- 1 day ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00It's out of order, love.
00:09What?
00:10It's out of order.
00:12Why? What's it done?
00:14No, it's broken. I'm fixing it.
00:16Okay.
00:18When's the lift coming?
00:19It's not.
00:20It's just a two-minute walk.
00:26Nah.
00:27I'll just wait.
00:28I'm going to be ours, love.
00:34Don't, don't.
00:37No, don't.
00:38Is it ready yet?
00:39No.
00:41Don't press the buttons.
00:44Okay.
00:49No, don't.
00:50I'm not doing anything.
00:51Are you thick?
00:55Do you actually think that?
00:57100%.
00:57What, you're sure?
00:59200%.
00:59All right, well, name one thick thing that I've done.
01:01Well, you're not wearing trousers today, for a start.
01:03How would you know that?
01:04Because you're not wearing trousers.
01:07Well, they never stay on me anymore because I'm so skinny.
01:09I'm shocked you're so bothered by this.
01:12Right, your brain is a smorgasbord of issues.
01:14Being thick should be the last thing on your teeny tiny mind.
01:17What, is there a cure?
01:18What, is there a cure?
01:19Oh, you probably should have some sort of education by now, like your parents said in the list.
01:25And the uneducated do often get left behind in life.
01:27Left behind?
01:28Yes.
01:28I would suggest a qualification, but I find adults learning a new skill just very depressing.
01:36Now, you are stuck being thick for life.
01:39It's too late for you.
01:40It's not too thick.
01:41I'm going to prove to people I'm not too late.
01:45I reckon I'll be the smartest person in the world, honestly.
01:52Oh, I don't want to see that, do I?
01:55What?
01:56Get your ass out of my office!
01:58Get one GCSE!
02:12Get one GCSE!
02:14Even if it's a PE.
02:16Er, excuse me, what are you doing?
02:32Er, no, no, no, no climbing.
02:33Er, college, please.
02:36College, please.
02:38What?
02:38College, please.
02:40Yeah, this is a college.
02:42Okay.
02:43Can I help you, or...?
02:44Yeah, I'm just looking to be a professional in something.
02:46Like, just gagging for GCSE, etc.
02:50Yeah, I mean, we do offer GCSEs here.
02:53What are you studying?
02:54Tried learning French.
02:55Okay.
02:56Yeah, I had to quit because it was all in a different language.
02:59Yeah, so...
03:00Yeah, French is in a different language, isn't it?
03:03Well, okay, like I said, you can't just go straight through,
03:06because those students are enrolled, so...
03:08Go on the website, enroll, you know.
03:11Do you want me to call someone out,
03:12because they might be able to explain it a bit better.
03:14What, him?
03:15No, no, he's an actual student, so...
03:17Oh.
03:18Yeah, he's enrolled, you see.
03:20Oh.
03:20Yeah.
03:21I mean, yeah, because there's sort of, like, application forms,
03:25there's course fees...
03:30Okay.
03:31Just left.
03:32No, no, no, no, no, no, Miss, don't go in, she's not a student yet.
03:56Sorry, Miss, sorry.
03:57Sorry, I'm going to need to call someone.
03:58You're not really listening, are you?
04:03Hello?
04:04Where are you?
04:04I've got something really, really important that we need to do.
04:07Yeah, I can't today, G.
04:08I'm not free.
04:10What do you mean you're not free?
04:11What does that mean?
04:12What the...
04:38Why did you do that?
04:42Well, what did you think was going to happen?
04:44God's sake.
04:44Can you give me your bib, please?
04:46No.
04:47You can't, it's...
04:48Look, if you don't give it to me,
04:49I'm just going to tell everyone that you know
04:51that you've touched my tits and bits.
04:52I'm just going to give it to you.
04:59Oh.
05:00Oh, Dr.
05:13You all right?
05:16No, not really.
05:18One of my colleagues had his hovis stolen at tip point.
