- 3 hours ago
Live At The Apollo 2004 Season 20 Episode 6
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Tom Davis!
00:30Yes, Apollo! Latina, have a smash back some night!
00:44Yes, friends! Yes, thank you for being here tonight. Are we good, have a spit?
00:51Oh, baby, yeah. Can I say that feels good? I'm just going to get this out of the way.
00:56I played a gig at the weekend, and it didn't go so well. I played the Hair Awards.
01:03Let me tell you, as a bald man, that's a long four hours.
01:09You know the worst thing of it? At the end of the Hair Awards, the guy organising it come over to me,
01:14and he goes, well done tonight, mate, nice one. Here's a goodie bag.
01:19What am I going to do with a goodie? There was volumiser in there.
01:23I'm like, that's like giving a goldfish a parachute.
01:28Can I make an omission? Are we friends? Can I tell you a secret?
01:32I'm as high as a kite.
01:36Absolutely off my Sweden. Not in an old-school way. I've not been at the Coke.
01:40No, I'm on Cocodomole.
01:43The dad's drug. Let me break it down.
01:45I was putting my daughter to bed this evening,
01:47which weirdly is the time I usually like a couple of lines of cocaine.
01:52I find the Gruffalo's a better book when you're off your nut.
02:00The mouse took a stroll through the deep dark wood.
02:05Don't cry, Dad. It's the Gruffalo. No-one understands him.
02:11It's a weird thing. I put my daughter to bed.
02:13I don't know how many parents we've got in the room. Make some noise, parents.
02:17It's a bizarre... I'm still struggling with the whole sleep thing.
02:20For example, when my daughter does go to sleep, when she is sleeping,
02:23I'm in there every five minutes just to make sure she's still breathing.
02:26I don't know if you do this thing, running in, going...
02:31She's all right. She's fine. She's okay. Just check again. Just check again.
02:35I worry I'm still doing that when she's 21.
02:46Sorry, mate. Just...
02:52Just checking. She's...
02:55Didn't know you were staying over.
02:58You're only dropping off a pizza.
03:00We're going through a thing at a moment with her where you put her to bed,
03:06and you have to wait now for about seven hours until she actually goes to sleep.
03:10You have to sit in the room until she's into a deep, deep sleep.
03:13And that's the... You sit in a corner.
03:15She's like, just sit over there until I'm asleep.
03:18And you're like, okay, so you sit in a corner.
03:20And then you've got to try, you know, wait two, three hours before you can sneak out.
03:23It's very hard to sneak when you're my size.
03:26You're six foot seven. Everything creaks when I stand.
03:28I've got flatulence now.
03:29So it's like...
03:30As I'm making my way out of the room, a little head pops up like a sniper and goes,
03:42Where are you going, Dad?
03:45I need you to wait until I'm probably asleep.
03:49It's probably you idiot.
03:52I was in there tonight, and I know I've got to be here.
03:55So I think I've got to get out. I've got to sneak out best I can.
03:58So I start sneaking out.
04:00And in my daughter's room, there's a chest of drawers.
04:03I've always got on with this chest of drawers before.
04:05Never ever had a problem with it before.
04:06Never once in my life.
04:07As far as I know, me and the chest of drawers were on good terms.
04:10I start coming out of the room, and I walk past the chest of drawers.
04:13And as I walk past the chest of drawers, I catch three of my toes.
04:16Smash!
04:17The pain sears through my body.
04:20But I can't scream.
04:22I can't make a sound.
04:23Because if I make a sound, I'm going to wake her,
04:25and then I won't be able to be here.
04:27So I do the most insane thing, Apollo.
04:30I silently scream.
04:32I go like this.
04:33Like, that's a better thing for my daughter to wake up and see her dad in her room,
04:44just looking at her, going...
04:46And this is where this gets worse.
04:50I start freaking out at the chest of drawers.
04:52Like, it's a geezer who's knocked my pint over into Wetherspoons.
04:55I start going, you prick.
04:57You snidey little prick.
04:58I'm a nice guy.
04:59I start fantasizing about what I'm going to do to the chest of drawers tomorrow.
05:03Like, wave my wife off to work, my daughter off to nursery,
05:06then go upstairs into the bedroom, walk up and go,
05:09you still want to go now?
05:10You still want to make one with me in the cold light of day?
05:13Drag it down to the garage.
05:15I'm not going to beat it up.
05:16Not in my daughter's bedroom.
05:17That would be psychopathic.
05:18Take it to the garage.
05:20Light a cigarette, pour a whiskey like I'm in a Tarantino movie.
05:24Start circling it, going, come on, then.
05:26Let's have you now.
05:27Pick up a sledgehammer and just start smashing the granny out of it.
05:30You tell all the rest of the stuff to not mess with me in the house.
05:33You tell that French door to close when I push it.
05:36I think I'm carrying a lot of inner rage.
05:39That's what it is.
05:40On the basis, my daughter doesn't respect me.
05:43She's three and a half, she's got no respect for me at all.
05:46Nothing.
05:47For example, she started school this week, right?
05:49First day of school, she's at the bottom of the stairs.
05:51She's trying to put her little shoes on.
05:52She's got them on the wrong feet.
