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The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts: Fully Roasted: Betty White, Gov. Ronald Reagan, Bette Davis
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00:00The Woman of the Week
00:04Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin
00:10And tonight's very special Woman of the Week, Miss Betty Davis
00:34Tonight, we honor one of Hollywood's favorite citizens, Miss Betty Davis
00:39She won two Academy Awards and was nominated nine times
00:43From the very first day she arrived in Hollywood
00:46She made love to Cary Grant, Ralph Montgomery, Henry Fonda
00:51And then she got into pictures
00:59It wasn't easy
01:00Jack Warner happened to take a liking tour
01:03And after several meetings, he sent Betty for her first test
01:07The result was positive and they named a kid Jack Jr.
01:17She was a big star and big at the box office
01:20She suffered her first heartbreak in 1938
01:23David O. Selznick tested her for Gone with the Wind
01:26But Mr. Selznick didn't think she was good enough
01:29And gave the part to Butterfly McQueen
01:35But soon Betty got over it
01:38Went back to Warner Brothers
01:39And made Warner Brothers what it is today
01:41Broke
01:44At the real life, this woman has lived
01:46Betty's made over 90 movies
01:49And she has three children
01:50She would have had more children
01:52But she didn't have time for retakes
01:55But movie fans will never forget Betty
01:57To this day, they still gather around her footprints
02:00In front of Grauman's Chinese
02:01And say, boy, she had big feet
02:06Betty, there's a lot of your friends and admires who couldn't be here tonight
02:09They've sent telegrams
02:11And I'd like to read some of them to you now
02:15Here's one
02:16Who's this one for?
02:18Dear Miss Davis, I don't mind when I see pictures of you clutching your Oscars
02:22But I
02:23But would you please keep your hands off mine
02:25Signed, Mrs. Oscar Homoloka
02:34Here's one from Harold Donaldson of Detroit
02:36Dear Miss Davis, my wife and I just saw your film
02:39Whatever Happened to Baby Jane
02:40Could you settle an argument for us
02:42In private life
02:43Are you and Joan Crawford really brothers?
02:49All right
02:50Finally, here's one that reads
02:51Dear Betty, I have loved all your movies
02:53But I could never figure out
02:55Why they cast you and the Virgin Queen
02:57Instead of me, signed Liberace
02:59Well
03:02Get in the way
03:05It's always nice having Pat Buttram on the show
03:08Pat comes from Texas
03:09Where he lives on a ranch called the Lazy S
03:12He named it that
03:14Because that's what his wife always calls him
03:19Ladies and gentlemen, a fine comedian, Mr. Pat Buttram
03:30Thank you very much
03:32Thank you, Mr. Martin
03:35I used to love all of your movies, Miss Davis
03:38You was always crying and crying
03:40Crying real tears, too
03:42And if I'd have just known you then
03:44I could have saved those tears
03:47And I'd have had enough salt licks
03:50For every cow on my farm
03:54But your movies is always such good, clean pictures
03:58The whole family could see them
03:59That was great
04:00Not like these sex movies they got today
04:03I saw one of them sex films the other night
04:06And I was really confused
04:08I never saw five people in love before
04:13But you know, Miss Davis
04:15Nobody could ever play a woman of the streets like you did
04:19The only trouble was
04:21You never came around my neighborhood
04:23But I guess in Hollywood is still Hollywood
04:30I mean, where else could you find a place that has signs like
04:35Last massage parlor before the freeway
04:49And thank you and bless your little house
04:52Thank you, Pat
05:04Not many people know this
05:05But Betty Davis has a twin sister
05:07We brought her here tonight all the way from Lowell, Massachusetts
05:11Would you all please welcome Miss Bessie Davis
05:25Well, how do you do, Miss Davis?
05:27Tell me, who do you and Betty look like more?
05:30Your mother or your father?
05:31Oh, like my Peter, Peter, Peter
05:37What do you do for a living?
05:39I'm a potter, potter, potter
05:43What sort of pots do you make?
05:46Pewter, pewter, pewter
05:50Incidentally, what was the weather like back in Lowell, Massachusetts?
05:54Oh, it was starting to pitter, pitter, potter
05:58Now, you must excuse me
06:01I have to go buy a gun
06:03What sort of gun?
