“Monty Python” isn’t a traditional movie title — it’s the name of the legendary British comedy troupe known for absurd, surreal, and satirical humor. The name itself was chosen to sound quirky and memorable, reflecting the group’s offbeat style. Their films, like Monty Python and the Holy Grail or Life of Brian, combine clever wordplay, slapstick, and social commentary, making “Monty Python” synonymous with iconic, boundary-pushing comedy that has influenced generations of humor worldwide.
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FunTranscript
00:00:16In this picture, there are 47 people.
00:00:19None of them can be seen.
00:00:22In this film, we hope to show you how not to be seen.
00:00:28This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road, London, SE14.
00:00:35He cannot be seen.
00:00:37Now, I'm going to ask him to stand up.
00:00:39Mr. Bradshaw, will you stand up, please?
00:00:48This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
00:00:51In this picture, we cannot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of Thirteen, the Crescent, Belmont.
00:00:58Mrs. Smegma, will you stand up, please?
00:01:08This is Mr. Nesbitt of Harlow, Newtown.
00:01:12Mr. Nesbitt, will you stand up, please?
00:01:19Mr. Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen.
00:01:23Not to stand up.
00:01:25However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
00:01:31Mr. E.W. Lambert of Homely, the Burroughs, Oswestry, has presented us with a poser.
00:01:38We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out.
00:01:52Yes, it was the middle one.
00:01:56Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Hull chose a very cunning way of not being seen.
00:02:01When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks' holiday.
00:02:05However, a neighbour told us where they were.
00:02:10And here is the neighbour who told us where they were.
00:02:17And here is where he lived.
00:02:20And this is where he was born.
00:02:39And now for something completely different.
00:02:45The End
00:03:48Therefore, there will be a short interval.
00:03:55In the meantime, we are pleased to be able to show you a short film starring a man with a
00:04:01tape recorder up his nose.
00:04:37And now, a film starring a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.
00:05:08And now, in stereo.
00:05:44Darling, you were wonderful.
00:05:46Oh, really?
00:05:49In 1971, the British Empire lay in ruins.
00:05:54Foreigners frequented the streets, many of them Hungarians.
00:05:57Not the streets, the foreign nationals.
00:06:00Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists to buy cigarettes.
00:06:16I will not buy this record.
00:06:18It is scratched.
00:06:22I will not buy this record.
00:06:25It is scratched.
00:06:26No, no, no.
00:06:27This is the tobacconists.
00:06:30Tobacconists.
00:06:33I will not buy this tobacconists.
00:06:36It is scratched.
00:06:37No, no.
00:06:38Tobacco.
00:06:39Cigarettes.
00:06:40Cigarettes.
00:06:41Cigarettes.
00:06:41Yeah.
00:06:45My hovercraft is full of eels.
00:06:48What?
00:06:50My hovercraft is full of eels.
00:06:54Ah, matches.
00:06:56Yeah, yeah, matches.
00:06:58Do you want?
00:07:00Do you want?
00:07:01Want?
00:07:02Do you want to come back to my place?
00:07:06Bouncy, bouncy.
00:07:08That'll be six shillings, please.
00:07:10If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
00:07:15I am no longer infected.
00:07:17May I?
00:07:18May I?
00:07:19Yeah, yeah.
00:07:19It costs six shillings.
00:07:21It costs six shillings.
00:07:24Six shillings.
00:07:25Ah, six.
00:07:26Ah, ah.
00:07:27Yen de la vayasai grudenwi strevenka.
00:07:49What's all this in?
00:07:50Ah, ah, you have beautiful thighs.
00:07:54What?
00:07:54He hit me.
00:07:55Drop your panties, Sir Arthur.
00:07:57I cannot wait till lunchtime.
00:07:59Right!
00:08:00Oh, my nipples explode with the light.
00:08:02The Hungarian gentleman was subsequently released, but it was his information that led to the arrest and trial of the
00:08:08real culprit.
00:08:09I am.
00:08:10You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, you did willfully, and with malice aforethought, publish an
00:08:17alleged English-Hungarian phrasebook with intent to cause a breach of the peace.
00:08:22How do you plead?
00:08:24Not guilty.
00:08:27Mr. York, on the 28th of May, you published this phrasebook.
00:08:31I did.
00:08:33With your Lordship's permission, I would like to quote an example.
00:08:36The Hungarian phrase meaning, can you direct me to the railway station, is here translated by the English phrase, please
00:08:45fondle my buttocks.
00:08:51Please fondle my buttocks.
00:08:55Ah, yes, it passed the post office, 200 yards down, and then left at the lights.
00:09:03Hmm, left at lights.
00:09:06Ah.
00:09:08Mm, hmm.
00:09:10Mm.
00:09:12Mm.
00:09:13Yeah.
00:09:15Oh.
00:09:19What's the new place?
00:09:21Mm.
00:09:22Mm.
00:09:23Mm.
00:09:24Mm.
00:09:27Mm.
00:09:46THE END
00:10:10Meanwhile, not far away, Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey were about to enter an unfamiliar office.
00:10:17Next!
00:10:41Oh, are you the, uh, marriage guidance councillor?
00:10:45Yes.
00:10:47Oh, good morning.
00:10:48Morning.
00:10:52And good morning to you, madam.
00:10:58Uh, name?
00:10:59Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey.
00:11:04And what is the name of your ravishing wife?
00:11:09Wait.
00:11:11Don't tell me.
00:11:12It's...
00:11:13It's something to do with moonlight.
00:11:16It goes with her eyes.
00:11:17It's soft and gentle, warm and yielding, deeply lyrical and yet tender and frightened like a tiny white rabbit.
00:11:29It's Deirdre.
00:11:31Deirdre.
00:11:32Hmm.
00:11:34What a beautiful name.
00:11:38What a beautiful...
00:11:41Beautiful name.
00:11:47And what seems to be the trouble with your marriage, Mr. Putey?
00:11:50Well, it all started when we first went to Brighton on holiday together.
00:11:53Deirdre, that's my wife and I.
00:11:55I've always been very close companions and I never particularly anticipated any marital strife.
00:11:59Indeed, the very idea of consulting a professional marital advisor has always been of the greatest repugnance to me.
00:12:04Although, far be it from me to impugn the nature of your trade or... or profession.
00:12:13Do go on.
00:12:14Oh!
00:12:14Well, as I was saying, Deirdre and I have always been very close companions, sharing the interests, the gardening, the
00:12:19six-penny bottle for the holiday money,
00:12:21and indeed, twice a month of an evening, settling down to do the accounts together.
00:12:25Something which Deirdre, that's my wife, and I particularly look forward to on account of her feet.
00:12:32I should have said at the outset that I'm noted of having a grand sense of humour.
00:12:35Although, er, I've kept myself very much to myself over the last couple of years, notwithstanding,
00:12:39and it's only as comparatively recently as recently that I've begun to realise,
00:12:43well, perhaps realise is too strong a word, er, er, imagine that, er, I was not the only thing in
00:12:50her life.
00:12:51You suspected your wife?
00:12:54Well, er...
00:12:57Frankly, yes.
00:12:59A bit.
00:13:02Her behaviour did seem to me.
00:13:06Who was, after all, there to see, to be a little odd.
00:13:11Odd?
00:13:11Well, to a certain extent, yes.
00:13:12Now, I'm not by nature a suspicious person, far from it.
00:13:15In fact, I've got something of the reputation of an afternoon speaker, if you get my meaning.
00:13:19Er, yes, I certainly do.
00:13:20And indeed, in the area where people know me, I'm in fact very well known.
00:13:24Fine.
00:13:25Would you, er...
00:13:26Yes, certainly.
00:13:26So I decided it was time to face the facts, stop beating about the bush, or I'd never be able
00:13:30to look myself in the bathroom mirror again.
00:13:32Er, look, would you mind, er, running along for, er, ten minutes?
00:13:35Make it twenty minutes.
