- 6 hours ago
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00:00Okay, so it's very simple.
00:01Use your fingers to keep your eyelid open.
00:04Gently place the lens on your eye.
00:07No, no way, I can see it coming.
00:13Maybe if I try to close my eyes.
00:14You can't close your eye or it won't go in your eye.
00:18Try again.
00:19Okay.
00:20Okay, so in these circumstances we have to recommend glasses.
00:27Glasses?
00:28I don't think so.
00:29I'm not some giant nerd.
00:30No offence.
00:31I don't want any face furniture at all.
00:33Well, you're going to have to because your eyesight is pretty shit.
00:36No offence.
00:37Oh.
00:38Well.
00:39Who'd I look like?
00:41Denzel?
00:42Harry Potter.
00:43My mum.
00:45Eddie the Eagle.
00:58I'm wearing my trunks, Melanie.
00:59Yes, sir.
01:00Hmm.
01:01Oh, did you type up the redundancy package for the superintendents?
01:02I did, sir.
01:03Hmm.
01:04Care to join me for a plunge?
01:05Plunge, sir.
01:06Hmm.
01:07Ice bath plunge pool.
01:08Better for the brain than cocaine.
01:09That's what my doc says.
01:10And damn it, Melanie.
01:11He's right.
01:12Ha, ha, ha.
01:13Ya-da-da-da-da-da-da.
01:14Ooh, Mark Gates.
01:28Holy shit.
01:30Holy shit.
01:32What?
01:34It's your hair.
01:35Oh, yeah.
01:37I'm experimenting with a new me.
01:38Geeta 2.0 needed a change, so I thought I'd get myself a...
01:42A halo braid.
01:43Yeah, a halo braid.
01:44Which is, in fact, my wedding hairstyle.
01:47I knew I'd seen it somewhere before.
01:49Well, I'm sorry, Geeta, but you can't just walk around with that like willy-nilly.
01:52That is my wedding hair.
01:54Take it down, please.
01:55No.
01:56Do you own the copyright or something?
01:57I love it.
01:58I'm having it.
01:59Take it down now.
02:00You hair thief.
02:02Uh, no.
02:04You're never going to get your police hat over that.
02:06He's right.
02:06It's not work hair.
02:07And you look a bit ridiculous, actually, Geeta.
02:10Not in a mean way, but you do.
02:13No.
02:14Yes.
02:14Absolutely not.
02:15I like it.
02:16It makes me feel beautiful and special.
02:19Well, to be fair, she does look beautiful and special.
02:21Thank you, Paul.
02:23Wedding hair thief.
02:25You know, you'd be better off with a curly chignon for your big day.
02:28I could do one for you if you like.
02:30I did my nails for her big day.
02:31You did your grand's hair on her wedding day?
02:33No.
02:34A funeral.
02:35Mm.
02:36It was an open casket.
02:37She looked pretty rough because she got mauled by a dog, but her hair looked lovely.
02:40Do you feel impotent, Daz?
02:47No problem in that department.
02:48Stand to attention at the drop of a hat.
02:50Not literally.
02:51Be annoying.
02:52This is Bob Superintendent Weeks' jacket.
02:56Did you nick it?
02:57No.
02:58I had to take it to the dry cleaners.
02:59Egg stains.
03:01Why don't you try it on?
03:03Imagine how you would feel as a man of status.
03:05Bollocks to that.
03:06It's therapy.
03:07Just do it.
03:11So, ask me to make you some coffee.
03:15You what?
03:18Go on, sir.
03:20Ask me for things.
03:22What, coffee?
03:23Nah.
03:24Get me a lager.
03:24What's gotten into you today, sir?
03:29What's gotten into you, Moe, like?
03:31Nothing, sir, but I could help smooth down your jacket, if you like.
03:36And you could help me smooth down my skirt.
03:38Oh, hold on.
03:39Do you fancy me or something?
03:43Quick, take it off.
03:44Take it off.
03:44Yeah, trousers too.
