- 11 hours ago
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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Desiree Burch!
00:30Oh my God, yes! Hello, Apollo! You sexy, sexy bitch, how are you?
00:46It's so good to see you. It has been a long time, y'all. I got old, man, since the last time I saw you.
00:52I turned 45, like, yeah, like at least two or three years ago, I think. I don't know.
00:59It's hard to remember at my age, man. Look, here's what I'll tell you. I was born in 1979, which means I think I'm technically the very end of Generation X.
01:09Gen X, where are you guys at? Make some noise. Let me see you.
01:13There should be five times as many of us in here, but we're the generation that was decimated by AIDS and overdoses and crack and the most serial killers in all of history.
01:24Like, Satanists, Craigslist, you name it. Like, basically everything millennials have a true crime podcast about was our childhood.
01:34Just ask us, okay? But like, look, I'm just saying congrats, y'all. Whatever, however much therapy or drugs you did to make it to today, thank you for your service, okay?
01:44Boomers, where the hell are you guys, boomers? Make some noise, boomers, yes. Thank you for whooping, boomers.
01:51All of that energy from owning everything. Boomers.
01:55No, look, okay, I'm not, you guys already get too much hate. Like, it is not your fault houses used to be so damn cheap, is it, right?
02:02Houses used to cost less than eggs do now. You guys are like, let's buy a pallet of houses while we're out here shopping anyway, right?
02:08They'll make more. They didn't make more. That's not your fault, all right?
02:10I personally think, boomers, you guys deserve a lot more credit than you get, okay?
02:15You guys are the generation that fought for all of the rights that we all, unfortunately, have to fight for again, apparently, okay?
02:24But I'm old enough. I remember feminism and civil rights. They were fun. Thank you for that, all right?
02:28Also, you're still fighting now. You're still out there protesting, getting arrested, although it probably takes some off the energy bills at the end of the month, right?
02:35So I think you guys get a twofer for that. I'm just saying, thank you very much for everything that you have done for us.
02:41And while we're talking, boomers, about that will, I don't know if...
02:46You have all the houses I had to try. Okay, fine.
02:48What about Gen Z? Gen Z, the newest adults in the room. Where are you guys? Yes! Yes!
02:54You beautiful babies. Thank you for responding. Most of the time, Gen Z is like, ew, cringe. She's talking to me weird.
03:00No, seriously, Gen Z, you guys, like, have my whole heart. You guys are my favorites.
03:04Because much like Gen X, you are so young and so screwed.
03:10Like, it's how... Like, literally all the other generations just took the world, used it like a gym towel, did this.
03:16And then threw it in your face. Like, deal with it. Peace. Clean that up.
03:21Like, Gen Z, seriously, what I want to say is that right now, society as we know it is going away.
03:26All the old stuff is done.
03:28And there is a vacuum that your generation is going to be the ones to fill.
03:33So if you've got good ideas, bring them up.
03:35We are here to support you because you really are going to be the change makers, all right?
03:39And look, Gen X, especially, we've been waiting for the revolution for a couple of generations.
03:43So we're really here for it. Like, whatever we can do for you.
03:46I do not know what skills we have to offer, but if you ever need anyone to, like, handwrite you a letter in cursive for some reason...
03:54We got you, okay?
03:57You make a new constitution, we'll do the calligraphy, yo. We got you.
04:01All right?
04:02Man, now, okay, I assume the rest of you guys who have said nothing yet are millennials, yeah?
04:07Yeah.
04:09Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know how much you love yourselves, millennials.
04:11Okay, look, um, look, now, honestly, I'm not going to drag you guys either.
04:15You guys got shit for 20 years for liking avocados.
04:18Those things are amazing. Thank you.
04:20Last I checked, they're not indigenous to this wet, rake island.
04:24Thanks for the flavor, guys. We appreciate your work.
04:26I'm just saying, like, don't forget about the rest of us.
04:30The thing is, we don't hate you. We're just jealous.
04:33We're just jealous.
04:34Millennials, you guys got stuff all of us wanted.
04:37We were all working toward things, and you guys just reached out and grabbed them.
04:40You got stuff everybody wanted, like mental health and consent, you know?
04:49Man, ask Gen X if they wanted some consent.
04:51They'll tell you some war stories, okay?
04:53And mental health...
04:55Gen X, were the words mental and health even in the same sentence when we were kids?
05:00It wasn't even a concept back then in, like, the 80s and 90s.
05:04If you went as a Gen X kid at the age of 16 to your mom, like,
05:07Mom, I think I'm depressed.
05:09She'd be like, I don't know.
05:10Here's a packet of fags and a Smith CD.
05:12Like, grow the hell up.
05:14It's not having a personality, kid.
05:15Here's some eyeliner.
05:16Check out the cure.
05:17Like, leave me alone.
05:18Right?
05:19There's no chill for our little feelings, okay?
05:22So, like, we're jealous.
05:24Like, you...
05:25Millennials, you guys got the playgrounds that bounced you back up on your feet when you fell down.
05:29We just lost teeth and broke bones.
05:32Like, we were the first pancake, all right?
05:35We were the testers for you guys, and we just want you to appreciate what we went through.
05:40We were like the lab rats.
05:41We had all the dumb technology so you guys could have cool stuff.
05:44We had rotary phones for you guys.
