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00:00Come on, Papadakis. It's your last lap.
00:03You only have to run a 10-minute mile.
00:05You know what? Papadakis may have lost 40 pounds,
00:08but he still sweats like a fat body.
00:10What's his time? He's running 20 seconds behind.
00:12Yeah, but if he's a little over,
00:14you're still gonna pass him on the Army fitness test, right?
00:16No. Everybody has to be battle-ready,
00:18including Papadakis.
00:19I want to die!
00:21Please let me die!
00:22You can do it, Papadakis!
00:24I believe in you!
00:26He cannot do it. I do not believe in him.
00:28You know what? I actually do believe in him.
00:30He just needs the proper motivation.
00:31Major?
00:32Mm-hmm?
00:33Deploy our new recruit.
00:34Yes, sir!
00:35Sergeant Scraps!
00:37Go get him!
00:39Operation He's a Good Boy is a go.
00:44You trained a dog to attack him?
00:49It's a sheep-herding dog.
00:50It's just gonna nip at his heels.
00:53It's working.
00:54He's still 10 seconds behind, though.
00:55All right, time for Operation Who's a Bad Boy.
00:57Who's a bad boy?
01:00Ah!
01:01Ah!
01:02Ah!
01:03Ah!
01:04He has gotten insane!
01:05Ah!
01:06Ah!
01:07Oh, my God!
01:08Oh, my God!
01:09Oh!
01:10Ah!
01:11Ah!
01:12Stop running now!
01:13You cast the Army fitness test!
01:15Can't!
01:16They won't stop chasing me!
01:18Tell me!
01:20They won't stop chasing me!
01:21They won't stop chasing me!
01:22They won't stop chasing me!
01:24What a beauty.
01:48Took a useless bowling alley and turned it into the best urban training site in all of Europe.
01:53And now Stroopsturf will be known for three things.
01:56Laundry, cheese, and kicking your ass.
02:00Hey, uh, remember when I said when are we going to get General Davidson's permission to build this and you said how's he going to find out?
02:05Gwen!
02:06What?
02:06How dare you go behind my back and destroy this beautiful bowling alley?
02:11Well.
02:11I was joining a league this year.
02:12We were going to call ourselves the Pin-Up Boys.
02:14What?
02:15Shirts were made.
02:16Shirts?
02:17Are you trying to provoke me?
02:19Sir, we need to stay militarily viable.
02:21I think that's more important than you throwing a few gutter balls on Tuesday nights.
02:25Something you gotta know about me.
02:27I bowl good.
02:30Well, I army good.
02:33I'm considered one of the greatest military minds of my generation, which is why the Quinn Maneuver has been taught at West Point.
02:39It's not.
02:39What?
02:39Actually, your reverse pincer movement has been removed from the textbook.
02:43Why?
02:43Why would they do that?
02:44Well, let's see.
02:45It was irrelevant, stupid, and reckless, just like you.
02:49I'd rather be all those things than a stupid pin-up boy with a fancy shirt.
02:53Well, I will be here tomorrow with the paratroopers of the 173rd.
02:58And together, we will teach you about the chain of command.
03:02Great.
03:03No rules.
03:04Love it.
03:04Double blind.
03:06Fantastic.
03:06Force on force.
03:07Simulated combat.
03:09We look forward to some unfriendly combat competition.
03:13Bring it on, creepo.
03:14Oh, you're thinking that you and your troops will be doing the fighting?
03:18You misunderstand.
03:19I'm bringing in the paratroopers to fight with each other.
03:23Are you telling me you're going to come in here and have an orgy in my living room and make me listen at the door?
03:28No.
03:29Actually, I'm going to keep the door open.
03:33It's true.
03:34You've been excised from this year's edition of the West Point textbook.
03:37And replaced with a picture of a war horse, like the war horse in the movie War Horse.
03:41Which is based on the play War Horse.
03:43I think it's based on a book.
