- 2 weeks ago
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TVTranscript
00:01All right, everyone.
00:02I'm heading out early for my dentist appointment.
00:04Clean teeth or happy teeth.
00:05Good luck, boss.
00:06Oh, um, I thought that the bite suits
00:09would be back by now from the dry cleaners.
00:10If they're delivered by EOD,
00:12would you guys mind putting them in the closet?
00:13Absolutely. Yeah, totally.
00:15Okay.
00:21Hello, everyone!
00:22Look, he's closed! Let's go!
00:25Let's go!
00:26Come on, Frank!
00:29How are you not falling down?
00:31I've got a 14, 25 pounds of muscle on you!
00:34Well, center of gravity, baby.
00:35This weeble won't wobble.
00:43Hey, no fighting!
00:44Actually, I guess that's kind of what the suit's for.
00:47That's okay. Chunk away!
00:48Hey, guys. I just forgot my wall.
00:54Do you guys ever work even a little?
00:57You know, in many ways,
00:59this is your fault for trusting us.
01:01I'll see you next time.
01:03See you next time.
01:07I'll take care of you.
01:10Bye!
01:19Bye!
01:20Bye!
01:22Bye!
01:22Bye!
01:32Okay, one more thing.
01:33I have noticed that some of our adoptable cats
01:36are getting a little bit chunky.
01:38Okay, let's not body shame the animals.
01:39Trust me, the shame is not with the cat.
01:41Okay, meeting adjourned, unless anyone has anything else.
01:44I got something.
01:45Why are you drinking Shred's coffee?
01:49Oh, whoops-a-doodle-doo.
01:51I must have picked up the wrong drink in the kitchen earlier.
01:56Yeah.
01:56Yeah.
01:57Been looking all over for this.
01:59There you go.
01:59Mm-hmm.
02:00Just get these cooties off, right?
02:02Mm-hmm.
02:07Forgot I ordered six shots of espresso.
02:11Yeah.
02:12So good.
02:12Now you remember.
02:13Okay, we're done here.
02:15Uh, Frank, I still need your paperwork
02:17for the 24 animals you brought in for the Jack Bauer.
02:20I would do it, but stapler's broken.
02:23Okay, you have been making excuses
02:25not to do this paperwork for weeks now.
02:27Each moment I waste on paperwork, another animal dies.
02:30You're making this office into a Sarah McLachlan commercial.
02:33That's inaccurate and also very dark for 8 a.m.
02:36I just need the paperwork by the end of the day, please,
02:38and find another stapler.
02:40Wait, wait, wait.
02:40You don't think I've thought of that?
02:42Because they're all broken.
02:44That's not possible.
02:46Oh, my God.
02:47This one's just a top?
02:50What are you guys doing to these things?
02:52Okay, well, you don't need a stapler
02:53to finish the paperwork,
02:54but I will put in a written request
02:57to the supply warehouse.
02:58Can't you see?
02:59We are hostages to bureaucracy,
03:02filling out forms to get stuff we need
03:04to fill out forms we don't want to.
03:07We can't live like this.
03:08We have to rise up.
03:10Who is with me?
03:11I'm not with you because it's a stapler.
03:15Just do your paperwork.
03:19I'm in.
03:21You missed the moment, Patel.
03:22I mean, we had momentum.
03:25Wait, that coffee cup snafu?
03:27Way too close.
03:28Yes, listen.
03:29Next time, I will make sure they don't write my name
03:31on both coffees when we have a sleepover.
03:33I am just really scared that we're going to get sloppy
03:35and then people are going to find out
03:36and then I'm going to have to wear the scarlet pee
03:38for power dynamic imbalance.
03:39Okay, hey, you're spiraling a little bit.
03:41It might be the gallon of coffee you drink every day, huh?
03:44I'm literally vibrating right now.
03:46That's because you're a candy-ass green tea boy.
03:48I'm so sorry.
03:49I think I'm in withdrawal.
03:51It's okay.
03:52Victoria's the only one that knows
03:53and she's a vault.
