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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Ivo Graham!
00:30Thank you for saying yes to that, I love the colour orange, a few months ago my daughter
00:48who is six asked me if I had a favourite colour and I said that I didn't and my daughter
00:54who is six said that's a pity, I didn't like her saying that, I don't want to be too much
01:00of a toxic man about it but I don't want my six-year-old daughter to pity me, I said don't
01:06pity me darling and that's actually one of the most pitiful things you can be overheard
01:10saying to your child at a playground, so I thought about it, I decided my favourite colour
01:16is orange for lots of reasons which I'm going to explain to you and I've committed to the
01:20bit, I've got an orange suit and I've dyed my hair orange and I've committed to the bit
01:23so hard that my daughter now pitied me for a completely different reason, I thought as
01:29well as talking about some of my favourite orange things I'd ask you about a few of yours,
01:33we could have a few votes to get things going in the room, so first up it's the big one,
01:38carrots versus baked beans, what a night you've come out for, we're going to do this via simple
01:44cheers, give me a cheer if you prefer carrots to baked beans, give me a cheer if you prefer
01:49baked beans to carrots, pleased to hear it, I've got beans on my socks, next up a bit harder,
01:59chicken tikka masala against Aperol spritz, give me a cheer chicken tikka masala, give me a
02:06cheer Aperol spritz, felt like quite gendered votes to be honest, a couple more let's get out of the
02:15food realm, how about Garfield against Fantastic Mr Fox, it's not easy, we love them both but you
02:22can only pick one, Garfield, Fantastic Mr Fox, Sainsbury's v Easy Jet, they're flawed but they're
02:34important, Sainsbury's v Easy Jet, people of the Apollo, they're cheap but they've got style,
02:43Strava against the Netherlands, some of these are quite weird combinations, how do you even choose,
02:51Strava, the Netherlands, okay some people are now visibly starting to wonder whether it's just gonna be
02:59votes on orange things all night, the votes are getting more complicated, they're getting more
03:04divisive, if I'm honest I don't think you guys are ready for Hare Krishna's against Le Creuset,
03:08I'm gonna tell you about a few of my favourite orange things, I'm gonna tell you about my favourite
03:19orange crisps, which are of course Watsits, Watsits are the best orange crisps, they're the nicest but
03:26also they're the most definitively orange crisps because they make anything they come into contact
03:30with immediately orange for the rest of time, I was getting a cab home from a night out a few months
03:36ago and I had a fun night and so I decided to treat myself to a bag of Watsits Giants for the way home,
03:41and if you don't know what Watsits Giants are you can work it out, I got in the car and I said to the
03:49driver do you mind if I eat my crisps in your car and the driver said I do mind actually and that
03:55really took me by surprise, you have to understand people of the Apollo I've lived a life of such
04:01relentless privilege and entitlement that the thought of being denied my car crisps didn't even cross my
04:07mind I was congratulating myself on the politeness of having asked even as I opened the bag but the
04:15driver said I've just had the car cleaned and the car was looking clean and I said I understand but then
04:20he hammered the point home further with a sentence I've been unable to forget since he looked at me
04:25and then he looked at the crisps and he looked back at me and he said you think you will not crumb but
04:30you will he didn't know just how true that was I don't know how much you know about me in my life
04:38I'm proud of a lot of things in my life but I am leaving crumbs everywhere my favorite orange drink
04:46is iron brew it's a great drink but admittedly I am also saying that to appease any Scottish people in
04:54the crowd because I was doing a show about all my favorite orange things in Scotland for two
05:00weeks early this year and it turns out that doing a show about your love of the color orange where
05:04you wear only orange and encourage people in the audience to wear orange is quite controversial
05:08apparently in Scotland some political historic connotations which I just wasn't aware of but I'd
05:17already bought all my orange clothes by then so I guess it was a case of double down dye the hair skip
05:23the tour date in Belfast and get on with it if I can be a bit more serious for a moment I'd like to
05:32talk about my favorite orange charity my favorite charity which has an orange color scheme is a
05:36charity called the MS Society I'm an ambassador for the MS Society and I'm very proud to be an
05:41ambassador for the MS Society you're nice to clap it is obviously a biased choice it's in the family my
05:50mum has MS multiple sclerosis please don't worry yourselves about that now obviously it's not
05:55ideal but needless to say I've got some cracking marathon times out of it it's actually been a