00:13:36All right?
00:13:37Oh, yes.
00:13:37I'll wait outside, shall I?
00:13:40Ah.
00:13:43Yes, that's, that's perhaps the best thing.
00:13:47Certainly set my mind at rest on, on one or two scores there.
00:13:52Arthur Putie?
00:13:53Oh, yes,owy, no.
00:14:02Let me go.
00:14:07Arthur Putie, are you a man or a mouse?
00:14:14You've been running too long, Arthur Putie.
00:14:17It's time to stop.
00:14:19Time to turn and fight like a man.
00:14:22Go back in there, Arthur Pewdie.
00:14:25Go back in there and pull your finger out.
00:14:29Yes.
00:14:31Yes, you're right.
00:14:32This is it, Arthur Pewdie.
00:14:35This is your moment, Arthur Pewdie.
00:14:39At last, you're a man.
00:14:46Come over there, Deutre.
00:14:48I know you're in there.
00:14:49Arthur, go away.
00:14:50Roger.
00:15:19Oh, what a lovely...
00:15:31Oh, what a lovely little...
00:15:34Oh, what a lovely little...
00:15:46Oh, what a lovely little...
00:15:51There.
00:15:53Killed.
00:15:54Oh, what a lovely little...
00:15:56Oh!
00:16:18Oh!
00:16:29Oh!
00:16:44Aha!
00:16:52Cut! That's it!
00:16:54We're not going to allow this sort of smut on the screen.
00:16:57This depraved and degrading spectacle
00:16:59is going to stop right now. Do you hear me?
00:17:01Damn! Just when it was getting good.
00:17:11Evening, squire.
00:17:25Are you married?
00:17:28Yes.
00:17:29I'm a bachelor myself.
00:17:33Is your wife a goer?
00:17:34Eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.
00:17:36Know what I mean? Say no more.
00:17:37Beg your pardon?
00:17:39Your wife? Does she go? Eh?
00:17:41Know what I mean? Know what I mean?
00:17:42Does she go? Eh?
00:17:44She sometimes goes.
00:17:45I bet she does. I bet she does.
00:17:47Say no more. Say no more. Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.
00:17:49I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
00:17:51Follow me. Follow me. That's good. That's good.
00:17:54A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat.
00:17:57Look, are you selling something?
00:17:58Selling. Selling. Very good. Very good.
00:18:01Know what I mean?
00:18:03Oh, wicked. You're wicked. You're wicked, eh? Nudge, nudge.
00:18:07Eh? Not as good as a wink to a blind bat.
00:18:10But, er...
00:18:10Your wife a sport, eh?
00:18:13She likes sport, yes.
00:18:15I bet she does. I bet she does.
00:18:17She's very fond of cricket.
00:18:19Who isn't, eh? Who isn't? Likes games.
00:18:22Knew she would. Knew she would. Who doesn't, eh?
00:18:25She's been around a bit, eh? Been around.
00:18:27Yeah, she's travelled. She's from Pearlie.
00:18:29Oh! Say no more. Say no more. Say no more.
00:18:32Perlie? Say no more.
00:18:34Know what I mean? Say no more.
00:18:36Ah!
00:18:39Your wife interested in, er...
00:18:41Photography, eh?
00:18:43Photographs, eh?
00:18:44He asked him knowingly.
00:18:47Photography?
00:18:47Yeah. Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
00:18:49Say no more.
00:18:50Holiday snaps.
00:18:51Could be. Could be taken on holiday. Could be.
00:18:53Swimming costumes. Nudge, nudge.
00:18:57Candid. Candid photography.
00:18:58No, I'm afraid we don't have a camera.
00:19:00Oh. Still.
00:19:02Oh! Eh? Eh?
00:19:04Oh!
00:19:06Look, are you trying to insinuate something?
00:19:09No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:19:12Yes.
00:19:13Well?
00:19:14Well, I mean, er...
00:19:16You're a man of the world, aren't you?
00:19:17I mean, you know, you've, er...
00:19:19You've, er, been around. You've been there.
00:19:21What do you mean?
00:19:22Well, I mean, like, you've, er, you know, you've, er...
00:19:24You've done it, er...
00:19:26With a lady. You've slept with a lady.
00:19:28Yes.
00:19:31What's it like?
00:19:33Well, I think it's overrated.
00:19:37Shut up, you!
00:19:41Good evening, Cross.
00:19:43Good evening.
00:19:44Where's all the others, then?
00:19:46They're not here.
00:19:47I can see that. What's the matter with them?
00:19:50I don't know. Perhaps they've got flu.
00:19:53Flu?
00:19:54Probably should eat more fresh fruit.
00:19:59Right, now, self-defence.
00:20:02Tonight, I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week...
00:20:05...when I was showing you how to defend yourselves...
00:20:09...against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
00:20:14Oh, no.
00:20:16You promised we wouldn't do fruit this week.
00:20:18What do you mean?
00:20:19Well, we've done fresh fruit for the last nine weeks.
00:20:22What's wrong with fruit?
00:20:23You think you know it all, eh?
00:20:25Can't we try something else?
00:20:27Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
00:20:30Pointed stick?
00:20:32Oh, oh, oh.
00:20:34We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we?
00:20:38Getting all aye and mighty, eh?
00:20:41Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh?
00:20:44Oh, oh, oh.
00:20:45Well, let me tell you something, my lad.
00:20:47When you're walking home tonight and some great omicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of Loganberries, don't come
00:20:55cry to me!
00:20:57Right!
00:20:58And now, the passion fruit.
00:21:01When your assailant lunges at you with the passion fruit, and us...
00:21:05We've done the passion fruit.
00:21:07What?
00:21:08We've done the passion fruit.
00:21:10We've done oranges, apples, grapefruits.
00:21:13Hole and segments.
00:21:14Greengages.
00:21:16Pomegranates.
00:21:17Grape.
00:21:17Passion fruit.
00:21:18Lemons.
00:21:19Lums.
00:21:20And mangoes in syrup.
00:21:23How about cherries?
00:21:25We've done them.
00:21:26Red and black?
00:21:27Yes.
00:21:29All right, then.
00:21:34Bananas.
00:21:35We haven't done bananas, have we?
00:21:37No.
00:21:39Right!
00:21:40How did you defend yourself against a man armed with a banana?
00:21:44Catch!
00:21:45Now, it's quite simple to deal with a banana fiend.
00:21:49First of all, you force him to drop the banana.
00:21:53Then, you eat the banana, thus disarming him.
00:21:57You have now rendered him helpless.
00:21:59Suppose he's got a bunch.
00:22:01Shut up!
00:22:02Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
00:22:04Shut up!
00:22:06Right!
00:22:07Right!
00:22:07Now you!
00:22:07Mr. Apricot!
00:22:08Harrison!
00:22:10Sorry, Mr. Harrison!
00:22:11Cover me with that banana!
00:22:12Come on!
00:22:13Be as vicious as you like with it!
00:22:15Come on!
00:22:16Attack me!
00:22:17Come on!
00:22:18No, no, no!
00:22:19Put something into it!
00:22:20For God's sake!
00:22:21Hold the banana like that!
00:22:23That's better!
00:22:24Now scream!
00:22:25Good!
00:22:26Right!
00:22:26Now attack me!
00:22:28Come on, man!
00:22:29Attack me!
00:22:35Next, I eat the banana!
00:22:40Now, I would just like to point out that this film is displaying a distinct tendency to become silly.
00:22:47Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do.
00:22:51Except perhaps my wife and some of her friends.
00:22:55Oh, yes, I'm Captain Johnson.
00:22:57Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point.
00:23:02I'm warning this film not to get silly again.
00:23:05Right!
00:23:06Now, Director, on the command.
00:23:09Cut!
00:23:09Cut!
00:23:10To the next scene.
00:23:12Director!
00:23:13This is a frightened city.
00:23:15Wait for it!
00:23:18Director!
00:23:20Cut!