03:54Yes, but that's only because
03:56she doesn't have anyone to gossip with.
03:57I mean, it's the exponential rule of gossip.
03:59When two people know something,
04:00they talk, someone overhears,
04:01and then the rumor mill is fully operational.
04:04Oh, God.
04:05Hello?
04:05What the hell was that coffee cup fiasco?
04:08Might as well take your tops off
04:09and motorboat each other.
04:10You guys are so lucky that I have no one
04:11to talk to about this.
04:12If I could, I would.
04:13I'd be yapping.
04:14What did I just say?
04:15Exponential rule of gossip.
04:16She did just say this.
04:17Lock it up, okay?
04:19And stagger your exits.
04:20We know.
04:21Okay, we're not that sloppy.
04:23Hey, Trekkie.
04:24I just got a call from Wellington Prep,
04:25and they...
04:26Do they want my blood?
04:27I paid my tuition.
04:28I know I did.
04:29Actually, there's a loose squirrel
04:31in the building.
04:32Oh, well, how did the squirrel
04:33get in for free?
04:34Dude, talk about something else.
04:35Please, let it go.
04:36Yeah, Patel, I know that's your kid's school.
04:38Do you want the call, or is that weird?
04:40No, I want it.
04:41I 100% want it.
04:42Actually, because I can't wait
04:43to go and see the...
04:44Eddie?
04:45No, God, no.
04:46There's a cannon that they fired
04:48high noon.
04:48Great, they should point it
04:49at the squirrel and save us a trip.
04:51But then we'd want to see that too,
04:52wouldn't we?
04:52That'd be nice.
04:58Probably got the rhythm
04:59for this holding me down.
04:59Watch this.
05:02So you're still on hold
05:03with the supply warehouse?
05:04Supply warehouse?
05:05No, what are you doing?
05:07We're cutting through
05:07the red tape of bureaucracy
05:08with a 10-year-old pair
05:09of rusty safety scissors.
05:11You do not call
05:12the supply warehouse, okay?
05:13Arnie, the warehouse manager,
05:14has to be handled
05:15very delicately,
05:16or he buries your request
05:17at the bottom of the pile.
05:19I'm going to get this done.
05:20That's why you brought me in.
05:21I didn't bring you in.
05:22Jiminy Crickets,
05:23I am this close to getting
05:24the Scandinavian label maker
05:25that I requested
05:26four months ago.
05:27It does fonts.
05:28And are we in Blue Man Group?
05:30Could you just stop drumming,
05:31maybe?
05:31Sorry, I forgot
05:32I was doing it, so...
05:3310.38, good time
05:35for a second lunch.
05:36Play me out, then follow.
05:39Whoa, this place is so nice.
05:41All of the toilet stalls
05:43still had their doors.
05:45Vice Principal Richardson.
05:46Hello.
05:46Nice to see you.
05:47Don't worry, we've captured
05:49this interloper.
05:50You, straight to detention.
05:52Hey, Mr. Patel,
05:52I'm glad you're here,
05:53and not just for the rabid squirrel.
05:55Oh, no, this squirrel isn't rabid.
05:57She's just in heat.
05:58Probably ran in here
05:59to hide from all the males.
06:00I wanted to express my condolences
06:02on the loss of your uncle.
06:04I hope Addie's back in school soon.
06:06Well, thank you so much
06:07for saying that.
06:08I'll pass it on to her.
06:10Good seeing you.
06:11I didn't know your uncle died.
06:12I'm so sorry.
06:13Oh, he's perfectly alive.
06:14I just didn't want her to know
06:15that I'm raising
06:16a filthy little liar.
06:18No.
06:18Mm-hmm.
06:20She's at a muffler shop.
06:22That little...
06:22No, it's moving.
06:24She's at a boutique.
06:25Eddie's skipping school
06:26to go shopping.
06:27Maybe I do like it.
06:29Nah, I don't.
06:31So I had a crazy idea.