05:47Anybody remember that rotary phone, that cinder block you had to carry through your house just to have a private conversation?
05:52Then when you're dialing the number, you got seven to ten chances to figure out if you still want to talk to this asshole.
06:00You started calling six months ago for some reason, right?
06:04You know what I mean?
06:05We had, like, Betamax, VHS, Laserdisc, Minidisc, like, video games you had to sexually pleasure before they'd even load up for you.
06:16Right?
06:17You remember that first, Nintendo?
06:18You were like...
06:19You were like, up and down.
06:22Blowing out the whole alphabet to get a plumber to show up.
06:31So you kids could have holograms of ABBA perform for you now.
06:38You know, like, how is that possible?
06:39Didn't they die, like, a decade ago?
06:41Like, what's going on?
06:42I'm just saying, like, Gen Z kids, one day y'all are going to get to see Tupac live.
06:48Right?
06:49I mean, still dead, you know, but, like, live.
06:52I grew up in L.A. in the 90s, and I didn't get to do that shit.
06:56So please, just for me, wheel my geriatric ass down to the front row so I can be like,
07:01West Side for life!
07:02And then flatline, okay?
07:03That's all I wanted for 30 years, okay?
07:06I mean, I, you know, like, y'all are just made different millennials.
07:09Like, I didn't expect it to be so stark, but, like, I, like, two years ago, I went to my
07:14first millennial wedding, okay?
07:16And when I say millennial wedding, I mean the bride breastfed at the altar.
07:21I'm not joking, right?
07:23Because they had the kid first because weddings are expensive and baby making is free, right?
07:27So they had the kid first, and then they had the wedding later, right?
07:30So by the time they're getting married, they've got this two-year-old, right?
07:33You know, who's, like, running down the aisle after his mom, like,
07:35Mama, I'm hungry.
07:36She whips out this milk-filled boob, pops it right into his mouth,
07:40and immediately, 200 millennials just erupt into applause.
07:44They're like, slay, queen, slay.
07:46Oh, my God.
07:47This is progress in motion.
07:49I was like, whoa.
07:51Made different, right?
07:52Now, also, this wedding was only taking place because the bride proposed to the groom.
07:59Yeah!
08:00Yep.
08:01Progress is here, guys.
08:02She proposed to her male, straight, cis-gendered fiancé,
08:06and I was like, girl, that is a baller move.
08:09And she's like, Desiree, look, I'm a professor, right?
08:10I'm always talking about feminism at university,
08:13and then I realized, what am I waiting for?
08:15Like, I know we're ready, right?
08:16And I could just as easily give him the same thing that I'm waiting for him to give me.
08:20I know how I'd like to do it, where I'd like to do it,
08:22and I was like, girl, that is incredible.
08:25Yes, go.
08:26Am I ever going to do that shit?
08:27No fucking way am I ever going to do that shit, all right?
08:29I am a full-blown Gen Xer.
08:31I've been waiting for four decades for a man to get on his knees so I could be like,
08:35maybe.
08:39I dub you, sir, maybe.
08:41Maybe, don't ask me at a steak restaurant in front of all these people.
08:45But, you know, she didn't need that, and I'm proud of her, right?
08:48You know, and I thought about that, and I was like, you know what?
08:50I'm also proud of him, right?
08:52You know, because there's a lot of straight dudes who would feel some type of way about
08:55a woman doing, taking over his role or whatever, right?
08:59You know, because he got proposed to.
09:00It was probably one of the most magical, most memorable, important days of his life.
09:05But also, at the same time, one of the most confusing, right?
09:09Because if we all remember how a wedding proposal tends to go, she will have had to have gotten
09:15down on one knee.
09:18Yep.
09:19And he thought some whole other shit was about to happen for at least a cool minute, right?
09:25She's down there like, will you make me the happiest woman in the world?
09:28He's like, holy shit, right here in the butterfly garden, babe?
09:31Yes, right?
09:32Then she had to stop him, like, no, honey, if you'll just wait, honey, actually, if you
09:36just look, just look at the ring, look at the ring, right?
09:43He's like, oh, oh, snap, sorry about that.
09:46In retrospect, the ring is rather small, but I just love you so much, babe.
09:48I love you so much.
09:49I'm just saying, you know, sometimes progress happens in an instant like that, you know?
09:52Like, never, never be afraid, you know?
09:55And I feel so bad for my boyfriend.
09:56I met him on an app, like, in 2020 during the lockdowns, right?
10:00It was amazing.
10:01Yes, nice.
10:03I mean, look, it was the only time dating on apps was actually sensible, was, like, right
10:07in the earliest part of the pandemic, because everyone I talked to on Hinge was suddenly
10:11being a decent person.
10:14Everyone I spoke to was just like, how's your family?
10:17How are you coping?
10:17How are you getting through this madness?
10:19Are you safe?
10:20Are you okay?
10:21Everyone I spoke to during that time was a reasonable, decent human being, with the exception
10:25of one dude whose opening gambit was, so what you wearing?
10:31April 2020, what am I wearing, sir?
10:35The same tear-soaked pajamas I've been wearing for three and a half weeks, with a terminal
10:40mustard stain ground to the left tit.
10:42Like, are we in the same planet, right?
10:45When am I wearing 25 masks, asshole?
10:48Are we on the same earth?
10:49What?