05:53She's struggling with the laces, struggling to do the velcro.
05:56And I come over and go, I've got this, come here.
05:58I'll do this for you.
05:59Put the shoes on the right feet, do the laces, do the velcro.
06:02I go, there we go, have a good day.
06:04And she stands up and looks at me up and down.
06:06She goes, oh, wow, Dad.
06:10Amazing.
06:12Feels pretty amazing.
06:13You've been there for 45 minutes making an absolute idiot out of yourself.
06:18We've been going through the Disney phase.
06:20Parents in the room, have you done the Disney phase?
06:22Yeah.
06:23We've been going film by film.
06:24We started off with Beauty and the Beast.
06:26Started watching Beauty and the Beast 10, 15, 20 times a day.
06:29We're watching Beauty and the Beast.
06:30And at the end of the day, she'd turn around and go,
06:32Dad, Dad, can we play Beauty and the Beast?
06:34Obviously, that can only go one way.
06:36Feels like the start of therapy in 30 years otherwise, doesn't it?
06:40Why have you got such a low opinion of yourself, Grace?
06:43I was, like, three, and me and my dad would play Beauty and the Beast,
06:47and he'd put on a yellow dress and just prance around the room.
06:50Obviously, obviously, she's Beauty and the Beast.
06:55And we'll be playing and she'll be going,
06:57Come here, Beast.
06:58Come here, disgusting Beast.
07:00Come here, dirty Beast.
07:02Vile Beast.
07:03Come here, grubby, disgusting Beast.
07:05I'm, like, I don't actually remember Belle being such a prick in the movie,
07:10if I'm honest with you.
07:12Before long, though, Beauty and the Beast becomes tiresome.
07:15It becomes boring.
07:16She starts watching, like, Frozen.
07:18And she's, like, Daddy, Daddy, can we play Frozen?
07:20I was, like, of course we can.
07:21She's, like, I'm going to be Elsa.
07:23I'm, like, good for you.
07:24Nice.
07:25Who am I?
07:26Olaf?
07:27Sven?
07:28And she looked at me cold in the eye and she went,
07:31No, Dad.
07:32You're the Beast.
07:34I said,
07:40There's not a Beast in Frozen.
07:43And she went,
07:45You're always...
07:47The Beast.
07:49Subsequently, I've been the Beast in Toy Story,
07:52I was the Beast in Moana,
07:54I was the Beast in Up.
07:56I've been typecast in my own ass.
08:00Beast!
08:03Bizarrely, that was a moment in my life that I thought,
08:07You know what, I've got to lose a bit of weight.
08:09I joined the gym.
08:11I always think, if you want to find a dickhead, go to the gym.
08:13Favourite bit of kit in the gym that I love more than anything in the world
08:18is the Good Girl, Bad Girl machine.
08:20Do you know that one?
08:21It's when you sit there and go,
08:22Good Girl, Bad Girl.
08:23Good Girl, Bad Girl.
08:24Good Girl, Bad Girl.
08:25I like the bit of gym kit you sit at for ages.
08:27Tuba Pringles.
08:28Couple of cans of Fosters.
08:29Good Girl, Bad Girl.
08:30Good Girl, Bad Girl.
08:31Good Girl, Bad Girl.
08:32I'm in there the other day and this fellow bowls in.
08:35He's in full tennis whites, dressed up.
08:38By the way, has anyone here been to Wimbledon?
08:39Have you ever been to Wimbledon?
08:40Just quickly.
08:41Not the town, I mean the tennis.
08:44You've been to Wimbledon?
08:45Yes.
08:46You enjoy it?
08:48I enjoyed Wimbledon.
08:49I've got to say, I've been to some places in my life
08:51I've never, ever, ever felt as out of place anywhere in my life as Wimbledon.
08:55I felt like an XL bully walking through Crufts.
09:00Bizarre place.
09:01Anyhow.
09:02I mean, this guy bowls in, he's in full tennis whites,
09:04perma-town, and he walks up to this big mirror,
09:06bowls up slow-like, looks himself up and down,
09:09gives a little sniff and goes...
09:11LAUGHTER
09:12LAUGHTER
09:13APPLAUSE
09:15APPLAUSE
09:17APPLAUSE
09:19APPLAUSE
09:21APPLAUSE
09:23APPLAUSE
09:24APPLAUSE
09:29APPLAUSE
09:31APPLAUSE
09:33I think to myself, this prick, he's playing shadow tennis.
09:46LAUGHTER
09:47And he's losing.
09:48APPLAUSE
09:49APPLAUSE
09:50APPLAUSE
09:51APPLAUSE
09:52APPLAUSE
09:53I think to myself, this prick, he's playing shadow tennis.
09:58LAUGHTER
09:59It's a funny thing, they say to be healthy, to keep yourself healthy,
10:00you need two things.
10:01You need to work out, you need to stay fit, which I've got on lock, as you can see.
10:14LAUGHTER
10:15And you need a good diet.
10:16You've got to be on top of the diet.
10:17That is where I fall down.
10:18The diet.
10:19I am a greedy piece of shit by nature.