06:32For lunch,
06:33instead of going to a bar
06:34and watching TV
06:35like we usually do,
06:36we get a booth,
06:37maybe make a little eye contact,
06:39talk about...
06:40Shred, we're not going to lunch.
06:41We have our most dangerous assignment.
06:43What?
06:43Acquiring a state-issued
06:45$8 stapler without paperwork.
06:46Emily specifically said
06:48not to talk to Arnie.
06:49You know, blind devotion to me
06:51used to be your greatest quality,
06:52but something changed.
06:54Something shifted.
06:55Like, when did you start
06:56drinking espresso?
06:57I'm very cosmopolitan, actually.
06:59You think that focaccia
07:00is a country.
07:02Six espresso shots
07:03is Emily's unhinged order.
07:05No, no, no.
07:06Twas but a barista's error.
07:08Wait, and another thing.
07:09You used to spend,
07:10I'd say, 80% of our truck rides
07:11pining over Emily,
07:13but now that you're both single,
07:14you're not a peep.
07:16No.
07:16No, I'm just over her, man.
07:18Okay?
07:18Like, I watched her blow her nose
07:20and look at it.
07:21It was freaking gross.
07:22Does espresso make you sweat?
07:24Is that...
07:25What?
07:26Where'd you get that?
07:27From home.
07:28That's like an adult,
07:29regular bandage.
07:31You only wear ninja turtles.
07:33Who's this at?
07:34Mine?
07:36Emily's.
07:37You're having secret sex
07:38with the boss.
07:42Ah!
07:43Ow!
07:45I'll take that as confirmation.
07:50Okay.
07:51Thank you for picking me up.
07:53That hurt a lot more
07:54than I thought it would.
07:56All right.
07:56Here's the deal.
07:57I'm gonna need you to not say
07:58anything about me and Emily.
08:00You are underestimating
08:01just how disinterested I am
08:03in your love life.
08:04Yeah, brother,
08:05I need you to sheath
08:05that sarcasm sword,
08:07and I need you to promise me
08:08you won't tell anybody,
08:10especially Emily.
08:11This whole thing's already
08:11got her on edge.
08:12Oh, I won't tell.
08:14I mean, if you go
08:15to the warehouse with me.
08:17Frank.
08:18Blackmail?
08:18Come on.
08:19You're better than that.
08:21I'm not.
08:25Hi.
08:26Frank Schraub.
08:26We've seen 22.
08:27This won't take long.
08:28Just need a box
08:29of full strip staplers
08:30and tundra gray.
08:32Interesting.
08:33I didn't see a requisition
08:34form come through.
08:35No, I didn't submit one.
08:36Not really a paperwork
08:37kind of guy.
08:38That's unfortunate.
08:39I mean, is it necessary?
08:40It's just a stupid
08:41piece of paper.
08:42Ah.
08:44Now you install my forms.
08:47I'm going to have to
08:48politely ask you
08:49to leave.
08:50Or.
08:53Or.
09:03I'm sorry.
09:04This is kind of
09:04freaking me out.
09:05Can we just leave
09:06and maybe I'll buy you
09:07a stapler?
09:07I'm in the middle
09:08of a staring contest
09:08right now
09:09and you just made me
09:10realize how dry my eyes are.
09:11Damn it.
09:12Yep.
09:12Let's go.
09:13Are you sure she's here?
09:15Because like these clothes
09:15are quite cool.
09:17See that blue's so
09:18interesting.
09:19Hi ma'am.
09:20Can I offer you something
09:21from our you should be
09:21in school collection?
09:22I knew I should have
09:23left my phone in my locker.
09:24You tell me why
09:26you're not in school
09:26right now
09:27or I'm going to do
09:28the K-pop dance
09:28right here for everyone.
09:31Oh you don't believe
09:31Oh my god.
09:32Stop.
09:33Fine.
09:34I'm being bullied.
09:38By Zoe.
09:40She's like the most
09:41popular girl in school.
09:43Dad, her mom lives
09:44in France.
