- 5 weeks ago
Dr. Rachael Ross, Anita Kopacz, and Charli Penn talk about all things sex.
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00:00Hi, everybody. It's Charlie Penn, Relationships and Wellness Director here at Essence Magazine.
00:10I am so excited for our conversation today because we're talking about one of my favorite
00:14things, and that's really about self-care down there. And what I mean by that is we
00:20make time for everything else, seeing friends, work, trying to get through those emails,
00:25but how much time are we making for orgasms, sex, and making sure that we just have a healthy sex
00:30life. And I love talking about it because we can't talk about it too much. It's important and we need
00:36to talk about it. And it's a lot of fun to talk about it. So I have two very special ladies here
00:39with me today to talk all about all things sex and wellness. Please give it up for Pleasure Alchemist
00:45and Spiritual Psychologist, Anita Kopach, and Sexologist, Board Certified Family Medicine
00:51Physician and former co-host of The Doctors, Dr. Rachel Rock. Hey, ladies. Hi. Hello. I'm so excited to be here.
01:00Are y'all ready to talk about sex? Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. It's just,
01:07right, it's so much fun. And I feel like we don't, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know why we
01:11don't talk about it all the time. I know. And especially, I think with this, you know, with us
01:16being locked in and locked down, you know, it's, it kind of makes you feel like, should I be having
01:21sex? Do they have COVID? You know, like, you know, that are interfering with our sex drives
01:28right now. So I'm so excited to be here. Well, let's start with that. Right. I tell people all
01:34the time that I'm just like, always like, please girl, go get your orgasm, go have some sex. So
01:38yes, let's talk about that. It's a stressful time. It's a pandemic, you know, racism in America.
01:44There's a lot going on and black women, we're stressed. So can we talk about the benefits
01:49and the power of orgasms? Who wants to go first? Yes, we can. I can't. Do you mind if I go first?
01:56Please do. Go ahead. I'll make it quick. I'll make it a quickie. Okay.
02:02What I've realized during this time is that so many of us are in fight or flight. And, and when
02:09you're in that mode, it's so hard to move into pleasure. And so really the first step is how,
02:18how are we going to move ourselves into a place where our nervous system can calm down?
02:23And at the same time, when we think of the benefits of masturbation, one of those is releasing stress.
02:31Yes. So that was my little quickie note right there for that.
02:35Yes. Absolutely. And Dr. Rachel, what about you? What are the physical, like, what do we feel when
02:40we have these orgasms and why are they important for our wellness?
02:43Sure. So, you know, when we're talking about sex, I think one thing we have to keep in mind
02:48is that one of the best parts about sex is the anticipation of it. That's the piece where the
02:54dopamine level surge up and you're looking forward to it and you're passionate about it and you're
02:59feeling it. I don't want us to be so caught up on the orgasm piece that we're just like,
03:06let me just get one. Let me just get one real quick. Right. Because with, with, with vibrations
03:11and things like that, it's very easy to just get there. So what I want us to do a little bit more
03:15of is just savoring the process, right? The flirting that comes before it or the prep that comes before
03:21it if you're by yourself and all of those things actually lead to a nice dopamine surge. And when
03:28we talk about dopamine, it's passion. It's looking forward to its anticipation. So, you know, we don't
03:34want to dull it down to the point where it's something that we're doing every day, all day with
03:38a buzzing object, even if it hits your buzzing object, spread it out, make like nice routines
03:43around it, make it fun, look forward to it because that's where the passion is.
03:48Now see y'all, Dr. Rachel says, slow it on down and get passionate.
03:53Now, Anita, one of the things I love about you is you have such a sex positive, you know,
03:58like everything about you is sex positive and good vibes and feel it. What about the women who
04:02are kind of shy and they can't talk about it? Nevermind put it on their calendar. How can people
04:07have a better relationship with sex and their V and orgasm, masturbating and all of that? What are the
04:14first steps? Yes, absolutely. Thank you for bringing this up because I work with a lot of women
04:18who have that type of energy. And for some people, which I do work with, they've had some sort of
04:25sexual trauma or there's been sexual trauma in their life and their family line. And what I do is
04:33really, it's about to, it's about resensitizing your body. And you can do these things called feather
04:40light touches that, and, and just stand in front of your mirror naked. And if you can't, like,
04:47I feel like that should be something that even if it's really uncomfortable, stand in front of your
04:53mirror naked and then just do feather light touches, which is just slowly touching yourself.