06:00brilliant few years for my mobility some people laughing at that some people not so sure admittedly my
06:11comedy is a lot like multiple sclerosis in that it gets on my mother's nerves with witty repartee like
06:18this you can see why I'm one of the MS Society's more controversial ambassadors I took my daughter
06:26and some of her friends to watch the London Marathon early this year and it was their first time
06:30watching the marathon and it's one of the most unifying and inspiring and heartwarming things you
06:34can go and watch and I said we're going to be part of the MS Society cheering station and they didn't
06:39understand that so I just said we're going to be part of team orange we're all going to wear orange
06:43clothes and you're going to be amazed when we get there how many people are wearing orange clothes
06:47and they were they were wearing orange clothes and waving orange flags and holding orange balloons
06:52and eating watsits and drinking iron brew and when my daughter got there she said daddy there are so
06:58many people in team orange and I said that's right the future's bright and she said what I said never
07:03mind it was a popular advertising slogan from the 90s some of the older people at the Apollo will
07:09understand thank you all the people at the Apollo and we were all on the barrier me and my daughter
07:18and her friends and we were cheering for everyone running past but I said to the girls give a
07:22particularly big cheer for anyone who runs past in an orange vest because they're part of team orange
07:27and we were cheering all of them and then occasionally someone would run past in an orange vest running
07:32for the motor neuron disease association and I would lean into my daughter and her friends and I would say
07:37not him that man's representing a rival disability that man is a charlatan in our colors we give him
07:48nothing boo that man I'm joking of course a lot of respect for the MND association but historically
07:56the MS society were orange first they're moving in on our territory and they need to back the fuck off
08:02as you can see I'm one of the MS society's more controversial ambassadors
08:06I've been representing the color orange all year I did a show as I say about my love of the color orange
08:13this was the poster for the show just my name Ivo on an orange poster my name Ivo in the Charlie XCX
08:20brat font which I think we'd all agree is very young and very relevant and very cool Ivo on an orange background
08:26thrilling no other detail at all so minimal other posters they went with things like the venue name
08:32the time the show was on any other details about the show pathetic desperate no just Ivo nothing else
08:38not even a surname I was a one namer for the summer like a pop star or a Brazilian footballer
08:45the emotional dysfunction of Adele the erectile dysfunction of Pele Ivo pleased to meet you
08:51I'm trying to hype myself up I'm daring to dream that I might be the the top Ivo in comedy
08:59maybe even the top Ivo in the country dare I dream I was with a friend at the pub a few months ago
09:04and his friend wanted to add me on Instagram it's not why I chat to people in the pub but yeah sure
09:08in some ways mission accomplished and his friend said what's your handle and I said Ivo Graham and
09:12he didn't hear my surname and he said can you type it in and I said just put Ivo you'll find me
09:16and our mutual friend Johnny said just put Ivo you'll find me I was like yeah when you repeat
09:23it back like that it does sound quite arrogant but in my defense you will find me we're in the same
09:28city in the same pub we've got mutual friends at this table what you think Bulgarian clarinetist
09:33Ivo Papazov is going to appear first no he's a very accomplished clarinetist but he barely works
09:38outside of Bulgaria and he's got next to no social media presence it's me
09:42if you have any better Ivos of course you can suggest them to me on social media after the show
09:50one person this summer suggested Dr. Robotnik the fictional character Dr. Robotnik the enemy of
09:56Sonic the Hedgehog but if you do know him you know him as Dr. Robotnik you respect the PhD
10:01you might know him by his nickname Eggman you don't know him as Ivo Sonic the Hedgehog was not seeing
10:08these posters around Edinburgh this summer going I better keep a low profile this month
10:12Robotnik's on the loose no he was thinking Ivo Graham must be doing a show somewhere at some time
10:18another very important thing in my life that is orange has to do with my hometown of Swindon
10:28now I'm aware I don't come across like I'm from Swindon and to be fair I'm actually from just
10:32outside Swindon and there is a difference between being from Swindon and being just outside Swindon
10:37and that difference is several hundred thousand pounds worth of private education
10:40I'm posh and I'm not proud of that I'm a stereotype I like cricket I like skiing I had to interrupt
10:48someone halfway through a story at a party recently to clarify which Rupert from school they were talking