06:04What else?
06:05A repeater
06:06A repeater
06:15Well, as you all know, that was the wonderful actress Miss Kay Medford, Medford, Medford
06:24Nixon Russell is a very popular comedian
06:27When he visited Alabama recently, the governor met him at the plane with a rope
06:34Here's Nipsey Russell
06:45It is said that the Lord made woman last
06:48A divine and wonderful plan
06:50Because he didn't want anybody talking to him to death while he was making man
07:01I found that I am eternally grateful to Miss Betty Davis
07:09Because had she not made the movie Sweet, Sweet Charlotte
07:13Hush, hush, sweet Charlotte
07:14I would not be able to live where I now reside
07:18I saw that picture, I turned white as a sheet
07:20Now move them to the neighborhood
07:22Before they got robbed
07:28So in conclusion, to this illustrious lady of the screen
07:32I say, when we get to heaven, if you're not there
07:35We'll write your name on the golden stair
07:37If you're still not there on judgment day
07:39And though we think you went the other way
07:41Just to prove that our love is true
07:43We'd come to hell to say good wishes to you
07:59Even though, even though, even though
08:02Next we have Miss Joyce Haber, columnist for the Los Angeles Times
08:08Every morning the newspaper boy throws a copy of the LA Times on the front lawn
08:13On my front lawn
08:14And I don't like it because when it hits me, it wakes me up
08:18Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Joyce Haber
08:29Thank you, Dean
08:31People have been saying Betty was never much of a sex symbol
08:34As for example, Raquel Welch is
08:36But can Raquel Welch act?
08:39Not like Betty Davis
08:41All Raquel does is just stand there
08:43Like two bumps on a log
08:52Betty Davis never was a raving beauty
08:54And Joan Crawford would be the first to admit that
09:00But Betty was the queen of Hollywood
09:02Back in the days when queens were still ladies
09:05And Joan Crawford was king
09:11And when Betty won the Oscar
09:13Didn't Joan Crawford generously offer to go up the aisle and accept for her?
09:19And when the owner of Pepsi-Cola proposed to Joan Crawford
09:23Didn't Betty offer to go up the aisle and accept for her?
09:29So there she sits
09:31Ms. Betty Davis, Nelson, Farnsworth, Sherry, Merrill
09:35Just think
09:40Just think about it
09:45For our husbands
09:46But she's just like you, Dean
09:48She can't wait to get her hands on a fifth
10:02Thank you, Ms. Haver
10:05Hmm, I think
10:06Everyone will agree that
10:08Vincent Price is one of the most popular actors in our industry
10:12Vincent got started in movies playing the invisible man
10:15And I still can't see him
10:18Ladies and gentlemen, a fine actor, Mr. Vincent Price
10:29Thank you, Dean
10:31Thank you
10:31I'm honored to pay tribute to Ms. Betty Davis
10:35The actress who became a Hollywood star the hard way
10:39She wasn't naked
10:41She wasn't black
10:42She didn't even know Kung Fu
10:47Uh, Kung Fu, Dean
10:49That isn't an Italian curse
10:51No
10:52Now, tonight I'm here as one of Betty Davis' greatest fans
10:57And I'd like to talk about some of her most memorable films
11:01She made her first picture back in 1932
11:04I was a child
11:10It was called The Way Back Home
11:14It didn't do too well at the box office
11:17Until it was re-released under a new title
11:19Sexual Freedom in Denmark
11:24In 1934, she starred in Of Human Bondage
11:27For which Betty was nominated for an Oscar
11:30She played a woman of the streets
11:32Who said to Leslie Howard
11:34Why, you dirty bleep
11:38You can take your bleepin' money and shove it
11:42And for that kind of language
11:44She became known as the first lady of the American street
11:56You know, Betty has always suffered in every picture she has ever made
12:01When I appeared with her in Elizabeth and Essex
12:04She gave up her beauty
12:06In Dark Victory, she gave up her eyesight
12:08And in The Virgin Queen
12:17She gave up her hobby
12:28But in 1950, Betty received another Academy nomination for All About Eve
12:33This was a three-handkerchief picture
12:36And in 1962, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
12:40That was a three-diaper picture
12:43In this one, she appeared with her old friend, Joan Crawford
12:47Miss Crawford has always been envious of Betty's voluptuous figure
12:52As a matter of fact, Joan used to borrow Betty's bras
12:56To use for shoulder pads
12:59And then in 1963, there was
13:08Thank you, thank you, Letty Litton
13:13Then in 1963, there was Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte
13:17Betty Davis entered my field
13:19Horror films, yes
13:21But that's not new for you, Betty
13:24Because some critics have always found your pictures horrors
13:29Yes, it's true
13:30That many reviewers have knocked Betty
13:32But then, that's how you measure a great star
13:36By her knockers
13:55Well, Vincent almost didn't make it here tonight
