- 1 day ago
The never aired NBC pilot for Laurel and Hardy where they would get a new job at the start of each episode.
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00:00The National Broadcasting Company presents the Laurel and Hardy Show.
00:30Laurel and Hardy have decided to embark upon new careers, and now they are working for Mr. Slater's poultry market.
00:40In this way, the boys are doing their bit to relieve the manpower shortage.
00:44That is, if you can consider Laurel and Hardy manpower.
00:48Miss Smith.
00:49Yes, Mr. Slater.
00:51Where's Laurel and Hardy?
00:53You set them out to deliver a chicken.
00:56But that was hours ago, and this is one of my busiest days.
00:59I can't understand why they're not back yet, Mr. Slater.
01:03What can anybody understand about Laurel and Hardy?
01:06This is a fine how-do-you-do.
01:07With everything else to contend with, now I've got to send two men to deliver one chicken.
01:12I know what you mean, Mr. Slater.
01:14Well, as soon as they get back, send them in to me.
01:29Thank you, Mr. Slater.
01:30Thank you, Mr. Slater.
01:31Thank you, Mr. Slater.
01:32Thank you, Mr. Slater.
01:33Thank you, Mr. Slater.
01:34Yes, Stanley?
01:35I bet Mr. Slater will be pleased with the way we handed this job.
01:39He certainly will.
01:40That Mr. Cunningham couldn't put anything over on us.
01:43I should say not.
01:45Here's Mr. Slater's poultry market now.
01:47Let's go in and tell him all about it.
01:50Miss Smith, where are those two boobs?
01:54Ollie, I think Mr. Slater's looking for us.
01:57Oh.
01:58Oh, there you are.
02:00Well, did you deliver the chicken?
02:02Of course, sir.
02:02Did you have any doubts?
02:04Plenty.
02:05And did you collect the money for the chicken, like I said?
02:07Oh, we did much better than that.
02:10Oh, so you did better than that.
02:13Yeah, go ahead and tell him, Ollie.
02:15Yes, go ahead.
02:16Tell me.
02:18Mr. Cunningham thought that he could outsmart us.
02:20Uh, but we were very much too clever for him.
02:24So you were too clever for him, huh?
02:26Well, just what did you do?
02:29Well, Mr. Cunningham insisted on charging the chicken.
02:32Charge it?
02:33I distinctly told you his credit is no good.
02:36And you let him sign for it again.
02:38Oh, no, we didn't.
02:40He wanted to sign for it, but he couldn't fool us.
02:43I signed for it myself.
02:45You...
02:45You signed for it.
02:49And remember the $16 he owed you for the other chickens?
02:53This is going to be good.
02:55Sure.
02:56We added it all up together.
02:58And you signed for that, too.
03:00Exactly.
03:01Now, what do you think of us, Mr. Slater?
03:04I bet you thought we couldn't do it.
03:06You...
03:06You nincompoops.
03:09You stupid blunderheads.
03:11You idiotic.
03:11You...
03:12You...
03:13Morons.
03:14Morons.
03:14I had a feeling when I hired you that I'd regret it the rest of my days.
03:20Oh, we worked nights, too.
03:23Now, now listen to me, you mental midgets.
03:26I am going to give you one more chance.
03:28The customer is waiting for this chicken.
03:30But if you come back without the money, I'll break every bone in your head.
03:35In a cheap, smoke-filled hotel room on the east side are three sinister men.
03:50These men are dangerous criminals, wanted by every police department in the land.
03:54The air is tense.
03:56The men pace nervously.
03:57Their face is grim as they await the arrival of two hired killers from out of town.
04:02Andy, how'd he be here by now?
04:03I wonder what's keeping him.
04:04All right, all right.
04:05Take it easy with you, Mike.
04:06They'll be here.
04:07I don't get it.
04:08What's the chief important these two killers for?
04:11Hey, we've been doing all right.
04:12Now, look, you guys.
04:13This is a special job.
04:14That's why the chief is bringing in these torpedoes.