03:45We could play Nudie Twister.
03:47Ow!
03:48What?
03:48A very useful therapy exercise, Sergeant Black.
03:51Good day.
03:52That will be all.
03:53Good day.
03:54All right, Dev.
04:11People keep smiling at me, and one girl winked at me.
04:14Oh, it's because you're spexy.
04:16Spexy?
04:17Yeah, it's sexy in specs.
04:19Not everyone can be spexy, but you are.
04:22Am I?
04:22Yeah, mate, totally spexy.
04:24I tried to get Jack to wear him, but he just looked like a paedophile.
04:27Crikey.
04:28Yeah, it was unnerving.
04:30Put me off my food for like ten minutes, and then I had a falafel, and I was all right after that.
04:34Spexy?
04:34I'm spexy.
04:36I'm spexy.
04:36I'm spexy.
04:37I'm spexy.
04:38I'm spexy.
04:38I'm spexy.
04:39I'm spexy.
04:39I'm spexy.
04:43Ah!
04:45Package.
04:46Package, sir.
04:46Hmm.
04:47What do you think of my package, hmm?
04:50Have you had a chance to have a good look at it?
04:52I did...
04:52Oh, come on, man.
04:53Don't be a nervous Nelly.
04:54Spit it up.
04:54It's very...
04:55Very good as packages go, sir.
04:57I just thought my package would be right up your alley.
04:59Thought you might jump at it.
05:01So, happen to take it?
05:02Do I have to take your package, sir?
05:04No, of course not.
05:06Take your time.
05:07Take it over.
05:08I'm off to Pilates.
05:16Oi, Dev.
05:18What does CSIS stand for?
05:19What?
05:20CSIS, what does that mean?
05:21Why are you asking him?
05:23Because I need to know for the next class.
05:25But why me?
05:26You look like you'd know.
05:27But normally you'd ask Afia.
05:28Or Geeta.
05:29Or Connor.
05:30Or Danny.
05:30Oh my God, that's so true.
05:31But today, I don't know.
05:33It just sort of feels like you'd know.
05:35Maybe it's the glasses.
05:36Yeah, that's it.
05:37Yeah, they make you look much more dev-er-clev.
05:39More clever-er-dev, you mean?
05:40Yeah, so that's what I meant.
05:41You see?
05:42How do you know something like that?
05:43I'll take him off and see what happens, yeah?
05:46Yeah, you look massively thick now.
05:48Yeah, I don't want that, yeah.
05:50Okay.
05:51What does CSIS mean?
05:53Custody Suite Imaging System.
05:55Wow.
05:56Wow.
05:58Come on, everyone, here we go.
06:01Now then, ah, ah, ah, ah.
06:06Don't worry, I'm not a pirate.
06:08I'm talking about the four R's.
06:10And this is an aide-memoire, which literally means...
06:15I've actually forgotten what it literally means,
06:18but it's to help you remember things.
06:21Now then, I need a volunteer.
06:23You, you're the best.
06:24The best.
06:25Indeed.
06:25Come on, you.
06:26You can be our detainee.
06:28Now, we've checked that you're fully conscious
06:30and you've been roused.
06:31So, moving on to number two, response.
06:36Response to questions.
06:37Now, I've got some here.
06:39Come on, Heidi, you can read out the questions.
06:40Come on.
06:41There you go.
06:41Read them in order.
06:43What is your name?
06:44It's Bob.
06:45Sorry.
06:46No, you're a T.
06:47So, we're talking to him, yeah?
06:49What is your name?
06:50Ariana Grande.
06:52Obviously not the Ariana Grande, just a different one.
06:55Where do you live?
06:56With Superintendent Bob Weeks.
06:57No, it's not true.
07:00No, but it could technically be true
07:01if I just maybe needed somewhere to stay.
07:04I suppose, I suppose in an alternative reality,
07:09a family set up.
07:10Maybe with, um, could go on holiday,
07:13could teach you how to fish.