10:21For example, first thing I'll do when I get home tonight,
10:23I won't be going to see my gorgeous wife, my Catherine, my girl, my world,
10:27make sure she's OK, or checking in on my daughter.
10:30No, I go to my first love.
10:32The fridge.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:34Bowling to the kitchen, stick on a bit of Ed Sheeran.
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38Dim the lights.
10:40Slowly walk up to her.
10:42Pull her open.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45Rest my chin on a shelf, look down and look up and go,
10:50Now, who's coming to bed with me tonight?
10:53LAUGHTER
10:54Have you ever seen Ham wince?
10:57LAUGHTER
10:58Got a derrily dunker just making her run for the door.
11:02LAUGHTER
11:03I'm disgusting when I get going.
11:04For example, the other week, I'm sitting there, I'm sitting watching Traitors.
11:08Anyone who's seen Traitors?
11:09I'm on the sofa.
11:10Do you watch Traitors?
11:11I like Traitors.
11:12All I wish it had was Danny Dole.
11:13I wish Danny Dole was in every programme.
11:15I love Danny.
11:16I think Danny...
11:17But you know, like, the moment...
11:18Every morning when they sit around together at breakfast
11:20and they're all really worried about who's been murdered,
11:22who the traitor...
11:23And they're all so polite.
11:24They're going,
11:25Who do you think did it?
11:26Who do you think's a traitor?
11:27Who do you think's been murdered?
11:28Who do you think the traitor is?
11:30Oh, I don't want to look at anyone.
11:31I'm so scared.
11:32I want Danny to come in seven Stellas deep.
11:34Just come bowling in, going...
11:35Are you the traitor?
11:37Are you the traitor?
11:39Are you the traitor?
11:40Are you...
11:41I'm the traitor!
11:42Right, complete it.
11:43Stick me in gladiators.
11:44LAUGHTER
11:50I get the sleeve of Jaffa Cakes to myself.
11:52Whole sleeve, just gone.
11:53And it's disgusting.
11:54I'm just...
11:55I get halfway through the sleeve of Jaffa Cakes,
11:57think, that's enough Jaffa Cakes.
11:58But I start just wedging them into my mouth,
12:00two by two, just stuffing them in.
12:02I kick the wrapper across the floor,
12:04like I'm in an MMA fight.
12:06LAUGHTER
12:07Go out to my bedroom,
12:09pull off my T-shirt,
12:10my gut falls over my Calvins.
12:12I just stand there looking in a full-length mirror like,
12:15You're disgusting.
12:17That was a disgusting show of greed down there
12:19with those Jaffa Cakes.
12:21You just demolished a whole sleeve of Jaffa Cakes to yourself.
12:25Families of four...
12:27LAUGHTER
12:28..of an evening will share a sleeve of Jaffa Cakes.
12:31You just ate them on your own.
12:32You've got to do better.
12:33You're a dad now.
12:34Show some restraint.
12:36I get into bed,
12:37I lay there for about two or three minutes and think...
12:40That was a two-pack of Jaffa Cakes.
12:42LAUGHTER
12:44There's another sleeve downstairs.
12:46LAUGHTER
12:48My biggest showing of greed of late,
12:51my biggest showing of greed,
12:52was, er...
12:54..was last year,
12:55I took my wife out for Valentine's Day.
12:57I'm like,
12:58We're going out, babe,
12:59we're going to go somewhere lovely,
13:00have a right romantic one together.
13:02Weird.
13:03I mean, I should have probably dressed up a bit differently.
13:05I took her to a burger joint in North London.
13:07LAUGHTER
13:08She got very dressed up.
13:10Black dress,
13:11handbag, high heels.
13:12I was like,
13:13You're going to embarrass yourself in there.
13:14They give you a plastic bib to eat with.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:17And the front,
13:18outside the front of this place,
13:20is a picture of what they say is London's biggest burger.
13:23I turn to my wife, all sexy-like,
13:25and I'm like,
13:26I'm going to eat that tonight.
13:28LAUGHTER
13:29And she's like,
13:30No, you're not.
13:31And I'm like,
13:32Why?
13:33Don't you think I can?
13:34She went,
13:35No, I know you can.
13:36But it's Valentine's Day,
13:38and that would be disgusting.
13:40LAUGHTER
13:41I took that as a flirty challenge.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44Bowled straight in the gaff,
13:45walked up to the waiter and went,
13:46Oi, John,
13:47give me one of the big burgers, pal.
13:48Give me a big burger.
13:49Burger comes out,
13:50and let me tell you, Apollo,
13:51it was beautiful.
13:53Brioche bun,
13:54four beef patties,
13:55a little bit of bacon,
13:56some iceberg lettuce,
13:57blue cheese.
13:58There was a tomato in there.
13:59I kicked that mug straight out.
14:01Pfff!
14:02LAUGHTER
14:03Stay away from our burgers,
14:04you little prick.
14:05Is it to pass the sausage and salads?
14:08That's as political as I get.
14:10LAUGHTER
14:12I pick this burger up,
14:14I look at my wife into her beautiful eyes,
14:16I give her a sexy wink,
14:17I open my mouth as wide as I can,
14:19I go,
14:20and stuff the burger in.