10:52about I don't know how many Ruperts from school you've got knocking around one's ideal zero's a shame
11:00two is confusing anecdotally I didn't know whether he was talking about Rupert who was a different year in
11:05my house or Rupert who was a different house in my year I needed clarity was it Rupert who did a level
11:12history with me or Rupert who caught me wanking and I'm afraid the tragedy there is it's actually
11:18the same incident it was the same Rupert I got far too excited by the unification of Italy
11:23it's a cheeky little joke at life at the Apollo I've I've never wanked over Garibaldi
11:30not when much nicer biscuits are available at school am I right am I right not everyone will
11:36be on board for that and that's fine can't expect everyone at the Apollo to know that Garibaldi was
11:40a major figure in the unification of Italy and that Garibaldi's are a type of biscuit and that
11:45there's a vicious rumor going around that posh boys like to wank onto biscuits but
11:48if you do know all three of those things what a magnificent evening you must be having
11:55in the orange overlap of my comedy then
11:58for balance I'd like to talk about limes as well as oranges and I'm afraid I'm not talking
12:06about the fruit I'm talking about the e-bike to which they have given their name give me a cheer
12:10if you've ever used a lime bike got some bad news I'm afraid I hate lime bikes and everyone who uses
12:17them including myself every single day of my pathetic life I'm always on a line because I'm
12:23always late and I'm always deluding myself that I can shave off maybe one or even two minutes of
12:29that lateness at what price just a small price of my own personal safety and that of everyone else
12:34around me people on e-bikes are not proper cyclists of course they're not proper cyclists hate people
12:40on e-bikes occasionally I will stop at a traffic light if I've even bothered to stop at a traffic light
12:45at all and I will nod at some of the real cyclists as if to say look at us on our bikes chaps and
12:51they'll look back at me as to say look at you on your lime you twat there is no contempt in this world
12:56like the contempt from a man on an e-bike from a man on a Brompton the Bromptonians hate the e-bike
13:03community they look at us as if to say you barely got off Instagram long enough to scan a QR code
13:09I unfold this every single day of my life I unfolded it this morning and then I folded it
13:14back up again for work and I've just unfolded it again to get me from fintech to paddle with enough
13:19time for a Guinness zero afterwards before I go home to put Archie to bed and if you're one of those
13:25men congratulations my life would be so much better if I was 20% more like you but I'm not
13:30I'm on my e-bike and sometimes I'm wearing a helmet and I feel good about myself if I'm wearing
13:36a helmet because I get to say one of my favorite motivational catchphrases I'm not the lowest of
13:41the low that's one of my favorites it's not hard not to be one of the lowest of the low on a lime
13:47bike because there are people on limes plumbing new depths every single day the other day I saw
13:52someone complete what I would call the hat trick they were riding without a helmet that's fine I've done
13:57that myself they were texting while riding that's fine I've done that myself but then the big one
14:01wrap around noise cancelling headphones come on chaps the world is awful we all want to die but
14:09you've got to play a bit harder to get with the grim reaper than wrap around noise cancelling headphones
14:14on your fucking lime the bikes themselves are in a terrible state of disrepair often but you take
14:20them anyway because you're chaos and they're your best hope recently I spent 20 minutes riding an e-bike
14:26which didn't have a seat no seat just 20 noble minutes riding the rod thinking I guess this was
14:36what the boarding school training was for I'm not proud of that joke but I hope you can see why I
14:41felt I had to make it and it was still nothing compared to an e-bike I'd taken some weeks before
14:48that which only had one pedal just the one I don't know how much single pedal cycling you guys have done
14:54in your lives but needless to say the foot on the pedal side does a fuck of a lot of the work
14:59the other foot is reduced to to coin a phrase sort of flicking the nub just flicking away at the nub
15:07trying to make any connection with the internal mechanism of the bike you have your basket up front
15:13of course your iconic green basket full of rubbish sometimes your rubbish sometimes the rubbish of a
15:19previous user which you're not going to do anything about I'm little more than the temporary custodian
15:24of another twat's crap the other day I was going to my daughter's concert on an e-bike this was a big
15:31day my daughter was going to be playing hot cross buns on the recorder in front of the whole school
15:35and she was so excited to be playing hot cross buns on the recorder in front of the whole school
15:39and her mum and I were so excited to watch hot cross buns on the recorder for the final time