05:22it's all a bit shaken up i mean it happens around here a lot more than you think
05:27i just you know i don't know what it's going to stop people using their tits for crime
05:35and well oh god yes um for the lady oh cheers blimey you'd have thought after seeing your posh
05:44office you'd have lived in less of a shithole yes well sarah went through a building phase
05:50i can help i did our whole house because karen refused to get anyone in i think she went through
05:57an anti-polish phase oh no i wouldn't want to put you out no no you're changing the cheese brain
06:03it's the least i can do no i don't want to put you out i don't
06:06are you a college oh hello yeah i knew you'd be free
06:25yeah yeah no no i'm free yeah okay how did you know that i was here though
06:29it has an intuition yeah fair um anyway so the reason that i'm here is um basically i
06:36realized i probably get an education and also i thought who else could help me you because
06:42you're probably thick too i reckon and then we can do all the other two-person stuff you know like
06:45do a trustful win point the celebs try doggy style you know wait hey lucas
06:51i forgot what i was gonna say okay fine yes yes to you i've been taking classes here for weeks
07:06i'm sorry i lied to you i'm i'm not entirely thick
07:09what what what are you actually serious right now you did stuff without me i'm sorry i thought you'd
07:15notice come on what would be being gone all the time and all the books around the house and and the
07:20vansgate college hood you've been wearing i'm not psychic lucas all right it's true good first my
07:26parents then carrying the selfish bitch and now you're abandoning me too you know you're making
07:31me feel like a mattress yeah the last thing i want ever is for you to feel like a mattress yeah well here
07:38we are okay we are can i ask one thing of you come to one class with me okay yeah what is it
07:46i'll find out come on okay what is this the best you can do sloppy messy touch typing the ancient art
07:58typing without looking at the keys touch typing's pointless how is this a class these are questions
08:06i hear every day what's that over there perry instructor can we just go do the hair weaving
08:13course because that looked way better oh here he is superstar i was beginning to think you'd left
08:20nah wouldn't miss it for the world well that's why you're averaging 60 words a minute isn't it
08:24it's one word a second yeah
08:33chief oh yeah um perry this is actually my cousin chi uh she wants to get educated so that she could be
08:38an adult and respect herself oh chi lovely short name could bash that out in naught point two i reckon
08:45sorry could you do you mind leaning back it's just your breath smells like you overeat yeah for sure
08:49well gee it's an honor to have you here do you have much experience with ten finger quirky touch
08:54typing i've got a laptop oh she's got a laptop right yeah she's got a laptop don't we all
09:03oh not to worry if these skills run in the family i'm uh i'm sure you'll pick it up in no time
09:10lucas do you want to get chi set up yeah on a computer
09:12okay do you see what's happened here chi what so the word is adventure and you've written connie hook
09:31okay cup of tea well it's bovril actually i don't really know what men drink haven't lived with one
09:40since 94. okay so how are you um getting along you know grief wise yeah quite good actually the
09:50other day i walked around the house completely naked eating i thought to myself is this grief
09:58and then i realized i did that before karen died so dissociative fugue classic mild behavior how are you
10:05are you getting on what do you mean well it could be the relaxing state of your home could be a sad
10:11reflection of your inner life excuse my language but that is a deranged thing to say look i imagine
10:17it's because it's your job to fix other people's problems you know delve into their psychologies and
10:22fill your head with their neuroses so at the end of a long day the last thing you want to do is fix
10:28problems in the home i mean i don't know where you've read that but i mean that is careful of
10:35those pipes actually they're attached to the electricity i think i got electrocuted then
10:49the advent of touch typing or typing tactus dates back to 1888 when court stenographer frank edward
11:00mcgurrin
11:04um court stenographer frank edward mcgurrin popularized the method
11:09i'm just talking way too fast but i just don't understand
11:12um you know what let's uh let's just continue with our drills shall we you know the pinkies are your
11:17friends
11:24okay you stop speaking can we leave now please i don't want to leave i'm concentrating why are you
11:29saying that come on we can go do something easy that we both like like health care or bagpiping
11:36i like this class and i'm yeah i'm good at it that's just what he wants you to think because you're
