- 2 months ago
First broadcast 24th November 1994.
Vicar Geraldine hopes to better the previous year's takings for the Autumn Fayre by finding a huge star to open it.
Geraldine Granger Dawn French
David Horton Gary Waldhorn
Hugo Horton James Fleet
Alice Tinker Emma Chambers
Letitia Cropley Liz Smith
Frank Pickle John Bluthal
Jim Trott Trevor Peacock
Owen Newitt Roger Lloyd Pack
Herself Kylie Minogue
Vicar Geraldine hopes to better the previous year's takings for the Autumn Fayre by finding a huge star to open it.
Geraldine Granger Dawn French
David Horton Gary Waldhorn
Hugo Horton James Fleet
Alice Tinker Emma Chambers
Letitia Cropley Liz Smith
Frank Pickle John Bluthal
Jim Trott Trevor Peacock
Owen Newitt Roger Lloyd Pack
Herself Kylie Minogue
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want,
00:06He made a vision I shall be free,
00:11He made a vision I shall be free,
00:15He made a vision I shall be free,
00:21He made a vision I shall be free,
00:36Right, I call this meeting of the Dibley Parish Council to order item one,
00:42do we have any apologies?
00:43No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes.
00:45Yes, Jim?
00:47No, no, no, no, yes, I'm sorry, I missed the bridge evening yesterday.
00:54No, you don't have to apologise for that, Jim.
00:57No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I want to.
01:02No, I mean, apologies mean you only have to apologise for not being here.
01:12But I am here.
01:14But I could go away, if you like,
01:18and then come back and apologise for not being here next time.
01:27Moving on.
01:28Item two, mindless vandalism.
01:32Oh, yes.
01:33As you probably know, we have an outbreak of graffiti in the village.
01:35Oh, yes, I saw that.
01:37I don't think you're a prat, Mr Horton.
01:43No-one said I was.
01:44Yes, some buggers scrawled Mr Horton's a total prat on the Scalphart wall.
01:50We also seem to have acquired a village pus office.
01:56Are you keeping up, Frank?
01:57Yes, Horton's a total prat.
01:59Well, let's just keep an eye out for them, shall we?
02:04Especially the little bastard who's tampered with the sign for the tuck shop.
02:08Oh, yes.
02:11Right.
02:12Moving on.
02:13Tuck shop.
02:14Sorry I'm late, everyone.
02:15I've been reading a very interesting theory about St John's Gospel.
02:26Apparently it was written by someone called Susan.
02:28Amazing.
02:29Do continue.
02:30I'm sorry to report that last night's bridge evening, which Frank arranged, was a disaster.
02:37However, there was an exception.
02:39This village is known for its community spirit and we will have ample opportunity to demonstrate
02:44that again at the autumn fair, which I shall be organising.
02:49And I'm confident that we can equal last year's record of £270.
02:54Is that all you got?
02:55And I've seen bras that cost more than that.
03:01Well, no, it's not live aid.
03:03We did just dip below the £60 million mark last time, Brad.
03:07The woman's right.
03:08All that effort for £200.
03:10I propose that we all bung in £40 now and forget the whole thing.
03:16It does bring the village together, then.
03:19It brings it together thinking what a bloody pain in the arse this is.
03:23Look, I'm all in favour of the fair.
03:28I just think we need it to make more cash.
03:30And does Sir Geraldine Geldof have any ideas how to raise our first mill?
03:36Well, let's start at the top.
03:38The crucial thing is who opens it.
03:40I mean, if you start off with a pompous nobody, you do.
03:44I bet you were scuppered last year, yeah?
03:47By a complete local zero, yeah?
03:49Oh, yeah.
03:50Can anyone remember who it was?
03:54It was me.
03:57David, a pompous nobody.
04:01The awful truth, David, is we'd probably pull a bigger crowd with someone famous.
04:05Churchill.
04:06Oh, yeah.
04:10Winston Churchill.
04:11He's very famous.
04:13Er, Win...
04:14I was thinking more of someone still alive.
04:16Yes.
04:17Brilliant.
