- 2 hours ago
First broadcast 15th January 1998.
Geraldine becomes a celebrity after doing 'Pause for Thought' on the Terry Wogan show, but fame carries a price.
Geraldine Grainger Dawn French
David Horton Gary Waldhorn
Hugo Horton James Fleet
Alice Tinker Emma Chambers
Frank Pickle John Bluthal
Jim Trott Trevor Peacock
Owen Newitt Roger Lloyd Pack
Charlotte Palmer Autograph Lady
Darcey Bussell Herself
Geraldine becomes a celebrity after doing 'Pause for Thought' on the Terry Wogan show, but fame carries a price.
Geraldine Grainger Dawn French
David Horton Gary Waldhorn
Hugo Horton James Fleet
Alice Tinker Emma Chambers
Frank Pickle John Bluthal
Jim Trott Trevor Peacock
Owen Newitt Roger Lloyd Pack
Charlotte Palmer Autograph Lady
Darcey Bussell Herself
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
00:05I make it easy to lie down in green pastes
00:11I need it be beside the still water
00:22Still water
00:30Right, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight
00:34So if I could ask you all not to waste time
00:36With the traditional distractions, repetitions
00:39And general annoyances
00:40That are the usual content of these parish council meetings
00:44Good idea
00:44You're the boss
00:46Excellent
00:47Ready, Frank?
00:51Absolutely
00:51Bravo
00:53Point one
00:55The gala night
00:56I thought St Valentine's Day
00:58With all the profits going to the upkeep of the village hall
01:00Happy with that, Jim?
01:03Yes
01:03Mother
01:04Father
01:06Later, Hugo
01:07I didn't say anything
01:09What do you mean?
01:11Father
01:11Father
01:12Oh, no
01:15It's a dream, isn't it?
01:19Yes, David
01:20I'm afraid of tears
01:21Father
01:23Father
01:24Time for the council meeting
01:27Oh, God
01:29Highlight of the week
01:30You're the saddest person in the kingdom
01:33And that's including Rolf Harris
01:35Right
01:38Well, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight
01:40Yes
01:40Oh, sorry I'm late
01:42Did I miss anything?
01:43No
01:43We were only just starting
01:44As I was saying
01:45Is there a lot of stuff to get through tonight?
01:47Yes, there is
01:48Well, can we try to do it without all the traditional distractions
01:52And repetitions
01:54And general annoyances
01:56That are the usual content of these parish council meetings?
01:59Well, quite
02:00Good point, Vicar
02:01The way I see it
02:02A slightly firmer hand on the rudder
02:04Might get through these things a little quicker
02:06Do you want to take a vote on that?
02:08On what?
02:10On the proposition by the Vicar
02:11Seconded by Mr Newart
02:13That there should be a slightly firmer hand on the rudder
02:16Well, of course we don't want to take a vote on it
02:19All those in favour of not voting
02:22That's one
02:25All those in favour of a vote
02:27Carried overwhelmingly
02:32For God's sake
02:33This is exactly the kind of interruption we're trying to avoid
02:36Oh, well, I thought you had meant the kind of thing
02:39Like where, you know
02:41You're talking about Owen's cattle
02:44And I think you're talking about Owen's kettle
02:48And I say I'll lend him mine
02:53But
02:54It's fused
02:56At the moment
02:57Yes
03:01Well, that kind of thing can be pretty annoying too
03:05Moving on
03:07Your kettle really not working, Jim?
03:11There's absolutely knackered
03:13I can lend you mine
03:14At a very reasonable price
03:16Stop it right there
03:19Point one
03:27The date of the gala night
03:31I thought Valentine's Day
03:33February the 14th
03:35Yeah, that sounds fine to me
03:37Thank God for that
03:38So long as you don't mind it being on the same day as the cattle show
03:42Oh, are we having a cattle show?
