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00:01MUSIC
00:24Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
00:27the show where truth is often stranger than fiction.
00:30On David Mitchell's team tonight, broadcaster, author, podcaster,
00:34it's Richard Osman.
00:38And an award-winning comedy actor and star of Black Ops,
00:42it's Bemisola Icamelo.
00:47And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
00:50she is a nine-time Paralympic gold medallist,
00:54Hannah Cockroft.
00:58And a star of stage and screen,
01:01the very definition of a class act,
01:04Jason Isaacs.
01:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:10We begin with round one, Home Truths,
01:13where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
01:16To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
01:19They have no idea what they'll be faced with.
01:21It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
01:26Now, Jason, you're up first.
01:29I was once attacked by an astronaut.
01:35There we are. David's team. Right.
01:38Which astronaut?
01:42Uh...
01:44Buzz Aldrin.
01:45Buzz... You were attacked... Buzz Aldrin.
01:47You were attacked by Buzz Aldrin.
01:49I know.
01:49Wow.
01:50That's what I told you.
01:51That is a...
01:52It's a major astronaut to be attacked by.
01:55Yeah. That's one of the big two.
01:56Yes.
01:57Yeah.
01:58What on earth were you doing with Buzz Aldrin?
02:02Because I was in Star Trek, I had access to spacey things,
02:06so I was at...
02:07I've been to NASA,
02:08I've been to the European Space Agency, Space Rocks.
02:11I mean, those agencies, they know that Star Treks pretend, don't they?
02:14Well, it's funny you should say that.
02:16They weren't asking you for tips.
02:17No, it's funny that a lot of the people who work at NASA
02:20at the European Space Agency did it because they saw Star Trek.
02:23In fact, the first African-American woman in space, May,
02:25did it because she saw Uhura on the bridge of the Enterprise.
02:29I told my parents I wanted to be a lawyer
02:32because I enjoyed watching Rumpole of the Bailey.
02:34Yes.
02:35Very good.
02:36Yes.
02:37You loved Star Trek, though, didn't you, as a child?
02:40Oh, yeah, I liked Star Trek.
02:41You just loved to be in it.
02:42I went through a period of whenever I went through a door in my house
02:45going beep.
02:48And then observing subsequently that the doors in Star Trek
02:51don't go beep.
02:53No, they don't.
02:53What was wrong with me?
02:55I left my mark on Star Trek in a way...
02:57Uh-oh.
02:57I was very proud of it because I loved it as a kid as well.
03:00In fact, hold on, stand up.
03:01Go on, stand up.
03:02I'll finish stand up.
03:02So when a proton torpedo hits,
03:06the first AD would go,
03:08three, two, one, left!
03:10Right.
03:11Right.
03:12So you're in sync.
03:13And sometimes people would go right.
03:15And I said,
03:16why don't we say the direction first
03:18and go...
03:19And they were...
03:19Everyone went, what?
03:20They've never done that for 60 years.
03:22And they would go,
03:23right, two, three, go!
03:26LAUGHTER
03:28To be fair, it wasn't much better, was it?
03:31LAUGHTER
03:32But they're still doing that on Star Trek.
03:35APPLAUSE
03:37Right.
03:37So you're at some sort of spacey...
03:40I was at a space convention-y thing
03:41and I fell into conversation with Buzz
03:44and he was telling me what was wrong with space movies
03:50because he wants to make one about people living on Mars.
03:52Right.
03:53And I said,
03:54why do you want to make a film about people living on Mars?
03:56Because we've used up the Earth's resources or whatever?
03:59And he went,
03:59you're not one of those climate change guys, are you?
04:02And I said,
04:04well, I...
04:04I'm not one of those people who thinks it's not true
04:06that we have climate change problems.
04:08And then he, er...
04:10Basically, he went for me.
04:11He was held back.
04:12Does he move in really slow motion?
04:14Like...
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16He's had a chequered career, Buzz Aldrin.
04:18He had a bit of a dip after the moon.
04:20Well, they all did, didn't they?
04:21I met a general one doing Armageddon
04:24who had been on the European Space Station for a year
04:27and Bruce Willis and all the other astronauts were all around.
04:29But I got him in the corner and said,
04:30General, can I ask you a question?
04:31When you're up there, looking back down at the Earth,
04:34you just see water and Earth, kind of green and blue.
04:36He said, yeah.
04:36And I said,
04:37do you feel more or less American?
