- 9 hours ago
Tv, Father Ted - S01E06 - Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest
Father Ted TV Series 1995-1998
Father Ted TV Series 1995-1998
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Short filmTranscript
00:07These really do work, don't they, Dougal?
00:09Oh, you're right there, Ted.
00:10Thanks.
00:11Thanks.
01:14So then, you're a nun.
01:18Right, Sister Monica, I've left your bags in the hall.
01:20I thought before we dropped you at the boat, you might like to go and see the Holy Stone.
01:23The what?
01:24The Holy Stone of Clonrickard.
01:25Oh, great.
01:26It's one of the holiest lumps of rock in Europe,
01:28and you can get these magnificent souvenir combs there.
01:31They're fantastic combs.
01:32I got this one last year, and you can see there they've written,
01:35I saw the Holy Stone of Clonrickard.
01:38The stone is great.
01:39We've seen it, I think, about 300 times.
01:42Well, why not?
01:43It'll be right off the weekend.
01:44If you thought the Ludo night was exciting, this'll drive you right over the edge.
01:50It's all been leading up to the Holy Stone.
01:53What's so holy about it anyway, Father?
01:55It's just a general kind of holiness, you know.
01:57Father Dougal stood beside it there once for about ten minutes,
01:59and you got a great sense of serenity.
02:01Yes, I got a great buzz off it.
02:05Well, why is it called the Holy Stone of Clonrickard?
02:07I thought Clonrickard was in Fermanagh.
02:09It is.
02:11The Holy Stone was up there,
02:13but it wasn't doing great business.
02:16So, a treat in store for you.
02:17Well, wonderful.
02:19That'll be wonderful.
02:20I'll just go and freshen it.
02:27She'll be putting on make-up, I suppose.
02:31Impress the lads, huh?
02:35I know, she's probably just going to the toilet.
02:38Our nun's great, though, Ted.
02:40It's good, because you don't feel as nervous with them
02:42as you do with real women, do you?
02:46Ah, you're right there.
02:48Even though I only got the courage to talk to her a few minutes ago,
02:50it's nice to have a nun around.
02:52It gives the place a bit of glamour, huh?
02:56A woman's touch.
02:58Anyway, listen, I'd better go on and rouse Jack.
03:01I'll tell him we're off.
03:17Ted says you were touching him.
03:26Father Jack, you all right there?
03:28Ready for another day?
03:30I'm off with Sister Monica now.
03:32If the milkman calls,
03:33the money's under the statue of our Lord being embarrassed by the Romans.
03:36All right, then?
03:37Would you like a cup of tea before I go?
03:41Good morning, Father.
03:43I know you won't mind us leaving you alone,
03:45because Father Dougal got that new video for you.
03:47Reservoir Dogs.
03:50It's probably not as violent as the ones you usually like,
03:52but sure, well, give it a go.
03:56What are you doing?
03:58This looks very bad, Ted.
03:59What?
04:00He's very drunk.
04:02Still, it must have been at it all night.
04:04Where does he hide it?
04:05I don't know.
04:06I haven't seen it this bad since that wedding in Clonus, Ted.
04:08Do you remember?
04:09Then he disappeared off with Sister Imelda.
04:11God, yes, the blue nun.
04:15Oh, no, Ted.
04:16Look at this.
04:18Oh, God, hold this.
04:21Father, this is very bad.
04:23Do you not remember what the window lean did to you?
04:25Father Jack, Father Jack, are you there?
04:28Ted.
04:29Imagine the damage floor polish would do you.
04:30My dear God.
04:32Ted.
04:33What is it?
04:34I'm in tremendous pain, Ted.
04:37Put it down, then.
04:39God, Dougal.
04:40Come on, we'd better get him.
04:41Get him under the arms.
04:43Come on, now, Father.
04:44Come on, you can't have Sister Monica seeing like this.
04:46Come on, big steps.
04:47What's the matter?
04:48There you are, Sister Monica.
04:49That's just Father Jack's motor.
04:52Takes a little time to get going in the morning.
04:53He doesn't look well.
04:55Oh, he's grand.
04:56We're just taking him on a little trip to the toilet.
