- 4 days ago
First broadcast 24th December 1999.
The vicar is caught in a dilemma when David's handsome brother comes to stay, and risks the wrath of the villagers when she gives in to temptation.
Geraldine Granger Dawn French
David Horton Gary Waldhorn
Hugo Horton James Fleet
Alice Horton Emma Chambers
Frank Pickle John Bluthal
Jim Trott Trevor Peacock
Owen Newitt Roger Lloyd Pack
Simon Horton Clive Mantle
The vicar is caught in a dilemma when David's handsome brother comes to stay, and risks the wrath of the villagers when she gives in to temptation.
Geraldine Granger Dawn French
David Horton Gary Waldhorn
Hugo Horton James Fleet
Alice Horton Emma Chambers
Frank Pickle John Bluthal
Jim Trott Trevor Peacock
Owen Newitt Roger Lloyd Pack
Simon Horton Clive Mantle
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00The Lord is my ship, I shall not want
00:06I make it me to lay down in green pastes
00:12I need it me, is I rest in the water
00:22Still water
00:28So, this is the first day of the honeymoon
00:40And who's that? Who is it?
00:46That's me at the airport
00:47Yes
00:48Oh, and this is a nice woman we met on the flight
00:52She was a bit tired when we got to Turkey
00:54So Hugo was ever so sweet and carried her case through customs
00:57Right, well I think I can anticipate the next photo
01:07That's the customs in the case
01:11Wow, how much cocaine is that, Hugo?
01:17I'm told a street value of £84 million
01:19Impressive
01:22Still, they let him go the minute they realised he was innocent
01:25Which was?
01:26Er, 14 months later
01:28Actually, I'd better go
01:30I've got an appointment with my post-traumatic stress counsellor
01:33He's a awfully nice chap
01:35I have to pretend to be a bit doolally
01:37I don't know what I'm thinking he's wasting his time
01:40So, how's married life, little Miss Coke donkey?
01:54Everything all right in the bedroom?
01:55Nice
01:57We had a bit of trouble early on, you know
02:01Couldn't quite work out what went in where
02:04Well, that's always tricky
02:09But, you know, once we got a wardrobe, we were fine
02:13I just hope Hugo doesn't go off me now
02:20How's he going to go off you, you strange little idiot?
02:23Well, I might lose my potent sexual allure
02:26I'm already putting on weight
02:29I've put on four pounds in the last month
02:32That's a pound a week
02:33Is that right?
02:34Yeah
02:35I mean, if I go on at this rate
02:37By the time I'm 50, I'll weigh 82 stone
02:40Which is more than a walrus
02:41And I don't want to look like a walrus
02:43You haven't been sick at all, have you, Alice?
02:47Yeah, every single morning
02:48Well, in that case, young lady
02:55I think I've got some very important news for you
02:57I've qualified for the Vomit Olympics
02:59No, no, no
03:01The truth is, my dearest, darlingest little Virger
03:04I think you might be pregnant
03:05But no, no, no
03:07That can't be right
03:08You mean, you haven't actually
03:10No
03:11No
03:12We've certainly played the odd round of hide the purple parsnip
03:17No, no, no, no
03:21I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant
03:24The hamster didn't turn blue or anything
03:26I'm not entirely sure I'm familiar with this particular pregnancy test
03:31Oh, yeah, it's the way we've always done it in Dibley
03:33You get hamster and you wee on it
03:36And if it turns blue, you're pregnant
03:38Right
03:40It's true
03:41Right
03:42Yeah
03:42Hiya, Vicarage
03:45Alice Horton, Ney Tinker speaking
03:48That's ney as in born, obviously
03:50Not the ney a horse makes
03:52Because that would be ney
03:54Who's calling?
03:58Oh, hello, Uncle Simon
04:00Oh, sorry we haven't
04:01You need me wedding
04:02So much news
04:04The honeymoon was
04:04Simon
04:05Hi
04:07Haven't heard from you for ages
04:09Ever think of dropping by?
04:12What Saturday?
04:13This Saturday?
04:14Well, obviously I'll have to check my diary
04:18Just to see if I've got any time at all
04:21Yes
04:23It does seem that I have got a hole available
04:26Window, window available
04:27So
04:30Any idea what we, er, might get up to?
04:35You want to do what to me, sorry?
04:38Oh, it can't
04:39Oh, well
04:39Wouldn't that melt?
