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Have I Got News For You Us - Season 4 Episode 1 - Andy Richter, Janice Min
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00:00Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:22I am Roy Wood Jr.
00:23In the news this week,
00:26America's drunkest aunt makes wedding toast.
00:30All of you young people out there,
00:31keep having babies.
00:33All right, that's my message tonight.
00:35Terminator, sent back in time,
00:37fails to complete mission.
00:38I was the product of an unplanned teen pregnancy.
00:42U.S. Olympic ice dancing team takes shape.
00:45You're invited!
00:46Podcast me, please!
00:51On Amber's team tonight,
00:52you know it from Conan.
00:54It's podcast Three Questions with Andy Richter
00:56and Dancing with the Stars tonight.
00:57He's gonna do some verbal dancing
00:59with these stars.
01:00Welcome back to the show, Andy Richter.
01:04Hello!
01:06And joining Team Michael,
01:08she's an Emmy Award winner
01:10who's worked everywhere
01:11from The Hollywood Reporter to InStyle.
01:13Currently, she's the CEO and Editor-in-Chief
01:15of Ankler Media,
01:16but apparently she still won't introduce me
01:19to Holly Berry.
01:20It's Janis Smith!
01:21Thank you!
01:21Let's do it in 2026.
01:27Now, for the biggest stories of the week
01:29for the first time this year,
01:30Amber, Andy, watch the clips.
01:32Okay.
01:32Tell me, what is the story?
01:35Okay, so Trump tries to clap on beat.
01:37He can't.
01:38Words too small for him to read.
01:40That's right.
01:41And, oh, man, the price of groceries.
01:43Oh, groceries.
01:43Oh, have they gone down?
01:45Oh, okay, yeah.
01:47It's a year of this Trump term,
01:50and we're in the shitter.
01:53You know, the shitter is a relative assessment,
01:56but I'll give you points.
01:58Yay!
01:58Yes, the story is the first year of Trump's second term
02:02is behind us one down,
02:04only 39 more years to go.
02:08And this week, the president reminded us all
02:10that he literally wrote the book on accomplishment.
02:14These are all...
02:15Each line is something that we did.
02:17Nobody did that before.
02:19And it's big stuff, too.
02:21Look, we have the hottest country in the world.
02:23I would certainly agree
02:28that nobody has done what he has done.
02:31I would agree with that.
02:33I would agree with that.
02:34He said he's accomplished some things in the first year.
02:36He's compiled them all into a book.
02:38Let's hear some of the accomplishments.
02:41And this is something...
02:42Ooh, I'm glad my finger wasn't in that sucker.
02:45They could have done some damage,
02:46but you know what?
02:47I wouldn't have shown the pain.
02:49I would have gone back.
02:50Wait, did you hear that?
02:52That was this.
02:54But I would not have shown the pain.
02:56I would have acted like nothing happened
02:58as my finger fell off.
03:00Are we sure his finger isn't falling off?
03:03That was obviously his first encounter
03:05with office supplies.
03:08I mean, people say that there aren't accomplishments,
03:10but if you want to see accomplishments
03:12under this term,
03:14just look at what the president has done
03:15with Washington, D.C.
03:17D.C. is now...
03:18You can walk right from here to a restaurant,
03:21right through the center of town.
03:22You can be with your child,
03:24with your loved one,
03:25with your lover.
03:28Your lover's not going to be killed anymore,
03:30so you can act like a real lover.
03:32Was he saying
03:33you could walk to a restaurant
03:35with your child,
03:37it's not all binders full of accomplishments.
03:45According to a fact check by the New York Times,
03:48quote,
03:48falsehoods fueled Trump's first year back in office.
03:53What?
03:56Trump made a lot of promises
03:58to win the 2024 election,
04:00so we're going to do a little fact-checking
04:02to see what promises he kept
04:04and which promises he broke
04:06and whether or not it matters.
04:08First one,
04:09Trump was in Switzerland this week
04:11for the World Economic Forum,
04:13so let's start with the U.S. economy.
04:16Here's Trump on the campaign trail back in 2024.
04:19Starting on day one,
04:21we will end inflation
04:22and make America affordable again.
04:25It's not affordable now.
04:26People are dying.
04:28They can't afford bacon.
04:29They can't afford anything.
04:30That was terrible
04:31when people were dying
04:32from bacon starvation.
04:34That was terrible.
04:36Where are we now with inflation?
04:39Is America affordable again, Amber?
04:41Well, if affordable
04:43means hard to purchase,
04:46then yes, he really has.
04:49I mean, look who he surrounds himself with, right?
04:52Billionaires, the wealthiest people.
04:53Janice, I have to interrupt
04:54because you're talking about affordability
04:56and I keep staring at these gorgeous diamond earrings.
05:00Michael!
05:01What?
05:02I said they're gorgeous.
05:03They're embarrassing, man!
05:04In front of my new friend!
05:06They're gorgeous.
05:07That's what I said.
05:08I like they're gorgeous.
05:09Trump had that to say in 2024 about the economy.
05:12Let's see where we are right now.
05:13President Trump has still not made good
05:15on his day one promise
05:17to lower grocery prices.
05:18Despite his claims
05:19that they're going down,
05:21grocery prices actually rose.
05:232.4% for Americans over the last year.
05:26My judge of the economy
05:27is how many of my comedian friends
05:30on Instagram
05:30are now trying to sell themselves
05:32doing cameos.
05:35We are in the toilet.
05:38Andy, ask Michael if he's on cameo.
05:41Oh, oh.
05:43Now, let's be fair.
05:45The administration is still very hard at work
05:48on the economy,
05:49especially grocery prices.
05:51In fact, Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins
05:53went viral this month
05:54with some grocery price calculations of her own.
05:58Question?
05:59What daily meal
06:01does Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins
06:05say only costs $3?