09:46Yeah and I live
09:46in constant fear
09:47that your pants
09:48are on fire
09:48because you are
09:49a liar liar.
09:51Can I watch you
09:51burn socks for one second?
09:53Exactly what you're doing.
09:54Stay there.
09:55Over here.
09:56These are lovely
09:57aren't they?
09:58Eddie's 100%
09:58getting bullied.
09:59Oh don't be a sucker
10:00she just wants to
10:01waste my money
10:02in a different location.
10:03You want to know
10:03how I know this?
10:05And it might blow
10:06your mind.
10:07I was a bully.
10:09Yeah that's
10:09I just assumed
10:10that you were
10:11gone after Eddie
10:12on day one.
10:13Look at her.
10:16She's wearing
10:17both halves
10:17of a best friend's
10:18necklace.
10:19And I just see
10:20a really normal girl
10:20with a really hot dad.
10:22Okay.
10:22I know what I'm
10:23talking about
10:24because I was a monster.
10:25They wanted to make
10:26a documentary about me.
10:33Okay.
10:36Yeah it was a tough break
10:37but hey
10:38let's go get that
10:39bro lunch.
10:40We're not going to lunch
10:41until I pry open
10:42the window of
10:42government inefficiency
10:43and take what I deserve.
10:44Wait are you talking
10:45about breaking and entering?
10:46A B&E?
10:47You're talking B&Es right now?
10:49I can't do a B&E Frank.
10:50Oh yes you can
10:51unless you want me
10:52to tell your very
10:53neurotic girlfriend
10:54that I know a secret
10:55that'll rip her world apart.
10:56What is your end game Frank?
10:58I mean let's say
10:58you get the stapler
10:59you're still going to
11:00have to do that paperwork.
11:01Oh well.
11:02I've got thousands
11:03of excuses.
11:03Hand cramp,
11:04religious holiday,
11:05back cramp.
11:06I can kick this down
11:07the road until retirement.
11:08You're insane brother.
11:09And it sounds like
11:10you're cramping a lot.
11:11We've got to get you
11:12some potassium supplements
11:13or something.
11:14What I've got to get
11:14is an accomplice.
11:16Fine.
11:17Let's get this over with.
11:21Okay.
11:22You got this kid.
11:24You got dad.
11:25Alright.
11:26Stay strong.
11:27No.
11:28Yeah.
11:29I really hope she crumbles
11:30because if she transfers
11:31schools I save so much money.
11:33You don't know what
11:34Zoe could do to her
11:35long term.
11:35To this day I still
11:36get messages from women
11:37saying that little Vicky
11:38ruined their lives.
11:39Well I certainly
11:40don't want that for Addie.
11:42Yeah.
11:43God you know what
11:43it just wrecks me
11:44that all the swagger
11:45like skipped a generation.
11:47Right?
11:48The swagger.
11:49Looking fire.
11:52That must be her.
11:53You know what
11:54I'm going to go talk
11:54to the vice principal
11:55ask her to make an announcement
11:56to the entire school.
11:57and then they all find out
11:59at the same time.
11:59It is like you have a playbook
12:00on how to create scarring memories.
12:02You've got to stop.
12:04I'll talk to Zoe.
12:06Cool girl to cool girl.
12:08You know?
12:18You are so dope.
12:20I love that bit.
12:21Um, question.
12:23And this is like super cringy.
12:25Um, do you think you could be like
12:27chiller to Addie?
12:31Are you somebody's mom?
12:32Is somebody missing their mom?
12:34Nope.
12:34No, I'm not that much older than you.
12:35I'm like borderline big sister age.
12:37Maybe you need to spend less time
12:39looking up teen slang on chat GBT
12:40because it's giving you a technic.
12:43Wrinkles in the front.
12:44Hump in the back.
12:45You're a humpback whale.
12:47Humpback.
12:48Humpback.
12:49Humpback.
12:51Humpback.
12:52Humpback.
12:53Humpback.
12:54Humpback.
12:54What did you do?
12:56I hate my name.
