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00:00You
00:08Hey, what's the ink? Blessed is he who bestows pain try this piece of poetry. It'll blow your mind
00:17What the hell is this doing here you have to bury it deep deep below the place where your journey
00:22began
00:22Let's go back there and end it all
00:30Oh
00:38That didn't work you have to use the kandarian dagger to deface the book
00:54You have no idea what you're doing
01:00Of course, I know what I'm doing. I wrote this book
01:17You wrote it
01:22You mean like the whole thing yes, and now that you've returned it to me
01:27Everything in here will be let loose upon the world. Well, aren't we the tricky little bitch?
01:32Oh
01:45Baby I've missed you wow. I dumped you at just the right time
02:07Oh
02:08Oh
02:09Oh
02:09Oh
02:10Oh
02:16Oh
02:18Oh
02:18Oh
02:18Oh shit
02:32Oh
02:33Oh
02:35Get it off of my face
02:37Oh
02:38Oh
02:40Stay back
02:40He's murdering
02:42Oh
02:51Kelly! Kelly!
02:54Come on!
03:01I'm gonna swallow your soul!
03:14Oh!
03:18Ah!
03:22Oh!
03:31Ah!
03:32Ah!
03:33Whenever you think about us, you might want to forget this part!
03:37Ah!
03:38Ah!
03:41Ah!
03:42Ah!
03:55Pablo?
03:58Pablo!
04:04Crap.
04:33I've got to save it.
04:37I'm not losing anybody else I care about.
04:38That includes me right of course and any
04:44Yeah, yeah, sure. Just you know stay close to her
04:51No idea
04:53Got the bookstore said the Necronomicon was written by the Dark Ones, so that's what we're dealing with the Dark
04:59Ones
05:01That's a rough nickname. Yeah, well Lisa honest, you know she's not down there starting a charity
05:06She's gonna take that book and summon who knows what
05:09Well like more more demons. Yeah demons devils things that go bump in the night
05:15All right, I'm going down there Kelly other girl you stay here and guard this door make sure it stays
05:20open
05:21I've been stuck down there before and it's not exactly Mardi Gras. Oh, I'm coming with you. Oh, you're not
05:26That's a bad idea. No, it's a bad idea to go alone. Come on. She can walk fine
05:33That's my Pablo down there too
05:37Gosh
05:40I'm gonna pop that tall bitch right in the face
05:47Okay, let's end this
05:55Oh, maybe it was just a rat who knows
06:13Oh
06:13Oh
06:14Oh
06:14Oh
06:15Oh
06:15Oh
06:15Oh
06:27Oh
06:28Oh
06:41Oh
06:43Oh
06:43Hi. Lily... Lilith... Manna... May...
06:48Lucy.
06:49Oh, yeah. I never would have got that.
06:52Come on.
06:53Are you going to read your poetry to me or what?
06:59You mean this?
07:00You said you would.
07:02Please.
07:04Oh, yeah. I don't know.
07:06I think I already read this to you, didn't I?
07:08No.
07:09No?
07:10I think I'd remember that.
07:12Wait a minute.
07:13You think this could all just be a dream, then?
07:16Well, what?
07:17Reading from the book, people getting possessed,
07:19bringing out the chainsaw, the boomstick, chopping people up.
07:22I don't know about any of that.
07:24It doesn't sound like fun.
07:26Yeah, no shit, dollface. I was doing the chopping.
07:28So then, you don't want to read that book to me?
07:31Oh, hell no.
07:34Then don't.
07:36Shit on a biscuit.
07:40Colorful language.
07:41You've always been good with words.
07:43Don't act like you know me.
07:45Oh, but I do.
07:46You see, one day long ago, you appeared in my book.
07:53El Jefe.
07:54That's Mr. Jefe to you.
07:56And I knew that you were the one who was destined to stand against me.
08:02But the end of your story's not yet written.
08:06Now, Ash, do you really think that I want you and your little friends to die?
08:10Yes.
08:12No.
08:13I just want things to go back to the way they were when the Dark Ones ruled over the evil
08:17forces on Earth.
08:18Yeah, well, I just want to bang Marianne from Gilligan's Island, but that ain't gonna happen.
08:22The world is in chaos, and I want order to consolidate the dark forces under one ruler, me.
08:29Oh, so you're the good guy now.
08:30What, you want to control all these demons like the Godfather?
08:33Exactly.
08:34Yeah, well, I hated that movie.
08:36Too long and boring and not enough boobies.
08:38I'm more of a death wish kind of guy.
08:40You're the one obstacle in my way, so what's your price?
08:43What do you really want?
08:45What do I want?
08:46I want this to be done.
08:48I want the last 40 years of my life...
08:50Ten years.