14:00His hearse broke down on the freeway
14:05Armie Archer is one of the top columnists in Hollywood today
14:09I never miss his column
14:11I never read it, and I never miss it
14:16Ladies and gentlemen, the Dean of Daily Variety, Mr. Armie Archer
14:27I really want to thank you, Dean
14:29Betty, such a pleasure
14:31Well, Betty Davis is still the definitive expert on portraying various queens
14:35She played Mary Queen of Scots and Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth
14:39And now I hear she wants to play Truman Capote
14:46But there's still a very bright future for Miss Davis
14:49Because with the advent of television
14:51A whole new field of unemployment is opening up for her
14:56But her mind still burns with that old ambition
14:59Every time she sees one of those old pictures on the Late Late Show
15:02She says
15:04Someday
15:06Someday
15:06That's going to be me up there
15:17Thank you, Armie
15:20Oh, by the way, Betty
15:21Here's a telegram I forgot to read before
15:23It's from the, uh
15:25Where is this one?
15:26Huh?
15:26Which one is it?
15:27It's from
15:27Oh, the National Association of Tobacco Manufacturers
15:30Dear Miss Davis
15:32We want to thank you for promoting the use of cigarettes in your films
15:36No other actor swings her butt the way you do
15:43Oh, it seems we stood and talked like this before
15:54Oh, and now, Betty, we have a special treat for you
15:58A lady who was your closest friend
16:00When you were both girls growing up together in Lowell, Massachusetts
16:04Your lives have taken very different turns
16:07You went to the theater and became a star
16:10She went into a convent and became a nun
16:12Would you all please welcome Sister Maria Teresa
16:26Thank you, Mr. Martin
16:30You know, it's so wonderful to see you again
16:33Dear Betty
16:36Yes, we have indeed gone our separate ways
16:39You see, you live in Hollywood
16:42And I live in Lowell, Massachusetts
16:44In the convent of St. Peter
16:47Peter, Peter
16:51I went with the Carmelite Sisters
16:54And you went with the Warner Brothers
17:00And yet, I like to think that I have been as successful in my life's work as you have been
17:08in yours
17:10In 30 years as a nun, I have only been reprimanded by the Mother Superior once
17:18She didn't like the way I handled my...
17:35You know, you know, sweet Betty
17:38I've seen every film you've ever made
17:42I especially love the distinctive way you have of smoking a cigarette
17:56And you know, it proves to me
18:02It proves to me that deep down, you and I
18:07You and I are still basically the same
18:11Neither one of us can kick the habit
18:28Thank you for that
18:29That was a very talented comedian, Miss Barbara Heller
18:32Thank you very, very much
18:39And now it's my pleasure to introduce the best friend of motion picture camera ever had
18:46Mr. Henry Fonda
19:07I've been close to Betty Davis for over 40 years
19:11They told me to say that
19:14Except I was never close to you, you wouldn't look at me
19:17I got the cigarette burns to prove it
19:21In 1938, I worked opposite her in Jezebel
19:25When she won the Oscar for portraying a daughter of the Old South
19:30It was a novelty picture for Betty, she didn't die at the end
19:36I was amazed because Betty's great at that
19:39I've never seen any actress put so much life into her dying
19:44In Jezebel, there was a scene that showed the burning of New Orleans
19:48The producer didn't intend to burn the city down
19:52But there was Betty with those damn cigarettes in
20:02In all fairness, I must say this about Betty
20:04She'd never do a picture if cheapness and vulgarity were written into the script
20:11She felt it was up to her to bring that to her
20:21But as biggest star as Betty Davis is in America, she's practically worshipped in Europe
20:27Once a year, she receives a letter from the Bolshoi Ballet
20:30Betty, designating her as their favorite actress
20:34Every year, it's the same old Bolshoi
20:43Yes, Betty has made many unforgettable pictures
20:47I wish I could remember the names of some of them
20:51But believe it or not, with all the celluloid tearjerker she's made
20:57Not one of them ended up losing money
21:00I'll tell you why
21:01They were all recently purchased by Dr. West
21:05You don't know Dr. West
21:08He had them melted down into toothbrush handles
21:14And therein lies the irony
21:16Somewhere in this country tonight
21:18A sad Betty Davis film is leaving a happy taste in somebody's mouth
21:37Now it's time for Howard Cole Sally
21:42Known to most of us as Superman
21:47Next week, John Cameron Swayze is going to strap a Timex to Howard's tongue
21:54Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Howard Cole Sally
22:05I do think that every one of you knows that Betty Davis is a star of gargantuan magnitude
22:14But what precisely, Nipsey, does the concept star signify?