15:44it had been a very hot and cross few weeks at buns HQ we were excited for the glorious swan song
15:53as I crossed the park to my daughter's school on my line bike I came across someone that I hadn't
15:59seen since university this was not ideal with only a couple of minutes before the concert to run into
16:04someone I hadn't seen in over a decade and our friendship even at university had been delicate
16:08because Christmas 2008 I had confessed to some feelings which hadn't been reciprocated
16:13and secret Santa was ruined for another year
16:15and now suddenly there we were and I had to get off my bike and do the dance you do when you haven't
16:21seen someone in a long time saying wow what a small world you live around here yes and when my daughter
16:25goes to school just there yeah I've got a daughter that isn't crazy and she's doing a concert hot cross
16:29buns in a couple of minutes I better you know park this whole thing and get it over there and it was
16:33humiliating and I could see her as I did this dance thinking he was a shambles in 2008
16:38and nothing has changed I don't know if you ever watched the words bullet dodged pass through
16:45someone's mind while you're talking to them and this was before she glanced into the basket of my
16:50lime I'd either not noticed or forgotten what was in my basket that shameful day but I'm afraid to say
16:56what was in my basket was some chicken bones you know as in the bones of a chicken gnawed
17:04away by one of my predecessors and now just glinting away in the new day without even the dignity or
17:10context of a box or a bag and me trying to work out if it was going to add more or less dignity to
17:17the situation with a sentence that I hope never darkens any of your doors those aren't my chicken
17:22bones
17:24people in the Apollo are you having a fun night so far are you excited for your first act of the
17:37show she's not just one of the finest comedians working in the country she's also one of my
17:43daughter's favorite comedians please make as much noise as you can for the wonderful Catherine Bohart
17:48hello are you well hi hello I'm Catherine I am feeling my age I am I'm feeling my age
18:10mainly because I am now the older one in an age gap relationship thank you is anyone in an age gap
18:17relationship yes that's what happens women woo men very coy I've noticed men very coy I think it's
18:28because men know when I date a younger woman it's feminism and when you do it it's disgusting I don't
18:35make the rules I simply report on them I am I'm now the older one in an age gap relationship I didn't
18:40think that was a big deal I'm 37 she's 29 I didn't think that was a big deal didn't think it was a big
18:45difference and then I went to her house share oh it's fine it's nice it's dry sometimes I like it
18:53but you've got to be polite don't you have to be kind when you go to somebody else's house so I sort of
18:57desperately looking around for a compliment we were in the kitchen and I said oh that's a nice plate
19:02and she said thanks we found it I said what she said we found it I said no no I'm not that old
19:12I heard you what is it you're saying to my face she said oh well it's just that my housemates and
19:20I didn't have enough crockery so we just went out and foraged for some interesting divide in the
19:28Apollo now the older people are like what is the lesbian saying the younger people are like yeah
19:35street stuff sure what I'm saying to you is that she went down to the streets of East London of course
19:41it's East London we're gay and she has a lovely mullet she went down to the streets of East London
19:47she looked down upon the pavements there she found plates she took those plates home and now she eats
19:51food from them really six months and I've been actually been kissing me with a street plate mouth
19:59the other big age gap if I'm honest is that she is young enough and cool enough that she's willing
20:06to be friends with her exes no thank you yes that's a young person's game that's not for me
20:12I'm never sure if this is an age difference or a cultural difference I can't be friends with my
20:17exes because I'm well because I talk about them on stage and that's because I'm Irish and I come
20:23from a storytelling culture whereas my girlfriend's English so she's very comfortable pretending to be
20:29friends with people whose lives she's historically ruined
20:32also I don't know if you know this but it's sort of a classic lesbian trend to stay friends with your
20:45exes do you know that the men in the front row staring at me like absolutely not no yeah it is
20:51of course it is because how else are you going to keep the football team together do you know what I mean
20:54the league's not going to run itself is it lads so but it's not for me I'm with you it's not for
21:01me in fact this whole thing makes me feel very bisexual I don't like it I actually I'm sorry to
21:06say it I think it makes lesbians bad friends in a breakup right because you call a lesbian when you've had
21:11your heart broken she'll say hurtful things things like oh my god how is she are you guys going to