06:07Two Costco hot dogs.
06:10Healthy meal.
06:11Oh, one Costco hot dog.
06:15It was, she described it as
06:17a piece of chicken,
06:19a corn tortilla,
06:21a piece of broccoli,
06:23and something else.
06:27Let's hear it from Brooke.
06:29It can cost around $3 a meal
06:32for a piece of chicken,
06:33a piece of broccoli,
06:35um, you know,
06:35corn tortilla,
06:37and one other thing.
06:39What the fuck does this bitch eat?
06:42We said before the show
06:43we weren't gonna curse,
06:44and we...
06:45Oh, fuck!
06:47Let's start over.
06:48Let's start over.
06:49Okay, now we're not gonna cuss.
06:50And also,
06:51how do you go to the grocery store
06:52like, one floret?
06:54Right.
06:56Now, the economy
06:57has always been one issue
06:58with the president
06:58in the first year.
06:59The other issue,
07:00some would say the biggest issue,
07:02is immigration.
07:03Now, ICE has their sights
07:05set on the state of Maine.
07:07Christy Noem's DHS,
07:09they love to give
07:09little cutesy operation names
07:11to what ICE is doing.
07:12In North Carolina,
07:13it was called
07:14Operation Charlotte's Web,
07:16and in Florida,
07:17it was called
07:17Operation Tidal Wave.
07:19Mm-hmm.
07:19What is the new operation name
07:21for the immigration movement
07:23that's gonna be happening
07:24in the state of Maine?
07:25Operation what, Epstein Files?
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28APPLAUSE
07:29It's called
07:32Operation Catch of the Day.
07:35Wow.
07:35Oh, my God.
07:36Damn.
07:37Ah, yes,
07:38because when you get
07:38a bunch of ICE agents together,
07:39it is known as a shrimp fest.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42LAUGHTER
07:43So, Trump has kept
07:46some of his promises
07:47and broken others,
07:48and there's a binder
07:49full of accomplishments,
07:50but it's on the floor.
07:51Uh...
07:52Question.
07:54How has everything
07:55that Trump has either done
07:57or not done
07:57affected his popularity
07:59in his first year?
08:01Poorly, right?
08:0235% approval rating?
08:04Uh, here's, uh,
08:05CNN's Harry Enten,
08:06uh, breaking down
08:07how America feels
08:08about Trump right now.
08:10The only person
08:11who is even lower
08:13than Donald Trump
08:14when it comes to
08:14his net approval rating
08:15at this point
08:16into term number two
08:17is Richard Nixon.
08:18And according to
08:19those Epstein files,
08:20that's not the first time
08:21Trump's been under Bubba.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:23Is it possible
08:32for the president
08:33to turn this around
08:34in his third term?
08:36LAUGHTER
08:37I mean, you know,
08:40like, I think the thing
08:41that confounds me
08:42is, like, he's a lame-duck
08:44president, right?
08:45And you still have
08:46all the Republicans
08:48around him
08:49just terrified.
08:50I think it's terrifying
08:51to them to think
08:52that they're gonna, um,
08:54like, incur his wrath.
08:55And I mean, there are
08:56things that have happened
08:57in our culture now
08:58where people are getting,
08:59like, judges are getting
09:00shot at their homes, right?
09:01Like, that, um, he will,
09:03like, run Marjorie Taylor
09:04Greene out of office.
09:05Like, it is...
09:06All right, so he's done
09:07some good things.
09:08LAUGHTER
09:08His plan is to do
09:10whatever the toot he wants
09:12for four years,
09:14and then, right before
09:17the next election,
09:18he's going to offer
09:20everyone, oh, $1,700
09:22like before.
09:23And then people
09:24are gonna be like,
09:24well, $1,700.
09:27Michael and Janice,
09:28watch the clip.
09:28Tell me, what is the story?
09:30Oh, there's that same guy.
09:32Yeah.
09:33I don't know what flag...
09:34Oh, is that Greenland's flag?
09:35Or Denmark's?
09:36I'm gonna say
09:37this is about Greenland.
09:40Final answer.
09:41Point.
09:41Oh, yes.
09:42Wow.
09:43Yes.
09:44Trump says we need Greenland,
09:46quote, for the purpose
09:48of national security.
09:49Sure.
09:50He's been obsessed
09:50with Greenland since 2019,
09:52telling the Times journalist,
09:53quote, you take a look
09:54at a map, I love maps.
09:56And I always said,
09:58look at the size of this.
09:59It's massive.
10:01That should be a part
10:02of the United States.
10:03Why does Trump think
10:05Greenland is so huge?
10:08When he holds his hand
10:09up to the map,
10:10he's like, wow.
10:12Part of why Donald Trump
10:13thinks that Greenland
10:14is so damn big
10:15is because of something
10:16called the Mercator Projection.
10:17And it's a map-making distortion
10:18that makes Greenland
10:19look bigger than even Africa.
10:22Oh, my God.
10:22Even though in reality,
10:24Africa is 14 times larger
10:26than Greenland.
10:28What made Trump so angry
10:29that Greenland
10:30became a priority for him?
10:32He wrote this fascinating message
10:34to the prime minister
10:36of Denmark, or Norway,
10:38saying, hey,
10:39you didn't give me
10:39the Nobel Peace Prize,
10:41so I guess I gotta take Greenland.
10:43Yeah.
10:43Here's what he texted
10:44the prime minister
10:45of Norway last weekend.
10:47Dear Jonas,
10:48considering your country
10:49decided not to give me
10:50the Nobel Peace Prize
10:51for having stopped
10:52eight wars plus,
10:53I no longer feel
10:54an obligation
10:55to think purely of peace.
10:57What is the problem
10:58with Trump's argument
10:59in that regard?
11:00He...
11:01that he's the opposite
11:03of peace?