03:44War Horse.
03:45Enough with the war horse, okay?
03:48It's humiliating.
03:49Sitting and watching combat on my own base while I'm not involved.
03:53Permission to give you a supportive hug, sir.
03:56Yep.
03:57You know what?
03:59Nah.
03:59Davidson turned me into a cuck.
04:01He cucked me.
04:01He turned his chair into a cuck chair.
04:03I'm a sitting.
04:04Cuck.
04:04Cuck.
04:05You know what?
04:05No more sitting.
04:06We're getting rid of chairs.
04:07Everybody stands from now on.
04:09Take the stupid book.
04:10Yep.
04:10Got it.
04:11On it.
04:12What is a cuck chair?
04:14You think he's going to be okay?
04:16Yeah, he just needs time to process.
04:18Oh.
04:18Well, that actually sounds kind of healthy.
04:20Oh, no, no, no, no.
04:21Processing is what he calls plotting to destroy your enemy.
04:23Yeah, that sounds more like my dad.
04:25Hey, uh, I know Celeste and I have been checked out, but, um...
04:30Oh, well.
04:30We're looking to hang out again, and I'd love for us all to get together and you two to get
04:33to know each other, maybe?
04:34Unless that's weird.
04:35What?
04:36Weird?
04:37Why would that be weird?
04:39Literally no reason that would be weird.
04:41You're weird.
04:42You're weird.
04:42For being...
04:43Saying that it's...
04:45Weird.
04:45Uh, no, I love Celeste and I love you two together.
04:49I'd love to be with you two together.
04:52Yeah, absolutely.
04:52Great.
04:53All right, let's, uh, let's figure something out then.
04:54Let's get in the cow.
04:55I'm excited.
04:56I'm down.
04:57Looking forward to it.
04:59It's about time.
05:01Ooh, I'm so booked.
05:03I haven't set a date yet.
05:04Well, it's just really nights are hard for me, and only, like, um, only every night.
05:09Well, we could do breakfast, maybe?
05:11Celeste and I get up early every morning and we run together.
05:12Yeah, no, I've seen you guys.
05:14You'd think it would be really hard for you and your wife to jog and kiss at the same time,
05:18but you guys have really figured it out.
05:21Hey, guys, I know how to beat Davidson in his own game.
05:23You processed that in under two minutes.
05:25New record, sir?
05:26Listen, he wants no rules combat.
05:28We're gonna give it to him.
05:28All right, well, exactly how no rules are you thinking?
05:31Nothing crazy, you know.
05:33The first part's gonna sound like kidnapping, but I checked it out and legally we're in the clear.
05:37Sir, what you're describing is definitely kidnapping.
05:40No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
05:41Kidnapping is when you take someone against their will
05:43and use violence and intimidation to hold them captive.
05:47The worst you could say about what we're doing is maybe it's waylaying, you know?
05:50Okay, why do you have the legal statute for kidnapping memorized?
05:53Because I'm a patriot.
05:57Uh, why are we in Belgium?
06:00I don't know, man.
06:00My orders were to transport you to the drop-off, and this is the drop-off.
06:04All right, guys.
06:04Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
06:11You have all our equipment!
06:14Did we get kidnapped?
06:16I think, technically, we were waylaid.
06:19Holy crap!
06:21You told us we were stealing military supplies, not laser tag gear, dude.
06:24It's not laser tag.
06:25It's force-on-force simulated combat, okay?
06:28In a double-blind exercise, where neither side shares their plan with the other.
06:32Yeah.
06:32So General Davidson's blue team has no idea what red team is up to,
06:35like the fact that we are now red team.
06:38I still don't understand why we want to embarrass ourselves
06:41by attacking our direct superior and his super soldiers.
06:44General Davidson wanted no-rules combat,
06:46which means there's no rule we can't play.
06:48And Davidson's trying to cock me, but I'm going to cock him.
06:51That's why.
06:52Colonel?
