I Was Married To A Monster For 30 Years

Unfiltered Stories

Join us in this episode as our guest Karen DeArmond Gardner recounts the time she was married to a violent husband for 30 years. Karen shares her journey and how her partner turned into a monster in front of her eyes.  #domesticviolence #marriage #survivorstories #trauma #survivalstory   Follow Karen here:  FB: https://www.facebook.com/anotheronefree/  IG: https://www.instagram.com/karendearmondgardner/  TT: https://www.tiktok.com/@anotheronefree  Threads: https://www.threads.net/@karendearmondgardner  Website: www.AnotherOneFree.com   Thank you for watching Unfiltered Stories! We offer a platform for our guests to speak openly about their life stories and journeys, shedding light on the challenges they faced and the resilience they've shown.   Our mission is to raise awareness about survivors by delving into their stories, exploring the impact of their experiences, and how they've managed to heal and rebuild their lives.  By sharing these stories, we aim to break the silence surrounding those challenging memories and create a compassionate environment.   🌅 FOLLOW US 🌅  Facebook ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredFB  Tiktok ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredTT  Snapchat ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredSN

Transcript

00:00I am Karen DeArmond Gardner. I walked away from a 30-year abusive marriage. I was 20 years old.

00:08High school friend introduced me to this guy. All the while, it was learning your secrets,

00:15your boundaries, your non-negotiables. There was this other guy that was hidden beneath the facade.

00:22So this naive girl gets married after two and a half months. He did not turn immediately into a

00:28monster. It's happened slowly, steadily over time. He moved me away from my family and we live close

00:35to his family. So I became isolated. It was always the put downs, assault on your character, on your

00:43personality of everything that you did and that you do. It was assault. So the first year I went home

00:50and he was kind of mad before I left. But when I got back, he had to punish me for

00:55going. He kicked me.

00:56I didn't react. That's hard to look back on to realize that you didn't think that this wasn't

01:02okay. I went looking for something that was in our basement. I couldn't find it. I had one thing

01:07from my father and I went looking for it. And his response was, oh, I might have accidentally thrown

01:14out that piece of luggage. Only I realized years later, he knew exactly what was in it. By time that

01:20we had kids, you were kind of stuck in it. I didn't even honestly acknowledge that I was in an

01:26abusive

01:26relationship. I cannot tell you how often the physical abuse happened. Sometimes physical abuse

01:33wasn't a punch. It was squeezing your fingers or they hug you, but it's really tight and uncomfortable.

01:41It's not loving and comforting. Or they squeeze your leg or they yank on your finger. You, all these little

01:49tidy things are happening that seem so inconsequential in the moment and you never equate them. His hitting

01:58always had a purpose. It could be also the times of just throwing a plate next to your head, making

02:05you sleep on

02:06the floor or not allowing you to drive his car, sleep in his bed or eat his food. After a

02:14couple of years, I walked

02:15away because I couldn't anymore and went back to the high school self that I was. I was just so

02:21disappointed in

02:23myself and especially in God. What kind of God would allow this to happen? The kids still weren't always aware.

02:29They just

02:29knew that sometimes dad wasn't happy. He was a cheater. 1982, he became a law enforcement officer. Sometimes

02:36people say, why didn't you call the police? And I'm like, because he was one. All of our friends were.

02:40I'm

02:41in a home where I should have felt the most safe and I was not. And he was wicked cruel.

02:47We were married

02:48for 30 years, four months and two days. Something small happened. He came home and for some reason I

02:53was cleaning in the bathroom and I broke a lamp. No big deal. But it set me into a panic.

02:58So when he came

02:59home, I tell him that I broke the lamp and he just went off. And it was summertime and it

03:07was hot. He threw me

03:09out of the house and he told the kids, do not let your mom in the house. So they would

03:12give me a drink, a diet

03:15coke, water. For the first night, I slept in the cab of our pickup truck. Shortly after that, he came

03:20out and he locked

03:21the cab of the pickup truck so I couldn't sleep in it. I walked to a friend's house. I had

03:26to walk to a gas station to go to the

03:28bathroom. Sweaty, nasty, gross, dirty. But I walked to a friend's house and it turns out she wasn't home

03:36because I was going to tell somebody. She's the only person I trusted and she wasn't home. And so I

03:41walked all the way back and I don't even know how many miles this was. It was a few. I

03:45came back and that

03:46night my kids gave me, I got a sheet from them and I slept on the porch under a sheet

03:51because of the

03:51mosquitoes. And I called in to work to tell them I couldn't go to work. I didn't want the neighbor

03:56across

03:56the street to see. And I was on my knees begging him to let me come in to get ready

04:02so I could go

04:02to work because I needed to go to work. And he did. And then I walked three miles to work.