04:17Yeah, didn't we, Mike, about the Morphe mob?
04:19What was the matter with that?
04:20Yeah, but this is different.
04:22The chief don't want no slip-ups on this one.
04:24These guys rubbed out Lily Kerrigan.
04:27You mean these are the guys that bumped off Kerrigan?
04:30Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:30And the cops couldn't find a clue either.
04:32What do they look like, Cobra?
04:33Are you kidding?
04:35These killers are smart.
04:37Nobody knows what they look like.
04:38Hey, wait a minute.
04:40There's two guys coming across the street now.
04:42Look out the window.
04:43Yeah, yeah, that's them.
04:44Black derbies, the chief said.
04:46Wow.
04:47Tough-looking gorillas, ain't they?
04:51You ain't kidding, so you better get down and meet them, Steve.
04:53Okay, okay.
05:04Ollie.
05:05Yes, Stanley?
05:06Are you sure this is the right address?
05:09Of course I'm sure, Stanley.
05:11I distinctly remember Mr. Slater saying to deliver the chicken to 703 Maple Street.
05:17Oh, I thought he said 307 April Street.
05:22Will you let me handle this?
05:24I'll do the thinking on this job.
05:26Yeah, but Ollie, you did the thinking on the last job.
05:29Will you be quiet?
05:30Now, remember what Mr. Slater said.
05:32We're not to leave the chicken unless we get the money for it.
05:35That's right.
05:36No credit.
05:37Hey, Stanley.
05:38What?
05:38I think that man wants to speak to us.
05:40Okay, fellas, follow me.
05:42We'll go up the back way.
05:43Of course.
05:44We intended to go to the rear entrance.
05:52Right in here.
05:55Yeah, I thought you guys was never going to get here.
05:58We never disappoint a customer.
06:00Well, our motto is...
06:01Be still, Stanley.
06:03I guess we don't use our motto anymore, Steve.
06:06Hey, Mike, hold down that shade.
06:09You want to get these guys away?
06:12I remember you guys.
06:14First you make the delivery, and then later you get the payoff.
06:16Now, just one moment.
06:18There'll be no delivery until you pay the money.
06:21Now, wait a minute.
06:22We always get delivery and pay later.
06:24Oh, no.
06:25None of that.
06:26No, no.
06:26No credit.
06:28No, no.
06:28Oh, no, you don't.
06:29No, no, no.
06:30Stand, Stanley.
06:32Oh, no.
06:33Oh, no.
06:33You mean no.
06:47N-O, no.
06:50Will you keep quiet, Stanley?
06:52But those were the chief's instructions.
06:54The chief?
06:55Yeah.
06:55I guess that's what they call the man who's going to pay us the money.
06:58Yeah, that's right.
06:59We don't use names in deals like this.
07:01Where is the chief?
07:03Oh, he'll be here just as agreed.
07:05First, you got to deliver the goods.
07:07Well, that's why we're here.
07:08You mean you killed that bird already?
07:10Sure, about an hour ago.
07:12How do you like that?
07:19You guys sure move fast.
07:20The chief didn't expect you to work that quick.
07:22If I ain't too inquisitive, how do you pros work?
07:26Do you kill them with a regular .45 rod?
07:28Oh, no, sir.
07:30On this one, we use the standard 14-inch butcher knife.
07:34Butcher knife?
07:37Don't they put up a fight?
07:38Oh, yeah.
07:39Sometimes they put up a terrible struggle.
07:41What do you do then?
07:42All the wholesome by the feet.
07:46By the feet?
07:47Yeah.
07:47Then Stanley takes the axe and chops off the head.
07:52Chops off the head?
07:53Relax.
07:54Sure, we try to be as gentle as possible.
08:00But ain't that kind of gruesome?
08:01Oh, after a while, you get used to it.
08:03It doesn't mean a thing to us now, does it, Stanley?
08:06I should say not.
08:07You know, we kill as many as two dozen a day.
08:10What?
