- 6 weeks ago
First broadcast 25th December 2006.
Alice has worked out the clues in the Da Vinci Code and concluded - somewhat worryingly - that she is the last living descendant of Jesus Christ. Meanwhile, the Vicar is fed up with rich townies buying weekend cottages in her beloved Dibley - until she meets one of them.
Geraldine Granger Dawn French
David Horton Gary Waldhorn
Hugo Horton James Fleet
Alice Horton Emma Chambers
Frank Pickle John Bluthal
Jim Trott Trevor Peacock
Owen Newitt Roger Lloyd Pack
Harry Richard Armitage
Alice has worked out the clues in the Da Vinci Code and concluded - somewhat worryingly - that she is the last living descendant of Jesus Christ. Meanwhile, the Vicar is fed up with rich townies buying weekend cottages in her beloved Dibley - until she meets one of them.
Geraldine Granger Dawn French
David Horton Gary Waldhorn
Hugo Horton James Fleet
Alice Horton Emma Chambers
Frank Pickle John Bluthal
Jim Trott Trevor Peacock
Owen Newitt Roger Lloyd Pack
Harry Richard Armitage
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
00:06He may get me to lie down in green gardens.
00:11He leadeth me beside the stable water.
00:23Still water.
00:30And I was down to the last two boxes.
00:35£250,000 in one box, 10p in the other.
00:42And the banker offered me £100,000.
00:46And no, no, no, no, no, no, Noel Edmonds asked me the question, deal or no deal?
00:58Well, I wanted a deal, so I said, no, no, no, no, no deal.
01:10And for some reason that I cannot fathom, they thought I meant no, no, no, no deal.
01:24And what was in your box?
01:2810p.
01:30Right.
01:30Any other business?
01:32Uh, yes, actually, there is something.
01:34I was very cross to hear that Sleepy Cottage has been sold to yet another layabout Londoner.
01:40I mean, honestly, guys, if this goes on, Dibley will be a ghost town.
01:44And then...
01:44Who are you going to call?
01:46Ghostbusters!
01:48Yes, well, I'd love to know which selfish, mean, I don't care about the village community at all, money-grabbing bastard sold them Sleepy Cottage in the first place.
01:58Father did.
02:00For, uh, half a million quid, wasn't it, Father?
02:02Yes, that's right.
02:03Oh, that, that, that really makes my blood boil.
02:06Yeah, you go get him, big boy.
02:08I only got 80,000 quid for my converted barn.
02:12Now, why didn't I get more?
02:13Possibly because you converted it into an abattoir.
02:18You know what really gets on my tits?
02:20Now I'm awake.
02:24Stop it, Owen.
02:26This place is now so full of absent townies that nothing goes on here anymore.
02:31You forget cockfighting.
02:33Every Thursday night, bring your own bucket.
02:36And the hurling championships.
02:38See who can vomit the furthest every Tuesday.
02:41Bring your own bucket.
02:44Yes, those things are lovely, but I do think the time has come for us to have some new activities.
02:49So, I've decided that I'm going to start an art class and a book club.
02:56So, would anyone be interested?
02:58Oh, good.
02:59Oh, well, top fun ahead.
03:01Anybody got any other thoughts?
03:03Yes, yes, yes.
03:04What, what, what?
03:05Well, if there's going to be so much activity going on, I think we need a village newsletter.
03:08Excellent, Hugo.
03:10Classic way of getting all the villagers talking to each other.
03:12Yes, all saying, have you read this?
03:14Absolute rubbish.
03:16Shush, David.
03:17It means that everyone can have their own jobs.
03:19Like Owen.
03:21Photography, please.
03:22I've had my work accepted by several publications, including Man and Horse magazine.
03:29Oh, well, I'd love to see a copy of that.
03:33Unfortunately, the police seized them all.
03:35All right, moving on.
03:39Jim?
03:40Agony aunt?
03:41Can I wear a frock?
03:43Yes, if you like.
03:44Yes, right.
03:45Hugo?
03:45Can I do hard news?
03:47I doubt it, but the job's yours anyway.
03:50Frank?
03:50Can I do a light-hearted occasional series about the semantic origins of local landmarks and the a priori cephalogical implications of 18th century land sales?
04:06No.
04:08David, what about you?
04:10I'll do the obituary column.
04:12But it's been years since anyone's died in this village.
04:14We live in hope.
04:15Right, well, excellent.
04:20We've got a plan.
04:21Hooray.
04:22OK, over to you, David.
04:24Yes, well, there is one little thing.
04:25I brought along a bottle of champagne.
04:27Because although she may not realise it, the vicar last weekend did her 100th wedding while she's been here.
04:36Oh, I know.
04:37Really?
04:38A hundred?
04:39Goodness me.
04:40So that's a hundred happy-in-love brides and grooms.
04:45And I'm always the vicar.
04:47I'm never the bride.
04:51I'm always in the cassock.
04:54I'm never in the lovely big white frock.
04:56Oh, come on.
04:58Someone say something to cheer her up.
05:01I'll marry you, Dolly Knockers.
05:04Oh, God!
05:05Shut up!
05:06I've been reading that fantastic new book from the Bible.
05:16What fantastic new book from the Bible?
05:19The Da Vinci Code.
05:21Do you know, it's so much better than Genesis and that boring old stuff.
05:26I need to tell you, Ellis, The Da Vinci Code is not a new book in the Bible.
05:31It's just a story.
05:33Oh, that is so disappointing.
05:34I know.
05:36To think the Catholic Church has fooled you as well, Mrs Gullible Gusset.
05:42That's what they want you to believe.
05:45And I've been thinking.
05:47Oh, always a worry.