04:18Smart thinking, Top Cat.
04:19Yeah.
04:20Like a television personality, perhaps.
04:22You mean...
04:23Michael Fish?
04:24Well, perhaps David is the perfect choice after all.
04:29Oh, no.
04:30No, you have made it quite clear that I am not good enough.
04:34I'm sure that Mr Fish or his celebrity friends, Mr Vegetable or Mrs Potato,
04:40will be happy to oblige.
04:42Right.
04:43If there is no other business, we meet in a fortnight.
04:45Good night.
04:46Oh, dear.
04:47What about Jack from House of Elliot?
04:49He's pretty cool.
04:50Yeah.
04:51Oh, I was thinking more of Daniel Day-Lewis.
04:54Although maybe old boyfriends aren't such a good idea, eh?
04:57You could try Ed the Duck.
04:59He's pretty charismatic.
05:01Yes.
05:03Do you think what I have given the people of this village?
05:05Yes.
05:06Gave them disinterest last year when that slurry fell in the river.
05:10I've given them everything.
05:12A cup for the flower show.
05:13The David Horton cup.
05:14A bench for the green.
05:15The David Horton bench.
05:16A hut for the scouts.
05:18The scout hut.
05:19Dedicated to David Horton.
05:20And what have I got out of it?
05:23Nothing.
05:24I even provided the land for the bowling club.
05:26A crucial village amenity.
05:28And what did they give me in return?
05:30Money, wasn't it?
05:32Still, this big celebrity is pretty exciting, isn't it?
05:35I wonder who she'll get.
05:36Mel Gibson?
05:37Kevin Cosner?
05:38Princess Diana?
05:40So Babs just isn't available at all.
05:43And what about the other Beverly sisters?
05:46No.
05:47Sorry.
05:48Perhaps his daughter could do it.
05:49No, no, no.
05:50I'm sure she'll be perfect.
05:51Is she a singer?
05:52Chiropodist.
05:53Well, that doesn't necessarily matter, does it?
05:56I'm sure she'll be lovely.
05:57Can you excuse me a moment?
05:58What am I saying?
06:00I'm getting excited by this chiropodist daughter of a Beverly sister.
06:03No, no, no.
06:04Hello again.
06:06Obviously, I'm going to have to consult with my committee on that and get back to you.
06:10Yeah.
06:11Out of interest, how much does she charge?
06:13Uh-huh.
06:14And that's for the full massage.
06:16Excellent.
06:18Lovely.
06:19Thank you very much.
06:20Bye-bye.
06:21Afternoon, Vicar.
06:22Hello.
06:23Have you got a lovely guest star yet?
06:25Not as such, no.
06:27Don't worry.
06:28I had a dream.
06:29An angel told me this fair would be wonderful.
06:32Alice, sweetheart.
06:34An angel told you that Prince Charles was going to marry Sinead O'Connor, didn't it?
06:39I think that might be quite a naughty angel.
06:42But I am going to help so hard.
06:45Oh?
06:46Look.
06:47Oh.
06:48I've made some soft toys to sell.
06:51Right.
06:52Well, this one's an elephant.
06:54Well, you can see it is.
06:56Yes.
06:57It's a lovely elephant.
06:59And this is another elephant.
07:02Right.
07:03They don't look very, very similar, do they?
07:07No.
07:08Well, they wouldn't because that one's an Indian elephant.
07:10Right.
07:11You can tell by the ears, you see.
07:13Yes.
07:14Because it's got three, hasn't it?
07:15That's its trunk, silly.
07:18Oh.
07:19Now that is a super elephant with a proper trunk and everything.
07:23That's a giraffe.
07:25That's its neck.
07:26What have you stuffed it with?
07:27Foam?
07:28No, pasta.
07:29Pasta.
07:30Pasta?
07:31Yes.
07:32And I cooked it first, you know, so it's all nice and swashy.
07:35But they can still stand up and everything.
07:38Sort of.
07:39Alice.
07:40Alice.
07:41Listen.
07:42I don't think you've been reading your epistles properly, have you?