11:04The government
11:04of Norway
11:05does not give out
11:07the Nobel Peace Prize,
11:08as Norwegian prime minister
11:11Jona Garstor said
11:12in a statement,
11:13quote,
11:14I have clearly explained...
11:16That's my...
11:16That's my Norwegian accent.
11:19I like that.
11:19I have clearly explained,
11:20including to President Trump,
11:22what is well known.
11:24The prize is awarded
11:25by an independent
11:26Nobel committee
11:27and not the Norwegian
11:28government.
11:30Stop fucking calling me, man.
11:33How do Greenlanders feel
11:38about maybe becoming
11:40the 51st state?
11:42Well, all 12 of them
11:44got together and said,
11:45uh-uh, no way.
11:47Here's a Greenlander
11:48explaining why Trump's plan
11:50is dumb as hell.
11:51Watch.
11:51We wouldn't give up
11:53free health care.
11:54We wouldn't give up
11:55free education.
11:56We don't really value
11:58cash and Kardashian lips
12:01and fake boobs
12:02and stuff like that
12:03very highly.
12:04Well, that's going too far.
12:06Why does she have
12:07to drag us like that?
12:08Yeah.
12:10You know why
12:11they don't value
12:12vapid plastic surgeries
12:14up there?
12:14It's because
12:15they're everybody in a coat.
12:16You can't see that ass.
12:19But it all came to a head
12:21earlier this week
12:22at a World Economic Forum
12:23in Davos
12:24where Trump laid out
12:25his master plan
12:27for territorial expansion.
12:28Take a look.
12:29Everyone talks about
12:30the minerals.
12:31There's so many...
12:32There's no rare earth.
12:34No such thing
12:35as rare earth.
12:36But there's so much
12:36rare earth.
12:38And this is to get
12:39to this rare earth.
12:40You settled other wars
12:41that were...
12:42Vladimir Putin
12:43called me.
12:44Armenian.
12:46Aber...
12:47Bajan.
12:48Do I have
12:49dementia
12:50or does he?
12:52You don't know
12:53about rare earth?
12:55Rare earth?
12:56We never heard of rare earth.
12:58Rare earth?
12:58Rare earth.
12:59Rare earth.
12:59It's so important
13:01these days.
13:02You gotta get that...
13:03Question.
13:05Does anyone know
13:06what happened
13:07after Trump's speech
13:09on Wednesday
13:09that may have proven
13:11his strategy
13:12about Greenland
13:12right or wrong?
13:14Honestly,
13:14I have no idea.
13:15They started to negotiate,
13:18right?
13:19And Denmark
13:20kind of gave
13:21some concessions
13:22like you can come
13:23over here
13:23and we invite you
13:25to build some military
13:26bases that already exist
13:27plus some
13:28and then
13:29what else
13:30am I missing?
13:31Nothing.
13:31Well, that's it.
13:32That's it.
13:32That's it.
13:33I mean...
13:34Here's CBS
13:35with the details.
13:36Based upon a very
13:37productive meeting
13:38that I have had
13:38with the Secretary General
13:39of NATO,
13:40Mark Ruta,
13:41we have formed
13:41the framework
13:42of a future deal
13:43with respect to Greenland
13:45and, in fact,
13:46the entire Arctic region.
13:47This solution,
13:48if consummated,
13:49will be a great one
13:50for the United States
13:51of America
13:52and all NATO nations.
13:54Why would you say
13:55consummate?
13:55Why can't you just
13:56say we did it?
13:57Mm-hmm.
13:57Is Greenland
14:01the 51st state
14:02officially now?
14:03Well, I mean,
14:03the stock market collapsed
14:04when he got aggressive
14:05about Greenland
14:06and then,
14:07because Trump always
14:08has to present
14:08everything as a win,
14:10then the next day
14:11he can say
14:11there's a deal,
14:12you know?
14:12Here's NATO Secretary
14:14General Mark Ruta
14:15on Fox
14:16with the answer.
14:18Greenland still...
14:20Is it still under
14:21the Kingdom of Denmark
14:23in this framework deal?
14:24That issue
14:27did not come up
14:28anymore in my
14:29conversations tonight,
14:30Mr. Pleasant.
14:30What's going on
14:31with the details?
14:32The details didn't come up.
14:33He also said
14:34in that, too,
14:35he said,
14:35which he said this before,
14:36we have the framework
14:37of a deal.
14:38Oh, he said
14:38we have the framework
14:39for a future deal.
14:40Yeah, the framework.
14:41Framework just means
14:42an empty adult diaper
14:45of nothingness.
14:47But when talking
14:47about Trump,
14:48the adult diaper
14:49is rarely empty, Andy.
14:52Oh, my God.
14:53Details of the deal
14:55are scarce,
14:56but the reviews
14:56of Trump's time
14:58in Davos
14:59are pouring in.
15:01How do you think
15:01our friends
15:02at Fox News
15:03felt about
15:05Trump's appearance?
15:06They think he
15:06consummated that appearance.
15:11Here's Greg Gutfeld
15:12on the issue.
15:13Love him or hate him,
15:14when he leaves that room,
15:16everybody there
15:17felt like
15:18America first
15:19threw up
15:20all over them.
15:21I don't disagree
15:22with that analysis
15:23at all.
15:25And that's somebody
15:26who likes Trump.
15:28What did Trump
15:28launch this week
15:30to replace
15:31our international
15:33alliances?
15:34It's some fun name,
15:36like the peace police,
15:37the peace group.
15:38Peace posse,
15:39peace posse,
15:39final answer.
15:41On Thursday,
15:42Donald Trump launched
15:43the Board of Peace.
15:45Yes,
15:47Trump led
15:48a signing ceremony
15:49for the Board of Peace
15:50saying it would
15:51work on peace
15:52in the Middle East
15:53and hinting
15:54at wider ambitions.
