- 2 days ago
First broadcast 25th December 1996.
Geraldine agrees to attend three Christmas lunches in order not to hurt anyone's feelings.
Geraldine Granger Dawn French
David Horton Gary Waldhorn
Hugo Horton James Fleet
Alice Tinker Emma Chambers
Frank Pickle John Bluthal
Jim Trott Trevor Peacock
Owen Newitt Roger Lloyd Pack
Tristan Campbell Peter Capaldi
Aoife Orla Brady
Mrs Tinker Carol MacReady
Mary Tinker Mel Giedroyc
Geraldine agrees to attend three Christmas lunches in order not to hurt anyone's feelings.
Geraldine Granger Dawn French
David Horton Gary Waldhorn
Hugo Horton James Fleet
Alice Tinker Emma Chambers
Frank Pickle John Bluthal
Jim Trott Trevor Peacock
Owen Newitt Roger Lloyd Pack
Tristan Campbell Peter Capaldi
Aoife Orla Brady
Mrs Tinker Carol MacReady
Mary Tinker Mel Giedroyc
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00in speech written this year by Ruby Watts I believe and what about you I'm
00:06totally excited about your first Christmas sermon it's just going to be
00:11an experience I'll never forget Alice my first Christmas sermon was last
00:16Christmas
00:22not that it's your fault you probably just chose a boring subject the birth of
00:27Jesus Christ otherwise known as the greatest story ever told yeah first time
00:34you hear it but after that it's a bit predictable in there man a woman gets you
00:39in in full woman has baby in manger angels sing on high blah blah blah you have
00:45forgotten to mention that that baby is in fact the son of God oh yeah I know I
00:49mean that's a nice twist
00:52there aren't exactly a lot of laughs I mean the Christmas balls and horses oh
00:59that's much funnier that Rodney what a plonker
01:05better change the subject because frankly if you stick with this one I'll be
01:08forced to put this somewhere dark that will make it impossible for you to walk
01:14it's just enough time before David's big party to open two more windows on my oasis one
01:26do you want Liam or no
01:42Liam
01:43all right then
01:44hmm
01:48Patsy Kensington's right you know Liam is tasty
01:51got anything planned for Christmas
01:55well one or two things yes I am the vicar remember
01:59oh yes
01:59can be quite a sad time though Christmas can't it
02:03I always feel sorry for people who are alone on Christmas day
02:06solitary sad acts watching Jurassic Park and opening advent calendars
02:11yes
02:12well that is tragic isn't it
02:14what's the idea with your father and the uh
02:18oh uh he says it makes him more attractive to women
02:20right
02:21so he's gone completely mad now then
02:24welcome everybody and thank you all for coming
02:31may I take this opportunity of wishing you all a Merry Christmas
02:34I hope we all find this a time of joy and peace and goodwill to all men
02:39Hugo tell that lot to go and drown themselves will you
02:43yes all right
02:45or I could ask them to come in and cheer our hearts with their childish joy
02:51I think not
02:52oh Shane oh all right we'll take a vote who wants to hear little miss looney and her tuneless tots kill some cow
03:02peaches for crumbo
03:04Vicar Vicar Vicar um Jim and I are getting together on Christmas day
03:09oh not that we're an item you understand not in that sense but uh we're joining forces for the day
03:15just the day not the night
03:18and we wondered if you'd consider being our guest
03:24oh
03:25the thing is my wife's away on a competent grandparenting course
03:30and we used to have lunch Christmas lunch at Letitia's but since she
03:35well you know sort of
03:37died
03:38it's just us
03:40and uh we wouldn't half mind a bit of totty to take our place
03:45oh it is a sort of a rock and roll lunch with the guys
03:49oh no no no no yes that's right
03:51yes sex and drugs and rock and swiss rolls
03:55we promise you a delicious repast
03:59and a potentially thrilling game of charades
04:03well I can't deny I am totally available for Christmas lunch so I'd be delighted to accept
04:10a result
04:11except for the charades
04:13which I enjoy as much as colonic irrigation
04:16I've not played that
04:18well that's lovely
04:40now then before you finish a little test for you
04:46we all know that Christmas is a very very special time
04:49but who can tell me who started it all
04:52yes James
04:53Noel Edmonds
04:54no
04:55that's me huh
04:58any other guesses
04:59baby Jesus
05:00that's right Bethany and what's so special about Jesus
