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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Tom Davis!
00:30Yes, friends, yes, thank you for being here tonight, are we good, have a spin?
00:49Oh, baby, yeah, can I say that feels good, I'm just going to get this out of the way, I played
00:56a gig at the weekend and it didn't go so well, I played the Hair Awards, let me tell you,
01:04as a bald man, that's a long four hours, you know the worst thing of it, at the end of
01:11the Hair Awards, the guy organising it come over to me and he goes, well done tonight,
01:15mate, nice one, here's a goodie bag, what am I going to do with a goodie, there was volumiser
01:21in there, I'm like, that's like giving a goldfish a parachute, can I make an omission, are we
01:29friends, can I tell you a secret, I'm as high as a kite, absolutely off my suite, not in
01:37an old school way, I've not been at the coke, no, I'm on cocaudamol, the dad's drug, let
01:44me break it down, I was putting my daughter to bed this evening, which weirdly is the time
01:48I usually like a couple of lines of cocaine, I find the Gruffalo's a better book when you're
01:55off your nut, the mouse took a stroll through the deep dark wood, don't cry dad, it's the
02:07Gruffalo, no one understands him, it's a weird thing, I put my daughter to bed, I don't know
02:13how many parents we've got in the room, make some noise, parents, it's a bizarre, I'm still
02:18struggling with the whole, the sleep thing, for example, when my daughter does go to sleep,
02:22when she is sleeping, I'm in there every five minutes, just to make sure she's still breathing,
02:26I don't know if you do this thing, running in, going, she's alright, she's fine, she's
02:32okay, just check again, just check again, she's fine, she's okay, actually just check one
02:37more time, I worry I'm still doing that when she's 21, sorry mate, just checking she's, didn't
02:55know you were staying over, you're only dropping off a pizza, we're going through a thing at
03:04a moment with her where you put her to bed, and you have to wait now for about seven
03:09hours until she actually goes to sleep, you have to sit in the room until she's into a
03:13deep deep sleep, and that's, that's, you sit in a corner, she's like, just sit over there
03:17until I'm asleep, and you're like, okay, so you sit in a corner, and then you've got to
03:21try, you know, wait two, three hours before you can sneak out, it's very hard to sneak when
03:25you're my size, you're six foot seven, everything creaks when I stand, I've got flatulence now,
03:29so it's like, as I'm making my way out of the room, a little head pops up like a sniper
03:41and goes, where are you going dad, I need you to wait until I'm probably asleep, it's
03:49probably you idiot, I was in there tonight, and I know I've got to be here, so I think
03:55I've got to get out, I've got to sneak out best I can, so I start sneaking out, and in
04:00my daughter's room, there's a chest of drawers, I've always got on with this chest of drawers
04:04before, never ever had a problem with it before, never once in my life, as far as I know, me
04:08and the chest of drawers, we're on good terms, I start coming out of the room, and I walk
04:12past the chest of drawers, and as I walk past the chest of drawers, I catch three of my
04:16toes, smash, the pain sears through my body, but I can't scream, I can't make a sound,
04:23because if I make a sound, I'm going to wake her, and then I won't be able to be here,
04:27so I do the most insane thing, Apollo, I silently scream, I go like this,
04:33like, that's a better thing for my daughter to wake up and see her dad in her room, just
04:44there, looking at her going, and this is where this gets worse, I start, I start freaking
04:52out of the chest of drawers, like it's a geezer who's knocked my pint over in her weatherspoons,
04:55you prick, you snidey little prick, I'm a nice guy, it's like fantasising about what
05:02I'm going to do to the chest of drawers tomorrow, like I wave my wife off to work, my daughter
05:06off to nursery, then go upstairs, into the bedroom, walk up and go, you still want to
05:09go now, you still want to make one with me in the cold light of day, drag it down to
05:15the garage, I'm not going to beat it up, not in my daughter's bedroom, that would be
05:18psychopathic, take it to the garage, light a cigarette, pour a whiskey like I'm in a
05:22Tarantino movie, start circling it going, come on then, let's have you now, pick up
05:27the sledgehammer and just start smashing the granny out of it, you tell all the rest
05:31of the stuff to not mess with me in the house, you tell that French door to close when I
05:34push it, I think I'm carrying a lot of inner rage, that's what it is, on the basis my
05:41daughter doesn't respect me, she's three and a half, she's got no respect for me at all,
05:45nothing, for example, she started school this week, right, first day of school, she's at
05:49the bottom of the stairs, she's trying to put her little shoes on, she's got them on
05:52the wrong feet, she's struggling with the laces, struggling to do up the velcro and I come
05:56over and go, I've got this, come here, I'll do this for you, put the shoes on the right