22:27What is a star?
22:29A star is a lady who gets a million dollars for doing on the screen
22:36As you well know, Dean
22:40What certain other ladies get only $20 for doing
22:49A star is a tireless bundle of energy
22:52Who gets up out of bed at 5 a.m. every morning
22:56And goes home
23:01A star?
23:03A star?
23:04Well, a star is someone who changes her name
23:09Changes her hair
23:12Changes her nose
23:14Changes her bust line
23:18Then divorces her husband
23:21Because he's not the man she married
23:31May I tell you something, my dear?
23:34Betty Davis
23:38In the whole history of the cinema and show business in this country
23:44My dear
23:46You are a star
23:49Thank you, Howard
24:02Incidentally, Howard just had his book published called
24:07Cosell by Cosell
24:10It's gotten some great reviews and you'll love it
24:13So get a copy yourself
24:14And now, ladies and gentlemen
24:17May I present the woman of the week
24:19The first lady of Hollywood
24:22Miss Betty Davis
24:51Thank you, Dean
24:53Thank you, Dean
24:55Thank you, Dean
25:01I was thinking about
25:02Mr. Cosell's description of a star
25:06And he ended by saying
25:07Miss Davis
25:09You are really a star
25:12I think I have had a great deal more fun being the kind of star you described than the one
25:18I was
25:22I have no guts to do it that way
25:26Thank you, Dean, very much
25:29I've certainly had a lot of fun tonight
25:32It would have been nice to have some of my old male co-stars with me
25:36But then they'd have to hold the roast at the Hollywood wax museum
25:52Actually, there is one of my co-stars here tonight
25:55I did not recognize you without your camera, Hank
26:02Although we've never worked together, Vincent
26:04I've seen all your horror movies
26:07In which you're always torturing people
26:10But tonight you outdid yourself
26:15I just read Will Vincent is making a horror movie based on the life of Howard Cosell
26:21The film is called The Planet of the Toops
26:39Will Rogers once said
26:40I never met a man I didn't like
26:43Obviously, Mr. Rogers never met Howard Cosell
26:53I want to thank Nipsey Russell for being here
26:56Nipsey is one of our great civil rights leaders
26:59As a matter of fact, Step and Fetch it
27:02Once called Nipsey an Uncle Tom
27:06Oh, by the way, Dean
27:14Congratulations on your recent marriage
27:17Dean is the only man I know
27:19Who ever took cue cards on his honeymoon
27:31As I said, it's been a lot of fun tonight
27:35And looking at this dais
27:37I can only quote a line from one of my movies
27:41What a dump
27:45Good night
27:56I want to thank my wonderful guests for being here tonight
27:59And my very special thanks to a great star, Miss Betty Davis
28:03I'll never forget the first time I saw her
28:05I had just come to Hollywood trying to get started
28:08One night I was standing outside a theater on Hollywood Boulevard
28:12Where they were premiering one of her pictures
28:14When the picture was over, Miss Davis came out
28:17And I pushed my way through the crowd and ran up to her
28:20And I said, Miss Davis, you're the greatest
28:22And she spoke to me
28:23I'll never forget what she said
28:25Get lost, meathead
28:28And now everybody, run away home, Captain
28:30Warm up the hot chocolate
28:31Thank you
28:33Thank you
29:09Thank you
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