- 2 days ago
First broadcast 26th December 1983.
Arthur, Terry and Dave look back on some of the scrapes into which Arthur has got himself and Terry into over the past months.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Arthur, Terry and Dave look back on some of the scrapes into which Arthur has got himself and Terry into over the past months.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Glynn Edwards - Dave
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00we should have put the lights on first yeah I know that was down to his nibs he
00:07promised didn't he he's got a busy week ain't he taking her indoors on the kids
00:11down the airport and trying to knock out four cases of Dunhill aftershave down
00:15the market that shouldn't be too hard yeah but this is like the fluid splash
00:19this all over you end up a human torch ain't gonna be on his tod for Christmas
00:23is he yeah he will be up to all sorts of things like running away from geezers
00:27with scorched chins well he be in a mood for a party when just a club hello
00:34mrs. daily no no he's not here at the moment but we are expecting him any
00:39minute now oh yeah yes of course course I'll tell him yes right yes and Merry
00:48Christmas yeah from the airport yeah and she didn't sound at all happy
00:56it was his present for Scotch Harry he's barred isn't he well he's been barred so
01:02many times I can't remember if he's a member or not he's got a prezzy oh well
01:06that'll be a necktie so he can strangle himself hey do you know what I could do
01:13with all that money I could get myself an oil rig you'd be better off with the distillery listen
01:23don't come at you cock me a hard case what do I need you for I mean you think I can't do the
01:34bizzle myself don't you worry about that Jimmy I can do the bizzle myself I've got a not guilty for
01:47manslaughter you probably never did it right I'm a holly you know that Harry's brand new and don't
02:02you forget it you know this is the third car we that from the security wing of the scrubs and we've
02:08had about half a dozen for the Ford open prison and all very nicely written as well
02:12shall I go yeah I suspect it's the dustman again I gave the milkman a tenner this morning
02:20then I realized we don't even have milk it's not the dustman it's the scavenger oh yeah don't be rude
02:26oh talk about recession everybody's fleeing to foreign parts the airport they're either going
02:32skiing or the Caribbean where'd I get the dough eh we're waiting for the lights well the lights are
02:38here oh yeah oh dear are they small enough well it's only for the tree in it you're not going to
02:43illuminate Oxford Street hey your wife's been on the dog oh there you are you see I've been gone
02:4710 minutes and she's thinking of me already yeah well she did seem a bit agitated well wouldn't you
02:51two kids long flight to Florida going to see your sister wouldn't you fancy it it's the husband
02:57got a padlock on his dustbin he came over here about three years ago at the nip all the time I never
03:02stopped picking up bills talk about deep pockets he wouldn't even buy a packet of pork scratchings
03:06yeah I'll remember it he got money out of you I am known for my generosity Dave your generosity
03:12is legendary how about a 1977 Lotus Eclat never raced or rallied one careful owner genuine 21,000 miles
03:26on the clock good music thoughtlessly maintained genuine reason for sale
03:31oh as it happens I may be able to help cash ah banks are still open now you see the trouble with
03:44this it's a specialist motor I mean price wise they just fall out of bed forget it I'll go to a dealer
03:49what you want a dealer for I got the book Lotus Eclat yes registration yes what are you asking seven
03:59grand seven you're joking it's under five in the book show me where the book is confidential for the
04:06trade only I can't flash the book around I get this from a very special contact I should say four and a half
04:13hey you've had a smash there oh I'm sorry that's where me edit it the night I was done over
04:21ah it's still a floor you say five yeah I'm being a fool to myself
04:27I'll take you five but there's one condition yeah I come back to you before midday tomorrow and I give
04:36you five two and the motor is mine again yeah what sort of a deal is that it's a steal that's what
04:42I don't come back tomorrow you got yourself a motor I do come back you've earned yourself 200 quid
04:46just for parking it overnight midday tomorrow yeah registration book
04:52keys
04:55Morris you got yourself a steak