08:52I want the last years of my life to be worth living.
08:55I want a 20-ounce steak every night for dinner, a little pat of butter right there.
08:59I want cable TV with all the premium channels.
09:02And Jacksonville.
09:13Take it.
09:15I can give you all of that.
09:17Oh, okay.
09:19No, no, no.
09:19You're just trying to beguile me with those radar eyes of yours.
09:22I call bullshit.
09:23What you should be calling is a truce.
09:26Lay down your weapons and go back to your life.
09:30I am offering you the undo button you wanted.
09:35Take it.
09:37Truce.
09:38I could get into that.
09:43Or...
09:45I could kill you now.
09:56I could kill you now.
10:01Oh, shit.
10:23Kelly!
10:24Oh, shit!
10:32I could kill you now.
10:36Goddammit!
11:07Maybe I should have taken that deal.
11:14Don't worry, Pedro.
11:15I'm coming for you.
11:18Pablo.
11:18I met Pablo.
11:20Jesus.
11:21Must have really whacked my beaner.
11:28Fuck!
11:29It's never going to open.
11:30Not if I have something to say about it.
11:32Get out of the way.
11:39Get out of the way.
11:40Fuck!
11:41Is that the old guy's blood?
11:43No.
11:44It's the cabin fucking with us.
11:46I have more fears now since I began excavating the ruins of Kondar with a group of my colleagues.
11:52Now my wife and I...
11:54We need to get out of here, Kelly.
11:57Okay, we need to leave.
11:58Like, now.
11:59I hate this, Blake!
12:01Well, then let's just go!
12:02Are you high?
12:04Those are my friends trapped down there.
12:05Yes, but we don't have to be, okay?
12:07I didn't even want to be here.
12:09I didn't even want to go hiking.
12:10I hate hiking.
12:11And now we're going to die in here.
12:12You realize we're supposed to?
12:13The volume of ancient, superior and variable practices in two ways of color.
12:23What's that?
12:47get a hold of yourself woman hey you know i've always wanted to do that real talk time
12:54okay yeah you stick here with me we can help ash and pablo and maybe have a chance to see
13:00tomorrow
13:01we walk out now and there won't be a tomorrow but you know what you will make a really pretty
13:08corpse don't talk down to me all right i'm starting to be a dental hygienist and i don't need
13:29oh
13:31Oh, oh, oh, oh.
13:38Oh.
13:43Help!
13:50Hello!
13:52Oh!
13:52Oh!
14:01Help me! Help me!
14:03Help me!
14:48Help me!
14:51Help me!
15:01Ash! Somebody!
15:04Kelly! Help me, please!
15:07Please, no. I can't do this.
15:10You have to do this. You are the Ore Magnus Necronomicon.
15:16Please.
15:18Please, kill me now.
15:20You will be dead as soon as all my children are free.
15:24Achmanar, demonio.
15:27Achmanar, demonio.
15:29Achmanar, demonio.
15:30Eta yeh, melishit balashukci ilakjen.
15:37Eta yeh, melishit balashukci ilakjen.
15:41Eta yeh, melishit balashukci iachjen.
15:46Eta yeh, melishit balashukci iachjen.
15:46What are you doing, Ruby?
15:47Abominno kusios!
15:49Abominno kusios!
15:57Abominno kusios!
16:01G vraiment.
16:05Eta yeh!
16:23Oh, God, and that's why I didn't have kids.
16:56Oh, God, and that's why I didn't have kids.
17:09What the fuck was that?
17:19Heather!
17:22Heather, you better get to that door right now.
17:26No, I'm going to die in here.
17:28No, you're not. You listen to me, okay?
17:30You are going to go on and be the best devil hygienist
17:34that ever lived in the history of England.
17:36Or wherever it is you're from.
17:42Oh, shit.
17:42Oh, shit.
17:53Oh, shit.
17:59Oh, shit.
18:03Oh, shit!
18:11Oh, my God.
18:18Oh, my God.
18:21Oh, my God.
18:22It's all for you.
18:25Oh, my God.
18:30Oh, my God.
18:41Oh, my God.
19:05Hayden! Hayden!
19:39Ash has...
19:42The world belongs to us now.
19:46Mankind is doomed.
19:49And as for your boyfriend, Pablo...
19:56He's not my boyfriend!
20:07It's just you and me now.
20:13Let's do this.
20:16I'm Ruby. I'm the Dark One.
20:18I wrote the Necronomicon.
20:20Yeah, I don't give a shit.
20:20You fucked things up worse than I ever fucked things up, lady.
20:23So fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
20:25Guess what?
20:26There's a new sheriff in town.
20:37Oh, creepy kid.
20:40All right, look.
20:41I'm gonna count to three.