06:53Yeah?
06:53I volunteer to be the decisive point.
06:55You don't have the experience, and it's not take your daughter to war.
06:58War day?
06:58It actually is, literally, take your daughter to war day.
07:01And Allison McDaniel never shut up about going to her dad's stupid dairy farm
07:04and getting all of the chocolate milk that she could drink.
07:07This is my chocolate milk.
07:09Okay.
07:10Give me the gun.
07:10No.
07:11Yeah, I'm not running a make-a-wish foundation here, okay?
07:14But I really am the best laser shot that you've got.
07:15It's not laser tag, guys.
07:17How many times do I have to say it?
07:18Soldiers?
07:20Lock and load.
07:23Yeah, I, uh, I think we're playing laser tag.
07:38Jan, disco is canceled.
07:40Honey, they tried to kill the disco in the 80s, but you can never stop the beat.
07:43All right, guys, everybody gather out.
07:46Final briefing.
07:48Major shot?
07:49Mm-hmm.
07:49Okay, at 1,400, this flag will start pinging its location.
07:53General Davidson and his blue team, right over here, will begin attacking our position.
07:57Now, for them to win, they have to get their hands on this flag.
08:00For us to win, every one of their soldiers has to be eliminated.
08:05Okay, there's no reason to worry.
08:06This is simulated combat, right?
08:07If you get shot, you get a small shock, your gun and equipment turns off, and then you
08:10just walk right over to the dead tent.
08:12Yeah, about that, I had Papadakis hack into the sensor system and goose the shock, I don't
08:17know, a couple, maybe five levels.
08:18Hold on, how bad is this going to hurt?
08:20Somewhere between playing the board game operation and getting tased repeatedly.
08:27Repeatedly?
08:27Listen, it is okay to be scared.
08:30No, no, no.
08:30It's really not.
08:31No, it's not.
08:31They are out there in their tent, scared too.
08:33They are not scared.
08:34They want to shoot us in the face.
08:36We are soldiers, just like them.
08:38No, we're not.
08:39They are Hall of Fame combat-ready soldiers.
08:42You're dressed like soldiers, but you guys are basically little leaguers sitting on the
08:45bench, pulling your putts.
08:46They said those records were sealed.
08:48Listen to me.
08:49Any other day, any other place, we don't stand a chance.
08:51But today, in Stroopstorf, we got them.
08:55Because we have the element of surprise.
08:57Davidson has no idea we are now the red team.
09:01So stay frosty, because we are going to war in ten minutes.
09:05I do have something in ten minutes.
09:08I'll push it.
09:13Nature.
09:13Mm-hmm.
09:14I volunteer to hold down the situation here in the rear.
09:18Negative.
09:18The colonel has ordered you to be in the first wave.
09:20First wave?
09:21Yeah.
09:22First wave.
09:22Uh-huh.
09:22I haven't held a gun since basic.
09:24And the colonel said himself, none of us are really soldiers.
09:27I mean, the new guy is over there pressing flowers in a big-ass book.
09:31He's so strange.
09:32Hmm.
09:33Listen, I don't like to be embarrassed.
09:35You don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself,
09:36because there is nothing to think about.
09:38All right, we've been given an order, and we've got to follow it.
09:41Isn't that freeing?
09:41No.
09:42I've always found it freeing.
09:44Hey, Maggie.
09:45Celeste.
09:46Hi.
09:46Good to see you.
09:47I'm so happy we finally have a morning hang on the books.
09:50Yeah, well.
09:50Tentative.
09:51Tentative.
09:52I wanted to tell you that I'm kind of a witch,
09:55and that I can sense things.
09:57Oh.
09:57You know what I mean?
09:58And I just know that we're going to be such good friends,
10:01because we have so much in common.
10:02Sorry, like what?
10:03Well, we both really like Abe.
10:06Oh, no.
10:07No.
10:08Well, sorry.