10:50You know, like, I love men, but I don't understand your priorities.
10:53Like, we're in the middle of viral Armageddon.
10:55He's still thinking about his dick.
10:57Like, I don't...
10:58You know, like, could he and I be running away in vain from a mushroom cloud, and he would
11:02stop and be like, dim titties, doe girl.
11:05Look at him.
11:05Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
11:06Like, you know, he would.
11:08That's why you're laughing.
11:09He totally friggin' would.
11:10Do you know what I mean?
11:11So, like, this guy that I've been with, I've still been with him this whole time.
11:14He's actually a millennial.
11:15He's one of y'all, right?
11:16He's, like, just a few years younger than I am.
11:19And, like, look, you know, the differences are slight, but they are there.
11:23You know, for instance, like, after sex, I'll want to cuddle.
11:27He'll want to watch Australian gamers play Call of Duty on YouTube.
11:32No, like, I shit you not, our aftercare's me sliding under his arm while we watch, like,
11:36the top 100 things you need to know about GTA V before you finish.
11:40Right?
11:40And I'm like, well, he already finished.
11:41Let me learn some stuff, right?
11:42Because, like, I know stuff you guys can do with Franklin you wish you knew.
11:46I've learned a lot about games I've never played, right?
11:48You know?
11:50And, like, here's the thing.
11:51It's been so wonderful to find somebody that I absolutely adore in this time in my life
11:55because it took me this long to accept certain things about myself.
11:59Like, you know, I've always loved dad bod, but in my mid-40s, it's all that's available to me,
12:04and I'm fine with that, right?
12:06I also have always loved bald men.
12:08He is a bald guy, and I love bald guys.
12:11Yes, shiny kings, I see all of you.
12:13Yes.
12:14Like, bouncing off your head like a halo.
12:16I love you guys, okay?
12:19And also, young women, if you've never gone home with a bald guy, treat yourself, girl, okay?
12:23There's nothing sexier than seeing a shiny head between your legs when you look down.
12:28Looking like a little hard hat down there, because that man is at work, okay?
12:34Trust.
12:36All right?
12:38He takes care of it.
12:40And look, let us all remember how male pattern baldness works.
12:44Typically, a man loses his hair because he has so much testosterone coursing through his veins
12:53that it has scared the hairs off the top of his head and directly into his butt crack.
12:59That's where they went.
13:01They didn't fall out.
13:02They moved to a better neighborhood, okay?
13:05They found community.
13:06They're raising family down there, all right?
13:08And I appreciate that all bald men, by dint of their baldness, have all had to survive an ego death.
13:17That is important to me as a grown-ass woman.
13:19I need to be with a man who's gone through something, right?
13:21Like, all bald men have had to let go of dreams that they used to have.
13:25Like, they used to want to get a motorcycle with the wind whipping through their hair.
13:28They can't do that, right?
13:29They wanted to grow a ponytail and not look like 90s Danny DeVito.
13:32They can't do that.
13:34They got to think about sunscreen all the damn time.
13:36Like, life is real.
13:37There are consequences.
13:38I can't be messing around with some dude with a full head of hair still thinking all his dreams are going to come true.
13:43Like, grow up, you know?
13:45No, Dave, your dad band isn't going to take off for 50.
13:47Please, stop it, right?
13:49You know, and he was one of these guys, like, he was losing it as a teenager.
13:52My boyfriend started losing his hair at, like, 16.
13:56That is rough, right?
13:57What has that got to be like, to be a teenager?
14:00Like, you're just starting to get hairs growing in down here.
14:03Meanwhile, all the other ones are falling out of the top in the same shower drain.
14:07How messed up is that?
14:08Like, he was that dude who, like, got to university already looking like Phil Collins.
14:12You know what I'm talking about?
14:13There's always one.
14:14You're looking at a frat party.
14:15You're like, why is there a professor here?
14:17And he's like, what?
14:17I'm a freshman.
14:18I'm also a freshman.
14:19What?
14:19Right?
14:20I'm like, that's hardcore, you know?
14:22And, like, just so I accurately paint the picture, he is a luscious bald man, but he is also a Greek Cypriot.
14:28So I need you to understand that there is no hair here.
14:31But from the eyebrows, y'all, like, all the way down to, like, he looks like if an Ewok became a monk.
14:44That is...
14:44I'm so happy somebody cut him eye holes and a mouth hole so we could meet.
14:50My God.
14:51So cute.
14:52Do you know what I mean?
14:52Like, yeah, and, like, he has this big beard, too.
14:56It's his pride and joy.
14:57He's got this, like, Osama bin Lovin' looking beard.
14:59It's massive, right?
15:00And he's, as a black woman, I have never seen anyone take better care of their hair than this man does of his beard.
15:06He is putting oils and tinctures on it.
15:08He's encouraging it, doing affirmations for that beard and stuff.
15:12And I'm like, wow, you were really into that.
15:13But I realized that part of it is because other men have beard envy, and I never knew this about you guys, right?
15:21Like, sir, you've got a gorgeous beard right there.
15:23I'm looking at you in the white shirt.
15:24It's beautiful.
15:26Would you have more if you could?
15:28Would you?
15:29Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:30Every time I ask you, they're like, oh, yeah, I would grow it down here like ZZ Top.
15:33Oh, yeah.