06:00feet, do the laces, do the velcro, I go, there we go, have a good day, and she stands
06:04up and looks at me up and down, she goes, oh wow dad, amazing, it was pretty amazing,
06:13you've been there for 45 minutes, make an absolute idiot out of yourself, we've been
06:18going through the Disney phase, parents in the room, we've done the Disney phase, we've
06:23been going film by film, we started off with Beauty and the Beast, started watching Beauty
06:27and the Beast 10, 15, 20 times a day, we're watching Beauty and the Beast and at the end
06:30of the day, she'd turn around and go, dad, dad, can we play Beauty and the Beast, obviously
06:34that can only go one way, feels like the start of therapy in 30 years otherwise, doesn't
06:40it, why have you got such a low opinion of yourself, Grace, I was like three and me
06:45and my dad would play Beauty and the Beast and he'd put on a yellow dress and just prance
06:49around the room, obviously, obviously, she's Beauty and the Beast and we'll be playing and
06:56she'll be going, come here beast, come here disgusting beast, come here dirty beast, vile beast,
07:02come here grubby disgusting beast, I'm like, I don't actually remember Belle being such a prick
07:08in the movie if I'm honest with you, before long though, Beauty and the Beast becomes
07:14tiresome, it becomes boring, she starts watching like Frozen and she's like, daddy, daddy, can
07:19we play Frozen, I was like, of course we can, she's like, I'm going to be Elsa, I'm like,
07:23good for you, nice, who am I, Olaf, Sven and she looked at me cold in the eye and she went,
07:30no dad, you're the beast, I said, there's not a beast in Frozen and she went, you're always
07:46the beast, subsequently I've been the beast in Toy Story, I was the beast in Moana, I was
07:54the beast in Up, I've been typecasting my own ass, beast, bizarrely that was a moment
08:06in my life that I thought, you know what, I've got to lose a bit of weight, I joined
08:10the gym, I always think, if you want to find a dickhead, go to the gym, favourite bit of
08:15kit in the gym that I love, more than anything in the world is the good girl, bad girl machine,
08:20do you know that one, it's when you sit there and go, good girl, bad girl, good girl, bad
08:24girl, good girl, I like a little bit of gym kit you sit at for ages, tuba Pringles, a couple
08:28of cans of Fosters, good girl, bad girl, good girl, bad girl, I'm in there the other day
08:34and this fellow bowls in, he's in full tennis whites, dressed up, by the way, has anyone
08:38here been to Wimbledon, just quickly, anyone, not the town, I mean the tennis, you've been
08:44to Wimbledon, yes, you enjoy it, I enjoy Wimbledon, I've got to say, I've been some
08:50place in my life, I've never, ever, ever felt as out of place anywhere in my life as Wimbledon,
08:55I felt like an XL bully walking through Crufts, bizarre place, anyhow, I mean this guy bowls
09:02in, he's in full tennis whites, perma-tanned and he walks up to this big mirror, bowls up
09:07slow like, looks himself up and down, gives a little sniff and goes,
09:11Hier,political and Flying Dated, thank you.
09:12It's dark, Shooter.
09:14It's dark, Jesse.
09:15It's dark, it's dark, I believe it's dark.
09:18It's dark.
09:18It's dark, it's dark.
09:19I'm not, it's dark, it's dark.
09:21It's dark, it's dark, there's dark beaux.
09:31You, basically, you want me to go overflash, you, my 가져영 all this, when I say it for
09:33whom I say it, it's dark, baby, you, it will be awful.
09:34I think to myself, this prick is playing shadow tennis and he's losing.
10:04It's a funny thing, they say to be healthy, to keep yourself healthy, you need two things,
10:09you need to work out, you need to stay fit, which I've got on lock as you can see, and
10:14you need a good diet, you've got to be on top of the diet.
10:16That is where I fall down, the diet.
10:18I am a greedy piece of shit by nature.
10:21For example, first thing I'll do when I get home tonight, won't be going to see my gorgeous
10:25wife, my Catherine, my girl, my world, make sure she's okay or checking in on my daughter.
10:29No, I go to my first love, the fridge, bowl into the kitchen, stick on a bit of Ed Sheeran,
10:36dim the lights, slowly walk up to her, pull her open, rest my chin on a shelf, look down
10:47and look up and go, no, who's coming to bed with me tonight?
10:52Have you ever seen Ham wince?
10:59Got a derrily dunker just making her run for the door.
11:02I'm disgusting when I get going.
11:04For example, the other week, I'm sitting there, I'm sitting watching Traitors.
11:07Anyone who's seen Traitors?
11:08I'm on the sofa.
11:09Do you watch Traitors?
11:10I like Traitors.
11:11All I wish it had was Danny Dole.
11:12I wish Danny Dole was in every programme.
11:14I love Danny.
11:15I love Danny.
11:16But you know like the moment, every morning when they sit around together at breakfast
11:20and they're all really worried about who's been murdered and who the traitor.
11:22And they're all so polite.
11:23They're going, who do you think did it?
11:25Who do you think's a traitor?
11:26Who do you think's been murdered?
11:28Who do you think the traitor is?
11:29Oh, I don't want to look at anyone.
11:30I'm so scared.
11:31I want Danny to come in seven Stellas deep.