08:11Well, now, that would be on Saturday, of course.
08:15Oh, yes, of course, of course.
08:16Sure, Saturdays and holidays are our busiest times.
08:19Must be an awful strain on you.
08:22Oh, no, the strain is on them.
08:26Hey, these guys, they're human.
08:29Tell me, tell me, what do you do with the body?
08:32Well, now, that depends.
08:33Sometimes we deliver them to the customers just as they are.
08:41Yeah, but when we get a tough one...
08:43Yeah?
08:44...we dip it in boiling water.
08:49Uh, that softens them up considerably.
08:52Oh.
08:53Look, what's the matter, Mike?
08:54What's the matter?
08:54He's white as a sheep.
08:55Oh.
08:56This has been too much for him.
08:57Uh, perhaps he's a little faint.
08:59Here, my good man, let me help you.
09:00Ah, get him away from me.
09:02Don't let him touch me.
09:03Here, have a chair, Mike.
09:04Get down.
09:05Get him a cold towel, Conrad.
09:06All right, uh, here.
09:08Relax now, Mike.
09:08Take it easy.
09:09Hey, what's that?
09:10The cops are pulling up in front.
09:12Well, come on.
09:12Let's get out of here, quick.
09:16Well, they ran away without taking their chicken.
09:19Do you think we said something wrong, Arlene?
09:22I don't think so, Stanley.
09:23I don't think so, Stanley.
09:26Here they are, man.
09:28Wait a minute.
09:28What is this?
09:29We've seen everything we've had given you.
09:32We've never done anything about him.
09:33We've seen everything.
09:34We've seen everything.
09:44Now back to Laurel and Hardy, who seem to have gotten themselves into a bit of trouble.
09:49Mistaken for two dangerous killers and closely guarded by the police, Laurel and Hardy have been ushered into the city jail.
09:55But obviously, the boys don't seem to be quite sure of what it's all about yet.
10:01Just picked up those two trigger men, Sergeant.
10:03Okay, okay.
10:05Come on.
10:05Bring them in.
10:06Bring them in, Johnson.
10:07Get in there, you two.
10:08Uh, they mean us, Stanley.
10:10Get over there to the desk.
10:11I guess you guys were thinking you could get away with this, huh?
10:14Oh, no.
10:15Ollie's doing the thinking on this job.
10:19Oh, I see.
10:20The fat guy.
10:21I figured you were the brains the minute I spotted you.
10:23Well, now that you mention it, officer, people often remark that I have a very intelligent-looking face.
10:33Is he kidding?
10:34All right, all right.
10:35Come on.
10:35Search him, Murphy.
10:36Come here, you.
10:37Well, one boy's scout knife.
10:41One what?
10:45No work done.
10:49Twelve scents.
10:50Three bottle tops.
10:53That's all, Sergeant.
10:54Okay, now search the little guy.
10:56All right.
10:58And there's nothing but holes in this guy's pocket.
11:03Wait a minute.
11:04Wait a minute.
11:05What are you holding in your hand?
11:07Which hand?
11:08Come on.
11:08Come on.
11:09Let's have it.
11:09Come on.
11:10Come on.
11:10What do you got there?
11:10Let's see it.
11:11Oh, that's my yo-yo, officer.
11:16Yo-yo.
11:18Murphy, take them downstairs and throw them in a cell.
11:20These guys must be psychopathic killers.
11:30Okay, you guys.
11:31Get in that cell.
11:32Thank you very much, officer.
11:34Come along, Stanley.
11:36The service is nice here, isn't it, all right?
11:38We're so very glad you like it.
11:42We aim to please our guests.
11:45This is a cozy little place, isn't it?
11:47Hmm.
11:47Maybe it's because you're in here.
11:48Maybe it's because you're in here, too, Ollie.
11:53Do you mind if I lock the door?
11:56House regulation, you know.
11:57Oh, no, not at all.
11:59Go right ahead.
12:01Could we have an extra key?
12:02You see, Stanley likes to take a short walk before bedtime.
