00:00Okay kids, today we'll be talking about Satan, Richard Simmons himself.
00:06That's right, I believe Richard Simmons to be Satan, and I'll tell you why.
00:11You know, Richard Simmons, he goes around wearing like these tight-ass tank tops and shorts that are fucking like this long.
00:22I mean, I mean that's... I could maybe deal with the tank top, but the tank top, you know,
00:30at least it covers most of, like, his area up here.
00:34But, you know, you could see like 99.9% of Richard's legs with those shorts,
00:40and if he like moves his leg in the wrong direction, then, you know, you'll end up seeing something we don't want to see.
00:50So, here's one reason why I hate him.
00:53Another reason why I hate Richard Simmons, sweating to the oldies.
00:58Sweating to the oldies cannot stand sweating to the oldies.
01:02Apparently it's exercise, but, you know, you watch any of his sweating to the oldies tapes,
01:07they're just dancing to 50s music and clapping their hands.
01:10That's it.
01:11Yet, Richard Simmons feels the need to release a new friggin' sweating to the oldies tape every five minutes.
01:18It's... I mean, it's ridiculous.
01:21You know, I bet...
01:22I bet no one's really lost any weight to Richard Simmons.
01:25You know, I think it's all just a scam,
01:28because...
01:29I think, actually, most people have ended up gaining weight because of Richard Simmons.
01:35I could think of multiple times when Richard Simmons tried to help out someone who weighed, like, 900 pounds.
01:42And they ended up dying anyway.
01:44I mean, they lost some of the weight, but they still died, so it was pointless.
01:47So, it's like choosing between weighing 1,000 pounds, lonely, depressed, can't move, on the path to die,
02:01or, you know, weighing 1,000 pounds, maybe lose a few hundred, depressed, lonely, about ready to die,
02:11with Richard Simmons at your side.
02:12I mean, what a couple of shitty choices, you know?
02:18I mean, you're gonna die either way,
02:21except one form of death's worse,
02:24because Richard Simmons is, like, right there, holding your hand and crying.
02:28It's nothing I don't write like about Richard Simmons, you know?
02:32Why doesn't he just come out of the closet?
02:34I mean, everyone else...
02:35...has pretty much known since, like, the 80s.
02:41I mean, what kind of man wears what he wears,
02:44you know, likes Broadway, likes Barbra Streisand,
02:48is obsessed with weight loss, oils his legs.
02:51It's, it's like, if it, it's, it's ridiculous, you know?
02:57You know, Richard Simmons,
02:59he's obsessed with people squeezing their buns,
03:02but, like, I bet he wouldn't be squeezing his buns
03:04if, like, George Clooney were around or something.
03:07Richard Simmons, you know, he, he likes to play, like, this effeminate nice guy,
03:13but, you know, he's a real asshole in real life, you know?
03:17Richard Simmons, like, a few years ago,
03:20he went up to some guy at an airport,
03:21slapped him right across the face.
03:24You know, if Richard Simmons ever tried to try that shit on me,
03:26I'd be like, bam, you know?
03:28You know, Richard Simmons, I, I found a, a, a clip
03:31of, uh, Richard Simmons from his old show,
03:34where he goes up to some old lady and grabs her by the collar,
03:37and, like, he goes,
03:38just smile for the goddamn camera, you know?
03:42I bet that old lady could have kicked Richard Simmons' ass.
03:45You know, I would've, you know?
03:49You know, Richard Simmons,
03:53he goes up to people, and he, like, gives them big hugs,
03:56even though he doesn't even know them,
03:58but, like, it's probably all nasty, too,
04:01because he's probably all sweaty
04:03from all that exercising he does,
04:05and, you know, he's kind of hairy, so,
04:08you got all his body hair rubbing all over you,
04:10so it's kind of sick.
04:12So, if Richard Simmons ever tries to hug me,
04:15you know, I'm gonna grab him by his throat
04:16and just throw him on the floor.
04:19You know, sometimes I just like to stand there
04:22and think about ways I kick Richard Simmons' ass.
04:25You know, like, I'd hold him by the legs,
04:28he'd be upside down,
04:29and I'd, you know,
04:30like, stomp on his groin really hard with cleats.
04:34With cleats, you gotta have cleats.
04:38Or, you know, like, taking, um,
04:41what do you call them?
04:44You know, like, those egg,
04:45those electronic egg beater things?
04:48You know, put one of those in his hair
04:49and just yank it?
04:50I'd like to use one of those on Richard Simmons.
04:54But, uh,
04:56another thing about Richard Simmons
04:57is his stupid afro.
04:59It's obviously hair plugs, okay?
05:03So, you know,
05:04stop lying to us, Richard.
05:07So, uh, yeah,
05:08that's pretty much all I gotta say
05:09about Richard Simmons.
05:11Other than, I hate him,
05:12and I hope he goes to hell.
05:14So, uh,
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