04:40Do you feel patriotic
04:40or do you just feel like a citizen of the Earth
04:42and that those boundaries are arbitrary?
04:43And he went, that's a good question.
04:45Let me ask you something.
04:46Do you mean more is breasts real?
04:50LAUGHTER
04:51What?
04:52LAUGHTER
04:54APPLAUSE
04:56APPLAUSE
04:58It's a splendid story, but is it true?
05:01About the general?
05:02Definitely.
05:03That one's true.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:04Do you think it's true?
05:06It was a very good story.
05:08Well, thanks very much.
05:08I'm wondering if it was a very good story
05:10told by a very talented actor.
05:12I'm not sure.
05:13Probably not.
05:13Not sure if he's a talented actor?
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17I think it's true.
05:18We've all met Jason briefly beforehand.
05:20You can imagine attacking the guy.
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23So what's your team going to say, David?
05:26Well, Richard thinks it's true.
05:27I feel like...
05:28I do feel like it's true.
05:28I'll say true.
05:29And you're saying true now.
05:30You've convinced me that it's true.
05:31I think it's true.
05:33OK, so, Jason, was it true or was it a lie?
05:37It was...
05:39True.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41APPLAUSE
05:43It's true.
05:44Jason was attacked by Bryce Aldrin.
05:47Right, Benny, you're next.
05:49OK.
05:51Um...
05:51I was once forced to have therapy just so I could finish watching a Disney film.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58At least true.
05:59Well, first of all, what was the Disney film?
06:01Um, the film with the...
06:03The...
06:04Mouse.
06:05The film with the...
06:06Ratatouille.
06:07Ratatouille.
06:08Yes.
06:09That's the rat, not a mouse.
06:10The rat, the film...
06:11I mean, the clue is in the title, to be fair.
06:14I think you'll think of the Moussaka.
06:15That's a different film.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18How old are you?
06:20I'm ashamed to say it was not that long ago.
06:23What?
06:23So therapy because of rats?
06:25So, yeah, I don't...
06:26I don't like rodents.
06:28I don't like...
06:28Well, why did you watch Ratatouille?
06:30Well, because it's a cartoon.
06:32But it was quite realistic-looking.
06:35The rat in it.
06:36Have we watched the same film?
06:38No, it was.
06:38Like, they were...
06:39It moved funny.
06:40And I don't like things that move, like...
06:43Scurry.
06:44They scurry.
06:45They scurry.
06:46And, like, little tails move.
06:48So what form did this therapy take?
06:50So you go to a doctor's place, and they talk to you about your problem,
06:55and then...
06:56I don't think he believed me.
06:58So...
06:59I know how he feels.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02How many sessions did you have with the therapist?
07:04So there was a pre-session...
07:06Yeah.
07:06...where, like, you have to go to the doctor's to...
07:09Oh, and they referred you to a therapist.
07:11And then they referred me...
07:12Oh, you went to the GP.
07:13So you're telling us you went to your local GP and said...
07:16What?
07:16And they said, what's the problem?
07:17And you said, I'm struggling to get through ratatouille.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:22Tell it not that.
07:23It sounds ridiculous, OK?
07:25It doesn't.
07:26Believe it.
07:26But the GP was a guinea pig.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:31You must have seen other cartoon rodents.
07:34No, but I think ratatouille is the most realistic depiction of rodents.
07:40There aren't real rodents.
07:41Do you know, I've believed everything up until that sentence.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:44Which part of ratatouille stealing that big tin of tomato soup
07:47and escaping on a skateboard was real?
07:50LAUGHTER
07:51I don't remember the skateboard bit.
07:53It was a long...
07:54That's because I just made it up.
07:55OK.
07:56A bit like you.
07:58LAUGHTER
08:00Don't cut that!
08:02You don't know!
08:04Um, Hannah, what are you thinking of Bemi's tale?
08:07I mean, I'm terrified that it's true, but it's...
08:10Don't worry if you're terrified, you can go for therapy.
08:12I ran off!
08:13LAUGHTER
08:13What about you, Jase?
08:14It's ludicrous.
08:16It can't possibly be true.
08:17It's a lie.
08:18It's got to be a lie.
08:18I hope for Bemi's sake it's a lie.
08:19OK.
08:20Bemi, was it a lie?
08:22Or were you actually telling the truth?
08:24I was telling the truth!
08:26What?
08:29What?
08:30What?