04:59fingers Arthur you said you get me a nice clean four-year-old Capri yeah I will Dave I will but I'm in a Lotus Eclat I thought it was a personal friend you like first refusal see with a motor like this you get a bit of respect yeah I've heard they just fall out of bed price-wise
05:27you've heard what specialist motor like this
05:31look if you're talking about inflation set of wheels like this is an investment in two years time you'll be making money I mean the stereo is better than the one you got in the club
05:41yeah that flash Morris you imagine how he must have caned it Morris
05:46it's nothing to do with Morris it's a second car bought it for his missus what does she use it for
05:52end and to add and some back again I'm not kidding Dave seven and a half in the book to you six nine
05:58ninety and I won't even be getting a drink out of it six how much well forget the odd ninety we won't say
06:03nothing about delivery charges forget the delivery Arthur it's out of my league honest
06:07oh dear try to do a favor look have you thought of consulting the missus they love a motor like this
06:17she wants a caravan
06:19oh well funny there I might be able to help you look I've got a friend who's got a clean dormobile
06:26T registration he's had a stroke so it's not even run in keep looking for a nice clean four-year-old Capri
06:33Arthur
06:33you sure these are the right voltage of course they are I've had no complaints hospitals restaurants
06:40institutions fantasy power stations all in total darkness huh
06:44yes good dear hey I saw old Charlie Montague he got mugged by four carol singers outside Stanford
06:50bridge and no visible injuries no no no no hello this is
06:54no no no no you you you you've got it wrong my dear why are you so worried about old Charlie he's
07:06only the treasurer of the Christmas Club he's supposed to pay out tonight happens every year
07:10doesn't it yeah I know it's the environment in this place villainy is everywhere Cyril I'm gonna kill
07:18little Cyril well what's wrong they won't let her on the plane he's given her the wrong tickets
07:23I want him damaged and any kith and kin you can lay your hands on Arthur it's Christmas the season
07:29of goodwill he better make his will I want his head bring me the head of little Cyril and by the
07:35way them fairy lights are nine pounds Merry Christmas to you yeah the plugs 99p don't don't don't worry
07:42about me I've been in worse problems in this oh god this is ridiculous it's gotta be around it somewhere
07:53right it's all yours Terry no Arthur
08:19this country is playing me up Terry I'm not I'm not feeling all that I am not going to do it alone
08:28all right
08:32come on
08:35you should have come back a bit more what I want to get there just in case I have to get out on the hurry up
09:00but not big enough for the ball oh it's just a precaution yeah I know look oh you've got it
09:05yeah I've got it you've got it no
09:07it's a bit big in it
09:12now it's trying to be seen like the dog like the pet no no but it's just because he might get nervous
09:20yeah well that'll make free of us
09:21come on Terry
09:25get us away
09:32hey
09:33hey
09:34what's his name?
09:41I don't know
09:42oh he likes flowers
09:47hello Ferdy then
09:50hello Ferdy
09:51hello Ferdy
09:52that's Spanish innit?
09:53I don't know
09:54go on
09:55Toro Ferdy
09:56hello mate
09:57hello
09:59Arthur
10:00supposed to be lucky innit?
10:05hello mate
10:06bit of breakfast
10:13hello
10:14you're a big boy ain't ya?
10:16here
10:17who's a pretty bull then?
10:19look
10:20nice eh?
10:21hello
10:22yeah
10:23look nice
10:24who's a pretty bully?
10:25you're not a bully really are you?
10:28come in let's a push that round your nose
10:29hold on
10:30come here
10:31come here
10:32who's this who's this
10:33who's this
10:34who's this
10:35oh good boy
10:37what who
10:39wow
10:40hell
10:40yeah
10:41here's a good boy
10:42oh
10:44good boy
10:47take it easy
10:48come here
10:49come here
10:50come here
10:51here's a good boy
10:52Look, that's all right, isn't it? It's a bit up your nose, but that's all right.
10:55Oh, my good call. Come on, son.
10:57Look, look at that. It's everywhere.
11:00You wouldn't be giving me any bullshit, would you?
11:03Come on, son.
11:06Well, if he does come back, would you tell him somebody's going to hang him?
11:11Who are you phoning now?
11:13I don't know.
11:15Ready?
11:18Twinkle, bleak and twinkle.
11:20That's £9 you just lost after.
11:21Absolutely.
11:22No, no, no, no. It's just a broken circuit.
11:25You have to check each individual little bulb.
11:27It's a very delicate operation.
11:30You're selling them. You demonstrate this miracle of science.
