- 2 hours ago
First broadcast 13th April 1976.
Trevor has rotten job and a bitchy wife so answers an advert to become a "life-swapper".
Sheila Gish - Dinah/Miss Trevor
Anthony Douse - Trevor/Miss Trevor/Bunny
Peter Egan - Bunny/Trevor/Miss Trevor/Dinah
Donald Burton - Mr. Nigel
Miriam Margolyes - Miriam/Miss Babberton
Trevor has rotten job and a bitchy wife so answers an advert to become a "life-swapper".
Sheila Gish - Dinah/Miss Trevor
Anthony Douse - Trevor/Miss Trevor/Bunny
Peter Egan - Bunny/Trevor/Miss Trevor/Dinah
Donald Burton - Mr. Nigel
Miriam Margolyes - Miriam/Miss Babberton
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:08I don't mind long hair if it's clean.
00:10Can't tell the boys from the girls.
00:13They think they can sign on the doll.
00:14The more children they have.
00:16The more money they get.
00:17Innocent people's lives.
00:19You'll be strung up.
00:21Sex, filth.
00:22What about television?
00:23No, it's all rubbish.
00:25Sorry, but not at 80p a pound.
00:27I suppose we'll never have chops again.
00:31The British Empire stood for something.
00:34Never mind.
00:34It's always darkest before the dawn.
00:55Dino.
00:58Dino.
00:59I don't suppose you could possibly see you waiting.
01:01Oh, can't you see I'm tired?
01:03Not now.
01:05Maybe next year.
01:06Thank you, darling.
01:07That'll be something to look forward to.
01:09Or the year after.
01:10Oh, better still.
01:12Anyway, aren't you supposed to be starting a new job today?
01:15I can't lie here all morning, can we?
01:17Whisper and sweet nothings.
01:19You know, I've got a feeling this is going to be the big one.
01:23Hello, lover.
01:25Did I wake you up?
01:26The opportunity I've been waiting for.
01:28You'll be leaving in a few minutes.
01:29I mean, if I can impress the boss.
01:31Neither can I.
01:32And I work hard.
01:34Make it soon.
01:35Who knows?
01:35One of these days.
01:37Bye.
01:38Prime Minister.
01:40No.
01:42Just a friend.
02:00Swap-portunity time.
02:01And something a little unusual this morning, to say the least.
02:05It's not a three-piece suit this gentleman wants to swap,
02:07and it's not a pair of football boots.
02:09No, it's his life.
02:11You've heard me, his life.
02:12He's written it to say that he feels in a rut,
02:14and would like someone to change places with him for a while.
02:17So, there you are.
02:18If anyone's got a sense of adventure,
02:20and feels they'd like to be in somebody else's shoes,
02:23well, you write in, and I'll put you in touch.
02:25And now let's get on with some music, and Andy Roberts.
02:29Andy Roberts.
02:41Look here, has that secretary arrived yet from the agency?
02:44Yes, he's here with me now, sir.
02:48Well, send her in!
02:49Don't just sit there, picking the scabs off your elbow.
02:53Very good, sir.
03:17What the dead fish do you want?
03:19the agency sent me sir the agency which agency the dirty old man's agency rent a tramp no sir
03:25the secretarial agency
03:34oh you're no good no good at all
03:39they usually send a girl using short skirt big knockers that sort of thing
03:43i'm afraid you're no good at all well might i suggest kind sir that i go back and ask him
03:47to
03:47send a young lady yes or better still why not go back and ask them to send a young lady
03:51good idea
03:51sir oh by the way open the door before you go out will you it's the new secretary sir
04:14not behind time send her in send her in
04:32ah that's better
04:35um would you like a sherry or something before we uh get down to it oh thank you tea coffee
04:41no i wouldn't
04:42say no to a coffee there's tea if you'd rather coffee please or coffee if you prefer coffee
04:45let me see i bet you like it um black one sugar two shaggers and white please i thought so
04:54send in a coffee would you black one sugar now then how's your shorthand growing a bit now sir
05:00jolly good well let's get down to it shall we now the first letter is to i say this is
05:05very remiss of
05:06me wouldn't you like a sherry or something before we uh get down to it well uh tea coffee coffee
05:11please
05:11how do you like it black with one sugar i thought so miss beverton i don't want to take any
05:20the president i said i don't want to take any more calls for the next 20 minutes is that clear
05:30now the first letter is to the acme trucking company los angeles hartfordshire dear sirs keep
05:37on trucking yours faithfully etc etc second letter is to the holland park secretarial agency holland
05:43park dear miss holland feel i must complain about the first secretary you sent me this morning not
05:48only was she not pretty with soft dimpled knees and curvy bosoms but she was a man moreover the
05:54replacement you replaced it with though no doubt a sassy young filly in its day leaves however a lot