07:15Where do you think you are?
07:16Alaska is the perfect place.
07:20Um, do you know, sorry, you're talking,
07:22oh, him, carry on.
07:24Where do you think you are?
07:25I am in Alaska with the Superintendent
07:27learning how to fish.
07:29Yes, yes, we can.
07:30I can teach you how to hold, hold,
07:31hold on to those in your head.
07:34The four R's.
07:36Let's take a break now.
07:38Okay, do some reading,
07:39and then we can take this far, farther,
07:42further.
07:46Student Officer Huggins.
07:48Sorry, was that early?
07:50Not at all, it was a test.
07:51What, to see if I'd be early?
07:53Uh, to test your powers of observation.
07:55To see if I realised I was early.
07:57Let's just move on from general timekeeping, shall we?
08:00Yeah.
08:00One of the biggest giveaways
08:02of being an undercover officer
08:04is taking your police notebook out every 30 seconds
08:07and writing things down.
08:08So, you are going to have to use
08:11your natural perceptive abilities.
08:13Well, I'm fucked then.
08:14Here's a test, and don't worry, I'm here to help.
08:17When you entered my office,
08:19on the desk in front of you
08:21was a tray with a number of small objects on it.
08:23Was there?
08:25Okay, what I was gonna say
08:27is that I've just covered the tray,
08:29and I'd like you to name as many of those objects
08:31as you can,
08:32but I might be moving a little bit too fast on this one.
08:34I mean, I did notice the toys sold to the alarm clock
08:36and the pepper grinder, the sachet of cat food,
08:38the gold watch, and the two-pound coin.
08:40I just, well, I just didn't notice they were on a tray.
08:42I guess I'm pretty shit at this.
08:45Fucking hell.
08:46Oh, there's the tray.
08:54Afia Barakat, I have a question for you.
08:57Yesterday, when I asked you out,
08:58you said, and I quote,
09:00it's a no.
09:01I remember.
09:02And I just wanted to check
09:02if that was a mistake of some sort.
09:04I don't make mistakes.
09:05Well, neither do I.
09:06Except you made one by asking me out.
09:08Which is odd.
09:08Something's not quite right.
09:09Yes.
09:10It's you.
09:12Bye.
09:18Unbelievable.
09:19Again.
09:20I know, right?
09:21What a saddick.
09:22What's this?
09:36Have you not seen what Cunningham's package looks like?
09:39Oh, my crikey, has someone been taking photos now?
09:41Your redundancy package.
09:43I see.
09:44Yeah, go on, take a look.
09:45It's a tidy sum.
09:47Let's not make this a battle to be decided
09:49on the wing of a madman.
09:51Just take the package, Bob.
09:51No, you take the package.
09:52No, you take the package.
09:54It's a lot of money, Bob.
09:55You can do all the things you've ever wanted.
09:57Well, that's not enough to build a full-size robot, lady.
10:00Some of the things you've ever wanted.
10:02But I wouldn't be here, would I?
10:04Yeah, exactly.
10:04What's not to like?
10:05I can't imagine my life without coming in here every day,
10:07having a cup of tea, and seeing the old familiar faces,
10:11old lovely Melanie, and the angry, bald man.
10:14You.
10:14Oh, fuck off.
10:15The smell of the canteen.
10:18The funny old toilets.
10:19Oh, just take the package, Bob.
10:21No, no.
10:23I am the heart and soul of this establishment.
10:25You may be the iron fist, but I am the kindly shepherd.
10:29What are you on about now?
10:30The trouble is, I want to keep shepherding
10:32just as much as you want to keep fisting.
10:35So.
10:37Just take the package, Bob.
10:55So, you are Superintendent Robert Redford Weeks.
11:03Yeah, Bob.
11:03Yes, that's me there.
11:04Okay.
11:05And you are looking to legally adopt a Connor Swift.
11:08Yes, I am.
11:09It's your stepson.
11:10No, no.
11:11Is this for inheritance reasons?