00:23:20This is a frightened city.
00:23:23Over these streets, over these houses hangs a pall of fear.
00:23:27An ugly kind of violence is rife stalking the town.
00:23:34Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking fit, defenseless young men.
00:23:38Hey!
00:23:40Hey!
00:23:40Oh, 발!
00:23:41Hey!oxo
00:23:43Oh!
00:24:02Well,
00:24:02they just come up to you and push you like, you know, shove you off the pavement.
00:24:06There's usually about four or five of them.
00:24:09Yeah, sometimes there's three or four of them.
00:24:12It's not even safe to go out down to the shops anymore.
00:24:17Grannies are no respecter of race, creed or sex.
00:24:22Theirs is a harsh, ruthless world.
00:24:24A tough world, a world in which the surgical stocking is king.
00:24:29But what are they in it for, these senile delinquents?
00:24:32These layabouts in lace.
00:24:34Oh, the violence, the prestige mainly.
00:24:38The free gifts, putting the knee in the groin.
00:24:41We like pulling the heads off sheep.
00:24:44And he takes you.
00:24:47We have a lot of trouble with these grannies.
00:24:49Pension day is the worst.
00:24:51Soon as they get it, they blow the lot.
00:24:53On milk, tea, sugar, a tin of meat for the cat.
00:24:56The whole crux of the problem lies in the basic dissatisfaction
00:25:02of these senile delinquents.
00:25:04With the world as they find it.
00:25:06They begin to question the values of their society.
00:25:10They see their sons and daughters growing up to become accountants,
00:25:15solicitors, sociologists even.
00:25:16And they begin to wonder, is it all worth it?
00:25:31Another prime target for vandalism is telephone boxes.
00:25:37But mostly, they just live for kicks.
00:25:53But there are other kinds of violence abroad.
00:25:56Other gangs equally vicious, equally determined, such as the baby snatchers.
00:26:09I left him outside for a few moments while I got some brillo pads.
00:26:13When I came back, he was gone.
00:26:15He was only 48.
00:26:17And also, vicious gangs of keep-left signs.
00:26:27Right, stop that.
00:26:29It's silly.
00:26:30Very silly indeed.
00:26:32Started off as a nice little idea about old ladies attacking young men,
00:26:35but now it's just got silly.
00:26:38His hair's too long for a vicar, too.
00:26:40And you can tell those are not proper keep-left signs.
00:26:43Clear off, the lot of you!
00:26:45You, come with me.
00:26:50Right, now let's see something decent and military.
00:26:54Some precision drilling.
00:26:55Squad!
00:26:57Camp it!
00:26:58Up!
00:26:59Who?
00:27:00Get her!
00:27:01Whoops!
00:27:02I've got your number back.
00:27:04You couldn't afford me, dear.
00:27:06Two, three.
00:27:07I'll scratch your eyes out.
00:27:09Don't come the brigadier.
00:27:12Bit with us, dear.
00:27:13We all know where you've been, you military fairy.
00:27:17Two, three.
00:27:18One, two, three.
00:27:19Four, five, three.
00:27:20Whoops!
00:27:21Don't look now, girls.
00:27:23The maid is just minced in with that jolly-coloured sergeant.
00:27:26Two, three.
00:27:27Ooh!
00:27:29Right, stop that.
00:27:31Silly.
00:27:32And a bit suspect, I think.
00:27:34Time for a cartoon.
00:27:37Once upon a time,
00:27:39there was an enchanted prince
00:27:41who ruled the land beyond the wobbles.
00:27:47One day,
00:27:49he discovered a spot on his face.
00:27:53Foolishly, he ignored it.
00:27:55And three years later,
00:27:57he died of cancer.
00:27:58No!
00:27:59The spot, however, flourished
00:28:01and soon set out to seek its fortune.
00:28:08Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
00:28:14-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
00:28:20-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
00:28:21-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
00:28:39Agnes, did you just see who moved in next door?
00:28:42Yes, black as the ace of spades they were.
00:28:45Oh, well, there goes the neighbourhood.
00:28:48Oh, yes.
00:29:10Next, please.
00:29:15One at a time, please.
00:29:18There is only me, sir.
00:29:26So there is.
00:29:27Take a, um...
00:29:30Seat?
00:29:31Seat, seat.
00:29:32Take a seat.
00:29:33So, you want to join my mountaineering expedition, will you?
00:29:38Who, me, sir?
00:29:39Uh-huh.
00:29:41Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.
00:29:43Jolly good.
00:29:44Jolly good.
00:29:45And how about you?
00:29:49There is only me, sir.
00:29:57Well, bangers his application, sir.
00:30:01Now, let me fiddle in.
00:30:03I'm leading this expedition, and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.
00:30:08I thought there was only one peak, sir.
00:30:23Well, that'll save a bit of time.
00:30:25Well done.
00:30:27Now, the object of this year's expedition is to see if we can find any trace of last year's expedition.
00:30:34Last year's expedition?
00:30:35Yes, my brother was leading that.
00:30:37They were going to build a bridge between the two peaks.
00:30:46My dear, I'm afraid.
00:30:47Now, I ought to tell you that I have practically everyone that I need for this expedition, but what special
00:30:52qualifications do you have?
00:30:54Well, sir.
00:30:55Yes, you first.
00:30:56There is only me, sir.
00:30:58I wasn't talking to you.
00:30:59Carry on.
00:31:00Well, sir, I'm a fully qualified mountaineer.
00:31:05Mountaineer.
00:31:16Two men skilled at climbing a mountain.
00:31:19What?
00:31:21That'll be useful.
00:31:22Well, you're in.
00:31:23Congratulations.
00:31:25Both of you.
00:31:27Now, what are your names?
00:31:28Arthur Wilson.
00:31:29Arthur Wilson.
00:31:32Uh-huh.
00:31:33Well, look.
00:31:34I'll call you Arthur Wilson one and you Arthur Wilson two, just to avoid confusion.
00:31:39Are you actually leading this expedition, sir?
00:31:42Yes, we are leading this expedition to Africa.
00:31:45And what routes will you both be following?
00:31:47Good questions.
00:31:48Well, we'll be leaving on one or other of the January the 22nd and taking the following routes.
00:31:54Uh, from Manchester's, uh, down through Oxford's, taking the M1's through London's to Purley's,
00:32:00then the A25's from Purley's to Dover's, then, uh, Africa-ish to Nairobi's,
00:32:06then we take the South Road's out of Nairobi's for about 12 miles and then ask.
00:32:10Does anyone speak Swahili, sir?
00:32:12Oh, yes, I think most of them do, don't they?
00:32:14No, does anyone in our party speak Swahili, sir?
00:32:17Well, matron's got a smattering.
00:32:19Apart from the two matrons.
00:32:20Good Lord, I've forgotten about her.
00:32:22Well, apart from them, who else is coming on our expedition, sir?
00:32:25Well, uh, we've got, uh, the Arthur Brown twins,
00:32:28uh, two botanists called Machen,
00:32:31the William Johnston brothers.
00:32:32Two of them.
00:32:33No, four of them, a pair of identical twins.
00:32:35Uh, two of the Harry Baker quads and you two.
00:32:38And none of these are mountaineers.
00:32:40Well, you two are.
00:32:41And we've got a brace of guides called Jimmy Blenkinson
00:32:44because Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb.
00:32:48Uh, most of it's up till you reach the very, very top,
00:32:51and then it tends to slope away rather sharply.
00:32:54But, uh, Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out the way up.
00:32:56Uh, Jimmy!
00:32:59Ah, uh, Jimmy Blenkinson, Arthur Wilson,
00:33:01Arthur Wilson, Jimmy Blenkinson,
00:33:02Jimmy Blenkinson, two, Arthur Wilson, two,
00:33:04Arthur Wilson, two, Jimmy Blenkinson, one.
00:33:06Carry on, Jimmy.
00:33:08Don't worry about the, uh,
00:33:10we'll get him up, all right?