06:01to be desired yours faithfully etc etc p.s the ones i like best are the ones like the one
06:07you sent me
06:07just before last christmas who got me by the drinks covered up oh by the way what's your name i
06:19forgot
06:19to ask earlier trevor trevor that can be a man's name can't yes he can be like leslie and steve
06:25that's right jackie jackie deirdre deirdre no i don't think deirdre oh he said lots of girls
06:29called deirdre anyway we're not here to banter and chit chat are we here to work at least you are
06:35take a letter mr other to mrs d lacewell 17 sycamore street bloomington
06:44my dearest diner yesterday afternoon was magnificent those few stolen hours we spent
06:53together mean more to me than than anything when i think of your soft creamy thighs
07:05etc etc i will call around again this evening and sit outside in my car until you can make your
07:10excuses and slip out say seven to seven fifteen if we're in luck and he's out put the plaster alsatian
07:18in the other window as you did last time can't wait to rip off your silken under things and put
07:29my
07:32etc etc etc you always faithfully no but leave that one unsigned don't want to incriminate myself
07:39in anything that might appear unto ward do i miss trevor yes well that seems to be all for now
07:44if
07:44you'll just make sure that those catch the last post this afternoon just a minute mr nigel if i did
07:49post these this afternoon then this letter might not arrive there until possibly tomorrow perhaps the day
07:53after what are you driving at well i assume the assassination is for this evening and if it is
07:59what's that to do with you damn well got no nothing but if you want the questionable lady i mean
08:04this
08:05lady in question to me this evening she won't be able to because she won't receive this letter
08:08until perhaps tomorrow or the day after see what you're getting at glad you spotted that
08:15maybe you better send it as a telegram rather long sir be very expensive true true why not
08:20telephone sir don't know the number yeah two eight three oh eight double one and the trouble is you
08:25see she's got this husband i know i shouldn't be telling you all this miss trevor but anyway i don't
08:29want to risk telephoning in case well just in case i have a suggestion that might help any
08:37any suggestion that might help yes i could deliver it for you oh i couldn't ask you to do that
08:41miss trevor and i'll go to all that trouble no trouble at all i mean 17 sycamore street is
08:47practically on my doorstep oh in that case i'll be very grateful very good of you miss trevor oh part
08:52of the service jolly good well now all work and no play makes jack a dull boy etc etc would
09:03you like
09:03to get on the table with me on the table table football fancy a game
09:34uh your dinner has gone to the hairdressers i am in the oven
09:45uh
09:48uh
09:50uh
09:52uh
09:54I don't know.
10:38You're not having a shower then, dear?
10:40No.
10:41I'll let the body reduce temperature at its own rate.
10:43Oh, that's a good idea.
10:45Dear, now, will you have a gazpacho to start with, or this consomme?
10:50Not for me, thanks.
10:51You go straight into the fish, will you?
10:53Very well.
10:53With a soul to glare, nice and light, won't spoil your appetite for the birth of fruit.
10:58I don't want any of that, Mark.
10:59But it's lovely.
11:00It's got meat in it.
11:01Well, yes, the beef has, but not the fish.
11:04I didn't put any in the fish.
11:06No.
11:06I'll just have my usual yogurt, wheat germ, and honey.
11:10Oh, not again.
11:11Better for you than all this chemicalized, cholesterolized, battery bread.
11:15No, it's not.
11:17It's granary.
11:18It's fertilized poison.
11:19Nature's own food is the answer.
11:22Yogurt, wheat germ, honey, and vegetables.
11:27In the law.
11:30But not three times a day, seven days a week.
11:33Fifty-two weeks a year.
11:41Is that you, darling?
11:43No.
11:43It's your wife.
11:46You're home late.
11:48Yes.
11:48I stayed on for a few games of pinball with the boss.
11:52Mr. Nigel.
11:56There's a letter for you, by the way.
11:58Delivered by hand, I think.
11:59It's on the mantelpiece.
12:09Is it important, darling?
12:11Huh?
12:12No.
12:15No, nothing.
12:16Who's it from, then?
12:17My sister.
12:20The one in Australia?
12:22That's right, yes.
12:24She must have walked a long way to deliver it.
12:27The length some people will go to, to save a few pence.
12:30Not her.
12:31Another one.
12:32Oh, which other one, darling?
12:33The one that writes letters and delivers them by hand.
12:36That one.
12:41Just slipping out for a few minutes, Trevor.
12:43How long for?
12:44As long as it takes.
12:56As long as what takes, darling?
12:59A meeting.
13:00Women's rights.
13:01Oh.