04:58We'll be going on a little trip to the toilet, Father.
05:00Put him down there in that chair and we'll have a look at him.
05:04He doesn't like to be fussed over.
05:05Well, I really think he should let me look at him.
05:11Oh, holy mother of God.
05:13He's dead.
05:14What's the problem there, Sister?
05:17Father Jack, he's dead.
05:19There's no pulse and he's stoned cold.
05:21Come on now, Father.
05:22You're not dead, are you?
05:23He's very definitely dead.
05:25Come on, Father.
05:26The joke's over.
05:26Father, he's gone.
05:28I think you should go and get help.
05:30And Father Dougal here can give the sacraments.
05:33Right, well, I'll call Dr Sinus,
05:35but frankly, I think you're making a big fuss about nothing.
05:47The last rites, Father.
05:50All right, yeah, of course.
05:52Shouldn't we wait for Ted?
05:53Well, there's no need, really.
05:55Is there any anointing oil?
05:56No, I think himself drank it last week.
06:01You sure you wouldn't like to do the honours yourself?
06:03What?
06:04No, of course not.
06:05I suppose I'm wearing the trousers as far as this job goes.
06:10Right.
06:14Well, we are gathered here today to join two people.
06:19Oh, sorry.
06:20That's not it, of course, yeah.
06:23Well, Father, best of luck.
06:27Oh, of course, yeah, there's more.
06:30Sorry I didn't get a chance to see you off.
06:33I don't know if I should be talking to you down here or up there.
06:36I look up there.
06:38So anyway, you're there now with our Lord and Stalin and Bob Marley
06:42and the rest of them
06:44and, of course, my own parents.
06:47Actually, I'd like to take this opportunity to say hello to them.
06:50Hello, Mammy and Daddy.
06:54I hope they're looking after you up there.
06:56It's a Latin, Father.
06:58All right, yeah, yeah.
07:01Totus, tuus, minimus, canis, costa, corta, baggio, Roberto.
07:09Oh, did you ring the doctor, Father?
07:12Right, well, it looks bad, all right.
07:13I called Dr Sinich, I gave him the symptoms over the phone
07:16and he said he's probably dead, all right.
07:19The pulse not being there is bad enough,
07:21but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.
07:25That happened to my uncle and he was fine afterwards.
07:28His heart's stuck for how long?
07:30Eh, a week.
07:31A week, really?
07:32And he was fine afterwards?
07:34Actually, no, now I think of it, he died.
07:45I think it's absolutely great to see.
07:48I mean, the level of commitment amongst the African church
07:52in bringing the faith to the people is just wonderful.
07:55It's marvellous, isn't it?
07:58Sure, I wouldn't know I'm from Donegal.
08:04Will you have a sandwich, Father Cleary?
08:07Oh, no, thanks, Mrs Doyle, I'm fine.
08:09Have a try, they're diagonal.
08:11Oh, so I see, but, uh, no thanks anyway.
08:15Ah, go on, sure, they're only small.
08:17No, no, I'm glad.
08:18Are you sure you won't have one?
08:20No, thanks, Mrs Doyle, I ate before I came out.
08:23Would you like one for later, I could put it in a bag?
08:25Ah, no, no, don't bother, no, no.
08:26Here's a little bag you can bring one home in.
08:29No, no, no.
08:29And here's a bigger bag you can put the little bag into.
08:32And you can eat it later, you can eat it now if you want,
08:35whatever suits you.
08:36Ah, you'll have one now.
08:40Ah, sure, I might as well.
08:42Mrs Doyle?
08:44I think Father Mackey would like a sandwich.
08:47Father Mackey, will you have a sandwich?
08:51Oh, I'm terribly sorry I'm late, then.
08:54Oh, the car, oh, the car broke down.
08:58That's all right.
08:59Father Faye, how are you?
09:00Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
09:03He is, it was very quick.
09:05Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
09:08Ah, yes, I suppose so.
09:09Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
09:11In New Zealand and a sister in South Africa.
09:13Oh, why, he said, why is it always the good ones?
09:18Oh, oh, oh, oh, you bastard.
09:22Now, Father.
09:24He could have been Pope, Ted.
