he would just go crazy over it.
31:19He'd text me about hockey.
31:20I'd say, hey, man, let's do an interview about the new record.
31:22Nothing.
31:22And, hey, did you see that goal last night?
31:23Oh, my God.
31:24Could you believe that?
31:26Wow.
31:27That's hilarious.
31:28Yeah, man.
31:29I'll tell you the longer story.
31:30But I kind of felt like I overstepped my bounds at one point in an interview.
31:35And it's kind of a long story.
31:36But I got a – at the time, I was playing with some of the NHL guys, and Nick Lindstrom
31:40was
31:40a legendary player.
31:41Yeah.
31:42Signed a picture for him to Vinnie and blah, blah, blah, blah.
31:44I had it framed, gave it to him, and that was like – that sealed the deal on our friendship.
31:48No shit.
31:48Yeah, so –
31:49Have you ever had a moment where you get a phone call and it's blocked and you go,
31:53hmm, hello?
31:55And it's a famous person?
31:56Not a famous person, but I have had some blocked phone calls, and I usually don't answer them.
32:00So who did you have?
32:02Well, for me, it's – I don't pick them up anymore because it's either a famous person
32:07that I'm not prepared to talk to or an old Coke dealer I used to hang out with.
32:11But there was one time I was sitting at a Long John Silver's, of all places, and it's
32:17a private number, and I pick up and I go, hello.
32:21And I had just worked with this guy on a TV show.
32:23I hear, hi, Craig.
32:25It's Alec Baldwin.
32:27I'm sitting here with Andy Garcia, and we want to hear your Al Pacino impression.
32:31And I was like, oh, yeah, let me – get some hush puppies.
32:36All right.
32:37Yeah, what do you need?
32:38And I walked outside, and I just – I felt so put on the spot that I was like, man,
32:42I
32:42don't, you know, I don't want to talk to that person right now.
32:45And, like, I got to be in a mindset where I can handle talking to somebody and being
32:50put on the spot to do impressions and stuff.
32:52So I don't like being put on the spot.
32:54Well, I'll tell you what.
32:55But I will definitely get a hold of DMACC, and we'll see if – he's got a pretty busy
33:00schedule.
33:00But I'll get a hold of him and see if we can't make it to a show Friday or Saturday
33:03night.
33:04Yeah, man.
33:04Yeah, man.
33:05I was going to hit him up and invite him out.
33:06There's a bunch of really wonderful people I've met in Detroit that I was going to invite
33:09out.
33:11And let's see if we can get Bob to come out to his show.
33:13Yes, that's going to happen, too.
33:14I'm going to text him right now.
33:15All right.
33:15I think he'll get a kick out of it because I do have a funny story about a prank call
33:20that
33:20I made that made its way back to Bob.
33:23You're talking about Seager or Kid Rock?
33:25Kid Rock.
33:26Yeah.
33:26Who – he had a funny reaction to – I made a prank call to – I was at a
33:33radio station
33:34in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and they said, hey, let's make some prank calls with your
33:38impressions.
33:39And we called a bunch of people as different celebrities.
33:42We called Michael Moore, the director, who's from Michigan, and we got his voicemail.
33:48No one picked up, so I ended up leaving voicemails.
33:51And for Michael Moore, I said, I said, hi, Michael, it's Al Pacino.
33:58I am hoping that you can get a hold of a phone number from me for the greatest actor of
34:08all
34:08time, Steve Guttenberg.
34:11Police Academy 1, 2, and 4.
34:14Forget about it.
34:16Give me a call and leave me Steve's number.
34:19Hoo-wah.
34:19Beep.
34:20And then I called a bunch of famous Michigan people, and then we called the bass player
34:28for Pop Evil, who's from Grand Rapids.
34:31Yeah, my friend, Matt.
34:33Matt – what's Matt's last name?
34:36Oh, God, now you're putting me on the spot.
34:37Yeah, Matt, my friend.
34:38I haven't seen him in a couple years.
34:39He's not in a band anymore.
34:40He's not in a bass player anymore.
34:41Yeah, yeah, yeah.
34:41Really nice guy, really funny.
34:42Great guy.
34:43And so I call up Matt, and I go, boop.
34:48Dude, I'm at this Gene Simmons from KISS.
34:53I'm looking at my records right now at the KISS Army Fan Club, and it seems you haven't
34:58paid your dues for over six years.
35:00The band owes me $78.22.
35:04You either pay me now, or I'm going to make you suck Paul Stanley's dick.
35:10And then –
35:11Matt Dorito.
35:13Matt Dorito.
35:13And years later, I am at a – I'm in Minneapolis to do press for some shows, and the night
35:20I get in, much like when I saw you, I find out there's a concert.
35:23It's Steel Panther.
35:24I know the guys in Steel Panther.
35:26Hey, man.
35:26And they always ask me to go on stage and do something, and I find out the opening act
35:30is Pop Evil.
35:33And I knock on the door for Pop Evil, and someone goes, yeah, just go in.
35:38And I go, okay.
35:39I open the door, and I go, hey, guys.
35:42Weird story, but my name's Craig Gass.
35:45I'm a stand-up comedian, and I prank called one of you guys a few years ago, and Matt looks
35:50at me and goes, are you Gene Simmons?
35:52And I go, yeah.
35:53And he goes, dude, holy shit.
35:55And he goes, we played the Download Festival in England.
36:02He goes, we used that as our intro tape.
36:05And I said, shut the fuck up.
36:07And he goes, no.
36:07He goes, you said something about suck Paul Stanley's dick, but you did it like really
36:10loud.
36:11He goes, it's like, you leave, you pay us, or we'll make you suck Paul Stanley's dick.
36:17Like, and he's like, and I go, you're fucking kidding me.
36:23And he said he played it for Kid Rock, and then Kid Rock was like, fuck this guy.
36:27Let's call him right now.
36:28And like, you know.
36:29That's funny.
36:30Yeah.
36:30I'll see him soon enough.
36:31Maybe we'll call you.
36:32Who knows?
36:33All right, dude.
36:34Well, have a great time at the show this weekend.
36:35I'm going to try to get DMACC out there, and I'll see you Friday or Saturday, whenever.
36:38Yeah, dude.
36:38I'm excited about it.
36:40Fuck yeah to the riff.