04:43What, you think it'd be nicer if it did melt?
04:47Yeah
04:48Okay, well
04:49Can't wait then
04:50See you Saturday
04:51Bye
04:52You know something
05:08I think Uncle Simon might be quite keen on you
05:12Oh, no, no, no, no
05:14If you want
05:18Any tips on how to attract a man
05:21From someone who's got one
05:22Yeah
05:22I have got one or two surefire seduction techniques
05:26Oh
05:27Such as?
05:28Er, you can't beat a nice pink anorak
05:32Hugo's always loved me in mine
05:34When I'm naked, he makes me wear it
05:37No, stop, stop
05:37No, no, no, no, no, no
05:39Too much detail, sorry
05:40Horrible mental picture there
05:42Just think, once you're married
05:44You can go to bed together too
05:46Which is absolutely scrummy
05:48So I'm told
05:50Though it isn't scrummy if you're not married, of course
05:52Because then you go to hell and all your bits drop off
05:54Well, not necessarily
05:57You know all that
05:58You know all about eternal damnation
06:00And pneumatic drills in your brain tissue
06:03If you so much as a look upon a man with lust
06:05Especially as a vicar
06:07God will probably have to strangle you with his bare hands
06:12Well
06:14Yeah, well spotted
06:16Good point
06:17Right, we've got quite a lot to get through
06:20So let's not waste any time, eh
06:22Item one
06:23Apologies for absence
06:25Do, do, do
06:27Yes, I've got one
06:30Who from?
06:32Me
06:32But you're here
06:36Yes
06:38I am here now
06:41But I'm not here at the next meeting
06:44Then you don't need to apologise until the next meeting
06:48Oh
06:49But I'm not here at the next meeting
06:53No, I know
06:55You send your apologies before the next meeting
06:59That's what I am doing
07:00Actually, if that's the way we're doing it now
07:03I'd better send my apologies for the meeting after that
07:05Because I won't be at that one
07:06Well, me too
07:06I'll be missing the one next April
07:08There's a Captain Scarlet convention in Bristol
07:11Stop right there
07:13This could go on forever
07:14I could apologise for missing a meeting in 2010, for God's sake
07:18Moving on
07:20Which meeting?
07:24What?
07:25Which meeting in 2010 are you apologising for?
07:29I'm not apologising
07:30Well, you should
07:31There's no point in holding a bloody meeting if the chairman's missing
07:35I'm not missing it, you raving lunatic
07:39I am not a lunatic
07:42I have the psychiatric reports to prove it
07:45A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour
07:49All right, you're not a lunatic, but you are a famous idiot
07:54Now, wait a minute, baldy locks
07:57Wait, wait, wait, guys
07:58Calm down, you're actually like a couple of school kids
08:01Well, he started it
08:02I did not, he started it, beardy weirdy
08:04Seriously, come on
08:07You seem to be forgetting that we're partners here
08:10If you ever needed me, I'm there for you, aren't I?
08:13My house is your house
08:14And I like to believe that if I ever needed you
08:16You'd be there for me, wouldn't you?
08:18Ready and erect at your service
08:20So no more bickering, OK?
08:25From now on, Dibley Council stands for friends
08:28Friends who are working together for the village with support and love
08:31Hear, hear
08:32You know, Owen
08:34For five years, I actually was in love with you
08:38And even today
08:43When I see you
08:45On the farm
08:46In your wet weather gear
08:50Moving on, Mr Chairman
08:52Double quick, ma'am
08:53By the way, my brother's popping down this weekend
08:56Simon
08:57Is he?
08:59Coming round for Sunday lunch, if you care to join us
09:01Good old-fashioned pork on the menu
09:04Well, I think I may be having that on Saturday
09:11So what are you up to on Saturday night?
09:17Now Hugo's left me, I'm all on my own
09:20Thought you might like to come round
09:21Watch Lulu
09:23Play a bit of Scrabble
09:24No
09:26I'll be busy working on my Simon
09:28Sermon
09:29Kitty
09:31What's your text?
09:33Erm, Sermon on the Mount, I hope
09:36Hello, Vicky
09:39Hello, Daddy-o
09:40Sorry for barging in
09:42But we've got the most fantastic news
09:44You're getting divorced
09:45No, silly
09:47Naughty Papa Spank Bot
09:49Now, the long and the short of it is
09:53In short
09:54We're expecting a baby
09:56Ah, that's brilliant
09:58Oh, fantastic
10:00Brilliant
10:01Absolutely brilliant, isn't it, David?