21:17meet up for coffee coffee I don't need coffee I'm fueled on rage little tip from me to you if you ever
21:23have your heart broken call a straight woman oh my god those girls really come into their own in
21:29tragedy don't they call a straight woman when you have your heart broken they will say the same thing
21:34every time they will say meet me at midnight bring everything she's ever touched tonight it burns
21:43yes proper allies I love it the real problem though of being the older one the burden of being the
21:49older one is that you have to be the kinkier one yeah you have to be if you're the older one you have to
21:55be the kinkier one I have to be the kinkier one because my girlfriend is in her 20s right she still
22:01finds sex in and of itself exciting can you imagine plain sex no toppings you can't feel that
22:11way when you get to your mid-30s right you get to 35 and you're like okay let's talk value added yeah
22:15what is it you can do for me that I cannot do for myself I've become like a 1950s New York casting
22:23director I'm like show me something I ain't never seen before kid she on the other hand young sweet
22:29romantic all of her favorite positions have us looking into each other's eyes oh hell
22:32recently I suggested we try something mildly kinky don't panic gents I'm not gonna say what it was
22:39mildly kinky she instantly went oh god no I felt judged she could tell I felt judged she tried to
22:47make it better she panicked she went but we're gay that's weird I don't know if you've ever been
22:55negotiated out of rimming with homophobia but nobody wins and it's very tough to take from a
23:01woman who eats dinner off plates she found on the street it's tough it's tough I introduced her to
23:08my parents recently not because I wanted to but because you must and my mom geared up to a chat she
23:14hadn't had before it was very interesting did you ever watch a parent gear up to a chat and you think
23:18oh we're starting this I wonder if you know how to finish it she went um so like do you two girls
23:25would you say you two girls do you think you two girls would you say you two girls do you think you
23:28two girls do you think you two girls never want to have kids okay Geraldine let's dance
23:36now we said something she wasn't expecting at the same time my girlfriend and I both went yeah maybe
23:43she did not see it coming and I want to defend my mother a little bit that's actually fair enough
23:51I've never expressed any interest in becoming a mom before now but equally people aren't usually
23:55shocked when I say I want to be a mom and I think that's because I have the energy of a woman who
24:00already has three children right who works at their school sit up straight okay I'll wait
24:07good lad he won't bend I like it but I know who I am my mother on the other hand shocked with her
24:16whole face and body she just went good yes good yes good yes good yes good yes good good yeah
24:26good yeah that's so good good yeah how good question theft I assume I don't know everyone
24:39assumes lesbians know how lesbians get pregnant I haven't a notion I was taught science by Irish
24:44nuns in the 90s also called me a traditionalist but I assumed my mother would tell me how to get
24:49pregnant not the other way around also she's one of the straights they're the experts aren't they
24:55any straight people in give me a cheer I was thrilled about it all right but you're always
25:00at it right straight people in my opinion get to have the best kind of pregnancies you can have
25:04which are of course accidental they are it's the dream but my girlfriend's never going to believe
25:11I slipped on a turkey baster so it's not happening for me I will say by the way I have given motherhood
25:17some thought of course I have I'm a 37 year old woman right your body makes you even if you don't
25:21want to think about it it's like how you have to dance when Shakira says her own name twice right
25:25it's like a biological imperative it happens it happened I will say and I'm wary of saying this
25:32because I thought there'd be more trust in the room by now I will say I think lesbians have
25:37overthought the project I do that is why most lesbians I know have at least considered whether or not
25:45their brother would make a good father you full open mouth relax no guys come on relax you don't
25:55have to fuck your brother your girlfriend does that's the science
25:59obviously now that we've had the baby chat it's interesting right I didn't realize how much admin
26:07there was in becoming a queer parent first thing you have to decide of course is who's having it
26:11and obviously straight people don't have to decide that because it's always the stronger one
26:15lesbians obviously do and now that we've said we're open to it oh my god people keep asking us
26:25the weirdest questions they keep going well which of you'd like to have the baby which of you wants
26:29to carry the baby that's how they ask it indeed which of you'd like to which of you wants to
26:34men in the room if you could which of you'd like to any of you want to no the same silence every
26:48night obviously I don't want to either I don't know how we've convinced women it's a treat