13:02You've got to push.
13:03Red, with your feet.
13:04I am pushing.
13:05Put your hands above your head.
13:06Red, I am.
13:10Perfect execution.
13:13Okay, I'm up here.
13:14Break with your hand.
13:15Break your hand.
13:17My relationship's exposed.
13:19I'm being blackmailed, committing a crime.
13:22Caffeine's a gateway drug, Frank.
13:23Oh, here they are.
13:25This is it.
13:31And preloaded.
13:32Yeah.
13:44Frank, that was too close.
13:47We can't keep going.
13:49Stop.
13:51Stop.
13:52I can't stop.
13:54I asked you to leave.
13:56He asked you to leave.
14:00Now you don't get to leave.
14:02Now you don't get to.
14:02Johnny, let me have my moment.
14:04Now you don't get to leave.
14:06And swarm.
14:06Unbelievable.
14:07Frank, swarm?
14:10Yeah.
14:19All I wanted was a little bit of lunch with my bro.
14:22Soup.
14:23Half a sandwich.
14:24Regular stuff.
14:25And now I'm here.
14:27Prisoner of a war I wanted no part of.
14:29We are all prisoners in the war against bureaucracy.
14:32I'm glad you're finally figuring that out.
14:34Look upon my things.
14:36Look upon my beautiful things in despair.
14:42Yeah, I'm pretty sure this counts as kidnapping.
14:46I mean, I don't want to victim blame, but we did break in.
14:49It's kind of a legal watch.
14:50These squeakless dry erase markers.
14:52Magnets so strong.
14:54They could hold up even your ego.
14:56And it could have all been yours if you just filled out the proper paperwork.
15:04Arnie, it's Emily from Precinct 22.
15:07Thank you so much for calling me instead of the police.
15:10And I'm so sorry about Shred and Frank.
15:12It was disappointing.
15:13Oh, it is definitely disappointing.
15:17And I certainly hope it won't affect what I feel is a wonderful working relationship.
15:23You put in for the Copenhagen label maker, didn't you?
15:27Yes, I did.
15:28And I am excited.
15:29Yeah.
15:31Oh.
15:33Yep, that's the one.
15:34That's me.
15:34I filled it out in blue ballpoint ink, just like you requested.
15:48Realistically, I'm looking at 2027, aren't I?
15:50If things break your way.
15:54Well, that girl was mean.
15:58Are you, uh...
15:59Trying to fix my hump?
16:00Yeah, I am.
16:02Zoe destroyed me.
16:03And now I know what all the girls I tormented felt like.
16:06First time experiencing empathy?
16:08From this day forward, I'm turning over a new leaf.
16:11I'm never going to be me neither again.
16:13Well, you can't become a better person just yet.
16:16We still got to figure out what to do with Zoe.
16:17No, I'm out of the game.
16:19That's just...
16:19That's not who I am anymore.
16:21If she's making you feel like this,
16:22imagine what she's doing to all those kids at Wellington.
16:24We need to stop her for Addie.
16:28Meh.
16:29Okay, well, maybe we need to do this for all the kids tormented by little Vicky.
16:34So what do you say?
16:36One last job.
16:42Why do we need to find Zoe's car?
16:44How about we leave the revenge to little Vicky?
16:47Found it.
16:48Now what?
16:49Oh, great.
16:50I don't even have to break in.
16:52Huh?
16:53Wait until the male squirrels get up with these pheromones.
16:56No, it's not gonna...
16:57Come and get it, boys.
17:02You're a sick genius.
17:08Why is he so good?
17:12Real pranks on these horny boys.
17:14All that anticipation, just to end up alone with a towel.
17:18Hit me too close to home?
17:20Oh, yeah.
17:21You know, I expected this out of you, Frank.
17:24You expected us to get kidnapped by an office supply warlord in pleated pants?
17:28Never mind.
17:29But, Shred, I am really disappointed in you.
17:31I have been working my tush off for months to get that label maker, and you know it.
17:35My drawers, they're unlabeled.