00:33:18Well, I suppose if I'd describe the route.
00:33:20Well, we start off quite simply up Kilimanjaro,
00:33:23this, uh, boat.
00:33:25Quite simple, no problem there, basically.
00:33:28And then, uh, we go on to the main page itself of Kilimanjaro.
00:33:33It's a bit difficult here because there's a bit of loose rock.
00:33:35I want to get away from that loose rock.
00:33:38This is a terrible step.
00:33:40There's a difficult bit around here.
00:33:42We've got to go from the end of the mantelpiece
00:33:44onto the coffee table, which is a bit of a loose rock.
00:33:47It's all right.
00:33:48Quite good, people.
00:33:49Then we've got the rail up here,
00:33:51which is quite a good project.
00:33:53Then a terribly easy bit over the floor,
00:33:55up onto the chair,
00:33:57and then we've got to the lay back.
00:34:00We get down and go quite simply straight.
00:34:07He'll be leading the first assault.
00:34:09Well, I'm afraid I shall be coming on your expedition, sir,
00:34:12as I have absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it.
00:34:19Oh, dear.
00:34:22Well, what about you?
00:34:24Well, I'm game, sir.
00:34:25Jolly good. Jolly good.
00:34:29Good Lord.
00:34:58And now for something completely different.
00:35:01Inspector, Inspector.
00:35:02Here, sir.
00:35:03I was sitting on a park bench just now,
00:35:04and I put my coat down,
00:35:05and when I picked it up again,
00:35:06I found my wallet had gone,
00:35:07and 15 pounds had been stolen.
00:35:10Did you see any, uh, anyone?
00:35:12No, no one at all.
00:35:15Well, there's very little we can do about that, sir.
00:35:28Do you want to come back to my place, sir?
00:35:35Yeah, all right.
00:35:37What?
00:35:42What?
00:36:00Huh?
00:36:14And so Miss Spume returned to her typing and dreamed her little dreamy dreams,
00:36:19unaware of the cruel tricks fate had in store for her.
00:36:23For Miss Spume was about to fall victim of the dreaded international Chinese communist conspiracy.
00:36:31Yes, these fanatical fiends, under the leadership of the so-called Mao Tse Tung,
00:36:37had caught Miss Spume off guard for one brief but fatal moment.
00:36:43And destroyed her.
00:36:46Just as they are ready to go any time, free men anywhere waver in their defense of democracy.
00:37:03Yes, once again, American defense proves its effectiveness against international communism.
00:37:08Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country,
00:37:12we can see how international communism works by eroding away from within.
00:37:21When one country, or tooth, falls victim to international communism, its neighbors soon follow.
00:37:28In dentistry, this is known as the domino theory.
00:37:32But with American defense, the decay is stopped before it starts.
00:37:37That's why nine out of ten small countries choose American defense.
00:37:42Or creme toothpaste with the miracle ingredient fraudulin.
00:37:46The white car represents creme toothpaste with the miracle ingredient fraudulin.
00:37:51The not-white car represents another toothpaste.
00:37:57Yes, both cars provide 30% protection.
00:38:01At 60% protection, both cars are doing well.
00:38:05And now at 90% protection...
00:38:07Wait! The not-white car is out!
00:38:10And creme toothpaste goes on to win with 100% protection.
00:38:15Yes, do like all smart motorists.
00:38:17Choose creme toothpaste.
00:38:19Or Shrill Petrol with the new additive, GLC 942-4075.
00:38:24After 6 p.m., 942-4047.
00:38:26Using this white card to represent engine deposits,
00:38:29and this black card to represent Shrill's new additive, GLC 942-4075.
00:38:34After 6 p.m., 942-4047.
00:38:36We can see how the engine deposits are pushed off the face of the earth
00:38:40by the superior forces available to Shrill...
00:38:42No!
00:38:48This is the police.
00:38:50We know you're in there, so come out with your hands up.
00:38:53You'll never take me alive, copper.
00:38:55Oh, all right then.
00:38:57Sergeant?
00:39:18Conrad Foose and his dancing team.
00:39:22The End
00:39:29THE END
00:40:08Thank you, thank you, Conrad Pooze and his exploding teeth.
00:40:13A smile, two fangs and an excuse me.
00:40:17And next night, gentlemen and ladies, here at the People Club for the very first time,
00:40:22we're very proud to welcome Ken Ewing and his musical mace.
00:40:36Thank you, thank you.
00:40:39Ladies and gentlemen, I am in this box 23 white mace.
00:40:45Mace, which I have painstakingly trained over the past few years to squeak at a selected pitch.
00:40:55This one is E sharp and this one is G.
00:41:00G, E sharp. You get the general idea.
00:41:03Now these mace are so arranged upon this rack, that when played in the correct horror,
00:41:11they will squeak three-blinded white mace.
00:41:16Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, on the most organ, three-blinded white mace.
00:41:23I give you, on the most organ.
00:41:26Hold on!
00:41:27Oh God!
00:41:29I give you!
00:41:34Go!
00:41:37Go!
00:41:37Go!
00:41:38Go!
00:41:38Go!
00:41:39Go!
00:41:40Go!
00:41:42Go!
00:41:46Go!
00:41:50Go!
00:41:52Go!
00:41:53Ten seconds, studio.
00:41:57Stop it! Stop that! Stop it!
00:42:03Hello, and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts.
00:42:07And we kick off this evening with a look at the cinema.
00:42:12One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed of any age,
00:42:16is Sir Edward Ross, back in this country for the first time for five years
00:42:20to open a season of his films at the National Film Theatre.
00:42:24And we are indeed fortunate to have it with us in the studio this evening.
00:42:28Good evening.
00:42:30Edward, you don't mind if I call you Edward?
00:42:32No, not at all.
00:42:33No, because it does seem to worry some people.
00:42:34I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps they're a little sensitive.
00:42:36So I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions.
00:42:39No, no, that's fine.
00:42:40So, Edward, it is. Splendid.
00:42:42Sorry to have brought it up.
00:42:44No, no, Edward, it is.
00:42:46Well, thank you very much indeed for being so helpful.
00:42:48And sometimes it's more than my job's worth.
00:42:51Quite.
00:42:52It makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport to put the other person at his ease.
00:42:57Quite.
00:42:57Quite.
00:42:58It's a little point, but it does seem to matter.
00:43:01Still, the less said the better.
00:43:03Um, Ted, when you first went in the film,
00:43:06you don't mind if I call you Ted? I mean, as opposed to Edward?
00:43:08No, no, everyone calls me Ted.
00:43:10Splendid.
00:43:10Of course, it's much shorter, isn't it?
00:43:13Yes, it is.
00:43:14Much less formal.
00:43:15Ted, Edward, anything.
00:43:17Splendid.
00:43:18Um, incidentally, do call me Tom.
00:43:20I don't want you bothering with any of this Thomas nonsense.
00:43:24Um, fine, where were we?
00:43:26I guess, Eddie Baby, when you first started...
00:43:28I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't like being called Eddie Baby.
00:43:33Beg your pardon?
00:43:33I don't like being called Eddie Baby.
00:43:36Now, get on with the interview.
00:43:39Did I call you Eddie Baby?
00:43:40Yes, you did.
00:43:42I don't think I did call you Eddie Baby.
00:43:44Did I call him Eddie Baby?
00:43:46Yes, he did.
00:43:47Yes, he did.
00:43:47Yes, he did.
00:43:48I didn't really call you Eddie Baby, did I, sweetie?
00:43:51Don't call me sweetie.
00:43:52Can I call you Sugar Plum?
00:43:53No.
00:43:54Pussycat?
00:43:55No.
00:43:57Angel drawers?
00:43:57No, you may not.
00:43:59Now, get on with it.
00:44:01Can I call you Frank?
00:44:04Why Frank?
00:44:05Frank's a nice name.