09:27But the fucking Jesuits, they have it all tied up.
09:31Yes.
09:31Imagine, Ted, a Polish Pope.
09:35It should have been Jack.
09:37But it's not what you know, is it?
09:39It's who you know.
09:42Ah, it's sad.
09:43But look at him there.
09:44He looks quite serene.
09:45Oh, God, no.
09:47No, no, no, no.
09:50He's dead, Ted.
09:52Oh, we'll never see him again.
09:55We'll see him in the next world.
09:57Oh, yeah, sure.
10:00Oh, God, no.
10:02Get him down, get him down, get him down.
10:06OK, smart.
10:08Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
10:27Back off, give me lots of drink, horse, back, drink, oh Ted you big fool, what are you
10:39doing, Dougal, I don't think you should be getting up to this kind of nonsense, come on now, up you
10:43get, you should leave his chair idle for a while, did you ever look at that, it's completely bald, smooth
10:50as a baby's behind, you'd know all about that Ted, what, you know when you're baptising them, the babies, oh,
10:58now I'm going to give Sister Monica a lift, down to the boat, thank you father, oh no, it's the
11:04least we could do, you're always very good to father Jack, it's the least we could do, excuse me father,
11:09father Crilly, there's a woman here to see you, a woman Mrs Doyle, I think you mean a nun, oh
11:15no, no, no, no, it's a woman all right, a young woman, with a skirt, I'll be off then, hello
11:26father Crilly, yes, I'm from Corliss, Corliss and Sweeney, oh, we're fine for coal thanks,
11:33no, it's nothing to do with coal, my name is Laura Sweeney, and this must be father Maguire, anyway, I
11:43think you both better sit down, I've got a bit of a shock for you, before you say anything, I
11:47want to assure you, that that was just a routine relocation of funds, oh no, no, no, the money was
11:51resting in my account, before I actually put it on to the, no, you don't understand, this is about father
11:56Hackett, now please, sit down, and I'll explain everything to you,
12:04now, it may come as a surprise for you to learn, that father Hackett left a will, did he, what
12:09does it say, well, if I may, I father Jack Hackett, being of sound mind and body,
12:21sorry, leave my entire fortune to father Ted Crilly, and father Dougal Maguire, to be distributed equally amongst them, and
12:31I'll be, I'll be off now then father,
12:37I'll make the way to the boat myself then, yeah, yeah,
12:43Bye fathers, yeah, bye,
12:46Look at this dude, father Jack left us money, that's very nice of him, how much,
12:53half, half, half a million pounds,
12:57half a million pounds,
12:58each,
13:01oh no, between us,
13:07it's only a quarter of a million each Ted,
13:16so that's that,
13:18looks like you're going to be very rich men,
13:20grand,
13:21there's just that sole requirement, which I'm surprised father Hackett didn't discuss with you himself,
13:26oh,
13:27when is the funeral again,
13:28again, well, we haven't had the first one yet,
13:31so,
13:32no,
13:33er, sorry, maybe I didn't make myself clear,
13:36it's tomorrow morning, right, well, you know about father Hackett's terrible fear of being buried alive,
13:43well, there's no chance of that now, is there, I mean, you know, like he's dead,
13:46oh yes, he was terribly frightened of that, that's why he wouldn't do confession,
13:50he didn't like enclosed spaces,
13:52of course, he also just didn't want to do it,
13:55a load of strangers telling you their sins,
13:57sure, who'd be bothered with that,
13:59well, father Hackett's fear,
14:02father Hackett's fear was so great,
14:04that he stipulated that you two must spend the night before the burial with him,
14:07okay, all right, yeah, I suppose that's the least we can do,
14:10anyway, we can discuss it with the solicitor,
14:12no, I am the solicitor,
14:18no, you're not,
14:21I'm sorry, but I'm the senior partner in Corliss, Corliss and Sweeney,
14:26now, come on now,
14:28just because we're from the island,
14:29do you think you can have a bit of fun with us,
14:32I assure you,
14:34all right, all right,
14:35the big tickle's from the island,
14:38but we're not as thick as we look, eh,
14:39no way, Jose,
14:41now, wait a second,