08:32It's true.
08:33Bemi did have therapy, so she could finish.
08:36What a two.
08:37Hannah, you're next.
08:40I once caused chaos in a kitchen with a Cornish pasty.
08:44Oh.
08:45Davidson.
08:46OK.
08:46How did you cause chaos?
08:49Erm...
08:49Well, essentially I microwaved it for a long time.
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54Right, time to take a guess.
08:55Is she telling the truth or is it a lie?
08:58Is there not more to her than that?
09:00Where are we, Hannah?
09:01We are at home in my mum and dad's kitchen.
09:04Oh, lovely.
09:05Where in the country are we, Hannah?
09:06Oh, in Yorkshire, in Halifax.
09:08Oh, wonderful.
09:08Yeah, lovely part of the world.
09:09Which part of Yorkshire?
09:10In Halifax.
09:12Oh, sorry, I thought you said...
09:13I thought you said these are the facts.
09:14I'm sorry.
09:15No, no, no, no.
09:18Little waves for everybody watching in Halifax.
09:22Nice to have you with us.
09:24Erm, I was fairly young.
09:26You know that long summer when you've had your GCSEs
09:29and you're just living at home?
09:30Yeah.
09:31So I read the packet and it said cook for 45 minutes.
09:35So I just found it in the microwave for as close to 45 minutes
09:40as the microwave could take.
09:42And what happened?
09:43There was lots of smoke, so I opened it, let it cool down
09:46and then put it...
09:47Put it on some more?
09:49Yeah.
09:50Was it a manual or was it a... a... a... a dinghy one?
09:54A dinghy one.
09:54It was a dinghy one.
09:55Yeah, it was a dinghy one.
09:56Why couldn't it get to 45 minutes?
09:58Don't know.
09:58It's just, if it's an automated thingy,
10:00you can just put in the number, right?
10:02Yeah.
10:02You've got to remember, right, I'm sat down,
10:03the microwave is above the oven.
10:05I am just pressing buttons.
10:07Yeah.
10:08I'm hoping something's going to happen up there.
10:10Yeah, Bemi, give her a break.
10:12So, you know...
10:12I am so sorry.
10:15If you want someone from HR to come down, they will.
10:19Unbelievable.
10:21So I'm waiting...
10:22Oh, there's a rat!
10:23Oh, God!
10:29That therapy didn't work, did it?
10:32So, Hannah, what...
10:33How did this culminate?
10:34What happened?
10:35Well, I just put it back in and then there was a small explosion.
10:40At that point, I realised it probably shouldn't go in for 45 minutes.
10:45I was trying to make a quick lunch because I had an afternoon of interviews to do.
10:48Right.
10:49So...
10:50I thought you'd have a good athletic lunch of a Cornish pass.
10:52Absolutely.
10:53Hey!
10:53Do you want to count the medals?
10:54It works.
10:59APPLAUSE
11:03A lot of detail.
11:04What are you thinking, Richard?
11:06It's the sort of thing you do at 15.
11:08Bemi.
11:08My thing is that...
11:10So, you said it couldn't get up to 45 minutes.
11:12But on the automatic ones, I feel like you should be able to put in whatever number you want.
11:17I will say it's true with that caveat that that bit...
11:21True with a caveat, but we're not allowed.
11:23I've been applying for it for years.
11:25Here, I'm going to say...
11:26I'm going to say false.
11:28You think it's false because you haven't heard a plausible description of a microwave?
11:34Yes.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:36I think it's...
11:37I think maybe it's false as well.
11:39You think...
11:39You think it's a lie as well?
11:41You now think it's a lie, you think it's a lie.
11:43It's like 12 angry men.
11:45It is.
11:45So, you've just tingly swapped the...
11:47OK, so we were there...
11:48Don't blame me if it's true.
11:50Of course I'm with you.
11:53No, you blame me as well.
11:54I'll tell you what's going to happen now.
11:56We're going to say it's a lie.
11:57If it is a lie, I will enjoy the point.
12:00And if it is true, I will enjoy saying, well, you two are idiots.
12:05LAUGHTER
12:06So, you think it's a lie?
12:07Er...
12:08No.
12:09LAUGHTER
12:09You can also override it.
12:12Yes, but I'm not override it.
12:13But then...
12:14Oh, I see.
12:15I see what you're doing.
12:16That's very clever.
12:17Sorry.
12:18You're saying if I don't override it, I am essentially consenting to it.