11:33Just come bowling in going, are you the traitor?
11:37Are you the traitor?
11:38Are you the traitor?
11:39Are you?
11:40I'm the traitor.
11:41Right, complete it.
11:42Stick me in gladiators.
11:43I'm sitting there watching Traitors, right?
11:47I iron out a whole sleeve of Jaffa Cakes to myself.
11:51Whole sleeve, just gone.
11:53And it's disgusting.
11:54I get halfway through the sleeve of Jaffa Cakes and think, that's enough Jaffa Cakes.
11:58But I start just wedging them into my mouth, two by two.
12:00Just stuffing them in.
12:02I kick the wrapper across the floor like I'm in an MMA fight.
12:07Go out to my bedroom.
12:08Pull off my t-shirt.
12:09My gut falls over my Calvins.
12:11I just stand there looking in a falling mirror like, you're disgusting.
12:16That was disgusting.
12:17Show of greed down there with those Jaffa Cakes.
12:20You just demolished a whole sleeve of Jaffa Cakes to yourself.
12:24Families of four of an evening will share a sleeve of Jaffa Cakes.
12:30You just ate them on your own.
12:31You've got to do better.
12:32You're a dad now.
12:33Show some restraint.
12:35I get into bed.
12:36I lay there for about two or three minutes and think, that was a two pack of Jaffa Cakes.
12:43There's another sleeve downstairs.
12:45My biggest showing of greed of late, my biggest showing of greed was last year I took my wife out for Valentine's Day.
12:57I'm like, we're going out, babe.
12:58We're going to go somewhere lovely, have a right romantic one together.
13:01I mean, I should have probably dressed up a bit differently.
13:03I took her to a burger joint in North London.
13:07She got very dressed up, black dress, handbag, high heels.
13:11I was like, you're going to embarrass yourself in there.
13:13They give you a plastic bib to eat with.
13:16And the front, outside the front of this place,
13:19is a picture of what they say is London's biggest burger.
13:22I turn to my wife, all sexy like, and I'm like, I'm going to eat that tonight.
13:28And she's like, no, you're not.
13:30And I'm like, why? Don't you think I can?
13:33She went, no, I know you can.
13:35But it's Valentine's Day.
13:37And that would be disgusting.
13:40I took that as a flirty challenge.
13:43Sposed straight in the gaff, walked up to the waiter, went,
13:45Oi, John, get me one of the big burgers, pal.
13:47Get me a big burger.
13:48Burger comes out and let me tell you, Apollo, it was beautiful.
13:52Brioche bun, four beef patties, a little bit of bacon,
13:55some iceberg lettuce, blue cheese.
13:57There was a tomato in there.
13:58I kicked that mug straight out.
14:02Stay away from our burgers, you little prick.
14:05It's a pasta, sausage and salads.
14:07That's as political as I get.
14:11I pick this burger up.
14:13I look at my wife into her beautiful eyes.
14:15I give her a sexy wink.
14:16I open my mouth as wide as I can.
14:18I go and stuff the burger in there.
14:20And as I close my mouth down, it just stops.
14:24And there's a stick running through the middle of the burger.
14:27My wife at first is like, I told you not to be too big.
14:38I told her, and I'm like,
14:42Oh, shit.
14:43Then she starts worrying.
14:44She's like, the same wrong with my husband.
14:46The same wrong with my husband.
14:47I think he's having a heart attack.
14:49The whole rest of the restaurant is like,
14:51running over again.
14:52Is he okay?
14:53Is he all right?
14:54Everyone's panicking now.
14:55Are you okay?
14:56Are you okay?
14:57Are you okay?
14:58Are you okay?
14:59Are you okay?
15:00Are you okay?
15:01Are you okay?
15:02Panamonium.
15:03Everyone's worried.
15:04Everyone.
15:05Finally, one guy steps forward.
15:07Looks a bit like Bradley Cooper.
15:09I say he looks like Bradley Cooper.
15:11He looks like Bradley Cooper if you're driving really quickly down the road.
15:14You go, you see him?
15:15He looked like Bradley Cooper.
15:17You drive around the block, slow down.
15:18You go, no, he didn't.
15:19What a waste of both our time.
15:20He comes over and he leans forward and he goes,
15:25he's French by the way.
15:27I've seen this before somewhere.
15:30He's gone too big on his first bite.
15:33And he has a shtick caught in his mouth.
15:37Worrying anxiety turns to ridicule and laughter.
15:41Everyone just starts pissing themselves.
15:43Everyone's just laughing.
15:44My wife's laughing so much.
15:45She's got her forehead buried into this guy's chest.
15:48And she's like, oh, is that Tom Ford?
15:51One guy finds it so funny.
15:52He runs to the door of the restaurant,
15:54boots are open and goes, you've got to see this.
15:56Some fat wanker's got himself harpooned on a burger stick.
16:02People start coming in from out of the restaurant.
16:04People are leaving other restaurants.
16:05People are cancelling Ubers.
16:07All just to get a look at me selling that.