11:33Oh, dear, oh, dear.
11:35It's perfectly straightforward.
11:37Look, you've just got to make sure they're nice and tight in their sockets.
11:40Like that.
11:42There you are. See, look, that one...
11:44Loser!
11:45You idiot!
11:46You left the power on.
11:48We got a little shocked, did we?
11:49All right.
12:02Yeah?
12:02Me.
12:03what time is it quarter to five oh are you living this shambles
12:13what are you doing is this an early start or a late finish early indoors
12:20locked me out didn't she thought you had her in trade yeah i was giving share on a bell from home
12:28she was here holding on the extension yeah i saw the film all right don't i get a cup of tea or
12:35something if you brought your own tea bag you've got to do that or something uh yeah there's a tartan
12:44travel rug on one of those covers this is a car see you know that the cars is through there
12:51simon come about them jeans did simon come about them jeans yes simon did come about those bloody
12:59jeans he said they're all made in albania and levi's is spelt with an i and not a y
13:06oh i love the garters what's everyone got against albania they were on our side during the war
13:15hey look this has got stuff all over it it's probably wheat germ
13:21every bloody germ by the look of it i might get a flat with that share on
13:27arthur you're aptly married man yeah she got her cards tonight i told her
13:33i thought you said she locked the door on you i'm shouting through the letterbox
13:37oh this cushion could do with a visit the schedule isn't all oh
13:42oi
13:48oi
13:51what wait me call it away
13:54what for
13:55gotta take the kids to school haven't i
13:57yeah i forgot
13:59what
14:00well they don't arrive in a daimler get expelled don't they
14:04oh shut up terry i'm trying to get to sleep
14:06thank you
14:11off you go boys
14:14alone at last arthur
14:25at last
14:28well i think i'd just like to go to the little boys room second on the left upstairs
14:51tom
14:53oh second on the uh left yes sir
14:56no second on the uh left yes sir
15:00oh second on the uh left yes sir
15:07oh second on the uh left yes sir
15:09oh
15:14oh
15:16oh
15:21oh
15:23oh
15:25oh
15:29oh
15:30oh
15:45oh
15:49oh
15:53oh
16:08oh
16:23oh
16:25oh
16:27oh
16:42oh
16:44oh
16:46oh
17:03oh
17:05oh
17:20oh
17:22oh
17:38oh
17:40the kids are very annoyed and all
17:42oh my god no don't say it
17:44not tears
17:45kids are so unforgiving
17:50do you know
17:52do you know if your mum's got enough reddies
17:54reddies
17:55has she got enough money
17:57money
17:59don't think she's much fares up to london with her
18:02don't you mean down
18:03no we always say up
18:05up
18:06well it don't really matter does it
18:08suppose not
18:12you got any other relations in warrington
18:14they're only grand she died about two years ago
18:18you're not really my uncle are you
18:33what makes you say that
18:35well my mum's never mentioned you until we was coming up here on a train
18:39well no i mean uh i'm not a blood relation but your mum and me we were well very good friends
18:48a long time ago
18:50that before they were born
18:53yeah
18:55yeah that was before you were born
19:07well what can i do eh
19:09well you're gonna shoot down the airport with a thermos flash can hold her hand
19:13cheers
19:14now get a cup of tea down there she's got plenty of travelers checks
19:17you didn't get them off of bernie did you
19:19yeah
19:20you know he's on bail for nicking travelers checks from thomas cook
19:23very respectable firm
19:25look just because he was misled doesn't mean to say he's guilty
19:28we still have an equitable legal system in this country
19:30twelve good men and true
19:32yeah i heard he was done a few years ago for knobbling the jury
19:38anyway he'll probably be here tonight
19:40no thank you i've had enough of your members of the alternative society
19:43yeah but it's all right for you innit you can go home
19:46i am a captive audience i am trapped here behind the bar
19:48i shall have big john bending my ear about last week's bank robbery
19:52i shall have shotgun simon plotting next week's bank robbery
19:56it ain't like a proper club
19:58they don't talk about their gardens