05:03his name's a swear word
05:05yes but I was thinking rather more of the fact that he's the son of God
05:10and where was he born
05:12in Dunstable
05:13in Dunstable
05:15well who told you that
05:19well I always thought it was a bit odd
05:23but that's what my mum told me
05:24that Jesus was born in Dunstable
05:27in a stable
05:29I'm sorry I'm late
05:34I was just leaving when that daft girl
05:37and a horrible gang of talentless dwarfs came round
05:40I haven't heard a racket like it since I caught that cow in the shredder
05:45hello Alice
05:47hello dear little children
05:49did it all
05:50yes James
05:51Noel Edmonds
05:52no
05:54that's me huh
05:56any other guesses
05:57baby Jesus
05:58that's right Bethany
06:00and what's so special about Jesus
06:01his name's a swear word
06:03yes but I was thinking rather more of the fact that he's the son of God
06:08and where was he born
06:10in Dunstable
06:11in Dunstable
06:13yeah that's right
06:15yeah that's right
06:15well who told you that
06:17well I always thought it was a bit odd but that's what my mum told me
06:23Jesus was born in Dunstable
06:25in a stable
06:27is there any chance of getting on with it
06:31I'm sorry I'm late
06:33I was just leaving when that daft girl and a horrible gang of talentless dwarfs came round
06:38I haven't heard a racket like it since I caught that cow in the shredder
06:43hello Alice
06:46hello dear little children
06:48nice to see you again
06:50and on you go Alice
06:53right
06:54our final song
06:57is an old favourite in a new version
06:59the children taught me
07:01I'm a great believer that you must listen to the culture of the young
07:04get on with it
07:05on the count of four
07:08four
07:09while shepherds watched their flocks by night
07:15all seated on a bank
07:18oh god
07:19and they knew who was born came down and taught them how to
07:25merry Christmas everybody
07:26oh
07:27merry, merry, merry, merry
07:29fabulous
07:32deeply moving
07:34so nice to know the shepherds really had some fun at Christmas
07:37isn't it
07:37I can't deny it
07:47I have heard more pleasant sounds coming from very recently castrated cattle
07:51look Vicar
07:53I know we have our differences
07:55I believe in hanging and birching and you're not normal
07:58but the thing is
08:00I've decided to make some changes in my life
08:02and my image as you can see
08:04yes I noticed that
08:06it's very, very beard-like isn't it
08:09well
08:10thank you
08:12the truth is
08:14at last
08:15I'm putting right
08:16some of the things that forced my poor wife to leave me
08:19all those years ago
08:21so I finally learned how to cook
08:22oh
08:23with the help of Delia Smith
08:24Saint Delia
08:25yes
08:26which means
08:28I'm doing a real Christmas lunch this year
08:30and I'd be thrilled
08:32if you'd like to come along and taste it
08:34oh David
08:35what a sweet offer
08:36unfortunately I can't
08:37no
08:38no
08:38you're right
08:39forget I mentioned it
08:39a leopard can't change his spots
08:41to you I shall always be a sad and bitter old bachelor
08:44no
08:44I don't think that at all David
08:47oh so you will come then
08:48er
08:50er
08:51yes
08:52yes
08:52I'd love to come and taste your stuffing
08:54splendid
08:57will you excuse me just a moment
08:59I've got to
08:59yeah thanks
09:00Frank
09:01Jim
09:02erm
09:03it's going to be the most
09:04exciting Christmas of our lives
09:07oh
09:07what did I say
09:08oh
09:08no
09:09it's going to be great isn't it
09:11it's going to be really great
09:12will you excuse me just a moment
09:15I've just got to
09:16er
09:17er
09:18David
09:18I am so excited that you'll come
09:21good
09:23the stuffing
09:24do you think I'd be mad
09:26to try Delia's exotic cranberry one
09:28no no
09:29that'd be lovely
09:29splendid
09:30now tell me Vicar
09:31on a more serious note
09:33how's the Christmas sermon going
09:35oh it's fine
09:35I haven't thought about it much
09:36oh dear
09:38what
09:39problem
09:40well I know I wouldn't think about anything else for months
09:42wouldn't you
09:44no
09:44why
09:46it's the keynote speech at the party conference isn't it
09:49is it
09:50deliver a stinker
09:52again
09:53and you'll lose them for the whole year
09:56will I
09:57they're back to Satan till next December
10:00are they
10:01indeed
10:02right
10:04right
10:05right
10:06Alice
10:07ready to hear this
10:09I'm all ears
10:10right