15:55B-O-A-R-D
15:56or B-O-R-E-D?
15:59Oh, that's good.
16:01Are you
16:02Board of Peace?
16:04Hit him
16:05with a missile.
16:07So far,
16:08the countries
16:08that have accepted
16:09the invitation
16:10to join
16:11the Board of Peace
16:12include Bahrain,
16:15Azerbaijan,
16:16Bulgaria,
16:16Hungary,
16:17Kazakhstan,
16:18Kosovo,
16:18Mongolia,
16:19Saudi Arabia,
16:20and Uzbekistan.
16:22Wow.
16:22Some good names
16:23on that.
16:23Sure, sure.
16:24Peaceful name.
16:24We got Bahrain,
16:25we got Kosovo.
16:27Is it Azerbaijan?
16:28Yeah, yeah.
16:29Azerbaijan.
16:30Let's see
16:31how Trump
16:32pronounce it.
16:32Ab-er-bay-john.
16:34Any foreign word
16:35out of his mouth
16:35sounds like
16:36a stripper name.
16:37Oh, my God.
16:39Please welcome
16:40to the stage
16:41Azerbaijan.
16:41Ab-er-bay-john.
16:45She stands
16:46in November rain
16:47by Guns N' Roses.
16:49It's Azerbaijan.
16:51Now,
16:52we know who's in,
16:53but which countries
16:54have denied
16:55to join
16:57the Board of Peace?
16:58Declined
16:58every other country.
17:00Several countries
17:01have declined
17:02Trump's invitation
17:03to the Board of Peace,
17:03including France,
17:05which resulted
17:06in Trump saying
17:07he would put
17:07a 200% tariff
17:09on wine
17:10and champagne.
17:12Yeah,
17:12you don't want
17:13to join
17:13my super friends,
17:14bitch.
17:15I'm going to tax
17:15all of that
17:16Ziffindale.
17:17Oh, my God.
17:18That was Ziffindale.
17:20Zinfindale?
17:20Zinfindale.
17:23Now,
17:24coming to the stage,
17:25Zinfindale.
17:28It is time
17:38for the
17:38Offend-o-meter.
17:39Teams have to tell us
17:40who's the offender,
17:41what they did,
17:42and who they offended.
17:43Let's see your offender,
17:44teams.
17:46Oh,
17:46that's Eric Swalwell.
17:47It is.
17:48And who did
17:49Eric Swalwell
17:50offend?
17:51Eric Spitwell?
17:52Put your hand up.
17:59Put your...
18:00I'm going to go
18:03with Eric Spitwell.
18:06Swalwell offended
18:07Congressional Republicans.
18:10Oh, my God.
18:10Now,
18:11how did he offend?
18:12Oh,
18:13this one I know.
18:14He called them
18:15all liars
18:15and phonies
18:17because...
18:17But that's true.
18:18They make fun
18:18of Trump
18:19behind his back.
18:20Oh.
18:20But yet,
18:21they insulted
18:22all the January 6th
18:24police that were there.
18:26Yeah.
18:26Points.
18:28Yeah.
18:30Spitwell is pretty good,
18:32though.
18:33Congressman Swalwell
18:35offended Republicans
18:41in Congress
18:41by calling them out
18:42in a congressional hearing.
18:44To their face,
18:44on Thursday,
18:45former Special Counsel
18:46Jack Smith testified
18:47before the House
18:48Judiciary Committee
18:49about his investigations
18:51into Trump.
18:52And during those hearings,
18:54Congressman Swalwell
18:55let his real feelings fly.
18:57My Republican colleagues
18:58are a joke.
19:00They're wrong.
19:01History will harshly judge them.
19:03These guys are so lucky
19:04they're not under oath
19:05because they would have
19:06to tell you
19:07what they really think
19:08of Trump.
19:10They call him crooked.
19:12They call him cruel.
19:13They call him a scumbag.
19:15I've heard you all say it,
19:16but when the lights go on
19:17and the cameras are on,
19:18you're tiny.
19:19You're small.
19:20You shrink.
19:23Just saying,
19:25this is a man
19:26trying to get elected
19:27to be governor
19:28of California now, right?
19:30So, like,
19:31has he been saying
19:31this all along
19:32or only in the campaign year?
19:34So what?
19:35I know.
19:36Let him say stuff like that
19:37that then gets put out there
19:39and then other people
19:40get brave enough
19:41to say shit like that.
19:42Points for that
19:42because no one's saying it.
19:43Yes, yes.
19:44Okay.
19:44Fair.
19:45But if he's ultimately
19:47trying to run on something
19:48that he just recently
19:49started platforming,
19:51does he seem sincere to you?
19:53Ain't none of them
19:54motherfuckers sincere?
19:55It's not up to this guy.
19:57Let him say the good thing
19:59we need this country
20:00to be doing.
20:01Let him have it.
20:02Let us at least hear it.
20:03Let it fall on my ears
20:05and bring me
20:05an ounce of joy.
20:07Yeah.
20:08Now, what was the purpose
20:09of that hearing?
20:10Oh, it was Jack Smith.
20:11It was the final report
20:13on the January 6th stuff.
20:14Yes, yes, it was.
20:15The hearing was to review
20:16the work of Jack Smith's
20:17Office of Special Counseling
20:19and their investigation
20:20into one Donald Trump.
20:21And while the testimony
20:23was happening,
20:24Donald Trump threw
20:25one of his signature
20:26truth social temper tantrums
20:28saying things like,
20:30quote,
20:30deranged Jack Smith
20:31is being decimated
20:32before Congress
20:33and Jack Smith
20:35is a deranged animal
20:36who shouldn't be allowed
20:38to practice law.
20:40It's kind of a sign
20:42of progress
20:42that he got a white man
20:44an animal.