07:44Because in St. Paul's letter to the Ephesians, he distinctly says, my brothers, I ask of
07:49you only two things.
07:51First, love the Lord.
07:53And second, stop using pasta in your soft toys.
07:56No, no, no.
07:57Come on.
07:58Come on.
07:59I've had an idea.
08:00Why don't we just sell these and not tell people what they are?
08:04Let's say that they're mysterious creatures from another planet or something.
08:08Hey, we could give the planet a name.
08:10Yeah.
08:11Yeah.
08:12The planet elephant.
08:13Yeah.
08:14Yeah.
08:15Or not.
08:16I'll put the kettle on.
08:18Good afternoon, Vicar.
08:19Hello, David.
08:20Lovely to see you.
08:21Come in.
08:22And Hugo.
08:23Looking virtually edible in that radical new jacket.
08:26Who does, really?
08:27I didn't know flirting was on the syllabus of theological colleges.
08:30Oh, yeah.
08:31It's the whole second year.
08:33I need to put your star guest in the village newsletter.
08:37Not having difficulties, I hope?
08:38Well, yes, actually.
08:40Look, I had three of the Nolans in the palm of my hand.
08:44Oh, dear.
08:45I am mortified.
08:47I had such high hopes.
08:49The thought of Michael Fish.
08:51Michael Fish!
08:53The fish-ter in our little village.
08:57Did you know the Vicar once went out with Daniel Day-Lewis?
09:02Did you?
09:03Yeah.
09:04But, apparently, they split up.
09:07Oh, no wonder he looks so skinny and tense and decided to become a Mohican.
09:14Yeah.
09:16It must be terrible not to be with the woman you love.
09:22Oh, yeah.
09:23Terrible not, isn't it?
09:27I know someone who knows Debbie McGee's Gardener.
09:31Would he be big enough?
09:32Come along, Hugo.
09:33Sorry, Father.
09:34See you later.
09:35Bye, Vicar.
09:36Bye.
09:37The trouble is I don't know anyone famous.
09:41Well, join the club.
09:43The only showbiz person that I know is my second cousin, but I haven't seen him since I was four.
09:48His name was Reg Dwight.
09:50His mum, right, got cross at me because I pulled his hair to stop him playing the piano when a whole handful came out.
10:00Reg Dwight.
10:03We called him Baldy.
10:05Unfortunately, we didn't see that side of the family after that.
10:10Reg Dwight.
10:11Alice.
10:12Hmm?
10:13I think it's time you contacted your little cousin.
10:15Oh, all right.
10:17Oh, it would be nice to see old specky four eyes again.
10:20Now, look.
10:22You mean he turned into Elton John?
10:26Yes!
10:28God's path is for walking, Alice.
10:44Yes, it is for me.
10:51Trip back!
10:52He's gonna come!
10:58Sad, isn't it, when people fail?
11:03They have their little dreams and they just don't quite make it.
11:07Jeremy Bates, Peter Sarstedt, Graham Taylor, our vicar.
11:11You don't think she's found anyone?
11:13Hugo, our vicar has as many connections with the rich and famous as I have with the Black Panther movement.
11:18Mark my words, they'll soon be begging me to open the fair.
11:23Elton John!
11:24Well, that's pretty good, isn't it, Father?
11:25Elton John!
11:26Hello, handsome.
11:27And David, how are you?
11:28In perfect health.
11:29Hooray!
11:30We're all hunky-dory here.
11:31It seemed to me that she lived her life like a candle in the wind.
11:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no doubt about that.
11:56Jolly good name.
11:57I'd love to take the credit, but of course it's all down to lovely Alice.
12:01Three cheers for Alice.
12:02We won't let the sun go down on her.
12:05I'm running my own stall, too.
12:09Creatures from the planet Elton.
12:11Good Lord.
12:12That looks like an Indian elephant.
12:14Oh, does it?
12:15What about you, Jim?
12:17Got a stall?
12:18No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
12:21I'm doing the loud speaking announcements.
12:24I forget who did it last time.
12:29At least this year we've got a professional judge doing the flowers instead of some awful amateur.