10:11well not all ears
10:12I'm face and tummy and legs and
10:14lots of other bits
10:15including some rather private bits
10:19I only let a doctor see
10:20and he wasn't a doctor
10:24and he got arrested sooner
10:25my ears are all ears
10:30and they're listening to you
10:31Geraldine Granger
10:33Vicar Extraordinary
10:35right
10:37picture the scene
10:39Christmas morning
10:40full house
10:41girl vicar with special new hairdo
10:44I'm so excited
10:45I could just burst like a great big blister
10:47when you stab it with a pin
10:48yeah
10:50well please don't
10:51a hush descends
10:53and I start
10:55I take as my text today
10:57St John chapter 1
10:59verse 1
10:59in the beginning was the word
11:01and the word was with God
11:03and Alice please put that magazine down
11:06it's great though
11:09great beginning
11:10fantastic
11:11yeah well good
11:12glad you enjoyed it
11:13I have to rethink the whole thing
11:17Vicar
11:19Verger
11:20oh Alice
11:25how sweet
11:27ooh I wonder what it is
11:28is it a ball
11:29no
11:30I wonder if it's a book
11:33can I open it now
11:34yeah
11:34oh thanks
11:35I love books
11:36something a bit intellectual
11:39just to get your teeth into
11:41you know just drift away
11:42on a carpet of storytelling
11:43and imagination
11:44right
11:45Ziga Ziga
11:47the authorised biography
11:49of the Spice Girls
11:49fantastic
11:54yeah it's a brilliant story
11:57oh I can believe that
11:59oh look at this
11:59chapter 1
12:00the beginning
12:01we decide which one of us
12:02is going to have red hair
12:03fabulous
12:05look at this
12:06chapter 8
12:06big trouble
12:07we all fancy the same bloke
12:09in boy's own
12:09oh no
12:10what do they do
12:11thank you so much Alice
12:13oh I'm glad you like it
12:15I was torn between that
12:16and the book about
12:17Des Lynham's mum
12:18well you made the correct choice
12:20I've got to get on
12:22with my sermon now then
12:23oh fine
12:24okay
12:24well I'll see you at the service
12:25and lunch will be
12:27about one o'clock
12:28right
12:28what?
12:30lunch?
12:31yeah
12:31I mean usually it's just me
12:33my sister and my mum
12:34but this year I said
12:35can I bring the vicar along
12:36and mum said
12:37oh the vicar won't come
12:38she'll have far more
12:39important people
12:40to have lunch with
12:41funny you should say that
12:43and I started to cry
12:44and I said
12:45no she won't
12:46because I'm her best friend
12:47in the universe
12:48and mum said
12:50all right
12:50ask her to come then
12:51and I said
12:52I don't need to ask her
12:53yeah
12:54funny you should say that
12:55anyway
12:55if she didn't come
12:58I'd kill myself
12:59right
13:01right
13:02well I'm looking forward to it
13:03oh
13:03yes
13:04yes
13:04and um
13:06by the way
13:08about my sister
13:10she's lovely
13:11but um
13:12she's not quite as
13:14well you know
13:14on the ball as I am
13:15don't
13:16don't
13:18you know
13:18let's get into
13:19the heavy deep
13:19philosophical stuff
13:20that you and I
13:21go in for
13:22if you get my meaning
13:22yeah
13:23you mean steer clear
13:24of the Jesuitical heresy
13:26that sort of thing
13:27well I'd better go
13:31and get my last minute
13:32shopping
13:32all right
13:33bye
13:34don't go mad
13:35oops
13:36too late
13:37you did
13:37Owen
13:43hello Vicar
13:44I've got something
13:45to ask you
13:46please say
13:46it's not about
13:47Christmas lunch
13:48no
13:48oh thank god
13:50no
13:54I just wondered
13:55whether it'd be alright
13:56if I miss the service
13:57tomorrow
13:58only my favourite sheep
13:59is sick
14:00I won't bore you
14:02with the details
14:02but she's swallowed
14:03this fish hook
14:04and I tried to yank it out
14:06but it seems to have
14:07caught on one of her
14:08ventricles
14:09which I've now
14:10tugged up in her throat
14:11no
14:12you deal with that
14:13Owen
14:14but actually
14:14since you're not
14:15coming to the service
14:16you wouldn't do me
14:17a favour would you
14:18depends
14:19well it's just that
14:20I've just this second
14:21thought of an exciting
14:22new beginning
14:23for my sermon
14:23I'd love to know
14:24what you think
14:25right okay
14:27I'll give it a listen
14:28oh great
14:28come on in
14:29to be honest
14:30anything to put off
14:31scraping the cow dung
14:32off the stable walls
14:34right
14:35right
14:36do sit down
14:37I've decided
14:39to steer clear
14:40of the traditional