12:11Now, isn't that a shame?
12:13I don't have an extra key with me, but I'll tell a sergeant to be sure and have one made for you.
12:20Ollie.
12:21Yes, Stanley?
12:22Do you feel hungry?
12:24Yeah, I believe that I could do with a little snack.
12:27Gee, I'd like a meal like this served to the man in the next cell.
12:31You mean the man who's leaving?
12:34What, is he going away?
12:35Is he going away?
12:37Didn't you hear them say that they were giving him his last supper?
12:43He must like it here.
12:45He seemed very unhappy about leaving.
12:47Uh, shall we order dinner now, Stanley?
12:54I don't see why not, Ollie.
12:57Officer.
12:59Oh, officer!
13:02Room service.
13:04Yeah, now, what's going on?
13:07Come on, come on, what's all the noise about?
13:10Uh, we'd like to place our order for dinner, please.
13:12Oh, you'd like to place your order for dinner?
13:16Sure, we eat very regularly, and we don't like our routine broken.
13:20Oh, no.
13:21No, of course not.
13:22We mustn't do that.
13:24Uh, I believe that steaks would be nice.
13:26Don't you think so, Stanley?
13:28I think so.
13:29Yeah.
13:29I believe a steak would be nice.
13:31Make mine a thick one.
13:33Uh, make that two, officer.
13:36Two...
13:37Not two thick.
13:39Too thick steaks.
13:41Yeah, but he doesn't want it too thick.
13:43Oh.
13:46I think I'd like it medium.
13:52I think I'd like it medium.
13:54No, I think...
13:58No, I think I'd rather have it rare.
14:09Uh, yeah.
14:09Yeah, I see.
14:10Why don't you try it medium rare?
14:13Now, that's a very good idea.
14:15Make mine the same.
14:17Wouldn't you like some dessert, too?
14:19Mm, we'll decide about that later.
14:22Just bring in the steaks now, my good man.
14:24Oh, gentlemen, I just happen to remember we're fresh out of steaks.
14:28But in the meantime, here's our blue plate special for today.
14:32Bread and water!
14:33In a cold, gray room of the city jail, three grim detectives are relentlessly grilling their two suspects, Laurel and Hardy.
14:47The two boys are seated under the merciless glare of an arc lamp, while the detectives fire away at them.
14:53The third degree has been going on for five hours now, but strangely enough, the detectives seem to be more exhausted than their captives.
14:59For the last time, are you guys going to confess they're not?
15:05Come on, spill it.
15:08You'll sit under that hot light all week.
15:10We've been easy on you guys, but we can get rough.
15:13Now, really, gentlemen, this whole thing is a mistake.
15:16We don't have the least idea of what you're talking about.
15:19Maybe, perhaps, if we came back some other time.
15:22You're going to stay right here.
15:26We know who you are.
15:27You've got your dead to rights.
15:29Now, talk!
15:31Yes, sir.
15:32The man wants us to talk, Stanley.
15:34All right.
15:35What would you like to talk about, Oscar?
15:41I don't know.
15:42What would you like to talk about, Stanley?
15:44Oh, I don't care.
15:45Anything you want to...
15:46Let's talk about...
15:47Remember, if...
15:48Now, listen, you mugs!
15:52I'm going to give you one more chance.
15:54Start singing!
15:55Singing?
15:56Come on.
15:58Why, we'd be delighted.
16:00Magic, do, still, do, still, do.
16:03And little nomsie-tigy.
16:05Shut up!
16:08Tiddly-winks and wink.
16:09Get tiddles and tittle and tivvy and too.
16:11And wooden shoes or something.
16:13That's enough!
16:16Now, look, you two...
16:18Hey, wait a minute.
16:19Wait a minute, Donovan.
16:20Wait a minute.
16:20I've got an idea.
16:22Back.
16:22Come over here.
16:23I wonder why they're mad at us, Ollie
16:26Why should they arrest us?