03:44Very well
03:47February the 15th
03:48Old folks, Valentine dinner
03:5016th
03:51Old folks, Valentine dinner
03:53I thought that was the 15th
03:55Yes, but so many of the old dears forget the first one
03:58We always have another one on the next one
03:59Very well then
04:01The 17th
04:04Old folks, Valentine dinner
04:06There's a third one
04:08No, just teasing
04:09Gotcha
04:09Very well
04:17The 17th
04:19It is
04:20Yep
04:20So long as you don't mind us missing Hugo's wedding
04:24Oh
04:24I do hate you all very deeply
04:29Right
04:32So that's settled
04:34Valentine gala night
04:36Is on November the 23rd
04:39Anything else?
04:44No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
04:47No
04:48Very well
04:52Item two
04:54Oh
04:55I want this one other thing
04:57I don't think I can make November the 23rd
05:01Lord help me
05:03Sorry, I've just checked my diary
05:05And actually your original suggestion of Valentine's Day
05:08Is in fact fine
05:10Because the cattle shows the week before
05:12Silly me, sorry
05:13Moving on
05:18We can at least agree that the money will go to the upkeep of the haul
05:22No
05:22No
05:23No
05:23No
05:24Can't it go to something people can feel passionate about?
05:28Yeah
05:28Like what, for instance?
05:30Ulrika Johnson
05:31Jim and I are very passionate about her
05:36She can climb on my travelator in the house
05:41No, Jim
05:46I was thinking more of a village nursery
05:48I just think it's very important to get the toddlers interested in reading and writing when they're very young
05:53Oh, what nonsense
05:54I had a charming farmhand here for years who couldn't read a single word
05:58Never did him any harm
05:59Well, apart from that time he couldn't read the sign saying caution faulty chainsaw
06:03He cut off his nose and one of his hands and dad had to go to court
06:08But that's the nursery it is
06:10Hello
06:15Liz
06:17One second please call her
06:20Yeah
06:20Could you please let me answer my own phone?
06:23Oh, sorry
06:24Sorry
06:25I didn't mean hang up
06:29Oh, sorry
06:30Oh, no, they've gone
06:32Of course they've gone
06:35Because you hung up
06:36Leave it
06:38Hello, Joldyn Granger here
06:47Right
06:48It's for you
06:49Hello
06:52Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right, yeah
06:55I'll be straight home
06:56Okay, fine
06:57Oh, it's just my mum reminding me sister Wendy's on
07:00Oh, she's lovely, don't you think?
07:02Yeah, she reminds me of Ken Dodd
07:04I do sometimes wonder what the hell she thinks she's doing on TV
07:09Pointing at all the knobs on statues
07:11And saying, oh, good Lord, that's nice
07:14People don't seem to feel they exist anymore unless they're on television or in the papers
07:20Hello, Vicarage
07:24Right
07:26Right
07:29Right
07:30Right
07:31Yeah, I'll ask her
07:32It's the Times of London
07:34They heard you on Radio Dibley and wondered if they could do a feature on you
07:38No
07:38No, the answer is no
07:41I am a Vicar
07:42I am not a celebrity
07:44They pay you 500 quid
07:46Yes
07:47Yes
07:47An unequivocal yes
07:49Item six
07:52The Gala Night
07:53Ideas for content?
07:55No, no
07:55Yes
07:55I saw this film the other night
07:58The Full Monty
08:00You get some music
08:04I'll take all my clothes
08:06And that would be entertaining, would it?
08:12I'll certainly get near Marysworth
08:14I'm taking off my truss and everything
08:16Good idea
08:20I'm intending to do my impression, sir
08:23How do?
08:25How are you diddling?
08:28And who's that?
08:29My grandfather
08:30Right
08:34Are you having any ideas?
08:36Well, I might be able to talk the duck into a return performance
08:40I did have one idea
08:44But it's only very much in the formative stages
08:47But, well, I suppose I might, you know, give it a dry run as far as I've got
08:50Yeah, fire away, Hugo
08:51Okay
08:52Well, I come on stage in some sort of costume
08:55Haven't quite decided what
08:57And?
09:02Well, no, that's as far as I've got
09:04It's very much in the early stages of development
09:07Yes, well, yes, well, very good, Hugo
09:11Thanks, I can't deny I'm pretty excited
09:13Yeah
09:13Any other business?