00:44:07President Nixon's got a hedgehog call, Frank.
00:44:09Frank.
00:44:10What is going on?
00:44:11Frank.
00:44:11Frankie.
00:44:12Fan.
00:44:13Fanny.
00:44:13Little Fanny Boo.
00:44:15Right, that's it.
00:44:16I'm leaving.
00:44:17I've had enough of this.
00:44:18I've never been so insulted.
00:44:20Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.
00:44:22What?
00:44:23Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so kind.
00:44:27None of this pussycat nonsense.
00:44:29Promise.
00:44:31Please, Sir Edward.
00:44:34My latest film?
00:44:35Yes, Sir Edward.
00:44:38Well, I first had the idea, funnily enough, when I first joined the industry in 1919.
00:44:43Of course, in those days, I was only a T-boy.
00:44:46Oh, shut up!
00:44:47There he is!
00:44:54Thank you tom!
00:45:01Thank you tom.
00:45:01Stopって this.
00:45:02Stopって this!
00:45:03Thank you everyone.
00:45:09Help!
00:45:10Oh, oh, oh, oh, help!
00:48:31As the Hun continues, and as Britain's brave boys battle against the Bosch, their leaders are on the lookout for
00:48:36new breakthroughs that could provide the ultimate weapon in the war against the Hun.
00:48:43And here, in this little house in Finchley, they think maybe they've found it. It's a joke so deadly, it
00:48:49could have Fritz's forces falling about.
00:49:06Tests on Salisbury Plain confirm the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to 50 yards.
00:49:42Fantastic!
00:49:45All through the winter of 1943, we had translators working in joke-proof conditions to try and manufacture a German
00:49:54version of the joke.
00:49:56They worked on one word each for greater safety.
00:49:59One of them saw two words by mistake and had to spend several weeks in hospital.
00:50:04But apart from that, things went ahead pretty fast.
00:50:07And by January, we had the joke in a form which our troops couldn't understand, but which the Germans could.
00:50:14So, on July the 8th, 1944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes.
00:50:22Squad! Kill the joke!
00:50:26And when the soldiers!
00:50:29Draw!
00:50:33Fire!
00:50:35Fire!
00:50:36Fire!
00:50:38Fire!
00:50:42Oh, fuck!
00:50:52In action, it was deadly.
00:50:53Stop!
00:50:55Stop!
00:50:56Get off!
00:50:57Oh, son of I'll!
00:50:58Stop!
00:50:59I'll hold!
00:51:00That's OK!
00:51:01Take them a hole to get a spot!
00:51:04Wait!
00:51:05Yeah?
00:51:06Come on, come on, come on!
00:51:07Whoa!
00:51:09Look!
00:51:11It's a little bit!
00:51:12Come on!
00:51:16Come on!
00:51:16Come on!
00:51:18Come on!
00:51:22Come on!
00:51:31The German casualties were appalling.
00:51:43It was a fantastic success, over 80,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke, which was used
00:51:48at Munich, and one which Hitler couldn't match.
00:52:00I would like to apologize for the rather poor taste of the previous item.
00:52:07Um, excuse me, please.
00:52:26Oh!
00:52:35Oh!
00:52:44Oh!
00:52:53Oh!
00:53:09Oh!
00:53:11Oh!
00:53:12Oh!
00:53:14Oh!
00:53:17Oh!
00:53:18Oh!
00:53:18But the days of the killer cows were numbered, thanks to the miracle of atomic mutation.
00:53:34Oh!
00:53:34Oh!
00:53:39Thank you!
00:53:40Thank you!
00:53:41You've saved our city!
00:53:42But at what cost?
00:53:46Oh!
00:53:50Just then, as it looked for certain that the city was about to be eaten, the earth trembled, and the
00:53:55sun was blotted out from the sky.
00:53:57Oh, Christ!
00:53:58Suddenly, swarms of giant bees filled the air,
00:54:01and 300 million armoured horsemen,
00:54:03covered with coats of a thousand different colours,
00:54:05appeared at every street corner attacking the monster cat
00:54:08in a scene of such spectacular proportions
00:54:11that it could never in your life be seen in a low-budget film like this.
00:54:14If you notice, my mouth isn't moving either.
00:54:17But just as the monster cat was starting to weaken,
00:54:20the earth split apart with a deafening roar and...
00:54:23Nooo!
00:55:11Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
00:55:15Hello, miss?
00:55:17What do you mean, miss?
00:55:19Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold.
00:55:21I wish to make a complaint.
00:55:24Oh, sorry, we're closing for lunch.
00:55:26Never mind that, my lad.
00:55:28I wish to complain about this parrot.
00:55:30What I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
00:55:33Oh, yes, sir, the Norwegian Blue.
00:55:36What's wrong with it?
00:55:37I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad.
00:55:39It's dead.
00:55:39That's what's wrong with it.
00:55:42No, no, I see.
00:55:43It's resting, look.
00:55:44Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one,
00:55:47and I'm looking at one right now.
00:55:49No, that's not dead.
00:55:50It's resting.
00:55:52Resting?
00:55:53Yeah, resting.
00:55:54Remarkable bird of the Norwegian Blue, isn't it?
00:55:56Beautiful plumage.
00:55:57The plumage don't enter into it.
00:55:59It's stone dead.
00:56:01No, it's resting.
00:56:04All right, then, if it's resting, I'll wake it up.
00:56:08Hello, Polly.
00:56:12I've got a nice, fresh cuttlefish for you if you wake up, Mr. Polly Barron.
00:56:17Dairy mood.
00:56:18No, he didn't.
00:56:18That was you pushing the cage.
00:56:19I didn't.
00:56:20Yes, you did.
00:56:22Hello, Polly.
00:56:26Winky-winky.
00:56:29Winky-winky.
00:56:30Raise and change.
00:56:32This is your nine o'clock alarm call.
00:56:40Now, that's what I call a dead parrot.
00:56:43No, he's stunned.
00:56:45Stunned?
00:56:46Yeah, you stunned him just as he was waking up.
00:56:49Norwegian Blue's stunned easily.
00:56:50I don't have enough of this.
00:56:51That parrot is definitely deceased.
00:56:54And when I bought it not half an hour ago,
00:56:56you assured me that its total lack of movement
00:56:58was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
00:57:03Well, he's pining for the fjords.
00:57:10Pining for the fjords?
00:57:12What kind of talk is that?
00:57:14Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?
00:57:18Oh, well, the Norwegian Blue prefers keeping on its back.
00:57:21Beautiful plumage.
00:57:22Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot,
00:57:25and I discovered that the only reason
00:57:27that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place
00:57:29was that it had been nailed there.
00:57:33Oh, but of course it was nailed there.
00:57:35I mean, if I hadn't nailed it there,
00:57:36it would have muscled up to those bars and boom!
00:57:39Look, yeah, mate.
00:57:42This parrot wouldn't boom if you put 4,000 volts through it.
00:57:47It's pleading demised.
00:57:50Now, it's pining.
00:57:52It's not pining.
00:57:54It's passed on.
00:57:57This parrot is no more.
00:57:59It has ceased to be.
00:58:02It's expired and gone to see its maker.
00:58:06This is a late parrot.
00:58:09It's a stiff, bereft of life.
00:58:13It rests in peace.
00:58:14If you hadn't nailed it to the perch,
00:58:16it would be pushing up the daisies.
00:58:18It's wrung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.
00:58:24This is an ex-parrot.
00:58:30Well, I'd better replace it then.
00:58:32If you want to get anything done in this country,
00:58:34you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
00:58:38Sorry, squire.
00:58:38I've had a look.
00:58:39We're right out of parrots.
00:58:40I see.
00:58:41I get the picture.
00:58:43I've got a slug.
00:58:46Does it talk?
00:58:49Not really.
00:58:51Well, it's scarcely a replacement then, is it?
00:58:56Listen.
00:58:58I didn't want to work in a pet shop.