05:48Well, you know how Jesus married Mary Magdalene and how their descendants are still alive today,
05:55but their true identities are hidden in these Da Vinci Codes?
05:58Oh, I have a horrible feeling I know where you're going with this.
06:01And you know how Mary Magdalene is the chalice that received Jesus' seed?
06:07Yep, you're going there.
06:11Well, the code is so obvious.
06:13What name rhymes with chalice?
06:18Let me just get this straight.
06:20You believe that you, Alice, are the direct descendant of Jesus Christ?
06:24Well, it's hard to come to any other conclusion with the evidence available.
06:29I mean, think about it.
06:30Why have I had so many children?
06:32Because you don't know how condoms work!
06:37Because my holy quest is to populate the earth with God's children.
06:42And here's the clincher.
06:44When I first asked my mother who my real father was, why did she say, God knows?
06:53Look, Alice...
06:55Do not worry, my child.
06:57The knowledge that I am Christ's offspring on earth will not change me.
07:04Well, that's a shame.
07:06Meanwhile, back in the real world...
07:08Yes?
07:09I'm off to Sleepy Cottage to visit that new bloke.
07:12Do you want to come with me?
07:13Oh, lovely.
07:13What, to welcome him into our happy community?
07:16No, to tell him I'm fed up with rich Londoners taking over our village.
07:20And that he can either get stuck in or sod off.
07:23Yeah, you go, girl.
07:24And I'll tell him who my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather is.
07:29Oh, Jesus Christ.
07:32Precisely.
07:35Come on, then.
07:35Let's give this metropolitan wanker a piece of our mind.
07:38Actually, on second thoughts, I'll just keep him a piece of my mind, shall I?
07:42Cos you haven't got much to spare.
07:43You are such a teen.
07:44No, seriously, you haven't.
07:46Oh.
07:57Oh, typical.
07:59So damn snotty.
08:00Mr. Townie Tosser can't even be bothered to answer the door to us common country folk.
08:07We absolutely hate him, don't we?
08:10We loathe him.
08:12We loathe him.
08:13And everything he stands for.
08:18Oh, hello.
08:21Hello.
08:21Hello.
08:22Can you come in?
08:25Yes, lovely.
08:28Oh, isn't it lovely?
08:29Sorry, it's a bit of a mess.
08:31Oh, I just moved out of this stupid big vat in London.
08:34It's going to be a bit of a squeeze, squeezing it all in.
08:36So, well, if you see anything you like the look of, just steal it.
08:40I'll never know.
08:41Really?
08:41No, not really.
08:44Oh, I'm Harry, by the way.
08:45Sorry.
08:46All over the shop today.
08:47Oh, right, and I'm Geraldine.
08:49I just live down the lane.
08:50Excellent.
08:51Yeah.
08:51And I'm Alice.
08:53Splendid.
08:54Wow.
08:56What a surprise to actually receive a visit from a neighbour.
08:59Lived on the same street in London for 15 whole years.
09:01The bell never rang once.
09:03Oh, we had a bell like that.
09:05We wired it wrong.
09:08So, Harry, lots of books.
09:10Yeah, yeah, lots of books.
09:11Absolutely love them, my weakness.
09:13Me too.
09:14Ignore her.
09:14Excellent.
09:15Your favourite book?
09:16No, really.
09:17Ignore her.
09:18It's tricky.
09:19It's a toss-up between Jill's Gymkhana...
09:21Here we go.
09:22Right.
09:23...and the story of the mole who knew it was none of his business.
09:26Jackpot!
09:27Can't say that I know that one.
09:29Oh, it's great.
09:30It's like a sort of modern mystery thriller.
09:32You see someone, and we don't know who,
09:34does a poo on the head of the little mole.
09:37It's about a poo.
09:40So, Harry, what are your favourite books?
09:42Oh, I don't know.
09:43Pretty traditional stuff, really.
09:44I love John le Carre.
09:46Deeply admire a bird song.
09:49Jill's Gymkhana, of course.
09:51Snap!
09:52And what about you, Geraldine?
09:55Oh, well, I love Jill's Gymkhana.
09:57Snap!
09:58And, er...
09:59Actually, I quite like the Bible.
10:01Ooh, a bit far-fetched from my taste.
10:03Oh, fair enough.
10:05Erm, I love Jane Austen.
10:08Yeah, I think Sense and Sensibility's my favourite.
10:10Well, any of the ones where the girl gets swept off her feet
10:13by a handsome stranger
10:14after a couple of juicy fistfights
10:16and a terrible misunderstanding.
10:17Right!
10:18And, er...
10:19That ever happen to you round here?
10:20Any handsome strangers ever sweep you off your feet?
10:23No, no.
10:26Not yet.
10:29Well, there you go.
10:32Right.
10:35Sorry, sorry.
10:36Erm, do sit down.
10:39You, er...
10:39Entered with a great sense of purpose.
10:41What can I do for you?
10:41Oh, sorry, I almost completely forgot.
10:45We just came, really, to say, you know,
10:46welcome to the village
10:47and, er...
10:49All comers, all welcome here
10:51in the bosom of my bosoms.
10:55But that's our, erm, our village motto.
10:58Erm, I think that was it, wasn't it, Alice?
11:00Yeah.
11:01Oh, apart from the bits about being fed up to the back teeth
11:04with you townie bastards.
11:07Coming to our village
11:08and destroying our local community
11:10with your smug selfishness.
11:14Yeah, apart from that bit.
11:16You townie bastard.
11:20Well, how do you think that went?
11:22Well, up until the minute
11:23we both called him a bastard.
11:25Not bad.
11:26Yeah, I detected definite sexual tension in there.
11:31Did you, really?
11:32Definitely fancied me.
11:34Right?