10:07Oh, look, he's so happy he can't speak
10:10But I know that look for sure
10:12That's his old familiar
10:14This is the best news I've ever had
10:16Look
10:16Is it?
10:17Oh, yes
10:18He's, erm, he's smiling inside
10:20Look, see?
10:22Fantastic news, Alice
10:27I know, isn't it?
10:28Yeah
10:29I'm gonna be a mummy
10:30I know
10:31Naughty Lala, stop that
10:33Or I'll put you down the toilet and flush
10:35Hey there
10:39It's worrying
10:40Erm, Alice, just something been on my mind
10:44You know, I've been thinking
10:45I don't think it is such a mortal sin these days
10:48For an unmarried vicar to have sex
10:50You know, so long as she doesn't rub her parishioners' noses in it
10:53Rub her parishioners' noses in what?
10:57In the sex
10:58I'm starting to feel a bit sick
11:01Yeah, forget that
11:02Yeah, forget that
11:02Coming!
11:07That's romantic
11:08So's that
11:10I just don't think it's gonna be your sort of evening
11:14Ta-da!
11:23Owen
11:24Bloody hell
11:25It's what you said
11:30At the last meeting
11:31About us all being polite and civilised
11:34Yeah, yeah, yeah
11:34Well, it's just that
11:35I'm a rough country type
11:36So I thought I'd write down
11:38All my favourite words
11:40And you can tell me the ones I can still use
11:42In polite society
11:43Right
11:44Okay, here we go
11:46No
11:47No
11:48Nope
11:49Cucumber?
11:51Yes
11:51Nothing wrong with cucumber, Owen
11:53Well, there may be
11:54If you're telling someone
11:55You're going to stick it up his backside
11:57That also goes for
12:00Grappling iron
12:01And full-size ceramic doll
12:03Of Sir Cliff Richard
12:04Right
12:04Moving on
12:06No
12:07No
12:09No
12:10And the last one
12:12So, if that's all
12:14I'm very busy, Owen
12:15So
12:16Perhaps I'll see you in church on Sunday
12:19Hello
12:21Hello
12:22Simon
12:24What a surprise
12:28I didn't expect to see you today
12:31Yes, I was just passing
12:33Purely by chance
12:34After my unpremeditated return from Prague
12:37Yes, well, you'll have to come back later
12:39She's busy
12:39Don't you worry
12:40I'll see you doesn't bother you
12:41Well, I just
12:42Come on, big guy
12:43Nice to know when you're not wanted
12:45Good night, Mika
12:46Right, then
12:50Thank you
12:57Thank you
12:58Thank you
12:58Thank you
12:58Thank you
12:58Thank you
12:59Thank you
13:00Uh-oh
13:01Uh-oh
13:02It's all right
13:03No
13:03Thank goodness
13:05What?
13:06What a lovely present
13:08Oh, you shouldn't have, Alice
13:09No, I mean it
13:13You really shouldn't have
13:15Go on
13:16Put it on
13:17Hugo can't resist me in mine
13:20Can you, Hugo?
13:21No
13:21Come on
13:23Let's have a look
13:25Oh, sweet
13:26Oh, yes
13:29Most moist making
13:32Uh-huh
13:36I wonder who that can be
13:40Oh, don't get excited
13:41No, my luck today
13:42It'll be Anne Widdicombe
13:43Oh, Simon
13:44Come on in
13:45The gorgeous Mrs. Hawkins
13:47Hello, Simon
13:49Hello, nitwit
13:50There she is
13:52Hi
13:54Ruff, ruff
13:56Well, Hugo
13:59Um, time we left these two lovebirds alone, I think
14:03Thank you, Alice
14:04We'll have a nice cup of tea in the kitchen
14:06Till Simon's ready to leave
14:08Then we can give you a lift home
14:09Lift what?
14:10Oh, to father's
14:11That's where you're staying, isn't it?
14:13Um
14:13Um
14:14No
14:15Um
14:15Your Uncle Simon's
14:17Booked into a hotel
14:19Tonight
14:19We'll give you a lift there, then
14:21Which one?
14:22Actually, I think it's a little bit out of your way
14:24We don't mind that
14:25It's in Wales
14:27Wales?