14:21And as I close my mouth down,
14:23it just stops,
14:25and there's a stick
14:26running through the middle of the burger.
14:28And,
14:29Oh!
14:30Oh!
14:31Oh!
14:32Oh!
14:33Oh!
14:34Oh!
14:35Oh!
14:36My wife at first is like,
14:37I told you you not to be too big.
14:39I told you and I'm like,
14:41Oh!
14:43Oh shit!
14:44Then she starts worrying,
14:45she's like,
14:59He's like...
15:02Panamonium. Everyone's worried. Everyone.
15:06Finally, one guy steps forward, looks a bit like Bradley Cooper.
15:11I say he looks like Bradley Cooper.
15:12He looks like Bradley Cooper if you're driving really quickly down the road.
15:14And you go, you see him? He looked like Bradley Cooper.
15:18You drive around the block, slow down, you go, no, he didn't.
15:20What a waste of both our time.
15:24He comes over and he leans forward and he goes...
15:27He's French, by the way.
15:29I've seen this before somewhere.
15:32He's gone too big on his first bite and he has a shtick caught in his mouth.
15:39Worry and anxiety turns to ridicule and laughter.
15:42Everyone just starts pissing themselves.
15:44Everyone's just laughing. My wife's laughing so much.
15:46She's got her forehead buried into this guy's chest and she's like...
15:50Oh, is that Tom Ford?
15:52One guy finds it so funny, he runs to the door of the restaurant,
15:54boots it open and goes, you gotta see this!
15:57Some fat wanker's got himself harpooned on a burger stick!
16:03People start coming in from out of the restaurant.
16:04People are leaving other restaurants.
16:06People are cancelling Ubers.
16:07All just to get a look at me salad like that.
16:09All the time I'm just worried. I'm worried this is me for the rest of my life now.
16:15Gracie's wedding day like that coming down the aisle.
16:26Finally, my wife and Bradley Cooper stop kissing.
16:28And he leans forward and he says, I've seen this somewhere before.
16:35The only thing you can do is pull the burger from the stick and out of his mouth.
16:39Then we break the stick.
16:41I would arguably say, Apollo, the most disgusting, unromantic thing you're ever likely to see on
16:47Valentine's Day is this Wally, got a burger that's been in his mouth for about 10 minutes,
16:52out of his mouth.
16:53Watch him break a stick and then watch him pick the said burger up and go for a second bite.
16:57I'd say that's a valentine's low right there.
17:07Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first act?
17:11So I've got mad, go crazy, make some noise for my guy, Mr. K K.
17:27I'll follow. How are we doing? You well?
17:37Lovely. It's nice seeing you guys, man. Give me a cheer if you're over 30.
17:43Love that. My people, back pain setting in already. Love it.
17:47Give me a cheer if you're in your 20s.
17:50I can't stand you guys.
17:53No, honestly, I've got to that age where I can't stand anything about young people.
17:57I hate you lot.
17:59I do. You know when they're like, let's leave the world in a better place for future generations.
18:05And you look at them.
18:10They're just like, let the world burn, bruv.
18:13They're going to put it on TikTok anyway.
18:16I can't stand you lot with that look that you all have, just that blank stare.
18:22It's like somewhere along the way you lot forgot that you have to communicate with your face.
18:26You just ask them anything and they're like,
18:28I hate you lot, man. You speak too much.
18:33You do. They talk too much.
18:34They just go on TikTok and tell you about their illnesses without anybody telling you why.
18:38Like, they're just there.
18:39Just meh, meh, always talking about their illnesses.
18:43Like, I was on TikTok the other day.
18:44This girl was like, follow me for a day in the life of somebody with IBS.
18:52What is going on, guys?
18:53Like, when was it all right to start telling people you're walking around with a leaky bumhole, right?
19:00Like, when did we okay this, right?
19:06When did we decide as a society this was okay, right?
19:09Like, do you know what happened when you used to suffer from IBS?
19:12You'd sit closest to the toilet and you'd shut up.
19:14Right?
19:19I wouldn't tell a single soul I had IBS.
19:21Are you mad I'd hold that shit in?
19:22I wouldn't tell anybody I'm ill.
19:27Like, are you mad?
19:28Like, I would lie at every given opportunity.
19:32Why were you in the toilet?
19:33Cocaine!
19:34Like, they're having me, like...
19:36I would rather you thought I was a class-A drug addict
19:41than somebody that could poo myself when I sneeze, right?
19:47Everybody has to have a label these days, right?
19:50Well, you know, everyone's like, oh, I've got anxiety, I've got ADHD.
19:52I'm... I'm neurodivers, I'm...
19:56Do you know what it is?
19:57Somewhere along the line, someone made oppression look cool.
20:01And now everybody wants a piece of it, right?
20:03Like, and I blame X Factor.
20:04Remember back in the day, it used to have all those sob stories?
20:08It did, but you know the sob stories at the beginning,
20:10when it first started?
20:11It was like real sob stories, innit?
20:13It was like a single mum had beat cancer three times,
20:16and she was like, I want to sing Whitney Houston.
20:17You were like, do whatever you like, bruv, like, just...