04:06And he even

04:07said to me one time, it's my job to punish you. And I looked at him and said, no, it

04:13is not your job to

04:15punish me. I am not your child. But I made excuses for him all the time. I made so many

04:23excuses for him.

04:24He had a bad day. He didn't really mean it. I made excuses to my kids of why dad is

04:31acting

04:31like he was. And things just really did up and through their high school years were just not

04:37good. If he wanted to hit me, he would goad me. He would pick and pick and pick and pick

04:43until I

04:44would blow up. And then it gave him a reason to hit me. It was 2003 winter. He got mad.

04:50I came home from

04:51work. I walked home in the snow. He wouldn't let me in the house. So here I am outside, freezing

04:56cold,

04:57snow. I'm just so angry. All of a sudden I fell. I hit a patch of ice and I went

05:04down in my left arm.

05:06I knew it wasn't right. I had the forethought to take off my rings because I had a feeling that

05:11they

05:11were going to swell up. I'm just sitting on the steps and I'm just rocking and crying and sobbing.

05:17And he comes home and he opens the door and I follow him in the house. And I said, I

05:21fell

05:22and, and I think I might've broke my arm. And all of a sudden everything changes and he's being nice.

05:28And he loads me in the cruiser and takes me up to the ER on the wall. I see a

05:34sign that says,

05:35are you in domestic abuse? Has all these things listed. And I'm like, like, I'm going to tell you

05:40when he's sitting right here in the room and he's dressed in his uniform and all these nurses know him

05:44and everybody likes him. Now, when my son found out, he thought that his dad had broken my arm

05:51and he did in a roundabout way. When my son called my daughter, she thought I was dead.

05:56One of the things in all this time is that we always moved. He would leave a job because,

06:02you know, everybody was a problem except for him. He would change departments. We were in constant debt.

06:07So that was the impossibility to stay. So in 2003, we ended up filing for bankruptcy,

06:12which was to me so horrifying, but was actually, I realized was the best thing that ever could happen.

06:19It was a setup that I didn't even know was coming. On our 29th anniversary in 2003, August 24th,

06:26he came home. He was working. The shift he was on was like from the afternoon to like three or

06:32four

06:33in the morning and he came home sometime in the night. He got so angry at me and he assaulted

06:39me.

06:40He just started wailing on me and he had never done it this way before. This was our 29th wedding

06:45anniversary and he wailed and he wailed and our son was living with us at the time and he kept

06:50going

06:51and he told me to get my stuff. I guess I grabbed my purse and he just shoved me out

06:55the door, my shoes,

06:56and I just started walking. I stayed at my daughter's for a couple weeks and then I went to

07:02Michigan to see a friend from college and I spent a couple weeks with her. In that time, I was

07:08away.

07:09He got right with Jesus because he had changed. I thought I was supposed to go back. I thought he's

07:16a different guy. He's telling me all the stuff, but there was something inside of me that didn't want to

07:20go. The whole two weeks I was with my friend. He had to call me every single night and every

07:25time I called,

07:26such a knot in my stomach. He ended up telling his boss, the sheriff, that what he did and he

07:32went

07:33to court and he got a misdemeanor with a $50 fine and he lost his job. That's all I was

07:38worth is a

07:39$50 fine. I stood by him and he lost his commission as law enforcement so he could never be law

07:44enforcement

07:44again. Thank goodness now. And he was different. I gotta tell you, he was different. He wasn't abusive.

07:51He didn't put me down. He was nice. But by June of 2004, I came home from work and I

07:57came in and I

07:59was so excited because I had just got a huge bonus and a raise. And I looked at him and

08:05I'm telling him

08:06and he looked straight ahead, never acknowledged that I said anything. And in that moment, I knew I

08:12was done. I didn't know what to do about it at that point, but I knew at that moment, this

08:17man was no

08:18longer worth my time, my effort, anything. Because I realized I had fallen out of love with him when

08:25we had been married 10 years and he had that affair that I was making myself thinking that I loved

08:32him.

08:32So then August 30th anniversary, day before, he was just awful, awful all day long. He could just

08:39spread you with this word. His favorite one was, if someone kidnapped you, they would get you under a

08:44streetlight and they'd let you go, implying that I was ugly, that I was fat. And I gotta tell you,

08:49the only time that I was overweight was when I was pregnant. But he, on the other hand, was way

08:55overweight. And then on the day of our anniversary, we go out to eat and it's like, oh, it's our

09:0030th

09:01anniversary. Oh, look at us. And people are like, oh, wow, how amazing. It was just the show that you

09:06put

09:06on. September of 2004, I get a magazine in the mail. It was a Christian women's magazine.

