00:00Hey everyone, I am Dr. Ayana Abrams. I'm a licensed clinical psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I am so excited to partner with Essence and Smart Water for the Live Well Challenge.
00:11If you know me, or if you don't, one of my favorite things to talk about is boundaries for Black women.
00:16And I want to kick off this challenge, giving you ways in which to value yourself more by being clear about what your yes is and what your no is.
00:24Boundaries are especially hard for Black women to practice because historically, when we think about the last few centuries, our bodies have not been our own.
00:32We have literally been taught, right, that what we're here for is to serve other people, to make sure that everyone around us is taken care of.
00:38And then if we're on that list of priorities, we can figure that out later.
00:42In my work with Black women, what I recognize is that we end up saying yes to too much and we're not saying no to enough.
00:48The first and best tip I have about setting boundaries is to listen to yourself.
00:53Self-awareness is key.
00:54If you don't know what your body is telling you, if you're not connected with yourself, then you can't really set the boundaries that you need to take the best care of yourself.
01:01Stop and pause, right, to think about, did I like that feeling?
01:06Did I have a good time when I spent time with that person?
01:09Do I really dread doing this activity?
01:11Do I get annoyed when I see that person's name come up on my caller ID?
01:15Those are your first steps to begin listening to yourself.
01:18And then with that data, you can then learn what to say yes and what to say no to.
01:23The next tip in order to help you set boundaries is to allow this to be a practice.
01:27No one is perfect at boundary setting, but allowing yourself the compassion and the room to get better and better at this is going to really, really improve your practice.
01:36A helpful way to start setting boundaries or to restart your practice of setting boundaries is find some lower stake boundaries to set for yourself.
01:44All right. So sometimes that can look like I'm going to go to bed a little bit earlier this week.
01:49I'm going to set my bedtime and maybe 10 p.m. or 10 30.
01:52Another boundary to practice might be, OK, let me find somebody who's safe in my life and start setting some different boundaries with them and even tell them, hey, I'm trying to do something new here.
02:01Please hold me accountable to this.
02:03When you start with lower stakes, you actually build up the confidence to do it so that now when you get to those higher stake boundary practices, like maybe talking to your boss about something, setting a boundary with somebody in your family.
02:13You already know that you practice this. You've already built up your confidence and it makes it a little bit easier to take that next step for the higher stake.
02:22One of the keys to building a strong sisterhood is to be able to set and create healthy boundaries.
02:28You want your friends to know what you like and what you don't like, right, so they can take care of you, so they can be there.
02:33You also want to be that to the sisters around you. Right. But you won't be able to do that if you don't know what people need.
02:39What are your boundaries when we're out socializing? What are your boundaries around when we talk about things with your family?
02:44What are your boundaries in our relationship that will help you feel taken care of and loved by me?
02:49We want to create these conversations and be really explicit about what we need so that our sisters can take care of us and so that we can take better care of our sisters.
02:57For the whole month of September, I want you to really focus on your yeses and your nos.
03:02Every week, I want you to start saying yes to more of the things that you really want to do,
03:08or the things that maybe you haven't been doing that you want to incorporate in your schedule.
03:12That is yes to your health. That is yes to your joy. That's yes to spending time with people you want to spend time with.
03:18That's yes to sleeping more. And listen to your nos. Are there things that I dread doing?
03:24Are there things that I feel so anxious about right after I've said yes?
03:28Thank you for tuning in. I am Dr. Ayanna Abrams, your wellness coach.
03:32And thank you to Essence and Smart Water for creating this campaign for you all to live well.
03:37See you soon.
03:38See you soon.
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