12:21I think she's saying if you were any sort of a man, you would make your own decision.
12:25Yeah.
12:26OK, we're going true.
12:30APPLAUSE
12:34I do hope it's true now.
12:37LAUGHTER
12:38Right.
12:39They're saying it's true.
12:41Yeah, yeah, come on.
12:43LAUGHTER
12:43Hannah, was it true or was it a lie?
12:47It was true.
12:51APPLAUSE
12:55Yes, it's true.
12:56Hannah did cause chaos with a Cornish pasty.
12:59Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection
13:03to one of our panellists.
13:05This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine connection to the guest.
13:09It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
13:12So, please welcome this week's special guest, John.
13:18APPLAUSE
13:21So, Richard, what is John to you?
13:24This is John.
13:25He blacked both his eyes when a box of my books bonked his bonce.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:31Bemi, how do you know John?
13:33This is John.
13:35He is the corpse we had to replace on set because he couldn't stop corpsing.
13:39LAUGHTER
13:39All right.
13:40Finally, David, what is your relationship with John?
13:43This is John and it's his fault that my wife and daughter now call me Captain Boring.
13:50LAUGHTER
13:52So, there we have it.
13:53Richard's bruised buddy, Bemi's chuckling chum or David's mocking mate.
13:59Lee's team, where will you begin?
14:01OK.
14:01Richard, please say that again.
14:03This is John.
14:04He blacked both eyes when a box of my books bonked him on the bonce.
14:09How many were in a box?
14:10It's about 48.
14:12So, what's this gentleman's name again?
14:13John.
14:14John.
14:14Nice.
14:15How do you...
14:16LAUGHTER
14:16That was a genuine question.
14:17Very good.
14:18I felt like a lawyer but I just genuinely had forgotten.
14:21And how long have you known Brian?
14:24LAUGHTER
14:25He's good.
14:26He's good.
14:27Who is John then?
14:28John is a rep for Penguin.
14:31I genuinely can't read a Penguin book because I've got a real fear of penguins and they're so realistic.
14:37LAUGHTER
14:39APPLAUSE
14:41So, was there a book tour you were doing?
14:43Yeah.
14:43So, he travels round with you and sets up the stand?
14:47Exactly that.
14:47Just describe the physical thing.
14:49How did he get a black eye?
14:50Which bits of his face did it hit and what happened?
14:52Well, he was pulling...
14:53There was one box here and one box here and the top one toppled over and the three or four
14:57books
14:57came down and one of them went straight on the top of his, boom, straight down.
15:00I'm assuming hardbacks, not paperbacks.
15:02They were hardbacks, yeah.
15:03So...
15:03This guy's not getting bruised eyes from a paperback, my friend.
15:06If you know John, he's got tougher eyes than that.
15:08LAUGHTER
15:09I went out and signed all the stock and came back.
15:13I'm going to say 25 minutes later and he was, like, under both eyes.
15:17Black eyes, within 25 minutes?
15:1825 minutes, he's got black eyes.
15:19Yeah.
15:20Interesting.
15:20Did it break his nose?
15:21No, it didn't.
15:22Interesting.
15:23Because that's...
15:24Normally when you get two black eyes because someone's broken your nose.
15:26Are you sure?
15:26You can't have another go at that.
15:28LAUGHTER
15:28You know you just play tough guys, right?
15:31Yeah, yeah.
15:32LAUGHTER
15:32I played lots of doctors, actually.
15:36So we came back here with two black eyes and you said...
15:38My God, was that the book?
15:39Of course it was the book.
15:40Did anybody comment on the fact that miraculously had instant black eyes
15:43in a way that no-one in history has ever had before?
15:45You don't think you can get black eyes in 25 minutes?
15:47No, I don't think you do.
15:48I'll tell you, could someone give you black eyes in 25 minutes?
15:49Mr Buzz Aldrin.
15:52LAUGHTER
15:55APPLAUSE
15:57Now, what about Bemi?
15:58Remind us again, Bemi, please.
16:00So this is John.
16:01He's the corpse we had to replace on set because he kept corpsing.
16:05And what was the show?
16:06Black Ops.
16:07Black Ops.
16:08What was the gag that made him laugh?
16:09There's this scene where somebody is dead...
16:13Right.
16:13..in a body bag and we have to bury them and they sort of have to cut off
16:18a finger at some point.
16:19Right.