20:00or their fishing
20:02well come on and where do we want to go
20:04hamstead
20:06in london
20:07oh dear old london
20:08he was always a romantic ernie
20:10what's that
20:12what did you miss most ernie
20:13i mean being away you missed er
20:15well you missed miniskirts
20:17oh and a fellow went to the moon but there was nothing there
20:19then there was the music
20:21well no you couldn't call that stuff music
20:22you wouldn't have liked that
20:23oh little cliffy richards still around
20:25still a bachelor boy
20:26then there was a three day week
20:28digital clocks
20:29mohammed alley
20:30oh and i believe there's something called v80
20:32but you don't want to worry yourself about that
20:34oh all in all that was the 60s and 70s for you
20:37i've seen the newspapers you know
20:40i'm only marking your card ernie
20:42i mean chelsea were up and down like a yo-yo
20:44arthur he's been into the scrubs not bleeding devil's island
20:47i'd better inform the new properly
20:49never mind the newspapers
20:51i read books
20:52lots of books
20:54yeah i know i know
20:55you always liked the book even in the old days
20:57did i
21:00uh where um
21:01where are you thinking of living ernie
21:03got any ideas
21:06oh flats are very hard to come by
21:08didn't you have a sister down croydon way
21:10how do i know
21:11i haven't seen her since my old mother's funeral in 1962
21:15god bless her
21:16no other relatives
21:18look arthur i might ask you for lodging
21:20ernie please my home is your own
21:23the thing is it's a tiny little flat
21:25kids growing up you know
21:27sure
21:28pretty you didn't have kids isn't it
21:31it'd be nice if you had a daughter with a place in the country
21:34yeah
21:35well i haven't
21:36see the thing is i haven't told her indoors about you staying
21:40forget him
21:41forget him
21:45there you whatever your name is
21:46terry
21:47yeah
21:48terry
21:49put me in here with him
21:56bring the cage
21:57nice man of this isn't it
22:05yeah
22:09no
22:10i think i'll stay in a big hotel something flash and comfortable
22:13oh that's nice
22:14and you've earned it
22:15and you've got the money i imagine
22:18i've got plenty
22:19don't worry about me
22:20don't worry about me
22:50MUSIC PLAYS
23:17Now, Cyril, listen to me.
23:19Look, look, look, look, Cyril, listen to me, Cyril.
23:22What?
23:24Yeah.
23:25Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, all right.
23:27But if not, you are going to get 11 and a half stone of terry on your head.
23:32Well, I'm here, aren't I? Where else can I go?
23:35Cyril.
23:37Why, it's all happening, you see.
23:38He's having a word with his representative at the airport.
23:41His representative? I know who that is.
23:44It's his brother. Drives a cab.
23:46Yeah. He picks poor, unsuspecting punters up from Ephraux,
23:49takes them via Northampton, drops them off at Staples Corner
23:52and tells them it's the middle of the West End.
23:55What are you doing?
23:57Watch.
23:59Hey!
24:00Oh, what a man, Harry.
24:02Oh, that's lovely, isn't it?
24:04Who's a little genius then, eh?
24:05Worth every penny of nine pounds.
24:07Yeah, it's...
24:07Oh, boy.
24:11Half a daily, the Prince of Darkness.
24:13Oh, call the phone.
24:14Oh!
24:15Call that.
24:16Oh!
24:17I've got some cattle, shall we?
24:18Oh, get them, get them.
24:19Get that phone, it's important.
24:21It's got to be for you, isn't it?
24:22No, that was her indoors.
24:23I know her ring anywhere.
24:24Cozy, isn't it?
24:36Eerie, you mean.
24:44Urgent medical supplies.
24:46Oh, yeah, it's all right.
24:46It's quite standard.
24:47Just a discreet way of transporting, that's all.
24:50Oi, oi, oi, you.
24:52How long's this cousin of yours been brown-bred?
24:54Terry.
24:55Well, it could be unhealthy, couldn't it?
24:57Well, actually, the body was embalmed at the port of court.
25:01Well, that's a relief.
25:02If you could, er, just give me a hand to load it up.
25:05Yeah, well, we're going to have to move the transit, aren't we?
25:07The key's in it.
25:08Oh, no, Terry, Terry, I'll do that.
25:10You help Mr Meadhurst.
25:22Oh, look, that'll do you.
25:24All right, all right, hold on.
25:27Now, it'll be heavy.