14:29Yeah, Wales, yeah
14:30I thought you were going to father's for Sunday lunch
14:34Yes, yes
14:36That's right
14:37So tonight I go to my hotel
14:39In Wales
14:41Wales?
14:41And tomorrow I come back again
14:43Come back
14:44It's a very good hotel
14:46Ah
14:47Right
14:48So, there's absolutely no need for you two to stick about
14:52So you better get off
14:54Okay, okay
14:56Nighty-ho
14:57Lens of chapstick
14:59No tongues
14:59So
15:00So
15:06So
15:09So
15:10So
15:11So
15:19So
15:20Thanks for
15:23Dropping by
15:24Do you know any jokes?
15:28Because I do
15:28Here's one
15:29Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CDs?
15:31In Iraq
15:32No, sorry
15:44That just didn't work at all, I'm afraid
15:46I think we're going to have to try it again
15:48I've got some champagne in the fridge
15:57I'm told champagne's even better at altitude
16:01Has it?
16:02Even one flight of stairs can make all the difference
16:06I'll just get it then
16:12No, no, ignore it
16:25Ignore it
16:25I hate being a vicar
16:30I hate it
16:31I hate it
16:33I hate it
16:33I hate it
16:33I hate it
16:34Hello
16:36Sorry to trouble you, vicar
16:40Yes, I was actually
16:42Just going to bed
16:43No, no, no
16:44It's just that you said that
16:46Dibley was all about
16:48Neighbourliness
16:49Yes, and if we ever had a serious problem
16:52We should come and see you
16:53Yes
16:55We need to see you now
16:57Desperately
16:59Of course, guys
17:02Of course
17:02Come on in
17:03Thank you, vicar
17:04Go on through
17:06Make yourselves comfortable
17:07Right then, guys
17:12Tell me
17:15What's the problem?
17:16It's seven down
17:19Seven down
17:22We've been struggling with it all day
17:25It's been hell, I can tell you
17:27It's eight letters
17:29The first letter P
17:30And the third letter O
17:32Plodipop
17:35No wonder we didn't get it
17:37I've never heard of it
17:38So you have to have a pretty eclectic vocab
17:41To do the, er
17:42The sun
17:43Quick crossword
17:44Right then, chaps
17:47No more problems then?
17:49Well, I've just found out
17:51That my wife is having sex
17:52With her cousin Brenda
17:53But that will, er
17:54Keep till the morning
17:56Yes, I think so
17:57Off you go, then
17:58Sorry, Frank
18:02It's just been a
18:03Rather ploddy-poppy sort of a day
18:05If Mohammed won't come to the mountain
18:07The mountain must come to Mohammed
18:09David
18:10David
18:10Let joy be unconfined
18:12But I am not playing Scrabble
18:16No
18:17Ploddy-pop
18:21You're a kind of a
18:22Erm
18:24Do you think that, er
18:26Perhaps, you know
18:28Time for bed, you know
18:30Is getting on a bit
18:31Isn't it?
18:31You can't stop in the middle of a game, Geraldine
18:33Right
18:34Bye
18:38Bye
18:40No, no, no, no
18:42It's OK
18:44Geraldine
18:46Is there any chance that you came to bed soon?