26:52except we lie don't we we lie to their pregnant faces we're like oh my god you're glowing
27:00she's not did you know that the blood in your body doubles when you're pregnant
27:08yeah the blood in your body doubles when you're pregnant she's not glowing
27:13she's fucking throbbing and I want no part of it no part of it the problem is this my girlfriend
27:21also wants no part of it so now we're in full-on negotiations obviously I'm older so I'm desperately
27:27hoping I'll age out I'm just putting SPF everywhere that's not my ovaries I don't know anything
27:33about science and I won't learn but it is it's tricky the real issue that we have to be honest
27:40with you is that the only lesbians we know who have any children did so on a pact and the pact
27:44they made was that one of them would have the first kid and the other would have the second
27:47so obviously they've got one fucking kid
27:50because what woman's watching that being like me next
27:55being a lesbian is just two women being like after you no please after you
28:01then of course you've got to find sperm and I've been very clear with my girlfriend we will not
28:06be foraging for that it's actually why I'm here tonight no can you imagine if I was like I'm here
28:14to milk this boy no he didn't say no um yeah but no you do you have to forage for sperm in a way
28:24um has anyone been on a sperm bank no fair enough they're strange places I've had a sort of initial
28:31perusal not because we're doing anything yet but because I have a shopping problem
28:34and um they're very odd places sperm banks they're very odd places I've had little peep
28:40what I don't like about them in my opinion is that they remind me of online dating you know
28:44and that you have to sort of believe men when they fill in forms and it just doesn't seem plausible
28:51to me that that many men over six foot have hobbies I'm sorry but honestly the men on sperm banks
28:56have so many hobbies and they're desperate to tell you about them of course they are to be fair
29:00otherwise all you know about them is that they've had a wank and want to be an absent father
29:04and that's a crazy profile to have on there but here's the thing Apollo here's my problem with
29:10sperm banks it's that 10 minutes in every time I'm on there every single time at the same time I get
29:15sad I get sad because it occurs to me that there must be men under six foot donating sperm
29:21and nobody's taking it
29:27it's just being left there in the freezer
29:32like sad little mini milks
29:35and then every time it occurs to me fuck I'm gonna end up choosing sperm out of pity
29:45and then I'm no better than my straight friends
29:49Apollo you'd be very nice and thank you so much for coming out good night
30:01get us through and go on everyone
30:10let's treat
30:14even of the Apollo
30:16are you ready for your second act of the show
30:19keep that noise going in the room
30:23for the outstanding
30:24the incomparable
30:25the maestro
30:26Nabil Abdul-Rachid
30:28What's going on?
30:58You good?
30:59So hi, my name is Nabil, I want to apologize if I come across as standoffish or unfriendly
31:05it's because I am.
31:07You know, I just can't handle this many people being happy to see me, because outside of this
31:12nobody is ever this happy to see me, right?
31:15Not even in my own house, I swear.
31:17I don't know what it is, whenever I walk into a building people assume I'm there to protect
31:21it or rob it, right?
31:23Sometimes I get bored and I do both.
31:29Let me see your pockets.
31:32You know, I'm trying to be mature now.
31:35Trying to be sensible, reasonable.
31:36You know, I'm a father.
31:38I've got two beautiful daughters that I know of.
31:42I'm joking, I'm joking.
31:44I'm joking, I'm joking.
31:45Good Muslim boy.
31:46Just the two children of my wife who I've been married to for 15 years, okay?
31:51No, yeah, yeah.
31:52No haram babies anywhere, inshaAllah.
31:55But like, you know, being a father now, I'm worried, because you look around the country,
32:02you see there's all kinds of stuff, you know, there's all kinds of stuff going on, and it
32:05makes me worry about my kids, because it is a very tough time to be, it's always been
32:08a tough time to be a woman, but it's more so now, I believe.
32:11It's getting worse.
32:12And, you know, people don't seem to care.
32:14The people who do, they pretend to push some sort of agenda.
32:17They don't really care about girls that look like mine.
32:19And that makes me paranoid when I do the school run.
32:21I'm paranoid, and I'm worried about things when I do the school run that a father of
32:25a ten-year-old and a seven-year-old should not worry about.
32:27I'm scanning the streets looking for drug dealers, gang members, murderers, and it's
32:31tough, because I love my friends.
32:41Because let's be real, that's the biggest danger to your kids, that's the biggest danger
32:44to your family, right?
32:45Your friends!
32:46Not the internet, not gluten, not podcasts, your friends.
32:50My friends come in two categories.
32:54Semi-retired roadman, and conspiracy theorists.