09:12And I'm reading through it. And there's this article about domestic abuse. And I'm reading this

09:19unbelievably horrified at what I'm reading. Because in 2004, people didn't talk about this,

09:24especially in Christianity. And here's this article. My daughter calls me because she was getting the

09:30same magazine. And she calls me and she goes, mom. And I go, yes. She goes, did you get your

09:35magazine?

09:35Yes. Did you read that article? Yes. It's dad. Yes. And so my mom came up in December for my

09:42daughter's graduation from college. And she was staying through the holidays. He just made everybody

09:47uncomfortable with his silence and just being himself. So the week before Christmas, at some

09:53point, I obviously said to her, I want to leave. We prepared because mom was staying in the bedroom.

09:59We had this small bungalow house. So all of my things were in the extra bedroom, my vanity where I

10:06put on

10:06my makeup and all my clothes were in this other room. Her plan was she came up and said, hey,

10:11Karen,

10:12I've been buying so many Christmas presents. Do you have that extra suitcase that I bought you

10:16or that I gave to you? And I'm like, yeah, well, let me get it for you. So I gave

10:21it to her because

10:22that all happened in front of him. And she started packing all my clothes when she would go into her

10:28room at night to sleep. She was packing my clothes all week long. Christmas night was the worst night

10:35ever. After everybody went to bed, he berated me. He wouldn't let me go to sleep, kept me up till

10:40three o'clock in the morning. And he just went on, if you ever cheat, I will kill you. If

10:45you ever do

10:46this, I will kill you. It was on and on and on and on. It's just words out over and

10:51over and over again.

10:52And that was probably the main thread that he would say periodically, if you ever cheat on me,

10:56I will kill you. And I woke up at nine o'clock in the morning. And as far as he

11:00knew, mom and I

11:01were going to church. We went, grabbed all our stuff, threw it in the trunk of the car,

11:06and the battery was dead, would not start. And I was freaking out. And my mom's like, Karen,

11:11stop, Karen, Karen, I'll call AAA. And so we went a block away to a little like gas grocery store

11:20type

11:20place. And when the tow truck driver showed up, I said, I'm running away from home.

11:25And do not wake him up. And so they got the car started. My mom drove it back over and

11:30we left.

11:31And I was gone for a week. And then I came back because I had a job and I was

11:36on vacation and I

11:37had to come back. I did not see him for 24 days. So January 18th, he knew where I was

11:43going to be.

11:43I was leaving these friends house and I looked at my rear view mirror and I saw his vehicle

11:49and I locked my door. I panicked. I was in a panic and I locked my door. And just as

11:53I locked it,

11:54he walked up in traffic and tried to open the door. And then he's like, I want to talk to

11:59you.

11:59And I'm like, no, I do not. And the light changed and I took off and left him there. And

12:06I started

12:06driving to the apartment that I was staying at with a friend. And when it occurred to me,

12:11I cannot take him to where I live. So I kept driving. The sun dropped and it was dark. I

12:18drove

12:18eight miles and he being a law enforcement officer, he knew how to tail a person. He stayed on my

12:24tail.

12:24I kept praying for red lights. I am screaming. I'm crying. I have my daughter on the phone and I

12:31don't

12:31know what to do. And I just completely lost my mind. He ran red lights so he could stay on

12:37my tail.

12:37And I mean, he was literally just bumper to bumper. Then he forced me, we're in a more of a

12:43neighborhood type place. And he forced me into this neighborhood. And it didn't occur to me

12:47to honk my horn, to even call 911. None of this occurred to me. And my daughter's finally going,

12:55mom, call 911. He turned and our cars crashed. And he has this really old pickup. It's made out of

13:01metal.

13:02So it's not fiberglass like they are today. And, and I'm trying to back out and rip the mirror off

13:10of

13:10the car, trying to get away. And he jumps out and he comes out and he is a big guy.

13:19He pulls back his

13:20arm in front of him and to get full force to, and he elbows the driver's window. It should have

13:28shattered. And it didn't. His arm literally bounced off and he almost punched himself in the face. And

13:34by this time I'm dialing 911. And he just looks at me. So are you calling the police? I just

13:40looked at

13:41him and he walked away. This whole drive, this whole adrenaline, everything, I'm just freaking out.

13:48And I'm trying to tell the police where I am. And I don't know where I am. And I had

13:52to drive a little

13:53to see a sign down the street. And so he's standing there and the cops show up and there's two

13:58of them.

13:58And one talks to him and one talks to me. And the officer looks at me and he said, has

14:04this happened

14:04before? I couldn't admit it. I was just silent. I was just silent. I couldn't. And he goes, ma'am.

14:10And I said, yes. And he said, do you want me to arrest him? And I remember looking down the

14:16street

14:16and I thought my first thought was he would be so mad. And I said, no, one regret. I said,

14:24because I'm leaving. I'm moving to Texas and I'm leaving. So the officer said that they kept him

14:29there and I ended up going to my daughter's. And the next day I flew to Texas and never went

14:37back.