13:03Anything for pudding?
13:19Not bad, eh?
13:21There aren't many men of my age that are as fit as me.
13:25Yes, but where's the fun in it?
13:28I mean, what are you getting yourself fit for?
13:30A healthy death?
13:33Well, look at you.
13:34Every day and all day you spend in the kitchen.
13:36The only time you're not eating is when you're cooking.
13:38It's ridiculous.
13:39It's my job.
13:40For ages, we were the only family around here who had a seven-course breakfast every morning.
13:44Oh, you're lucky.
13:45Some wives don't even give their husbands a cup of tea.
13:47It's not for me.
13:47You do it.
13:48You need a guinea pig for your recipes.
13:50Your weekly column in the Butcher's Gazette.
13:52And this week's recipe, birth on croat.
13:55Fruit!
13:56Take a young cow, cut its head off, season to taste, wrap it in pastry, and stick it in
14:03the oven, washed down with a cariff of blood, served at room temperature.
14:08It's cruel.
14:09Down with flesh eaters, cannibals, all of you.
14:19Vegetarians are cruel, unthinking people.
14:22Everyone knows that a carrot screams when grated.
14:26That a peach bleeds when torn apart.
14:28Do you think an orange, insensitive to thumbs gouging out its flesh, that tomatoes spill their
14:34brains painlessly?
14:36Potatoes, potatoes, skinned alive and boiled, the soil's little lobsters.
14:43Don't tell me it doesn't hurt when peas are ripped from the scrotum, the hide played off
14:49sprouts, cabbage shredded, onions beheaded.
14:52It's the blood I can't stand.
14:53Throw in the towel, lay down the hole, mow no more, let my people go!
15:03Pardon?
15:04I said, any replies to your advert, dear?
15:06No, not yet.
15:10Well, I had one.
15:12Oh, no good?
15:14He's a Pakistani.
15:15He'd have liked my biryanis.
15:16Oh, yes.
15:18Don't today.
15:19I said, no.
15:20Oh, yes.
15:29I look forward to it.
15:29No, yes.
15:30You just did kill us.
15:30Oh, yes.
15:30Oh, yes.
15:31Oh, no.
15:31Somebody say, I don't have any ignore what to do what to do.
15:31Oh, no.
15:31Oh, no.
15:31Oh, no.
15:31More.
15:31Oh, no, no.
15:31Oh, no.
15:32Anything.
15:36Oh, no.
15:39Oh, no.
15:42Oh, no, no.
15:53If I'm not back by 11, Trevor, don't wait up for me.
15:56If I'm not back by Saturday, the milk money's behind the jug.
16:33I like dogs.
16:37Prefer cats.
16:40Cats are slow.
16:43Dogs make too much noise.
17:14Dogs make too much noise.
17:28Dogs make too much noise.
17:29Life-swapper.
17:31No.
17:32Life-swapper.
17:34Professional man, prime of life, married, childless, seeks like-minded soul willing to exchange lives for a period of three
17:44months.
17:45Strict confidence.
17:47Box 306.
17:56I didn't know you were in.
17:58I've been waiting up for you.
17:59Told you not to.
18:00You must have crept in.
18:01You look so peaceful.
18:02I couldn't bear to disturb you.
18:04What are you fiddling in my wardrobe for?
18:06I'm just getting my dress ready for the morning.
18:08The boss is very particular.
18:09Honestly, you make me so ashamed going to work dressed up like a woman.
18:13You're lucky I have to work to go to.
18:14You know that.
18:15They're just like jobs for men these days.
18:17I mean, when they used to be coal mined at shipyards and heavy industry, there were lots of jobs for
18:20men because only men could do them.
18:22Well, my father was a bricklayer.
18:24Now show me an English bricklayer today.
18:27Well, the Irish are the builders today, Trevor.
18:29I mean, that's the way it is.
18:31Each nation specializes in what it's best at.
18:33Germans work in factories because they don't get bored easy.
18:36Italians are down the mines where it's nice and cool.
18:39French work the land.
18:41Dutch are the engineers.
18:42Belgians make out the forms.
18:44We fill them in.
18:44Well, that's what the English are best at in digital ever office work.
18:47It's shameful, birds.
18:48Well, that's what community living is all about.
18:50Divide and specializing.
18:51England Limited.
18:53Photocopiers, stenographers, typists, experts in the art of dictation, good spellers, nice writers.
18:58We know our P's and Q's.
19:00I'm before E except after C.
19:03England, the secretarial center of Europe.
19:06Belgians can't be choosers.
19:08And if you're postponed choosing a pair of knickers until morning, I'll be so grateful.
19:12Before you switch off, love, as it were, I'd like to discuss something with you.