11:35Well, the way he kept staring at you
11:36and avoiding looking at me.
11:38Classic.
11:39Oh, I fear I've bewitched him
11:41as I bewitch all men.
11:43Oh, and I stole some great stuff, look.
11:48Alice!
11:48No, no, no, no, no.
11:49It doesn't count, you see,
11:50because I'm without sin.
11:52You take that stuff back
11:53at once, madam.
11:57Except that petal.
11:58Yes, I like that.
11:59Oh, I like that little catal.
12:00That's lovely.
12:03Right.
12:04Very exciting.
12:07Calling to order
12:07the very first meeting
12:09of the Dibley Art Club.
12:11Very good attendance.
12:12David, lovely to see you.
12:14Nothing on TV.
12:16The first meeting
12:17is going to be
12:18a life class.
12:20Bravo!
12:20What is a life class?
12:23Well, I don't actually know,
12:24but I just like saying bravo.
12:26Always perks things up a bit, I think.
12:28Well, Hugo,
12:29it's the study of the human body.
12:31Oh, right.
12:32In light of which,
12:34this is Felicity,
12:35our delightful model.
12:36If you'd like to go up there.
12:37And you're going to draw her,
12:39and then we'll all talk about it
12:40at the end, OK?
12:42Now, guys,
12:42I've been an absolute twit,
12:43and I've forgotten
12:44the biscuits I bought
12:45to reward you
12:46for all your hard work.
12:47So I'm just going to nip home.
12:49I'll be back in a few minutes
12:50to check on progress.
12:51So, Felicity,
12:52the dreaded moment has arrived.
12:53So, over to you.
12:54OK.
12:55See you later.
12:55See you later.
12:57Oh.
13:10Hello.
13:11Oh.
13:12Hello.
13:13I was just trying to get
13:14to grips with a village.
13:15Ah.
13:16Mind if I string along?
13:17No, you string along.
13:19You prang along.
13:20You my ding-a-ling-a-long.
13:22Sorry, I'm talking
13:23absolutely terrible.
13:25I, um,
13:25I heard through the grapevine
13:26that we have a woman vicar.
13:28Yes, yes, we do.
13:29Yeah.
13:30How is that?
13:30Is she popular?
13:31Oh, massively.
13:33Around these parts,
13:33she's known as Wonder Woman,
13:35and that's by people
13:35who don't like her.
13:36Yeah?
13:37Yeah.
13:38I'm rather pro-women vicars myself.
13:40There's something quite sexy
13:41about that white-collar thing.
13:43Really?
13:43Yeah, it's a bit like nurses.
13:46Something about the uniform
13:47a man just can't resist.
13:48Really?
13:49Stark, crisp exterior
13:51with a promise of softness beneath.
13:53OK.
13:54Not quite sure about the moral position there.
13:58Don't really think we need the parishioners
13:59thinking about nobbing the vicar.
14:01Yeah.
14:02Yeah, fair point.
14:04And she's probably a very nice,
14:06plain lady with white hair
14:07and smells a bit of lavender.
14:09Well, actually, she...
14:10Actually, I'm going to go this way.
14:11Oh, right.
14:12Because I promised myself
14:13I'd head up the hill today.
14:14Right.
14:14See you around.
14:15OK.
14:16Bye.
14:19Sorry.
14:19Sorry to be cheeky.
14:20Yes.
14:22You're the only sane person
14:23that I've met in this village.
14:24And, um...
14:25I just wondered if you'd fancied
14:27a bite of supper tonight?
14:30Oh, uh...
14:32Blimey, yeah, yes, yes.
14:34I'd love to.
14:35Although, before that,
14:37I think there is something
14:37rather important I should tell you.
14:40There's a phone.
14:41Phone's here.
14:41Sorry.
14:42No, no, it's all right.
14:43I just answered it.
14:45That's fine.
14:45Yeah, speaking.
14:46I'll just stand here.
14:47Wait.
14:47Sorry.
14:49Sorry, this is going to be
14:50a bit of a long one.
14:51Oh.
14:52You know that really important thing
14:53you were going to tell me?
14:54Yeah.
14:55Why don't you tell me tonight?
14:56About eight?
14:57Probably a bit easily, is it?
14:59Yeah.
15:00OK.
15:01Forgive me.
15:02Oh, listen.
15:03I'm good at forgiveness.
15:04That's my job.
15:07OK.
15:08All right.
15:10Oh, it's a date.
15:13I've got a date!
15:16Oh, hello, everyone.
15:18Sorry I'm late.
15:19Tiny distraction.
15:20How did it all go?
15:21Very well, thanks.
15:22Oh, good.
15:23So, how are you doing, boys?
15:26Boys?
15:29Brilliant.
15:31Oh, it's over.
15:33Right.
15:33Well, time to reveal the paintings.
15:36The first Dibley masterpieces.
15:38Watch out, David Hockney.
15:40Here comes David Horton.
15:41Oh, well, I'm not quite sure that I've...
15:44Do you mean to tell me that none of you have done any painting at all?
15:52Who'd be stupid enough to waste their time painting when there's a naked girl sitting in front of you?
15:57Oh, well.
15:58Not a good start, still.
16:00Better luck next week.
16:01Sorry for this, Steve.
16:02It was £10 for the hour, wasn't it?
16:04Here's another 20.
16:05Stick around.
16:06All right, let's see.
16:12Only nine hours to get ready.
16:14Come on!
16:15You're looking lovely.
16:23Thanks.
16:24I came straight from work.
16:26So, what is it that you do?
16:28Oh, well, I was about to say...
16:30No, sorry.
16:30Terrible tread question.
16:32Must get to know you first before I find out what you do.
16:35Imagine, for instance, if someone said they're an accountant.