16:20And so I sort of back up and I'm sort of...
16:23My backside is in his face.
16:25Is that how he really got the black eyes?
16:27LAUGHTER
16:28Which one's an actor?
16:30No, he's a stunt double or body double
16:32and he basically has to replace the actor who was in the body bag
16:37and then I have to cut off his finger, so I'm backed up
16:39and I'm trying to get some leverage.
16:41And now he's looking at your bum.
16:41And also, my bum is kind of in his face.
16:44It's kind of like...
16:45And he's laughing.
16:46..nestling against his black eyes, you know?
16:48But surely the camera is on the finger.
16:50It's not focusing on the bum and the face.
16:51Yeah, but if someone's laughing on set, like...
16:53So it's the...
16:53It's not the face, it's the audio that's the problem.
16:56It's all of it.
16:57Because then he laughs, I laugh, we laugh.
16:59How many takes?
17:01I think maybe about five, six,
17:03before we kind of thought we have to swap him out.
17:05Who did you swap him for?
17:06We swapped him out for a log.
17:08A log?
17:09Yeah.
17:10So, the thing I don't understand is he was a body double,
17:12so he used to vaguely look like the person, the other actor, yeah?
17:17Vaguely, but...
17:18More than a log, Josh.
17:18More than a log, though, right?
17:19Yeah, but...
17:20Did they put a pair of glasses on the log?
17:22No, we've basically got enough,
17:24so then we're just shoving in bits of log, basically,
17:27and zipping it up to just get my close-ups.
17:30OK.
17:30And have you worked with him on other productions?
17:33No, we wouldn't bring him back.
17:36Sorry, John!
17:38All right.
17:39What about David?
17:40Oh, no chance.
17:42Um...
17:42How...
17:43Are you pretending to know this person?
17:44This is John,
17:45and it's his fault that my wife and daughter
17:47now call me Captain Boring.
17:50OK.
17:51How long have they been calling you Captain Boring?
17:53They've done it over the last few months, quite a bit.
17:56Oh, it's recent?
17:57It's recent, yes.
17:58Before that, you were...
17:58I was...
17:59I didn't have a military rank, but, you know, I was...
18:03You know, obviously...
18:04He was private boring.
18:05I mean...
18:07How does he know Victoria and your daughter?
18:10He doesn't.
18:11Ah.
18:12Do you know who else he doesn't know?
18:13Oh, you'll be here all night.
18:15LAUGHTER
18:18He doesn't know me.
18:20He doesn't know you?
18:21No.
18:21OK.
18:22What does John do for a living?
18:23He is the editor of The Beano.
18:26Ah.
18:27Interesting.
18:28Yes.
18:29That's...
18:29Interesting.
18:30Genuinely.
18:31That's genuinely interesting.
18:32Interesting job, isn't it?
18:34Is he a subscriber?
18:35My daughter is a subscriber.
18:37Wow.
18:37And is there a character in The Beano called Captain Boring?
18:40No.
18:41No.
18:42No.
18:42What there was...
18:43I could get on with it, if you like.
18:45Yes.
18:46LAUGHTER
18:46You know surveys in magazines?
18:49You sort of go, are you an extrovert or an introvert?
18:52Are you a...
18:53Yeah, yeah.
18:53Well, they had one in The Beano to determine how amusing you were.
18:57Ah.
18:58And as a professional comedian, I was encouraged to enter this survey.
19:04Well, your daughter read it out?
19:05Yes.
19:06OK.
19:06And I answered the questions honestly.
19:09OK.
19:09And what kind of questions?
19:10I don't think that they were accurate questions for determining someone's fitness for a career
19:16in comedy.
19:17They were...
19:18I would say overly prank based.
19:20Can we hear a few?
19:21LAUGHTER
19:22I can't totally remember, but it was like, it's Halloween.
19:26What do you do?
19:28A, I don't dress up.
19:30B, you dress up as a ghost.
19:33Or C, you dress up as a monster and throw jelly at everyone.
19:39I'm going for all that you said A.
19:40The teacher has left the room.
19:42Do you, A, get on with your work.
19:44B, you know, put a drawing pin on his chair.
19:48Yeah.
19:48Or C, leak a story on social media that he's a pervert.
19:53You know that?
19:59And, er, so I answer the survey and you get a sort of score.
20:03And the number I got was, as I recall, four.
20:07Out of?
20:07Er, I think 12 was the maximum.