00:59:00I wanted to be a lumberjack.
00:59:06I'm sorry.
00:59:07This is irrelevant, isn't it?
00:59:08Yes!
00:59:09A lumberjack!
00:59:10Leaping from tree to tree
00:59:12as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia.
00:59:15The giant redwood.
00:59:17The larch.
00:59:20The fir.
00:59:21The mighty Scotch pine.
00:59:23What about my bloody parrot?
00:59:25The smell of fresh-cut timber.
00:59:28The crush of mighty trees.
00:59:31With my best girl by my side,
00:59:35we'd sing, sing, sing.
00:59:40I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.
00:59:43I sleep all night and I work all day.
00:59:46He's a lumberjack and he's okay.
00:59:48He sleeps all night and he works all day.
00:59:51I cut down trees, I eat my lunch.
00:59:53I go to the lavatory.
00:59:55On Wednesday, I go shopping and I have buttered scones for tea.
01:00:01He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch.
01:00:04He goes to the lavatory.
01:00:05On Wednesday, he goes shopping and I have buttered scones for tea.
01:00:12He's a lumberjack and he's okay.
01:00:14He sleeps all night and he works all day.
01:00:17I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers.
01:00:22I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
01:00:27He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wildflowers.
01:00:33He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars.
01:00:38He's a lumberjack and he's okay.
01:00:41He sleeps all night and he works all day.
01:00:43I cut down trees, I wear a hill, suspendies and a grower.
01:00:48I wish I'd been a girly, just like my dear papa.
01:00:54I cut down trees, I wear a hill, suspendies and a grower.
01:00:59I wish I'd been a girly, just like my dear papa.
01:01:05Oh, babies, and I thought you were so budge.
01:01:11Are you pantheists at all?
01:01:15Oh, wow.
01:01:24And now for something completely different.
01:01:34Hello, darling, sorry I'm so late.
01:01:36That's all right, darling. I'm 20 minutes late myself.
01:01:39Oh, let's not stop worrying about that yet.
01:01:41It's nice here, isn't it?
01:01:43Oh, yes, it's a very good restaurant. Five stars, you know.
01:01:45Oh, really?
01:01:45Oh, yes. Terrific reputation.
01:01:47Good evening, madame.
01:01:48Good evening, sir.
01:01:49Merci. What a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir.
01:01:55Apparently the bourbon crout is fantastic.
01:01:57If I may recommend, sir, the faisant à la reine,
01:02:00the sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations.
01:02:03Hmm, that sounds very good.
01:02:04Sounds lovely.
01:02:05Anyway, darling, have a look at the menu.
01:02:08See what you want, take your turn.
01:02:10Oh, by the way, I've got a bit of a dirty fork.
01:02:12Could you get me another one, please?
01:02:14A bigger bottle?
01:02:16I've got a bit of a dirty fork.
01:02:17Could you get me another one, please?
01:02:18Oh, sir, I do apologise.
01:02:21No need to apologise. Doesn't worry me.
01:02:22Oh, no, no, no, I do apologise, sir.
01:02:25I will fetch the headwaiter immediately.
01:02:27No, no, please. No need to do that.
01:02:29Oh, no, no, no.
01:02:30I feel sure the headwaiter, he will want to apologise to you himself, personally.
01:02:36I cannot think how this has happened.
01:02:38I will fetch him at once.
01:02:41Well, you certainly get good service here, don't you?
01:02:44Yes, they really look after you here.
01:02:46The soul looks delicious.
01:02:50Excuse me, sir, madame.
01:02:54This is filthy.
01:02:55Who the hell washes this up?
01:02:56Guiseppe, find out who washes this up and give them their cards immediately.
01:02:59No, no, on second thoughts, we can't afford to take any chances.
01:03:02Sack the entire washing up stuff.
01:03:05Look, please, I don't want to cause any trouble.
01:03:06Oh, no, please, it's quite right that you bring this sort of thing to our attention.
01:03:10Guiseppe, find the manager and tell him what has happened immediately.
01:03:14Look, please, I don't want to make any fuss.
01:03:15Oh, no, please, there's no fuss.
01:03:17Yes, we simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of the meal.
01:03:22I'm sure it won't, it was only a dirty fork.
01:03:25I know, and I'm sorry, bitterly sorry.
01:03:30But I know that nothing I can say can alter the fact
01:03:33that in this restaurant you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery.
01:03:40It wasn't smelly.
01:03:41It is smelly and obscene and disgusting, and I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
01:03:45That's enough, Gilberto.
01:03:45Dirty, nasty, smutty...
01:03:47Gilberto.
01:03:47Oh, crap.
01:03:50Good evening, sir.
01:03:51Good evening, madam.
01:03:52I'm the manager.
01:03:53I've only just heard what's happened.
01:03:57May I sit down?
01:03:57Yes, yes, of course.
01:04:01I want to apologise humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the fork.
01:04:08No, no, really, it was only a tiny piece of dirt.
01:04:11I mean, you could hardly see it anyway.
01:04:12Oh, you're good, kind, fine people for saying that.
01:04:17But I can see it.
01:04:18To me, it's like a boulder, a vast bowl of pus.
01:04:24Oh, it's not that bad.
01:04:26No, it gets me here.
01:04:29I can't give you any excuses.
01:04:31There are no excuses.
01:04:32I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant, but I haven't been too well recently,
01:04:37and things have been going very badly back there.
01:04:40Poor old Mrs Dalrymple, who prepares the salad, can hardly move her poor swollen fingers.
01:04:45And then, of course, there's Gilberto's war wound.
01:04:49But they're good people, and they're fine people.
01:04:52And together, we were beginning to get over this bad patch.
01:04:56There was light at the end of the tunnel.
01:05:00When this...
01:05:02When this...
01:05:03Happened!
01:05:05Can I get you some water?
01:05:06It's the end of the road.
01:05:11And you bastards!
01:05:14You mean us?
01:05:16You vicious, heartless bastards!
01:05:21Look what you've done to him!
01:05:23He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is!
01:05:27And you come in here with your petty, vicious, heartless quibbling,
01:05:34and you grind him into the dirt!
01:05:40This fine, honourable man whose boots you are not worthy to kiss!
01:05:50It makes me mad!
01:05:57Mad!
01:05:59Mad!
01:06:01Mad!
01:06:03Easy, Mongo, easy!
01:06:05Stop staring!
01:06:08Mad!
01:06:08No, Mongo!
01:06:09What?
01:06:10Oh, the wound!
01:06:11They destroyed!
01:06:13It's the end!
01:06:15The end!
01:06:19He's dead!
01:06:21They killed him!
01:06:24Revenge!
01:06:26Revenge!
01:06:28No, Mongo!
01:06:29Never kill a customer.
01:06:31Wound the wound again!
01:06:33Wound the wound again!
01:06:36Wound the wound!
01:06:37Wound!
01:06:38Wound!
01:06:38Wound!
01:06:42Wound!
01:06:42Lucky I didn't tell him about the dirty knife!
01:06:45The good life!
01:06:56No!
01:06:58Wound the wound!
01:06:59Wound the wound!
01:07:06C flip!
01:07:07Wound the wound!
01:07:08Sure can do that!
01:07:10Wound the wound!
01:07:13We know!
01:07:25Good morning. I'm a bank robber.
01:07:27Please don't panic. Just hand over all the money.
01:07:30This is a lingerie shop, sir.
01:07:38Fine. Fine.
01:07:39Fine. Um, Dr. Dapton improve.
01:07:48Well, what have you got?
01:07:49We've got corsets, stockings, suspender belts, tights, bras, slips, petticoats, knickers, socks and garters, sir.
01:07:56Fine, fine, fine.
01:08:00No large quantities of money in safes?
01:08:03No, sir.
01:08:06No piles of cash in easy-to-carry bags?
01:08:09No, sir.
01:08:11Fine! Fine.