14:41Christmas sermon
14:42so I'm going to start
14:43I take my text today
14:46not from the Bible
14:47but from a rather
14:48beautiful poem
14:49by Christina Rossetti
14:51called The Hidden Heart
14:53I looked this morn
14:55upon my face
14:56and whence
14:58actually those stable
14:59walls are pretty
15:00lucky
15:00I quite understand
15:04yeah
15:05yeah
15:05yeah
15:06right
15:07now some frightening
15:09facts
15:09it's the biggest gig
15:11of the year
15:11it's a one woman show
15:13there's 12 hours to go
15:15I had no ideas
15:17at all
15:17oh no
15:25this is a major
15:27essay crisis
15:28now
15:28listen
15:29birthday boy
15:30if you don't help me
15:34now
15:34I'm afraid I'm going to
15:36have to tell them
15:36you actually are
15:37Noel Edmonds
15:37it's up to you
15:40please
15:43help me
15:45oh well done
15:56Vic
15:56a first class sermon
15:57thanks David
15:59interesting text
16:00fascinating parallel
16:01between the two stories
16:02just like Mary
16:03the Spice Girls
16:04were also virgins
16:06thrust into the public eye
16:07at a young age
16:08very illuminating
16:10yes
16:10and like them
16:11Jesus wants us
16:12to tell him what we want
16:13what we really really want
16:14that's right
16:15brilliant stuff Vic
16:16come along Cougar
16:17I fancy the blonde one
16:19see you at one Vicar
16:20right
16:21jolly good sermon Vicar
16:24don't you agree Jim
16:25no no no
16:26yes yes
16:28I like the way you move
16:30from the superficial
16:31and facile
16:32messages of popular music
16:34to the subtle
16:35and complex
16:36revelations
16:37of the nativity
16:39right
16:40lunch at one
16:42could we have it
16:43just a little bit
16:44earlier
16:44like when
16:46like in about five minutes
16:47right
16:48she's keen Jim
16:50she's very keen
16:51better get the turkey
16:52in the microwave
16:53see you at lunch
16:56yeah
16:56oh and Alice
16:57please remember
16:59I haven't got a very big appetite
17:00you
17:03pull the other one
17:05third please Alice
17:06more like
17:07Merry Christmas
17:12Merry Christmas
17:13right
17:14must have a little practice
17:16just a tiny portion
17:18for me
17:19thank you
17:19no thanks
17:20I don't have any pudding
17:21oh that one's gonna be tricky
17:23just a couple of slices
17:26of turkey
17:26and a few veg
17:27for me
17:27thanks
17:28absolutely
17:29and how many types
17:34of vegetable
17:35is that
17:3616
17:37meats
17:39and 16 veg
17:40that's always been
17:42the way
17:42in Dhibli
17:43tuck in there
17:44because there's more
17:45where that came from
17:46lucky lucky me
17:47eh
17:48well that was scrumptious
17:51thank you very much
17:52indeed
17:52pudding
17:56well um
17:58perhaps I'll just have
17:59a small portion
18:01all right
18:03just one each
18:04whole one each
18:06all right
18:07found the money yet
18:14Vicar
18:14not yet
18:15no
18:16well you ought to find some
18:17I put five pounds
18:18in every pudding
18:19actually
18:21oh I see
18:24well done
18:26what
18:27do you do
18:29when you see
18:30a spaceman
18:31oh I don't
18:32no no no no no no
18:33no Jim
18:34what do you do
18:35when you see a spaceman
18:36parking it mad
18:38now that is
18:40most amusing
18:41how do they
18:43think up
18:43these new jokes
18:44every year
18:45you get it Vicar
18:47not as often
18:48as I like
18:48oh
18:49oh
18:50sorry
18:51I heard a very funny joke last week
18:57hilarious
18:58did you
18:58that is very funny
19:02on your own timing
19:04knock knock
19:09who's there
19:10no no no
19:14no no
19:15no wait
19:17no no no
19:21no no
19:22no no
19:22no no
19:23no no
19:24no no
19:26no wait wait
19:27wait no
19:28no no
19:29doctor
19:30doctor
19:31yes
19:32yes
19:33oh
19:36Lord
19:41no no
19:46unrealistic
19:48oh
19:50what we are about to receive
19:54may the Lord make us truly grateful
19:56Amen
19:57well that's original
20:05not going for the traditional turkey then
20:07well not as a starter
20:09no
20:09right
20:11so this
20:12family sized portion of pasta
20:16is in fact the starter is it
20:18excellent
20:23tuck in
20:24well
20:28you'll have to forgive me
20:30I won't be having that much turkey
20:31oh
20:32you won't be having any turkey
20:33oh
20:34till after the fish course
20:36excellent
20:38a whole
20:40fish
20:41now
20:44the turkey
20:47here's a good one
20:53what do you do when you see a spaceman
20:56I don't know
21:00what do you do when you see a spaceman
21:02park in it