16:29It's probably that Mr. Kingsley
16:30He was very angry because you didn't deliver his chicken
16:33Well, it served him right for calling me a nerd
16:36He didn't call you an egg, Stanley
16:38He called you a jerk
16:39Oh, well, that's different
16:43Maybe I shouldn't be mad at him
16:46I shouldn't be mad at him
16:47Good
16:47See, does this strong light bother you, Stanley?
16:51No, Ollie, but I got an awful kink in my neck
16:53From sitting in this chair so long
16:55Here, Stanley, sit closer to the lamp
16:58The heat will do your neck good
16:59Thank you, Ollie
17:02Pointed towards my apple
17:04Say, I wonder what they're whispering about over there
17:16Now, look, man
17:16We've been grilling these dudes for five hours
17:18And we haven't broken them yet
17:19Can't stand them much longer
17:21I'm cracking up
17:22Yeah, me too
17:23My nerves are all shot to pieces
17:25I'd like to murder the both of them
17:28No, that's where you boys are wrong
17:29These guys aren't just ordinary mugs
17:31They're clever
17:31They're putting on the dumb act
17:33We've got to outsmart them
17:34So what do we do?
17:37Act dumb, too?
17:39Of course we don't act dumb
17:40We've got to use psychology on them
17:42Yeah, get it?
17:43Use brains against brains
17:45Right
17:46Now, first, I'll use the friendly approach
17:48If that doesn't work, we'll break down their nerves
17:50You got the file ready, Donovan?
17:52Yeah, right here
17:53Okay
17:53Now, when I give you the word, start filing on that iron bar
17:56Steady and monotonous like
17:58That ought to drive them crazy
18:00Brickhouse
18:01You'll be ready with the water
18:03Let's go
18:03Well, look, boys, you've got us all wrong
18:09We're just trying to help you
18:11All we want is a little information
18:13We know that you boys didn't want to do all those killings
18:17Did you?
18:18No, sir, but we've got so many orders
18:20So we had to do them
18:21And after all, business is business
18:29Of course it is
18:32Now, you see, Brickhouse, I told you there were a couple of nice boys
18:35Now, now tell me, boys
18:36Who were the parties that ordered them killed?
18:40Oh, oh, we're very sorry, but we can't divulge that
18:42So you still won't confess?
18:44Well, our customer list is very confidential
18:47Somebody might cut in on our business
18:49We'd really like to tell you, sir
18:53But it's a professional secret
18:54Okay, Donovan
18:56Ollie, that sound
19:03Can't stand it, can you?
19:06Oh, I don't mind it
19:07It just reminds me I'd like to borrow
19:09Ollie's fingernail file
19:11Here you are, Stanley
19:16And be careful of your cuticle
19:17Go ahead, Brickhouse
19:20Wouldn't you like a nice, cool drink of water?
19:26Oh, no, thank you, sir
19:27I'm not a bit thirsty either
19:29Here, Brickhouse, give it to me
19:31I need it bad
19:32Oh, that's better
19:36Donovan, will you stop that noise?
19:39You're driving me nuts
19:40I was letting myself down
19:41Now you listen to me, you two gorillas
19:43I want to know where you were at 12.30 yesterday
19:48Now, come on
19:49Come on and quit stalling
19:5112.30
19:53Now, let me see
19:55Ollie, wasn't that when we stopped?
19:58No, Stanley
19:59That was 2 o'clock
20:00At 12.30, we were going to kill, uh
20:03Yes, yes
20:04You were saying you were going to kill
20:06No, but we didn't do it
20:07That's right
20:10Mr. Jones wouldn't pay the ceiling price
20:13Ah, they didn't get ceiling prices
20:15Of course, we wouldn't want to break the law
20:22No, no, we're getting someplace
20:25I suppose this was one of the Kerrigan bunch
20:27you were going to kill yesterday
20:28Kerrigan?
20:29Yes
20:29I never heard of them, have you, Ollie?