19:16Oh, won't it wait till morning?
19:17I'm pissed off talking to you.
19:19I'd rather catch you while you're in a good mood, you see.
19:23I've answered an advert in the paper from a fellow who wanted to swap his life.
19:29No, not wife, life.
19:31What are you talking about?
19:32Well, you must have heard about it.
19:33I mean, lots of people are doing it nowadays.
19:36I swap my life with someone for a certain period of time.
19:38He takes on my lifestyle, or lack of it, and assumes my responsibilities, and I do the same for him.
19:45Where do I come in?
19:47Well, you'd have a new Trevor about the house for a couple of months.
19:52Oh.
19:54It's beginning to sound interesting.
19:56I mean, it can be fascinating.
19:58Stepping into another man's shoes, having a different job, different friends.
20:01Different wife.
20:02Different wife, yes.
20:05It'll be a wonderful experience.
20:07A rewarding one.
20:08It should make me a far more sympathetic and caring individual.
20:12What do you say?
20:15Well, I'd have to vet him first.
20:17I mean, I don't want anyone like you, do I?
20:19Well, no two people are exactly like.
20:21No.
20:22So I couldn't get stuck with anyone worse.
20:24That's one thing in your favour.
20:26Feel sorry for his wife, though.
20:28We may get on.
20:29Mmm.
20:30And Pete might fly.
20:32Pork air, fly you there.
20:43Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
20:46Welcome to pork air.
20:49Bonjour, mesdames, messieurs.
21:15Let you down, I see.
21:17Women, eh?
21:18But where would we be without them?
21:20You ask yourself.
21:21Pardon?
21:22I said you ask yourself.
21:24Where would we be without women?
21:26You ask yourself.
21:28Aye, I do.
21:29I ask myself that sometimes.
21:31At times like these?
21:32At such times, yes.
21:36You work here, do you?
21:37Where?
21:38Oh, in the park, do you mean?
21:40Do you mean, oh, look like a park keeper, do I?
21:45Well, it could have been the bicycle trips, I suppose.
21:47But you seem to fit in somehow.
21:51Be a gardener, perhaps.
21:53A man of the soil.
21:55No, I didn't leave school early enough, I'm afraid.
21:58You're right, though.
21:58I'd have enjoyed it.
22:00Each hand its own bus, manipulating other earth.
22:04But these hands, I'm afraid, are dictated to.
22:08What do you think of hands?
22:09I don't hold with them myself.
22:11Oh.
22:13What are you waiting here for, then?
22:15I've arranged to meet a chap.
22:17Oh.
22:19Ah.
22:21Bunny?
22:22Trevor?
22:23Silly of me.
22:24I should have guessed.
22:25Sorry, I don't hold with them.
22:27Oh.
22:30Well, we can't finalize details here.
22:34Let's see if the cafe is still open.
23:02Sure you won't have a sandwich?
23:04No, I don't eat between meals.
23:06Or during, really.
23:07Eh?
23:08I'm something of an aesthetic when it comes to food.
23:11I observe a strict diet.
23:13I think we all overeat.
23:16Some of us don't get the chance, I'm afraid.
23:18Mankind, in the West particularly, will have to make some radical changes regarding diet.
23:23If he is to survive.
23:31Your wife, it proves, is she a good cook?
23:33Good cook?
23:34She's a compulsive cook.
23:36Some people drive too fast.
23:37Some people drink too heavily.
23:40Well, Miriam, she's got a cooking problem.
23:42Cook, cook, cook all the time.
23:44Mind you, it's her job.
23:45She writes about it.
23:46Books, articles, you know.
23:48Cook, cook, cook, day and night.
23:50Till she's cordon brew in the face.
23:52You're a lucky man.
23:53I wouldn't give up anybody like that for three days.
23:55Never mind, three moons.
23:56I'm a vegan, you see.
23:57Oh, I'm Catholic, but I suppose nowadays...
24:00No, no.
24:00I mean, I don't eat meat or fish.
24:02Anything to do with the killing of God's creatures.
24:05Just yoghurt and wheat germ and honey.
24:12You'll do all right with our diner, then?
24:14Is she similarly inclined?
24:15No, I don't mean that.
24:16I mean, she's not over-interested in the culinary arts.
24:19She can always rustle up something tasty in the bedroom,
24:22but in the kitchen, she can't tell the difference
24:23between a fillet steak and a pork chop.
24:26If you'll excuse the language.
24:28Of course.
24:30She was saying, actually, that she'd like to vet, um,
24:33meet you before we decide definitely to go ahead with things.
24:36I don't think that's a very good idea, if you don't mind my saying so, Trevor.
24:39It can lead to all kinds of conditions being laid down
24:43and situations altered to suit the different individual.