20:45It's just nice
20:45to spread it around.
20:48Now, question,
20:49given Trump's measured
20:51thoughtful response,
20:53what do you think
20:54Jack Smith might have said
20:56during the hearing
20:58about the president?
20:59That bitch is a crook.
21:01Here's the former
21:02special counsel
21:03making one thing
21:04very clear.
21:05President Trump engaged
21:07in a criminal scheme
21:08to overturn the results
21:10and prevent
21:11the lawful transfer of power.
21:13President Trump
21:13illegally kept
21:14classified documents
21:15at his Mar-a-Lago
21:16social club.
21:17Our investigation
21:18developed proof
21:19beyond a reasonable doubt
21:20that President Trump
21:22engaged in criminal activity.
21:24That guy is deranged.
21:25Animal.
21:27Now, there were a lot
21:28of interesting things
21:29that happened at this hearing,
21:30but there was one key moment
21:32involving the Capitol Police.
21:34And before I play this clip,
21:36question to the panel,
21:37if you had the chance
21:39to confront
21:40your mortal enemy
21:42at a congressional hearing,
21:45what would you say to them?
21:47I would say,
21:48go fuck yourself.
21:49I mean,
21:54I'm just spitballing.
21:56Or swallowballing.
22:00There's a moment
22:00in the hearing
22:01when Republican
22:02Congressman Troy Nell
22:03speaks directly
22:04to the officers
22:05who fought
22:06to protect
22:07members of Congress
22:08during the January 6th
22:10uprising.
22:11And, uh,
22:12let's just say
22:12those officers
22:13don't agree with him.
22:15I would like to
22:16quickly address
22:17the police officers
22:18on January 6th.
22:19I can tell you,
22:20gentlemen,
22:21that the fault
22:22does not lie
22:23with Donald Trump.
22:25It lies
22:26with Yogananda Pittman
22:27and the U.S.
22:28Capitol Leadership Team.
22:30We know,
22:32we know
22:32they had the intelligence...
22:34Oh, fuck yourself.
22:42I thought you were kidding.
22:44What?
22:45Oh, fuck yourself.
22:46Oh, fuck yourself.
22:47Okay.
22:50Also,
22:50bonus points
22:52for covering his mouth.
22:54Could have been any.
22:55Because measles is back.
23:00It's going around.
23:03All right,
23:03let's see your offender.
23:05Who's this?
23:06Oh, oh, oh.
23:06Oh, that is a greasy child.
23:09Oh.
23:10Is that...
23:11Yeah, it's Brooklyn...
23:12Brooklyn Beckham.
23:13Brooklyn Beckham?
23:14Oh, yeah.
23:14Yeah, yeah.
23:15I just learned
23:16who this was this week.
23:18I'm so caught up
23:20in black people gossip,
23:21this one slipped
23:22through the cracks.
23:24I'm sorry.
23:24We're too busy
23:24having Tiana Taylor discourse
23:26in the black community
23:27right now.
23:28That is British media
23:29personality
23:30and a pot dealer
23:32in every after-school special.
23:34Um, Brooklyn...
23:36Pull him back up again.
23:37Does he not?
23:38Yeah, yeah.
23:39Oh, my God.
23:41That's shiny Brad.
23:42He looked like the dude
23:43in the Lifetime movie
23:44who'd walk up to the...
23:45Where are you going, Olivia?
23:46Yeah, yeah.
23:48He's not abusive.
23:49He's just firm.
23:50Yeah.
23:51Where are you going?
23:53Who did Brooklyn Beckham
23:55offend?
23:56His parents.
23:57Yes, he did.
23:59Brooklyn Beckham
24:00offended his parents,
24:01Victoria and David Beckham,
24:03seen here saying,
24:04we saw you from across the bar
24:06and wondered if you...
24:07Wanted to know
24:09if you wanted to buy
24:10some Botox.
24:12For $1 million.
24:13So, we know who he offended.
24:16How did Brooklyn Beckham
24:17offend you?
24:18I only know this story
24:19because my wife read it to me
24:20from her phone in bed.
24:22But, like...
24:23That was exciting.
24:25But, Andy, like,
24:25no one understands it still.
24:27No one really understands
24:28what this is about.
24:29I'm not 100% sure what happened,
24:31but this is what I heard
24:32during lunch.
24:33Hmm.
24:34The woman said that
24:36she wanted the first dance
24:38with her son.
24:39She danced with him
24:40inappropriately.
24:41Yes.
24:41That made everybody feel bad
24:44and embarrassed her son.
24:45Brooklyn Beckham
24:46first took to Instagram
24:47earlier this week
24:48to share some truth bombs
24:50about the family.
24:51In an Instagram post
24:53that I can only describe
24:55as if War and Peace
24:56was somehow the introduction
24:58to an even longer book.
25:00He tears into his parents.
25:02He said all types of stuff
25:03in all of those swipes.
25:04He said things like,
25:05my family values public promotion
25:08and endorsements above all else
25:10and Bran Beckham comes first.
25:13He's saying that basically
25:14the family only cares
25:15about making money
25:16on some Kardashian-type stuff,
25:18and I don't really think
25:18that's true
25:19because just a quick look
25:20shows that the Beckham family
25:22has only done ads
25:23for, you know,
25:25Brill Cream, Pepsi, Adidas,
25:26something called Vodafone,
25:28Uber Eats, Perfume,
25:29watches, whiskey, skincare,
25:31a fashion line.
25:32I'm sorry,
25:32that's all we have time for
25:33to mention right now.
25:34Do they do cameos?
25:40Because that is the mark
25:41of desperation.
25:43Brooklyn went on
25:44in his Instagram post
25:45to say that his family
25:46was not happy
25:47with a particular person
25:48in his life.
25:49Who is that person?
25:50Andy Richter.