16:38You're immediately going to think less of them, and there are probably some very gripping accountants.
16:42Yes, absolutely, yes.
16:43I once met an accountant who was, oh, 50 times more interesting than any other accountant I'd ever met.
16:50And what was he like?
16:51He was very dull indeed.
16:54So, Harry, how much time do you think you'll be spending in the village?
16:58Well, I'm going to be a bit of a weekender in reverse.
17:01Right, so you'll not hear our vicar's sermons anyway?
17:04I'm afraid not, no.
17:05Oh, well, that's a pity because I...
17:07Actually, I went out on a date about 100 years ago with someone who was training to be a vicar.
17:11Really?
17:12Funny you should say that because...
17:13Just couldn't get past the dog collar.
17:15I just kept thinking, no, God's watching and he's bigger than me.
17:20Really put me off.
17:22Right.
17:23Anyway, let me guess.
17:25I reckon you're a teacher.
17:27Well, I suppose I am.
17:29Yeah?
17:30What kind of students?
17:32Special needs.
17:36Hello.
17:36Hello, Hugo.
17:37This is Harry.
17:38Hugo, Harry, Hugo.
17:39Hi, Harry, Hugo.
17:40Hello, Hugo.
17:41Nice tie.
17:42Oh, thanks.
17:44So what do you think of our vicar, then?
17:46Well, I must confess, I haven't actually had a chance to get to know her yet.
17:49Ah, yes, brilliant.
17:50She is indeed a mystery to us all.
17:52Ah, what a shame you've got to go away straight away.
17:55Oh, goodbye.
17:55Oh, this vicar's clearly quite something.
17:59Everyone in the village seems to be obsessed with her.
18:01Well, no, I wouldn't say that.
18:02I know her very well.
18:04And actually, she's got massive faults.
18:06Oh, well, haven't we all?
18:08Well, I don't know.
18:09I haven't discovered any of yours yet.
18:13And I, you've.
18:16Oh.
18:17Ah, vicar.
18:18Excellent to see you.
18:19David Horton, head of the village council.
18:21I see you're getting to know the vicar already.
18:23Just after a week.
18:24If you'll excuse me, vicar.
18:28On the subject of the massive faults, obviously I'm a big fat liar.
18:36Well, good night, vicar.
18:43Good night, potential member of the congregation.
18:48That was a lovely evening.
18:49I'd ask you in, but, um, obviously I am a vicar and this is our first date.
18:55So I'm afraid any lip contact is out of the question.
18:59Quite great to do.
19:01Good night, Geraldine.
19:03Good night, Harry.
19:04Lord, I don't do this very often, but just in case any of this on-the-knee stuff actually works,
19:22please, can you let him get a little crush on me?
19:24Just a bit.
19:25Oh, what do you want me to call me?
19:27I just wanted to say, again, that was a wonderful evening.
19:36Yeah, it was.
19:37And I was just out of some clarification, re-dates and kissing.
19:42Ah, right.
19:43Well, um, I would say first date, uh, definitely no.
19:48Right.
19:48Second date, probably no.
19:51Third date, definitely yes.
19:55With tons.
19:58Excellent.
19:59Well, uh, thanks for clearing that up.
20:02Right then.
20:03Bye.
20:04You are good.
20:18You are really good.
20:20Bye.
20:27No excuses this time to just wanted one last look.
20:29There.
20:33Well, see you tomorrow, I hope.
20:35Yeah, well, that would be gorgeous.
20:37Great.
20:38Bye.
20:38Bye.
20:40Oh, by the way, I never did ask you, what is it you do?
20:43I'm an accountant.
20:44Well, welcome to Dibbley Book Club on this glorious evening
20:56when the world is adorable and everyone in it is utterly beautiful,
21:00even Owen.
21:01Are you on drugs?
21:02No, I am not on drugs.
21:04Life is my drug of choice.
21:06Mine too.
21:10Great.
21:10Well, our first book is, um, On Beauty by Zadie Smith
21:15and who'd like to kick off the discussions?
21:18Perhaps Owen.
21:19Oh, right.
21:19Owen?
21:20Well, my first impression was that the author is a very pretty young lady.
21:25Well, that's certainly true.
21:26She's a lovely, lovely girl.
21:29Right, and you got that impression from this photograph
21:31and the jacket cover?
21:33Yes.
21:33Right.
21:34And what did you think about the book itself?
21:36I haven't really got round to that bit.
21:38So you haven't actually read the book?
21:41No.
21:43OK.
21:44Well, can anyone else kick off the discussion?
21:47Excellent.
21:48Exactly what I've been dreading, but excellent.
21:50Alice?
21:51Well, Geraldine, I feel the title says it all.
21:55On Beauty?
21:56Yes.
21:57In what way?
21:58Well, it describes what the book's about.
22:01Black Beauty.
22:03Of course.
22:05Yeah.
22:05Have you read the book, Alice?
22:07Well, I haven't actually finished it yet,
22:10but as I've seen the film of Black Beauty twice,
22:13I thought that would probably do.
22:15How much of the book have you read?
22:19Well, the title.
22:23Just the two words?
22:25Yes, but very impressed by both of them.
22:27Right, I'm smelling a little problem here.
22:31How many of you have actually read the book?
22:34I mean, got past the first page?
22:37No.
22:38Right, so we're having a meeting about this remarkable book
22:41on beauty by Zadie Smith,
22:42who was the Booker Prize nominee.
22:44A brilliant take on Ian Forster's seminal Howard's End,
22:47and none of you have bothered to read even a page of it.
22:51Why don't you just quickly tell us what it's about,
22:54and then we can discuss that.
22:55Right, I think you can.