21:05humour's getting very surreal these days
21:10I blame Nicholas Whitchell
21:12more sprouts Vicka
21:17er no
21:18no
21:18they're lovely
21:19but
21:20I really couldn't eat another one
21:21yes
21:23what what what what
21:26no no no it's nothing
21:28Hugo and I have a silly Christmas wager each year
21:31I bet that I can eat more sprouts than the guests
21:33and he bets that I can't
21:35never won in 20 years
21:36have you Hugo
21:37no father
21:39as usual you win
21:41like every tennis game
21:43every game of backgammon
21:44every game of cards we've ever played since I was born
21:47I suppose you're just a better person than I am
21:50right
21:51thought he was on to a winner with you though Geraldine
21:55no such luck
21:57no
21:57I'm a loser
21:59that's my boy
22:00just wait one cotton picking minute here
22:05I think perhaps I could manage a couple more after all
22:10contestant David
22:22you will go on my first whistle
22:25Vickson
22:33you will go
22:35on my second whistle
22:37Vickson
22:45Vickson
22:47Vickson
22:57Vickson
22:58Vickson
22:59Vickson
23:01Vickson
23:02I'm through
23:20finish those and you win
23:21Vickson
23:22Vickson
23:23Vickson
23:24Vickson
23:25Vickson
23:26Vickson
23:27Vickson
23:28Vickson
23:29Vickson
23:30Vickson
23:31Vickson
23:32Vickson
23:33Vickson
23:34Vickson
23:35Vickson
23:36Vickson
23:37Vickson
23:38Vickson
23:39Vickson
23:40Vickson
23:41Vickson
23:42Vickson
23:43Vickson
23:44Vickson
23:45Vickson
23:46Vickson
23:47Vickson
24:19And it sure is mighty fine.
24:21Put it there, partner.
24:35Well, while I'm up, I think I'd better call it a day.
24:39Couldn't eat another thing.
24:41Au contraire, Vicar.
24:43Bring in the winner's reward.
24:45We made it especially big because we know how you like your puddings, Vicar.
24:50Mmm.
24:52If I ever actually meet Delia Smith in person,
25:01I'm afraid I'm going to have to strangle her with my bare hands
25:04and stuff cranberries into every available orifice.
25:09Are you all right?
25:10You did it very well.
25:11No, no.
25:12I'm fine.
25:13It's just I'm, you know, a little bit sort of...
25:16Oh, I'm sorry about that.
25:18Oh.
25:19Oh.
25:20Don't you worry.
25:21You'll probably just save the lack of food.
25:22Right.
25:23Sit down and we'll have you full up in no time at all.
25:26Good.
25:27Ooh.
25:28Ooh.
25:29Ooh.
25:30Ooh.
25:31Ooh.
25:32Ooh.
25:33Ooh.
25:34Ooh.
25:35Ooh.
25:36Ooh.
25:37Don't you worry.
25:38You know, you'll probably just save the lack of food.
25:39Right.
25:40Sit down and we'll have you full up in no time at all.
25:43Good.
25:44Ooh.
25:45Geraldine, this is my mum.
25:48Mum.
25:49Mrs Tinker.
25:50How lovely to meet you.
25:51I've heard so much about you.
25:53Have you?
25:54Yes, I have.
25:55Have you?
25:56I certainly have.
25:57Oh, you have, have you?
25:59Yes.
26:01And this must be Alice's sister.
26:03This is Mary.
26:05Oh.
26:06Hello, Mary.
26:07Hello.
26:08You're much taller than I imagined you'd be.
26:10Am I?
26:11Yeah, because I always imagined you sitting down.
26:13Right.
26:14Alice never stops talking about you.
26:16I know absolutely every little thing about you.
26:18Really, Alice?
26:19She says you're the best vet in the world.
26:21I'm a vicar.
26:22Are you?
26:23Of course she is, you silly billy.
26:25Come on, vicar.
26:26Sit down, otherwise we'll never eat.
26:27Well, that suits me.
26:28I'm not really very hungry.
26:33I told you she was a car, didn't I?
26:36I told you she was a vet.
26:37Oh, I didn't.
26:38Guess what mum's cooked up for us today.
26:40Oh, would it be turkey and 16 veg?
26:42Don't be silly.
26:43Not for Easter.
26:44It's Christmas.
26:45Is it?
26:46Of course it is unique.
26:47Why am I wearing a card with a large bunny on it, though?
26:49I've been meaning to ask you that all morning.
26:51Ah!
26:52I've heard wonderful things about your cooking, Mrs Tinker.
26:55Have you?
26:56Yes, I have.
26:57Have you?
26:58Yes, I have.
26:59Oh, you have, have you?
27:01A table!
27:02A table!
27:03A table!
27:04Now, for what we may be about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful.
27:12Amen.
27:13Now then, just before we start eating, I'd like to tell you a little story.
27:17Oh!
27:18Hey!
27:19About the lovely, kind woman who's a vicar.
27:22Oh, just like you?
27:23Yes.
27:24And because she was trying to be kind to her parishioners, she agreed to have three different
27:28sets of Christmas lunch.