20:09And then did they give you, like, if you get 12 you are Captain Fantastic or whatever?
20:14Exactly.
20:15Oh, my gosh.
20:15And what four was?
20:16Captain Boring.
20:17Captain Boring.
20:18Three and four.
20:19So I was upper level Captain Boring.
20:23My wife also entered the survey.
20:25And now she's a witty woman.
20:27Ah, but to be fair, did she go second?
20:29She did.
20:30So she now knows how to play the game.
20:32Well, yes, but there's no point in cheating it.
20:34That's showing no respect for the survey.
20:37You know, that's like having a blood pressure monitor for 24 hours and just sitting still.
20:44It's just, it's just yourself you're tricking at the end of the day.
20:48How did she get on?
20:49Well, she got five in the survey.
20:52Oh, which makes her?
20:53Well, this is what I thought was rather unfair.
20:56Because while four is Captain Boring, five is barrel of laughs.
21:02Oh, come on.
21:03Oh, come on.
21:05One up from Captain Boring, your barrel of laughs.
21:10Barrel of laughs, it's, that's pretty funny sounding, isn't it?
21:14It's just one up from Captain Boring.
21:20One more affectation that I might do something slightly unconventional in a bash street setting and I would have qualified
21:30to be a barrel of laughs.
21:32Barrel of laughs, that's what my wife has.
21:35Captain Boring.
21:37Right.
21:39Well, um...
21:43We need an answer.
21:45So, Lee's team.
21:47Is John Richard's bruised buddy, Bemi's chuckling chum or David's mocking mate?
21:54The one I doubt at the moment is David because I don't think he'd have reached four.
22:00LAUGHTER
22:03But it's annoying, this, because actually all three of them are possible.
22:09I'm ruling the corpse out.
22:10I'm not ruling the corpse out.
22:12I think the story was good until the log.
22:14It's an unusual thing to go to, isn't it, if you're lying.
22:17That's true, but if John was a giggler, he might have giggled so far.
22:19At least to join one of them.
22:21That's true, he hasn't laughed once, has he?
22:22Nothing.
22:23But then he's quite near Captain Boring.
22:25LAUGHTER
22:26I slightly want to rule out Richard.
22:28It's a bit too believable.
22:30Fair enough.
22:30Captain Boring.
22:31I want that to be true.
22:32I want it to be true.
22:33So much so, because we will now call him that for the rest.
22:39OK, time to decide.
22:41I think it's between David and Bemi, and I'm going to trust that you have...
22:45Yeah.
22:46You are an athlete.
22:47You're a winner.
22:48That's true.
22:49I've won nothing in my life, ever.
22:51I want to stick with Bemi, so...
22:52Go, Bemi!
22:54I still think it's Captain Boring, but we'll go, Bemi!
22:56Right.
22:57We think it's Bemi.
22:58John, would you please reveal your true identity?
23:03I'm John, and it's my fault that David is called Captain Boring.
23:08APPLAUSE
23:11Yes, John is David's mocking mate.
23:14Thank you very much, John.
23:21We'll bring us to our final round, quick-fire lies, and we start with...
23:26It's Lee.
23:28I am currently seeing four medical professionals.
23:33One for my head, one for my shoulders, one for my knees, and one for my toes.
23:39LAUGHTER
23:42APPLAUSE
23:45OK, let's start with the toes.
23:48As you know, I've got web feet, and I've decided...
23:54That's why they're in the bucket down there, aren't they?
23:56That's right, yes.
23:58LAUGHTER
24:01I went to see a chiropodist, he recommended an aquarium.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:07I got to see a chiropodist who is slowly getting rid of the webbed feet.
24:11What is the therapy that gets rid of the webbing?
24:14They freeze it, and they just take a tiny bit off each week,
24:17and my feet are getting less webbed,
24:20and my time at the 50-metre swimming is getting slower.
24:23LAUGHTER
24:24What's their name?
24:25Pardon?
24:26What's their name?
24:27Of the chiropodist.
24:28That's right.
24:29Steve.
24:31So, Steve the chiropodist.
24:34I call him Steve, yes, Steve.
24:36What's wrong with your knee? Who are you seeing for your knee?
24:38We're trying to find that out, we're struggling at the moment.
24:40Is it both knees?
24:41No, no, it's just one knee.
24:42Which knee?
24:42The middle one.