18:49I'm so sorry to interrupt
18:56It's just that
18:56I've been waiting for this gorgeous creature for hours
19:00She won't tell you herself, of course
19:02She's your vicar
19:03She always puts your happiness above her own
19:06But I can't help thinking
19:09On this one occasion
19:10She might quite like you to go
19:13Yes, of course
19:17Right, Jim
19:18Come on
19:19We need any condoms
19:23No
19:27I always carry out a dozen
19:29In case I get lucky
19:31I hope you know what you're doing, Geraldine
19:38I'm sure it'll come back to me
19:40Good luck, vicar
19:43Here we go
19:45Just in case
19:46Thank you, Frank
19:47I think he'll make you very happy
19:49Thank you
19:50And if he doesn't, all have a go
19:54Thank you, Jim
19:57I'm sorry
20:00I thought they'd never leave
20:02Oh, come on
20:04They're afterwards
20:23Thank you, Jim
20:24Thank you, Jim
20:25Thank you, Jim
20:26Thank you, Jim
20:27Thank you, Jim
20:28Thank you, Jim
20:29Thank you, Jim
20:30Thank you, Jim
20:31Thank you, Jim
20:32Thank you, Jim
20:33Thank you, Jim
20:34Thank you, Jim
20:35Thank you, Jim
20:36Thank you, Jim
20:37Thank you, Jim
20:38Thank you, Jim
20:39Thank you, Jim
20:40Thank you, Jim
20:41Thank you, Jim
20:42Thank you, Jim
20:43Thank you, Jim
20:44Thank you, Jim
20:45Thank you, Jim
20:46Thank you, Jim
20:47Thank you, Jim
20:48Thank you, Jim
20:49Thank you, Jim
20:50Thank you, Jim
20:51No matter what they tell us
20:57No matter what they do
21:01No matter what they teach us
21:07What we believe is true
21:12And I will keep you safe and strong
21:18Shelter from the storm
21:22No matter where it's gone
21:27Dreamers be gone
21:48No matter how they judge us
21:57I'll be everyone kicking
22:01No matter how they judge us
22:08I'll be everyone kicking
22:15I won't let me in the sunshine
22:18I won't let me in the sunshine
22:21I won't let me in the sunshine
22:23I won't let me in the sunshine
22:25So, you mean he stays the whole night?
22:39That's what I'm saying
22:41In her bed
22:43Golly
22:44So, where does she sleep?
22:48With him
22:49Good Lord
22:51Seems all right to me
22:53What, for a vicar to go around
22:55Having sex willy-nilly
22:56In front of her parishioners?
22:58I shouldn't think it's a case of willy-nilly
23:00Willy's got to be willing
23:02Can't do it with a willy that's nilly
23:06Don't be serious, Owen
23:10I am serious
23:11On principle, I'm a great believer
23:14In sex before marriage
23:15Otherwise, I wouldn't have had any sex at all
23:18And unfortunately, my memory is that Jesus was against it
23:24Which I think is a problem when we're talking about our vicar
23:27But things were very different in his day
23:29Women weren't emancipated
23:31And they hadn't yet launched Minx magazine
23:34I mean, Hugo
23:37I bet you and Alice were at it like rabbits
23:39Before you were married
23:40Well, right, yes
23:42What did I tell you?
23:44Hugo
23:44Yes, well
23:47We certainly had a lot of carrots together
23:50Well, I'm still worried
23:54There's something not right at all
23:56And I mean, Simon's just not
23:58Rubbish
23:59As long as she's private about it
24:02I think we should let her and Simon
24:04And their lovemaking be
24:05Okay, okay
24:07Although I wouldn't mind seeing a few Polaroids
24:11So, time for bed?
24:17Er, let's have a coffee first
24:19Okay, good idea
24:20Want to some ice cream?
24:23Yes, please
24:24What flavour?
24:26What have you got?
24:27You don't want to ask that question
24:30Why?
24:31Because I just got myself a brand new freezer
24:33Yum, yum, yum
24:35What do you fancy?
24:41I'll just have that little one
24:42Oh, well, please yourself
24:44You get a nice little dinky plastic spoon with that one
24:47Thanks
24:48So happy you're here
24:55I'm sorry, Gerry, but this just isn't working
25:03Oh, I'll get you a proper spoon
25:04No, I don't mean a spoon
25:07I meant us
25:09You and me
25:10Ah
25:13Ah
25:15That's, er
25:18Unexpected
25:19The thing is, it's been fantastic
25:22But, er
25:23I think we've been taking things a little too fast
25:26I feel we ought to
25:27Apply the brakes for a second
25:29If you get my meaning
25:31Yes, er
25:33I mean, you're speaking English, aren't you?
25:35And I understand English
25:37So I don't think meaning's the problem
25:39The thing is
25:41There is
25:44Was
25:46No, er
25:49Is
25:49Another girl
25:51In Liverpool
25:52Another girl?