12:37Who was it last time?
12:40Right.
12:41I'll let you get on with it, then.
12:43Come on, Hugo.
12:44Come here, Father.
12:45Great giraffe, too.
12:46Brilliant just leaving out the head.
12:49Ah.
12:50Now, Vicar, I've heard about these rock star types and I'm rather afraid you'd be expecting someone to supply some drugs.
12:58Yes?
13:00Problem is, I've been asking down the pub and no one seems to have any heroin.
13:05Do you think night nurse will do?
13:10Absolutely.
13:11Works every time.
13:12Good thinking, Owen.
13:13This is Tom.
13:14Isn't it time you always stay?
13:15It's the last minute idea I had.
13:16We're having a fashion parade at the end of the fade and people have to come as characters from everything.
13:29Come as characters from Elton John's songs, you see.
13:31Oh, look at Mrs. C!
13:33Now, Mrs. Cropley, am I mistaken or did Mr. John write a song about Danny LaRue?
13:39No, Marilyn Monroe.
13:42It seemed to him she lived her life like a candle in the wind, never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in.
13:54I think you'll find, David, that Jim is our star turn.
13:57Come in, Jim Trot.
13:59Skinhead, Saturday night's all right for the party now.
14:10Yes, well, much as I'd like to dress up like someone who's had their brains surgically removed, Vicar,
14:16I'm afraid you'll find that myself and Hugo will not have the time to join in this particular piece of high-class entertainment.
14:22Hugo!
14:23I'm Dorothy, Wizard of Oz. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.
14:32I borrowed one of Alice's dresses.
14:35Sorry, Father.
14:36Sorry, Father.
14:37We should be here in a minute.
15:02Oh, I can't wait.
15:04Eyes closed.
15:05Oh, okay.
15:06Keep them closed.
15:07Yeah.
15:08Oh!
15:09Can't do very well.
15:13Right.
15:14Yeah.
15:15Open.
15:16He's gonna love these.
15:18He wears these sort of things all the time.
15:19I know, I know.
15:20And they're perfect, aren't they?
15:22Yeah.
15:23He's here!
15:24Ah!
15:25Ah!
15:26Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
15:31Well, obviously not.
15:32Oh, come on.
15:33No!
15:34Hi, Elton, Elton.
15:35Hi.
15:36Hello.
15:37Hello.
15:38I believe you're expecting me, Reg Dwight.
15:40No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:41No, no, no, no, no.
15:42No, no, no, no, no.
15:43Parking is allowed on the other field.
15:45No, no, no, no, no.
15:46No refreshments will be available in the refreshment tent.
15:47Well, tremendous to see you, Reg Dwight.
15:48I'll tell you, this is gonna be a day I'll never forget.
15:49Yes, I think it's gonna stick in my memory, too.
15:50See you, little Alice, after all these years.
15:51See you, little Alice, after all these years.
15:52Yes.
15:53She should come round in a minute.
15:54She should come round in a minute.
15:55It's probably just the thrill.
15:56No, no, no, no, no, no parking is allowed on the other field.
16:01No, no, no, no, no refreshments will be available in the refreshment tent.
16:07Well, tremendous to see you, Reg Dwight.
16:12I'll tell you, this is gonna be a day I'll never forget.
16:14Yes, I think it's gonna stick in my memory, too.
16:17See you, little Alice, after all these years.
16:19Yes.
16:20She should come round in a minute.
16:22It's probably just the thrill of seeing you again, Reg Dwight.
16:28I'd better just help her out.
16:30Come on, clever, talented little Alice from such a tight-knit family.
16:34Head between your legs, do you?
16:36It's quite an honour to be asked to open a village fair.
16:39I've never been asked to open more than a window before now.
16:42You? Never asked to open a fair?
16:45Unbelievable.
16:46It's a mad world, isn't it? It's just nuts.
16:48Well, well, except the once.
16:50And it turned out they didn't really want me at all.
16:52They wanted Elton John, you see.
16:54Because his name used to be Reg Dwight.
16:57I didn't know that!
16:59Still, see you like old Elton.