24:46Ideally, we should walk into each other's situation
24:49just as it exists at the moment and take it from there.
24:52But there'd have to be arrangements made, surely.
24:54Like what?
24:55Oh, introductions to people, neighbours and the like, people at work.
24:58No, no, that would make them assume false roles.
25:01We've just got to walk right into each other's situation
25:03and deal with everything just as it comes.
25:06That's what's fascinating about it.
25:09As from now on, I'm Trevor, and you're Bunny.
25:14I'm Bunny?
25:15Yes.
25:17Can I change my name?
25:18No, you can't.
25:20Well, Bunny's a bit, you know, a bit...
25:22You'll get used to it.
25:24Give it a couple of weeks,
25:26and you'll be a Bunny.
25:43Have you done this sort of thing before, Bunny?
25:46Trevor.
25:47Sorry, Trevor.
25:48Yes, I did it once.
25:50About three years ago, actually.
25:52It was quite successful,
25:54although it got a bit much in the end.
25:56In what way?
25:56Well, Colin, that was the chap I exchanged with.
26:00He got on quite well with my wife.
26:03Took her on a cruise, as a matter of fact.
26:05Canaries, you know.
26:06Very generous of him.
26:07My money.
26:08Oh.
26:09We didn't realise till afterwards.
26:11But it wasn't only that.
26:13It was his wife, Belinda.
26:15Didn't hit it off.
26:16She got an ulcer, you see.
26:18Stomach.
26:19I had to break the news to her a fortnight after I got there.
26:22I nursed her for two months,
26:24and she died.
26:25Messy.
26:27Colin and I changed back three days after the funeral.
26:32I hope your wife's in good health.
26:34Oh, you've got no worries there.
26:36And I'm not going to take myself on any holiday with your savings.
26:39I haven't got any.
26:40Oh, there you are, then.
26:42It's a matter of trust, really.
26:44Bunny?
26:45A matter of trust.
27:00And now I think we should shake hands,
27:02exchange front door keys.
27:06You go my way and I'll go yours.
27:10I'll go your way and you go mine.
27:16Sorry.
27:16I'll go your way and I'll go my way and I'll go my way and I'll go my way and
27:19I'll go my way and I'll go my way and I'll go my way and I'll go my way and
27:20I'll go my way and I'll go my way and I'll go my way and I'll go my way and
27:27I'll go my way and I'll go my way and I'll go my way and I'll go my way and
27:32I'll go my way and I'll go my way.
27:51that rapist should be bloody well hung apparently he is what oh saucy very saucy is there anything
28:05that requires my attention mr. Nigel I mean I've been here over an hour yes I'm sorry about that
28:10but there's nothing come in this afternoon just hold on and I'll check with Miss Beverton
28:20Miss Beverton could you hold it there for just one moment
28:26Miss Beverton has anything come in this afternoon
28:36well we appear to be at a loose end I suppose we could uh
28:39sharpen a few pencils modulate our invoices play civil servants knock what's that well
28:46the same as postman's only in triplicate
28:54I say you're looking startlingly attractive today Miss Trevor thank you yes you look different
28:59somehow isn't a new hairstyle a change of notebook perhaps I really couldn't say oh yes Miss Trevor
29:06the goose has at last become a swan and who knows one day vice versa
29:15care for a game of footy
29:43that's for a game of footy
30:02Miss Trevor, you've come on in, bones and leaves, bones and leaves, look here, I know
30:15And I wondered if you care to come there with me this evening, perhaps a little, um, macrobiotic supper afterwards,
30:23it's very kind of you, Mr. Nigel, don't call me sir, thank you, sir, but it's a bit awkward, you
30:29see, because I do have a keep fit class this evening, well, how about tomorrow, no time like the future,
30:34that would be nice, in tray,
30:56Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,
31:02ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,
31:07ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,
31:10ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,
31:10ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,
31:10ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
31:14even if it is only for a short time.
31:16Now, now, we promise we wouldn't talk about that.
31:18But I must say, you're a pleasure to cook for.
31:21Oh, it's wonderful, really.
31:23Sometimes when I'm away from you,
31:24like cycling down the street or walking in the park,
31:27I just have to whisper your name.
31:31Miriam.
31:33I whisper, Miriam.
31:36And all the saliva comes bubbling up.
31:41Miriam.
31:43Miriam.
31:45And all the gastric juices start flowing.
31:49It's never happened to me like this before.
31:59Just two lost souls side by side on the menu
32:04And I'm satisfied when you are near me
32:09And you are the cause of my delirium
32:13Miriam.
32:15Miriam.
32:19Miriam.
32:20I'm going to ask you over you
32:22Miriam.