15:34Like, basically, if you know a man with any amount of facial hair, every dude with a beard in his head has an image of a different dude with a bigger beard that he would like to hang out with, like, learn things from, maybe do an apprenticeship with, sniff when he's not looking, maybe get some of the good beard pheromones.
15:53Like, you know, like, it's just a weird thing.
15:55And I've witnessed it because we were on one of our first socially distanced dates, right?
15:59We're walking around in the summer of 2020 in a park, you know, two meters apart.
16:03And I see this man from, like, 100 meters away with a lovely beard, spot my boyfriend's beard, like, ahoy, go right up to him.
16:10Like, in the middle of a viral pandemic, he gets all up in his face, and he's like, bro, your beard is beautiful.
16:19It's majestic.
16:20He said majestic.
16:21Like, it was like an endangered bird in flight.
16:24He was like, oh.
16:25And he's like, bro, what are you putting on that?
16:27Are you doing oil or wax or pomade?
16:29Are you taking supplements, man?
16:31Are you juicing, man?
16:32I'll juice.
16:32I don't care.
16:32I'll juice.
16:33You tell me right now.
16:34I was like, what is happening?
16:35And my boyfriend was like, this happens all the time.
16:38I was like, this?
16:39This happens all the time.
16:40This man saw your facial hair and supplicated himself to you.
16:43He saw your beard, and he went, my lord, my liege, how may I serve you?
16:48I was like, what is this?
16:50And my boyfriend's like, dude, what are you going to do?
16:52I'm Greek.
16:52It's just jeans.
16:53What are you going to do?
16:53And I was like, yeah, if you like that, you should see his back.
16:56That's where he keeps the good stuff, man.
16:58That's where the single malt is.
16:59Make him show you that.
17:01Right?
17:01Like, he's got the kind of hairy where, like, if he doesn't shave the neck back in, the forest reclaims the entire street.
17:06Do you know what I mean?
17:07It's for real.
17:08And it precludes us from doing certain things, right?
17:10He has a daughter with his ex, and I was like, you know, next weekend, we should take her to the zoo.
17:14And I was like, oh, no.
17:16I cannot take your hairy ass to a zoo.
17:18Like, I could not walk a hominid that hairy past a gorilla cage and not expect an incident to wind up on the news.
17:26Like, a gorilla would see my boyfriend on the other side of glass and be like, but us, same.
17:35Us, same.
17:37But me, prison him, vape pen?
17:39What?
17:40You know, like, it would be pandemonium.
17:43I'm going to leave you guys on this.
17:44I will just say, he's the kind of hairy, just to drive the point home.
17:48He's the kind of hairy where, like, I've never wanted to make a sex tape.
17:52That's not the kind of thing I'm into.
17:54But, like, every time he and I do have sex, I feel like Sir David Attenborough should be narrating that.
17:59Like, right?
18:01And he might need to fight another Cypri and then do a shiny head dance at the end.
18:06And then we'll put a plea for the environment in there.
18:08All right, you guys are so much fun.
18:10Are you ready to have an amazing night?
18:13Oh, my God.
18:14You are the best audience ever, Apollo.
18:17All right.
18:17I'm about to bring out a good friend and an amazing comic.
18:21Please put your hands together and give some love to Suzy Ruffell.
18:25Hello.
18:26Good evening, live at the Apollo.
18:42I'm very excited to be with you all this evening.
18:44First things first, I should let you know, I've got a little headset mic.
18:48A little headset mic.
18:49A little Britney mic.
18:50I took a photo of myself wearing it to send to my wife.
18:53Yes, I've got a wife.
18:54My hair's not on accident.
18:55Neither's the vibe.
18:58Took a picture to send to my wife.
18:59Wanted to say, it's Britney, bitch.
19:01Okay?
19:02My phone auto-corrected it to, it's Britney, butch.
19:07Which I think works.
19:09I think that works.
19:11Now, before I came to this wonderful venue this evening, I picked up my daughter from school.
19:15I've got one child, but I'm in the one and done gang.
19:18I'm very happy to have one.
19:19She's the best thing that ever happened to me, but we are one and done.
19:22But when you have one child, people love to suggest that you should have another one.
19:26People are always going, you can have another one.
19:28Go on, have another one.
19:28Have a little another one.
19:29Go on, have another one.
19:30Have a little another one.
19:31Go on, have another one.
19:31Have a little another one.
19:32Have a little another one.
19:33Go on, have another one.
19:34It's mainly my mum.
19:35She loves garage.
19:40And...
19:41We loved it.
19:44By the way, I don't think you should have an opinion on how many kids people have,
19:47or anything like that.
19:49You know, but we have one.
19:50Now, there's a mum at school that has six, okay, which is a few, sure.
19:56Sure.
19:57Okay, we go to the park after school.
19:59Her six run off.
20:00My one goes and joins them.
20:02And then she turned to me and went, oh, don't you think it's sad?
20:06Don't you think it's sad that she hasn't got a sibling?
20:08And I thought, oh, don't you think it's sad?
20:10Don't you think it's sad you look so tired?
20:13I think that's quite sad.
20:16I didn't say it, I just thought it.
20:18But now I've got to get out of jail free card now when people say to me, you're going to have another one, you're going to have another one, you're going to have another one, you're going to have another one.
20:24Now what I say is, my wife and I have stopped using protection and we're leaving it in the hands of God.