14:43why do you think I've been talking to you for the last hour and a half,
14:46look, you're a lovely girl,
14:48but I really think we should talk to the solicitor,
14:51if you're a solicitor,
14:53I'm Boy George,
14:56Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Chameleon,
15:00you come and go,
15:02you come and go,
15:04Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma, Chameleon,
15:09oh, how's your head, Ted,
15:10not too bad,
15:12but it's true what they say about these career women,
15:14they're very aggressive,
15:16yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted,
15:18oh, and the language out of her,
15:20you wouldn't hear it from a docker,
15:21ah, you would, they use very bad language,
15:25effing this and effing that,
15:27it was worse than that, Ted, she was saying fuck,
15:28now, Dougal,
15:34anyway, who'd have thought Father Jacket half a million pounds,
15:39and he never said a word about it,
15:40there it was,
15:41lying in a bank account all these years,
15:43how did he get it all in the first place,
15:46well, as far as I understand it,
15:47he was just an astute saver,
15:48he tried to avoid giving money to charity,
15:51he would wear trousers during the summer,
15:53that obviously saved a couple of bobbin wear and tear,
15:55all sorts of little savings here and there all over the place,
15:58it all adds up, you know,
16:00I suppose we only really knew him in his twilight years,
16:03but I think we saw the best of him,
16:06a really lovely man,
16:08a true knight of the church,
16:09gentle,
16:11lovely sense of humour,
16:13patient,
16:14good-natured,
16:15sorry, Ted, who's this now?
16:19who do you think I'd be talking about at this particular moment, Dougal?
16:23well, I'm not sure, I didn't catch the start
16:26Jack, of course,
16:28all right, Jess, yeah,
16:31a great priest,
16:33first priest to denounce the Beatles?
16:35that's right,
16:36he could see what they were up to,
16:39and he loved children of course,
16:41oh, he did, yes,
16:42they were terrified of him though,
16:45well,
16:45he had that stick, you know,
16:46and he'd be waving that stick,
16:47and sure, maybe they thought he'd hit them,
16:49I heard when he was teaching in St Columns,
16:51that he was a great believer in discipline,
16:53I'll catch your voice in the room,
16:55I'll catch your voice in the room,
16:55I'll catch your voice in the room,
16:56I'll catch your voice in the room,
16:57I'll catch your voice in the room,
16:58I'll catch your voice in the room,
16:58what you say he was a good teacher?
17:00A friend of mine had him,
17:02Father Jimmy Ranable studied under him for a couple of years,
17:05and he told me once, he said,
17:06no one, no one had such a huge effect on him as Father Jack,
17:11Father Jimmy Ranable,
17:12oh yeah,
17:13whatever happened to him,
17:14do you remember the Drumshambo massacre?
17:16Yeah,
17:17that was him,
17:18oh,
17:20another thing about Jack,
17:21he loved a bit of competition,
17:24he had a great sense of fair play,
17:36and a great traditionalist,
17:37he didn't agree with a lot of the modern thinking within the church.
17:41You'll burn for all eternity in hell!
17:49Funny,
17:50one moment you're here,
17:52the next moment,
17:54and in the happy no time of his sleeping,
17:57death took him by the hand.
17:59You know,
18:01someone once said,
18:02that life is but a thin sliver of light
18:04between two immensities of darkness.
18:07It makes you think.
18:08It does, Ted.
18:11About what?
18:14About death, Dougal,
18:15about death!
18:16That's very morbid, isn't it, Ted?
18:18What started you off thinking about death?
18:20what a good moment.
18:22Oh,
18:22God!
18:30Still,
18:32it's good we have this time with him,
18:33hm.
18:34Maybe sometimes we aren't always as thoughtful as we could have been.
18:38But at least now we're able to have this time with him,
18:42treat him with the respect he deserves.
18:44Ah, you're right there, Ted.
18:50Do you fancy an old game of charades?
18:52Yes, I think so.
18:54Right, though, you go first.
18:56Right.
18:57I'll start.
18:58I'll give you an easy one with it.
19:01Eh, fishing.
19:03Eh, go on fishing.
19:04Something to do with boxing.
19:06Eh, one-handed boxing.