25:29That's a dead weight, innit?
25:34Open the doors.
25:40Fire.
25:41Give it a shove and it'll slide.
25:42Right.
25:43Oh, I can't.
25:45Oh, fuck!
25:46Sorry, mate.
25:49No, it's all right.
25:50Not you, Em.
27:57Christmas is a bad time for erstwhile lovers.
27:59Ain't too good for you either, is it?
28:02Okay?
28:04All right.
28:06Nice to see you.
28:09Hello, sailor.
28:10Oh, the bloody hell's this?
28:12Yeah, don't worry.
28:13Look, this is your man.
28:14Eight hundred quid for a ride in this.
28:15We're only ironing it, you know, not buying it.
28:16Take the notice, it's all right.
28:17Is that lot with you?
28:18Oh, my God.
28:19Oh, my God.
28:20I might have guessed.
28:21Come on.
28:22Come on.
28:23Come on.
28:24Come on.
28:25Come on.
28:26Come on.
28:27Come on.
28:28Come on.
28:29Come on.
28:30Come on.
28:31Come on.
28:32Come on.
28:33Come on.
28:34Come on.
28:35Hey!
28:36Hey!
29:06Man over, bull.
29:10Give it up, man.
29:11Go on, how do you want to join him?
29:12Go on.
29:13Come on, Charlie.
29:15Come on, you son.
29:18Charlie.
29:21Cast off, Arft.
29:23Do what?
29:24Give us a push.
29:30Come on, Arthur.
29:31Give us a push, for God's sake.
29:32I am pushing.
29:35Huh?
29:36Oi, no.
29:40Oh, God.
29:42Good dear, oh dear.
29:44Oh, come on, Arthur.
29:48Come on, Arthur.
29:49Help me.
29:50I'm going to get some bloody food poisoning.
29:56That'd make my watch all wet.
29:58Fellas, it was nice while it lasted.
30:00Hasta luego, how you go, fellas.
30:02Yeah, tell you, Jacko.
30:03See you, Jack.
30:04Have a good trip.
30:05The Hino
30:17Oh, God.
30:18All right.
30:18You God.
30:19See you again.
30:23I know, you once again.
30:23You're with me.
30:24Oh, God.
30:24Come on.
30:25Okay.
30:25I don't know.
30:55What do you do that for?
30:56What do you lock me out?
30:57I told you I was locking up, didn't I?
30:59Bastard.
31:00You've been pouring that stuff down your throat all night.
31:02Well, what do you care?
31:04I care when you start smashing up the house.
31:06Oh, yeah, the house.
31:07It doesn't matter if I'm dead or alive, as long as the flaming house is all neat and tidy.
31:11You're as bad as my bleeding brother, you are.
31:14Get that loud Derek out of the house before he does something disgusting on the Exminster.
31:18I've heard it all before.
31:20Oh, he wouldn't stand for all that self-pity bullshit either, eh?
31:23I like the sound of him more and more.
31:24You bastard.
31:26Oi!
31:30You smash anything else in this house, Sunbeam, I'm gonna put you to...
31:33Oh, Bennett, what's your game?
31:35Death to music.
31:37No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
31:39Get out!
31:40I'm gonna have to get advice about you.
31:55Oh!
31:56Oh!
31:57Oh!
31:58Oh!
31:59Oh!
32:00Oh!
32:01Oh!
32:02Oh!
32:03Oh!
32:08He's there.
32:09Hey!
32:10Thank God for that.
32:11Here we go.
32:12Here we go.
32:13No, don't turn them fairy lights on.
32:14What?
32:15Do you want to do it?
32:16I'm waiting for a call, aren't I?
32:17Hmm?
32:18When was the last time you had this place rewired?
32:19Oh, I don't know.
32:20Years ago.
32:21Really, Dave?
32:22Oh!
32:23Well, as it happens, I know a very good man.
32:25I mean, being Christmas and an emergency, of course, the rates will be a bit higher, but
32:28I'll give him a bell.
32:29First-class man.
32:30And as we're friends, we won't say anything about VAT.
32:32Don't listen to him, Dave.
32:34You'll have electricians, carpenters, carpet layers, plasterers, and they'll all be me.
32:38Yeah, well, thanks, Arthur, but no thanks.