25:55Yeah
25:55We've been going through a lot of troubles
25:57I thought it was definitely all off
25:59But I've
25:59Spoken to her a couple of times
26:01In the last week or so
26:02And, er
26:03I don't know, maybe
26:04I don't know
26:06I think you do know
26:09But you're accosted
26:11Of the cowardy-cowardy variety
26:14I know, I'm sorry
26:16Why don't we just say that
26:20That was
26:21The autumn that was
26:23Let's see what winter brings
26:26Yeah
26:28Either that
26:30Or
26:30Get out of my house
26:32You treacherous
26:32Gigantic
26:33Elongated
26:33Bastard
26:34Er
26:36But no
26:38Probably the autumn
26:40Wintry metaphor
26:41Is much nicer
26:41Much nicer for you
26:44I'm sorry
26:46Yeah
26:48No, I think not
26:51Right
26:55Couple of announcements
26:56One
26:57We're likely to experience some interruptions today
27:00Because I'm
27:00And two
27:04No, sorry
27:05Why did you say
27:07We're going to experience
27:08It
27:08I couldn't quite hear
27:10Because they're drilling outside
27:12Yes
27:12That's the reason
27:13What
27:14That's the reason
27:15We're likely to experience some interruptions
27:17Because
27:17I still didn't get it
27:22And two
27:24I don't know if the vicar
27:26Will be joining us tonight
27:27I haven't seen a lot of her recently
27:28No, no, no
27:29Your brother has
27:30That is just my point
27:34If she comes
27:36Can I ask everyone to be discreet
27:39At the last meeting
27:40She asked us to be polite and civilised
27:42I think she was right
27:44Yeah
27:44I think so
27:45Ah, vicar
27:46Oh
27:46You're a little late
27:47Tough titties
27:50Item one
27:54Apologies for absence
27:56Yes, I have a note from the last meeting
27:58To say that
27:59Jim can't be with us today
28:01Well, why can't I be with you?
28:06What have I done?
28:08No
28:09You said you couldn't be with us
28:10I did?
28:14Where am I meant to be?
28:17I'll tell you where you're meant to be, Jim
28:19You're meant to be where you said you'd be
28:22But no
28:23Of course you're a man
28:24Aren't you?
28:25So you say one thing
28:26But you mean another
28:27You raise our hopes
28:28Then you dash them
28:29You promise us joy
28:30And then you break our hearts
28:32So you don't want me at the meeting, then?
28:36I'll tell you what I want, Jim
28:37I want to find one man on Earth
28:39Who isn't the spawn of Satan
28:41Oh, right
28:42And you can shut it too, Egghead
28:45You're all the same
28:46You're all the same, aren't you?
28:48You're just a bunch of
28:49You should be lined up and force-fed win-a-lot
28:55Up your nose till you die
28:57Which is actually what I'd like to do to your oh-so-charming brother
29:00Who seems to keep his brains and his
29:03Frankly is the size of a button mushroom
29:09So hey, here's a new man
29:11Why don't you all just
29:13And the quankies
29:19Doesn't take a genius to work out what brought that on
29:26You're right there, Father
29:27It was Jim
29:28Honestly, Jim
29:31Sort yourself out
29:33Yes
29:34Well, I'm sorry about that
29:38How are you?
29:41I think I've eaten a little bit too much, haven't you?
29:45How much?
29:49Are you all right?
29:52I just thought I'd remind you
29:55That it's Sunday
29:56And it's time for the service
29:59And everyone's waiting in the church for you
30:03No, I'm not going there today
30:05I'm not doing that
30:06No
30:07All right
30:08Interesting
30:09Okay
30:11Right
30:18Better get started on these, then
30:28Now, my fellow villagers
30:34I think you all know why I've called you here today
30:37It's about our vicar
30:39Oh, yes
30:39She's already missed one set of Sunday services
30:43And it's important she doesn't miss another
30:45Could I just say
30:47That I thought Mr Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher
30:51Yes, bravo
30:53How you kept going for two and a half hours was amazing
30:56As I say, it's absolutely vital that she doesn't miss another Sunday
31:01I need hardly remind you that we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service
31:10Don't worry, Frank
31:13They were going to die anyway
31:15And the fellow yelled
31:17If this moron doesn't stop soon
31:20I'm going to kill myself
31:21And then two minutes later
31:22Shot himself in the head
31:24Well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time
31:28Right
31:29Has anyone got any suggestions?
31:32I do have one suggestion
31:34Mrs Horton
31:35Who?
31:36Oh, yeah
31:37You know the series Walking with Dinosaurs?
31:46Yes
31:47Well, they recreated the dinosaurs digitally
31:51Just by using a computer
31:53And I thought maybe we could do the same with Uncle Simon
31:57Recreate him digitally
32:00That's right
32:03And then send the digital Simon round to the vicarage
32:07So that he and the vicar could kiss and things, you know
32:11And live happily ever after
32:13So your plan is that we get a holographic two-dimensional human to marry the vicar
32:21Exactly
32:22Does anyone spot the defect in this plan?