20:37That seems to work.
20:40So I picked my daughter up from school today, I drop her off, I pick her up.
20:43I'm going to be honest with you though, I don't know what she's doing there.
20:48Because I can't get any information out of her.
20:51I pick her up from school, how was school?
20:54Who did you play with?
20:55My friends.
20:56Did you eat your lunch?
20:58I can't get any information out of her.
21:00I don't know if I'm dropping her to school or MI5.
21:03I'm not sure when they get there if they just bust them down to Bletchley Park.
21:09I can't get any information.
21:10Until bedtime.
21:15Oh yeah, there's some parents in, you know about this.
21:17You'll say, no night, no night darling, love you, no night, no night, no night.
21:21And as I get to the door, she'll go, I have some information you might be interested in.
21:28The spy has cracked, the asset is compromised.
21:32I'll go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:33I played with Mia and Lily.
21:34Oh, that's really nice, okay, no night, no night, no night.
21:38And she said, you know, Mia's daddy had a different wife when he met Mia's mummy.
21:47My interest has peaked.
21:50You've brought yourself some time, little one, I get the nightlight and put it right in her face.
21:53Tell me everything you know.
21:54She said, well, Mia's mummy taught Mia's daddy to play tennis.
22:01And then he left the old wife.
22:03And she hit his car with a hammer.
22:06And it's a Mercedes.
22:08I'm like, wow, that is a lot of information from a five-year-old.
22:12But thank you very much, I need to go and start a splinter WhatsApp group with some of the mums.
22:17But she tries to keep me in the room.
22:19Starts throwing out mad shit.
22:21She'll be like, oh, do badgers have knees?
22:23Huh?
22:24Do fish celebrate birthdays?
22:27Maybe.
22:28Then she'll start doing the love stuff.
22:29I love you.
22:30I love you too.
22:30I love you so much, Mama.
22:31I love you so much, darling.
22:33I love you so much.
22:35Last night I was putting her to bed.
22:37She said to me, hey, Mama, when are you going to get a job?
22:43I said, I've got a job.
22:44She said, no, when are you going to get a proper job?
22:46I said, I've got a job.
22:48I said, you know what I do?
22:49I said, tomorrow night I'm going into London.
22:52I'm going to play live at the Apollo.
22:53She said, what are you going to do?
22:55Will you do a Taylor Swift number?
22:56I said, no.
22:58I won't do a Taylor Swift number.
22:59I'm going to talk.
23:00And she went, oh, just you?
23:05I said, yeah.
23:06She said, for how long?
23:08I said, about 20 minutes.
23:09And then she went, boring.
23:12No night.
23:14No night.
23:16I recently found out that I am middle-aged.
23:19I'm 39.
23:20I found out I'm middle-aged.
23:21I don't know if you found out in the same way as me.
23:23I got an email from Gabby Logan.
23:27Saying, would you like to come on my podcast about being middle-aged?
23:32And I said, Gabby, I think you've got the wrong person.
23:34And she said, no, I've seen your Wikipedia.
23:37And I said, great, I'll see you on Friday.
23:39Now, what I will say is that I've noticed myself getting a little bit older.
23:44And I feel like it happened like that.
23:46It happened like that.
23:46It feels like one minute I was pulling an all-nighter at a rave in Hackney
23:49and feeling totally fine the next day.
23:51And the very next minute, I was turning down my radio in my car so that I could reverse.
23:57When did I start doing that?
23:58I didn't know I did that.
23:59Or looking out of the window and going, I could drive some washing today.
24:02When did that happen?
24:04When did I start doing that?
24:06Got a problem on my shoulder now.
24:07Got to see a physio every month.
24:08Got a problem on my rotator cuff.
24:10Want to know how I damaged my rotator cuff?
24:12Just rotating it.
24:14That is life now.
24:17And my face has changed a bit.
24:19Now, of course, my face has changed a bit.
24:20That makes perfect sense.
24:21But I didn't realise how much my face had changed until I saw myself on telly.
24:25Now, I never usually watch myself on telly.
24:28And my daughter can never watch me on telly because I swear too much.
24:31But I was on Sunday brunch.
24:32And you're not allowed to swear on Sunday brunch.
24:35You can't be like, fuck me, this paella's banging.
24:37I could eat six of these slags.
24:39You can't say that.
24:41A producer comes over to you and says, please don't say you could eat six of these slags.
24:45Thank you so much.
24:46So, it goes out live.
24:49And then I go home.
24:49And my daughter wants to watch it on catch-up.
24:51So, we put it on and it's like Sunday brunch.
24:53And the panel comes up and my daughter goes, oh, Mama.
24:56And I was like, yeah, that's me.
24:57And then it did a close-up of me and it said, Susie Ruffles here to talk about her tour.
25:00And my daughter went, Mama, your face.
25:03And I was like, whoa.
25:04My face.
25:05So, that is my face.
25:07And what I've realized is when I do my makeup, I take my glasses off.
25:12So, I have a very soft focus.
25:15But the camera had a very hard focus.
25:19So, I started seeing all these parts of my eyes that I'd never seen before all around my hair.
25:23And so, I started talking to one of my friends about it.
25:25And I said, look, babe, I'm thinking about having, not loads, but I'm thinking about having just a little bit, just a tiny bit, just a wincey bit of Botox.