33:00And I'm not going to lie to you, I prefer bumping into the roadmen, because they don't
33:05waste your time.
33:06They've got crimes to go supervise, right?
33:08You want one, big man?
33:10Hello, princess, here's 300 pounds.
33:13Buy something for yourself.
33:14Aye, big man, here's a watch I got earlier today.
33:17You didn't see me bruv.
33:21But conspiracy theorists always want to waste your time.
33:24Have you noticed that?
33:25Who here has a conspiracy theorist friend?
33:27The one that fucks up the group chat every single time.
33:31If you don't know who that is, you believe in chemtrails.
33:34Now, has anyone noticed how since the pandemic, since the lockdown, they've all gotten crazier?
33:42Right?
33:43My friend went into the pandemic as Anthony.
33:46Came out as Lord Shambhala.
33:49Oh, this guy is gone.
33:51Finito, kaput, gone.
33:52Like, you know when they're so far gone, that they don't even do small talk anymore.
33:59They just want to tell you everything they learned on TikTok the night before.
34:04Now, I'm doing the squirrel with my daughters.
34:05I see my friend Shambhala across the street, arguing with himself.
34:10I'm not too big for my friends, because I'm a nice guy.
34:13So, I'm like, hey Shambhala, what's happening man, you good?
34:16This is him.
34:18How can I be good?
34:19How can I be alright?
34:21When the Illuminati, oh my God.
34:25This madman starts across the street.
34:27Big Mantang, the Illumina is trying to kill me, bruv.
34:30The Illumina, all six foot nine of him.
34:32Cars just swerving, narrowly missing this idiot.
34:35The Illuminati is on the Big Mantang, they're trying to kill me.
34:38I said, bro, calm down.
34:41Nobody's trying to kill you, brother.
34:42You're trying to kill yourself.
34:45You just crossed a busy South London street,
34:48without looking at traffic lights.
34:51Spliff in hand.
34:55Aye, big man.
35:02Man don't watch traffic lights to dictate my movements.
35:06You see the red light, green light thing?
35:13That's a Illuminati MK Ultra thing, bruv.
35:17Look it up, bruv.
35:18Haven't you watched that Chinese documentary?
35:22The Squid Games?
35:23I said, but that, that, that wasn't Chinese.
35:29And it wasn't a documentary.
35:31He said, yeah.
35:33Then how come this has come out?
35:35I'm seeing red light, green light on all the roads.
35:38No.
35:43I said, they're traffic lights, man.
35:44They've always been there.
35:46He said.
35:49That's what they want you to think.
35:54Without missing a beat.
35:55Aye, big man.
35:56Don't take the vaccine, you know.
35:57Don't take the vaccine, you know.
35:59Don't take the Ross Clark vaccine.
36:01I said, why not?
36:03He said, do you even know what's in that?
36:22Do you even know what's in the vaccine?
36:24I said, bro, do you know what's in that split if you're smoking?
36:28Because I'm not going to lie, that thing looks spicy, bro.
36:33He said, that's why I don't like talking to you.
36:35You're always asking, man, bare questions.
36:37Too many questions.
36:38Suck your mum, listen.
36:41Obviously.
36:45Obviously.
36:47Obviously.
36:48Obviously.
36:49The vaccine is liquid 5G, brother.
36:53To turn us gay.
36:54I said, bro.
36:55Let's pretend that that's not true.
36:56It's not true.
36:57It's not true.
36:58It's not true.
36:59That's why I don't like talking to you.
37:00Yeah.
37:01I said.
37:02It's a population control thing.
37:04I said, this guy.
37:05What does liquid 5G have to do with population control?
37:07He said.
37:08That's why I don't like talking to you.
37:09Always asking man bare questions.
37:10Too many questions.
37:11Suck your mum, listen.
37:13Obviously.
37:14They're injecting us with the vaccine.
37:16To turn us gay.
37:17turn us gay. I said, bro, let's pretend that that's not scientifically impossible or mad
37:26homophobic because if we don't, there's just too much to unpack. I just have one question
37:36regarding your theory. If the vaccine is meant to turn us gay, what happens if you're already
37:45gay when you take the vaccine? This guy looks at me like I'm the one that's mad, you know.
37:54He said, that's why I don't like talking to you. Always asking man bad questions. Too many questions.