17:36My file folders, they're handwritten tabs.
17:39The spot on my desk where a label maker should be, that's empty, Shred.
17:42There's nothing there.
17:43Emily, he knows.
17:45That I'm your boss, and you're my employee in a normal working relationship?
17:49Yeah, Emily, he knows.
17:51We're star-crossed lovers.
17:53What?
17:53You told him?
17:55No, I didn't tell him.
17:56He figured it out.
17:57He's too good at noticing.
18:01Wow.
18:02Okay.
18:03That's that.
18:04Everybody is gonna find out.
18:06And, oh my God, I am the Harvey Weinstein of Seattle government.
18:09So, I am so glad that I have a pre-written apology to the city on my notes app.
18:13No.
18:13Oh my God.
18:15Hey, no.
18:15If you go down, I'm going down with you.
18:17Although, I don't think we should use the phrase going down in any official capacity.
18:21All right, all right, guys, guys.
18:24I'm not gonna tell anyone.
18:27As long as.
18:29As long as what?
18:30Don't take the bait, Emily.
18:32Okay, it's a slippery slope.
18:33He never stops taking.
18:34I'm a man of honor.
18:35And I would never abuse this new power.
18:39Mm-mm.
18:39He says stuff like that, and he doesn't.
18:41Shh, shh, shh, shh, quiet.
18:42The big boys are talking.
18:44All right, Frank.
18:46Name your price.
18:55Remember, those have my name on them, so half-ass it the same way I would.
18:59Wait, remind me.
19:00Why are we doing Frank's paperwork again?
19:02Yeah, well, you know, Frank's rescues really benefit all of us, so it only makes sense that
19:07we should all share in the act of...
19:08Look, I don't know.
19:09I'll just buy you guys pizza, okay?
19:11For myself, I will have a green goddess salad with dressing on the side.
19:16Uh-huh.
19:18Uh-huh.
19:19Daddy says the whole school thinks I squirled Zoe's car, so now I'm cool.
19:23We did it, we did it.
19:24Take that, Zoe.
19:25Being popular is the best.
19:26It's like being mayor, but you have actual power.
19:28Good thing high school goes by prison rules.
19:30Woo, we did it!
19:35What?
19:36I saw that little look between you, Fred, and Emily.
19:40I know you will.
19:41I know nothing.
19:42Right, yeah, I forgot you're a terrible detective.
19:44You'd never be able to piece that together on your own.
19:47Okay.
19:48I knew for months before they told me, but that's not a confirmation.
19:51You have to gossip with me, because I have had nobody to talk to about this.
19:54And you still don't?
19:55No, you're no fun.
19:58All right.
19:59Yeah, they're not the worst couple in the world.
20:01Wow, that's so lovely, but your best man speech will have to be better than that.
20:06Well, obviously, I would be the officiant, if they make it that far, but office romance
20:09has never run well.
20:12I think if it's for the right person, it's worth the risk.
20:17Imagine risking it all for Shred.
20:21I'm sensing a little bit of jealousy.
20:22Are you jealous?
20:23I could steal him from her in a heartbeat.
20:25Only if you're willing to do what Emily does with him.
20:27Which I'm assuming is some very intense hand-holding.
20:30See you, Sansa.
20:31I love your backpack.
20:33What time do you jump?
20:34Shut up.
20:41Hey.
20:43Uh, I was hoping I could have off.
20:45I know what you're doing.
20:46You're going to blackmail me to get what you want forever.
20:49Great.
20:50You get it.
20:51So, about the next 36 Fridays.
20:54See, that's where you're wrong, because I am, in fact, reverse blackmailing you.
20:57Shred lights!
20:59Sorry, Frank, but also, ha-ha.
21:01The greatest magicians have something to learn from Mr. Mistoffele's magical turn.
21:17Oh, well, I never was there ever, a cat so clever as magical, Mr. Mistoffele's...
21:27Oh, well...
21:30Should I keep going?
21:32Very good.
21:36Oh, my God.
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