22:57No, well, all right.
22:59The book this week is On Beauty
23:01by the very lovely Zadie Smith.
23:05She was the Man Booker Prize nominee in 2005.
23:11It's a rather brilliant modern take
23:14on Ian Forster's seminal Howard's End.
23:16And, um...
23:20It's that rare thing,
23:23a novel that is as effective...
23:24You haven't read it either, have you, Vick?
23:26No, I haven't, but neither have you.
23:28It's my house.
23:29Yeah, well, I baked the cake.
23:30I don't have to read the damn book as well, do I?
23:32I'm only here for the cake.
23:34Yeah, me too.
23:36Right, right, look,
23:37just so that this isn't an entirely wasted evening,
23:40let's put these books down,
23:42and let's think of a book that we have all read
23:44that we can discuss.
23:46Yes, but, accepting the fact
23:52that he's obviously suffering a deep depression,
23:55is there any way that any of the normal social escape routes
23:59like friendship, celebration, possessions,
24:02could help to pull him out of it?
24:04Frank?
24:05Well, a mixture of the three could be his salvation.
24:09But are they? Are they?
24:11Well, let's return to the purity of the original text to find out.
24:16When the party was over,
24:18and all his friends had left,
24:21Eeyore still felt fairly gloomy.
24:23You see, there's no change.
24:28Excellent.
24:29At last, the beauty of Dibley can be captured on canvas forever.
24:32I'll be back in 45 minutes,
24:35and I'll expect to see work to rival the greatest artist that ever lived,
24:39Hugo.
24:40Rolf Harris.
24:41Indeed.
24:43What are you doing with that knife, Erwin?
24:45Well, I thought if I chopped one of my ears off,
24:48like Vincent van Gogh,
24:49it might improve the quality of my work.
24:52All right.
24:53Shall we try one first of all with both ears on?
24:56Fair enough.
24:58How about if I chopped one of Jim's ears off, then?
25:01Ooh!
25:02What about Frank's?
25:04Yeah, OK.
25:05OK.
25:05Get out of the way, you weird and bearded lunatics!
25:27Don't come and shave!
25:29All of you!
25:29All of you!
25:35All of you!
25:36All of you!
25:37All of you!
25:38All of you!
25:39All of you!
25:40All of you!
25:45Hi!
25:46Can I imagine bumping into you again?
25:48Yeah, well, it's a small village.
25:50Yeah!
25:52I was just going on a little stroll to nowhere in particular.
25:56Well, what a coincidence,
25:58because nowhere in particular is exactly where I was heading.
26:02Right.
26:03Yeah.
26:04Yeah.
26:05Good to get some exercise.
26:06Yeah.
26:07Oh, I haven't had any exercise for ages.
26:12So, does this, I wonder, constitute the second date?
26:16Ah, tricky one.
26:18More like a half a date, really.
26:20Right.
26:21And what, I wonder, would be the correct level of intimacy for such a moment?
26:26Um...
26:29Ah.
26:30New toys.
26:31Yeah.
26:34So, I bring you up to the most beautiful place in the country,
26:38and the question is, was it worth it?
26:41And the answer is...
26:43No, it wasn't.
26:44No, it wasn't.
26:52Oh, Jesus Christ.
26:53Oh, dear.
26:54Oh, are you all right?
26:55Yeah, I've just been crying, that's all.
26:58Oh, dear.
26:59Yeah.
27:00Shall I come back later?
27:01No, no, no.
27:02Come on in.
27:03Go through.
27:04Ah.
27:05Oh.
27:06Oh.
27:07Are you all right?
27:08Yeah, I've just been crying, that's all.
27:09Oh, dear.
27:10Yeah.
27:11Shall I come back later?
27:12No, no, no.
27:13Come on in.
27:14Go through.
27:15Oh, dear.
27:16Sorry.
27:17I've just been re-watching Sense and Sensibility.
27:18Ah.
27:19Yeah, it's that moment where Emma Thompson finds out that Hugh Grant is not engaged to another
27:32woman, but that he's single and available and that he loves her after all.
27:36Oh, yes.
27:37And she makes that extraordinary noise.
27:40Yeah.
27:41She goes...
27:42Like that.
27:44Like she's...
27:45Giving birth.
27:46Yeah, to some enormous great big giant baby.
27:49Like that.
27:55I don't know.
27:56Somehow it still manages to make me cry.
27:58Although I think it fails on the realism front, to be honest.
28:01Yes.
28:02I mean, I suspect if some bloke you're totally in love with comes around and asks you to
28:05marry him, you could probably resist going, brrrr!
28:08Brrrr!
28:09Yes, you really should.
28:10Yes.
28:11I bet when Brad Pitt asked Angelina Jolie to marry him, she didn't go, oh, Brad!
28:15Brrrr!
28:16Brrrr!
28:17Absolutely not.
28:18Actually, there's a bit of business that I want to get out of the way before the evening
28:24starts.
28:25Um, I've been doing some calculations because I'm an accountant.
28:29Yeah.
28:30And er, well, it seems that you're on the brink of going into some quite serious debt.
28:35Debt?
28:36Yeah.
28:37You see, I've worked out that my visit here tonight could actually constitute a third date.
28:43And er, therefore, you would in fact owe me the sum of one kiss with tongues.
28:51And er, I would hate for you to get into arrears.
28:58Well, obviously, I would like to double-check those figures.
29:04Um...
29:05So, the first date was the dinner, wasn't it?
29:10Yeah, yeah.
29:11The second date was sort of...
29:13Hand-holding.
29:14Yes.
29:15It's all itemized.
29:16Right.
29:17And it is sinful to be in debt, isn't it?
29:19Sinful, indeed.
29:20Yeah.