20:19Nowadays, you watch a TV programme about cleaning,
20:23it's a dad there going, yeah, it's really hard to clean,
20:26being a single dad, having a gluten intolerance.
20:28It's like, bruv...
20:36Everyone has to have a label.
20:37What happened to just being a bit weird?
20:40Do you remember that one?
20:41Like, why has he got his coat on indoors?
20:43I don't know, it's just a bit weird, innit?
20:52It was lovely, right?
20:55Why is he, like, faxing pictures of his cock?
20:57I don't know, he likes it!
21:00You made jokes about him, and you know, he felt included, nah.
21:05Now you just go, how are the trains, Rick?
21:07And they're like, oh, did you know Rick's on the spectrum,
21:09and you're in a HR meeting, it's like, argh!
21:15It's a tough time, though, it's a tough world to live in right now, man.
21:17It's a tough world for young people to live in as well.
21:20You've got, er...
21:21You've got the rise of the far right, as they say,
21:23there's flags going up everywhere.
21:24Like, do you lot think the flags are racist?
21:28I don't know, right?
21:30No, I don't know, it's not putting up the flags that's racist,
21:33it's what you do when you're putting up the flags that are racist.
21:35Cos I associate the flag with Euro 96, innit, right? That's...
21:40No, I do, whenever I see the St George's flag,
21:42I just hear three lines on a shirt, right?
21:44That's... That's what I hear, right?
21:46That's... No, it is, it is, obviously.
21:51It's not the flag that's the issue,
21:53it's what you do when you're putting up the flag.
21:55If you're shouting, get the hell home,
21:57eh, maybe it's the marketing.
22:01That's your problem, right?
22:03If they started playing Wonderwall and gave out sandwiches,
22:06we'd be like, oh, what a lovely community event, right?
22:12That's why everybody loves a Jamaican flag,
22:14cos when you see a Jamaican flag,
22:15there's always music playing in the background, right?
22:18Just out of nowhere, there's, like, some jerk chicken,
22:20they take you on a sensory experience.
22:23Before you know it, you're watching the Olympics going,
22:25I want Jamaica to do well, yeah.
22:27LAUGHTER
22:33St George's flag, though, it's a great one for a racist, though.
22:36It's a great one.
22:37Easy. Two lines.
22:42You could be stark drunk, right?
22:44And you could still draw that, right?
22:46Imagine being a Welsh nationalist.
22:47Like, see, I know.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:53Do you know what I mean?
22:53How do you draw a dragon?
22:59Off by heart.
23:01That is a four-man job, at least.
23:04You need four people to carry the tins of paint,
23:06you need an art degree.
23:08And even if you do get the dragon up,
23:09there's going to be people walking by going,
23:11oh, my God, Chinese New Year.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:14You know what, like, the...
23:27That thing about the flag really makes me laugh, right?
23:29Because, uh...
23:30They put up the flag everywhere.
23:31They put it up.
23:32I've been up and down the motorway recently, right?
23:34I've been up and down the motorway, seen the flag everywhere.
23:36And when you ask people these questions,
23:37the ones that put it up, they're like,
23:38oh, yeah, we're putting it up,
23:39so immigrants know where they stand, right?
23:45Like, they're trying to put immigrants off coming here
23:47by putting the flag.
23:47But I don't know about you guys, right?
23:49Listen, if I was risking my life to come over here on a boat
23:52to travel 21 miles on a dinghy,
23:56if I saw the England flag, I'd just be happy I made it.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:03Do you know what I mean?
24:03I'd be... I'd be there like,
24:09Mahmood, look, we made it!
24:13It's England!
24:13What?
24:15If you really want to stop the boats, there's a great plan.
24:18Right.
24:20If you really want to stop the boats, just line Dover with French flags.
24:23LAUGHTER
24:27I'm being serious.
24:29Lying the whole place with French flags,
24:35start giving out Eiffel Tower key rings, right?
24:39They'd be like, again? What the hell?
24:47Confuse the hell out of them.
24:49It will stop the boats in a week, right?
24:54It's a terrifying time, man. It's a terrifying time.
24:56The whole world's in disarray.
24:57You know, people...
24:59People moaning about Donald Trump.
25:00Any Donald Trump fans in here?
25:05Two guys over there forgot they weren't on Facebook.
25:07Ah, yeah.
25:10No, no, I think like the rest of these lot, yeah, yeah.
25:14I've not got a massive opinion on Donald Trump, right?
25:17I just do find it funny when people go,
25:19I can't believe he said that.
25:22I'm like, I can.
25:24He's 78.
25:25Hey, let's put a camera in front of your granddad.
25:28Let's see how progressive he is.
25:35I'm going to be a bigot.
25:39I know I'm going to be a bigot.
25:40I've already started planning it, right?
25:43But I'm going to be a bigot to the machines, right?
25:46Yeah, I know.
25:47I'm going to be a bigot to, like, AI.
25:48Well, I can't wait.
25:50I'm already thinking of slurs to call them.
25:53Code monkeys.
25:55Rusties, right?
25:56Well, no, because, like, I hate the robots already, right?
25:59That's why I don't have one of those smart speakers.
26:02It's like bringing an enemy into your own home, right?
26:05Those things record everything you say, bro.