09:15There certainly is
09:17I'd like to congratulate the vicar and her feature in The Times
09:21Oh, yes, yes, yes
09:23Oh, well, thank you, Frank
09:24I like The Times
09:26Yeah
09:26It's not too rough on the buttocks
09:28Actually, I have to say, it was very good fun
09:35And they did give me 500 quid towards the nursery
09:38Don't worry, my media career stops here
09:42My place is in the pulpit, not in the papers
09:45Hello, Dibbley Beckeridge, can I help you?
09:57Oh, I'll ask her, but I'm afraid she's gonna say no
10:01Her media career is over
10:03Who is it?
10:04Hang on
10:05It's the people from Terry Wogan's Pause for Thought
10:07They read your article and want you to come on
10:09Oh
10:11Oh, um, um, um, I, no, I don't know
10:16Wait, wait, wait
10:16Um, would be quite good
10:19Um, um, um, um
10:23No, wait, wait, wait
10:24It would be really good
10:28Go on, then
10:35Hello, Joldine Granger here
10:37Thanks
10:39Yeah, thanks
10:41When would you want me?
10:43Tomorrow morning
10:44Good Lord
10:45Somebody drop down
10:46Drop dead
10:47Oh, dear
10:48Right, right
10:50Well, that in itself gives one pause for thought
10:53Doesn't it?
10:54Ha, ha, you see
10:55Ha, ha, ha
10:56Yes, yes
10:57OK
10:58Well, thanks very much
10:59Yes, and big licky love to Tessa
11:01Ha, ha, thank you
11:02Pause for thought, pause for thought, pause for thought
11:06Pause for thought, pause for thought, pause for thought
11:09I thought you weren't going to do any more of those things
11:13Really? What gave you that idea?
11:15Hello
11:16Hi, Hugie
11:17Hello, Hugo
11:21Guess who's going on Terry Wogan's show tomorrow
11:24Terry Wogan?
11:28No
11:29All right, I'll give you one clue
11:30Only your favourite vicar
11:31Ha, ha, ha, ha
11:32Archbishop Tudio's going to be on Wogan
11:34No, me, me, me
11:38I'm doing pause for thought on Terry Wogan's show
11:41Oh, by the way
11:44Just in case you haven't got a thought
11:46No, I have
11:47I've got quite a good one
11:48Right
11:49I was thinking
11:51Wouldn't it be lovely
11:52If some kittens were actually born with pink fur?
11:57You didn't have to paint them pink yourself
11:59Yeah, thanks for that
12:02Thanks for that
12:03Just imagine it
12:05Tomorrow morning about this time
12:07Me and Tez are face to face
12:08Well, be jabbers on top of the morning to you, Jeremy
12:11It's Terry Welsh then
12:13Beam me up, Scotty
12:16Well, that's love letters
12:22The pleasing baritone of Alison Moyer
12:25Now it's time for pause for thought
12:26Just a moment or two
12:27Only a busy day
12:28Today, it's a she-vicar
12:30Geraldine Granger
12:31Hello, Terry
12:32Oh, hello, Geraldine
12:33So, what's your keen brain been working on?
12:36Well, I've been thinking about a cause
12:39Very close to my heart, actually
12:41And that's nursery schools
12:42I mean, surely everyone should be able to read and write
12:46Except Edwina Currie, of course
12:48I mean, if she writes another novel
12:50We should lop her arms off immediately
12:52Slippery slope, I tell you
12:57Slippery slope
12:58Oh, sorry
13:07That's all right
13:08No, I'm done
13:09Wait a minute
13:10Quite a cotton-picking, tutu-wearing minute here
13:13It's Darcy Bustle, isn't it?
13:15That's right
13:16This is very, very exciting
13:20It's Darcy Bustle
13:22Plie, plie, bun, plie
13:25Wow, you really are just my most favourite dancer in the entire world
13:31Oh, thank you
13:31I actually very nearly became a ballerina myself
13:34You can probably tell by my décolletage
13:36Just my ballet teacher said that unfortunately my ankle's a little bit too bendy
13:41Oh, there's thousands of us in the church
13:44Who all started off as dancers
13:46Terry Waite, for example
13:48Thank you
13:49Spent the first 20 years of his life in pink tights
13:52This is Alice, by the way
13:55Ignore her
13:55So, Darcy Bustle
13:57What are you doing here?