10:08No, I just mean that I have never liked,
10:11or I've never, like, said that...
10:12Oh, my God.
10:13No, that's not what I meant.
10:14Good, good, good.
10:14I just meant, like, the way that he talks about you,
10:17you can tell that there's a lot of love and admiration.
10:20Good.
10:20Kind of like a baby sister.
10:22So that's exactly it.
10:25Bless his heart.
10:26Do you mind?
10:26I actually completely forgot I have to go talk to the colonel right now.
10:29Oh, right now?
10:30Yeah.
10:30Excuse me.
10:31Sure.
10:31Hey, FYI, I still shoot, you know, long range,
10:35firing at melons just like I did with you when I was a kid.
10:37You know, the cantaloupe you kill yourself always tastes sweeter.
10:40You taught me that, right?
10:41Yeah, what do you want?
10:42Let me be the decisive point.
10:44No.
10:45It's Sha.
10:46He's got the most combat experience.
10:47Okay, well, Sha is distracted.
10:51Are they staring into each other's eyes?
10:52Yes, they do that.
10:54Yeah, you know, he did ask me to make sure that Celeste was kept close to him during the maneuvers.
10:57Well, that's so he could focus on her instead of the mission.
11:01As opposed to me, who has nothing, will only focus on the mission.
11:05Congratulations.
11:05You're the decisive point.
11:06Congratulations to you.
11:08You just guaranteed yourself a victory.
11:09All right, well, let's go out there and get some melon shots.
11:12I'm going to turn those paratroopers into an edible arrangement.
11:14Split the blue team into Alpha and Bravo squads and prepare for enemy contact.
11:19General, we have a ping from the flag 10 meters from the entrance of the training site.
11:24How are you doing, soldier?
11:27Being in the first wave reminds me of that scene in Saving Private Ryan.
11:31You know, the one where everyone immediately gets mowed down.
11:33Yeah.
11:34I love that scene.
11:36I was looking for some reassurance.
11:37Soldier, my reassurance is standing right next to you.
11:40Because I would never ask you to do anything I wouldn't do myself.
11:43And you always come out fine.
11:44Oh, yeah.
11:45I mean, I get shot a lot.
11:46I have three purple hearts.
11:47That's two and eight.
11:48I'm sorry, sir.
11:49No, no, no.
11:50You can't embarrass me.
11:51It's one of my biggest strengths.
11:52I refuse to be embarrassed.
11:54All right.
11:55Yep.
11:56It allows me to do the impossible.
11:59Bravo team, cut the power.
12:00Alpha team, prepare to breach the training center.
12:03Move.
12:04Move.
12:05Two by two.
12:05Move.
12:06All right, soldiers.
12:08See you on the beach.
12:09Stand by to breach the door.
12:11Move.
12:12Move.
12:12Center's clear, sir.
12:13Go.
12:16Go, go.
12:17Side here.
12:17Put your guard.
12:18Left leg.
12:19Go.
12:20Move.
12:20Move.
12:21Clear.
12:23The flag is in that shipping container.
12:32I'm blinded.
12:34Ah.
12:34All right.
12:35What's going on?
12:36It's a dog.
12:37I can't see anything.
12:37It's on the dog.
12:38Let it go.
12:39Grab the dog.
12:40Grab the dog.
12:40Grab the dog.
12:40Grab the dog.
12:43It was the wrong shipping container.
13:07Alpha team is down.
13:08Alpha team is down.
13:09Bravo team, prepare for answering.
13:10All right.
13:12Follow me.
13:13Second square, sir.
13:15Six.
13:17Right beside you.
13:18Go, go, go.
13:19All right, decisive point.
13:20You're up.
13:22Take him out.
13:23I got him.
13:24I got him.
13:24He's got him.
13:24He's got him.
13:25Oh.
13:32Melinchot.
13:34Melinchot.
13:36Melinchot.
13:38Aljean.
13:39Girls.