32:40Well, I'm only thinking of you.
32:41I mean, you know, fire hazard, snooping from the council.
32:43You are all right for insurance, aren't you?
32:45Oh, yeah, yes.
32:46That is all in order.
32:47You thought it was Christmas, didn't you?
32:48Suddenly it's doomsday.
32:49You are all right for the Black Plague, aren't you?
32:52Well, I suppose the first thing is to choose a foreman.
32:56Yes, that is the usual, normal procedure.
32:59How about you, my dear?
33:02No?
33:03No?
33:04Well, what about you, Arthur?
33:06I mean, you seem to have some idea, you know, the way you handled it off and that.
33:09I mean, why don't you do it?
33:10Oh, I don't know.
33:11Oh, all right, all right.
33:13As a matter of fact, I do have a certain working knowledge of the law.
33:16Well, no-one objects, doesn't he?
33:18No, no, let's just get on with it, shall we?
33:21Well, what's the procedure?
33:23Do we just vote or what?
33:25Just vote?
33:26Well, the man's clearly guilty.
33:28You've only got to look at his face.
33:30Madam, with respect, a man's boat is hardly a reasonable foundation on which to base a conviction.
33:35Bloody right.
33:37What is boat?
33:38I do not understand.
33:40Boat race, madam.
33:42Well, look, look, let me, let me, let me just say this.
33:44As the, er, duly elected foreman of this jury, I need hardly remind you that it is our sworn duty to weigh the evidence, balance the scales of justice, free ourselves from the constraints of prejudice...
33:58Same.
33:59...and blind emotion and arrive at a true and honest verdict in accordance with the facts.
34:07Very good, isn't it?
34:10I think the guy was lying to him teat.
34:13But it's cool.
34:14We all dig, right?
34:16So, I feel say we should have grooved in with the foreman here and give him the benefit.
34:22What you say, sister?
34:23That's right.
34:24I mean, you've got to play the white man, ain't you?
34:27But ask yourself this.
34:30Can we, dare we, do that here?
34:34In the very nucleus, the heart of British justice.
34:39The jury room.
34:42I think not.
34:46Out there is a fellow human being whose very future hangs on our decision.
34:52Not to mention his old mum, who's dependent on him.
34:55It is frightening.
34:57Frightening.
34:58But it is a challenge.
34:59And I know you will all be with me when I say it is a challenge we must not shirk.
35:08Ready?
35:09I still don't think you should risk it.
35:10Shut up.
35:11Go on, give it a go.
35:16There you are.
35:17Nothing wrong with them lights.
35:18Good as gold.
35:19I'm well pleased with that, seeing what they cost me.
35:22War office.
35:23Terry.
35:24Hello?
35:25No, no.
35:26Of course it's not, dear.
35:27It was Terry being silly.
35:28Now, look.
35:29I've been talking to Cyril.
35:30Ah, well, there you are.
35:32You see?
35:33I told you I'm well known with Pan and Ham.
35:36You wanted how much?
35:38I see.
35:40You all right, dear.
35:42Have a nice time.
35:43What do you mean typical?
35:45No, no, no, no.
35:46Don't you worry about me.
35:48You just get on the plane.
35:49Have a good time.
35:50You have a nice flight.
35:51Bye-bye, dear.
35:53Fair on.
35:54That little Cyril's brother knocked her for 100 notes.
35:56That must be a great relief to you, Arthur.
35:58I was stealing money out of my pocket.
36:00Yeah, but you're saved on presents, haven't you?
36:02Having the family away.
36:03That's a cheap jibe, Terence.
36:04I wouldn't give you an expensive one, would I?
36:06Why's the matter with him?
36:07I pay my way, don't I?
36:08Do what?
36:09Well, you'll get a present every Yuletide.
36:10Oh, yeah.
36:11Yeah.
36:12An electric toothbrush.
36:13I've had one every year for six years.
36:15That's where the wife got it from.
36:17Yeah.
36:18Six years ago, he got two gross of them.
36:20Flood damage.
36:21Fire.
36:22Pestilence, for all I know.
36:23They go on and off like those fairy lights.
36:25And this boy's obsessed with electrical appliances.
36:27You know something else, don't you?