11:13No, no.
11:14Adoption's quite a serious step.
11:15Perhaps you can explain the history?
11:17Well, in ancient Rome, adoption was often used.
11:19Sorry, no, I'm actually looking for some background on the relationship.
11:22So, who is this child?
11:24Oh, he's a man, fully grown man.
11:26Right.
11:26A trainee at the college.
11:28And I met him last week.
11:30Last week?
11:30Yeah.
11:30If you met him, you'd understand.
11:33I'm not sure that I would.
11:34He's brave.
11:36He's intelligent.
11:37He's clever.
11:38He's got a lovely smile.
11:42Are you sure that it's adoption that you've got in mind?
11:44Well, could I adopt him?
11:47No.
11:48I think it's unlikely, don't you, given that he's a fully grown man?
11:51But it might be possible to change his name to yours by depot.
11:55Well, I could do that, could I?
11:56No, he could do that.
11:58Well, he could do anything.
12:00I wish I had a photo to show you.
12:02The closest I've got is a little sketch I drew of him.
12:07I think that's Connor.
12:08There he is.
12:10What did you think of that?
12:12I've actually got a class to get to on legal handover proceedings.
12:14I'm just going to wrap this up.
12:16Right, yes.
12:19I think that went rather well.
12:23He didn't ask you to give birth to his bespectacled babies, Afia.
12:27What's wrong with going on a date?
12:28I wouldn't know.
12:29Excuse me?
12:30I wouldn't know what a date's like.
12:31So, are you saying that you've never had a date?
12:33Yes, I've never had a date.
12:35You can have them without knowing.
12:36They're in sticky toffee pudding.
12:37I can't be bothered with all that stuff.
12:39Well, you're a idiot, because it's delicious.
12:41Well, she means that she's never been out on a date.
12:44Why would I go on a date?
12:45Careers don't just happen.
12:46Go on a date, Afia.
12:48Am I being picked on?
12:49No, no, you're not.
12:50That's a highly experienced psychological profiler.
12:53I think you're terrified.
12:54I just don't think you can do it.
12:55I can do anything.
12:57Oh, so you're all happy to sit the going on a date module?
13:00Hang on.
13:02Module?
13:02Or do I get a certificate?
13:04Yeah, it's a great big gold one in a frame and a badge, if you pass.
13:08I never fail.
13:10So many modules.
13:12It's relentless.
13:14When's it going to end?
13:15Sergeant Black, with regard to what happened earlier...
13:24I don't find you attractive.
13:25OK, let's just get that straight.
13:26I don't find you attractive.
13:28Unlikely, but carry on.
13:30It's just sometimes a woman has certain feelings.
13:33Look, look, I'm not an idiot.
13:35I know all about mental cycles.
13:37Minstrel?
13:38Yeah, minstrels.
13:39I was referring to a woman's fundamental needs.
13:42What, gossip?
13:49It would be meaningless sex.
13:54Especially as I love another.
13:56So, you're up for a bit of the old dazzle-chazzle?
14:01I wouldn't put it quite like that.
14:02You're saying the channel tunnel's open for a bit of heavy traffic?
14:06On one condition.
14:07I refuse to accept payment.
14:08You have to wear the jacket.
14:11OK, I'm used to kinky sex.
14:13I've had to do it with a paper bag over my head before now.
14:17A woman actually made you do that?
14:18I think they all have, pretty much.
14:20I'll see you later, in the jacket.
14:22I've left it on you, Peg.
14:24And I definitely don't fancy you.
14:25I mean, I definitely don't fancy you.
14:27And I thought it first.
14:32So, do you ever have rides with Jack?
14:34Jack.
14:34Jack, yeah.
14:35Do you?
14:36Erm, like the usual stuff.
14:37Like silly things, I suppose.
14:39Like what?
14:40Well, he wants crisps at every table at the reception.
14:44Seriously?
14:44Is that like a man thing?
14:46What, like emotional involvement with fried potato snacks?