25:51Oh, the wife.
25:52Yes.
25:52It's Brooklyn's wife,
25:54Nicola Peltz-Beckham,
25:55seen here about to sneeze.
25:58Here's what happened
25:59at what was supposed to be
26:00the happy couple's first dance.
26:02My mom hijacked
26:04my first dance with my wife.
26:06Mark Anthony called me
26:07to the stage
26:07where my mom was waiting
26:09to dance with me instead.
26:11She danced very inappropriately
26:13on me in front of everyone.
26:14Danced inappropriately on me.
26:17Yeah, yeah.
26:18She was backing it up, dude.
26:20Yeah.
26:21It's actually kind of sweet
26:22for you to drag
26:23your entire family
26:25for your brand new wife.
26:27That's nice.
26:29Here's the Beckham's wedding DJ,
26:31Fat Tony.
26:32Here's Fat Tony earlier this week
26:36setting the scene.
26:37Mark Anthony was performing
26:39on stage.
26:40He then called Brooklyn
26:42onto stage
26:43where the next minute
26:44it was everyone was expecting
26:46it to be Nicola to go up
26:48and do the first dance.
26:50And then he asks
26:50the most beautifulest woman
26:52in the room to come to the stage.
26:54And then he says,
26:55Victoria, come to the stage.
26:57I was expecting I heard Fat.
26:59I was not expecting that.
27:00He should be called
27:01Ozampic Tone.
27:04He was fat
27:05before he took all that E.
27:06My God.
27:09Where's the video?
27:11When do we see this?
27:12Well, the description
27:13is one thing,
27:14but this is a moment
27:14you have to see to believe.
27:16But unfortunately,
27:18even TMZ claims
27:19that the wedding dance video
27:21will never be seen.
27:24Ever.
27:24But that's what they think
27:26because here at
27:27Have I Got News for you,
27:28we've obtained
27:30exclusive access
27:31to some salacious
27:34dance footage.
27:35Roll it.
27:36That was a friend-o-meter.
27:57Welcome back.
28:10It's time for Lie Curious.
28:12I give you
28:13three biographical details
28:14about a public figure,
28:15but only one is true.
28:17You have to guess
28:18which is the truth
28:18and which are odious,
28:20unspeakable lies.
28:21Time now for three facts
28:23about recently promoted
28:24CBS News anchor
28:26and man who has
28:28the perfect Joe line,
28:30Tony DiCoppo.
28:31A facts are
28:32he bought a Pez dispenser
28:33in every state.
28:35His father was
28:36a marijuana kingpin.
28:37He's the reigning
28:38East Coast champion
28:40of How I Met Your Mother
28:41trivia.
28:42Wow.
28:43Which one is the truth?
28:45It's Pez.
28:45That jumped out
28:46to me too, right?
28:47Like that's such
28:48a nerdy news dude
28:49thing to do.
28:50Yes.
28:50Marijuana kingpin.
28:52Final answer.
28:52Marijuana kingpin over there.
28:53Pez.
28:54Pez.
28:54Tony DiCoppo's father
28:55was a marijuana kingpin.
28:57What?
28:58What?
29:01I'm 420 friendly.
29:03Oh my God.
29:05A marijuana kingpin
29:07or as NPR's
29:08Fresh Air
29:08so eloquently put it.
29:10If you smoked
29:11Colombian weed
29:12in the 1970s and 80s,
29:14our guest,
29:15Tony DiCoppo,
29:16would like to thank you.
29:17He says you paid
29:18for his swim lessons
29:19and kept him
29:20in the best private school
29:21in South Florida.
29:22Oh my God.
29:23But don't worry,
29:24even after serving
29:25a little bit of jail time,
29:26DiCoppo's dad
29:27gets to enjoy life
29:28as he turns a question
29:29about the money
29:30he made selling weed
29:32into talking about
29:33what he's really into.
29:35Three million,
29:36maybe four or five million.
29:38Most of it,
29:39he says,
29:39went to feed his addictions
29:41to drugs and women.
29:43It was just fun.
29:44I mean,
29:44I love women.
29:45I love to be around them,
29:46but I never get a chance
29:48to do that,
29:48so I'm estranged from them.
29:51In the present,
29:52but you had a nice run.
29:54Oh my, oh my.
29:57Wow.
29:59Oh my God.
30:02Say something,
30:03when a man closes his eyes
30:04to remember that thing.
30:07Oh, that was a good one.
30:08He remembered her so well,
30:10it made his mustache leave.
30:15Time for three facts
30:16about Minnesota Senator
30:17and a woman
30:18who isn't going
30:19to let you leave
30:20till you try her
30:21tater tot hot dish.
30:23Amy Klobuchar.
30:25The Senator was in the news
30:26this week
30:27when she filed paperwork
30:28to run for governor
30:29of Minnesota.
30:31Our facts about Amy Klobuchar
30:33are she carries jumper cables
30:35in her purse.
30:37She forbids anyone
30:39on her Senate staff
30:41from getting her hairstyle.
30:43Wow.
30:44She raised $17,000
30:46from ex-boyfriends
30:48for her Senate campaign.
30:49I like that one.
30:50I want all of these
30:51to be true.
30:51Which one is the truth?
30:52Yeah, yeah.
30:53I want her to forbid people
30:55from getting her hair cut
30:56because that's fun.
30:58My eyes sort of went
30:58to number three.
30:59I agree.
31:00Maybe in the first
31:01Senate campaign,
31:02she reaches out to her exes
31:03and they sent her
31:04a very little amount of money.
31:06Amy Klobuchar
31:07raised $17,000
31:09of ex-boyfriends
31:10for her Senate campaign.
31:14Here she is
31:15talking about it
31:15in 2019.
31:17I set a Senate record
31:19one year
31:20by raising $17,000
31:22from ex-boyfriends.