36:28You should have been nicked.
36:30You know something else.
36:31You know more about that than I would.
36:36I've got the top one, have I?
36:38Looks like it.
36:39It's okay by me.
36:40I've got plenty of practice.
36:42I've just done a five in Durham.
36:44Only out two weeks.
36:45The bastards down here, they don't give you a chance.
36:48Attemptive robbery, they say.
36:50Black and blue all over.
36:51They give me a right kicking on the way in.
36:53Just to stuff them.
36:55I say, stuff them.
36:57What are you in for yourself?
36:59Not a lot.
37:03I've been everywhere meself.
37:04Maidenhead, pole.
37:06I've even been up in Peterhead.
37:08I've done pottery and carpet weaving up there.
37:10And they niche you for it.
37:13No, inside.
37:15Occupational therapy.
37:17Bloody cold up there, you know.
37:22You don't say much, do you?
37:25Don't get a lot of chance with you.
37:27Don't mind me.
37:28I'm an outgoing sort of fella.
37:29I like getting on with people and that.
37:32I'll suss that.
37:33Oh, straight, I am.
37:37But like you, you seem worried.
37:40You know, depressed.
37:44First time in, is it?
37:46Don't worry.
37:47Get it off me chest.
37:48Yeah, why not?
37:49Best way.
37:51What do they call you?
37:54They call me Colin.
37:56Big call, usually.
37:57Yeah, I know you.
37:58You do?
37:59You heard of me?
38:00Oh, yeah, yeah.
38:02Probably end up my best pal, won't you?
38:04Then in a fit of depression and remorse, I'll tell you my life story, what I've done, how I did it.
38:08And the next time I'll see you, I'll be in the witness box swearing my life away.
38:13Hey, you've got it all wrong.
38:16I just want to be your friend.
38:18Great.
38:19But I've had enough of friends for today.
38:21OK.
38:33Sorry, sir.
38:34Busy night.
38:38Oh, my good God, no.
38:44Arthur Daly.
38:46This is a real privilege, I mean.
38:48Arthur Daly.
38:49Don't give me all that.
38:51You are privileged, as it happens.
38:54But I know why.
38:56Oh, dear.
38:57All people.
38:59The ferret.
39:00I hate that name.
39:01Why do they call me that?
39:03You ever look in the mirror?
39:05Don't they ever learn?
39:06Look, if I'm guilty, which I'm not, do they really think I'd tell you anything?
39:11No.
39:14You can depend on me, Arthur.
39:16You?
39:17You've got more grass than Kew Gardens.
39:19Me, Arthur, never.
39:21All my mother's eyesight.
39:22She's dead.
39:23I was at the funeral nine years ago, and you wasn't there.
39:26They wouldn't let me out.
39:27I did a run-up when my dad was buried.
39:30Can I sit down?
39:31No.
39:32Go sit somewhere else.
39:39I had a nice one tonight.
39:42Jeweler's shop.
39:44I got arrested by a dog.
39:46On his own?
39:47They're clever, aren't they?
39:48Three law, but it was down on a dog.
39:52You are just a simple recidivist.
39:55I know.
39:57I'm inadequate.
39:58Well, don't be so proud of it.
40:00I'm only telling you what to say.
40:02I'm surprised to see you here.
40:06Well, I am here.
40:08I've always respected you, Arthur.
40:11Yeah?
40:12Oh, yes.
40:13A respected man in the manor.
40:15Hard.
40:16Yeah?
40:17Oh, yeah.
40:18No doubt about it.
40:19Hard man in business.
40:22Everybody knows that.
40:23That's why you've gone such a long way.
40:26Yeah, that's very true, Ferret.
40:28Billy.
40:29Don't get me wrong when I say hard.
40:32Not physical.
40:34You've got Terry.
40:36And he's as hard as you can get.
40:38Yeah.
40:39Where was he when I needed him?
40:40That's what I thought.
40:43Eh?
40:44I...
40:45You don't think...
40:47Terry's done something to...
40:50I mean, put you in this for a bother?
41:01Who told you to say that?
41:03Not Rycott, I hope.
41:06No!
41:08You've never concocted that theory all on your own.
41:10I don't know what you mean, Arthur.
41:13As you say, Ferret, I'm not a physical man.