19:08You're not supposed to tell me, Ted.
19:14OK.
19:17Film.
19:19One film.
19:22One word.
19:23Come on, Ted, you're making it a bit too easy for me.
19:26I'm not an idiot, you know.
19:28Right, one word, film.
19:29Can't be too many of them.
19:30Salem's Lot.
19:34Eh, tongue.
19:35Eh, mouth.
19:35Teeth.
19:36Eh, is there a film called tongue?
19:38Tom-tongue.
19:39No.
19:39Eh, tonguefish.
19:42Swim tongue.
19:43Eh, fish.
19:45Attack of the Giant Killing Fish.
19:46Tongue.
19:47Tonguefish.
19:47Eh, the deep.
19:49Piranha.
19:50Jaws 2.
19:51Eh, oh, close then.
19:53Eh, eh, eh, Ghostbusters 2.
19:57Superman 2.
19:58No, eh, Batman Returns.
20:01You had it.
20:02It was Jaws.
20:03No, I had Jaws 2, Ted.
20:04It's a different film.
20:05It's a very different film.
20:06It's a different shark.
20:12Ted, are you still awake, Ted?
20:14Yes.
20:15Yes.
20:17I just wanted to ask you a question.
20:19Oh, not again, Dougal.
20:21Look, when a man and a lady are very much in love, then...
20:25No.
20:27No, I didn't want to ask that, Ted.
20:29I just wanted to ask you, do you believe in an afterlife?
20:33Do I what?
20:34Do you believe in an afterlife?
20:37Well, Dougal, generally speaking, priests tend to have a very strong belief in the afterlife.
20:42Oh, I wish I had your faith, Ted.
20:47Dougal, how did you get into the church?
20:49Was it like collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?
20:56Ted.
20:58Dougal, please let me go to sleep.
21:01I was just wondering, what are you going to do with your share of the money?
21:05Well, I, uh...
21:07Luckily, there are always lots of charity organisations that are grateful for money.
21:11There's Concern, St. Vincent de Paul, Food for Africa, Help the Aging.
21:26And, uh, maybe a few pounds for comic relief.
21:29So, some good will come from Father Jack's death.
21:32It's hard to believe he's gone, though, isn't it, Ted?
21:35Ah, you're right there.
21:42It's beginning to snow again.
21:44The flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight.
21:47It's probably snowing all over the island.
21:51On the central plain.
21:53On the treeless hills.
21:55Falling softly upon the graveyards.
21:57Upon the crosses and the headstones.
21:59Upon all the living.
22:02And the dead.
22:03Shut the fuck up!
22:05Ted!
22:06Ted!
22:07What's wrong, Ted?
22:08Father Jack, did you see what happened?
22:09Ted!
22:12What happened, Father Jack?
22:13What?
22:14Ooh!
22:22So, there he is, risen from the dead, like that fella E.T.
22:31There's one thing that confuses me, though.
22:34Yes?
22:34Is Jack dead, then, or what?
22:39Apparently not.
22:41The floor polish brought about all the symptoms of death, such as no heartbeat, rigor mortis,
22:47decomposition.
22:49But he was lucky.
22:50The effects just wore off him.
22:52It's good to have him back, though, isn't it?
22:54Hmm.
22:56Who needs half a million pounds, anyway?
23:00Yes, sir.
23:01Our life is the spiritual life.
23:05But to be honest, I don't like talking about this.
23:09But it's only a matter of time.
23:11I mean, he's not a young man.
23:13And, you know, I suppose, when he's gone, it won't be so bad.
23:19The money will be some kind of comfort to us.
23:21Well, that's something.
23:23Now, you better come down to the shops with me.
23:25I want to buy some more floor polish.
23:29Maybe we should get a few different brands, you know, just to try them out, like.
23:32Yes, sir, we can leave them all around the house, so they won't get lost.
23:35Or we could keep them in Jack's room and ask him to keep an eye on them.
23:42Drink!
23:47Take off!
23:50Take off!
23:51Take off!
23:52Take off!
24:02Take off!
24:06Take off!
24:07Take off!
24:09Take off!
24:09Take off!
24:13Take off!
24:16Take off!
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