How I Overcame An Abusive Relationship

Unfiltered Stories

In this episode of Unfiltered Stories, we tell the story of Michelle Brinn, a military woman who fell victim to an abusive relationship. After moving in with her now-ex-husband, Michelle later realized that he had been controlling her and had begun to act violently and abusively toward her.   #Inspiring #TrueStory #UnfilteredStories   Thank you for watching Unfiltered Stories! We offer a platform for our guests to speak openly about their life stories and journeys, shedding light on the challenges they faced and the resilience they've shown.   Our mission is to raise awareness about survivors by delving into their stories, exploring the impact of their experiences, and how they've managed to heal and rebuild their lives.  By sharing these stories, we aim to break the silence surrounding those challenging memories and create a compassionate environment.   🌅 FOLLOW US 🌅  Facebook ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredFB  Tiktok ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredTT  Snapchat ➮ https://tinyurl.com/UnfilteredSN

Transcript

00:00Hi, my name is Michelle and I'm going to tell you my story about how I overcame an abusive

00:04relationship. I'm originally from South Jersey. I was in high school during like the 2008 market

00:10crash. Once finances kind of just became tight for literally the entire country, I kind of realized

00:16that college was going to be a tough expense. So I started looking into the military. So sure enough,

00:23I landed myself in the recruiter's office at the ripe age of 17, signed that paperwork, and I

00:29was at bootcamp I think five days after my senior year graduation. The Marine Corps was a very

00:37interesting experience and the military service across the board, I think for women overall and

00:43generally speaking, can be a different level of challenge. I struggled physically a lot and

00:50emotionally the Marine Corps I don't think was probably the best pick because I had some less

00:56than ideal experiences. But my specific MOS or job was was wonderful because it was public relations.

01:04I thought that I was going to basically spend my life in the Marine Corps, but I ended up getting

01:10pregnant with my daughter and I didn't like the idea of raising a young baby in the military. So

01:19I made the decision to get out, but I was able to transfer my skills that I learned in the

01:24military

01:25and ended up taking the photography skill and turning that into my full-time career now. So

01:29I've been doing that since I got out. So I kind of was just going to live that photographer mom

01:35life

01:35in Southern California if I was 22. So right. And so during that time, I had also started to really

01:42get into fitness. The gym that I started going to is where I met my ex. He, he worked there.

01:49So I wasn't actively dating. He pursued me heavily. He asked for my number from someone at the gym,

01:57and it was very friendly at first. And he seemed very low key and non-threatening. So we met at

02:05the

02:05gym. We started hanging out a little bit, but he just would not give up. So he was texting me

02:11all the

02:11time, pursuing me all the time, always asking me to hang out. He very quickly jumped right into the,

02:17I love you's the, I want to be with you forever. You're, you're perfect for me. True love bombing

02:22straight from the beginning. And he encouraged, um, you know, moving in together and made these

02:29really grand promises. So I'm a young single mom in Southern California, struggling to stay on my feet.

02:35And so he proposed an option. His family had a family business in North Carolina and, um, you know,

02:44they were willing to open up an additional store front for him to own and operate and run and manage,

02:50and that I could come then work with them and be a part of their basically family business.

02:57Somehow I fell for that, but in my head, it made sense. I was like, okay, the schools are good

03:02and

03:03it's family oriented and I have a job. And he said, he'll, you know, pay for the rent and,

03:10you know, help support and blah, blah, blah. And so we did it and we moved across the country.

03:16I think very quickly when we arrived in North Carolina, things started to feel a little funny.

03:23The promises that he made me immediately started to fall through. So the family business was not

03:30ready. So I couldn't come work there. So now I'm home with a baby and I don't have a job

03:37and I left

03:38all of my clients behind in California. So I don't have any new clients and it's not easy to just

03:44go

03:44find all of these things and make it happen. So now I'm basically stuck at home with my small child

03:50who's, you know, she was 18 months at the time. And so I did very quickly start to feel stuck

03:55and he

03:56would kind of like blame me for making the decision. He would say like, you didn't have to

04:01come with me. I was going to do it anyway. And that was like the first instance of like the

04:07gas

04:07lighting that I noticed. It was like, you didn't tell me you were going to do this anyway. You said

04:12you were doing this for me, like for us so that we can build this together. And he would say,

04:18well,

04:18no, I didn't. So now I'm over here. Like, did I misunderstand what he was saying? As my career

04:24started to take off and I was getting better clients, he would say little things like, you

04:29know, oh, you don't know how to do the business side of things or, oh, you're not making enough

04:33money. Or if I did make money, he would ask for that money and say like, oh, well, you didn't

04:38contribute on rent. His financial situation was always very secretive and any opportunity he could

04:45find to make me pay or convince me that I had to pay or ask me to pay for things

04:52or come up with an

04:53excuse on why he couldn't pay. He would always capitalize that on that. And he made a significant

04:58amount, way more money than I did. And so it was just this really confusing dynamic. You know,

05:04at this point we had been together for over a year and I'm asking like, hey, what's the next

05:09step in this relationship? Like I'm trying to work. Do you want me to come work at the store? Like

05:14what

05:14we originally talked about. And that's when he started giving me these like weird pushbacks,

05:18like these parables of like, well, you know, just show up or, you know, like, oh, I can't watch Abby.