29:21And when would you like this account to be settled?
29:23Er...
29:24Now?
29:25What, this minute?
29:26This second.
29:27Right.
29:28Right.
29:29Right.
29:30Right.
29:31Right.
29:32Right, then.
29:35Right.
29:36Right.
29:37Right.
29:38Right.
29:39Right.
29:40Right.
29:41Right.
29:42Right.
29:43Right.
29:44Right.
29:45Right.
29:46Right.
29:47Right.
29:48Right.
29:49Right.
29:50Right.
29:51Right.
29:52Right.
30:00Right.
30:01Right.
30:02Right.
30:03Right.
30:03Hello.
30:04hello hello darling you're back i have missed you so much
30:20no no no just come straight over i've got so much to tell you
30:25no of course not look just get here by three and i will take you out for the most gorgeous long
30:31wall all right chicken yeah i can't wait love you
30:47oh love what fools it makes of us all yes indeed week after week i've been snogging that new puppy
30:55and then whoops-a-daisies i've got a great big mouth also a lovely romantic story do you remember
31:03when you were dating david's brother and you jumped in that puddle just to show off
31:08and you went in right up to your neck yeah well i won't be doing that again no matter how cute a
31:14chap is oh gosh how's it going with mr dreamboat has he driven his purple porsche into your parking
31:22space no alice he hasn't shut up and get out actually what time is it well it's nearly three
31:34o'clock oh god i've got to go there's something i've got to do well can i come no oh please
31:40no please let me come how are you going i'm going to narnia
31:45narnia oh yeah would you like to leave the way alice yes please
31:51oh there we go
32:00mr tomliss
32:06mr tomliss
32:15what time do you call this oh come here oh i just love you
32:25right i'm taking you for a walk so romantic around here really gets the juices flowing
32:42of
32:47the
32:47back of a postcard
32:49the song that i could sing but i can try for your heart
32:53Our dreams are known and we're friends
32:57Your box of photographs or sepia-tone lovers
33:02Love is the answer at least for us
33:04So the question to my heart
33:06Why are we here and where do we go?
33:09We're not going to so hard
33:11There's no reason to hear sometimes
33:13I don't feel the same
33:15I'll tell you one thing
33:17It's always better when we're together
33:20It's always better when we're together
33:24Yeah, we'll look at them stars and we're together
33:28Well, it's always better when we're together
33:32Yeah, it's always better when we're together
33:38It's always better when we're together
33:40Let's take a moment
33:42Well, I'm gonna follow you
33:43Yeah, I'm gonna follow you
33:45It's always better when I'm together
33:47You can't follow you
33:49Or you can follow me
33:50You can follow me
33:51It's always better when I'm together
33:52You can follow me
33:53I'm gonna follow me
33:55Yeah
33:57I'm gonna follow you
33:59Oh, no.
34:29Bye.
34:41When all else fails you...
34:59Hello.
35:23Oh, hello.
35:25Haven't seen you for a few days.
35:27Er, no. I've been, erm, writing sermons about morals and fidelity, that kind of thing.
35:35And I thought since the arrival of your extraordinarily attractive, gorgeous guest,
35:40you might appreciate a bit of privacy.
35:43Hey.
35:44Oh, here she is now.
35:45Oh, God.
35:46Rosie, this is Geraldine.
35:48Hello. Hello.
35:50Harry has talked so much about you.
35:53He says you're the best thing about the village and he really loves the village.
35:56Oh.
35:57Well, isn't that nice?
35:58I meant to say to you, Harry, that, you know, I do cut-price weddings for people who are
36:03nice about me.
36:04And funerals.
36:05Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
36:06Thought she was funny.
36:07Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
36:08Yeah.
36:09Ha, ha, ha.
36:10Yeah, that's me.
36:11Funny, funny, funny.
36:12Ha, ha.
36:13You don't have to be attractive when you're as hilarious as I am all the live-long day.
36:16Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
36:18Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
36:19Oh.
36:20we really should go and get the start of the film.
36:23Yeah, absolutely.
36:24Well, Geraldine, it's been really nice to meet you at last.
36:27And heavenly to meet you, Rosie, eventually.
36:31But he never mentioned me once, did he?
36:33Er, no, he didn't, actually.
36:35Men.
36:36Men, indeed, honestly.
36:38Sometimes you could just punch them, couldn't you?
36:41Or stick their nuts in a vice.
36:43Oh, fast. I'm just being funny again. I'm a riot.
36:50I saw my love
36:57Walking down the aisle
37:04And as he passed me by
37:10He turned to me
37:12Gave me a smile
37:15In the future
37:18Oh, yeah
37:21The preacher asked, would there be silence, please?
37:28If any objections to this wedding
37:30Speak now
37:31Or forever
37:32Forever hold your peace
37:35And I stood up and said it should've been me
37:38Oh, it should've been me
37:44Loved out of my seat and dreamed it should've been me
37:49Oh, oh, oh
37:52In my mind
37:55People believe me
37:56That man is fine
37:57That man is fine
37:58That man is fine
37:58That man is fine
37:59That man is fine
38:00That man is fine
38:02Oh, oh, oh
38:03This should've been me
38:05Well, yes, fairly well done, all of you, on our first attempt at a newsletter.
38:35We've got the proofs now, so let's start at page one.
38:39Hugo Horton, hard news reporter. What a headline.
38:43Dibley, villagers dying from rabies?
38:46Thank you, yes.
38:47I thought it's a major issue, because if villagers are dying from rabies, we need to know.
38:51Because it's deadly, and it's highly contagious.
38:54And are they?
38:55No, they're not.
38:57As indeed you say in your article.
39:00Well, not so much an article, more of an adverb, really, isn't it?