27:29Oh, that's hilarious.
27:30Isn't it?
27:31Yes.
27:32I mean, the first lunch, well, she was okay.
27:36But the second lunch, I mean, she was trying to manage to get it down.
27:40But by the time she got to the third family, you know, she was absolutely stuffed.
27:45Was she?
27:46Yes, she was.
27:47Was she?
27:48Yes, she was.
27:49Ah, she was, was she?
27:50Yes, she was.
27:51She didn't eat another bite.
27:53I bet the thought of one more slice of turkey made her absolutely sick.
27:57I bet it made her absolutely sick.
27:59Did it?
28:00I bet it did.
28:01It did, did it?
28:02Yes, it certainly did.
28:03But since the third family was where her absolute best best friend lived...
28:08Oh, like I'm your best friend.
28:10Yeah, she decided to tell her best friend all about the three meals problem.
28:14Oh, good idea.
28:15Yes, because she knew her best friend would take pity on her and say,
28:18Hey, you don't have to eat all that food if you don't want to.
28:21Just have a cup of tea instead, you know, to help her out.
28:24Oh, that's right.
28:25It's not like me at all.
28:26No.
28:27No?
28:28No.
28:29Because if she was my best friend and we cooked a meal for her like we cooked this one for you and it turned out that she'd eaten already, I'd just cry and cry.
28:37And I'd probably be scarred psychologically for the rest of my life by this dreadful tale of betrayal and deceit.
28:49Right.
28:50Well, we'd better tuck in then, eh?
28:55Now, this starter is...
28:58Stuffing.
28:59Bowls of stuffing.
29:01Right.
29:02Well, goodbye everybody and thank you so much.
29:05Very interesting chat, Mrs T.
29:07What's it?
29:08And thanks for the lovely present, Mary.
29:11You're welcome, Doctor.
29:13Maybe we can do charades next Easter.
29:15Yes.
29:16Over my dead body.
29:17Right.
29:18I've got to go now.
29:19I've got a taxi waiting.
29:21I've got to go now, Alice.
29:23Alice.
29:24Let go, Alice.
29:25Let go.
29:28Who was that then?
29:30We've got skips over tonight.
29:57Hello, Vicar.
29:58May I have a word?
29:59Yep.
30:00You carry on.
30:01The other night, you said, was I going to ask you to Christmas lunch and I said no and
30:11then you snogged me.
30:12Did I?
30:13Yes.
30:14And now I've realised that was your subtle female way of angling for an invite.
30:20I don't think it was.
30:23And I missed it because I'm not a subtle female.
30:26So now I'm asking, would you come to lunch?
30:31Oh, Owen.
30:34I would love to.
30:36It's just that you're alone and I'm alone and it's not that I want the company or anything,
30:41although it might be nice to hear a human voice on Christmas Day since I've spent every
30:47Christmas alone since my uncle died in the year they introduced decimal currency.
30:52Not that you have to come, of course, because I know I'm a misery.
30:57Though I have got a lot of love in my heart, as any of my cows will tell you.
31:02If they could talk, which they can't, which is a shame in one way and a bloody relief in another.
31:11Because what would they say?
31:13Oh, what have you been up to today?
31:15Oh, standing in a field.
31:17What about you?
31:18Standing in a field.
31:19What about you?
31:20Yeah.
31:21Standing in a field.
31:22Yeah, yeah.
31:23I think I've got that bit.
31:24So what do you say?
31:26Join me at Christmas lunch for the first time since 1971 or reject me?
31:32Just like I've been rejected every day by everyone ever since I was born.
31:36What do you say?
31:37I say yum-yum in my tum.
31:41Here, let me.
31:42Oh, thank you.
31:43I hope you're not too hungry.
31:44Oh, do you know, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
31:45Only I know how farmers are famous for big spreads, but I'm not a cook, so I've not done one.
31:59Oh, wonderful.
32:00Ha-ha!
32:01Only joking.
32:02Ha-ha-ha!
32:03Right, there's quite a lot of food here for just the two of us.
32:08Yeah, no, I'm not eating.
32:09Stomach upset.
32:10But don't you worry, I shall get just as much pleasure from watching you tuck in.
32:16Particularly my piece de resistance, the traditional Christmas fare.
32:27What's that?
32:30Trite.
32:35I'm going out to eat worms.
32:39Big, long, slimy, little, purple.
32:43Fuzzy, fuzzy, fuzzy, fuzzy worm.
32:48If anyone ever asks me to have Christmas lunch again, I'm going to say thank you very much.
32:53But frankly, I'd rather have sex with Jimmy Hill.
32:57Why don't they leave me alone?
33:05I suppose they have left me alone now.
33:09Yeah, they have.