32:29No, no, no
32:30Sounds pretty good to me
32:32All those in favour of recruiting a digital Simon
32:36For the vicar
32:38A-S-A-P
32:40One, two, three
32:42And if that fails, I do have a plan B
32:46Oh, my God
32:47Ah, yes
32:51Go away
32:58I've got something to show you
33:00Well, if it isn't your Uncle Simon's testicles on a skewer, I don't want to know
33:04It's some pictures
33:06I'm going to put them through the letterbox
33:08Oh, my God
33:10Aw
33:11Oh, T
33:24Oh, Barnett
33:30Oh
33:31if you look carefully that's a little tiny leg oh yeah and that's the other leg what's that there
33:48um that's another leg oh no it's got three legs no no i think that's probably an arm isn't it
34:00oh some of these pictures are amazing um you can see the baby really clearly in this one look looks
34:09the spitting image of hugo no that is hugo alice that's one of your holiday snaps isn't it that you
34:20apart from that one it must have cheered you up a bit i can't deny it they have great
34:27so any chance of you coming back to normal today oh i don't know about that young alice
34:35i've been thinking about it long and hard i just can't imagine myself standing up in that pulpit
34:41preaching about right and wrong after what's happened anyway will you give this letter to
34:48your father-in-law and the rest of the parish council for me yeah what is it just give it to
34:53them hey okay lovely pics thank you telly bye-bye
35:05well gentlemen i'm afraid our crisis deepens i have today received a letter from our vicar
35:12tendering her resignation well quite we all know our instinctive reaction but we must also face
35:19up to the fact that we have had no services now for two weeks this is a serious situation
35:26oh dear i have taken a photocopy of her letter please read it
35:31and then we'll all make up our minds thank you are you sure this is the right letter of course i'm sure
35:43dear miss messenger
35:47forgive this unusual request but my 10 year old son david would love a signed photograph of you
35:53with or without top you decide he's a little scam sorry dad bloody photocopier he's a little scam
36:02he's a little scam calm down calm down this is a very grave business i have read the letter and it
36:11makes pretty convincing reading please have a look and then let me know what you think we should do
36:17yeah we have a very important decision to make
36:26well i think it's obvious what we have to do
36:33so did they accept my resignation i don't know they just asked me to come and collect you
36:39right face the music in person eh yeah fair enough let me just lay out a line of curly whirlies
36:52case it goes badly i want something nice to return home to
36:58they wanted to see you face to face so there wouldn't be any misunderstanding i see
37:02right right right i get the message
37:23thank you very much suppose i'd better withdraw my resignation
37:28however i do feel that i need a real holiday so that i can return bright and refreshed fair
37:37enough absolutely so if you don't mind i'm going to ask frank to do another month of sermons and
37:42i'll be back in november no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no just kidding
37:54see you
37:55see you sunday
38:08The days of my life, and I'll be wearing my arms
38:16on the Lord forever.
38:25Forever.
38:30Apparently, they've come up with a new low-fat communion wafer.
38:35That's good news.
38:37Yeah. They've called it, I can't believe it's not Jesus.
38:47That's catchy. Like, I can't believe it's not butter.
38:50Exactly, yes.
38:52We should get some. Do you want me to order them?
38:56No. Because it's a joke, isn't it?
38:59What is?
39:00The wafers. The low-fat wafers don't exist. They're a joke.
39:04Are you sure?
39:06Yes.
39:07I don't know. Because you see, a joke is meant to be a play on words.
39:12Or a witticism. Or a comic juxtaposition of disparate ideas
39:17to provoke a spontaneous explosion of laughter.
39:21So what you told me can't have been a joke.
39:25Because I didn't laugh.
39:26It's a joke.
39:27It's a joke.
39:28It's a joke.
39:32I saw it off, Alice.
39:33I saw it off, Alice.
39:34LAUGHTER
39:35LAUGHTER
39:36It was a joke.
39:37It was a joke.
39:38It was never true.
39:39I'll make it happen.
39:40Well, I didn't have anything.
39:42It's like doing a joke with theuring poetry.
39:43It will be a joke.
39:44It is a joke in the MCU.
39:45It won't happen anymore.
39:46My hairyang just wanted to your own-
Be the first to comment