39:02Just the word no.
39:05By the way, it is eye-catching.
39:07Speaking of which, Owen, photographer.
39:10Fairly unusual in a village newsletter to have a page three girl.
39:15There's Brenda the barmaid.
39:17Do you like the way I backlit it?
39:19You'd never guess she was 65.
39:23Oh, I think we would.
39:25Indeed, we seem to have a page four girl.
39:28Is it, that's her mother.
39:32And also a page five girl.
39:34Well, you can't have too much of a good thing.
39:36Yes, you can.
39:38Who is this?
39:40That's her aunt's mother.
39:42Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but judging from the glassy expression, she's not actually alive.
39:49She's only just died, though.
39:53Right, so this is a photo of a dead, topless, nonagenarian.
39:58That's possibly the most disturbing picture I have ever seen.
40:02Hmm, thank you.
40:03So, moving swiftly on, David, no obituaries this edition?
40:09No, though I have written them all.
40:11In fact, I've written Frank several times.
40:14I find it calms me.
40:16Yes, right, which brings us to Jim Trott's problem page.
40:20Now, my big problem with the problem page is the byline, Jim.
40:25You've written,
40:26Readers, tell us your deepest, darkest problem.
40:29Isn't it a good laugh?
40:30Yes, but you don't say it, do you?
40:33And why have you written sexual problems only?
40:40Well, they are the funniest ones, eh?
40:44Well, be that as it may, I am worried about the anonymity issue as well.
40:48I mean, look at this.
40:49Dear Aunty Jim, I'm getting a bit depressed.
40:52My beloved has a brain the size of a sheep.
40:55How can I survive a lifetime without a single intelligent conversation?
40:59And, Jim, you reply,
41:01Dear Hugo Horton,
41:03You're absolutely right.
41:06Alice is a total thickie.
41:08Leave her at once.
41:10I didn't write to Aunty, Jim.
41:12Didn't you?
41:13Well, who did?
41:17Owen.
41:18Owen.
41:19I had no idea.
41:21A girlfriend at last.
41:23And has she got a brain the size of a sheep?
41:27Well, yes.
41:33Because she is a sheep.
41:37Right, well, we can't publish that one, Jim.
41:39For legal reasons.
41:41So, we're in a bit of trouble.
41:43Agony aren't wise, aren't we?
41:45Don't worry.
41:45Last night you got another letter.
41:47We should be able to squeeze it in at the last moment.
41:49Oh, well, that's a relief.
41:51Read it out.
41:52It's about unrequited love.
41:55Actually, don't read it out.
41:56Moving on swiftly.
41:57It's from a woman.
41:58Yes, a woman who was completely drunk when she wrote it
42:01and probably doesn't want you to read it out.
42:03I'm imagining.
42:04I'm just guessing.
42:05Dear Aunty, Jim,
42:06I am in love with a lovely man.
42:09No.
42:10Back to the rabies story.
42:12But it turns out he's with someone else.
42:15Bastards.
42:17Should I fight back
42:19or should I finally accept that I am middle-aged,
42:22no longer desirable,
42:24will never know the joy of true love
42:27and forever be alone?
42:30And my reply is that she should go round
42:33and try to reason with the bloke,
42:35but in case he's not receptive,
42:37she should take along a shotgun.
42:40So that's your advice, is it, Jim?
42:42That she should have one last crack at him
42:44and if that doesn't work, just blow his head off?
42:46Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
42:48Exactly.
42:50That is the country way.
42:52Yes.
42:53I'm not sure that's right, you know, Jim.
42:55I'd have said something more like,
42:57from the tone of your letter,
42:58you're clearly a sensitive and intelligent woman.
43:01My advice is,
43:02do nothing.
43:04If the man is worthy of your love,
43:06he'll come back to you.
43:07And if he doesn't come back,
43:09don't worry.
43:11He's not right for you.
43:12And you'd be better alone
43:14than with the wrong man.
43:19Yes.
43:20Good.
43:23Right.
43:25Moving on to the back page.
43:27Only me.
43:31I've been thinking.
43:34Should have been you.
43:36Oh, well.
43:37I mean, why do we need another male pope?
43:40I am seriously thinking of coming out in public
43:44and saying that I,
43:45Jesus' only living descendant,
43:47am not happy with the German bloke.
43:49Good idea.
43:53I also think it should have been you
43:54that chap Harry went out with.
43:57I mean, as far as I can see,
43:58that girl he's parading round the village
44:00is a terrible old tart.
44:02No, well, I wouldn't say that.
44:04She was very nice to me.
44:06Gloating witch.
44:07No, no, I shouldn't say that.
44:09Look, I'm sure they'll be very happy.
44:12And I'll just be left on the shelf.
44:15Which isn't as bad as you might think, actually.
44:18Isn't it?
44:19No.
44:20When I was two, my mum worked for the co-op
44:22and she left me on a shelf instead of a packet of pamphlets.
44:26And I quite liked it.
44:28Yeah, although the shelf I'm on
44:30is slightly different to that sort of shelf, isn't it?
44:32Oh, yeah, yeah.
44:32Yours is a symbolic shelf
44:34that signifies you're abandoned and alone.
44:38You know, like the ugly duckling
44:40who's already grown older and uglier.
44:43No chance of transforming into a swan.
44:47Yeah, thanks for that.
44:49No, but as I see it,
44:51you're not on the shelf at all.
44:53Because you're already married, aren't you?
44:56To the village.
44:58That Harry bloke, when he gets married,
45:00he's going to have one wife.
45:02Whereas you,
45:04well, you know, in a way,
45:05you're married to Owen.
45:08And to Jim.
45:10And to Frank.
45:12And to Hugo.
45:13And to David.