26:08You think they don't?
26:09One day, you're going to be singing along to your favorite rap song,
26:11and it's going to be like, record a part where you said the n-word by accident.
26:14And it's like, do you want me to post this?
26:16No, no, no, no, no.
26:20I'm going to be a bigot to it, man.
26:21I can imagine one day in the future, I'm going to be playing with my future kids.
26:25Alexa's playing music in the background, right?
26:27I'll be like, shut up, Alexa.
26:30My kids are going to be like, daddy.
26:32Because I'm going to have middle-class children, right?
26:39Daddy, you mustn't say that.
26:41I'm like, why not?
26:42It's got feelings.
26:45I'm like, no, it doesn't. It's a machine.
26:47And then I'm there on TikTok doing an apology video.
26:51I apologize to the AI community.
26:54I wasn't aware of your struggle.
26:58I'll do better in future.
27:02It is a tough one, man. It is a tough one with racism.
27:05We had our own race riots last year as well, right?
27:08Football season ended, you know, there was that month.
27:11What are you going to do, innit?
27:16It was terrifying, right?
27:17Because for the first time in about 25 years, I got racially abused, right?
27:21And that's when I knew racism had gone too far, you know?
27:23It's like, it's affecting me now. Stop it.
27:31Everybody could just shut up now, right?
27:32Okay, you had your fun, right?
27:34No, I did.
27:35I got racially abused in South London, straight up my road.
27:38I got racially abused.
27:39And this is when I knew racism had gone too far, right?
27:41I got racially abused by an Irish man.
27:46Do you know how bad racism has to get for the Irish to get involved?
27:49It's like, bro, what happened?
27:51You lot used to be on the signs as well.
27:53We can't use bins in Canary Wharf because of your lot.
28:01No, I'm not.
28:02I love the Irish.
28:05I thought we were on the same team.
28:07This guy was out shouting racist abuse at every black and brown person that was going by.
28:11He was like shouting the N-word and the P-word.
28:12He's like, look at you, you.
28:14Look at you, you.
28:15And then he saw me and he's like, look at you.
28:20What the flip are you?
28:23That could be anything you want me to be, sir.
28:27I watched the racism turn into homophobia really quickly.
28:32I was watching those marches with a lot of interest.
28:34I was watching them with a lot of interest, right?
28:35Because you've got to do a bit of self-reflection sometimes.
28:37I was like, why am I not racist, right?
28:42You've got to ask that question sometimes, right?
28:44And like, you know, obvious reasons.
28:45But I was like, why am I not marching with these guys?
28:50And I was looking at them, right?
28:51And all of them, they're like shouting, oh, let's get our country back.
28:54And I was like, get your hairline back first, innit?
29:00No, honestly, like, because that's when I realised why I couldn't be raped.
29:04Because they're way too ugly for me to believe them, innit?
29:09If you want to tell me you're better than me, you better be sexy, innit?
29:11Right?
29:13No, because I don't believe a word ugly people say in general, right?
29:16Like, as a rule, I don't believe ugly people, right?
29:19Like, that's why I didn't believe in climate change for years, right?
29:24I'm serious, right?
29:25Like, they used to get these scientists on TV, like,
29:27at the rate the world is heating up, wasn't it?
29:29Like, shut up, Specky.
29:33Get back in the lab.
29:34As soon as they got Angelina Jolie to speak about it, I was like,
29:39clean out these yoghurt pots, this is important.
29:41LAUGHTER
29:47All I'm saying is, right, like, they need someone sexy, right?
29:51They need someone sexy to be racist, and then I'll believe them.
29:54Because if you want to say you're better than me, you better be beautiful.
29:57Oh, my God, you better be gorgeous, right?
29:59If David Beckham came out tomorrow as racist, I'm joining in, right?
30:05Honestly, if he's there on Instagram one day, like,
30:07well, me and Victoria have been thinking...
30:13It's time to get our country back.
30:16I'll be there, like, Mum, pack your bags, it's time to go.
30:18Let's go.
30:19Ladies and gentlemen, my name's Kay Curd. Enjoy the rest of your night.
30:21Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring another act on. Are you ready?
30:37Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together, go wild, go crazy,
30:44for the amazing Miss Louis Hian.
30:51Oh, my God, this is crazy. Thank you so much for having us. This is amazing.
31:11I've done a few gigs down south this week. Whenever I'm down south,
31:14I do have this... I have this awareness that I have to slow this accent down.
31:18The Geordie accent, it's peculiar on people's ear, and I realised this,
31:23cos I met me friend's brother a while ago, right?
31:25Me friend's German, and so's his brother.
31:28They're quite weird like that, to Germans.
31:31Strange. And when I met him, though, I thought...
31:33Cos I'm quite, like, a friendly, open person, so I thought I was being, like,
31:36you know, nice and friendly and open when I met him.
31:38Then when I left the situation, me friend's brother had said behind me back,
31:42your English friend. She's very nice, but why does she speak like a pirate?
31:50So I know I've got to slow it down. And, like, an accent like this kind of, like,
31:53betrays a working-classness, and I'm very aware of that. I've always been kind of,
31:57er, acutely aware of me working-classness from a young age, right? And listen,
32:03this is a nice audience. I'll be vulnerable with yous. I've always been very aware of me working-classness,
32:10because when I was 12,
32:15I quit smoking.