32:25My goose is cooked, I'm thoroughly high-eyed
32:31My heart is hooked, way up in the sky
32:35I'd send anyone else to the back of the queue
32:41Cos I'm going to ask you over you
32:48Cosmips and celery, a lamb chop or two
32:53Onions and aubergine.
32:57Onions and aubergine's and pig's eggs from crew
33:05These are the flowers that I bring to you
33:11These are the flowers that I bring to you
33:27I'm a man for seasoning
33:27No longer blue
33:29I'm a man for all seasoning
33:33My heart is choked
33:35It's burst at the seams
33:38For you are the drill of my dreams
33:43For you are the drill of my dreams
34:08To find
34:14My bouillabaisse has everything
34:17If you were a napkin I'd give you a ring
34:19All I want to do is feed and mind you
34:22If you were a peppercorn, I'd grind you
34:26Come and taste my beef strong enough
34:28I hope my teeth are strong enough
34:31Here is my fondue, please take a dip
34:34If you were a waitress, I'd double my tick
34:41You are the dish I adore, Miriam
34:46Let's not waste time, face it with bravery
34:51Life is sublime
34:54Both sweet and savory
34:57Let us tuck into each other once more
35:03For you are the dish I adore
35:08I'm humbled, crumbled, completely unmoved
35:14By those three little words
35:17The love is soft
35:19Yes, you are the dish I adore
35:39Darling, sorry not to have seen you over these last weeks
35:44But I've been tied up at the office
35:48I've tried ringing you several times
35:50But I don't know the number
35:52I'm afraid I won't be able to meet you on Sunday
35:54Like as you suggest in your very welcome letter
35:57Like as I will be out of town
35:58No, no, out of the country
36:00For a few weeks
36:01A few months
36:03Of course, faithfully, N
36:05Short for Nigel, you understand
36:07P.S. I never want to see you again
36:10Right, you better get that out right away
36:12While I sort through these
36:16Right, sir
36:17And what's the name and address?
36:18Yes
36:19Well, you should know
36:21Should I?
36:22Yes, of course
36:23I seem to find it hard to concentrate these days
36:25B.2 deficiency
36:27Could be, could be
36:28Here, have a couple
36:29B.2 or not B.2, that is the question, eh?
36:36Actually, you know, maybe I should give her the news personally
36:38Face-to-face, man-to-woman, that sort of thing
36:40That usually is the best way, sir
36:41Otherwise, these things tend to drag on
36:43Drag on, yeah, she's a drag on, all right
36:45Yes, tear up that communique
36:48I'll go around and see her this evening
36:49And break the news gently
36:51But firmly
36:52But firmly
36:52In the landscape of my heart, I will say
36:55You are the smoking remains of a crashed Spitfire
36:59Yes, sir, that should do the trick
37:01Meanwhile, shall I carry on with these?
37:03Yes, do, you are an upturned pinball machine
37:11A blazing petrol pump, attendant
37:20An old boot
37:25Miss Trevor, I've been thinking
37:26Miss Trevor, I've broken the keys for a moment
37:28Miss Trevor, now that time will hang heavy on my loins
37:32As a result of my terminating this sordid affair
37:35What a slut she was
37:36I know the type
37:37You should, you're a typist
37:39As I was saying
37:40Now that I'm feet loose and fancy free
37:42I wondered if I
37:43You see I've got some time owing to be here
37:45And well, there's this little health and beauty farm I now have in Devonshire
37:47You'd love it
37:49Wholemeal bread
37:50Wholesale nudity
37:51You know the sort of thing
37:52Free-range eggs
37:52Free-range love
37:53One-armed bandits
37:54Tame bees
37:55All-night glucose bars
37:56Yogurt, vitamins AC, DC
37:58And no questions asked
37:59What do you say?
38:01Is there yoghurt?
38:04Carton loads
38:27Here, put this in the fridge darling
38:30Okay
38:32And I'll serve the red at sealed temperature
38:37Now, now here is taramasillata
38:44And goose liver pate
38:46With truffles
38:50And there's trout in aspic
38:51And fresh salmon
38:53With cucumber sauce
38:55Which I know you like
38:56You're a marvel
38:58When did you do all this?
38:59This morning
38:59When you were asleep
39:02Even the bread's still hot
39:03It's freshly baked
39:04With your own
39:05Lovely two hands
39:09Baked with love
39:13Are you happy?
39:15Yes, Benny
39:16I'll always make you happy, you know
39:18Leave a clean plate every time
39:20I know you will
39:22I mean
39:25You're sure, aren't you?