45:15And you're married to me, too.
45:18And you were married to Mrs Cropley.
45:21So, I mean, he's got one wife.
45:23And you have got
45:24five husbands and two wives.
45:29One of whom is the living embodiment of God,
45:31on her.
45:33And the other one,
45:34who start raving dead.
45:37See, it's not that bad, is it?
45:39No, it's not that bad.
45:41Thanks, babe.
45:43Listen, doll,
45:44I'm not really in the mood
45:45for chatting tonight.
45:46I think it's time for bed, really.
45:48You sleep well.
45:49Yeah.
45:49And I love you.
45:50And I'll send you love to Dad.
45:55Well, God.
45:59Thanks.
46:07Which one of my many husbands and wives
46:10is this going to be?
46:11Hello, Geraldine.
46:18Hello, Harry.
46:19How are you?
46:20Fine.
46:22Well, I'm as fine as I can be
46:23in the circumstances.
46:25Oh, right.
46:26And, um,
46:28what circumstances are those?
46:31Well, it's a big day for me.
46:34You know, it's one of those big days.
46:36You know what I mean?
46:38Well, I suppose so, yeah.
46:39What can I do to help you
46:40on this big day?
46:42Well, Vicar,
46:43I might as well just come
46:44straight out with it.
46:46I've thought about it a lot
46:47and talked about it a lot.
46:49and I wondered whether or not
46:51you would consider
46:54marrying me.
46:59Well, yes, of course,
47:01I'd be delighted to.
47:02Well, yes, of course,
47:04I'd be delighted to.
47:10That's wonderful news.
47:12Have you thought about any dates?
47:16No, I thought we might be able
47:18to discuss that a little.
47:19Well, I might put a little punt
47:20in for Christmas.
47:21It's always a very romantic
47:22time of year.
47:23Fine.
47:24Excellent, if Christmas
47:25sounds good to you.
47:26Yeah, yeah.
47:26Well, let's check the book.
47:31This is the church diary.
47:32Let's have a look.
47:34Yeah, there's a gap
47:35on the 22nd,
47:37if that suits.
47:38Excellent.
47:40Good.
47:40Well, look,
47:41while we're here,
47:41we might as well get
47:42some of the other admin done,
47:43might we?
47:45Yeah, let's fill this out.
47:47Er, right.
47:48So your full name
47:50is Harry...
47:51Jasper Kennedy.
47:53Oh, right.
47:53Well, I hope that doesn't
47:54get a giggle.
47:56Fingers crossed.
47:57Yeah.
47:58And what's the full name
47:59of the lucky lady
48:00in question?
48:01Er, well,
48:03I don't know
48:04a middle name, but...
48:05Oh, well,
48:05we can fill that in later,
48:06can't we?
48:08And just pray that
48:09that isn't embarrassing
48:10as well,
48:10otherwise it's going to be
48:11like a sitcom out there.
48:13Right,
48:14so just her first
48:15and last name then.
48:16Well...
48:17Oh, come on, Harry.
48:19You shouldn't be
48:19marrying someone
48:20if you don't even
48:20know their name.
48:23Well,
48:23obviously it's...
48:26Geraldine...
48:27Geraldine...
48:28Granger.
48:29Granger.
48:33Pardon?
48:35Geraldine Granger.
48:38I'm asking you
48:39to marry me,
48:40Geraldine Granger.
48:43What the...
48:43But she...
48:43But what about that?
48:46What about that?
48:46I love the...
48:47What about the woman
48:48you've been living with?
48:50Rosie, the pretty one,
48:51what about her?
48:52My sister.
48:53What?
48:53She's my closest friend.
48:57What?
48:57I consult her
48:58about everything.
48:59What?
49:00And we've been
49:01trudging the fields
49:02together trying to decide
49:03if it's too rash
49:04or too soon
49:04or too stupid
49:05but finally
49:06I've decided
49:07that I must
49:08follow my heart.
49:12Ah!
49:18Ah!
49:19Ah!
49:23Will you excuse me?
49:26Ah!
49:30Ah!
49:32Ah!
49:33Ah!
49:33Ah!
49:34Ah!
49:35Ah!
49:46Ah!
49:51Ah!
49:52Let me just be absolutely sure I've got this right.
50:22You are asking me to marry you.
50:26Yes.
50:29I loved you the second I laid eyes on you.
50:33And I absolutely know that we are meant to be together forever.
50:37And we will always be happy.
50:39Ah! Ah!
50:52I love you the third one.
51:00I love you the third one.
51:06Settle down, settle down.
51:33You know, marriage is very exciting, but we can't scream for the rest of our lives, can we?
51:37No.
51:38So, here's a joke to celebrate.
51:40Great.
51:41What do accountants do when they're constipated?
51:46I don't know.
51:48What do accountants do when they're constipated?
51:51They work it out with a pencil.
51:54Did you get it?
51:56They stick a pencil up their bottom.
51:58That is disgusting.
52:00It's a joke, Alice.
52:02It's no joke if the pencil breaks, they've got to have a pencil up there.
52:06They'd be more constipated than ever.
52:08No, they work it out.
52:11I cannot believe you are marrying a man who sticks a pencil up his body.
52:15Look, he leaves it lying around.
52:17You might use it as a pencil.
52:20I mean, I don't know about you, but when I use a pencil, I tend to do this, look, when I'm thinking.
52:26Well, I think thinking's a bit of a strong word, isn't it?
52:28Oh, do you think it might have been up an accountant's backside?
52:32I don't know what they're thinking about.
52:33Oh, that's very true.
52:35Oh, here's your pencil.
52:37Actually, no, that isn't mine.
52:38That's one of Harry's.
52:38I don't know.
52:46I don't know.
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