25:31Just a tiny bit of Botox.
25:33And she said to me, no, babe, don't do it.
25:35Don't get Botox.
25:36Don't become one of those women that has Botox.
25:38You don't need Botox because you look amazing.
25:41What she didn't know is that I'd already had the Botox.
25:45And that's why I was looking so good.
25:48Then she said to me, I'm surprised you've had Botox because you're such an ardent feminist.
25:53And I'll be honest with you, I'm surprised too.
25:55I mean, I can't show it anymore.
25:59But I am.
26:01Then she said, I'm surprised you've had Botox because you're a lesbian.
26:04I was like, whoa.
26:06What kind of homophobic gymnastics do you have to do to get to that?
26:10By the way, homophobic gymnastics, something I would watch.
26:15Double back lip and she stuck it.
26:17The dike from Norway, 10 points to her.
26:19I'd watch that.
26:20What she means is I'm not doing it for the attention of men.
26:22And I'm not.
26:23Come on, give me some self-respect.
26:24I am a 39-year-old mother.
26:26I am not having Botox so men think I'm fit.
26:30Having Botox so women think I'm fit.
26:32It's different.
26:32But it's good that I'm not doing it for the attention of men because sometimes men don't see me.
26:43Sometimes men don't see me.
26:44The other day I was walking through London and a man bumped into me, bumped right into me.
26:48And then went, oh, sorry, son.
26:53I'm not a teenage boy.
26:55And I wasn't in like trackies and a cap.
26:57I was dressed up.
26:58I had on my lipstick.
26:58I had on my eyeliner.
26:59Like, I know I've got short hair, but I'm clearly a woman.
27:02Like, he was bold.
27:03I didn't think he was an eagle.
27:08Look at the wingspan on you.
27:10You're huge.
27:10But I don't know.
27:14And I'm talking mainly to the straight men in the room at the moment.
27:16I don't know if the straight men know how many women are currently coming out.
27:22I don't know if you know this.
27:24Last year, over the space of three months, three women that I knew told me they had opened their dating preferences to include women.
27:32And I'm here to tell you, the lesbians simply don't have the resources for the amount of women that are currently coming out.
27:43We simply don't have the back catalogue of women to get through all of these newly identifying gay women.
27:49Let me tell you, Claire Boulding's on her knees.
27:52We simply...
27:52We simply don't have enough women.
28:01I've got one friend, very cool, androgynous, lesbian, very hot.
28:05She exclusively, exclusively, sleeps with straight women.
28:09She has slept with so many straight women, we've started calling her Tina, because sooner or later she's going to turn you.
28:17Okay?
28:18And that's not a joke, that's just something that's happening in my friendship group.
28:21So I'm letting the men know.
28:22I don't want any of the men to think I'm having a go at them.
28:23I don't.
28:24I want all the men in the room to know that I am a male ally.
28:26I want you to know that I'm a male ally.
28:27I've seen three of the Fast and the Furious films, because you've got to do the work.
28:30Okay?
28:31I'm a male ally, so I'm just letting men know.
28:33Because you might think it's a teenage boy on his way to deliver a paper, but it's not.
28:38That's an androgynous lesbian on their way to fuck your wife.
28:41Another way I know that I'm getting older is we've got our first divorces in my friendship group.
28:59Because of the divorce, it now means that one of my best friends is single.
29:02Now, Jules is Scoush Jules.
29:04She's from Liverpool.
29:05And I don't know if you need both.
29:07She's on the apps, and that means we're all living vicariously through Jules.
29:13It's very exciting.
29:14Now, Jules is straight, and that's fine, because love is love.
29:17And...
29:19No, it is.
29:20Love is love.
29:20I just don't want to see it.
29:22And...
29:22And we're now living vicariously through her.
29:27Now, the other day, she rang me, right?
29:29It was just after I dropped my daughter to school, so quite early.
29:32So I was like, all right, hon, is everything okay?
29:33She went, Suze, ask me what I did last night.
29:37I said, what did you do last night?
29:38She said, I had a swipey swipe date.
29:41I said, oh, how was it?
29:42She said, put it like this.
29:43I'm on my way home now.
29:45I said, oh, my goodness, a sleepover.
29:47How exciting.
29:48How was it?
29:49She said, Suze, it was amazing.
29:50It was incredible.
29:51We had sex all night long.
29:54Now, I don't know if it's me getting older, but I couldn't think of anything I'd like to do less.
29:59Have sex all night long.
30:02Imagine getting to 3 a.m. and thinking, bloody hell, I've got four more hours of this.
30:08You'd be on the cranberry juice for a week.
30:10No, thank you.
30:17It is a privilege to do this show.
30:20My name's Suze.
30:21I'll see you another time.
30:22Cheers.
30:29Keep it going for Suze Waffle, y'all.
30:33Right?
30:34Absolute national treasure.
30:36Okay, look.
30:37I've got one more for you.
30:39This young man is the future of comedy, and you're going to love him.
30:42Put your hands together.
30:43Make some noise for Finley Christie.
30:46Oh, this is good, this.
31:03How's it going?
31:04You guys all right?
31:05Yeah.
31:05Good to be here, man.
31:08I'm Finley.
31:09I'm 26.
31:12It's nice to be a young comedian, but, you know, I'm trying to engage more with, like, elderly culture.