05:23But then all of a sudden he could watch Abby if I'm working at the store, but not if I

05:27have a

05:27photography session. So I start trying to seek out like babysitters and people who can watch my

05:33child while I'm working. And then he would come back and tell me like, oh, well, they can't watch Abby.

05:40I don't trust them. Or do you even know that person? They're not even your friends. So every time I

05:44would

05:44try to like make a new connection, he would tell me that that person isn't trustworthy.

05:48And so I don't really trust myself at this point because he's been telling me every person I'm

05:52bringing into our lives is not a good fit for us. My ex was just a heavy, heavy, heavy user.

05:59In California, obviously that's not really a bad thing. Even back in 2009, it was legal.

06:06And then naturally too, like if you're, you are the company that you keep. So he would sort of tell

06:11me

06:11like you should try. It doesn't do to me what it does for other people. I get like next level

06:20paranoid and not a paranoid, like, oh my gosh, people are watching me. It's like my thoughts

06:26just go spiral. So he would encourage me to a lot. Once he got me to like start to open

06:32up about

06:32like those traumas, he would like strategically place these conversations in small increments

06:37throughout the day. And then like 12 hours later would bring up a very small portion of the

06:43conversation. And then I would elaborate and he'd be like, we never talked about that before.

06:47Maybe I did just have that thought. Maybe I didn't say it. And then he would do the same thing,

06:52but in the reverse and be like, I knew you were thinking that I just read your mind.

06:57And then he started to say things like, oh, I was actually abducted by aliens and these like

07:06really strange, elaborate stories. And he'd be like, I think I actually have these telepathic

07:13abilities to be able to communicate to people through their mind. And then he would tell me

07:21like the next day when we're not like, we didn't even have that conversation. What are you talking

07:25about? And then he started to tell me that I was falling into deep depression. It was shortly

07:32after that. I told my mom that I didn't want to be in this relationship. Something felt weird.

07:37And I said, I don't think I'm happy in this relationship. I don't feel quite right.

07:42I think I want to come home. Like, I think I want to go like live with my parents.

07:47And my mom was just like, what do you mean? You're doing great down there. Everything seems fine.

07:52Like, he's nice. Hearing from like, you know, my mom, who has been supportive of me, like my whole

07:58life, tell me that like, everything looks really great from the outside made me think inside. I'm

08:04like, okay, it's probably just me. I went home that day. And I poured my guts out to him. And

08:11I said,

08:12like, you know, I'm not happy. You know, and something's just not right here. Like, you know,

08:17what do you want from me? And that's when he completely flipped the script. He's like,

08:21I go to work every day for you. This is why I'm here. I work for you. And so I

08:28immediately fell

08:29right into that. And I'm like, wow, I'm an idiot. One of the main red flags for me was he

08:36would wake

08:37me up in the middle of the night, like 2am, 3am, 4am, and just have his way with me. And

08:44I'll tell him

08:45to get off of me. And then he'll just kind of like, you know, try to like seduce me into

08:49it.

08:49And then, you know, I'm half asleep. Like at that point, I'm just like, all right, just like,

08:53get it, whatever, just get it over with. You know, I don't care if you've been married 50 years,

08:58you can't consent while you're asleep. And I said, no, I said, stop. And you still just try to like,

09:04keep going with it. And he'd be like, Michelle, I see you as my wife. Like, I'm going to be

09:09with you

09:10forever. You need to see it that way. Like we share the bed together. That's part of sharing

09:16the bed. I just wasn't strong enough in myself to stand up and be like, absolutely not. I didn't

09:22say yes. And it was that night after that conversation that I was crying in the bed.

09:29And I was still processing all the things that he said to me that he came in and very much

09:37forced himself on me. And I verbally said no, but he would not take no for an answer.

09:50And that's when everything really started to change. That's when like the gaslighting turned

09:56on to like the next level. So I fell into like an actual depression after that. I couldn't sleep

10:05for a couple of days and he noticed. And so then he would start to wake me up in the

10:11middle of the

10:11night and say, why'd you leave that light on? And I would say, what light? And he'd be like,

10:17I didn't turn the light in the closet on. And then he would get up, flick it on and be

10:22like,

10:23it's on. Why'd you turn the light on? And I know that sounds so crazy, but when you are sleep

10:31deprived and depressed, and I'm like your brain, just like the brain chemistry is changing.