13:59I've been doing pause for thought
14:00Oh, yeah
14:01I just heard it in the car
14:02It was brilliant
14:02Thank you
14:04If there's ever anything I can do
14:06In getting the nursery
14:07Please count me in
14:08You're sickening, aren't you, Darcy?
14:11I mean
14:11Not only the best dancer in the universe
14:13But also a lovely personality as well
14:16You don't mind me calling you Darcy?
14:17No, no
14:18And you can call me DeGeraldine, if you like
14:20Excuse me
14:25Could I have your autograph?
14:28What?
14:28I heard you and Terry and I thought you were absolutely brilliant
14:31Well, I suppose I'll have to get used to this sort of thing
14:38Price of fame, eh?
14:41Hold for a sec, Carol
14:42I'm just getting Alison Moyer's autograph
14:44I mean, actually, she's not
14:51Shut it!
14:54Alison Moyer
14:57You wouldn't just sing a song for me, would you?
15:02Not just me
15:03I've completely lost my voice, isn't it?
15:10Item two, Jim
15:11Yes, I'd like to congratulate the vicar
15:14On her performance on pause for thought
15:18Yes, yes, yes
15:19And any questions?
15:21Yes
15:21And Countdown
15:23And Noel's house party
15:25Oh, stop, stop, stop
15:27Well, actually, Noel wants to turn Find the Vicar's Knickers into a regular slot
15:32Amazing
15:33Let's move on to the gala
15:36Any progress there?
15:38Or is the climax of our show still Owen and his amazing farting duck?
15:42And what news on tickets, Frank?
15:47Well, I won't mince my words, but tickets aren't going too well
15:50Oh, not sold out?
15:52Not sold any
15:52Now, don't panic, it could be worse
15:56What's worse than not selling any tickets at all?
15:59Well, selling one ticket
16:00But selling it to a serial killer
16:05No, no, no, no, no, that's right
16:10Who comes on the stage
16:12And slits all our throats
16:14And then leaves us all
16:17In a great pool of blood
16:19Does anyone actually have this serial killer's address?
16:26Don't worry, everybody
16:27Rev to the rescue as usual
16:29As it happens, I'm doing rather an important spread
16:32For one of the Sunday papes tomorrow
16:34So I'll mention our little show
16:36And we'll get loads of peeps in after that
16:37Bravo, hero
16:39I thought you said no more media
16:42Yes, I did
16:43And this is positively my last
16:45Apart from the photo shoot for Vogue
16:47And loaded
16:50And what car
16:54I hope you know what you're doing
16:57Yes, thank you, David
16:58I think I do
16:59Because you're gorgeous
17:07I'd do anything for you
17:11Because you're gorgeous
17:15I know you get me
17:18I know you get me too
17:21I know you get me too
17:24How did the interview go?
17:27Well, I think I grooved
17:29What am I talking about, I think?
17:32That was a total triumph
17:33The journalist is coming here to speak to people about
17:36Saint Geraldine of Dibley
17:39Yes, that is the headline
17:41I tell you, kids
17:43If I don't watch out
17:45I'm going to turn into the most famous religious personality in the country
17:49What, more famous than Jesus?
17:51I'm not as famous as Jesus, obviously
17:53He's had longer to work on his act
17:55But as my sister Wendy
17:57Well, out of the pool, tooth girl
18:00The thing I love about you
18:03Is the way you're famous
18:04But you haven't changed at all
18:06Morning, Vicar
18:16I got the paper
18:18Oh, exciting
18:19My moment of glory
18:21What's it like?
18:22What's it like?
18:23Well, it's not exactly what I expected
18:25Oh, my
18:27God knows how this happened
18:30What's the story, Frank?