20:42You better be gone, you got that?
20:44Hmm?
20:46One.
20:51Two.
20:52That's a fucking shotgun, kid.
20:57Last chance.
21:00Three.
21:12Get off me, you little shit!
21:35Now I got you.
22:05Someone needs a washer.
22:06Get your mouth out, kid.
22:11And that someone is me.
22:13And that someone is me.
22:56What are you gonna do now?
22:57Oh, ha!
23:08Full main flamethrower.
23:11Pablo be proud.
23:26Okay, kids, the birthday party is over.
23:50Well, that was easy.
23:52Okay, let's close the show with a little neck music.
24:01Wow! Yes! Burn, baby!
24:19Okay, okay.
24:58Pabllo, what are you doing? It's me!
25:02I have no choice.
25:11You're a dead man, Ash.
25:14Don't, Pabllo. I'm not gonna fight you. I don't wanna lose anybody else.
25:19Ash. Ash. Ash, I... I...
25:26Here's the finish. Here's the finish.
25:30I'm still gonna kill you.
25:56Ash?
26:01Pabllo?
26:02No.
26:33Pablo, don't. Don't. I don't want to hurt you.
26:36It's over.
26:39Just do it! Hit me!
26:41No! Let go of my blade!
26:43Kill me, please!
26:51Kill me!
26:53No!
26:56Don't kill me!
27:02No!
27:07You forgot to remind me to gas her up. Pablo, you beautiful idiot.
27:12Gina Potter.
27:14Now it's your turn.
27:27In your next life, learn to read.
27:37No!
27:56What the hell?
27:58Your stupid mortal toys mean nothing to me.
28:03But before I kill you, my book needs a new cover.
28:08What? What? Oh, no, no, no, not me!
28:11Oh, no! Not the face! Not the face!
28:15Wait, wait, wait, wait!
28:19I just gotta know.
28:21Have you lost weight?
28:23Get!
28:26Ha-ha-ha!
28:27Ha-ha-ha!
28:32Ha-ha-ha!
28:32Ha-ha-ha!
28:32Well, I guess this doesn't count as one of my stupid mortal toys.
28:36Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
28:37Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this, Ruby.
28:40Cause I dislike you a lot.
28:42And you get that fucking book off my friend's face.
28:45Stop!
28:47You know what?
28:48You gonna kill me?
28:49You do it and you're both dead.
28:53Ash! Ash!
28:55Help! I'm killing her!
28:58And after the book has killed her,
29:00he'll kill him too.
29:02Nothing you can do about it.
29:03Except kill you.
29:06Or you can take the deal.
29:10Think about it, Ash.
29:11You are old and fat and weak
29:12and you cannot keep this up forever.
29:14Lay down your weapons and go back to your life.
29:17You know that deep down we both want the same thing.
29:20No, I'm pretty sure I don't want to destroy humanity.
29:22I don't want to destroy anything.
29:25I want humanity to flourish.
29:27Without good, there is no evil.
29:29I just want evil under control, same as you.
29:33The difference is you never sign up for any of this.
29:38Ash, your entire life has been marked by tragedy and desperation
29:41and a woeful inadequacy.
29:43I get the idea.
29:49Just take the deal.
29:52It's what you've always wanted.
29:54No.
29:56It's not just about my life anymore.
29:58I want their lives back too.
29:59They're coming with me.
30:00I can do that.
30:02Prove it.
30:11AXIMOLI VALEROS.
30:17Okay.
30:18We're halfway there.
30:19Pablo II.
30:20do we have a deal I'm doing this for you buddy so a little thanks might be nice
30:33look she's just gonna godfather all the demons together make the world a better
30:37place that logic seems wrong look you're just gonna have to trust me on this one
30:41let her be the gatekeeper it's better for all of us okay normal life in
30:47Jacksonville the three of us ten thousand dollars in cash I'm not a bank gas money
30:57you got that okay but I'm keeping this just for insurance
31:17truce no Ash you have no idea what's out there
31:38good fishing that's what's out there
31:50can't believe you did that I can after a lifetime of getting the short end of the stick I finally
31:55got
31:56the big end and I grabbed that big old stick by the balls baby that's one way to look at
32:03it the
32:05other correct way is that evil is gonna take over the world you seen the world lately same diff plus
32:13Ruby said she'd keep a lid on all this so we are all good nothing do but eat sleep and
32:17live off the fat
32:18of the land wait wait turn that up stay in your homes I repeat stay in your homes massive sinkholes
32:26have
32:26been opening all over the you know the news it's always so depressing
32:36hey who's hungry time for some road trip burgers your treat Jacksonville here we come
32:50you
32:53yeah
33:01yeah
33:02yeah
33:02yeah
33:02yeah
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