33:14Should have asked a friend over.
33:17Definitely should have asked a friend.
33:19Coming!
33:20Should be there in about 20 minutes.
33:25I swear, if these are Jehovah's Witnesses, I'm joining.
33:29Anything should get out of this village.
33:33Try to be nice to people.
33:34Turn me into the easy turkey mountain.
33:36Hello.
33:46Tristram Campbell?
33:48You probably don't remember me.
33:49I was the producer when we did Songs of Praise.
33:51No.
33:52Of course I remember you.
33:54Do you ever come in?
33:57Go through.
34:05I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, but this is crazy.
34:08Christmas makes one do crazy things.
34:10Yeah, it certainly does.
34:11I mean, look at the three wise men.
34:13Tricking thousands of miles just to bring a baby.
34:15A couple of bottles of perfume.
34:16Ha-ha-ha!
34:21Quite, sir.
34:22Well, it's just that a...
34:25Oh, heck.
34:27I know I've only met you the once, but I've never been able to get you out of my mind.
34:30Well, I think you're perfect.
34:33So I just wondered if you'd marry me.
34:40I wonder if you'd marry me.
34:43Yes, I thought that's what you said.
34:45And then I thought...
34:46Ha-ha-ha!
34:50You mean you actually want me to decide now?
34:52No, no.
34:53Well, of course not.
34:54But...
34:55It's just...
34:56If you could find it in your heart to say yes.
34:58And you'll make me the happiest man alive.
35:00And I'll love you forever.
35:04Well...
35:07Well then...
35:08Yes.
35:10I mean...
35:11Yes.
35:12Fantastic.
35:15Back in a sec.
35:16Ah-ha-ha!
35:17Ah-ha-ha!
35:18Ah-ha-ha-ha!
35:19Ah-ha-ha-ha!
35:20He loves me!
35:21Completely and utterly in love with me!
35:23Gladdened me from the moment he saw me.
35:25Forsaking all others!
35:27Ah-ha-ha-ha!
35:28Ah-ha-ha-ha!
35:29Utterly obsessed with me!
35:31Well, I'm afraid you're gonna have to butter out, Mel!
35:35Through the crowd, babe!
35:38Oh!
35:39I'm...
35:40I'm gonna put this on.
35:41He loves it when I'm cute.
35:42Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
35:43I'm gonna put this on.
35:44Oh!
35:46Oh!
35:50Oh!
35:52Oh!
35:53Hi!
35:54Hi!
35:55And this is Aoife.
35:57I didn't bring her in just now in case you said no, but, well, she'd love to meet you.
36:01Hello, Aoife.
36:02Hello, Aoife.
36:03Aoife.
36:04Aoife.
36:05Aoife.
36:06Aoife.
36:07Yes, ee-whatever.
36:09And-and you are?
36:10Tristram's fiancée.
36:13I don't think so.
36:14Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
36:16No, of course you are.
36:18Of course you are.
36:20No, come here.
36:22Come here.
36:24Just go on through.
36:25Fire's on.
36:26Ha-ha-ha!
36:31Ha-ha-ha!
36:32Drink!
36:34Yeah, please.
36:35Aoife's been dying to meet you.
36:37Has she?
36:39Ha-ha-ha-ha!
36:41I always said if I ever got married, then the only person I'd want to marry me was Geraldine
36:47Granger.
36:48Superb.
36:49Superb.
36:50Well, here's to love and marriage, which go together like a horse and carriage according
36:55to Cole Porter.
36:56He should know.
36:57He was gay.
36:58Ha-ha-ha-ha!
37:03Here's to Tristram and his young heifer.
37:08Superb.
37:09This is a strange name, isn't it?
37:11How do you spell that?
37:13A-O-I-F-E.
37:15Oh.
37:16Haven't bothered to leave any vowels for anyone else, then.
37:19You greedy hussy.
37:22Actually, actually, there's no U in it.
37:24I once, the soppy thing that I am, I left a message for Aoife.
37:28Aoife, missing you always.
37:35That's lovely, isn't it?
37:37Oh, you Irish.
37:38You love your wacky spelling, don't you?
37:41You say that again.
37:42Her brother's called Breffni.
37:43Oh, what?
37:44Spelled K-R-T-N-Q-Z?
37:46That's the guy.
37:51Well, I love her with all my heart, that's all I can say, despite the name thing.
37:56Good.
37:58Good.
37:59And I love him with all my heart.
38:01And I would be thrilled if you could marry us.
38:03I'd so love a woman to do it.
38:05I'd so love you to do it.
38:08And I'd be honoured to do it, Aoife.
38:11You're lovely.
38:12Oh.
38:14Oh, look.
38:15We're really sorry to interrupt your Christmas.