41:18Brain rather than brawn.
41:21But I could make an exception in your case.
41:23Give you a very nasty spanking.
41:26Sorry.
41:27No offence, Mr. Daly.
41:29Don't mess with me, Ferret.
41:31Oh, sorry, Billy.
41:34She'll be up there in the great blue yonder now, often.
41:38Yeah.
41:40I wonder what she left for me tea.
41:43Tea?
41:44When was the last time you had tea?
41:45Oh, no, it's a principle, isn't it?
41:47Never mind your tea.
41:48What are you doing about your Christmas dinner?
41:51Well, someone will invite me.
42:00No, I'm a very self-sufficient person.
42:02What you mean is everyone's left you out, giving you a blank.
42:06Yeah, yeah.
42:07Listen, if I got all my friends and laid them end to end, they'd stretch from here to...
42:11To here.
42:13Now, mind you, you nearly qualify for Meals on Wheels now, don't you?
42:17Don't you worry. I'll get by, sunshine.
42:19Sunshine?
42:21I mean, it's normally Terry, or Young Terence, or Tell.
42:25I never call you Tell.
42:26I've never understood why people call Terry's Tellies.
42:29Well, except for Chinese, Tell.
42:32Nah, don't worry. I won't leave you out.
42:35Mind you, you're gonna have to share your turkey and your cracker with a bird on it.
42:39Don't mind that, do you?
42:40What, your converted squat?
42:42Nah, don't you worry about me.
42:43I don't need anyone to help me pull my cracker.
42:46I bet you do, pal.
42:50That's bleeding, McCain!
42:51Ni-
42:52Ni-
42:53Ni-
42:54Ni-
42:55Ni-
42:56Ni-
42:57Ni-
42:58Ni-
42:59Ni-
43:00Ni-
43:01Ni-
43:02Ni-
43:03Ni-
43:04Ni-
43:05Ni-
43:06Ni-
43:20Have him off the road.
43:50Read the statistics, heart attacks, you drop dead Arthur, what do they find?
43:55Just another old jogger.
44:00The money, Arthur.
44:01Don't know.
44:02Then run.
44:06You've been abusing your body.
44:08You're killing me, and I don't know.
44:15Nice, big, deep breaths.
44:17And you can tell me.
44:20See?
44:22Quite what little exercise could do for you, innit?
44:24In it just.
44:26See?
44:27Quite what little exercise could do for you, innit?
44:32In it just.
44:34Oh!
44:35What is that?
44:36What is that?
44:37What is that?
44:38Oh!
44:39What you gonna count it, then?
44:41In it just.
44:42Oh!
44:43No, Terry, no!
44:45Oh!
44:53I'm just gonna count it, then.
44:55Oof!
44:56Oh!
45:04Aren't you gonna count it, then?
45:07No, Terry, no.
45:08No, you've got an honest face.
45:14Leave it out, Stuart!
45:16He'll slaughter you.
45:25Come on, mate. You're all right. Come on. Up you get it.
45:28Come on. Come on. There you go. That's it.
45:33Terry, I'm a goner.
45:36The watch. You have the watch.
45:40Look after her indoors. Don't tell her too much.
45:44Come on. You're all right. Get your feet on your plates. Come on. That's it.
45:48Good deep breaths. Come on. Come on.
45:50Oh, at the minute I'm going, I need a kiss of life.
45:59Oh, I'm sorry about that, mate. Listen, have a cigar, eh?
46:04Come on.
46:06Oh, Terry. You're a pal.
46:11Yeah, mate. Where would we be without her, mate?
46:14Come on.
46:20Well, I assume you two gentlemen will grace us with your presents for a Moriarty.
46:32Oh, not many. Best night of year.
46:34Yeah, I've got a bit of dashing about to do, but I'll be back.
46:37Hey, now, bud, it's Christmas dinner.
46:39No, don't worry. My home is your home.
46:43Yeah, your home is my home.
46:45Oh, don't stall that.
46:47No, but it's my home. It isn't your home. You've found it. I have to pay for it.
46:52I'm right. I'm right. What?
46:54Thank you for the lights.
46:57My pleasure, Dave.
47:03Yeah.
47:04Merry Christmas.
Comments