14:38And that was 19 years ago. At the time, what I was feeling mostly was anxiousness and fear

14:45because I had stopped feeling a long time before this. When I went to my family's house and I started

14:52telling them the stories of what my life was like. I mean, I knew it was bad, but the looks

14:57on their

14:57faces told me it was so much worse than I knew it was. So fast forward 19 years, I am

15:0570 years old.

15:06I still grapple with that one, but I am proved that when I started over my life, I was 51.

15:11I was 51

15:12years old when I started over and had a career for the first time in my life. I started discovering

15:17through that time who I was. The healing was happening, but most of my healing, I will admit,

15:23has happened in the last few years as I've grown in awareness of who I really am, even who God

15:29really

15:29is. At some point during the marriage, I got right with Jesus and it transformed my life. I would not

15:37have gotten through those years without the Lord, but even now, I recognize just how little I knew

15:43about who He was because abuse, it deforms what we know about God and who He really is. And it

15:49takes

15:50a lot of time to deconstruct all those beliefs. I'm an advocate for women. I help women in the

15:57aftermath of domestic abuse, whether he hits you or not, coercive control, whatever it is. Sometimes I

16:03talk to women as they're leaving and they're trying to figure out what to do and they're doing the back

16:07and forth. They don't know if they should go. I never tell them what to do, but I walk through

16:13hell

16:14with women because they don't know what's real and what's normal when you come out. They don't know what

16:20to do. They don't know. They're so angry at themselves, at God, at Him. And as Christians, you may have

16:28been taught it's not right to be angry. You don't want to be bitter. Well, sometimes you need to be

16:33angry and you do need to be better. It's a process you have to walk through. And I had no

16:38one to walk

16:39through it with me. Yes, my family was there for me, but they didn't know what to do. They had

16:42dealt

16:43with this. I realized, looking back, I never knew what love was. I never loved my ex-husband. He didn't

16:49love me because that's not love. For those of you that are not sure if you're being abused, if you

16:55have

16:55to ask the question, you probably are. And it's really hard to leave. And nobody can tell you to leave.

17:00We can't. My mom never forced me. She never told me I should. She left it up to me. But

17:06it is so

17:07hard. Leaving is hard, but it's worth it. And it may take you six or eight times to leave and

17:15to stay

17:15gone because we just want to believe that they're really not that bad. When you're dealing with the

17:21emotions that you think might be bad, well, I need to forgive him. No, you don't. There's a time for

17:27that.

17:27Later. Right now, it's all about you, where your heart is, and taking care of you. Because I can tell

17:34you, justice is more about your heart than it is with him getting punished. God cares more about our

17:44hearts. He's for the vulnerable. And I will tell you, we've been taught that God hates divorce. And I'm

17:51telling you he loves you more than he hates divorce. And he loves you more than he loves marriage.

17:57Because people are what's important. People that are broken. People that are shattered. Children and

18:03women are more important to God than marriage. And I know we have not been taught that often that

18:10marriage, you've got to protect the marriage. You've got to stand by your man. But what if that's all wrong?

18:15What if everything you've been taught is wrong? And what if everything that you're feeling is right

18:21and normal? Though it may not be forever, but it is your now. And I can guarantee you,

18:27God is as angry as you are at what the abuser did. And this was not part of his plan

18:33to make you a strong

18:34woman. That's not part of his plan. He does not put us in abusive situations so that we can be

18:40a better

18:40woman. That's not what his, that's so against his character. What makes you the woman that you are

18:46will be the healing that you choose to do. That's what brings the beauty out. Not your pain. It's the

18:52healing from the pain that makes us beautiful. The book that I wrote that came out in 2021,

18:57which is Hope for Healing from Domestic Abuse, is not a memoir. It is a, when you are ready to

19:05heal,

19:05that's what my book is for, is to take you through that healing process. It's to help you to know

19:11what is real and what is normal. And even though it's 12 chapters, it doesn't mean that everything

19:17happens in a step-by-step. And it's the book I didn't want to write. And I put enough of

19:23my story

19:24in there so that women will know that I know what they've experienced. But there's enough of it in there

19:33that women can find their own stories within my book. And the goal of my book is to help women

19:40heal

19:41because that's the most important thing. Because I've met women who have been out for 20 or 30 years

19:47who still act like they end the abusive marriage. They have never healed because they didn't know they

19:53could. And not everybody can afford to do a therapist. Not everybody has access to resources.

20:01And so my book is the book that I needed when I came out that I didn't know I needed.

20:07And again,

20:07it's Hope for Healing from Domestic Abuse.

20:11Thanks.

20:15And happy to hear what ways of祝福 andixeira

Category

Transcript

Comments

Recommended