17:02Yes, yes.
17:04Or that?
17:05No, that's just a coincidence that that's playing.
17:07This?
17:08Completely bored with that now.
17:09Do sit down, Reg Dwight.
17:12Reg Dwight.
17:14What?
17:17Oh, that?
17:18That's just Ben Elton.
17:21Oh, er, I've brought one of my tapes if you're interested.
17:24Yeah.
17:25That's the live album.
17:27The blues is what I'll sing.
17:29Yes, well, that should capture the mood of the entire audience perfectly.
17:35Excuse me just a mini-moment.
17:37Hello, Alice.
17:38Is he right yet?
17:39Yes, and no.
17:40Is he the same as on television?
17:42Not exactly, no.
17:43Oh.
17:44Oh.
17:45Oh.
17:46Hello, there.
17:47He looks a completely different person without his week.
17:50That is because he is a completely different person.
17:53Hello, mates.
17:54Hello.
17:55Where's Elton John?
17:56Oh.
17:57Oh.
17:58Hello.
17:59Where's Elton John?
18:00Oh.
18:01Oh.
18:02Oh.
18:03Oh.
18:04Oh.
18:05Oh.
18:06Oh.
18:07Oh.
18:08Oh.
18:09Oh.
18:10Oh.
18:11welcome.
18:12Oh.
18:13What are you?
18:15Who are you?
18:16You were expecting Elton John, weren't you?
18:21No.
18:22No.
18:24No.
18:25No.
18:26No.
18:27Or, if I'm honest, yes.
18:34If I were you, I'd ask that Mr Dwight to open it, vicar.
18:38it vicar if he can fool me and frank he can fool anyone yes well i'm afraid you're not typical rock
18:45fans oh i've got a gilbert o'sullivan record the one where he fancies his little niece no no no no
18:53i'm just gonna have to go out there and be honest with them it's the only way yeah yeah how does
18:57this sound ladies and gentlemen unfortunately i just received a phone call from elton john
19:03and he's very very sick in fact he's dead no no no no parking is allowed in the upper field
19:20or parking is allowed in the upper field no no no no no no no parking is allowed on the upper field
19:33okay
19:42david hello i've just been told the news what a total and utter unmitigated cock-up i thought
19:48the fear in 87 was embarrassing enough when those bloody kids put cannabis in the cupcakes but this
19:53really is the queen of balls-ups hundreds of people waiting to see elton john and you invite rambling
20:00sid rumpo david this is red white i bet it is i hope you're satisfied i rather like the fear in 87
20:08such luck david would you like to just come here a moment you see the thing is somebody's got to go
20:19out there and tell the crowd about the change in the lineup yeah now obviously i would love to do it
20:25but unfortunately women's problems of the most dramatic nature i mean to be honest i can't even
20:32walk never mind leave the house but i was just wondering whether you would do the honors instead
20:37no fair enough it was worth a try
20:46is martin john in your house uh ask the vicar
20:49where's he coming out he came out years ago
20:59all i've done for you i could have been a prima ballerina hello
21:02yes
21:07i'm sorry to interrupt has elton arrived
21:10elton yeah i i heard he was opening the fair i thought i'd just drop by and surprise him
21:16oh god oh god thank you mate kindly i'm gonna come clean with you you totally fabulous woman
21:25there's been a bit of a hiccup on the elton front well not so much a hiccup more like a huge great big
21:30belch with an accidental bit of sick in it you wouldn't do me the teeniest favor would you
21:35like what may i just say one thing before i reply to that if you do this no matter what you do on
21:44earth sex drugs ritual satanism i can guarantee you the best seat in heaven even god right next to
21:52each other jesus rosie elvis serving the drinks gandy sodden huh well my mother did always tell me
22:03never say no to a priest i love your mother
22:10kyle has ever thought of going into the priesthood yourself uh no i can't say i have oh you'd be so
22:15good at it from goddess to priestess in one simple move you might have to think about changing your
22:19wardrobe church of england hasn't come to terms with hot pants yet i know i've tried ladies and
22:25gentlemen there has been a slight change to the published schedule for today slight as in hitler