32:19But genuinely as well, like, for all the right reasons, like, for the baby.
32:26No. Don't. Don't applaud it. I shouldn't, I shouldn't perpetuate stereotypes like that.
32:32I haven't got, I haven't got any kids, right? And I remember, because, seriously,
32:37this job has saved my life, right? I used to be really, really off the rails,
32:41like, really, really off the rails up until about a week ago.
32:46And, er, no, but seriously, a few years ago, I was going crazy and, like, a big turning point
32:50in my life, right? One of me friends, she tried to stop us from going down a dark path,
32:54and she went, Louise! It was quite brutal, this, but I know why she was doing it. She went, Louise,
32:58it's a good job, you haven't had any kids, because if you did, they'd be taken off you.
33:05And I was like, I know, I'm so sorry, I'm going to sort me life out, I'm so, so, so sorry,
33:09I will turn this around, I will. That's what I said. But I can remember very vividly at that
33:15moment in me head thinking, oh, my God, there's a good chance that's actually happened, and I just
33:20can't remember. It was an intense time. But I've calmed myself down, like, quite a bit now,
33:28I'm a lot calmer these days, right? I live with, er, me girlfriend, me fiance now. Thank you very much,
33:35yes, what a bunch of gay lords. Erm, thanks. But, like, the thing is, like, it's mad being gay,
33:41it really is, right? I performed at a lesbian festival recently, right? And what a rowdy bunch
33:48we are. Like, really uncouth, do you know what I mean? Like, but it was a good festival,
33:52it was really good, it was a big success as well. Er, St John's ambulance ran out of finger splints.
34:03It was, it was wonderful. What an experience. I, er, no, I don't live in Newcastle anymore,
34:10right? And I went back to see me family this summer, at a family barbecue, and me auntie,
34:15me great auntie came up to us, and she meant nothing by this. She was absolutely lush. But
34:20she come up to us and she went, oh, hello, pet. Are you back, are you? Oh, I've missed you.
34:26And I've been thinking about you loads at the minute, with the women's football being on.
34:33Thank you. And, er, I have to have more confidence in myself sometimes. Like, sometimes where it counts,
34:39I don't have confidence, right? And I realise this. If I'm on a date, and, er, I get into a taxi with
34:44me girlfriend, and if I get the slightest feeling the taxi driver is a little bit homophobic,
34:49right? And I shouldn't do this, but I do. I'll say to me girlfriend, listen,
34:54don't hold me hand. Don't put your arm around us. Don't, don't be affectionate. Just don't.
34:59Yes. I know how that, like, I know how that sounds. I know it sounds quite harsh of me.
35:04It sounds quite weird. It sounds, it sounds pathetic. It sounds weak of me. But, like,
35:09I need you to understand, like, from my perspective,
35:13I feel like I almost have to kind of, like, protect...
35:15my Uber rating.
35:23It's just hard being gay sometimes. I've, er, listen, I've covered the kind of Geordie thing,
35:27right, but I'm actually, I'm technically, er, half Turkish, half Geordie, right? That's a bit
35:31of a weird combination. The thing is, though, I haven't been to Turkey loads in me life, right,
35:35so I'm, I'm technically just, like, culturally very Geordie, but I've got a couple of Turkish
35:40behaviours that have, like, hung on in the DNA, right? I love to haggle. I love to bar,
35:45bar for a price. Like, I'm in a bazaar at all times. I love it. But I'm shit at it,
35:50right? Because I'm too British, I'm too polite. I don't get stuck in the way you're supposed to
35:53get stuck in. And I realised this, right, on a holiday with my cousin. I bought something from
35:58a stall, and I was so excited to show her what I'd bought. And she was stood there. I'll never
36:03forget this. She was, like, shaking her head, like, really angry at me. And she went,
36:08you know what's happened there, don't you? And I was like, what? These were her words. She went,
36:13underneath, they've seen your English money, and they've taken you for a ride.
36:19I remember feeling so, I felt mortified, I felt so culturally stupid, so foolish,
36:25because we're in this little place called, um, it's not Abu Dhabi, and I always go to call it
36:30Abu Dhabi. It's Abu... Don't say I've forgotten the name tonight of all night.
36:35Guys, I'm not kidding. Oh, God. No, don't help us. Sorry.
36:42Ahem. Aberdeen. Got yours. I bloody got yours. You thought that Geordie had fucked up there,
36:51didn't you? That was great. Whatever you are in life, right, you're going to have stereotypes
36:56thrown at you, aren't you? And, um, I've realised, right, and I don't care, but the stereotype that I
37:01often get if I say I'm Turkish, right, and I don't care, I don't care what people say, right,
37:05but this is often what I've got to feel. So, I say I'm Turkish, and someone will go,
37:10argh, you've got to watch Turkish men. Oh, you've got to watch Turkish men. My cousin,
37:15she went to Turkey, she's got blonde hair, blue eyes, they wouldn't leave her alone, right?