18:32Well, he came round asking for crazy anecdotes about you
18:36And I told him about the service for animals
18:38And you dressing up as an Easter bunny
18:40Right
18:41And he waited
18:43While I double-checked the dates
18:45And tried to get absolutely all the details right
18:48And then
18:50He wrote this
18:57I'm so sorry
18:58I don't know what to say
18:59Oh, and Hugo
19:01I don't think they're meant to be rude
19:03Though you can't deny it's a possibility
19:10I'm damn sure they're meant to be rude about me
19:14End me
19:19I told you it would all end in tears
19:25You've put yourself above your own community
19:28You've forgotten why you came here
19:31Frankly, we feel used
19:33And we feel betrayed
19:35Have you anything to say?
19:39Well, let's move on, shall we?
19:47It's a sad day
19:48Oh, Alice, I've been such a fool
20:14How am I ever going to sort this mess out?
20:20Well, I do have one idea
20:22That I think just might work
20:25Really?
20:28Let's hear it then
20:30Well, there was this man on TV
20:33And his girlfriend was quite ill
20:36In fact, she was dead
20:37What he did was
20:41Which was quite clever, really
20:42He flew up into outer space
20:45And he flew round the world so quickly
20:47That he made time go backwards
20:49Till the girl actually got better again
20:53And I thought maybe
20:55You could do the same thing
20:57And make everyone like you again
21:00This man
21:02He wasn't called Superman
21:04Yeah
21:04I don't think that idea's going to work, Alice
21:11Well, it's on to plan B, then
21:14Which is?
21:15Quite clever
21:16You kill yourself
21:20Right
21:22And then everyone will say
21:24That's a pity
21:25I quite liked her, actually
21:28Anything else?
21:31A little less final?
21:34Oh, well, there's always plan C, of course
21:36Which actually is, in fact, my personal favourite
21:38And it all takes place
21:40On the night of the gala
21:41You can be
21:56You can be
21:57You can be
22:00You can be
22:02Wait for it, wait for it
22:17And now, an impression
22:35Of my second cousin, Wilfred
22:38Hello, Frank
22:41I'm going to have my tonsils out
22:44I've got my shotgun in the van
22:48Load both barrels
22:49Now, an impression
22:52Of my second cousin, Wilfred
22:54After he had his tonsils out
22:57Hello, Frank
23:04Get a move on, you strange and insane idiot
23:11Wait
23:13Ladies and gentlemen
23:15I am proud to introduce
23:18Raising money for the nursery
23:21Our star guest
23:23In a unique performance
23:25Entitled
23:26The Mirror
23:27The star of the Royal Ballet
23:30Miss
23:31Darcy
23:33Bussell
23:34Yeah
23:34Well
23:48I
23:50Got a move on
23:50Give my
23:51Thank you
23:51It's
23:51What
23:51Who
23:52Who
23:53Who
23:55Who
23:55Who
24:03Who
26:35Why would anyone be stupid enough to want fame and fortune when you can have the stars at night and a proper friend by your side?
26:45Oh, nice.
27:24I don't know.
27:25What do you call a budgie that's been run over by a lawnmower?
27:28Shredded tweet.
27:30So the budgie's dead, Ben?
27:34Yes, as you can say, it's shredded tweet.
27:36Yes, as you can say, it's shredded tweet.
27:37I didn't even see the lawnmower come on.
27:44How could he know that death was just round the corner?
27:47Yes, look.
27:48I'm not going to tell you these jokes anymore if you're going to keep on responding like this.
27:52It's not a real budgie, okay?
27:54It's not a real lawnmower.
27:56It's just a joke.
27:58So the budgie's not dead?
28:00No.
28:01It never got born.
28:02Never got born?
28:03No.
28:04Poor little thing.
28:07Oh, so much beauty.
28:11So much potential.
28:13It never got born.
28:15Never saw the light of the sun or felt the genital rustle of the breeze through its feathers.
28:21Never went.
28:22Twiggle, twiggle, twiggle.
28:23Give me my cup, please.
28:24Get out now.
28:25Go on.
28:26Get out.
28:27Get out.
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