31:24I did that.
31:27Oh, my God.
31:29Amy just calls you up.
31:30Hey, Jimmy, it's Amy.
31:31He goes,
31:32Mm.
31:37How much you need,
31:38man?
31:38Mm.
31:40Mm.
31:41Mm.
31:42Mm.
31:42It's time for
31:44missing words.
31:47Here's your headline.
31:48Blank
31:49could protect your brain
31:51and prevent Alzheimer's.
31:53Helmets.
31:54What?
31:54What I want it to be
31:56is alcohol.
31:58Is it alcohol?
31:59Yeah, yeah.
32:00I, uh, yeah.
32:01Roy, is it alcohol?
32:02Sniffing your own farts.
32:04No.
32:06Could protect your brain.
32:07No!
32:08Oh!
32:09And prevent Alzheimer's.
32:11Wow.
32:11I'm gonna live forever!
32:13I'm gonna live forever!
32:18I like...
32:19It's sniffing.
32:20Like, that's way more active
32:22than smelling.
32:23Sniffing, it means you liked it.
32:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:25Oh, my God.
32:26Yuck.
32:27The scientists gave mice
32:28Alzheimer's symptoms
32:29and then exposed them
32:31to a gas
32:31which we call
32:32hydrogen sulfide.
32:33It's what makes your farts
32:35fart.
32:35It's what makes it funky.
32:37Mm-hmm.
32:37Researchers observed
32:38that mice exposed
32:39to the gas
32:40regained better memory function
32:42and were physically
32:43more responsive
32:44than the control group.
32:46Can I just beg you
32:47to cut this
32:48from this episode?
32:51No.
32:53You're ruining my life, Roy!
32:55That's been Missing Words.
32:57Woo!
32:58Woo!
32:58Woo!
32:59Woo!
32:59Woo!
33:00Woo!
33:00Woo!
33:00Woo!
33:00Woo!
33:00Woo!
33:00Woo!
33:00Woo!
33:01Woo!
33:01Woo!
33:01Woo!
33:01Woo!
33:02Woo!
33:02Woo!
33:02Woo!
33:02Woo!
33:03Woo!
33:03Woo!
33:04Woo!
33:04Woo!
33:05Woo!
33:05Woo!
33:06Woo!
33:06Woo!
33:07Woo!
33:07Woo!
33:08Woo!
33:08Woo!
33:09Woo!
33:09Woo!
33:10Woo!
33:10Woo!
33:11Woo!
33:11We find common ground
33:12between two different people
33:13who would never, ever be caught hanging out.
33:16Right on one side,
33:18we got Melania Trump,
33:19Jean Smart,
33:20Conor Story,
33:21and Kim Kardashian.
33:22And on the other side,
33:24Kamala Harris,
33:25Vladimir Putin,
33:26Mitt Romney,
33:27and Charlie Sheen.
33:29Ah.
33:29Can I just ask a clarifying question?
33:31Mm-hmm.
33:31This guy,
33:32is he from that heated rivalry?
33:33Is that who that guy is?
33:34Conor Story, yes.
33:35He's from that gay porn show
33:36on Netflix.
33:37What?
33:37it's a hockey show.
33:40Is it, though?
33:41Yes.
33:43There's a lot of puckin'.
33:45Ah!
33:47First up,
33:48we've got smoke bottles.
33:50Which two of these people
33:52have both advertised cigarette?
33:55Melania?
33:56Was she in a cigarette commercial
33:57before she got here?
33:59That's a possibility.
34:00It's not getting,
34:01you don't need the money.
34:02He's not the hockey guy, he's just a hockey guy.
34:09I think it's Gene Smart and Charlie Sheen.
34:11I also like your idea that Melania may have done
34:13cigarette commercials in Azerbaijan,
34:16Slovenian Salem, if you will.
34:19Let's call Melania.
34:21For the black Russian.
34:23The only thing is...
34:27We're gonna go with Melania and Putin.
34:29Charlie Sheen and Melania Trump.
34:32That's right, that's right.
34:33Those have been in ads for cigarettes.
34:36Melania appeared in a 1997 print ad for Camel Cigarettes.
34:41And Charlie Sheen appeared in a Japanese ad
34:45for Parliament Cigarettes in the early 90s.
34:48Please watch.
34:48Yes, yes.
34:49Why everything's the same as it was.
34:56That's so glamorous.
34:57So glamorous.
34:59Next up, we've got Hexy Grandmas.
35:02Which two of these people descended from accused witches
35:06at the Salem witch trials?
35:07Oh.
35:09Oh.
35:10My eye went right to Mitt Romney.
35:11Yes.
35:12That seems right, doesn't it?
35:14He's got some witch in him.
35:15And then I want to go with Gene Smart.
35:16Let's go with Gene Smart.
35:17I would do Gene Smart.
35:18I think Mitt Romney is right.
35:19Yeah.
35:20And I think it is, uh, Conor, what's it, yeah, Conor Cutie.
35:23Mitt Romney and Gene Smart.
35:26Wow!
35:27They won again.
35:28Both descended from accused witches.
35:31Mitt Romney is a descendant of accused witch Rebecca Nurse.
35:35Oh, she was the worst of them.
35:38Would anybody like to guess the name of the accused witch
35:42that Gene Smart descended from?
35:45Oh, imagine if it was Hannah Einbinder.
35:48That'd be cool.
35:50The accused witch that Gene Smart is descended from
35:52was named Dorcas Whore.
36:02That's the Latin name for a slutty nerd.
36:05Here's Gene learning about great-grandma whore.
36:11Oh!
36:12What we have here is a document that explains items
36:15that are suspected to be stolen by Dorcas Whore,
36:18your eighth great-grandmother.
36:20Yes.
36:20Whoa.
36:21A well-grown pig.