37:21And whatever, it doesn't usually bother us, right? It doesn't, but it did upset us
37:24a few months ago, because it was like, it was round like a dinner table, and I felt very trapped,
37:30and everyone was kind of laughing, and it felt horrible, and my girlfriend was sat next to us,
37:35and my girlfriend's got blonde hair, blue eyes, and I was quite startled, and I had to say something,
37:41and I was like, oh my god, I'm just like the rest of them. This is terrible. I do feel as though,
37:51I'm trying to sort myself out and everything. I'm getting to that age where a lot of people around
37:55us are having kids and stuff like that. You might know people like this, right? My best friend's
37:59become a mother, and I'm so proud of her. She's so good at it. She's just taken to motherhood
38:04like so well, and she was a worse party girl than me, so I'm even more proud of her, right?
38:10And she was saying, and not everyone's going to feel like this, but she was like, Louise,
38:14there's no feeling like being a parent. This is amazing. Waking up and seeing me baby. I love it.
38:20It's better than any drink, any drug, any line, any pill. I thought, oh my god.
38:29Even if you don't agree with that, just think about that on a chemical level.
38:34If that's how amazing parenting can just naturally feel to some people,
38:41imagine how good parenting must feel on drugs.
38:44So I'm looking forward to that. That would be great. Give me a chair if you've been in Newcastle
38:52upon time before.
38:55Most of you. Give me a chair if you've not been.
38:59That was the same people cheering twice there for something to do, wasn't it?
39:02I think Newcastle's quite a risky place to live, right? If you are susceptible to madness,
39:08because it's such a party city, right? And so there's a TV moment that happened in Newcastle
39:15upon time where I'm from, and it sums up the place so beautifully. So just let me paint this picture
39:20for you, because it's one of my favourite TV moments of all time, right? And so the clip is on a documentary
39:26called Booze Britain. You know where I'm going with this. You're not stupid. So it's obviously a
39:31documentary about how people in the UK drink too much. It was on about 15 years ago, and they're
39:37going around Newcastle for one of the episodes, right? And they get talking on the street. It's
39:42like a fly on the wall type thing. And they get talking on the street to this woman called Debbie,
39:47okay? And they're like, Debbie, are you having a good night out? Like, and as you can imagine,
39:52Debbie, I'm having a fucking wicked night out. Thank you. She's off her tits, bless her heart,
39:57right? And so what they do on the documentary is they make Debbie do a breathalyser, right?
40:03I know, it was very unethical. It was 10 years ago, 15 years ago, before anyone cared about anyone's
40:08feelings, right? So they make Debbie do a breathalyser, they take a reading, and then they show the
40:15camera, right? And on the next scene of this documentary, you see Debbie, she's dancing around on
40:21the table, she's trying to rip her top off, she's going insane, she's having a genuinely wonderful
40:26night out, just letting go, right? But at that precise moment, the voiceover on the documentary
40:33just goes, Debbie may be feeling in the party spirit, but medically, she has enough alcohol in
40:42her bloodstream to be in a potentially fatal coma. Welcome to my home. Because screw the coma, Debbie
40:51did the Macarena. It was wonderful. You know, a lot of it, right? I was thinking about this,
40:57a lot of comedians will harm up how crazy they are, like, for comedic effect. I don't want yous to think
41:04that I would ever do that, right? And I've got kind of proof of how insane I used to be, right?
41:09So I was doing a comedy club in the North East, and Gaza, Paul Gascoigne, was in the audience.
41:15Do we all know who Gaza is? If anyone doesn't know, very, very quickly, right, he was a
41:21Geordie footballer in the 90s, issues with drinking drugs, really mad life, once tried to save an
41:27assassin with a fishing rod. That is true, right? So he's in the audience, right? And I was quite a
41:33new comedian, so I'm doing it. I was doing a lot of jokes about going off the rails and how
41:37how mental I was. This is how I know me life must have been objectively ridiculous. When I got off stage,
41:44Gaza, Paul Gascoigne, ran up to us. This is true. He gave us a massive big hug and he went,
41:51Oh, Louise, it's like we've had the same life.
42:00That's when you know your life's been friggin' shambolic. When Gaza is relating to it on a
42:06seriously deep level. It's like we've had the same life, me and you. But he's not wrong,
42:10I'm not taking the piss, like I say, you know, when I played for England.
42:15That was great. No, but when he became a Turkish lesbian, that was outrageous.
42:22What he did, that wasn't it. I'm going to leave you with this. This last joke, it's a,
42:26it's a philosophical joke. It's more for you to kind of ponder on the way home this evening,
42:30right? Just let this marinate in your heads. So this blew my mind, this. So statistically,
42:36some taxi drivers will be serial killers. So have a lovely evening. Right, I've been
42:44Louise Young, you've been wonderful. Thanks for having us. Good night. Cheers.
42:47Yes, yes, yes, ladies and gentlemen, Louise Young.
42:54The Polos, thank you so, so much for coming out tonight. It's been an incredible lineup.
42:59It's been an incredible lineup for Lauren Gehran. The character, our bigger host, Tom Davies, Apollo Al.
43:29It's been an incredible lineup for Lauren Gehran. It's been an incredible lineup for Lauren Gehran.
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