13:40Woo!
13:42No wonder my dad never came home.
13:47Whoa.
13:48Judging by how many of you guys wet your pants, I definitely goose a shock too much.
13:52I've had about enough of you, witch.
14:08Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
14:13Ah, well, that made it weird.
14:16That made it weird.
14:18Red, sarana, blue from the middle like some sort of reverse pincer movement.
14:22But that's impossible.
14:25That's the Quinn Maneuver.
14:36All right, guys. Hey, listen up, guys.
14:38That was an amazing day out there.
14:41But before we really get crazy, I wanted to just take this time to single out today's MVP.
14:47Yep, this is somebody who really put on a great performance today without whom couldn't have done what we did.
14:54Ladies and gentlemen, scraps! Where are you, scraps? Come here, baby.
14:59Oh, yeah, there you are. Take a bow. Take a bow.
15:02Scraps, come here.
15:04Aw, are you proud of anyone else as well?
15:07Well, yeah, no, I mean, I'm proud of all you guys in a very general, non-specific way.
15:11Come on, let's go start the scraps. Let's get something to eat.
15:14Okay, hey, you know that I took out half of the blue team single-handedly, so...
15:18Well, we'll find out, because I'll check all the gun data and we'll see just how many melons you hit.
15:22Sorry, what now? The gun data.
15:24Yeah, yeah, that's why we do all the electronic BS. We have, like, we can track everybody.
15:28Every single shot.
15:29Yeah, you have to do that.
15:30Right, because of...
15:31Well, that's how you find out if there was any friendly fire, because you can't have that.
15:35It's the opposite of what we're trying to achieve here, right?
15:37Yeah.
15:38All right, have a good time.
15:39All right.
15:40Okay.
15:46Hey, uh, that was awesome. That was awesome!
15:49Can I, uh, one second. Do you mind?
15:52Yeah.
15:53I just want to make sure that there's no way that the, um, blue team could, like, erase their data if they wanted to.
15:59Well, they could try to reset their device with a paperclip.
16:03Paperclip.
16:04See, that'll bring you back from the dead and wipe the most recent game.
16:08You know what? I think I'll call West Point and tell them my maneuver worked again, and it's time to put it back into the textbook for next year.
16:13General Davidson's on the line, probably.
16:15Ready to wave the white flag.
16:17General!
16:18You may have defeated my blue team, but I know your plan now, and I just took command of the real red team.
16:23What? They're supposed to be waylaid.
16:26Oh, my God. What is the real red team doing back here?
16:29The Dutch bus system is very comprehensive.
16:32This is why public transportation should be illegal.
16:35All right. You know what we're gonna do?
16:37We're gonna flank them.
16:39We go out the back door so we don't get shot and end up in the dead tent.
16:42Don't even worry about that.
16:43What are you doing?
16:44You guys, you know what?
16:45What?
16:46I'm gonna take care of these guys single-handedly.
16:48No, don't do that.
16:49I hope I don't get shot.
16:50No, no, no.
16:51Contact!
16:56Stop!
17:03Hey.
17:04Oh, my God. Maggie, thank God.
17:05I'm so happy you're here.
17:06Wow, they really, uh, recreated the stench of death in here.
17:11Oh, yes. That is urine.
17:13A lot of these guys peed themselves, and they're being really dramatic about it.
17:19Meanwhile, I'm the only one on my team that got shot, so I'm mortified.
17:23Well, let's take a look, because your equipment might have, like, malfunctioned.
17:26No, I don't think so.
17:27Well, I check.
17:28It happens.
17:29I doubt it.
17:30I was yelling pew, pew, pew the whole time while I was firing.
17:32I just wanted to impress you.
17:34You know, I wanted to impress all of Abe's friends, because he's made this place home,
17:38and I was hoping it would be mine, too.
17:42Look, I got shot on purpose, so I could come in here and reset you.
17:51Just me?
17:52Yeah.