01:08:23Well, just a pair of panties, then, please.
01:08:35And now for something completely different.
01:08:42Hey, did you see that?
01:08:46Hmm?
01:08:47Did you see somebody go past the window?
01:08:50What?
01:08:51Somebody just went past that window, downwards.
01:08:55Oh!
01:08:56Oh!
01:09:00Another one!
01:09:03Hmm?
01:09:04Another one just went past, downwards.
01:09:07What?
01:09:09Two people have just fallen past that window.
01:09:13Fine!
01:09:14Look!
01:09:15Two people!
01:09:16Three people have just fallen past that window!
01:09:21Must be a board meeting.
01:09:24Oh, yeah.
01:09:26That was Wilkins of Finance.
01:09:29No, that was Robertson.
01:09:31Wilkins...
01:09:32was Robertson.
01:09:36That was Wilkins.
01:09:38Oh, yeah.
01:09:40It'll be Parkinson next.
01:09:41Bet you it won't.
01:09:43How much?
01:09:45What?
01:09:46How much do you bet it won't?
01:09:48Fiver?
01:09:49Yeah, all right.
01:09:51Right, done. You're on.
01:09:53Parkinson next.
01:09:57Come on, Parkey.
01:09:59Don't be silly, Parkey!
01:10:00Come on, Parkey!
01:10:01Don't be stupid, man!
01:10:02Come on, lad, jump!
01:10:03Yes, sir.
01:10:04I would like to complain about that last scene
01:10:07about people falling out of high buildings.
01:10:09I myself have worked all my life in such a building
01:10:12and have never once...
01:10:15Roar!
01:10:16I met all the time she lives in such an old school.
01:10:28I love the world, cause I'm telling her you-
01:10:36They're not only what you're doing.
01:10:38Who's the love that you live in such a building and ask me when I do put on your car.
01:10:42That's the one that you do.
01:10:44It's the only thing that I do.
01:10:44I do not know if I'm doing food.
01:10:44I will be a little bit more.
01:10:45I'm doing a bit more when I'm doing some business that you do.
01:10:45I did not do your best.
01:10:45Oh, shame, shame, shame.
01:10:48Oh, dear.
01:11:24Psst, all clear.
01:11:36Vocational guidance, counselor.
01:11:40Vocational guidance, counselor.
01:11:45Vocational guidance, counselor.
01:11:52Ah, Mr. Anchovy.
01:11:54Do sit down.
01:11:56Right, thank you.
01:11:57Take the weight off the feet, eh?
01:11:58Yes.
01:12:01Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say.
01:12:03Enough of this game banter.
01:12:04Now, Mr. Anchovy, you asked us to advise you which job in life you were best suited for.
01:12:09That is correct.
01:12:09Well, I have the results here of all the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week.
01:12:15And from then, we've built up a pretty clear impression of the sort of person that you are.
01:12:19And I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that the ideal job for you is accountancy.
01:12:26Oh, I am an accountant.
01:12:27Dolly good.
01:12:28Well, back to the office with you, then.
01:12:30No, no, you don't understand.
01:12:32I've been an accountant for the last 20 years.
01:12:35But I want a new job.
01:12:36Something exciting that will let me live.
01:12:38But accountancy is quite exciting, isn't it?
01:12:41Exciting?
01:12:42No, it's not.
01:12:44It's dull, dull, dull.
01:12:47My God, it's dull.
01:12:48It's so deadly dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and desperately dull.
01:12:56I can't stand it any longer.
01:12:58I want to live.
01:12:59Well, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but you see, in your report here, it says that you are an extremely
01:13:05dull person.
01:13:06Um, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, spineless,
01:13:15easily dominated, no sense of humor, tedious company, and irrepressibly drab and awful.
01:13:21And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in accountancy
01:13:25they are a positive boon.
01:13:27Yes, don't you see, I'm only as awful as this because accountancy does this to people.
01:13:31Can't you help me?
01:13:33Well, do you have any idea of what you want to be?
01:13:36Yes, yes, I have.
01:13:37What is it?
01:13:38A lion tamer!
01:13:43Yes.
01:13:45Of course, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it?
01:13:47Accountancy to lion taming in one go.
01:13:49You don't think it might be better to work your way towards lion taming, save via banking
01:13:53or insurance?
01:13:54No, no, I don't want to wait.
01:13:55No, I want to start immediately.
01:13:57Tomorrow morning at nine, I want to be in there, taming.
01:14:01Yes, but what qualifications do you have?
01:14:04I've got a hat.
01:14:05A hat?
01:14:06Yes, a lion taming hat.
01:14:07A hat with lion tamer written on it.
01:14:09And it lights up saying lion tamer in big red neon letters so you can tame them after
01:14:14dark when they're less stroppy.
01:14:15I see.
01:14:15And during the day you can switch it off and save electricity.
01:14:17And you can claim it as reasonable wear and tear under allowable professional expenses
01:14:21under paragraph 335b.
01:14:23Yes, yes, yes, I follow.
01:14:24But you see, the snag is, if I now call the circus and say to them, look here, I've got
01:14:29a 45-year-old accountant with me who wants to become a lion tamer, their first question
01:14:34is not going to be, does he have his own hat?
01:14:37They're more likely to ask what experience you've had with lions.
01:14:41Well, I've seen them at the zoo.
01:14:43Good?
01:14:44Yes.
01:14:45Yes, little brown furry creatures with short stumpy legs and great long noses.
01:14:49I could tame one of those.
01:14:50I don't know what all the fuss is about.
01:14:52Look pretty tame to start with.
01:14:54And these lions, how high are they?
01:14:57Oh, that's so high.
01:14:58They don't frighten me at all.
01:15:01And do these lions eat ants?
01:15:03Yes, that's right.
01:15:07Well, I'm afraid what you've got hold of there, Mr. Anchovy, is an anteater.
01:15:12A what?
01:15:13An anteater, not a lion.
01:15:15You see, a lion is a huge savage beast, about ten foot long, five foot high, with masses
01:15:21of sharp, pointy teeth and nasty, long, razor-sharp claws.
01:15:25And it looks like this.
01:15:28Now, shall I call the circus?
01:15:30No.
01:15:31No, no.
01:15:32I like your idea of making the move to lion taming by easy stages.
01:15:38Say, by insurance or banking.
01:15:41Banking, yes.
01:15:42Banking, I see it now.
01:15:43It's a man's life, isn't it?
01:15:44Travel, excitement, decisions affecting people's lives, romance, thrills.
01:15:49I'll put you in touch with the bank.
01:15:51Yes.
01:15:54Probably.
01:15:55Probably.
01:15:56You know, I'd like a couple of days to think about it, because it is a big decision.
01:16:00Or maybe a week at most, you know.
01:16:02But I do want to make this decision to be the right one.
01:16:05I'd like to do banking, obviously.
01:16:06It's sad, isn't it?
01:16:08But this is what accountancy does to problem.
01:16:11The only way that we can fight this terrible, debilitating social disease...
01:16:15I only want to be famous.
01:16:16I only want to see my name in lights.
01:16:19And so you shall.
01:16:29Kill.
01:16:36Hello, good evening, and welcome to Blackmail.
01:16:39And to start tonight's program, we go north to Preston in Lancashire and Mrs. Betty Teal.
01:16:46Hello, Mrs. Teal.
01:16:48Now, Mrs. Teal, this is for 15 pounds.
01:16:51And it's to stop us revealing the name of your lover in Bolton.
01:16:55So, Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds by return of post, please.
01:16:59And your husband, Trevor, and your lovely children, Diane, Janice, and Juliet...
01:17:02...need never know the name of your lover in Bolton.
01:17:12And now, a letter, a series of photographs, and a hotel registration book...
01:17:18...which could add up to divorce, premature retirement, and possible criminal proceedings...
01:17:22...for a company director in Bromsgrove.
01:17:24He's a Freemason and a Conservative MP.