39:26About what we're going to do
39:29Yes
39:30I've thought about it a lot
39:32I'm very sure
39:34Just afraid of
39:35Of losing you, that's all
39:37I'd never exchange you, you know
39:38Not for anyone
39:39I'd never know now
39:41Let's drink to it
40:28Who's canoe am I supposed to paddle now?
40:30Paddle your own
40:31Going off like this without so much as a buy or leave
40:34Me alone
40:34Who is she then?
40:36That little trollop you're trolloping off with
40:38It's got nothing to do with you
40:40Nothing to do with me?
40:42I mean
40:42You're supposed to be my
40:44Open perverted commas
40:46Husband
40:46Closed perverted commas
40:49Wives who've been life swapped
40:50To be protected against this sort of thing
40:52You'll get your money every week
40:53It's not only the money
40:55No woman likes to be deserted
40:57To be treated like an old toe rag
41:01When you swapped with Trevor
41:02You took on his responsibilities
41:03Accepting the vows that he'd made
41:05And now you're effing off with some little tart
41:07The old Trevor would never have done that
41:10Well the new Trevor's made of sterner stuff
41:12And nonsense
41:14I'm going to report to you, you know
41:15To the Civil Liberties Commission
41:18You have taken far too many civil liberties with me
41:24You both have
41:25You've got a lover as well
41:26Maybe more than one
41:29No, I haven't
41:30Coming back at all hours of the night
41:31Never cleaned the place up
41:33A slut, that's what you are
41:35Lazy, self-centered
41:37Bitter, promiscuous
41:38That's you
41:39Of course you've got your faults as well
41:42No one's perfect
41:46The old Trevor should have left you years ago
41:48No one would have him for a start
41:50He wouldn't have the guts to leave anyway
41:52Well I hope he proves you wrong
41:54He won't
41:57Who is she then?
41:58Who?
41:59The piece that you're going away with
42:02Someone I met at work
42:03When the three months is up, will you go back to your proper wife?
42:06No
42:07Bastard
42:08You've really got it worked out, haven't you?
42:11Keep changing your life till you find one that suits you, then stick
42:14Doesn't matter what happens to people on the way
42:15They can all do the same
42:25You know
42:27That's really quite clever of you, Dinah
42:32You're more astute than I gave you credit for
42:38I'll tell you something now
42:40Something I didn't even tell Trevor
42:42Your Trevor
42:44He asked me if I'd ever life swapped before
42:46I said I had once
42:48And told him about it
42:49But I didn't tell him
42:50And what I'm telling you now
42:52Because in a way you've guessed
42:55Is that I've been doing it for over 53 years
42:58Swapping your life?
43:00Exchanging it with someone else who was dissatisfied
43:02Before I was Trevor, I was Bunny
43:05A health freak, married to a rather jolly fat good food guru
43:09Before that, I was Palmer
43:11A police inspector in Newcastle
43:13Married?
43:14About to be
43:15In my life of many lives
43:17I've smuggled, modelled, made cars, sold them, been run over by them
43:23I've been a homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, pederast, anthropologist
43:28I've been an airline pilot, a bishop, a lead guitarist
43:32My search for the ideal identity has taken me all over the world
43:36I've served in Vietnam
43:38Worked for the CIA, the IRA, Tesco's, and Bader Meinhof
43:43I've been busted for drugs and commended for bravery
43:46Lived in castles, caravans, caves, and council houses
43:51From Birmingham New Street to Birmingham, Alabama
43:54I left my heart in San Francisco
43:56And my socks in San Tropez
43:59Fancy
43:59I've seeded at Wimbledon
44:00Watered at Biarritz
44:02Pussied at snooker
44:04I've delivered babies
44:06Newspapers, milk
44:08And the goods
44:09I've transplanted hair, kidneys, Dutch elms, and Dutch caps
44:13I've executed criminals
44:15And high dives
44:16I've been the adulterer and the cuckold
44:19The robber and the robbed
44:21The judge and the accused
44:22The convict and the screw
44:24The revolutionary and the capitalist
44:28I have seen all
44:32And learned nothing
44:34You've lived a full life
44:38Many
44:40Many
44:41Many
44:43Oh, look
44:46Why don't you stay?
44:49Pardon?
44:51Stay
44:53Better still
44:54Take me away instead
44:56Away from all this
44:57What about Trevor?
44:58He's a fool
44:59And your lover?
45:00He'll get over it
45:02What I was thinking
45:03You see
45:05Was that you could exchange
45:06Being you
45:08Now
45:09With someone else
45:11Someone high up
45:12Rich
45:14Famous
45:16Film star
45:18Someone like that
45:21And I could come with you
45:24No thanks
45:26I
45:27I
45:27I could look after you
45:29Mind the villa while you're away
45:31Filming
45:32No thanks
45:33Well, how about
45:35A Grand Prix driver
45:37I'll be company for you in Monte Carlo
45:40Indianapolis
45:41Brands Hatch
45:43Oh
45:46Unpack your things
45:48Go on
45:50I'll think of someone nice for you to be
45:57The aura that surrounds you Dinah
45:59Is the colour of the sky the morning after a pit disaster
46:02You and whose army?