20:31Mm-mm
20:32No, we were going to kill an ordinary leghorn
20:34Must be an out-of-town mob
20:39Well, we don't care where they come from
20:43I've never heard anything like this
20:45as long as I've been on the fort
20:46How many, uh, how many do you figure you've killed altogether?
20:49Oh, hundreds
20:51We don't count them
20:52Hundreds!
20:54Yeah, you see, business is picked up
20:56because we don't require ration points
20:58Ration points?
21:03Now listen to me, wise guys
21:04Don't try to get two
21:05Take it easy, Lace
21:06Take it easy
21:07I've been 18 years on the fort
21:08But I've never come up against anything like this
21:10Calm down, Mr. Lee
21:11Calm down, Dr. Lee
21:12Don't worry about me
21:13I'm okay, boys
21:14I'm okay
21:15Hey, don't worry about me
21:16There's only one thing to do
21:18We'll question them one at a time
21:20Yeah, yeah
21:21Get up here, you
21:23Who, me?
21:24Yeah, you
21:24Stand here next to me
21:26I'll take care of you next
21:28Now listen, Hart
21:29Yes, sir
21:30You may as well spill the whole thing
21:32We've got your coal
21:32On the day before yesterday
21:34What were your movements?
21:36Just what were you doing?
21:39Yes, Ollie
21:39Just what were you doing?
21:43Why, Stanley
21:44I was with the
21:46Yes, yes
21:47Who were you with?
21:48Stanley, you know perfectly well
21:50that I was with you
21:51Oh, that's right
21:52He was with me
21:53I don't care
21:54I'm gonna quit
21:55I'll give up the pension
21:57I can't stand anymore
21:58Get him, Brickhouse
21:59He's a problem
22:00Get him, Brickhouse
22:01Get him, Brickhouse
22:02Hold down, Brickhouse
22:03Get him, Brickhouse
22:04Hold down, calm down
22:05This is California
22:07Look at this
22:08Hello
22:11Yes, Chief
22:13Uh-huh
22:15Okay, Chief
22:17Well, we can let him go, boys
22:20The Chief says the whole thing was a mistake
22:22They picked up the real killers at the railroad station
22:25You mean if he can get rid of these two?
22:29That's right
22:29The Chief says they're as harmless as a couple of babes
22:32Harmless as a couple of babes
22:34Now get out of here, you two
22:37Get out before I tear you apart with my bare hands
22:42Come on, Stanley
22:44I don't think the man wants us here
22:46Pardon me, sir
22:50But would you mind if I stayed a few minutes longer
22:52So the lamp can break the other side of my neck?
22:55He's got a bad kink in it
23:00Kink in it?
23:01I'll put a break in it
23:03I'll
23:03I'll
23:04You can't find that
23:07Blow them out, quick
23:09Get out, you two
23:11Get out
23:12He certainly was a tempestuous man, wasn't he, Stanley?
23:19He sure was
23:21And he had a bad temper, too
23:22Say, Ollie
23:25What?
23:26I wonder if we said anything to upset him
23:29How could we possibly upset anyone?
23:34Come along, Stanley
23:54Let's hurry back to Mr. Slater's market
23:56But, Ollie
23:57What is it?
23:59We don't have the chicken
24:00Don't you suppose that I know that, Stanley?
24:04Yeah, but, Ollie
24:05Well, what do you want now?
24:06We don't have the money, either
24:08Oh, yes, we have
24:09Oh, no, we haven't
24:11Oh, yes, we have
24:12Oh, no, we haven't
24:14Oh, yes, we have
24:17I beg your puddin'
24:19Pardon?
24:20Oh
24:20Oh
24:33Naturally, Laurel and Hardy
24:38Can never face Mr. Slater again
24:40So right in front of them
24:42Is Morton's plumbing shop
24:43I wonder if they can land the job
24:46The Laurel and Hardy show is presented in Hollywood
25:04This is the National Broadcasting Company
25:07Thank you
25:08Thank you
25:08Thank you
25:09Thank you
25:10Thank you
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