05:00I feel like I'm going to practice. Yeah. Some people, they, they feel numb. They can't
05:06necessarily feel it. So you just keep doing it, you know, soft and slow and allow your body to feel
05:15that. And eventually, you know, you can bring yourself, there's so many breathing exercises that
05:21you can do. And, you know, I know we don't have enough time to share everything here, but there's
05:27a lot of exercises that you can do to bring yourself into the energy. I mean, I'm already
05:33hot from what the doctor was saying. I'm like, pass in, slow it down. And that's how we all should
05:40feel, right? We should feel excited about this. And, and speaking of that, Dr. Rachel, can you talk a
05:45little bit about like masturbation 101? Because I think for some reason, it's still really scary
05:50for a lot of women. I get it, you know, like, it's not something, like you said, we don't want to
05:54talk about it. But also it's like, you know, I'll give vibrators all the time to like colleagues
05:58and friends. And I'm like, did you use it? And I go to their house and it's like still in the
06:02package, right? Can you talk a little bit about that, taking that first step if maybe it's not
06:07something that you tried? Sure. I love that you said that because that's what happens. We go to a
06:12party where there's vibrators. We may buy one, but we put it in a panty drawer and it stays there,
06:16right? So I think the first part about the masturbating is kind of giving yourself permission to even do
06:23yourself. I think so many of us grew up in environments. We're touching ourselves. We
06:27never, you know, we weren't supposed to do that. If we got caught doing it, we were traumatized about
06:32it. So giving yourself permission to touch down there and understanding that it's a healthy process,
06:37particularly for women. We know that if you're married, for example, and you happen to masturbate,
06:43then you actually have a more active sex life. And it makes sense, right? Because you're priming the
06:48pump, as I call it. It's like you've got friction on there regularly. So then when you're sitting,
06:52you feel it, you're like, oh, sex, yes. Whereas if you let the area go to sleep,
06:58then you're not as primed or even thinking about sex. So the first thing is to give yourself
07:03permission and know that there are a lot of benefits health-wise and relationship-wise to
07:09masturbation. And then the next piece is going to be just spread your legs open and find your
07:13pleasure areas, right? I think we're scared to touch ourselves. You know, it's kind of, we think it
07:18smells, we think it's nasty. Smell it, you know, touch it. Smell it. It smells wonderful.
07:22Get to know her.
07:23It is.
07:24It definitely is.
07:26Whatever you need to do.
07:28Yes. Yes. And then the next piece is getting your brain ready for it. So is that an erotic novel?
07:35Is it porn? You know, is it whatever it is that turns you on getting into that space so that you
07:42can start to feel it throb? And I tell people all the time, particularly if you're skewing a little
07:46older or you're on birth control pills and you don't feel a lot of sensation down there,
07:51sometimes the moment you turn that vibrator on or you start, you're like, I don't feel anything.
07:56And it may take up to 45 minutes. So just take the time, relax, get comfortable, make sure that
08:02you're in an area that you're not going to feel interrupted in and just think it, do it, touch it
08:08and go for it. Turn it on. Start low and slow though.
08:12And stick with it. I love that you do that.
08:14Something like that. Thank you, do it, touch it, feel it.
08:17Really?
08:17Wait, yes. It's like in my head. Oh my God. Now we're going to all, it's going to be in the back
08:24of our mind. But also, I'm glad you talk about like, you know, getting back to it and, you know,
08:29thinking about your partner and, you know, sex as a couple, Anita, you and your partner. I just love
08:35seeing you guys. I love seeing the love and the energy and that y'all are just a sexy couple.
08:40Okay. And Dr. Rachel, you and your husband too. Like, you know, it's just like you guys
08:44give that. So can we talk about like for couples, their best, your best advice on how they can
08:50like truly spice it up. Right. Like get back to talking about like, babe, what you doing
08:54tonight? You know, that kind of vibe.
08:56Exactly. I'm so glad you asked this because we haven't always been like that. We've gone through
09:02so many different stages and there's been different things that, so I've had, I've had three kids in a
09:10row. I contracted herpes. There's so many things that happened that could make, made me feel like
09:16sex is like, sex is bad, right? Like it brings things that are painful. And, and so we went through
09:23our own journey to bring ourselves back because then he felt like when I didn't want to have sex,
09:30he felt like it meant I didn't love him. And so there were these two different stories going on.