24:43LAUGHTER
24:46Apparently it's not normal to have a middle one,
24:48and he's decided to try and get rid of...
24:50No, it's the right knee.
24:51The right knee?
24:52Yeah, on the left.
24:54And it should be on the right.
24:55Right.
24:56No, it's just pain.
24:57I'm getting a lot of pain in my knee.
24:58What's the name of the knee doctor?
25:01Well, you're not going to believe this.
25:01Oh, no.
25:05Eve.
25:08Now, let's move up your body.
25:11Thank you for...
25:11Oh, I've just been a little bit sick in my mouth.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:17What's the problem with your shoulders?
25:20Well, my shoulders are not working.
25:23In what sense?
25:24I can't shrug.
25:25Really?
25:26I'm serious!
25:28LAUGHTER
25:28No, of course.
25:30It hurts when I shrug, I noticed.
25:32You are.
25:32Yeah.
25:33So I've tried trying to put my head down into the shoulders
25:35to make it look like a shrug, but that's not working
25:38because there's a problem with my head, which we'll get to in a minute.
25:41So you're basically under this doctor to help you to shrug.
25:45And what's the name?
25:46Not to help me to shrug, he's not an idiot.
25:47I've not gone to the shrug specialist.
25:49I've just gone to the shoulder specialist who's called, um...
25:53David.
25:54David.
25:55David!
25:56David!
25:56No, not David.
25:57David!
25:58What treatment is David?
26:00David's giving me lots of deep tissue.
26:03Lots of very deep tissue massage.
26:05He's a physio.
26:06He's a sport.
26:07No, I don't know what type of dog he's got, but he's...
26:11He gets his thumbs right in.
26:12He's very brave, isn't he?
26:14David!
26:15No, Lee.
26:16Oh, Lee.
26:17Now then, tell us about what's wrong in your head.
26:21Well...
26:22Chronic migraine.
26:23Yeah.
26:24Chronic migraine.
26:25Chronic migraine.
26:26I've been repeating things, I've been...
26:29So who did you see?
26:30I went to see the doctor that deals with migraine.
26:33What are they called?
26:34Er...
26:34Janet.
26:35Janet.
26:37Janet.
26:38Janet.
26:39Janet.
26:39Janet is the name.
26:40Her surname is Janet and her first name is Janet.
26:42She's recommended.
26:43She's named it.
26:45David recommended Janet.
26:47You said they're chronic migraines.
26:49Yes.
26:49Cos there's, like, bright lights here.
26:51At some point, you may have suffered from them at work.
26:55I have.
26:55I've been struggling through like a brave little soldier.
26:58And no-one sort of...
26:59Doctor showbiz always takes over.
27:01Always.
27:02Showbiz could be David's surname.
27:05That's true.
27:05What are their names again?
27:07All of their names again?
27:08David!
27:08Showbiz.
27:09Jam-jan up.
27:11Steve's doing the web feet.
27:12Steve's doing the knees.
27:13Who's doing the knees?
27:15Eve.
27:16Eve.
27:16No, no.
27:17No, no.
27:17No, no.
27:17No, no.
27:20No, no.
27:21Is doing the knees.
27:22Her name's Eve, but she's got the initials S-T.
27:26She's a saint.
27:27She's a saint.
27:28I call her a saint.
27:29I think of her with S-T.
27:31I just, she's Saint Eve to me.
27:33So I call her Steve.
27:34Right, David.
27:36What's your team going to say?
27:37Do we think it's true that Lee is consulting a chiropodist called Steve who freezes his feet and then erodes
27:45away at the webbing?
27:48A knee specialist called Saint Eve.
27:51A shoulder specialist called David.
27:55Shoulders.
27:56And a head specialist called Jan-Janet.
27:59Shall we take a risk and say lie?
28:01Let's go.
28:03OK, well, they're saying it's a lie.
28:05Was it a lie or were you telling the truth?
28:07It's definitely a lie.
28:12Yes, it's a lie.
28:13Well, he isn't seeing medical professionals for his head, shoulders, knees and toes.
28:18And that noise signals time is up.
28:21It's the end of the show.
28:22And I can reveal David's team has won by five points to nil.
28:29Thanks for watching.
28:30We'll see you next time.
28:31Good night.
28:43Good night.
28:44Good night.
28:48Good night.
28:51Good night.
28:52Good night.
28:53Good night.
28:55Good night.
28:56Good night.
28:56Good night.
28:57Good night.
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