38:00Listen, obviously, if you take the vaccine and you're already gay,
38:07it makes you five times more gayer than you were
38:15before you took it, bruv. Think, bruv. Why do you think they call it 5G, blud?
38:24It stands for 5G and he just walks off. My daughter says to me, daddy, what's wrong with that man?
38:44I said several things. Now, before I go, I want to say this. Those of you who have kids
38:52in your family, you know, you might be a godparent, an uncle, an auntie. You might be best friends to
38:57a parent. Please, if you have children around you, teach them to be decent people from when they're
39:02little. Okay? Don't wait till they're 14 and already a wanker.
39:17They'll come and ask me to come to their school and talk to them. I'm not going. They have weapons.
39:21Are you mad? I'm not going. I said, it's because I'm, you know, obviously man's a birdman, but...
39:27Don't laugh. I'll have you know, I'm very gangster. Now, I was out with my daughter's...
39:34Google Images showed me this collation of images and videos I took years ago. I was out with my
39:40daughters. I like to take them out on daddy-daughter dates, right? And as we're walking, we were
39:45walking down West Croydon High Street, four places. It's like Rome. All roads lead to it.
39:51You laugh now, but one day you will find yourself there, I guarantee you.
39:56But as we walked down the street, we walked past a homeless man who was on the floor, begging,
40:01because we have a massive homelessness crisis in Croydon. And as we walked past this man,
40:05my daughters point to him and say, Daddy, what's wrong with that man? And I said, Girls,
40:10he's homeless. He doesn't have the privilege that we do. Disposable income, family support,
40:15a home to go to. But we mustn't look down on him. Because just because he has less than us,
40:20does not make him less than us. The same God created us all.
40:33And my daughter said, Dad, could we have some money to give to them? And I said, Sure,
40:36because we are Muslims and it's a big part of our faith to give to charity. So I gave them
40:39a pound each. And they went to this homeless man, they gave it to him. He smiled and thanked
40:43them. And they ran back to me. They're like, Daddy, look, he's happy. On that day, my daughters
40:49were happy to do something for someone that was in no position to repay them. And I was the proudest
40:55father on earth. Until they ruined it. Because they looked back and he was still there begging,
41:10right? My daughter said, Hey, Daddy, I just gave that man two pounds. Why is he still outside?
41:16Why is he bought a house? Why is he bought a car? Why is he still begging? And I thought, Oh shit,
41:22I'm raising Tories. And I was like, No, no, no, no, no. You have to understand. Okay.
41:37The money we gave him is only enough for his immediate needs. If we really want to make
41:39things happen, we need to tear down the system and get rid of all these corrupt politicians.
41:43No, no, Daddy, no. Why does everybody require to give him two pounds? I said, Don't be silly.
41:50We can't give him that much money. He might buy drug shit. Now I sound like a Tory. See,
41:54that's how they get you. That's money. That's how they. Now while I'm trying to explain how
41:58the world works to the little one, the big one pipes up. Daddy. I don't know why she
42:04sounds like that. That's her mum, man. Proper grammar school girl. Daddy. Daddy. Are you
42:11listening, Daddy? What about this? Why don't we give everything we have but don't need to people
42:16that need but don't have? Then nobody be poor and everybody be rich. Oh, shut up,
42:21you little hippie. I didn't actually say that. I haven't talked to my girls like that.
42:26What I said is, No, sweetheart. We can't do that. Okay. We can't. We can't have a society
42:31where everybody is rich and nobody's poor. It's not sustainable. She said, Why?
42:36Why? Because it's a socialist Marxist fantasy. To which she replied, Sir? What's wrong with
42:48that, Daddy? Fucking hell. Sometimes as parents, you just have to be honest, right? There's
42:57no copper. I'm her source of information and wisdom. I can't run away from this responsibility.
43:02But I also have to be honest, right? So, I was. She said, Go on. Tell me, Daddy.
43:07What's wrong with socialist Marxist fantasies? And I was honest. I looked it in the eye and
43:13I said, That's why I don't like talking to you. Always asking my-
43:17Nabeel Abdul Rashid! People of the Apollo, have you had a fun evening?
43:34Yeah! Please cheer as loud as you can one more time for Catherine Fohart and Nabeel Abdul Rashid!
43:40I've been your host, I vote Graham. I hope to see you again. Good night!
43:45And good night!
43:48Science GEORGE
43:51CHEERING
43:56Torres
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