31:19I was listening to the news the other week on the radio.
31:26It's all, like, old people moaning about being cold.
31:29It's all cold, old people, isn't it?
31:37I'm young and hot.
31:38I was listening to the other day.
31:45It was an old lady calling in to, like, a talk radio station.
31:49She calls in.
31:50She goes, oh, Nick, I can't afford to heat my house.
31:56I was thinking, I'll never have one, you know.
32:02Like, to a young person, I can't afford to heat my house does just sound like a brag.
32:13It sounds like I can't afford to fuel my Porsche.
32:16It's like, you have a house.
32:20With a chairlift.
32:24I mean, you have stairs you don't even use.
32:30I'd pay good money to live under those stairs.
32:38Everything, everything she says, she's complaining, but to me it sounds like a boast.
32:42Like, at one point she's like, well, since last year, I, I live alone.
32:50Well, that, no flatmates, you made it out of the hood.
32:57She's like, I have to take pills every day.
33:00That's gangster, congratulations.
33:01I'm 26, I feel like on my own in a big house, everyone from school's dead.
33:07That's the dream, man.
33:08I don't follow climate change news either, which is, it's bad, isn't it?
33:20It's bad.
33:22I don't follow, well, I smoke weed and watch Frozen Planet.
33:24It's as close as it gets.
33:29But it's not like, it's not relaxing activity.
33:32I think it used to be.
33:33I think people used to, you know, smoke weed, watch a nature documentary.
33:37It was like a relaxing thing, but there's a climate change.
33:40You know, I was, oh man, I was, I was doing it the other day.
33:44There was, there was a polar bear on a tiny piece of ice and I, I got sad.
33:51I started thinking about how sad it is.
33:56Obviously soon, because of climate change, the polar bears, they won't have any ice left.
34:00Future generations, they're not going to grow up in a world with polar bears.
34:04And that made me sad.
34:11And then the next clip in the show was of a polar bear, like, swimming.
34:22I was like, oh.
34:28They'll be fine.
34:34Like, no one, no one told me they could swim.
34:39I thought they were drowning.
34:44Now I want to see a polar bear on a little bit of ice.
34:47I'm like, look at this drama queen.
34:49Just swim to another, like a bigger bit.
34:54So I'm trying to get adopted, you know.
34:58Then I came up with a solution.
34:59I'm like, oh my God, I know how we save polar bears.
35:02The Arctic's too hot.
35:03We need to put the polar bears somewhere cold.
35:06I'm thinking, old people's houses.
35:16Right?
35:18Save the polar bears, get those lonely old people a nice warm friend.
35:24Some people get annoyed when they do comedy about generational stuff.
35:27You know, Gen Z, Millennial Boomer, isn't it all the same?
35:30I think there are some differences.
35:34The way we use social media, very different young to old, obviously.
35:39I think older people, even like the generation above me, I think older people tend to use social media to kind of show off about their achievements.
35:48Whereas, like, young people, we use it to, like, show off about our struggles.
35:53You look at the Instagram bio of an older person.
35:56They list their achievements.
35:58Be like, dentist, husband, father.
36:02It's like, my friends will put their mental disorders in their bio.
36:07Like, ADHD, autistic, plant-based.
36:11And, like, I can't.
36:18But, like, I don't have a disorder.
36:21I think it gets you some clout to have a disorder.
36:24I want something.
36:25I don't have anything.
36:26I'm too privileged.
36:27I don't have ADHD.
36:28I don't have PTSD.
36:29When I have Vietnam flashbacks, they're of a nice holiday.
36:34LAUGHTER
36:34I want something, you know, I want...
36:41I was at a party recently.
36:45I was telling a story in a group of people.
36:48It was going well.
36:50Then this girl starts talking about how she has OCD.
36:53Suddenly, the whole conversation is about her.
36:56Like, everyone forgot that I'm funny and interesting.
36:58LAUGHTER
36:59I was thinking, I was, I was annoyed.
37:04I was, you know, I was in the middle of telling a story
37:06about my time in Nam.
37:07LAUGHTER
37:09LAUGHTER
37:10You know, I did two tours, bus and walking,
37:14and then she comes along.
37:15LAUGHTER
37:16APPLAUSE
37:18APPLAUSE
37:19At the end of last year,
37:25I went to New Orleans in America,
37:27like a party town in America,
37:31and it got messy.
37:32I was out late at night.
37:33It was 4 a.m.
37:34I was drunk.
37:35I was on my own.
37:36My friends had gone back to the hotel.
37:37These two women saw me from across the street in New Orleans.
37:41They shouted at me from across the street.
37:43They went,
37:43Hey!
37:45Baby boy.
37:48We...
37:48..wanna fuck you.
37:51LAUGHTER
37:51And I believed them.
37:56LAUGHTER
37:56And I got robbed, and...
38:04LAUGHTER
38:05Yeah.
38:09They fucked me, all right?
38:10LAUGHTER
38:11They were like,
38:13Oh, they saw me from across the street,
38:15they were like,
38:16Oh, come and get in our car, right?
38:19And I'm from London,
38:19I've never been in a car.
38:21Obviously, I'm going to...
38:22LAUGHTER
38:22And I'm thinking, in my head,
38:24I'm like, I'm doing this for the plot, right?
38:27I'm going to get some kind of story out of this,
38:29whether this goes well or badly.