09:36And so he was extremely supportive in my journey and, and literally coming from not wanting to have sex
09:46at all to where I am now. I feel like if I can do that and I love, I love it now. It's like a
09:53playground. It's so different. I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is what people are talking about. Right.
09:59And so, so I feel like it's that support, the communication and, um, also not just being friends
10:10because it's that polarity that brings the fire. Right. And so once you start turning into
10:17roommates and we've been together, um, almost 16 years. And so it's, we've, yeah, we've had
10:24different phases. And I, I was saying earlier that it was actually with him that I first squirted
10:30and I was like, Oh no, I thought I peed the bed. And he was like, uh, you did not pee. And so he
10:39went on and showed me what that was. So, and that actually helped me too, because I had never watched
10:44a lot of porn. So I didn't know what, what squirting was. And I was, and I was in my late thirties at this
10:49time. And, and so that actually has been something fun to do. Watch some porn with him and explore
10:56together. Exactly. So the communication, I'm really am getting hot and sweaty. If you can't
11:02tell, we're feeling it. I'm going to have some good sex. Good for you. And I hope everyone watching
11:12this does, you know, ladies, gentlemen, please get out there. It's good for you. And Dr. Rich,
11:19I want to ask you as well. What are some bedroom tips? You know, what do you recommend?
11:23I love what you just said, Anita. And, and I think with bedroom and passion, it has to be
11:31breaking the norms, you know, because like, so say you've been together with someone and they're
11:36always initiating and you're always the receiver of it. You can spice things up as simply as turning
11:43the roles, doing a role reversal and you turn up to, you're the one who initiates sex. You make them
11:48feel like the sex God. So spicing things up. Isn't so much about what can we bring in? What
11:54can we, this and this and that, what can we buy? It really is about breaking the sexual norms and
12:00trying new things. Routines are great for getting kids to school on time and all that, but routines
12:06suck the life and suck the sex right out of relationships. Do things like that, where you're
12:14actually infusing newness and trying new things just in terms of even the slightest thing that
12:20keeps your person stimulated, looking forward to it. Remember, passion is about looking forward to it.
12:26And I'm so glad we said that about don't become roommates because there's no passion in roommates.
12:31None. And speaking of passion, ladies, like we all know that like speaking our fantasies aloud
12:37is really hot. Like telling your partner what you've always wanted to do,
12:42what you want to do to them with them is huge for sex, but also sometimes like impossible to bring
12:48up. Cause you're kind of like, where do I start without some people feel like it's, do I, is it
12:52cheesy? You know, is it corny or is it just uncomfortable? Because, you know, we usually just
12:57turn off the lights and do the same position, whatever that is. Fantasy is important. It's an important
13:01part of sex. So Dr. Nia, you go first. And then Dr. Rachel, you go, let's talk about how to work
13:06our fantasies into our sex life. Absolutely. I actually did this exercise at the Essence Wellness
13:12House in Atlanta. And a part of it is just realizing that fantasies are so normal. We all have them.
13:21And so what I had everyone do, you can start this with your girlfriends. If you don't necessarily want
13:26to go straight into your partners is I just had everyone write out their wildest fantasy,
13:32did not write their names, folded it up. And, and we just read them randomly. Right. And so then you
13:41get to hear what everyone else's fantasies are and like, Oh my gosh, I have that same one in here.
13:48Come join me in my bed.
13:49No, you realize how normal it really is.
13:54Totally. Totally. And then you want to, you know, you know, set it, uh, take it one step further
13:59to have the, the conversation as a couple where you say, okay, let's start exploring some of our
14:05fantasies. So I'm just going to text you something or message you something. And even if it sounds way
14:11off and way out there, just roll with it. And let's make a pact to stay in that role for 24 hours.
14:17If you can do a role play and tease it and play it out for 24 hours, that's power. That's sex. Talk
14:24about anticipation. Talk about a magical orgasm at the end of it. So getting creative, using technology
14:31a little bit to kind of infuse the fun, but let everybody know in advance, because there's,
14:36there's nothing worse than getting a text message that says, Oh, you're such a, and you're like,
14:41not realizing, not realizing that that was part of the fantasy. Right. So putting rules out there
14:49using technology and making it as an ongoing thing is huge. Beautiful.
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