11:40paying him
11:46why have you typed that awkward oh miranda i think she panicked stevie what am i meant to type then
11:53oh i don't know maybe spelling's just not for you no i think she's more of a people person you know she
11:59doesn't seem like a people person oh god i just i guess so distracted by all the sex now you know
12:08to what the sex stuff i don't want to learn something about a meat bag awkward what's a meat
12:14bag don't say it stevie meat bag sorry can you stop sexting my step cousin because i've just read
12:22what this says no you know what actually i'm not going to allow these kinds of disturbances in my
12:26class actually so gee i'm going to have to ask you to leave you need me to leave yep oh what so you
12:31so you hate beautiful white women now is that what it is pardon yeah that makes sense okay of course
12:35i'm going lucas we're leaving lucas we're leaving i need you to come lucas are you going to come
12:44i don't think i can i need you to come for me i don't think i can come lucas i'm going to need you
12:48to come for me come for me lucas i'm not going to come can i sorry hey lucas lucas yes how quickly
12:55can you type the words betrayal gee please hey lucas how quickly can you type the word
13:04spiteful cow that's that's actually two words hey lucas how quickly can you type the words
13:10traitor quite quickly yeah that's what i thought that's what i thought that's what i thought
13:16i said it i said it i said it fuck sorry okay show's over i'm sorry eyes forward you okay so you had to
13:27see that i uh yeah yeah she normally like that no she's just all the family are dying and i don't think
13:35she's just not handling it well sorry all of her family are dying yeah how did they die uh hit by
13:41laurie further downstairs oh and her grandparents went missing a few years ago so sorry do you feel
13:48safe yeah we have a laugh got you some more bob rill you went through that didn't yeah yeah so i did
13:57what i could with what i had sarah's toolbox mainly consisted of old forks oh the plugs aren't hissing yeah yeah
14:04oh yeah happy to help i mean i felt like a bit of a lump since well you know so it's nice to feel
14:11useful so a bit of a surprise for you whilst you were out getting more bofferal i decided to have a
14:17fiddle with your smart device and i've installed something quite special ready
14:21kitchen lights on kitchen lights on kitchen lights on
14:28kitchen lights oh sorry oh turn the kitchen lights off
14:33kitchen lights off playing lighthouse lights off off
14:40i don't understand
14:52i'm so sorry you know don't worry about it it's only much worse than it was before
14:58one
15:00cheers
15:04never mind
15:12no thanks bye
15:22You know, I can't believe Lucas mugging me off for my one hour of need.
15:30People just treat me like the scum of the earth.
15:33And all I do is give, give, give, give, give.
15:36Can I have my sandwich back?
15:37You...
15:38Trane!
15:40Oh, Dave. How did you know I was here?
15:42Dave, intuition. Oh, and, yeah, Lucas studies here.
15:45What, you knew that?
15:46Yeah. You're right, Sean. Oh, sorry to hear about your high-vis.
15:49People are animals.
15:51Yeah, well, it's true.
15:51I fucked up.
15:53Right, I was with a woman.
15:56Okay, listening.
15:58Anyway, there was a moment.
16:00Oh, you fingered each other.
16:01What? No.
16:02You knew it.
16:03It was a split second, and it felt really weird.
16:07And all I could think about was how fuming Karen would be.
16:10Yeah.
16:10Yeah, I could just hear her now.
16:11How could you look at another woman?
16:13I'm a size eight in most shops.
16:14You're a size eight in most shops.
16:15Exactly.
16:16Anyway, I sort of pushed her.
16:19You pushed her?
16:20Yeah, and I can't apologise to her face, because I'm too embarrassed.
16:23Yeah.
16:24So how can I tell her what I mean to say?
16:27What if you didn't need to say it?
16:29Go on.
16:30Come on.
16:31Dave.
16:32Not now, Sean.
16:32Yeah, not now, Sean.
16:33Sorry about your high-vis.
16:34Please.
16:41Is this wrong?
16:43Probably.
16:45So is laughing when old people fall out of cars, but...
16:48I still do it.
16:49Yeah.
16:50Because it feels good.
16:51So true.
16:54Sorry about she.
16:55No.
16:55She doesn't understand.
16:57Her only relationship was with an ancient crime called Linda, and that ended in disaster.
17:01Hey, look at me.
17:04Look at me.
17:06I don't know what any of that means.
17:08Okay.
17:09Hello, lesbians.
17:11Oh, gee.
17:12Sorry, Lucas and I were just talking about...
17:14What were we talking about, Lucas?
17:15I don't know.
17:16Okay, relax.
17:17Okay?
17:19I know exactly what's going on.
17:21About as subtle as a printer.
17:23Pardon?
17:24Fuck.
17:25I think it's beautiful.
17:29Do you?
17:29Yeah.
17:31You two.
17:32Going against the grains.
17:34Fighting for your love.
17:36Cheryl's style.