38:17It just seemed like the perfect time to fix a wedding.
38:20And after all, it's what Christmas is all about, isn't it?
38:23Love.
38:24It is.
38:25It is.
38:27It is.
38:29That and overeating till you spew.
38:33Well, cheers.
38:34Ohh.
38:35God.
38:37It is.
38:39OK.
38:42What?
38:45Good.
38:46It is.
38:47What?
38:48Is it?
38:49It is.
38:50Is it?
38:51You're good.
38:52You're good.
38:53I don't see.
38:54Oh! Let's get some callipers from my knees. These have surrendered completely.
39:07Hello, Vic. Please.
39:10Yes, I am a bit. Come on in.
39:17Did you have a good day?
39:20Oh, yeah. Best Christmas we've ever had. We were just sitting round and I said,
39:25I had never had such a good Christmas. And Mum said, haven't you? And I said, no, I haven't.
39:30She said, you haven't, haven't you? And I said, no, I haven't.
39:33Yes, yes. I think you've got the hang of that bit.
39:36And then I thought, actually, everything is better in the village since the Vic arrived.
39:42Oh, Alice. Thank you.
39:45And I thought, I wonder if the Vic knows it. So, I thought she probably doesn't know it.
39:49Oh, no. Who can that be? Not another Scottish sadist and his Irish tart come round to torture me.
39:56Well, as I was saying, I thought she probably doesn't know, so I went round and looked at everyone.
40:01Oh, Alice. Oh, Alice.
40:03Oh, Alice.
40:05I don't know what to say.
40:07Yeah, I do.
40:08What's that, Jim?
40:09Charades.
40:10Oh, Alice.
40:11Oh, Alice, come in.
40:13And anyone who does that disgusting mime for Gone With The Wind is straight back out again.
40:17Don't worry about the catering, Vicar. We've all got together and produced a rather splendid selection of turkey sandwiches!
40:23Not for me, I don't think.
40:25We do have one, Vicar. We put so much effort into it.
40:28Some of them have got cranberry jelly, some of them have got pic-a-lily. We've been at it all afternoon.
40:32Oh, all right, then. I don't think I should, really.
40:36No, just as I thought. Big mistake. Excuse me.
40:54It's definitely a film.
40:57Yes.
40:58And it is one word.
41:01Yes.
41:04Give up?
41:05Yes.
41:06Yes.
41:07It's jars.
41:08Jars?
41:09I've not seen it, but apparently it's about these big jars that attack people.
41:17Jars.
41:18Jars.
41:19Jars.
41:20Jars.
41:21Jars.
41:22Jars.
41:23Jars.
41:24Jars.
41:25Jars.
41:26Jars.
41:27Jars.
41:28Jars.
41:29Jars.
41:30Jars.
41:31Jars.
41:32Jars.
41:33Jars.
41:34Jars.
41:35Jars.
41:36Jars.
41:37Jars.
41:38Jars.
41:39Jars.
41:40Jars.
41:41Jars.
41:42Jars.
41:43Jars.
41:44Jars.
41:45Jars.
41:46Jars.
41:47Jars.
41:48Jars.
41:49Jars.
41:50Jars.
41:51Jars.
41:52Jars.
41:53Jars.
41:54Jars.
41:55Jars.
41:56Jars.
41:57Jars.
41:58Jars.
41:59Jars.
42:00Jars.
42:03Jars.
42:04Jars.
42:05Thanks a lot. I should be out just after New Year.
42:15And the Vicar of Dibley in lockdown is streaming now on iPlayer,
42:19while Dawn French chats to Fee and Jane on the Fortunately podcast on the BBC Sounds app.
42:25Paul McCartney performs a one-off gig at the Cavern Club here on BBC One at 11.45.
42:30That's after the news. Next.
42:35Right. Knock, knock.
42:45Who's there?
42:46The Interrupting Sheep.
42:49The Interrupting Sheep.
42:51Meh!
42:54Did you get it?
42:56No, sorry, because I hadn't finished my bit. Do it again.
42:58No, that's the joke. The Interrupting Sheep always interrupts people. See?
43:04And that's funny.
43:05Yes. It's hilarious.
43:09Well, in that case, I know hundreds of hilarious jokes like that.
43:13Do you?
43:14Yeah, I do.
43:15Knock, knock.
43:16Who's there?
43:17The Interrupting Cow.
43:19The Interrupting Cow.
43:20Moo!
43:24Knock, knock.
43:25Who's there?
43:26The Interrupting Rabbit.
43:27The Interrupting Rabbit, who?
43:34What noise does a rabbit make?
43:37I know they sort of twitch their noses and...
43:40I wonder if I didn't get the church to agree to the idea of verger culling.
43:45It's the largest shown on the other side.
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