16:11All the time I'm just worried.
16:12I'm worried this is me for the rest of my life now.
16:14Gracie's wedding day like that coming down the aisle.
16:25Finally, my wife and Bradley Cooper stop kissing.
16:30And he leans forward and he says,
16:32I've seen this somewhere before.
16:34The only thing he can do is pull the burger from the stick
16:37and out of his mouth.
16:38Then we break the stick.
16:40I would arguably say, Apollo,
16:42the most disgusting, unromantic thing you're ever likely to see
16:46on Valentine's Day is this Wally.
16:48Pull a burger that's been in his mouth for about ten minutes,
16:51out of his mouth, watch him break a stick
16:53and then watch him pick the said burger up
16:55and go for a second bite.
16:58I'd say that's a Valentine's low right there.
17:07Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act?
17:11So I've got mad, got crazy,
17:13make some noise for my guy,
17:16Mr. K. Coe!
17:33Apollo, how are we doing? You well?
17:37Lovely, it's nice seeing you guys, man.
17:39Give me a share if you're over 30.
17:42Love that, my people.
17:44Back pain setting in already.
17:45Love it.
17:46Give me a share if you're in your 20s.
17:50I can't stand you guys.
17:53No, honestly, I've got to that age where I can't stand
17:55anything about young people.
17:56I hate you lot.
17:58I do.
17:59You know when they're like,
18:00let's leave the world in a better place for future generations.
18:04And you look at them.
18:09They're just like, let the world burn, bruv.
18:12They're going to put it on TikTok anyway.
18:15I can't stand you lot with that look that you all have,
18:17just that blank stare.
18:19Just like somewhere along the way you lot forgot that you have
18:23to communicate with your face.
18:25You just ask them anything and they're like,
18:28I hate you lot, man.
18:29You speak too much.
18:31You do.
18:32They talk too much.
18:33They just go on TikTok and tell you about their illnesses
18:35without anybody telling you why.
18:37Like they're just there.
18:38Just, yeah, yeah.
18:40Always talking about their illnesses.
18:41I was on TikTok the other day, this girl was like,
18:43follow me for a day in the life of somebody with IBS.
18:51What is going on guys?
18:53Like, when was it alright to start telling people
18:56you're walking around with a leaky bum hole, right?
19:03When did we okay this, right?
19:05When did we decide as a society this was okay, right?
19:08Like, do you know what happened when you used to suffer from IBS?
19:11You'd sit closest to the toilet and you'd shut up.
19:18I wouldn't tell a single soul I had IBS.
19:20Are you mad I'd hold that shit in?
19:25I wouldn't tell anybody I'm ill.
19:26Like, are you mad?
19:27Like, I would lie at every given opportunity.
19:31Why were you in the toilet?
19:32Cocaine!
19:33Like, they had me like...
19:34I would rather you thought I was a class-A drug addict
19:40than somebody that could poo myself when I sneeze, right?
19:47Everybody has to have a label these days, right?
19:49Well, you know, everyone's like,
19:50oh, I've got anxiety, I've got ADHD,
19:51I'm...
19:53I'm neurodiverse, I'm...
19:54I'm there.
19:55Do you know what it is?
19:56Somewhere along the line,
19:57someone made oppression look cool.
20:00And now everybody wants a piece of it, right?
20:02Like, and I blame X Factor.
20:03Remember back in the day,
20:04it used to have all those sob stories?
20:07It did, but you know the sob stories at the beginning
20:09when it first started?
20:10It was like real sob stories, innit?
20:12It was like,
20:13a single mum had beat cancer three times
20:15and she was like,
20:16I want to sing Whitney Houston.
20:17You were like, do whatever you like, bruv, like, just...
20:20Nowadays, you watch a TV programme about cleaning,
20:22it's a dad there going,
20:23yeah, it's really hard to clean being a single dad
20:26having a gluten intolerance.
20:27It's like, bruv...
20:35Everyone has to have a label.
20:36What happened to just being a bit weird?
20:39Do you remember that one?
20:40Like, why has he got his coat on indoors?
20:42I don't know, it's just a bit weird, innit?
20:47It was lovely, right?
20:54Why is he, like, faxing pictures of his cock?
20:56I don't know!
20:57He likes it!
21:00You made jokes about him
21:01and, you know, he felt included.
21:02Nah.
21:04Now you just go,
21:05how are the trains, Rick?
21:06And they're like,
21:07oh, did you know Rick's on the spectrum
21:08and you're in a HR meeting?
21:10It's like...
21:15It's a tough time, though.
21:16It's a tough world to live in right now, man.
21:17It's a tough world for young people to live in as well.
21:19You've got, er...
21:20You've got the rise of the far right, as they say.
21:22There's flags going up everywhere.
21:23Like, do you lot...
21:24Do you lot think the flags are racist?
21:27I don't know.
21:28Right.
21:29Nah, I don't know.
21:30It's not putting up the flags that's racist.
21:32It's what you do
21:33when you're putting up the flags that are racist.