17:38Gosh, you know.
17:39Gosh, it was me thinking you were going to be a real fucking nightmare about the whole thing.
17:49Other people might not view it like that, though.
17:52What do you mean?
17:54It's not a good look, is it?
17:57Romancing a student as young as him.
17:59You know, Lucas and I are 12 years old.
18:01In hospital.
18:04Regardless.
18:05I don't think the good people of Ramsgate College would appreciate you crossing over that student-teacher-patient boundary.
18:10What do you want from me, Chi?
18:15No, so what do you want from me?
18:17Because I...
18:18I want you to warm up your fingers.
18:21Do you know what?
18:22I'm actually relieved that I had the idea of learning to touch type.
18:25What?
18:25So you're Lucas's dad?
18:27Yeah, big time.
18:29So you're his teacher?
18:30Is he a good boy?
18:31Well, you'd tell me if he's a bad boy, wouldn't you?
18:34Yeah.
18:36So sorry, you know any of you could do this?
18:37I swear to God, Perry, say another word.
18:40Fine.
18:41I'll do it for Lucas.
18:42But not for whatever she is.
18:45Phone.
18:50There.
18:51There.
18:52We're in.
18:54Are you sure this is the right thing, Chi?
18:55Yes, Dave, all right?
18:57I know what it's like to feel pushed aside by the people that you love.
18:59Ah, leave off.
19:01If you truly want to make it right with this woman, then this is the only way.
19:03That can't be true.
19:04Do you like this job, Perry?
19:05Jesus.
19:06That's what I thought.
19:07What are we going to say?
19:08You just need to try and capture her attention.
19:10Ah.
19:11Say you've got a bomb.
19:12Right, she'll love that.
19:14Yeah, but it's got to be kind of apologetic and respectful.
19:20He just spends his evenings on the iPad.
19:24He's scrolling my sister's Facebook.
19:27And he keeps commenting,
19:29Wow.
19:31Oh, wait, watch his progress photos.
19:34Sorry, how much weight did you say she'd lost?
19:38Text from Dave, weird girl's uncle.
19:40Hello, I've got a bomb.
19:43Yes, a bomb.
19:44Joking about the bomb.
19:45I hope that got your attention.
19:46Just give me a second.
19:47Thank you, Madeline, for pushing your face.
19:49What?
19:49I didn't want to push her face.
19:51It was an accident.
19:52How do you push someone's face by accident?
19:53Shut up, nonce.
19:54Shut up, nonce.
19:55He's not a nonce.
19:56He is a nonce.
19:58Everyone's talking once.
19:58I'm typing all the wrong things.
20:00She's not responding.
20:01Because we need to go harder, that's why.
20:02Yeah, okay, so, uh...
20:04Text from Dave, weird girl's uncle.
20:06Too much to hear.
20:07When I think of my behaviour,
20:08I feel sick to my stomach,
20:09and I want to bash myself up the sides of my own legs.
20:12Sides of your legs with an industrial stapler.
20:14With an industrial stapler and...
20:15Are you sure this is the right approach?
20:18Dave, do you want her to forgive you?
20:20Well, yes.
20:21You need to make her first bash up.
20:23In like a feminist way.
20:24Mm-hmm.
20:25I've got it.
20:26Text from Dave, weird girl's uncle.
20:29Yes, I have one more important thing I have to say.
20:32She's really fit.
20:33Yeah.
20:33I think you're going to punch her.
20:34No, sorry, I'm not writing that.
20:35I don't even know why I'm doing this.
20:36You can all type.
20:37Not as well as you.
20:39Annoyingly, he's right.
20:41I'll do it.
20:45Yeah, look.
20:46I'll do it.
20:47I'll do it.
20:47Oh, God, yeah, sorry.
20:49Yeah.
20:49Perfect.
20:52The truth is, I think you are a beautiful, tiny woman
20:54with a massive brain and a body so tight
20:56you could bounce a parsnip off of it.
20:57And the reason I've not been honest about my feelings
20:59And the reason I have not been
21:00You've got dealings.
21:01Honest about my dealings.
21:02Be there again, dealings.
21:03Fuck dealings, fuck sake, feelings.
21:05Yeah, I've got it, okay, please.
21:06Because I don't know how
21:07I don't know how to tell you
21:08what a hairy genius slut you are.
21:10Not a slut.