17:53You could reset me, and then we'll both have a second chance.
17:56Okay.
18:00Let's go earn it.
18:01Let's do it!
18:03It also smells like poo in some areas.
18:05Yeah, someone did that as well.
18:07Oh, God.
18:10Ooh.
18:14Sir?
18:15Hmm?
18:16I found one.
18:17Ah!
18:18Soldiers!
18:19It's time for the resurrection.
18:27Back, back, back.
18:28Davidson's blue team is back from the dead.
18:30Uh, so we were trying to flank them, and then they flanked us.
18:39So two flanks is an equal opposite reaction.
18:42I'm-I'm really scared.
18:43Listen up, soldiers.
18:44As your leader, I cannot put you in harm's way.
18:48I know this is a fake war, but I will not let you fake die.
18:53I think, unfortunately, since we're surrounded by Davidson's red and blue team,
18:57I'm gonna have to real surrender.
18:59Sir?
19:00I would've never passed the army fitness test
19:03if it weren't for you believing in me enough
19:06to chase me with that knife.
19:08And I wouldn't have found out I'm a stone-cold laser killer
19:11if you hadn't put this gun in my hand.
19:14We got this far because you believed in us.
19:16Let's finish this thing together.
19:18And Quinn's never surrender.
19:21You know what?
19:24Sergeant Scrappes is right.
19:26We're still in this thing.
19:27Yeah!
19:28Yeah!
19:29Heh.
19:30The mirror bomb.
19:36Guess what, Major Shah and I have just hatched the plan.
19:39Hey, Jan!
19:40Yes?
19:41We're gonna need your help with the dramatic costume change.
19:43I have been preparing for this moment my whole life.
19:47Well, well, well, General.
19:52Is this the closest you've ever been to the front lines?
19:55You are the only soldier I have ever known
19:58to take such pride in being shot.
20:01Well, three purple hearts is one of the things I do best.
20:04Well, I'm excited to see it for myself.
20:06I'm sure you are.
20:08Soldier, your weapon?
20:10Any last words?
20:12I think just one.
20:14Fire.
20:15Fire.
20:16Fire!
20:27Your thumb.
20:28Fire.
20:29Your thumb.
20:30Your thumb.
20:34Whoo!
20:36Ow!
20:37I've got the taste for blood.
20:38This proves nothing!
20:40Proves that the quim maneuver works twice, sir.
20:41All right.
20:42It works twice, sir. Sorry.
20:44We won after being surrounded three times.
20:46Yeah. You still gay.
20:48Yeah, must.
20:50Not urinating.
20:52Boo.
20:59This whole thing's made me realize I am, like, in the Army.
21:03Yes, finally.
21:04It's been four years.
21:05Now, that was a great day you had.
21:07Amazing day.
21:09I was very proud of you.
21:10Especially when you shot Celeste in the melon.
21:15OK, how did you?
21:16I'm sorry.
21:16Don't worry.
21:17I would have shot her.
21:18I've seen him kissing and running, too.
21:19Why did you?
21:20I know.
21:21It's so gross.
21:22Disgusting.
21:23Like, so much loose tongue.
21:25Ugh.
21:25A lot.
21:28My lord.
21:30More alike than I thought.
21:32Yeah.
21:32Here's to us.
21:34Hating loose tongue.
21:36It's going so well.
21:40Can do that one more time.
21:42Nobody has met.
21:43I didn't realize the most.
21:46Hell yes.
21:48That's all so points.
21:50I got to know, dude.
21:52I was like, I didn't know.
21:53I was trying to get joined.
21:54I've got really just like to know your family
21:56and get a victim of emotions because no matter the emotions
21:58is something like no one has.
22:02So that's it like sex.
22:03I was trying to hurt you when you were惹emy.
22:05I think youingo she was looking like mystery.
22:06What I was gonna do?
22:06I was trying to do the family of my family.
22:08I am doing whatever.
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