10:39You shove sexual assault on top of that at an abusive relationship where, you know,

10:45they're screaming at you every day. And so at this point, he's getting mad at me regularly.

10:49He started punching holes in walls. If I ever tried to argue back, there were a couple of times

10:55where he would just like shove me into the wall. And then, you know, our sexual intimacy started

11:01getting really, really aggressive where he would grab me and hold me by my neck and, you know, just

11:07continue to like to force it on me. I started losing a lot of weight and I was definitely just

11:14like talking about needing to like spiritually cleanse myself. And I said that I was like,

11:21I think I'm hearing things from, from above, like, you know, something's going on. That's when,

11:27you know, he took it upon himself to say like, oh, I'm really concerned about her mental health.

11:33And so then my parents were just like, oh, obviously we trust your opinion. Like you spend

11:37the most time with her. He started like calling my mom regularly saying like, Michelle hasn't slept.

11:43She's not sleeping at all. I don't know what's going on. I think she's hearing voices.

11:49And then when he started telling my mom that he thought I was hearing voices,

11:52he started saying to me, Michelle, I know you're hearing voices. I know you are. I know that you

11:59are, but you're too smart to admit that you're hearing voices. And when you're sleep deprived and

12:06you've been told that you're crazy and add on to that, whatever. He says, you need to go see a

12:12doctor. But then in the same breath, he's like, but you can't, you can't go to the psychologist

12:17because they might take Abby away. So don't worry. It's fine. You're fine, Michelle,

12:23but I know you're hearing voices. In the summer of 2016, it got so bad that I literally ended up

12:28in the hospital. You know, they told him at the time that I might be bipolar. And so he really

12:35latched onto that diagnosis. So we broke up for a short period of time after the hospital. I went and

12:41lived with my parents for a little while. Then he came back and visited us in New Jersey and

12:46encouraged me to like come home. He was like, Oh, I miss you. Come back. You know, the love bombing

12:50phase, whole thing. So I moved back to North Carolina and very shortly after that, I got

12:56pregnant. Um, so I got pregnant with my son who's now almost five. So this is about five years ago.

13:01Um, and we had a quiet ish year. It wasn't easy. Um, but it, you know, obviously I no longer

13:10at all. So he couldn't trap me in my spirals. So I had been seeking out some therapy, um, you

13:18know,

13:18through after I had my son and, um, our relationship was just very rocky. And it got to that point

13:25when

13:25my son was about one where I was like, Oh, you know, like, are we going to get married? Like,

13:30what's the next step in our relationship? It's building up my business again. I was doing well.

13:34So he proposed in December of 2019. And so we're excited. And I was excited. Something still felt

13:42a little weird. Something fell off. Then 2020 hit and we all know what happened in 2020. So our

13:48wedding plans got put very much on hold with 2020. And we are obviously we're all forced to be in

13:54the

13:54house together. So that's when like the abuse, like really started to ramp up again for a long time.

14:00I just convinced myself like, Oh, it's just part of life. It's just part of life. It's part of life.

14:05But at some point enough is literally enough. So I got my own house and I decided, I was like,

14:12I'm moving out. I'm doing it. Hired movers. I moved a couple miles up the street. I let him

14:17know the night before. It's like, I'm moving out. I can't do it. And he was like, okay, great.

14:21We're going to be great co-parents. About a week goes by. And then he started asking every day.

14:26And then it would be like, I'm picking Cooper up at five. I'm like, Oh, well,

14:30we've got plans. Like we're going X, Y, Z. Like I'll bring him to you after. And he'd be like,

14:34no, no, no. Like I'm right around the corner. I'm getting it now. Like, no, no,

14:36like we have plans. He said, Michelle, you're making this so complicated. Why do you have to

14:40make it so complicated? You're not letting me see my son. So this was like two weeks of this where

14:44he's just randomly asking, changing plans last minute. So on my birthday, a couple months prior to

14:50this, he threw my phone, slammed it, smashed it. So then my birthday present was a new phone.

14:57You know, naturally I need my, I need my phone back. And I'm like, no, this is my property.

15:03Like, and I, so I, I put my phone in my bra. You know, that's like what girls do. I'm

15:08like,

15:08no, I'm leaving. I'm done with this conversation. That's it. And so this is when it starts getting

15:13like really physically aggressive. So he comes at me, bear hugs me, throws me on the ground.

15:19He's trying to like rip my hands apart. He rips my pants. It's like trying to pull me apart.

15:23It's not letting go. I'm able to like kind of just finagle my way out. And I just

15:27dart out the garage. Thank God my neighbor was outside mowing the lawn and I'm all disheveled.