14:48Yes.
14:49I don't want crisps at my wedding.
14:51What, is that it?
14:51Just like Chris pours?
14:52Or does he ask for anything else?
14:54Erm, football napkins, erm, no pink flowers and a boob job.
15:00What's wrong with his boobs?
15:01Mine, not his.
15:03So yours don't, like, fit the bill?
15:05No.
15:06Yeah.
15:06Um, oh, I knew you'd get all weird about that sort of stuff.
15:09I'm just here on behalf of the 21st century.
15:11Well, he's my fiancée.
15:12He gets to say you don't.
15:13No crisps at a wedding.
15:15Signs fucking awful.
15:21Sorry, I don't know why I just did that.
15:23No.
15:24That's exactly how I like them.
15:37Yeah, there it is.
15:38It was Melanie and Sergeant Black in the stationary cupboards.
15:52And you're a superintendent now?
15:55I said, well, congratulations.
15:56No, no, no, that's your jacket, sir.
15:57Sergeant Black was just making sure it hadn't shrunk at the cleaners.
16:00You can take it off now, Sergeant.
16:01So he's testing it in the stationary cupboard?
16:03Yeah.
16:04Well, no.
16:04Um, he put it on and then he saw me go into the cupboard and he wanted to check the shelving,
16:08didn't you, Daz?
16:09Yeah, shelving.
16:10Shelving.
16:10Yeah, it means putting a foreign item into your arsehole.
16:13Not that kind of shelving.
16:14Yeah.
16:14I was just checking the shelves.
16:16Some of them are dangerously loose.
16:17Good for you.
16:18Well done.
16:18Health and safety.
16:19Excellent.
16:20And speaking of which, er, someone seems to have left the oven door open.
16:25You know, don't want the roast pork getting cold.
16:27Oh.
16:27Oh, God.
16:29It's just meaningless sex.
16:30Why are you crying?
16:32Roast pork?
16:33Go in the zip.
16:35Oh, for heaven's sake, it's not childbirth.
16:42Come in, Abia.
16:43Take a seat.
16:45Your date for this module is Deb.
16:47And I, as I've run a number of top Parisian restaurants, I'm going to be your maitre d'.
16:53Giselle over here is going to be your waitress for the evening.
16:56The specials are on the whiteboard.
16:57I'd really recommend the oysters.
16:59And I will be eating macrame at the next door table.
17:03Mm-hmm.
17:03Your date might start by saying something nice.
17:06Um, I like your clothing.
17:08It's the same as yours.
17:10But obviously it wouldn't be on a real date.
17:12It might be.
17:13They could be coming from a fancy dress party where they're both dressed as pirates.
17:15Sure, that's very unlikely.
17:17But why don't you just, um, give me a wee compliment back.
17:22Oh, no, I can't do it.
17:25Just anything at all.
17:27You have nice eyebrows.
17:31That's excellent.
17:32That's a really good start.
17:34Mm, try steering the conversation.
17:37Um, hey, date.
17:41Do you like studying?
17:42No, not really.
17:43We can fuck off.
17:45Afia, how is that going to make him feel?
17:47Like a loser.
17:49Can I take your order?
17:50Thank God.
17:51Can I order a new date?
17:52Um, chisel, I'd actually love some ketchup with this.
17:55Not now, Paul.
17:56Okay, but if it gets cold, I'm going to be...
17:57Afia, we have to be nice to people, even if they irritate you.
18:01Like we're all nice to Danny.
18:02Exactly.
18:04Oh.
18:05Okay, Dev, let's pretend you're Jacine.
18:08Oh, er...
18:09Hello, Afia.
18:14Oh, that's really good.
18:15I like studying.
18:16I like laminating.
18:18I like putting the little coloured tabs on my files.
18:20But most of all...
18:21..I like you.
18:24Ooh.
18:25Well, I like those things, too.
18:30The thing is, ooh, this is so stupid!
18:33Wait, Tris, can we get the bill?