36:23A well-grown, does that mean just a big pig?
36:25Yeah.
36:27Cat burglars.
36:28I come from cat burglars.
36:31That sounds like a Hogwarts stripper.
36:33Yeah, yeah.
36:34I'm coming to the stage, Dorcas Whore.
36:36Dorcas Whore.
36:37Dorcas Whore.
36:38All right, let's do flaw in order.
36:42Which two of these people have both failed the bar exam?
36:46Oh.
36:47Well, we know Kim Kardashian.
36:48Kim Kardashian.
36:49Famously.
36:50Famously.
36:51And it has to be Kamala Harris.
36:53Putin has never failed at anything in his life.
36:55No, no.
36:56In Russia, bar fail you.
36:58Yeah.
37:00Kim Kardashian and Kamala Harris have both failed
37:03the bar exam.
37:04You can read all about it in Kamala's book.
37:06Don't you pin this shit on me.
37:07It wasn't my fault.
37:08Oh.
37:09Oh.
37:10Oh.
37:11Oh.
37:12And because she is a Kardashian, there is footage
37:15of the exact moment Kim found out she failed.
37:19I didn't make it.
37:20How do you know?
37:21How do you know?
37:22It says fail.
37:23She's the sharpest knife in that drawer.
37:24We didn't get to Conor Story and Vladimir Putin, but they both do a Russian accent and
37:38they both have too many pictures without their shirts on.
37:41Go after the break.
37:45I'm not mad.
37:48Absolutely.
37:49Welcome back.
37:50It's time for Which Is Higher?
37:51Teams, I'll give you two unrelated numbers from the news.
37:52You tell me which is higher.
37:53All right.
37:54The number of women who have served on the Supreme Court since its creation in 1789, or the
38:07number of men who have hosted Family Feud.
38:10Oh, wow.
38:11That's great.
38:12Okay.
38:13So let's get down to business.
38:15All right.
38:16Steve Harvey.
38:17Richard Dawson.
38:18Richard Dawson.
38:19The guy with the gap tooth.
38:20Louie Anderson.
38:21Louie Anderson.
38:22Ray Combs.
38:23Ray Combs.
38:24Yeah.
38:25Ray Combs.
38:26Oh, and Richard.
38:27And Richard Karn did it.
38:28Oh, Richard Karn.
38:30Al from Home Improvement.
38:32It might be a tie because I think there's five women, right?
38:35Sandra Day O'Connor, Kagan.
38:37What's your face?
38:38Brown.
38:39And Steve Harvey.
38:40Sotomayor.
38:41And Steve Harvey.
38:42I think it's five.
38:43And Comey Barrett.
38:44The number of female Supreme Court justices is six.
38:48Six.
38:49Sandra Day O'Connor.
38:50Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
38:51Ginsburg.
38:52Sonia Sotomayor.
38:53Ginsburg.
38:54Ellen Kagan.
38:55Amy Coney Barrett.
38:56And Ketanji Brown Jackson.
38:58The number of Family Feud hosts is seven.
39:02Oh.
39:03Richard Dawson.
39:06Ray Combs.
39:07Louie Anderson.
39:08Richard Karn.
39:09What the fuck is that?
39:10John O'Hurley.
39:11John O'Hurley.
39:12John O'Hurley.
39:13Steve Harvey.
39:14And Al Roker.
39:15Al Roker?
39:16When?
39:17When did that happen?
39:18Al Roker did about two years of Celebrity Family Feud.
39:21No way.
39:22That doesn't count.
39:23It's the feud.
39:24It counts.
39:25That doesn't count.
39:26This is CNN.
39:27We're about facts.
39:28All right.
39:29Did you ever do Celebrity Family Feud?
39:31You did Jeopardy?
39:32Yes.
39:33We did Celebrity Family Feud.
39:34And we lost.
39:35And my wife didn't speak to me for a week.
39:37What?
39:39Question to the panel.
39:40Who's your all-time favorite Family Feud host?
39:43It is Steve Harvey.
39:44Steve Harvey brushes them off.
39:47I like Steve Harvey because he, like, make you feel good even with a dumb guest.
39:52It's okay, player.
39:53Nobody else guessed it, but you believed in yourself.
39:57Y'all didn't win no money at all, but it's okay, big dog.
40:01I don't know.
40:02We can always argue who the best host was of Family Feud, but I think we all know who the favorite contestant was of Family Feud.
40:11Everybody, let's go meet the Ruffin family.
40:15Let's go.
40:16Thank you so much for asking me, Steve Harvey.
40:18I've never made love in a blank.
40:21Bed.
40:22Bed?
40:23That's right, bed.
40:24I'm sorry.
40:28Look at his face.
40:31He was not having my shit at all.
40:35That was Witches High.
40:37It's time for a new game we call, Who's That Baby?
40:49I'll show you a famous person's baby picture and you tell me, who that baby?
40:55Here are your clues.
40:56They're part of a shipping and railroad dynasty.
41:00They had cameos in the movie Chappie and Batman V Superman.
41:03What?
41:05And they're not a big drinker, except famously once a year.
41:09Oh, Anderson Cooper.
41:10Anderson Cooper.
41:11Anderson Cooper.
41:12Oh.
41:13That baby is Anderson Cooper.
41:15Yay!
41:17That was Who's That Baby?
41:19I want to thank our guests, Andy Richter, Janice Lynn, and of course, thank you to our team captains, Amber Ruffin and Michael Ian Black.
41:27Before we sign off, here are a few more stories we're watching.
41:36Jamiroquai announces new tour.
41:42Congratulations to the makeup team from Frankenstein for their well-deserved Oscar nomination.
41:52I'm Roy McJr.
41:53I'll see you next week on another episode of How I Got New from You.
41:55And it's been 38 days since I last shaved my beard.
41:59Good night.
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