21:35Cos I associate the flag with Euro 96, innit?
21:37Right?
21:38That's...
21:39No, I do.
21:40Whenever I see the St George's flag,
21:41I just hear three lions on a shirt, right?
21:43That's...
21:44That's what I hear, right?
21:45That's...
21:46No, it is!
21:47It is, obviously.
21:48Right?
21:49It's not the flag that's the issue.
21:52It's what you do when you're putting up the flag.
21:54If you're shouting,
21:55get the hell home,
21:56eh, maybe it's the marketing.
21:58That's your problem, right?
22:02If they started playing Wonderwall and gave out sandwiches,
22:05we'd be like,
22:06oh, what a lovely community event!
22:07Right?
22:11That's why everybody loves a Jamaican flag,
22:13cos when you see a Jamaican flag,
22:14there's always music playing in the background.
22:16Right?
22:17Just out of nowhere,
22:18there's like some jerk chicken.
22:19They take you on a sensory experience.
22:22Before you know it,
22:23you're watching the Olympics going,
22:24I want Jamaica to do well.
22:25Yeah.
22:33St George's flag, though,
22:34it's a great one for a racist, though.
22:35It's a great one.
22:36Easy.
22:37Two lines.
22:41You could be stark drunk, right?
22:43And you could still draw that, right?
22:45Imagine being a Welsh nationalist, like...
22:52Do you know what I mean?
22:55How do you draw a dragon?
22:58Off by heart.
23:00That is a four-man job, at least.
23:03You need four people to carry the tins of paint,
23:05you need an art degree.
23:07And even if you do get the dragon up,
23:09there's gonna be people walking by going,
23:10oh, my God, Chinese New Year.
23:12Do you know what?
23:13Like, the...
23:14That thing about the flag really makes me laugh, right?
23:16Because, uh...
23:17They put up the flag everywhere.
23:18They put it up...
23:19I've been up and down the motorway recently, right?
23:20I've been up and down the motorway,
23:21seen the flag everywhere,
23:22and...
23:23And when you ask people these questions,
23:24the ones that put it up,
23:25they're like, oh, yeah,
23:26we're putting it up so immigrants know...
23:27where they stand, right?
23:28Like, they're trying to put immigrants off coming here
23:30by putting the flag.
23:31But I don't know about you guys, right?
23:33Listen, if I was risking my life
23:34to come over here on a boat
23:35to travel 21 miles on a dinghy,
23:38if I saw the England flag,
23:39I would be like,
23:40I would be like,
23:41I would be like,
23:42and I would be like,
23:44I would be like,
23:45I would be like,
23:46I would be like,
23:47I would be like,
23:48I would be like,
23:49I would be like,
23:50I would be like,
23:51look, we made it.
23:57It's England.
23:59Right.
24:02If you really want to stop the boats,
24:04there's a great plan.
24:05Right.
24:06If you really want to stop the boats,
24:07there's a great plan.
24:09If you really want to stop the boats,
24:10you
24:21Just line Dover with French flags, right?
24:33Line the whole place with French flags,
24:35start giving out Eiffel Tower key rings, right?
24:39They'd be like, again, what the hell?
24:47Confuse the hell out of them,
24:49it would stop the boats in a week, right?
24:51It's a terrifying time, man, it's a terrifying time.
24:56The whole world's in disarray.
24:57You know, people moaning about Donald Trump.
25:00Any Donald Trump fans in here?
25:02Whoo!
25:05Two guys over there forgot they weren't on Facebook.
25:07Oh, yeah.
25:10No, no, I think like the rest of these lot, yeah, yeah.
25:14I've not got a massive opinion on Donald Trump, right?
25:17I just do find it funny when people go,
25:19I can't believe he said that.
25:21And I'm like, I can.
25:24He's 78.
25:26Let's put a camera in front of your granddad.
25:28Let's see how progressive he is.
25:35I'm going to be a bigot.
25:36I know I'm going to be a bigot.
25:40I've already started planning it, right?
25:43But I'm going to be a bigot to the machines, right?
25:46Yeah, I know, I'm going to be a bigot to, like, AI.
25:48Well, I can't wait.
25:49I'm already thinking of slurs to call them.
25:53Code monkeys.
25:54Rusties, right?
25:55Well, no, because, like, I hate the robots already, right?
25:59That's why I don't have one of those smart speakers.
26:02It's like bringing an enemy into your own home, right?
26:05Those things record everything you say, bro.
26:07All right?
26:08You think they don't?
26:09One day you're going to be singing along to your favourite rap song,
26:11and it's going to be like record a part where you said the n-word by accident.
26:14And it's like, do you want me to post this?
26:16No, no, no, no, no.
26:20I'm going to be a bigot to them, man.
26:21I can imagine one day in the future, I'm going to be playing with my future kids.
26:25Alexa's playing music in the background, right?
26:27I'll be like, shut up, Alexa.
26:30My kids are going to be like, daddy.