01:17:27So, Mr. S. of Bromsgrove, that's 3,000 pounds, please...
01:17:31...to stop us revealing your name, the name of the three other people involved...
01:17:35...the youth organization to which they belong...
01:17:37...and the shop where you bought the equipment.
01:17:47Well, we'll be showing you more of that photograph later in the program...
01:17:51...unless we hear from Charles or Michael.
01:17:55Now it's time for our Stop the Film spot.
01:17:58The rules are very simple.
01:17:59We have taken a film which contains compromising scenes and unpleasant details...
01:18:03...which could wreck a man's career.
01:18:06But the victim may phone me at any time and stop the film.
01:18:09But don't forget, the money increases as the film goes on.
01:18:12So the longer you leave it, the more you have to pay.
01:18:15So, with the clock at 300 pounds, this week, Stop the Film visited...
01:18:48...Themes the...
01:19:13He's a brave, brave man.
01:19:22No, sir.
01:19:23No? I'm sure you didn't, sir.
01:19:27Now, that's all right. We don't morally sense here. We just want the money.
01:19:30And here's the address to send it to.
01:19:37Thank you, sir.
01:19:42Ah, there you are.
01:19:44Well, that's quite enough of that.
01:19:47And now...
01:19:52A local civic group re-enacts a famous scene from history.
01:19:57This week, the Townsmen's Guild of Sheffield in Yorkshire.
01:20:01Miss Rita Fairbanks, you organised this representation of the Battle of Pearl Harbor. Why?
01:20:07Well, we've always been extremely interested in modern works.
01:20:11We were the first Townsmen's Guild to perform camp on Blood Island.
01:20:15And, of course, last year we did our extremely popular re-enactment of Nazi war atrocities.
01:20:21So, this year, we thought we'd do something in a much lighter vein.
01:20:25Well, I can see that you're all ready to go, so I'll just wish you good luck in your latest
01:20:28venture, the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
01:20:30Thank you very much indeed, young man.
01:20:54Thank you very much.
01:21:01Oh, Brian.
01:21:03Oh, Elspeth.
01:21:05Oh, Brian.
01:21:07Oh, Elspeth.
01:21:10Oh, Brian.
01:21:12Oh, Elspeth.
01:21:14Oh, be gentle with me.
01:21:18Oh, boy.
01:21:21Oh, boy.
01:21:52Oh, Brian, are you going to do anything?
01:21:54You're just going to show me films all evening.
01:21:56I've just one more, dear.
01:22:09Good afternoon and welcome to Bradley Park.
01:22:12And you join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon
01:22:16with the going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain.
01:22:19And it looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon sport on this, the 127th upper-class Twit of
01:22:25the Year show.
01:22:26And there's a big crowd here today to see these prize idiots in action.
01:22:30Vivian Smith-by-Smith, he's in the Grenier Garden, he can count up to four.
01:22:34Simon Zink-Trumpet-Harris, he's an old Etonian and married to a very attractive table lab.
01:22:39Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he's a stockbroker.
01:22:44Gervais Brook-Hamster, he's in the wine trade, and his father uses him as a waste paper basket.
01:22:49And finally, Oliver St. John Mollusk, another old Etonian.
01:22:53His father was a cabinet minister and his mother won the Derby,
01:22:55and he's thought by many to be this year's outstanding Twit.
01:22:58And now the Twits are moving up to the starting line, and any moment now they'll be under starter's orders.
01:23:04I'm afraid they're facing the wrong way at the moment, but the starter will soon sort this out.
01:23:08And any moment now, we're going to have the big off.
01:23:10This is always a tense moment.
01:23:13And they're off!
01:23:15No, no, they're not.
01:23:17No, they didn't realise that they had to start with the gunk.
01:23:19Well, never mind, I think the starter's explained to them now.
01:23:21Yes, several of them are getting the point.
01:23:23And we're ready again, and off again!
01:23:25This time, yes, a really fast start.
01:23:27And it's Vivian going straight into the lead.
01:23:28Oliver's running rather wide to the right.
01:23:30Where's he gone?
01:23:30Oh, there he is!
01:23:31And to the left, and he'll soon bring up the line.
01:23:33Yes, there we are, and into the first event, which is walking along the straight lines.
01:23:36The Twits have to walk along these lines without falling over.
01:23:39This is Oliver's worst event.
01:23:40He's having a little trouble at the back.
01:23:41Simon's coming through fast.
01:23:42Nigel's coming through.
01:23:43Vivian's doing well, and Oliver's over.
01:23:45Oliver's over at the back.
01:23:45Never mind.
01:23:46He'll get up and have another go.
01:23:47He's a great fighter, this lad.
01:23:48He's having the...
01:23:49Oh, dear, never mind.
01:23:50Well, we're coming to the second event now, which is the matchbox jump.
01:23:52Two layers of matchboxes for the Twits to clear.
01:23:54Nigel's over, and Simon over.
01:23:56It's a wonderful jump, and Vivian.
01:23:58Vivian has refused, and now it's kicking the figure, and Nigel to put the brogue in there.
01:24:03Oh, beautifully placed, and another winner of the...
01:24:05And the figure is down on the crowd.
01:24:07Really love that.
01:24:07And here we are.
01:24:08It's Oliver.
01:24:09He hasn't cleared the jump.
01:24:10He ends up having a little trouble with their old brain problem.
01:24:12Oh, if only his father could understand.
01:24:14Now it's running over the old lady.
01:24:16It's Simon in the lead, and he's got it beautifully right in the midriff.
01:24:19Accelerating forward now.
01:24:20Oh, we're back to Oliver.
01:24:21Oh, he's a magnificent, this man.
01:24:22He doesn't know when he's beaten.
01:24:23He doesn't know when he's winning either.
01:24:25He has no sort of sensory apparatus known to man.
01:24:28Bad luck, Oliver.
01:24:29And now it's waking the neighbor.
01:24:31Simon's there at the front of the field, and he's slamming that door, and he's woken the waiver.
01:24:35Simon threw cleanly in the first place, and the crowd are really excited at this moment.
01:24:39And now it's shooting the rabbits.
01:24:41These rabbits have been carefully staked out to the ground, so they can't move around too much,
01:24:45and this is only a one-day event.
01:24:48There's a bit of mist there, which I think is causing the Twits a bit of trouble.
01:24:52And Gervais is using the butt of his rifle, and Vivian's going in with a fist, and Gervais is first
01:24:57away, and Oliver has run himself over.
01:25:00What a great Twit.
01:25:02And now it's taking the bras off the debutantes from the back.
01:25:06This is a particularly difficult event for most of the Twits.
01:25:09One of the ones that takes the most time on this extremely exacting course, and the crowd are getting excited.
01:25:13And I think some of the Twits are getting rather excited, too.
01:25:17And it's Simon. It's Simon into the league, closely followed by Nigel.
01:25:20And it's the final event now.
01:25:22They have to shoot themselves to become upper-class pretty of the year.
01:25:26Simon can't get the bra off his finger.
01:25:27It's Nigel there.
01:25:29Nigel misses.
01:25:31Simon's missing.
01:25:32Nigel misses again.
01:25:33And Gervais has shot himself.
01:25:35Gervais is upper-class pretty of the year.
01:25:38Vivian is there.
01:25:39He's not having any luck.
01:25:40Simon shoots.
01:25:42Simon has shot Vivian.
01:25:43Simon has shot Vivian into second place.
01:25:46And Simon shoots himself.
01:25:48Simon is third.
01:25:49And Nigel, Nigel, clubs himself into fourth place.
01:25:52And so the final result.
01:25:55First and upper-class put of the year.
01:25:57Gervais Bookhamster of Kensington.
01:25:59Runner-up, Vivian Smith-Smith-Smith of Mayfair.
01:26:02And third, Simon Zink-Trumpet-Harris of Kensington.
01:26:04Well, there'll certainly be some car door slamming in the streets of Kensington tonight.
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