21:12Also, sometimes when people treat their loved ones
21:14with disrespect is because they are too scared
21:16to be honest and I
21:16Never kept a secret from you.
21:18It was bang out of order.
21:19And you are the best cousin I've ever had.
21:21I'm sorry.
21:22I'm sorry as well.
21:23Now that is the most beautifulest fucking thing
21:26I've ever read.
21:28Cousin.
21:30What's he talking about?
21:31I don't know.
21:34We did it!
21:35We did it!
21:38We did it!
21:39It doesn't sound right.
21:57Now that's really brilliant, actually.
21:58That's really in my day, actually.
21:59Shall we go?
22:00She's really going to love that.
22:01Yeah.
22:02Oh my god, that was mental.
22:03My fingers are like cramped to fuck.
22:06You're amazing.
22:07No, thanks.
22:09Did you want to do a dress for with me tonight
22:11so I can take it off my list?
22:13I can't.
22:13I'm not.
22:14Me and Perry are doing something quite exciting.
22:19We don't need to brag.
22:21Yeah.
22:22I think I should apologise to her.
22:24It's probably in retrospect
22:25really disturbing to receive those texts.
22:28I can't imagine why.
22:29Do you want to do it?
22:30No.
22:35All right.
22:36Try and be careful.
22:37Fuck you.
22:38All right, Dave?
22:45Ruth.
22:46About those texts.
22:48I was just trying to apologise
22:49for pushing you by the face
22:51like you were an untrained dog.
22:52But things just got out of control.
22:54I will one-inch punch myself
22:56and make you feel any better.
22:57Sorry, what texts?
22:59Did you not get them?
23:00I...
23:00No.
23:01My phone's been playing up all day.
23:03I think actually it might have gotten wet
23:05when you fucked my sink.
23:07Oh, my God.
23:07Fantastic.
23:08Okay.
23:09Bye, Dave.
23:09I'll show you my car.
23:10Bye, Dave.
23:11Bye, Dave.
23:11Bye, Dave.
23:12Bye, Dave.
23:12Bye, Dave.
23:12Bye, Dave.
23:13Bye, Dave.
23:14Bye, Dave.
23:15Bye, Dave.
23:16Bye, Dave.
23:17Bye, Dave.
23:18Bye, Dave.
23:19Bye, Dave.
23:20Bye, Dave.
23:21Bye, Dave.
23:22Bye, Dave.
23:23Bye, Dave.
23:24Bye, Dave.
23:25Bye, Dave.
23:26Bye, Dave.
23:27Bye, Dave.
23:28Bye, Dave.
23:29Bye, Dave.
23:30Bye, Dave.
23:31Bye, Dave.
23:32Bye, Dave.
23:33Bye, Dave.
23:34Bye, Dave.
23:35Bye, Dave.
23:36Bye, Dave.
23:37Bye, Dave.
23:38Bye, Dave.
23:39Bye, Dave.
23:40All right, so mad at us.
23:48Don't we?
23:49Mum's going to love you.
23:51Yeah.
23:54Aunt Claudia.
23:56What?
23:57Aunt Claudia, okay?
23:59Sorry, what?
24:01So we're cousins.
24:03So, yeah.
24:04We're cousins.
24:05Oh, God.
24:07And we did.
24:08I don't want to think about what we did.
24:09She's now nose.
24:11Oh, God.
24:12I'm going to be sick.
24:12How does the gate work?
24:14Open the gate.
24:14How does the gate work?
24:15The latch down.
24:16Okay.
24:16Okay.
24:18Thank you, babe.
24:20No.
24:20Sorry.
24:20Oh, God.
24:21Sorry.
24:22Perry, in.
24:22Sorry, that's mental.
24:23In.
24:24Get in.
24:25Sorry, I'm coming.
24:25I'll see you somewhere.
24:27God.
24:28No, you will not see him.
24:29Mum.
24:30Oh, my God.
24:34You all right?
24:34Yeah?
24:35We'll miss it for the world.
24:37Nice.
24:37I love you and I trust you.
24:46I love you and I trust you.
24:49Did the hell it go with Perry in the end?
24:51Yeah, it didn't really work out in the end.
24:53Oh, that's a shame.
24:54I was really starting to like him.
24:56Yeah.
25:01Help.
25:01Help.
Be the first to comment