26:31Because I'm going to have middle-class children.
26:39Daddy, you mustn't say that.
26:41I'm like, why not?
26:43It's got feelings.
26:45No, it doesn't.
26:46It's a machine.
26:47And then I'm there on TikTok doing an apology video.
26:51I apologise to the AI community.
26:54I wasn't aware of your struggle.
26:58I'll do better in future.
27:01It is a tough one, man.
27:03It is a tough one with racism.
27:05We had our own race riots last year as well, right?
27:08Football season ended, you know, there was that month.
27:13What are you going to do, innit?
27:16It was terrifying, right?
27:17Because for the first time in about 25 years, I got racially abused, right?
27:21And that's when I knew racism had gone too far, you know?
27:24It's like, it's affecting me now. Stop it.
27:26Everybody could just shut up now, right?
27:32I had your hand, you're fun, right?
27:34No, I did.
27:35I got racially abused in South London, straight up my road.
27:38I got racially abused.
27:39And this is when I knew racism had gone too far, right?
27:41I got racially abused by an Irish man.
27:46Do you know how bad racism has to get for the Irish to get involved?
27:49It's like, bro, what happened?
27:51You lot used to be on the signs as well.
27:55We can't use bins in Canary Wharf because of your lot.
28:01No, I'm not. I love the Irish.
28:05I thought we were on the same team.
28:07This guy was out shouting racist abuse at every black and brown person that was going by.
28:11He was like shouting the n-word and the p-word.
28:12He's like, look at you, you.
28:14Look at you, you.
28:15And then he saw me and he's like, look at you.
28:19What the flip are you?
28:23That could be anything you want me to be, sir.
28:27I watched the racism turn into homophobia really quickly.
28:31I was watching those marches with a lot of interest.
28:33I was watching them with a lot of interest, right?
28:35Because you've got to do a bit of self-reflection sometimes.
28:37I was like, why am I not racist, right?
28:42You've got to ask that question sometimes, right?
28:44And like, you know, obvious reasons, but I...
28:46I was like, why am I not marching with these guys?
28:50And I was looking at them, right?
28:51And all of them, they're like shouting, oh, let's get our country back.
28:54And I was like, get your hairline back first, innit?
29:00No, honestly, like, because that's when I realised why I couldn't be raped.
29:04Because they're way too ugly for me to believe them, innit?
29:09If you want to tell me you're better than me, you better be sexy, innit, right?
29:13No, because I don't believe a word ugly people say in general, right?
29:17As a rule, I don't believe ugly people, right?
29:19Like, that's why I didn't believe in climate change for years, right?
29:24I'm serious, right?
29:25Like, they used to get these scientists on TV, like,
29:27at the rate the world is heating up.
29:30Like, shut up, specky.
29:33Get back in the lab.
29:34As soon as they got Angelina Jolie to speak about it, I was like,
29:39clean out these yoghurt pots, this is important.
29:47All I'm saying is, right, like, they need someone sexy, right?
29:51They need someone sexy to be racist, and then I'll believe them.
29:54Because if you want to say you're better than me, you better be beautiful.
29:57Oh, my God, you better be gorgeous, right?
29:59If David Beckham came out tomorrow as racist,
30:01I'm joining in, right?
30:05Honestly, if he's there on Instagram one day, like,
30:07well, me and Victoria have been thinking.
30:13It's time to get our country back.
30:16I'll be there like, mum, pack your bags, it's time to go, let's go.
30:19Ladies and gentlemen, my name's Kay Curd, enjoy the rest of your night.
30:21I love you, I'll see you now.
30:28Thank you, we can't, Kay!
30:31So, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring another act on, are you ready?
30:37Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together, go wild, go crazy, for the amazing Miss Louis Ian!
30:49Ah! Hello, everyone!
31:05Hello!
31:06Oh, my God, this is crazy, thank you so much for having us, this is amazing.
31:11I've done a few gigs down south this week, whenever I'm down south, I do have this,
31:15I have this awareness that I have to slow this accent down.
31:18The Geordie accent, it's peculiar on people's ear, and I realised this, because I met my friend's
31:24brother a while ago, right, my friend's German, and so's his brother, they're quite weird like that,
31:29Germans, strange, and when I met him though, I thought, because I'm quite like a friendly, open person,
31:34so I thought I was being like, you know, nice and friendly and open when I met him.
31:38Then when I left the situation, my friend's brother had said behind me back,
31:42your English friend, she's very nice, but why does she speak like a pirate?
31:48So I know I've got to slow it down, and like an accent like this kind of like betrays a working classness,
31:55and I'm very aware of that, I've always been kind of acutely aware of me working classness from a young age,
32:01right, and listen, this is a nice audience, I'll be vulnerable with yous, I've always been
32:07very aware of me working classness, because when I was 12, I quit smoking.
32:18But genuinely as well, like for all the right reasons, like, for the baby.