38:31You know, I'm going to get some kind of...
38:32Either the story's going to be,
38:34Oh, my God, remember Finlay had that threesome,
38:36or the story's going to be,
38:37Oh, my God, remember Finlay?
38:39So, like, either way...
38:40LAUGHTER
38:41I'm getting some kind of story, right?
38:46I get in their car.
38:48They hand me a drink,
38:50and I'm drinking with them.
38:53Chatting, having a good time.
38:54I realise, pretty quickly,
38:57that I've been drugged.
38:59Now, jokes on them,
39:01I love drugs.
39:03LAUGHTER
39:04The stuff that they spiked me with,
39:07I recognised it,
39:09I spiked myself with it all the time.
39:10LAUGHTER
39:11It's a drug called diazepam,
39:14it's part of the benzodiazepine family,
39:18a family I love more than my own.
39:21LAUGHTER
39:21So I'm in the car.
39:25They've tried to knock me out.
39:27It's not worked.
39:29LAUGHTER
39:29I'm looking at them.
39:31Do you guys have any more, actually?
39:33LAUGHTER
39:33They go into plan B.
39:37The driver...
39:38So I'm in the passenger seat, right?
39:39Woman in the driver's seat,
39:40woman in the back seat.
39:42The woman in the driver's seat,
39:43she reached into my trousers
39:44and she went,
39:46Ooh...
39:47You got a fat cock.
39:52Give me your credit card,
39:53I'll go buy us some condoms.
39:58Alarm bell should have been going.
40:00LAUGHTER
40:01Because I do not have a fat cock.
40:06LAUGHTER
40:07But apparently,
40:13if you tell me I have a fat cock,
40:16I'll give you my credit card.
40:19LAUGHTER
40:20I'm like, where I'm from,
40:23we call it a chubby willy.
40:24There you go.
40:25LAUGHTER
40:26So I'm a car down.
40:30I'm still in their car, though,
40:32so I'm thinking they're going to come back.
40:33They do come back.
40:35We're driving along.
40:36I'm out of it.
40:38I'm in a Hawaiian shirt.
40:40You know?
40:41Well, actually, it was just a normal shirt,
40:43but it was from Hawaii.
40:44LAUGHTER
40:44And then we get to where I think their place is.
40:48I'm excited.
40:50They're like, oh, we're here.
40:51I'm like, yes.
40:52Open the car door,
40:53get out the car,
40:55shut the car door behind me.
40:57And the car screeches off
40:58down the road,
41:00just a dot on the horizon.
41:02I check my pockets.
41:02I don't have my phone or my card.
41:05I was like, fair enough.
41:07Do you know what I mean?
41:08It was like 80, 20, get robbed,
41:11have a threesome, I rolled the dice.
41:13LAUGHTER
41:13You would have done the same thing, you know.
41:19Managed to find my way home.
41:22Found my way home,
41:24woke up the next morning,
41:25checked my online banking,
41:27they spent a grand on my card.
41:29Got that refunded from the bank, though.
41:32Had to get a new phone,
41:34but I needed a new phone.
41:37LAUGHTER
41:37So really...
41:41LAUGHTER
41:42I just spent the difference in price of the phone
41:47to get in a car, get some drugs,
41:49have a fat cock for 12 minutes.
41:52LAUGHTER
41:53I robbed them.
41:58LAUGHTER
42:00I feel bad.
42:08I called my mum that morning.
42:10I don't know what else to do.
42:10I called my mum.
42:11I told her it was that mum I got robbed.
42:15She was like, are you hurt?
42:16I said, no.
42:18She said, did they have a gun?
42:20I said, no.
42:23She said, well, how...
42:25LAUGHTER
42:26How did you get robbed?
42:34LAUGHTER
42:34I was like, they had a gun, I forgot.
42:37LAUGHTER
42:38She's like, they said you had a fat cock, didn't they?
42:51LAUGHTER
42:52This has been pretty cool, this.
42:57Um...
42:58Yeah.
43:00LAUGHTER
43:01Cheers.
43:03LAUGHTER
43:03LAUGHTER
43:04LAUGHTER
43:05LAUGHTER
43:06LAUGHTER
43:07LAUGHTER
43:08Hey, well done!
43:10LAUGHTER
43:10LAUGHTER
43:11Give it up for Finley Christie!
43:13LAUGHTER
43:14LAUGHTER
43:15LAUGHTER
43:16Have you had a fantastic night, Apollo?
43:18LAUGHTER
43:19LAUGHTER
43:19Yes, yes, you sexy witch.
43:22All right, let's give it up one more time
43:23for all the acts you've seen tonight.
43:25Give it up for Suzy Ruffell.
43:26LAUGHTER
43:27LAUGHTER
43:27LAUGHTER
43:28Finley Christie, and I've been Desiree Birch.
43:33LAUGHTER
43:34And you've been an absolute pleasure.
43:36Good night, Apollo!
43:37LAUGHTER
43:39LAUGHTER
43:41LAUGHTER
43:45LAUGHTER
43:47LAUGHTER
43:49LAUGHTER
43:51LAUGHTER
43:53LAUGHTER
43:55LAUGHTER
43:56LAUGHTER
43:57йЬ
44:13LAUGHTER
44:19LAUGHTER
44:21MUSIC
44:22HEX
44:23HEX
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