15:33I got bruises on me, red marks. My pants are ripped. So he calls 911. He ends up getting arrested.

15:39Spends a couple of nights in jail. Court happens. He manages to like talk to his family, whatever.

15:45His family's like, you need to drop those charges. You need to let this go. And he's like,

15:50Michelle, I didn't touch you. You fell to the ground. So he manages to like love bomb the crap

15:55out of me and convince me that I escalated the situation. The state's pursuing him either way.

16:01So it don't matter. So he ends up getting convicted of, you know, domestic. It's like a misdemeanor

16:06or whatever. We end up working on it. We kind of got back together. Unfortunately, now we're into 2022.

16:13So he's really ramping it up. But now he's doing the mind trick stuff again. So this has been the

16:18last

16:18like year of our relationship where he's just constantly saying, I'm over it. I want to leave

16:24this relationship. I don't want to be with you. I don't want to be with you. You don't do enough.

16:28It's never enough. It's never enough. It's never enough. So I'm the sole provider for my kids.

16:32Like I pay for everything. So I've been successful enough in my business to, to be able to like afford

16:38to live. Only thing he's paying for is the rent of the house. Everything else is in my name.

16:44Now he's telling me I need to leave and get out of his house and I need to get out

16:48of the house.

16:49And I'm like, no, like me and the kids live here. All of our things are here. Everything in this

16:53house

16:53is mine. You need to leave. So obviously he's like, no, it's my house. You got to get out.

17:01Whatever. So that goes on for like months. I'm just like, I need to find my, I need to get

17:07right

17:07with God. I need to be right with Jesus. So I finally get to this point in this relationship with

17:11him

17:11where I'm like, we're not having sex with each other. We need to be married. Our wedding never

17:17happened in 2020. If you don't like it, you can leave. And I believe that a lot of our issues

17:22stem from this. For me, he agreed. Right. And we were pursuing couples therapy. And so we,

17:29two weeks go by, he's getting itchy, you know, of course. And he decides to revert back to his old

17:36ways and forcefully take it while I'm sleeping. And so I wake up in the middle of this happening

17:43and I'm crying because at this point I've been asking for, for Jesus's guidance, for help, for

17:53like, I want to cleanse myself. And he just stole that from me. He woke up profusely apologizing.

17:59I'm broken all over. I was sexually assaulted in the military. So this is, all of this is

18:05very triggering for me. So he comes to the house and he says, you can't come home. You cannot come

18:11to my house. You can't come back to my house. You're already gone. Stay gone. At this point now,

18:15he like threatens my life and says, all hell will break loose, Michelle, if you step foot in that

18:24house. Do not come back to that house. And this is like a heated argument. I took those threats very

18:29seriously. He's not on the birth certificate of our, of our son. I have full legal rights at this

18:36point. And so I told him the next day, okay, I'm not coming back. And he's like, okay, good. Within

18:40a

18:40week I left and I was gone. And I said, peace out beach town. And I'm starting my new life.

18:46About two

18:47weeks later, he files for emergency custody of our son and gets granted, um, based on me being a flight

18:56risk saying that he believed I was going to leave the state and that my bipolar was acting up seven

19:03years ago. He's bringing this back up. And, um, my son who I've never been away from for more than

19:1024

19:10hours was ripped from my arms for two months, refused to let me talk to him and refused to let

19:17me see him.

19:18But thankfully, when we finally got our court date, the judge saw through it and realized that they didn't

19:25have a case and that he in fact was the abuser in the situation. And I, you know, got him

19:32back. Um,

19:33that doesn't mean it's over, you know, all of my friends and family, um, that I have, and I'm now

19:38making new friends where I'm at are very happy to see me pick up the pieces and, and start over.

19:45I'm

19:46starting to shoot more photography and, and find new clients in my new area. And I got a new job.

19:53My

19:53daughter's a competitive gymnast. My son's in the program that I work at. We're just very happy to

19:58be in a refreshed version of our lives that we can really call our own and be completely separated

20:04from what we were setting up before. My advice for people who are experiencing

20:11any level of abuse, just advocate for yourself, stand up for yourself in the moment, draw a boundary

20:17immediately and follow through in the beginning. Once they know they can challenge your boundaries,

20:24that's where your weakness is. And also tell your story. There was a long time that I didn't tell my

20:30story to my family and my parents, and that ended up biting me because they believed the other person's

20:38story. Thank you so much for listening to my story. I hope that it inspires others to leave if they're

20:46ready to

20:47leave. Love yourself above all else and put yourself first and continue to push through and know that

20:53you're not alone. And there's always somebody there to support you. And if you need support, please feel

20:59free to reach out. You can find my links below if you need somebody and also if you want to

21:04follow my life

21:05or my photography from here.

21:08Like that you're doing.

21:09You

21:11You

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