32:23No, don't, don't applaud it, I shouldn't, I shouldn't perpetuate stereotypes like that,
32:32I haven't got, I haven't got any kids, right, and I remember, because seriously, this job has saved
32:38my life, right, I used to be really, really off the rails, like really, really off the rails,
32:42up until about a week ago, and no, but seriously, a few years ago, I was going crazy, and like a big
32:49turning point in my life, right, with one of my friends, she tried to stop us from going down a dark
32:53path, and she went, Louise, it was quite brutal this, but I know why she was doing it, she went, Louise,
32:58it's a good job, you haven't had any kids, because if you did, they'd be taken off you.
33:05And I was like, I know, I'm so sorry, I'm going to sort my life out, I'm so, so, so sorry, I will turn
33:09this around, I will. That's what I said, but I can remember very vividly at that moment in me head
33:16thinking, oh my god, there's a good chance that's actually happened, and I just can't remember.
33:21It was an intense time, but I've calmed myself down like quite a bit now, I'm a lot calmer these
33:29days, right, I live with my girlfriend, my fiancée now, thank you very much, yes, what a bunch of gay
33:36loads, thanks, but like the thing is, like, it's mad being gay, it really is, right, I performed at a
33:44lesbian festival recently, right, and what a rowdy bunch we are, like really uncouth, do you know what I
33:51mean, like, but it was a good festival, it was really good, it was a big success as well,
33:55St John's ambulance ran out of finger splints. It was, it was wonderful, what an experience.
34:08I, no, I don't live in Newcastle anymore, right, I went back to see me family
34:12this summer, at a family barbecue, and me auntie, me great auntie came up to us, and she meant nothing
34:18by this, she's absolutely lush, but she come up to us, and she went, oh hello pet, are you back are
34:24you, oh I've missed you, and I've been thinking about you loads at the minute, with the women's football
34:30being on. Thank you, and I have to have more confidence in myself sometimes, like sometimes
34:38where it counts, I don't have confidence, right, and I realise this, if I'm on a date, and I get into a taxi with
34:44my girlfriend, and if I get the slightest feeling the taxi driver is a little bit homophobic,
34:49right, and I shouldn't do this, but I do, I'll say to my girlfriend, listen, don't hold me hand,
34:55don't put your arm around us, don't, don't be affectionate, just don't, yes, I know how that's,
35:01like I know how that sounds, I know it sounds quite harsh of me, it sounds quite weird, it sounds,
35:06it sounds pathetic, it sounds weak of me, but like, I need you to understand, like from my perspective,
35:12I feel like I almost have to kind of like protect, my Uber rating.
35:23It's just hard being gay sometimes, I've, listen, I've covered the kind of Geordie thing,
35:27right, but I'm actually, I'm technically half Turkish, half Geordie, right, that's a bit of a
35:31weird combination, the thing is though, I haven't been to Turkey loads in my life, right, so I'm, I'm
35:37technically just like culturally very Geordie, but I've got a couple of Turkish behaviours that have like,
35:41hung on in the DNA, right, I love to haggle, I love to barter for a price, like I'm in a bazaar
35:47at all times, I love it, but I'm shit at it, right, because I'm too British, I'm too polite,
35:51I don't get stuck in the way you're supposed to get stuck in, and I realised this, right,
35:55on a holiday with my cousin, I bought something from a stall, and I was so excited to show her
36:00what I'd bought, and she was stood there, I'll never forget this, she was like shaking her head,
36:05like really angry at me, and she went, you know what's happened there, don't you, and I was like,
36:10what, these were her words, she went, underneath, they've seen your English money,
36:16and they've taken you for a ride, I remember feeling so, I felt mortified, I felt so culturally
36:23stupid, so foolish, because we're in this little place called, it's not Abu Dhabi, and I always go to
36:30call it Abu Dhabi, it's Abu, don't say I've forgotten the name tonight of all night, guys,
36:37I'm not kidding, oh god, no don't help us, sorry, Aberdeen, got yours, I bloody got yours,
36:49you thought the Geordie had fucked up there, didn't you, that was great, whatever you are in life,
36:55right, you're going to have stereotypes thrown at you, aren't you, and I've realised, right,
36:59and I don't care, but the stereotype that I often get if I say I'm Turkish, right,
37:03and I don't care, I don't care what people say, right, but this is often what I've got to feel,
37:07so I say I'm Turkish, and someone will go, you've got to watch Turkish men, oh,
37:13you've got to watch Turkish men, my cousin, she went to Turkey, she's got blonde hair,
37:17blue eyes, they wouldn't leave her alone, right, and whatever, it doesn't usually bother us, right,
37:23it doesn't, but it did upset us a few months ago, because it was like, it was round like a dinner
37:27table, and I felt very trapped, and everyone was kind of laughing, and it felt horrible,
37:33and my girlfriend was sat next to us, and my girlfriend's got blonde hair, blue eyes,
37:38and I was quite startled, and I had to say something, and I was like, oh my god,
37:43I'm just like the rest of them, this, this is terrible, I do feel as though I'm trying to sort
37:51myself out and everything, I'm getting to that age where a lot of people around us are having kids