46:05When you are near
46:06Dogs, wine, flowers, wilt
46:09And babies fill their nappies
46:10You're not so good yourself
46:13I was blind
46:14And you led me astray
46:16You're a hard woman
46:17But an easy lay
46:19What are you trying to tell me, Nigel?
46:22I'm trying to tell you that in the scheme of my things
46:24You no longer feature
46:25You are a dodo
46:26We are kaput
46:29You are a crumpled keenex
46:31And I wipe my nose of you
46:34If you've got something to say
46:37Say it!
46:44What if she's in?
46:45She won't be
46:46She never is at this time
46:48What if she is?
46:49I just have to tell her
46:50Throw a few things in her bag and leave
46:53I suppose Bunny's there?
46:55Well he can hardly object to her, can he?
46:57Besides, he's probably somebody else by now
47:00You're right, of course
47:02Just that I hate seeds
47:04I can stand up to Dinah, don't you worry
47:06As long as you're behind me
47:09I will be
47:10Better still, in front of me
47:14Behind you
47:15All right then
47:17So...
47:18Trevor! Dinah! Trevor! Bunny! Bunny!
47:21Bunny! I mean Bunny, I mean Trevor
47:22I mean Trevor
47:23Who are these antelopes, Dinah?
47:26Well, the one in the nightie
47:28Is my swap soiled husband
47:30The other thing, I presume
47:31Is his leasehold wife
47:33This is no time for your brand of petty sarcasm, Dinah
47:36We're here on important business
47:37You're not the only ones!
47:39I've come to collect my napkin ring and things
47:41Miriam and I are eloping
47:43Together?
47:44Well that's the way it's usually done, isn't it?
47:45Ha!
47:46I say, haven't we met before?
47:47Name is Nigel, but you can call me
47:49Piss off!
47:50Well you can if you like, but I would have preferred sir
47:52And what is going to happen to me?
47:54Now that everyone else is fixed up?
47:56Nobody cares whether I swim or sink
47:58Of course we do
47:59I'll put the kibosh on it all, that's what I'll do
48:01Spill a few beans in the right places
48:04Soon put a stop to your little plans
48:06And you won't find it much fun
48:08Swapping lives in wormwood scrubs
48:10Holloway, surely?
48:11Ha! No!
48:12Look, Dinah
48:13You can't destroy the lives and happiness of four innocent people
48:16You can say that again!
48:17No! Look, Dinah
48:18You can't destroy the lives and happiness of four innocent people
48:21Ha! You can talk
48:23You're the one who caused all the trouble
48:24Everyone was fine before you came along with your stupid selfish ideas
48:28Someone has to make a sacrifice and it might as well be you
48:33Why me?
48:34Because you're the one left over
48:38But I'll be all alone
48:40There'll be no one not to cook for
48:44There'll be no one not to look after
48:48No one not to tell lies to
48:52Just me
48:55And my reflection in the mirror
48:58My reflection
49:00And me
49:02And my reflection
49:04And me
49:06And my reflection
49:10And me
49:11And my reflection
49:25I'll take my own life, that's what I'll do
49:28I'll take my own life!
49:34There's a much simpler solution.
49:36Swap it.
49:38Exchange it with someone who's as happy as the day is short.
49:42We can be whoever we want to be.
49:45Remember?
49:49Who would swap with me?
49:53Who would want to be me?
49:59Let's go and talk it over.
50:01Somewhere quiet.
50:17I'll just get my stuff together.
50:24Anybody care for a paper clip?
50:25No, thanks.
50:28Hurry up, darling.
50:30Don't want to be late for the soybean barbecue.
50:44Ready when you are, Mr. Nigel, sir.
50:49Bye.
50:51Jove, Miss Trevor.
50:53You never lovelier looked more.
50:58Bye.
50:59Bye.
51:00Bye.
51:00Bye.
51:01Bye.
51:03Thanks for being so decent about it.
51:04We were made for each other.
51:06Good luck.
51:07If I were you, I'd take Bonnie's advice, whatever it was.
51:09He's usually right.
51:10Are you going to do a swap?
51:15Yes.
51:16I'm going to do a swap.
51:18A blind swap.
51:21A big one.
51:28It is a far, far better thing I do than I've ever done.
51:32It is a far, far better rest I go to than I've ever known.
51:55Dinner is signed.
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