22:32was slightly nasty i'm afraid elton john won't be able to join us isn't like a wonderful thing
22:40sometimes but we are delighted to welcome in his stead one of oxfordshire's most popular entertainers yes
22:49it's reg dwight what a cool
22:59and just for you here today we are so lucky lucky lucky lucky to have with us the genuinely perfect
23:07i don't care what the bible says about girls kissing girls i'd snog her any day the one the only kylie minogue
23:15i can't believe it i cannot believe it who incidentally is thinking of taking holy orders
23:28next autumn so enjoy her while you can isn't it fabulous father yes isn't it she's always been one
23:36of my favorite contemporary entertainers ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure to declare
23:44the dibley fair officially open
23:55holding hands and skimming stones
23:57and now please the award for the most misshapen vegetable we have owen newitt's potato
24:24jim trotts parsnip and hugo horton's carrot in the shape of david meller
24:33and the winner is hugo horton
24:41just kiss him okay don't ask any questions just kiss him please congratulations
24:52thank you
25:01La la la la la la
25:04La la la la la
25:08La la la la la
25:11But the years went by and Rob just died
25:15Susie went and left us for some foreign guide
25:18Long nights driving by the record machine
25:21Dreaming of my Chevy and my old blue jeans
25:24But they never do the truth we try
25:27Oh, that's lovely.
25:29You wouldn't have any lippy for a vicar with attitude, would you?
25:35Oh, great. Now give me the dirt on Prince.
25:39Oh, I can't.
25:41I said, give me the dirt on Prince.
25:45Well...
25:47La la la la
25:51La la la la la
25:55La la la la la
25:57Thank you very much indeed.
26:03And we're pleased to announce the amount we've raised today is...
26:07This is without the bid for Mrs Cropley's orange cake with the delicious Branston pickle icing
26:13£3,456
26:19Well done, did we?
26:23Did you see the way she kissed Hugo?
26:33No, no, no, no, I don't call that a kiss
26:35What do you call it, Jim?
26:37No, no, no, no, I call that a snog
26:39Come on
26:41Come on
26:43No, I think he's right
26:45I wouldn't be surprised if there were wedding bells before too long
26:47Oh, don't be silly
26:49No, she'll never come back to the village
26:52Lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place
26:54No, no, no, no, no, it does
26:56Does it?
26:57Oh, yes, my father was struck twice by lightning
27:00Good Lord, how did he feel afterwards?
27:02Heavy
27:03I buried him the next day
27:05Joy, goodness, and mercy
27:12Shall follow me
27:15Through the days of my life
27:18Where I will live in the heart of the Lord forever
27:33So three nuns get killed in a car crash
27:40Oh, dear
27:42Yeah, and they get up to heaven
27:43Of course
27:44And Peter's at the gates and he says
27:45I'm afraid you're going to have to answer a question before you can come in
27:48Oh
27:49So he says to the first one
27:51Don't worry, the questions are very easy
27:53What was the name of the first woman?
27:56And she says Eve
27:57And he says, yeah, you're in
27:58So he says to the second one
28:00Where did Eve live?
28:02Oh, yeah, fine
28:03Yeah, yeah, yeah
28:04And she says, garden of Eden
28:06And he says, yeah, you're in
28:07For you
28:08And he says to the third one
28:09Which was the mother superior
28:11I'm afraid the question's going to have to be a little bit more tricky for you
28:14Well, fair enough
28:15Yeah, obviously
28:16Isn't it?
28:17And he says to her
28:18What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?
28:22And the mother superior says, oh, that's a hard one
28:25He says, yeah, you're in
28:26You're in
28:31No, she hadn't answered the question
28:33Pardon?
28:34She hadn't answered the question
28:35How do we?
28:36Well, he let her in
28:37And she didn't know what it was
28:38Yeah, it just doesn't work, does it, as a joke?
28:40No
28:41Just that end bit needs a jig
28:42Yeah, well, I'm going to send it back anyway
28:43Stupid, that one
28:44Not sure about that one
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