37:56and stuff like that, you might know people like this, right, my best friend's become a mother,
37:59and I'm so proud of her, she's so good at it, she's just taken to motherhood, like, so well,
38:05and she was a worse party girl than me, so I'm even more proud of her, right, and she was saying,
38:11and not everyone's going to feel like this, but she was like, Louise, there's no feeling like being
38:15it, like being a parent, this is amazing, waking up and seeing me baby, I love it, it's better than
38:21any drink, any drug, any line, any pill, I thought, oh my god, even if you don't agree with that, just
38:31think about that on a chemical level, if that's how amazing parenting can just naturally feel to some
38:38people, imagine how good parenting must feel on drugs, so I'm looking forward to that,
38:49that would be great, give me a cheer if you've been in Newcastle upon time before,
38:55most of you, give me a cheer if you've not been, that was the same people cheering twice there for
39:00something to do, wasn't it, because I try and I don't, I think Newcastle's quite a risky place to
39:05live, right, if you are susceptible to madness, because it's such a party city, right, and so
39:11there's a, there's a TV moment that happened in Newcastle upon time, where I'm from, and it sums up
39:17the place so beautifully, so just let me paint this picture for you, because it's one of my favourite
39:21TV moments of all time, right, and so the, the clip is on a documentary called Booze Britain,
39:27you know where I'm going with this, you're not stupid, so it's obviously a documentary about how
39:32people in the UK drink too much, it was on about 15 years ago, and they're going around Newcastle
39:38for one of the episodes, right, and they get talking on the street, it's like a fly on the wall type
39:43thing, and they, and they get talking on the street to this woman called Debbie, okay, and they're like,
39:47Debbie, are you having a good night out, like, and as you can imagine, Debbie, I'm having a fucking
39:53wicked night out, thank you, she's off her tits, bless her heart, right, and so what they do in the
39:59documentary is they make Debbie do a breathalyzer, right, I know, it was very unethical, it was 10
40:05years ago, 15 years ago, before anyone cared about anyone's feelings, right, so they make Debbie do a
40:11breathalyzer, they take a reading, and then they show the camera, right, and on the next scene of this
40:18documentary, you see Debbie, she's dancing around on the table, she's trying to rip her top off,
40:23she's going insane, she's having a genuinely wonderful night out, she's letting go, right,
40:28but at that precise moment, the voiceover on the documentary just goes,
40:36Debbie may be feeling in the party spirit, but medically, she has enough alcohol in her bloodstream
40:43to be in a potentially fatal coma, welcome to my home, because screw the coma, Debbie did the
40:51Macarena, it was wonderful, you know, a lot of it, right, I was thinking about this, a lot of comedians
40:58will harm up how crazy they are, like, for comedic effect, I don't want you to think that I would ever
41:04do that, right, and I've got kind of proof of how insane I used to be, right, so I was doing a comedy
41:10club in the North East, and Gaza, Paul Gascoigne was in the audience, do we all know who Gaza is?
41:18If anyone doesn't know, very, very quickly, right, he was a foot, Geordie footballer in the 90s,
41:24issues with drinking drugs, really mad life, once tried to save an assassin with a fishing rod,
41:30that is true, right, so he's in the audience, right, and I was quite a new comedian, so I'm doing it,
41:35I was doing a lot of jokes about going off the rails and how, how mental I was,
41:39this is how I know my life must have been objectively ridiculous, when I got off stage,
41:44Gaza, Paul Gascoigne, ran up to us, this is true, he gave us a massive big hug and he went,
41:51oh Louise, it's like we've had the same life,
42:00that's when you know your life's been friggin' shambolic,
42:04when Gaza is relating to on a seriously deep level, it's like we've had the same life,
42:09me and you, but he's not wrong, I'm not taking the piss, like I say, you know, when I played for England,
42:14that was great, oh no, but when he became a Turkish lesbian, that was outrageous,
42:20when he did that, wasn't it, I'm going to leave you with this, this last joke, it's a,
42:25it's a philosophical joke, it's more for you to kind of ponder on the way home this evening,
42:30right, just let this marinade in your heads, so, um, this blew my mind, this, so statistically,
42:36some taxi drivers will be serial killers, so have a lovely evening, and,
42:42right, I've been Louisa, and you've been wonderful, thanks for having us, good night, cheers!
42:48Yes, yes, yes, ladies and gentlemen, Louisa!
42:55Apollo, thank you so, so much for coming out tonight,
42:57it's been an incredible ride-off, but tonight's the Louisa!
43:01The character, our bigger host, Tom Davis, Apollo, out!
43:31The character, our leader, the empowerment ﷺ,
43:37is the sacred object, and if you put your mind behind all the birds...
43:41So, too, how do we do it?
43:42The colors are really magical.
43:50And all the skies are really distributed in weather.
43:53So that when the light of the world's beginning,
43:57has lacked the edge of the part of the looks in the sky from the others,
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