18:38Chisel another bottle, please.
18:47I was told to come and see you.
18:48And can you?
18:49What?
18:50Can you see me?
18:51Oh, yeah, crystal clear.
18:52Fantastic.
18:54Wait, there's something else.
18:55Oh, what's that?
18:56There's a serial killer.
18:58What?
18:59Not in the building.
19:00At large.
19:01Oh.
19:01He's killed five men after he's slept with them.
19:03Cut them up into tiny pieces and ate them.
19:05Jesus!
19:06He keeps the testicles in the freezer.
19:08Says that he's waiting to get a dozen till he can make Italian meatballs.
19:11Shit!
19:12Well, and you think I'm the one to catch him?
19:14No.
19:15I think you look like him.
19:18Spectacle lector.
19:20Testicle collector.
19:20Oh.
19:21My.
19:22God.
19:22So, a couple of things.
19:24Hmm?
19:24Is it you?
19:25No way, what?
19:26Well, you would say that, wouldn't you?
19:28It's not me, it's not me.
19:29In which case, do you think it's wise to copy a signature look?
19:31Oh, it's the glasses, isn't it?
19:33No, they're fine, as long as you don't mind being tasered, shot on sight, or given the cold
19:37shoulder in social situations.
19:38Eh, well, I can't handle the cold shoulder.
19:40Hmm?
19:48What do you mean I failed?
19:50You failed.
19:50Simple.
19:51Missed a fail.
19:52F-A-L-E fail.
19:54What did I do wrong?
19:56Oh, well, there was, erm, everything.
19:58And you lose marks for being a bit sulky, so you would have lost, like, 95% just then.
20:02Naked aggression is a bit of a buzzkill.
20:04Oh, my God, I miss a naked bit.
20:06When was that?
20:06The only way you can get a pass now is to do a practical.
20:10An actual date?
20:12No way.
20:12God.
20:13I just want my certificate.
20:15The examiner said they liked what Afia did when Dev was pretending to be Jesse.
20:19Ugh.
20:20They thought you showed real promise there.
20:22It was only a glimpse.
20:23Yeah.
20:23Something to work with.
20:24Weird.
20:25That's the bit I thought was rubbish.
20:26Spanish.
20:31Buongiorno.
20:32Dov'e?
20:33Il Colosseo.
20:34Buongiorno.
20:35Dov'e?
20:36Il Colosseo.
20:37Ah, Spanish.
20:39La language de l'amour.
20:42What are you doing?
20:43Nothing.
20:43Nothing.
20:45Oh, all right, all right.
20:47I was just thinking that if you got the job and I took the redundancy package, I could move
20:52to this eight-bedroom, two-swimming pool, one vineyard Tuscan converted farmhouse.
20:58You could be sat in the Tuscan hills, drinking your own wine, eating your own big fat olives.
21:05It's Olay.
21:06Mm, yeah.
21:07Sun hitting your skin, all your troubles drifting away.
21:12Oh, but look.
21:13Here comes Franco with news in the vineyard.
21:15So who's Franco?
21:16Your viticulturalist or vineyard manager to you.
21:18Oh, yeah, yeah.
21:19Franco the wine man.
21:20Mr. Bob, come with us and we will sip on wine.
21:25Yes, and then watch the sun set across the man.
21:29Si.
21:29Yes, yes.
21:30Good old Franco.
21:31You're saying I could have all this with the package on offer?
21:35You could.
21:36Yeah.
21:36Yeah.
21:37Oh, fuck's sake.
22:03Oh, yes.
22:10We are already counting down the seconds until tomorrow night because we get to head back
22:15to South Africa at nine o'clock.
22:16The drama continues and we are here for it.
22:19Do not miss out on brand new Love Island All Stars.
22:22So Stewie finally makes a friend his own age next as we jet off to Kohuk for family life.
22:33Oh, no.
22:46Oh, yeah.
22:46Oh, yeah.
22:47Oh, yeah.
22:49Oh, yeah.
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